My DH NEVER EVER ever, ever, ever put ANYTHING away!!! More of a WWYD than a AIBU.

(62 Posts)
mameulah Sat 11-Jan-14 21:02:20

Does anyone else out there have this to contend with?

I have done being sugary sweet, joking and going absolutely blue-in-the-face-mad about it.

Nothing works.

I swear that at least 98 per cent of the time he has NO IDEA he is even doing it.

I know that I am a 'everything in its place' kind of girl and then he is a 'drop it when you have stopped using it' kind of boy. I had accepted that and have for years PICKED UP AND PUT AWAY EVERYTHING.

Lately it has been getting on my nerves.

Anyone else out there have/had this 'problem'?


Coldlightofday Sat 11-Jan-14 21:03:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wobblyweebles Sat 11-Jan-14 21:05:27

Put everything in the wrong place so he can't find it.

phantomhairpuller Sat 11-Jan-14 21:05:27

Ha! I could have written that OP.

I feel your pain.

I've given up trying to change him now hmm

Standard mn advice is to start piling it all on his side of the bed till he gets the message.

In my experience this only leads to everything you own being down his side of the bed until you crack sad

RandomMess Sat 11-Jan-14 21:06:55

Put it all in a box and ask him to put it all away at the end of the day?

ChrisTheSheep Sat 11-Jan-14 21:07:42

I feel your pain. I wish I had a solution...

GemmaTeller Sat 11-Jan-14 21:08:49

DH makes the tea and washes up every day....

but never, ever, ever, ever shuts a cupboard door in the kitchen...

how difficult is it to open the door, take something out and shut the door?

I keep telling him if we ever split up I'm unscrewing all the kitchen cupboards doors and taking them with me grin

PenguinBear Sat 11-Jan-14 21:08:54

Yep we have exactly the same issue. Would also appreciate a solution!

Coldlightofday Sat 11-Jan-14 21:10:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mameulah Sat 11-Jan-14 21:10:10

What does LTB mean?

Random Good idea but that would drive me mad before it did him. And he works really, really, really long hours and I am a SAHM so it would make what is already a tense time worse.

It is small stuff. 'Put the tea towel back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' How hard can it be?
I just don't understand why you wouldn't do it? You are as close to where you got it as the place you dumped it so why not put it back so it is easier for everyone.

We have a one year old and I am pregnant. My plan is to train both my babies to be tidy so that at least then there will be three of us nipping my DH's head about it and I won't look like such a cow.

Anyone any better ideas?

Coldlightofday Sat 11-Jan-14 21:12:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stinklebell Sat 11-Jan-14 21:15:45

My DH never puts anything away either. I've feel like I've spent a substantial part of my life wandering around putting things away again

He'll get the roll of bin bags out of the kitchen drawer, tear on off and leave the roll on the worktop above the open drawer. Milk on the worktop instead of putting it back in the fridge if he makes tea, etc

A couple of months ago I had a massive clear up and put everything (things like the drill left on the toilet cistern, loads of camping stuff he hadn't put away, an inflatable kayak in the downstairs loo) he'd left laying around in bin bags and put them in the garage. It's all still out there now, I'm not convinced he's even noticed

froubylou Sat 11-Jan-14 21:16:19

I don't know. I have the same issue. It drives me fucking insane.

And the fact that he can't find anything. Even if it is in front of him.

And the fact that he can't clean.

And the fact that he takes off clothes and leaves them at the side of the washing basket.

I seriously feel it is a block with them. A mental block. And I try not to rage. But I do.

mameulah Sat 11-Jan-14 21:16:36

Oh. That is a bit drastic!

Goldmandra Sat 11-Jan-14 21:17:40

I ask my DH, in a pleasant tone, whether he would like me to put that away/pick that up for him. I just keep doing it all the time until he gets the message again. I also mention in passing that I've done things like pushed his chair in at the table, etc, again in a pleasant tone.

