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in wanting my unreasonableness accommodated?

(159 Posts)
TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:04:59

I know I'm being unreasonable but given the circumstances want this to be accommodated. AIBU?

I live abroad and get to travel home once a year. Last year I didn't as I was heavily pregnant so when I go in a few weeks it will be the first time I've seen my parents for 2 years and the first time any of my family have met my son.

I normally stay with my parents. My sister lives nearby and visits them several times a week with her 4 kids and their large, friendly bouncy dog. I want my sister to leave her dog at her house for the week I'm staying. My sister is throwing a strop and refusing to do this and my parents are saying they don't want to get drawn in, which feels like they're prioritising the dog over their grandson.

I know AIBU however in my defence 2 months ago DS (then 5 months old) was attacked by my fuckwitted ex friends dog. Thankfully he wasn't seriously hurt and his face has almost completely healed now and he seems to be completely over it. Unfortunately I am still totally traumatised. I can feel a panic attack coming on just writing this. I know it wasn't my sister's dog, I know it's unfair to punish him for this other dog's behaviour but I can't stay with DS in a house where there is a dog running free. I just can't. In fact I think I'd rather just cancel and not go at all.

So flame away. I'm being PFB aren't I?

Chippednailvarnish Sat 11-Jan-14 18:07:11

Could you compromise and get the dog to be left in the garden?

Your sister does sound like a pain in the arse though.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 18:07:46

Well maybe a little.
I understand why you feel as you do...but you can't hope to avoid dogs forever, and can't ask that any house you visit from here on in be dog free can you?

SkinnybitchWannabe Sat 11-Jan-14 18:08:06

Yanbu.
I think your sister is being very very selfish and your parents are too.

nennypops Sat 11-Jan-14 18:08:43

No, you're being totally reasonable. How hard would it be for your sister to be sensitive to how you are bound to feel after DS was attacked by a dog? I can't see that leaving her dog behind for a short time would be punishing him in any way.

oadcb Sat 11-Jan-14 18:09:03

I think they could be more sympathic!

Is your sister normally so stubborn?

Objection Sat 11-Jan-14 18:11:16

I own a dog (a big, bouncy, friendly one) and would keep him at home if asked and not say anything.
I would however be pissed off by this and (sorry) think you were being unreasonable.

so your sis IBU (and impolite) by kicking up a fuss but YABU too.

surely by interacting with a friendly dog and your son you will heal quicker?

CoffeeTea103 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:13:56

Yanbu, given the incident with the dog, meeting your DS for the first time and you not being home for 2 years this is one small request they could try to accommodate you with.
They are all being totally selfish. Your child takes priority over a dog.

oadcb Sat 11-Jan-14 18:14:51

You do need to get some help to address the trauma though. Speak to your GP/HV x

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 18:17:09

Your child takes priority over a dog

It's not a case of one or the other though is it? No one will see it that way except the OP.
She is asking the SHE be made priority.

HaroldLloyd Netherlands Sat 11-Jan-14 18:17:12

I don't understand why she wouldn't just leave the dog at home for a week.

Your nervousness is understandable in my opinion, though you are going to need to address it over time why let it ruin a special visit?

sykadelic15 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:17:50

I understand your parents not wanting to be involved, but given their GS was attacked by a dog, I think you're entitled to feel a little on edge and they should understand that.

How about you compromise and ask your sister to at least leash her dog while visiting or keep the dog outside for that week? That way her dog isn't being left at home? If they live super close I don't understand the problem with leaving the dog at home but then dogs are family too.

Express to her that you're extremely nervous around dogs right now given what happened. Tell he you're not blaming ALL dogs and you understand her dog is part of her family, but that you'd appreciate her helping you feel more comfortable... at least for a day or so while you see how her dog reacts around the baby and vice versa.

If she refuses to compromise then you have a decision to make because she is being selfish and your parents SHOULD be helping with it. You could either not go (which could make you look petty but I would make it clear that they are choosing the dog over meeting their new family member and that your compromises were totally fair) OR go into another room when she visits, put the baby in another room or stay in a hotel or somewhere else and leave when she comes to visit.

gamerchick Sat 11-Jan-14 18:18:34

I don't think either of you are out of order. Some people are weird about their dogs.

However in your shoes I probably would cancel if it's still (understandably) affecting you to that extent. Maybe next year when time has passed a bit.

TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:19:04

The garden isn't an option as the kids are in and out all the time with doors being left open. It's pandemonium as my sister leaves them all to go feral when at granny and grandads.

It's not that my sister is stubborn more that she's volatile and takes everything as a personal slight. Asking for the dog to stay home, which isn't a problem for her if it suits her, is taken as saying her family isn't welcome.

oadcb Sat 11-Jan-14 18:19:47

OP do they know the details of the incident? Did they see pictures?

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 18:20:32

Why do so many dog owners think they have to take their dog everywhere with them everywhere they go?

I grew up with dogs. They were very much loved and part of the family. However, we never took them to other people's houses. Most of my friends and quite a few family members have dogs and they never take them to other people's houses either.

I think your sister is being very unreasonable. It won't hurt the dog to be left at home for a couple of hours.

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 18:21:27

Cross posted. In which case if she turns up with the dog you go upstairs or take your LO out for a walk.

HaroldLloyd Netherlands Sat 11-Jan-14 18:21:29

My sister is a bit volatile and my mum panders to her.

Not sure what yours is like but mine tends to blow up and go mad then calm down over a few weeks.

As your mum dosent want to get involved maybe call your sister and try and explain to her? If it ends in a quarrel so be it but I think she is being bad here.

