To think my friend is mistaken and this really isn't a problem?

(64 Posts)
twiggy6 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:45:02

This might be a bit long!

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday which has made me doubt whether something I always thought was ok...actually IS ok. Now I'm questioning myself so could do with some other points of view!

I am very happily married with one dd. I have a very good male friend who is also married. We attended each other's weddings and have never known each other "single" - we were both in serious relationships with our oh's when we met, so have never dated, flirted, nada - we just clicked when we met about 8 years ago at work and have remained close friends. The four of us (me, my DH, My DF and his wife) very rarely get together as a four - usually my and my friend get together just the two of us to go to dinner, have drinks etc. We text occasionally and exchange emails but nothing we wouldn't be happy for either spouse to read.

My husband is absolutely fine with this friendship. He likes my friend a lot, encourages me to see him regularly and is totally secure in our marriage so there's no jealousy. Both me and DH have good friends of the opposite sex and this is not an issue for us at all. I realise it maybe would be for some couples but it works for us.

I never thought anything was odd about any of this until I spoke to one of my female friends yesterday and mentioned that id gone for dinner with my male friend last week. She was horrified and said that once you are married, you should have no reason to socialise alone with other married members of the opposite sex. She accepted that there is nothing "going on" between us (and honestly, there isn't) but was admant that my friends wife must HATE me spending time with her husband.

This really got me worried! I know and like his wife and always assumed she was fine with me as I've never gotten any vibes when iv been around her. My male friend assures me she is absolutely fine - like my husband - but I can't help now worrying that she's secretly resenting me and that I'm causing problems.

Am I - like my friend told my yesterday - kidding myself to believe that a man and woman can be good friends without either party's spouse minding?

I spoke to my dh about it and he says I'm silly to worry now when wev been friends for 8 years with no incident or problems - and that it would have become apparent before now if I was being seen as a threat! But I realise that some people's marriages have a different dynamic to ours and I would be absolutely mortified if I was causing problems for a very dear friend and his lovely wife

I'd love to hear other peoples take on this!

Euphemia Sun 12-Jan-14 08:47:08

Your friend is bonkers. Ignore!

HoratiaDrelincourt Sun 12-Jan-14 08:47:14

She is a loon.

Twinsplusonesurprise Sun 12-Jan-14 08:49:09

Crazy friend. Why on earth can you not have friends who are men and women? Ignore it.

Bloodyteenagers Sun 12-Jan-14 08:49:15

I agree woth your husband. You are worrying over nothing. Your friend, she is the one with the issues. She doesnt think that people of the opposite sex can be just mates.

snoggle Sun 12-Jan-14 08:50:13

I have a very similar situation with a male friend. I see him a lot one-to-one, and we meet up fairly often with spouses and all our kids. Not a problem at all I don't think- even if we were both single we wouldn't be in the slightest bit interested romantically. Just mates.

I have always had male friends, DH has female friends, no issue at all.

Joysmum Sun 12-Jan-14 08:51:37

It's the dream marriage isn't it?

One where both you and your husband are so happy and confident in your relationship that neither of you are threatened by the friendships of the other.

There will be lots of people who will have been shat upon from a great height where friendships became emotional relationships or even affairs but it stands to reason that in a strong relationship this simply won't be the case.

I'd love to be like that with my hubby, he is totally secure in me, but I was cheated on in a past relationship so I always fear the worst and that fear is horrible. If I had a magic wand I'd wave it all away as I know I'm being silly but once bitten twice shy.

moodyblues Sun 12-Jan-14 08:52:15

Sounds to me like you have it all sorted, don't listen to her and enjoy your friendship.

My friend has a male friend that she sees either with her dh and his dw or just the two of them for coffee or they will take the kids on a day trip somewhere together in the holidays.

I was a bit shocked when I realised this at first and I teased her about it a bit but now realise it's lovely and they all have a good relationship.

Thetallesttower Sun 12-Jan-14 08:52:25

If you are all fine with it, then it's fine. My husband goes for lunch with female friends, the odd dinner. He doesn't have one special friend, he's not spending a lot of time with any of them and I haven't thought much about it- he trusts me to do the same. If one of my male friends comes to town, I go out with him immediately!