That lasts for a while then he starts forgetting and I start reminding him again.

sooperdooper Sat 11-Jan-14 21:18:48

I feel your pain, DH does this too, just stuff, everywhere, especially in the kitchen, aggghhhhhh

mameulah Sat 11-Jan-14 21:19:51

froub I try not to rage too but sometimes I just lose the plot. I kind of accept that actually it is easier picking up socks than everyday complaining about it. But arg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stinklebell Are you married to my brother?

Slutbucket Sat 11-Jan-14 21:23:26

My husband never does his expenses. I've done nice, bitch from hell, upset, dismissive but NOTHING seems to work! Have threatened to LTB!

Bloodyteenagers Sat 11-Jan-14 21:25:14

Start chucking the stuff he leave out away. When he asks if you have seen the thing, yes it's in the bin. It was left on the floor or whatever, so you thought he no longer wanted/needed it. Afterall, if he wanted the thing he would look after it and put it away.

They do it because they know they don't have to.

They have lived with their parents, and in particular mummy has run around for the boy. Picking up after him. Doing everything for him. Then he leaves the nest and carries on. Yes they get nagged, but like at home, mum would sometimes have a bit of a moan, but would carry on tidying up after him. You need to be firm. You need to tell him in simple terms that you are not his mum or slave. You are his equal partner and as such he tidies up the shit he uses. If he wants to live in an untidy hovel, then this is his choice and he is free to move to his own hovel.

wobblyweebles Sat 11-Jan-14 21:30:49

Goldmandra my husband is also incapable of pushing in a chair, as are all the children. It never occurs to them that if they pushed them in then they wouldn't stub their toes on them all the time.

Fucking cupboard doors. They never get shut, not ever.
So vexed was I at discovering FOUR of the bastarding cupboards lying open the other morning after DH had made his breakfast that I roundhouse kicked one closed and broke 3 glasses within.

Seriously. How hard is it to close the door after you have finished with the cupboard?!

Or to turn lights off.

Or to put clothes in the washing basket.

Or to allow wet towels to dry, not to scrunch them into a ball and leave them on the bed.

I honestly do blame his mother. When my son leaves me his future partner will have the pleasure of him being incredibly well trained in the dark arts of clearing up after himself. Meanwhile I will continue to only wash what is in the basket and to make the bed over the wet towel (having made sure it does not encroach on my side). I am trying to resist kicking any more cupboards. [/rant]

mameulah Sat 11-Jan-14 21:41:45

Bloodyteenagers It is definitely not because his Mum run after him. She is a very odd mother who has never ever appeared to be interested in Mothering her babies. Not least when they were little. I would say it is because no one ever pointed it out to him before. I don't have the energy to point it out every time, especially when we are both knackered. It would make it all MUCH worse. I do see where you are coming from though.

sugar4eva Sat 11-Jan-14 22:44:54

My dh does he same . Cannot seem to see crumbs or will -my pet hate clear the washing up area and leave a little pile of debris from sink or sweep up but leave the pile there and not use dust pan to put the pile in bin but just leave the swept pike there aaah! Also shoes were took them off at tbe door in position feet were! Re clutter I sometimes put his stuff right in the middle of the room or by the door so he has to see it when walks over it. A pot of paint has been in kitchen since way before Christmas !scream !

EndoplasmicReticulum Sat 11-Jan-14 22:52:56

My name is E.R. and I leave cupboard doors open.

I seriously don't know that I'm doing it. But I do. My son complains and closes them now as well, with a sigh and "you can tell mum's been in the kitchen again".

Husband can't see things at the bottom of the stairs. The things that have been put there so the next person going up can take them and put them away upstairs. Walks past them every time.

So - he closes the cupboard doors and I take the stuff up the stairs. While chuntering under our breath about how irritating the other person is.