CaptainSweatPants Sat 11-Jan-14 18:21:36

Why haven't your parents been over to visit you in 2 years sad

adeucalione Sat 11-Jan-14 18:21:40

Have you talked to your sister directly, or has the message been filtered through your parents?

I only ask because most of our family misunderstandings and tensions happen when we don't talk directly to each other.

FWIW I think YABU - not everyone likes dogs and this one can stay at home for one week out of a two year period surely?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 11-Jan-14 18:25:47

The thing is many dogs owners wouldn't turn up to a hotel or resturant ect because dogs are not allowed.

Why can't the dog be left at home for a few hours.

TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:26:06

Why haven't your parents been over to visit you in 2 years

We moved abroad (EU) with my husbands work 8 years ago. His parents have been the only ones to visit us in all that time. It's like we ceased to exist.

Topseyt Sat 11-Jan-14 18:27:01

I am so sorry to hear your son was injured by your ex-friend's dog, and I am glad his injuries are healing well now.

I think that the way you feel is very understandable, and I do say that as the owner of two dogs myself. I would never leave them unsupervised around children and always hover nearby to take control if littlies are around (even though I have never had a problem).

Have you explained the reasons for your reluctance about the dog to your sister? I must say that if I know someone is visiting my house who is nervous of dogs or who has a genuine reason not to want them nearby then I take reasonable steps to minimise contact, though I can't totally eradicate it in my own home as the dogs do live here too.

Would her dog be OK if kept in another room from you and your little boy until or unless you felt ready to face it? Whatever you do though, try not to project your own trauma onto your son. If it is a friendly dog (you just say it is bouncy) then could it be an opportunity to introduce him in a controlled way to a nice dog that will not maul him?? Only you and your sister can decide on the answer to that one.

Your sister needs to be a bit more understanding really.

SiliconeSally Sat 11-Jan-14 18:27:09

Your sister is being ridiculous. How big a deal can it be for her to leave the dog at home for a visit? Why do people feel such a massive sense of entitlement that their need to have their dog with them at all times must be accommodated at all times?

Go and stay with your parents, but go out and visit other people or just go out every time your sister calls with dg in tow.

It sounds as if your parents are afraid of your sister's tantrums in taking everything personally. They should tell her to get over herself.

Any new parent would be utterly traumatised by having their baby's face bitten by a dog.

You will recover in time - until then a little care and sympathy from your family wouldn't come amiss. Especially as it doesn't even require them to put themselves out.

SaveMeTheLastGreenTriangle Sat 11-Jan-14 18:30:09

I love my dog and want to take him with me as much as I can, but when someone says they are afraid of dogs of course their feelings have to come first. Your sis is BU.

tinselkitty Sat 11-Jan-14 18:32:46

I don't think that's unreasonable. It sounds like you're anxious about all dogs now which is totally understandable.

If your DSis knows about the dog arrack she should be a bit more understanding and sensitive

AJH2007 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:35:44

I cannot believe your parents haven't bothered to visit you or their grandson. I love dogs, but you are understandably traumatised. Sod the lot of them - I wouldn't even be visiting.

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 18:35:54

"I love my dog and want to take him with me as much as I can"

Why? I used to have two cats whom I absolutely adored. I still regarded them as house pets (in my house) and it wouldn't have occurred to me to take them with me everywhere. I would be the same with a dog.

paxtecum Sat 11-Jan-14 18:39:05

OP: I sympathise with you. It must been a terrible experience for you all.

Your sister's dog is used to children and no threat to your baby.
As Topseyt has said could you use this as an opportunity to introduce your baby to a friendly dog.

TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:40:27

I think you're spot on there SiliconeSally my parents are scared of her tantrums. They won't pull her up on anything because they know it'll mean tantrum of epic proportions and they won't get to see their grandchildren. It's why they get to run riot, because my parents are scared to tell them to behave because sister will explode if they do.

I would be happy if the dog was put in another room and left there, but I know her enough to know that won't happen. She won't compromise. She'll see it as a 'your either for her or against her' thing.

adeucalione no we don't talk directly. Sad fact is that we have no relationship whatsoever. The only contact I have with her is in passing at my parents. I know she lives in the same village as my parents, but I don't even know her address.

DustBunnyFarmer Sat 11-Jan-14 18:43:00

Can you still afford to visit if you stay in a hotel or rent a holiday cottage nearby? In your circumstances, I would want to make sure I had somewhere dog-freeI could go when your sis visits your parents with her dog (and selfish, tantrummy ass) in tow, paricularly if there's any chance you or your son could find having the dog around stressful or upsetting. If your parents are offended by your decision, tough.

promote Sat 11-Jan-14 18:44:29

yanbu , i have 2 big bouncy dogs and would not dream of taking them to other peoples houses , i think given your circumstances your sister is out of order .

SiliconeSally Sat 11-Jan-14 18:46:06

Suppose you invite your parents to come and stay with you instead/ Would they come?

If you want to see your parents I wouldn't make a point of escalating the situation with your sister - nothing to be gained really, since you see so little of them. I would just go out when she is expected with the dog, but make no big deal about it. If your Mum asks just say 'well I did explain that at the moment I don't feel comfortable about it, so I'll take the opportunity to pop over to so-and-so, or go for a walk or shopping or whatever is available.