I would be alarmed by a new friend, mentionitus, secretive meeting, meeting up lots at the expense of our relationship, but just meeting an old friend for a catch up would be fine for us.

chrome100 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:52:42

Whaaat? Crazy! I have a few male friends who are "my" friends rather than my DPs. Some I met when I was single, some not. Some have partners, some not. I enjoy a good friendship with them, we spend one on one time together - walking, cycling or just watching films. It's purely platonic. Likewise, my DP has similar female friends and I really don't see a problem with it.

natwebb79 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:53:00

Your friend is talking out of her behind. Sounds like she's projecting her own insecurities.

Timeforabiscuit Sun 12-Jan-14 08:53:55

You can't micro manage other peoples relationships. Even if there was an issue, which I'm sure there isn't, then it would be up to your friend to see what level of contact is appropriate.

Carry on enjoying the friendship, and put your other friend out of your mind - maybe she is projecting some insecurities of her own ?

Timeforabiscuit Sun 12-Jan-14 08:54:48

spooky natweb grin.

Dh has 2 very good female friends. One of which he regrets not having as his Best Man (they were ushers instead and the husband of friend was his best man). I have no issue whatsoever ever with them meeting up, going for drinks etc. why would I, I trust DH totally.

Your friend has a skewed view of how members of the opposite sex should interact.

funkybuddah Sun 12-Jan-14 08:57:39

What a load of shit.
I couldn't be ina relationship where that was the norm.
I regularly go out for drunken nights/dinners with single younger men. Dp doesn't raise an eyebrow.
Even at school I had a best friend who was a boy and got loads of grief for it so it does my nut

WeAreEternal Sun 12-Jan-14 09:01:12

Your friend has a very narrow minded view of the world.

Of course a man and a woman can be friends without there being 'anything else' there.

One of my best and oldest friends is male, he is married as am I, DP likes my friend and I like his wife most of the time we have been friends for 15 years and although I think he is bloody gorgeous (he looks like Ethan hawk) I have never looked at him romantically.
In fact thinking about it now even flirting with him would be ick, it would be like flirting with my brother.

eurochick Sun 12-Jan-14 09:02:12

She's crazy and probably insecure. One of my closest friends is male and we go out for cosy dinners fairly often. If his wife is working evenings (dr) and he is at home with the kids, sometimes I will go round to their place for dinner and we'll crack open a couple of bottles of wine. It's perfectly normal!

ProfYaffle Sun 12-Jan-14 09:03:59

confused has your friend been cheated on in the past? Of course it's possible for men and women to be friends without it causing an issue.

My dh has a female friend he's known for years, since before he met me. They go out together fairly regularly without me and I don't have a problem with it at all.

FredFredGeorge Sun 12-Jan-14 09:04:33

Your friend fancies one of her friends, but instead of pursuing happiness decided to marry some loser. Now she's stuck thinking wistfully of the friend she denies herself seeing and thinks you're in the same situation.

Pity her, and enjoy your happier life.

thepobblewhohasnotoes Sun 12-Jan-14 09:04:46

"Your friend has a very narrow minded view of the world."

Exactly.

CuttingOutTheCrap Sun 12-Jan-14 09:07:21

Your friend is talking rubbish. DH has several female friends he sees usually without me, I have no problem with it at all. Likewise I have a good male friend and there's no issue with me setting him one to one either. If we didn't Trust each other like that we wouldn't be together, simple as that.

inadreamworld Sun 12-Jan-14 09:08:37

Your friend is judging you by her feelings and everyone is different. Personally this would not work for me - I don't have close male friends that I would go out alone with now I am married and DH doesn't have close women friends now he is married. We both have more distant friends of the opposite sex that we would see in a group. However I don't see any problem with your friendship it sounds perfectly innocent. She isn't a loon but she thinks one rule fits all and it doesn't.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 12-Jan-14 09:09:47

What a nob. I have several male friends, married and single who I love dearly and always have. I happily go for drinks with them, with and without their wives (also my good friends).

I have never had a flirtatious relationship with any of them, just like I wouldnt flirt with their wives. Why would I flirt with a friend?!

You just dont, because they are friends. Not potential partners or someone you fancy.

Yama Sun 12-Jan-14 09:22:26

YANBU

My oldest friend, my only schoolfriend is male. He is Godfather to my eldest child, spoke at my wedding and will always be there for me.

I wouldn't take kindly to anyone suggesting that I shouldn't remain friends with him. Neither would my dh for that matter.