My line is drawn at socks though. Everyone knows that I touch no socks but my own.

mameulah Sat 11-Jan-14 21:10:10

>>>> My plan is to train both my babies to be tidy so that at least then there will be three of us nipping my DH's head about it and I won't look like such a cow. <<<<

Good luck with that. My DC seem to be copying DH rather than me, but I'm still doing my best to train them.

wowfudge Sun 12-Jan-14 15:54:45

I have used the technique my mum used on us as kids: if you don't move x / put it away, I'll throw it away when I tidy up. It does sometimes work grin.

CHJR Sun 12-Jan-14 16:14:40

My DH is so bad, it took the first 15 years of marriage to break his habit of washing his hands and then leaving the sink water running!!!
I think it may be a form of mental illness in him. But it's inducing another form in me... You are all my witnesses, should I accidentally murder him one day.

Toecheese Sun 12-Jan-14 16:26:31

Put everything he leaves in a box - socks, bills, towel etc and just keep shoving it in.

Phineyj Sun 12-Jan-14 16:32:55

I take Toe's approach but it does mean a stand-up row at least once a year about how the vital item he needs isn't on the coffee table a year later. ARGH!

Mind you I have had female colleagues who are equally good at not putting things away.

chipshop Tue 14-Jan-14 00:32:59

I feel your pain. I once put all of DP's shit in his work suitcase. Pens, unironed shirts, receipts, chocolate wrappers, letters, coins of all currencies, odd socks, foreign plugs, everything without a place went in there, crammed full it was. He didn't notice which says it all. A few weeks later he began packing for a trip and looked surprised when he opened the case. Found it hilarious.

RockinHippy Tue 14-Jan-14 00:37:26

Same as I do with DD if it gets too much - though adjust for your DH

I collect everything of DDs into a bin bag & then empty it into her bed. She then gets sent to bed early so that she has time to put it away grin

So for your DH, fill - his side of the bed, his car, his favourite chair - he will get the message wink

MrsKoala Tue 14-Jan-14 02:59:52

My DH doesn't actually like anything being put away. He can't remember where anything lives so having things in a pile on the floor/side means he can find it easily. He still asks exasperatedly what drawer his socks/pants are in when he's getting dressed occasionally. He thinks it's a conspiracy to make his life more difficult. In our old house i just bought a massive laundry basket and put everything in it dumped in the corner of the room, hoping to 'teach him a lesson'. Then he told me how brilliant it was, now he knew where things were and wasn't that a clever idea of mine confused

Antidote Tue 14-Jan-14 03:23:48

I mentally divide the things he leaves out into "his" and "ours".

Our stuff (tea towels, kitchen stuff etc I tidy up on the ground that I care where it is and he doesn't.

His stuff I DO NOT TOUCH. I leave it exactly where it is be it a tax form, cufflinks or dirty clothes. It is not unusual for a pair of his shoes to sit in a heap at the bottom of the stairs for days.

However, we have a system of tidying up the kitchen, and living area together every night before bed so the most used part of the house is cleared every day.

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 14-Jan-14 05:43:26

Oh I feel your pain too... DH has many many redeeming features, but an ability to put stuff away is not one of them. The DC seem to be copying him, not me, too....

racmun Tue 14-Jan-14 05:57:44

Are you talking about my dh?

It drives me mad he's away quite a but with work and I swear the house is less messy when he's not around to help. He literally gets up at the last possible minute in them ironing and causes chaos!

I get accused of nagging, it's reached the point now where of he leaves clothes on the floor I just put then back in his wardrobe unwashed, on the basis that if they're dirty surely he'd put then in the wash.
Other crap I put into a carrier bag and chuck that in his wardrobe too.

You can probably tell I've reached the end of my tether

ComfyLeatherChair Tue 14-Jan-14 06:54:27

I leave post it notes on things, sometimes humourous mostly not
As in 'hello I am the screwdriver you used last week' 'please put me away',etc
I also do this with DC lunchboxes I.e. eat me first.