Sorry you don't get much back-up.

clam Sat 11-Jan-14 18:47:07

I love my dog, and sometimes it's a pain to have to organise dogsitters, but if I know that the people we're visiting aren't "dog people," for whatever reason, that's what I do. No question. I used to be one of their number, for a start.
Others we visit are perfectly fine about him coming along, even the non-doggy lovelies who just laughed when they discovered him curled up on their bed! blush

DustBunnyFarmer Sat 11-Jan-14 18:49:11

Your sister's dog is used to children and no threat to your baby.

Sorry, but there's absolutely no way you can know that. The OP's sister may have older children, the dog may be aggressive but the OP's sister turns a blind eye to it. The papers regularly report dog attacks on children & many more go unreported. I don't recall the OP mentioning the breed of dog, but it might be more inclined to aggression against the OP and her don if it perceives them to be fearful, avoidant or submissive. That sweeping generalistion is totally unjustified IMO. (And I grew up in a family with dogs before someone accuses me of being a cat lover.)

DontmindifIdo Sat 11-Jan-14 18:51:58

I think you can't expect the dog to not be there from what you've said, YANBU to not want the dog there, but that's not going to happen.

So, other solutions, could you stay elsewhere, a hotel or b&b in the village/another village nearby? That way you have somewhere to leave too. You can tell your parents it's because of the dog.

Another option would be to cancel going but to offer to pay for flights for your parents to visit you.

Or you could just cancel and accept you don't see your family for another few years until the dog is dead you feel more comfortable.

DustBunnyFarmer Sat 11-Jan-14 18:54:28

Oh yes, your last few posts make me think she's deliberately trying to sabotage your visit by insisting on bringing her dog round, so think on whether you're prepared to let her drive a wedge between you and your parents. In our house we have a saying (which will be meaningless without a long, boring explanation): "it's not about the carrots!" In your case, it would be "it's not about the dog!" - I get that it kind of is about the dog, bur its about so much more besides.

TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:55:30

My sister's dog is a border collie. They got him when her youngest was 4. I don't believe he has any history of problems with children but then neither had the dog which attacked DS. That dog was used to my ex friend's grandchildren visiting, that's why she stuck DS in it's face to say 'hello'.

pippop1 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:06:19

I can't believe anyone is thinking that this is an unreasonable request. How can anyone prioritise an animal over a child's safety and peace of mind.

I'd be very tempted to cancel my visit if your sister doesn't promise to leave the dog at home. Her attitude to her nephew is disgusting. You are not asking anything much really. Your parents have their priorities all wrong.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 19:10:22

How can anyone compromise and child's safety and peace of mind

The sister's dog didn't attack anyone, so there is no safety being compromised is there? It was a different dog that did the damage.
Unless the OP hopes to avoid all dogs forever, her request, while understandable, is unrealistic. She is projecting what happened onto a different dog. The baby's safety is not being compromised.

MerylStrop Sat 11-Jan-14 19:16:22

Have you explained this as you did in your posts to your parents and your sister? It's completely unsurprising and understandable that you don't want to be around the dog.

SaveMeTheLastGreenTriangle Sat 11-Jan-14 19:18:05

Thanks for sharing that totally irrelevant point, Bunbaker.

Caitlin17 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:20:03

I can see both sides but wouldn't it perhaps help you to get over your fear of dogs by being with a known dog with known people? You can't avoid dogs forever.

In your shoes, I would just cancel the visit, and ask if your parents would like to come visit you instead and meet their grandson.

youarewinning Sat 11-Jan-14 19:21:49

You'll be staying a week in a house with your parents you haven't seen for 2 years? And they refuse to be drawn in to a request you've made about their house?

Sorry, but yes your sister is being a pita but your parents should be saying what they will or won't do so you can decide whether you feel comfortable visiting or not. I understand why your worried as well after the attack. But even without that it's your parents house so they could say to your sister - no dog that week.

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 19:22:54

"The sister's dog didn't attack anyone, so there is no safety being compromised is there?"

Neither had the dog that attacked the OP's child. I am not anti dogs at all, but I accept that they are animals and are unpredictable. Any dog owner who doesn't recognise this shouldn't have a dog.

OP, if you have no relationship with your selfish sister then it won't be any skin off her nose if you disappear when she visits. You shouldn't let her spoil your plans for visiting your family. It sounds to me like your sister has been getting her own way for far too long and no-one has the backbone to stand up to her.

Boreoff456 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:23:48

Yabu and she is a little. My dd was attacked by my mother in laws dog, so I get your feelings. However, insisting all dogs be kept away because you say so is bu. dogs will come near your child at some point, the longer it is the more chance of there being issues.
Personally I think this is n't about the dog but about issues you have with your parents and sister.

...OR you could just ask your parents to give you advance warning for when your sister and her dog is going to be there so you can be out of the house.

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 19:25:54

"Thanks for sharing that totally irrelevant point, Bunbaker."

That's OK grin. What I am trying to say is that no matter how much you love your pets you should leave them at home when visiting other people, especially if you know they won't be welcome.

This "love me love my dog attitude" is selfish and inconsiderate. After all, dog owners can't take their dogs shopping or to work, so they must be used to not having them everywhere they go.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 11-Jan-14 19:26:52

As nobody has met the baby, I would suspect the baby would get a lot of attention.

The dog could be jealous of this and attack the baby.

It's not a risk worth taking.

fifi669 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:27:25

YANBU even without the attack, all you're asking is the dog doesn't come for the few hours they are at your parents, in the same village. Your parents should man up.

moominmarvellous Sat 11-Jan-14 19:29:16

YANBU

I have a dog, and he's friendly but lively. If my niece or nephew had been attacked by a dog, and my sister requested I leave my dog at home as a result, I'd totally understand that. No matter how often I saw her.