Joysmum Sun 12-Jan-14 09:23:38

I'm just waiting for the usual mumsnet crowd to pop on here talking about red flags and emotional affairs and then posting repeadly if they don't think they've changed everyone's mind!

Taps fingers impatiently on table...

lekkerslaap Sun 12-Jan-14 09:31:11

Yes, I have totally the same thing with an ex-colleague.

Ignore her and never mention it again. She obviously has ishoos for whatever reason.

mrstigs Sun 12-Jan-14 09:44:13

I bloomin hope not. My best friend (who is now also my boss) is a man. My husband is fine with it. I'd hate to think I couldn't be friends with him any more just becouse our genitals don't match.

HoratiaDrelincourt Sun 12-Jan-14 09:46:32

What do you do if you're gay? Only have opposite-sex friends? And then obviously you can only see one at a time confused

nvrgooglenkdShiaLaBoeuffTigga Sun 12-Jan-14 09:50:33

If that's the case what the buggering fuck do people who are bi-sexual and married do - have absolutely no friends at all?

YourFriendIsForExampleALoonTiggaxx

Kafri Sun 12-Jan-14 10:35:58

All u can think is that your friend has been hurt in the past and it's blurring her views.

I have male friends who I have known for longer than DH and it gas never entered my head to get shut if them just cos I got married. Similarly I have made a few more male friends since being married

DH and I split up for 12 months a good few years ago so would have been free to run into the moonlight with any one of my male friends but it just wouldn't work. We're just friends, not even remotely interested in anything more.

Keep the status quo op - you're doing nothing wrong.

tiredbutstillsmiling Sun 12-Jan-14 10:44:01

Both DH & I have friends of the opposite sex whom we socialise together with and apart. No issue really. One of DH's closest female friends lives 100 miles away so from time to time (when there is time!!) he'll visit her and stay for a w'end and vice versa.

Agree with a previous poster that maybe your friend has been hurt in past. My XH had an affair which ended our marriage, when I met DH I was concerned with his friendship with this girl but then I thought well if he wanted to be with her (they'd been friends for 5 years before we met), then he would be with her. When I met her she soon became my friend (she's that lovely!).

Riddo Sun 12-Jan-14 10:55:16

I went to a concert yesterday with my male friend and his kids, his wife ( also my very good friend) is away for the weekend. I made sure that the children sat between us as we were bound to see people we knew ( we did ). It's people like your friend who've made me feel that I needed to do that. We are good friends, DH is completely happy but other people have to think the worst.

Ignore your friend, she clearly has issues.

Mitchell2 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:25:15

Agree your friend has issues.

I have quite a few male friends I go out with without DP. DP has a few great female friends he sees. Neither of us have issues with it and it would be weird if these people were not our friends because we are now married. hmm

rightsaidfrederick Sun 12-Jan-14 13:13:34

YANBU

My best friend is male, and despite having first met when we were single (quite a few people assumed we'd get together) nothing ever happened, and I'm in a perfectly secure relationship and still living with the best friend (housemate situation). It works for me, and lots of different things work for lots of different people.

Your friend is just projecting her own insecurities onto the situation.

MeepMeepVrooooom Sun 12-Jan-14 13:28:32

I think your friend is projecting her own insecurity onto you. She wouldn't be happy with it and justifies it by assuming everyone is the same. She's wrong, and a bit of a loon

Mrsantithetic Sun 12-Jan-14 13:32:58

My dp best friend is a woman. It doesn't usually bother me they go out drinking and see each other regularly. The only time it bothers me is if she having a crisis because it's always him she turns to and he runs. the fact she is prettier and skinnier than me is irrelevant honest

But mostly I'm fine with it. They've been friends for 15 years if anything was going to happen it would have by now.

NotNewButNameChanged Sun 12-Jan-14 13:38:18

Your friend sounds like a lot of the people on the Relationships board, where close friendships with the opposite sex seem to frowned upon and cause suspicion by the majority of posters there.

They and your friend are wrong. It is perfectly fine and normal and how good to see plenty of people on this thread saying so.