QueenofClean Tue 14-Jan-14 07:01:43

My DH is like this drives me insane MIL admits that it's because she would walk around picking up his dirty washing, shutting doors and putting the cereal or milk back. I've told him I'm not his mother but I can't live in an untidy house, so I just end up tidying away. Not even worth the argument now.

Passthecake30 Tue 14-Jan-14 07:03:49

Mine leaves drawers open in the bedroom. Huge oak heavy ones. Which I leave open if I a. Feeling really wound up about it and he walks into them on his way to bed in the dark....and remembers to close them for about a day

BeckAndCall Tue 14-Jan-14 07:12:28

I spend HOURS dreaming up solutions to this..... My favourite would be to gather up his lunch pots ( he's the only one home for lunch) out them in a washing up bowl and put them on the seat of his car - that way he'd notice, right?

Or just to gather up all the random 'stuff' and put it in the bed at his side.

But then I'm worried that he'd do exactly the same to me for whatever I do that annoys him!

I tried a tangential approach over Christmas when all the kids were back for the hols and said " if only everyone would put away the stuff in the right place after they've used it!' In an exasperated voice right in front of him. He said, ' I know, they're messy aren't they'! He just doesn't see it...

Will keep checking back for the right answer!

lovelyredwine Tue 14-Jan-14 07:17:12

It may have to be one of those things you put up with because you love him! My DH is similar although has massively improved over the years. I know that I don't paint (as in decorating, I'm not Monet) the 'right' way according to him. He puts up with it, just as I put up with him not keeping the house exactly to my standards.

Blithereens Tue 14-Jan-14 07:30:15

My DH is a bit like this, although he has improved. If it's His Stuff, then I put it on his desk or under his side of the duvet grin although even then he's been known to get it out and leave it on my dressing table!

If it's Our Stuff then I put it away, sometimes having a chunter while I do it. He doesn't care where it is; I do.

He also leaves every sodding light on. I obsessively turn them off. If he's been really bad I turn the lights off in the room he's in (temporarily) and when he moans I say I'm redressing the balance!

It definitely comes from having a MIL who did everything for him.

6cats3gingerkittens Tue 14-Jan-14 07:36:01

My ex did this as well. So I just stopped cooking, washing, and cleaning except stuff for myself. He couldn't understand why I was being so horrible, sob sob. Still didn't understand when his next lady did the same sort of thing. Eventually his Mum apologised about him to both of us. She had waited on the selfish sod for years, even rolling his socks down so they were easy to put on. Mothers!

Tailtwister Tue 14-Jan-14 07:36:19

DH never puts the recycling out, despite the bins being just outside the kitchen door. He piles up boxes, bottles etc beside the sink until I eventually break and put it out. One day I put it all in a bin bag and onto the driver's seat of his car. It did not good whatsoever. The bag lived in the boot for over a month.

I don't know what the solution is. I remember mentioning it to my MIL once and her response was 'well you married him'. To which I replied, 'well, you brought him up!'

acrabadabra Tue 14-Jan-14 07:46:34

Dh and I both have drop it tendencies. I like to think I am more aware though and make an effort to curb my natural state.

I still get annoyed at dh when he does it grin

I can often find myself muttering about him leaving his clothes on the floor whilst stepping over my own.

I sometimes daydream about living alone then I'd only be cleaning up after myself.

enormouse Tue 14-Jan-14 08:05:00

Dp is like this and it drives me insane.

If he dresses ds he'll leave the wardrobe door open - why?? Surely it takes no effort to close it.
If he makes anything to eat, he'll leave everything out, like evidence that he's bothered to make something.
The shoes are another problem - just takes them off everywhere and leaves them. They could go in the hallway with the other shoes, but no they lie in the middle of the floor waiting for me or ds to fall over them. He has enormous feet and tends to wear dms and caterpillar boots. They're like fucking canoes.

Luckily ds, at the age of 2, is showing no signs of taking after daddy. Puts his toys away, runs to bin wrappers and bits of rubbish for you and ambles about with a huge broom.