I wouldn't take it personally and don't blame you for exercising caution and think your family should be way more understanding especially as your only visiting as well.

ukatlast Sat 11-Jan-14 19:31:23

YANBU surely there is no reason why she can't comply for just one week. Selfish woman. I would call your parents' bluff and say if the dog is there, you won't be.
Your child has already been hurt by a dog, you are still traumatised.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles Sat 11-Jan-14 19:37:18

YANBU, it is fairly reasonable request and not difficult to accommodate as she lives closeby.

Sounds like there are other issues with the relationship and this is her way of dominating the situation.

Avalon Sat 11-Jan-14 19:38:06

Given that the sister lives in the same village as the parents, what hardship would it be to leave the dog at home?

I don't think the op wants to avoid all dogs for ever, just would like a little support from her family for this visit. For a week.

It's not asking a lot.

steff13 United States Sat 11-Jan-14 19:40:14

If you were asking the dog to be locked up or otherwise not present in his own home, I might think you were being unreasonable. However, the dog doesn't live with your parents, and apparently lives near enough that he wouldn't be left alone for more than a few hours if your sister and her kids come to visit, so I think you're not being unreasonable at all.

I have a large (100 lb.) bouncy dog, and I wouldn't dream of taking her to someone else's house, or allowing baby in my house without the dog being restrained. She's very friendly, has never hurt anyone, but she gets very excited when she encounters new people, and jumps up, and it takes her a good long while to calm down. I'd be afraid she would jump up on the parent and injure or scratch the baby. We usually keep her on a leash when people come over, until she settles.

I think your parents need to step up and tell your sister not to bring the dog over while you're visiting. If they refuse, perhaps cancel the visit and ask them to come visit you.

Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:43:26

YANBU. Your sister is being nasty and self obsessed.

It's a fucking dog. Even if your DS hadn't been attacked by one (which is so awful by the way, glad he is okay) then she should respect your wishes not to have an animal around a baby. But the fact he was attacked means she is even more of a heartless bitch.

You maybe can't avoid dogs forever, as such, but you can certainly avoid your 7 month old baby from being in close proximity of dogs.

SiliconeSally Sat 11-Jan-14 19:45:31

Clam Surely the Dsis doesn't need to organise a dog sitter while she visits her parents for half a day I the same village?

WooWooOwl Iran Sat 11-Jan-14 19:47:49

Your sister does sound like she's generally an unreasonable person, but I could see her point in this case.

There is no reason to believe that the dog is any danger to your son. There just isn't, unless it's a very badly trained dog with a terrible owner who hasn't socialised it at all and unless you decide to let your son annoy the odd and you leave them unsupervised.

Your fear is completely understandable, but the way your sister will see it is that the dog isn't a danger to your child and you are making a demand over something you have no real need to be that concerned about. She will see it that she is being asked to change her norm because you have decided to turn up and impose your unreasonable fear onto her family.

I can see both sides of it, and I can see why your parents have taken the attitude they have.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Sat 11-Jan-14 19:48:54

I am with you OP, completely. Cant bear dogs around children for lots if reasons. However, you are the visiting party. If your ds & dp are close and she takes the dog every day / every week whatever when she visits, I can see why dp feel uncomfortable making
provisions for your visit. i can see also why the ds takes the hump. Evenso, they are all wrong and should accommodate you better. Do as others suggest but say so in advance "no worries about ds dog, but I will probably go out for a walk etc when it's (the dog) there". Not to worry you even more but if they are a load of dog - lovers, they may see it as their mission to "make it better" for ds. My friend goes overboard trying to get my dss to play with her dog.. "oh look she can do x y z, come over and pat her" blah blah blah. she knows I dont want dogs near my dss but seems to think its her mission to "break them in". My cousin does the same. They are selfish but I suppose have honest intentions.

PiperRose Sat 11-Jan-14 19:49:48

YABU your sister's dog appears to be absolutely fine with children as she has 4 of her own. Her dog is obviously part of the family and she brings him/her when she visits (which is regularly) and you expect her to leave him/her at home because you are visiting for the first time in 2 years.

As a mother it is your responsibility to help your child to recover both physically and mentally from the attack and not pass on your feelings of trauma. What better way to do it than with a "big bouncy friendly dog"?

Idespair Sat 11-Jan-14 19:50:38

Why does your sister have to visit at all during the week you are there? She lives nearby and visits all the time anyway.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Sat 11-Jan-14 19:51:58

Is there any chance your sister is being resistant and your parents not wanting to get involved purely because there is no relationship between you and your sister so there must be general tension somewhere?

I'm surprised your sister visits so often while your there if she doesn't want a relationship with you.Maybe she does but due to not having one is being a bit of a pain?

Caitlin17 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:54:05

Couldn't you compromise and dog be kept in another room/ garden/ not every visit?

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable and digging in. Her dog doesn't have to always be there and you're going to find it difficult to avoid seeing dogs ever again.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Sat 11-Jan-14 19:55:53

Fwiw I would just go as normal and if you are uncomfortable with the dog go out while it's there.

But remember it's probably the norm for him to be there all the time.Your sister may not like having to change normality and make an effort,especially if she thinks you don't make one (which she may not,but given no relationship but her visiting so much when you are there that she may well want one but see you as resistant as may your parents given their response.Something to think about.)