MrsMoon76 Sun 12-Jan-14 13:45:23

One of my DH's best friends is a woman actually she is his last girlfriend before he met me and they are off out today meeting for coffee and cake to talk films/dr who/football/work/her arshehole boyfriend. She and I have also become friends since I moved here and we have been known to all go to a film and she and I would meet ourselves for lunch or a wander round the shops. She is one of his closest friends and I would never think of trying to stop him seeing her. That would be really sad for him.

ukatlast Sun 12-Jan-14 13:49:16

You are not getting a balanced view here. If I were his wife, I would not be happy about it - why can't you just socialise in a foursome if you all like each other so much?
My Mother would say you are 'playing with fire'.

annieorangutan Sun 12-Jan-14 14:40:16

Your friend sounds a bit nutty.

Thatisall Sun 12-Jan-14 14:44:48

ukatlast. You wouldn't be happy for your partner to have a friend of the opposite sex? Why?

Thatisall Sun 12-Jan-14 14:48:12

OP my dh went taking photos with a female friend of his. It's actually his friend's wife. I have no problem with this and joke that I 'lend' him out to her!
One of my closest friends is my xboyf. Dh doesn't mind me spending time with him, he even asks me 'what does *think. ' when I have a dilemma. We like you are comfortable and secure in our relationship and have nothing to fear from these friendships. I feel sorry for people who aren't 'allowed' friends like this.

CiderBomb Sun 12-Jan-14 14:53:13

My mum is like your friend. One of her friends has a good male friend, her husband knows him and is perfectly fine with it but my mum doesn't think it's right and she shouldn't be hanging about with another man when she's married. Ridiculous.

tudorqueen Sun 12-Jan-14 15:50:07

Load of rubbish! Most of my close friends are men and there's a few whose DW/DPs I've never even met!!

So, those people who think that once someone is married they should only do things together, or not have friends of the opposite sex etc...well, what do they do if one of the couples in their social circle break up? Only keep friends with the partner of the same sex? Get rid of both of them on the basis that single people can't be friends with married people? (I do actually know a couple who think like this!!).

Just WTAF?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 12-Jan-14 16:05:14

I go out a lot with female friends, who is to say that I secretly gay and will start an affair.

WhatWouldCaitlinDo Sun 12-Jan-14 16:09:40

Your friend must have her own issues. I would just feel sorry for her.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Sun 12-Jan-14 16:16:17

I have male friends too, mostly work colleagues at this stage. It's MIT something I found easy to manage when I was younger but as an older person my life is enhanced so much by having close friends of both sexes. I am in fact making a point if helping my daughters find thus easier than I did. It's crap going through life thinking members of the opposite sex are restricted to romantic relationships only. And yes the question if what are gay and bi people supposed to do is very valid.

dannychampionoftheworld Sun 12-Jan-14 16:20:07

She sounds very insecure. I know my DP has at least 3 good female friends. I have never felt insecure about them, mainly because he knew them before he met me, so I assume if he fancied them he would have gone out with them.

I house-share with just one other person, a man, who is also in a relationship. Our OHs would never even think to be suspicious.

It's only a problem if you are keeping it a secret from your OH and/or if it is escalating into something else.

MrsBungle Sun 12-Jan-14 16:23:04

My dh has a female friend who he sees quite a bit of - always on his own or with her dp. I don't usually go cause tbh I don't much like her! He's known her since they were teenagers. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. We have a very secure relationship. Dh also meets a lady he used to work with for lunch perhaps once every 6 weeks. They're friends, I cannot see why this would be a problem.

Friend is very wrong and has a very dated attitude!
One of my best friends happens to be male. Our friendship predates both our spouses.
When my friend first met his now wife she knew how important our the friendship was and tells me that when she first met me she was nervous and also had a little thread of worry about the nature if the friendship however within moments of meeting me she could she there was only and would always be nothing but a close friendship between us. I was best man when they married a couple of years ago.
My husband also has never had a problem, he respects me and trusts me.
My friend and I feel like siblings towards each other, anything else just creeps us out!

I really wouldn't worry, the only person with a problem is your Victorian friend, the four people it matters to are all reasonable people who understand that just because you are of different genders doesn't mean you can't maintain a close friendship!

Caitlin17 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:38:51

Your friend is wrong. Nothing wrong with this.

maddy68 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:39:04

She is projecting her own anxieties onto you. My best friend is a man, I stay at his house at least once a week, I have gone on holiday just with him etc etc. my husband is fine with it.
In fact he likes it as me and my friend enjoy things that my husband can't stand (gigs etc) so it stops him being obliged to go!!

CHJR Sun 12-Jan-14 16:52:26

It is quite all right for you to eat with him, as long as you have a chaperone. Do make sure the piano legs are well covered, too, in case it sets him off. And keep your sunbonnet on.