I threaten to send Dp to live with his mum till he learns. That works for a short while.

diddl Tue 14-Jan-14 08:21:19

So if he puts nothing away-does that mean that you pick up after him-an adult-and he's OK with that?

MomsStiffler Tue 14-Jan-14 08:26:50

Put it in a box in the garage, don't tell him. One day he'll realise he has no socks. You can then point him to the ones draped over his other things in the musty box in the garage.

He'll learn, if he doesn't then you may have to go down the bonfire route....

Shitehawke Tue 14-Jan-14 08:45:02

I make my DH call me 'mummy' if I have to tidy his shit up. I stand there holding his crap, and say "either you get up now and put this away, or I will, but you must ask mummy nicely to do it!". I think it embarrasses him enough that I only need to pull this stunt rarely.

Shitehawke Tue 14-Jan-14 08:47:40

I also employ the incredibly mature trick of pretending I can't see his mess, and so will stomp all over his discarded jacket, run the filthy pram wheels over his shoes etc. Any objections get a lecture about why they are on the floor etc etc.

DeWe Tue 14-Jan-14 10:31:50

Dh is a "if it's his, it;s in the place he wants it=tidy. If it's not his then it's not his job to tidy it".
Drives me crazy. Because there's a fair amount of generic stuff in a family of 5 that he will ignore despite it being easier for him to deal with.
More irritating is that he won't tidy up for, say his parents coming, without me tidying up at the same time. So I can come back after dealing with the dc all morning, having left him for 4 hours and with several other chores I and only I can do... to find that he's moved a piece of paper from the piano to the middle of the floor because it shouldn't be on the piano <slight exaggeration>

I think though it is because he shared a bedroom with a very messy brother when growing up. He had to ignore his brother's mess, but kept his own tidy.

I'm the messy partnershock shock I mean to pick stuff up and will eventually but I'm useless. And sometimes I do nothing, then look around me and there's mess everywhere, I'm a mess bomb. Have injured myself many times over the years standing on /walking into my crap. Now we have DC I HAVE to improve and have even started stopping as I leave a room to chick for open doors, scissors left out/shoes on floor/ glasses piled dangerously as I've collected then forgotten them. It's a hard habit to break and while I am improving I can never see a future where towels are never on the floor tbh.

Btw my mother is an absolute lout, I get it from her.

MrsKoala Tue 14-Jan-14 12:23:46

I make my DH call me 'mummy' if I have to tidy his shit up. I stand there holding his crap, and say "either you get up now and put this away, or I will, but you must ask mummy nicely to do it!". I think it embarrasses him enough that I only need to pull this stunt rarely.

So what happens if he doesn't get up, doesn't do it, doesn't call you mummy and actually says 'fuck off, don't touch my stuff, leave it exactly where i left it - that's where i want it''?

I also employ the incredibly mature trick of pretending I can't see his mess, and so will stomp all over his discarded jacket, run the filthy pram wheels over his shoes etc. Any objections get a lecture about why they are on the floor etc etc.

This doesn't work for us because DH just doesn't care about stuff so wouldn't even notice. If the toddler pulls down folded clean laundry from the chair/bed to the floor DH would just walk on it. He wouldn't even notice it. Once i watched him knock a dining chair over on to its back to the middle of the floor, i left it to see how long it would take for him to pick it up - he just stepped over it, and 4 days later i gave in and said to pick it up. He hadn't even noticed it. He would only have noticed it if he needed to sit down. He completely zones everything out that he isn't interested in (i think he is on the spectrum - lots of others do to - he has many aspie traits).

CrazyCatLady13 Tue 14-Jan-14 13:17:18

We have a compromise - he has a drawer in the living room that I put all his crap important papers that he's left lying around. He also has the spare room as a junk room office, so that I can close the door on it. I'm happy to put his stuff in either of these two places so I don't see it lying around.

He's a tutor who works in the student's home so needs lots of equipment for practicals, text books etc so lots and lots of clutter!