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 19:59:33

Your fear is completely understandable, but the way your sister will see it is that the dog isn't a danger to your child and you are making a demand over something you have no real need to be that concerned about. She will see it that she is being asked to change her norm because you have decided to turn up and impose your unreasonable fear onto her family

Nicely put.
I don't have a dog myself, and if I'm honest, I totally cannot be arsed with doggy people who demand that their dog is regarded as equal to people at all.
In this case though I think the OP is demanding that her fears be made priority.
All this talk on here about the dog being there compromising the baby's safety is a load of old bull. The dog concerned has never done anything to anyone's knowledge, that has endangered a child. Except dare to be a dog. It's an overblown ask.

helenthemadex Sat 11-Jan-14 19:59:49

YANBU you have been through something very traumatic and terrifying in time you will feel ready to deal with that but a short one week visit where you are introducing your ds to family is not the time, your dsis sounds a bit of an entitled cow.

I would tell your parents that you feel they are putting the dog above their grandchild, and if they can not or will not say anything you will not go/stay elsewhere

helenthemadex Sat 11-Jan-14 20:02:54

the op's fear is not irrational, she has witnessed her 5 month old son being attacked by a dog, I can not imagine how awful and scary that would be, this dog probably is not a danger to her or her son but why should she put herself and her ds in a position where she is worried sick, thats not healthy for her or her son and probably not fair on the dog

nkf Sat 11-Jan-14 20:04:45

Bouncy friendly dog is a dreadful thing. All that slobbering and barging. I think your sister should be kinder to you. Does she know how you feel. Could you tell her? Maybe she doesn't realise how frightened it makes you feel.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 20:05:02

I can also understand why the parents don't want to get involved. The OP is asking them to take a stand against their other daughter, regarding something that is normal and every day to them all, in honour of her visit, to indulge her irrational fear. Awkward as hell....they can't be expected to take sides like that.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 20:07:26

It IS irrational. Understandable yes, but irrational all the same.

MarjorieChardem Sat 11-Jan-14 20:07:52

Your sister is being a completely selfish bitch. I have been bitten twice. Both were border collies. I would actually cancel. There's no way I would be in the same room as a dog if my child had been attacked and your parents need to prioritise their grandchild. If they couldn't even be bothered to do that I would say fuck them and not go.

How can anyone put a fucking dog first over their own grandchild or nephew? Unbelievable.

Andanotherthing123 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:08:30

YANBU - my brother had a big dog of a quite daft breed which jumped up loads and 'mouthed'. When my sister had her baby, DB was mortally wounded when she was asked if the dog could stay home on short visits to our parents - DS had been attacked by a dog as a child and was terrified of them. Fast forward 3 years to the birth of DBs DC and not only can the dog stay home it has also had a special enclosure built in the back garden to limit the time it's in their own house.

Am sure your sis dog is lovely, but the attack on your son is recent and your are scared. Totally reasonable IMO.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 20:09:56

How can anyone put a fucking dog first over their own grandchild or nephew?

No...how can anyone put a dog over someone else's irrational fear, would be accurate. The baby is not in any danger from the dog.

drbonnieblossman Sat 11-Jan-14 20:10:26

yanbu. given your ds has already been bitten by a dog, I think your dsis is being very selfish. her dog can visit your parents any time. your ds cant. Is your dsis a little green that you and ds may hog the limelight?

Purplepoodle Sat 11-Jan-14 20:12:45

You can't change other people so take your own steps. When she visits stick your baby in its pram and go for a walk or go to your room to feed. Remove yourself in a nice way.

meisiemee Sat 11-Jan-14 20:16:54

Your sister is wrong and probably acting jealous. It's your instinct to protect your child and given what already happened they should respect that. If the dog can not be in a different secluded area then arrange to visit other friends /family at those times the dog is visiting. Good luck x

lookatmybutt Sat 11-Jan-14 20:22:51

Erm, Piper, you seem rather contrary. OP visits rarely so it's no big deal to keep the dog away. Fuck, I put my cats away (or attempt to, it's a bit harder to herd cats) if the meter reader has a conniption about it.

I can think of a better way to reintroduce dogs to both the OP and her son: a nice, calm, friendly dog.

I love bouncy loon dogs a lot personally, but it's a bit much to ask of someone still suffering some amount of trauma.

I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I've noticed most MN dog owners are more sensible than you are. Also, depending on the dog, it may be fine with people it knows, but more excitable around strangers.

OP, YANBU. It's no big deal for your sister to keep the dog away unless she makes it a big deal (which she has).

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 20:27:14

Am I Piper?

I'm coming from the viewpoint that it's not reasonable to ask everyone else to alter their normal every day behaviour, in order to indulge an irrational fear.
What's not sensible about that?

MidniteScribbler Sat 11-Jan-14 20:34:45

I doubt this is even about the dog really. There's obviously a lot of tension between the two sisters, and neither is going to want to back down. Both parties need to find a compromise in order to move forward.

Toecheese Sat 11-Jan-14 20:34:47

I don't understand why your sister isn't more concerned about you feeling ok. She should be supporting you after such a scare.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 20:40:57

I agree midnite - both sisters are competing to be top dog here. Both want their wishes to be paramount. Both are being unyielding and selfish and looking to their parents to choose themselves over the other.

One wants to be awarded special circumstances, and the other wants to not have to go out of their way to accomodate them.

Stalemate.

It's an unpopluar opinion I know, but as the OP's fear over the dog IS unfounded, I think she should be the one to back down.

nkf Sat 11-Jan-14 20:43:09

But panic is very distressing. If you read the first post, you can see that she is experiencing distress. It's not about protecting a child. It's about managing fear. A dog in close quarters when you are feeling traumatised about dogs has to be managed. What I want to know is does the sister know?

Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:58:46

Bullshit pictish

Every dog that attacked a child had a 'first time' and presumably the majority were thought to be friendly pets before they attacked. Including the one that attacked the OP's DS.

The parents are endangering the child. Any dog can turn aggressive.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 21:08:30

Nkf - I agree. Panic is distressing, yes.

What if the sister backs down on this occasion, and the OP's distress never abates? Then every time the OP visits, rare though it is, she has established control over the daily goings on that occur in their normal lives, while she is there, owing to her ongoing irrational fear.
So each infrequent visit thereafter requires the parents and the sister to back down and pay homage to the OP's demands. It is entirely possible that if she gets her way once, she will expect it ever after.

Is that reasonable? Some may think it is...but I have to say that on balance, I wouldn't agree.

I am not without sympathy for the OP, but if it were me in her position I would view it as my problem, and not endeavour to make it everyone else's as well. Maybe I'm unusual in that, I don't know.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 21:10:19

So Juno - how do you propose OP proceed? By avoiding all dogs, everywhere forever?
Tricky.

nkf Sat 11-Jan-14 21:12:06

She hardly ever visits. Once a year or so and only for a week. And the attack is recent. Next year, she'll probably feel differently. Panic attacks aren't always permanent. If my sister told me she was panicking about dogs due to a vey recent attack on her baby, then I'd leave my dog at home. But then I don't have a dog. And dog ownership seems to make some people irrational. And unfortunately that irrationality does seem to be permanent.

PiperRose Sat 11-Jan-14 21:18:37

Butt. I'm not interested in a slanging march here. The op asked if we thought she was being unreasonable and I think she is. However :-

I did not say in my post I was a dog owner. As it happens I am, ironically of a Border Collie. I do not take my dog everywhere, if there is somebody scared of dogs I will keep my dog away from them. The child in question has no fear of dogs, this dog has no history, the fear is that of an adult who admits it is irrational. Oh and by the way, you are in no position to comment on how I care for my dog.

I have also been the victim of 2 dog attacks, one as a child (which has left me with facial scarring) and one as an adult. The actions of my mother who made sure I still spent time with dogs ensured that I found them a pleasure to be around and not be the victim of a debilitating fear.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 21:20:47

The parents are NOT endangering the child btw. Don't be so bloody dramatic.
You could apply that stance to anything and everything in that case. Don't get in a car - someone might crash into you. Don't eat a banana - you might choke to death. Don't go out in the snow - you might slip and bang your head. Etc etc etc.

The OP would do better to rationalise than indulge her fear. If she can't, then that's a shame, but it's not down to everyone else to compromise to accomodate it.
I'm sorry, but that's how I see it.

PiperRose Sat 11-Jan-14 21:22:58

Oh and everything Pictish just said.

I think yabu. There's no reason to think this dog is a threat to your baby. Many babies have been accidently injured by other children, should your nieces and nephews not be allowed to come either?

You know you are being irrational, but you want your family to alter their normal pattern of behaviour, even though you know there's not really a need to. It sounds a bit like you want some concrete proof of your family's love.

nkf Sat 11-Jan-14 21:29:55

It's not about protecting the baby. It's about the OP's feelings. And she admits they are irrational. But irrational feelings are real. She is upset. Her baby was attcked. She feels panicked aroudn dogs at the moment.. If I were here sister and knew she was feeling like this, I would cut her some slack.

nkf Sat 11-Jan-14 21:32:01

The dog can stay home this week. And the dog owner can hug her sister and say she hopes she gets over the fear and what a horrible thing to happen.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 21:34:19

I agree it would be nice if her sister were to cut her some slack, but unfortunately it's not something the OP can insist on.

perlona Sat 11-Jan-14 21:41:10

I would feel the same if someone had bitten my baby's face, your feelings are entirely natural. The problem is with with your selfish sister who insists on taking her dog with her regardless of anybody else's feelings. It's not about the dog, it's about her expecting everything to revolve around her, a normal person would understand and respect your fears. I wouldn't go or would stay at a b&b making it very clear that you will leave the second your sister turns up with her dog. If your parents want to see you and your kid, they'll accommodate, if not, they won't in which case, why bother?

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 22:47:10

Oh and a big thumbs up to those on this thread telling the OP that she is nbu, and that her baby is in danger from the bloody dog. Way to go to allay her fears folks. Jolly well done. You all helped loads.

<slow hand clap>

steff13 United States Sat 11-Jan-14 22:50:38

I'm coming from the viewpoint that it's not reasonable to ask everyone else to alter their normal every day behaviour, in order to indulge an irrational fear. What's not sensible about that?

In this case, the dog doesn't reside at the house in question, and has no real reason to be there, other than the sister wants to bring him. Maybe the OP's fear is irrational, but it's ok to have an irrational fear. The dog gets to visit 51 other weeks a year, apparently, why can't he have a week off for the OP's peace of mind?

Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 23:00:45

But her baby wasn't in a car crash, and didn't choke on a banana.

If he had, I would also find it entirely reasonable that she might want not take him on car journeys or feed him bananas.

Dogs can be dangerous. They can, and do, attack. It's also perfectly easy to avoids dogs for the rest of your life; not everyone is a bloody dog lover. Plenty of people choose to avoid dogs. You might see them out in the street, but you absolutely do not have to have any direct involvement with them.

Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 23:02:32

No one said her baby was in danger, for god sake.

But she is not being unreasonable. And she is not wrong to want to keep her baby away from the very same thing that recently hurt it.