I have a best male friend. We have never flirted, kissed blah blah. He's like my brother. When DH and I got together, my friend came as part of the package and DH now loves him.

Your friend sounds old fashioned and loopy.

CeliaLytton Mon 13-Jan-14 13:00:58

Yanbu. I have male friends and DH has female friends, we often go out separately due to no babysitter and socialise with <gasp> the opposite sex.

Some people cannot do this, some don't like it if their partner does it, all that matters is that two people in a relationship are on the same page about what they can and can't cope with.

Maybe your friend has had her own issues in the past which are clouding her judgement? Or is she much older than you? I think there is an element of generational expectation, my relatives in their 70s would no sooner go out alone for a drink with the member of the opposite sex than they would swing naked from a lamppost, and they view both activities to be unacceptable grin

whatsagoodusername Mon 13-Jan-14 13:06:59

My DH has several friendships like yours - has even shared a flat with one for a year or two! Doesn't bother me. Doesn't bother their DPs. I am friends/friendly with all of these women and their DPs, but they are primarily DH's friends.

lilyaldrin Mon 13-Jan-14 13:14:18

DP has a female friend he's known for about 15 years. She has a partner and kids too. I like her well enough and we see each other at kids' birthday parties or have lunch with both families but she's DP's friend and he tends to socialise with her alone. If they were going to have an affair I guess they would have before now!

BookroomRed Mon 13-Jan-14 13:17:48

Your friend is depressing - does she really think that now that you're married, you 'have no reason to go out socialising with someone of the opposite sex'? That the only reason a woman would socialise with a man is because she's trying to lure him in with her sexual wiles and get a Ring on her Finger?

Is she the kind of person who spends her time beady-eyed at parties, convinced that any one with ovaries who happens to speak to her husband is assessing him for affair potential?

Honestly. Maybe suggest she takes a cold shower because it sounds as if her imagination is a bit overheated.

chipshop Tue 14-Jan-14 00:05:35

I agree with you. DP has several close female friends. When we first got together I was surprised by how often they used to call him and talk and talk and talk! grin But the qualities that make him so attractive as mate to women also make him a great boyfriend to me. He's become close to a couple of my girlfriends and I love that.

He does have one female friend who is the "I've always got on better with men, women hate me" type. He used to go on about how gushingly nice she was about me and how she was always offering to help me out career wise. I knew it was all fake so called her on the job help. She wasn't keen it turned out. grin

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 14-Jan-14 00:11:43

Yanbu. Really really not unreasonable

Is all I have to say

MidniteScribbler Tue 14-Jan-14 00:19:21

I couldn't be in a relationship where someone was constantly looking for fault with me and my relationships with others. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. I went to a concert just before christmas and due to annoying people in the seats next to me I ended up standing up the back leaning on a railing just behind the accessible seats. There was a young man there who was just having the most amazing time, dancing and singing along. The guy leaning next to me and I caught each others eye and realised we were both looking at the same thing and commented on it, then had a brief chat. Next thing, I've got silly bitch in my face about how I was trying to "hit it" with her "man". This was a woman in her mid forties, not a young woman, and it was just ridiculous. The poor man just rolled his eyes and followed her back to his seat like a lost puppy. Pathetic. I couldn't live with someone that treated me like that, and I couldn't treat someone else like that. Must be terribly exhausting to live your life constantly looking for problems in your relationship.

BillyBanter Tue 14-Jan-14 00:24:18

you're fine with it
your dp is fine with it
your friend is fine with it
his dp is fine with it

someone who it has fuck all to do with is not fine with it.

oh well, never mind.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers Tue 14-Jan-14 00:41:56

Ignore.

sykadelic15 Tue 14-Jan-14 02:29:06

As you've seen from the replies here, many people have friends of the opposite sex without issue. My husband while having female acquaintances doesn't have any that are a relationship like you describe. Likewise I don't have a male friend with whom I'm as close as you and your friend appear to be, so to me it WOULD be weird to suddenly introduce a male (or female for DH) friend into the relationship who he's suddenly spending a lot of alone time with.

In your situation though your DH has told you he's fine, and I'm sure his DW would tell him if she had problems with it as well. You've been friends EIGHT years. That's a long time for them to come to terms with the friendship.

No stress. Your friend simply doesn't have a friendship like that so can't understand it.

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