Popscene88 Mon 20-Jan-14 15:39:09

Another one who has this problem.

I also tidy anything that is ours away, (mugs, ENDLESS PINT GLASSES OF WATER IN EVERY FUCKING ROOM, plates, baby's things) and anything else that is his, I take it upstairs and dump it on the floor on his side of the bed. Including the 3 soaking wet towels he uses EVERY time he has a bath. I have no idea what he does with 3 towels confused. I have a nice set of secret towels I keep in my wardrobe. Also on his pile goes empty deodorant cans left on the landing, and DENTAL FLOSS left on top of the toilet EVERY morning. On the floor with his clothes.

Took 2 weeks for him to realise what I was doing, and he said "Oh my god are you pulling a teenager trick on me?" I said yes, and by the way, unless it is in the laundry basket it aint getting washed. His response was to just pick out his shirts for work and wash them, dry them and hang them up, leaving everything else happily on the floor.

At a loss now....

We have a 'crap bag' tidying system now for the crap that DH leaves lying around the house. I go around and scoop up everything that he hasn't put away into a bag - the bag of random crap. It is then DHs job to empty the crap bag and put everything away properly. He seems fully capable of putting it away when it comes out of a bag... not so much when it is an 'as you go' job...

Crap bags are the future smile

(this totally outs me to anyone who knows me grin )

afussyphase Mon 20-Jan-14 15:50:43

I confess that I am not naturally inclined towards putting things away. I mean - I'll put the milk back in the fridge and the tea towel back, but the book I read 6 weeks ago and liked might still be on the side table and the paper I need to deal with might, ahem, get left out for a week, and all that. What really changes my habits is if I'M the one who tidies up the whole house. So get him to tidy up EVERYTHING some weekend - all the DC stuff left on their floor (if any! don't do it yourself first), all YOUR socks you haven't got around to matching up and putting away yet, all the random bits of mail, ALL of it - pretend the cleaner's coming (or get the cleaner to come if you have one) and make HIM get the whole place ready for a wipe-down. Suddenly, if it's not a choice between doing it at all or not, but rather a choice between 'put the milk away while I'm standing at the fridge' or 'deal with it being smelly later', it can become a new and better habit. Good luck with it though. Probably will never change while you're doing the bulk of it, because some people really just don't notice.

curlew Mon 20-Jan-14 15:55:02

Make a time machine.
Go back in time.
Marry a grown up.

nevergoogle Mon 20-Jan-14 15:57:05

DH also incapable.

But does anybody else do this? DH will find something usually that I have put back where it is supposed to be. On discovering this object he will then put it somewhere else so that he can find it later. He will drape it over the stairs, or put it on the shelf next to the box it was found in. Then when he can't find it and i tell him it's in the place he originally found it, it's gone.

Thatisall Mon 20-Jan-14 15:58:43

Ahhh are you also married to my dh?? It drives me mad! I've tried ignoring the things that he leaves lying around in the hope that he'll get fed up and realise. It would appear that he's blind to it :-/

Dahlen Mon 20-Jan-14 16:02:25

I left my X for partly this reason (there were numerous others).

Current BF makes me feel like the untidy one. grin

My DC are in the process of being "trained." I find that throwing everything out after one warning only works for long periods of time.

I say, "I have told you repeatedly that leaving things around for me to tidy up is treating me like your servant and is very disrespectful. I assume that anything left lying around is unwanted and throw it out like the rubbish you clearly think it is."

It's not yet fool proof (as in I have to say this fairly regularly) but it does prevent me from running around after my DC, particularly once a few favourite toys disappeared. <harsh>

yomellamoHelly Mon 20-Jan-14 16:22:20

My dh is like this too. My MIL has been upset at times because she's witnessed / overheard me telling my eldest to clear up / put away / think of others when he does the same kind of stuff and reminding him of the extra work he creates for me. She's the same too, though. Has always had cleaners to pick up / tidy after her.

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