And anyone who thinks she is BU, is probably the kind of person that thinks dogs are 'family members'.

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 23:04:31

Some of you seem to be completely lacking in empathy. The OP hasn't seen her parents in 2 years and the parents haven't even met their grandchild.

I don't suppose for one minute the baby would be in danger because the OP will make sure of that. However, I don't think it is at all an unreasonable request to ask that the dog be kept away from the house. If the sister lives in the same village why doesn't she leave the dog at home anyway? It isn't as if it is left for hours on end.

I stated in an earlier post that I know loads of people with dogs and they never take them when visiting other people's houses.

HaroldLloyd Netherlands Sat 11-Jan-14 23:07:57

I agree with bunbaker, it's really not a big thing to ask.

I'm sure OP knows that this is an issue of hers that will need to be dealt with over time, but really being in confined spaces with a big dog maybe too much too soon.

impty Sat 11-Jan-14 23:08:44

Yanbu.

I have 2 large dogs. They don't meet people who don't want to meet them. End of. They are kept in a safe pleasant room when my baby nephew comes to visit.

I trust them, I really do but I I would never risk it. I actually spend more time reminding everyone else that they are dogs not humans or toys!

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 23:19:03

No one said her baby was in danger, for god sake.

"Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:58:46

Every dog that attacked a child had a 'first time' and presumably the majority were thought to be friendly pets before they attacked. Including the one that attacked the OP's DS.

The parents are endangering the child. Any dog can turn aggressive."

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 23:19:24

Just sayin'

Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 23:25:53

Oh and a big thumbs up to those on this thread telling the OP that she is nbu, and that her baby is in danger from the bloody dog. Way to go to allay her fears folks. Jolly well done. You all helped loads.

<slow hand clap>

------

I refer to your post above pictish.

No one said her baby was 'in danger', just that she is reasonable to feel like her baby is in danger, because essentially, dogs can be dangerous creatures.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 23:33:47

So are cars and bananas and snow.

I sympathise with her fear, but I also recognise it is irrational. You lot backing her up in her demands are not helping her to rationalise it whatsoever. You're all encouraging her to think that if she is not pandered to, her family are against her.
Not very helpful.

Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 23:38:59

I don't think being opposed to having a large dog in a house is irrational.

Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 23:40:37

I also don't think it's pandering to someone if they would prefer not to have a great big dog come to the house at which they are staying, a couple of months after their baby was attacked, by a great big dog.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 23:44:49

Well...we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one Juno. My point of view may not be popular, but there you have it. It is what it is.

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 23:55:38

"I also don't think it's pandering to someone if they would prefer not to have a great big dog come to the house at which they are staying, a couple of months after their baby was attacked, by a great big dog."

^^ this

You just don't get it pictish do you? Trying to go "cold turkey" and deal with a large, boisterous dog so soon after the attack is unrealistic and could do more harm than good. I do think it is a good idea for the OP to acclimatise herself to dogs again, but this isn't the right time and place to do it.

Worried3 Sun 12-Jan-14 00:13:40

You are both being unreasonable. However, I suspect this is only partly to do with the presence, or otherwise, of your sisters dog.

OP, I can understand why you would rather the dog be kept away given recent events, but I think it a bit OTT to cancel the visit altogether over this issue. Surely a better compromise would be to ask for notice of when DS and dog are coming round, and go out? Not ideal, but as you do recognise your fear is irrational, perhaps better than not visiting at all?

I think it is also OTT to accuse your parents of prioritising a dog over their DGS. They aren't- if anything they could be said to be prioritising the your sisters wishes over yours. That is, I suspect, what is upsetting you- that your parents are not "on your side" on this and are not allowing your fears to over-rule your sister's normal routine/wishes.

Is it possible your parents are fed up of having to "take sides" and just want their DDs to sort it out themselves? Let's face it, whichever "side" they come down on, they are going to upset someone.

Your sister is being unreasonable in the sense that she could leave her dog at home, and I doubt it would make much odds to the dog or her in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps she doesn't understand how upset you are. Have you told her? Maybe she thinks you're being a bit of a drama queen, and doesn't see why she should bend over backwards to accommodate your demands, but if she knew how upset you were she would back down? Or perhaps she just doesn't see why she should disrupt her normal routine over what she sees as something totally irrational- perhaps not the most considerate thing to do- but I can see why she would hold that view.

I think you sound quite dismissive of her sister- and her parenting. Maybe you have good reason, but I wonder if your sister senses this and doesn't see why she should alter anything on your say so- especially something she sees as irrational- so is digging her heals in.

You say your parents won't stand up to her, as if she gets annoyed she won't let them see their DGC. But aren't you going to be doing the same thing? You are saying you won't visit if they don't do what you want- so if your parents don't do as you ask, then they won't see your son. I do note that they have not been to visit you in your home either though.

My advice, OP, would be to go and visit your parents and arrange to go out when your DS comes round. I think you also need to work on getting over your fears, as it's not worth letting it get out of hand. Oh, and suggest your DPs visit you in your home next time.

TheLittlestSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 00:14:09

Sorry I've been gone a while trying to sort something out with them. Sadly I won't be getting to see my parents any time soon and have now cancelled the trip sad

In short, they are not prepared to do anything different to what they normally do. No keeping dog home, in the garden, in one room or any other change. They're not even prepared to keep the back door closed so that the dog first arrives in a controlled manner 'because he gets so excited about visiting his grandparents'. So the first I'd know of his arrival will be him charging into the living room and jumping over all the furniture and people. I won't even get the chance to pick DS up off the floor. I can't cope with a week like that.

So now I'm the devil incarnate for upsetting my mum and my sister has been screaming at me down the phone that I'm never welcome there again. sad

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Sun 12-Jan-14 00:25:44

I am sorry to hear this; well done for being firm. I hope one day they realise what has been lost.

RenterNomad Sun 12-Jan-14 00:27:05

That's not a comfortable trip, potentially with nowhere to escape your fears, for a week, as you never know when your sister, dog and family might turn up.

Wow it sounds like everyone is being massively U. I find it hard to believe that this is really about the dog, seems a lot like it's really about asking your parents to pick sides between you and your sister. And both of you will with old access to your dc if you don't get picked.

Cancelling the trip seems like an overreaction just over the dog (I thought Worried's post had a lot of sense in it) but I wouldn't stay with someone who had been screaming at me. Is there any way you could try to discuss the real issues bout the family dynamics and reach a resolution?

Thisvehicleisreversing Sun 12-Jan-14 00:27:19

Only just finished reading this thread and saw your update op.

I'm so sorry that your family have been so unreasonable.

I can't believe that they aren't willing to accommodate you better for your visit. With your sister living close to your parents I can't understand how difficult it would be for the dog to stay home.

I wouldn't be happy staying somewhere with a big dog bounding about either and I haven't got a baby or had to experience the horror of a dog attack.

I'm sad for you that your parents aren't willing to move heaven and earth to get to see your beautiful little baby. sad thanks

Chippednailvarnish Sun 12-Jan-14 00:28:47

It's not your problem, it's theirs. And how dare your sister say that you're not welcome at your parents' house!

Chippednailvarnish Sun 12-Jan-14 00:32:58

It's not your problem, it's theirs. And how dare your sister say that you're not welcome at your parents' house!

Chippednailvarnish Sun 12-Jan-14 00:32:58

It's not your problem, it's theirs. And how dare your sister say that you're not welcome at your parents' house!

Chippednailvarnish Sun 12-Jan-14 00:33:22

I'll shut up now!

SkinnedAlive Sun 12-Jan-14 00:34:41

Awww so sorry to hear your trip has been spoilt OP sad I remember how scared I was driving after being in a road traffic accident. It doesn't matter whether a fear is rational or not - being scared is horrible. The real issue was never the dog, just the fact your sister was not prepared to compromise. If she had been, and a careful introduction had taken place, I have no doubt that by the end of the week you, the dog and your son would have quite happily been in the same room together. If your sister had any empathy at all, should have been happy to help you and your son get over your fear of dogs. Instead she seems to have used it as an excuse to cause a family rift and make you out as the bad one sad

pictish Sun 12-Jan-14 00:37:46

I find it hard to believe that this is really about the dog, seems a lot like it's really about asking your parents to pick sides between you and your sister. And both of you will withhold access to your dc if you don't get picked

I agree with that. This is not about the dog, it's about you and your sister.
I'm sorry it's such a mess OP, but I think you're all being as unreasonable as each other. You refusing to go if you did not get your way, and her screaming down the phone that you aren't welcome.
I hope you can all calm down and work out whatever your issues you have with one another, and find a resolution of sorts.

Bunbaker Sun 12-Jan-14 00:38:19

Quite apart from anything else, it is downright rude not take a visitor's discomfort into account anyway. Nothing like not making someone feel welcome.

Your sister sounds horrible. I'll be your sister if you like flowers

Worried3 Sun 12-Jan-14 00:38:36

Well, now I think your sister is BU- she should meet you half way and let you know when she is coming round so you can absent yourself. At the very least, the dog should be coming into the house in a controlled manner given your concerns and the age of your DS.

I still think this is only partly about the dog though. I think your parents just don't want to take sides, and I can understand that.

You can't be surprised that your parents are upset. Was it your sister who said you weren't welcome at your parents house? If so, it's not really up to her and I would ignore it completely.

Perhaps you should suggest your parents come and visit you? That way you'd feel more comfortable (home turf, no dog or sister) and your parents would get to see you and your son?

pictish Sun 12-Jan-14 00:39:38

Fwiw - I think she could at least have agreed to supervise the dog and keep it calm in your presence. On that you are definitely nbu. That was a perfectly reasonable ask.

I'm so sorry it has all got to pot like this. sad

pictish Sun 12-Jan-14 00:41:07

And yes...who the fuck is she to tell you you aren't welcome?
Outrageous behaviour.

Bunbaker Sun 12-Jan-14 00:43:31

Why do some dog owners think that everyone should love dogs?

I adore cats and think that people who don't are odd but when we had cat haters visit us I would shut them out. It is called good manners and making people feel welcome.

Why does this sister have such a sense of entitlement that her dog comes before the issues of her sister and nephew? Why can't she leave it at home? Is it so badly behaved unless it is supervised that perhaps the OP is right to be concerned?

TheLittlestSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 00:50:40

Quite a few people seem to think this is really about me wanting my parents to pick me over my sister. Really it isn't. It's about the fact that I'm haunted by the sounds of my baby screaming in a way I've never heard a baby scream before and the sounds of an angry dog and blood everywhere, my babies blood and thinking that he was dead, that the dog had killed him. Right now I just need to be able to go 'home' and to feel safe and have people around me and to feel like they care.

Bunbaker Sun 12-Jan-14 00:55:05

That's because they don't understand or won't try to understand.

pippop1 Sun 12-Jan-14 00:55:54

I totally agree with you OP and feel sorry that you are not going to see your parents.

From what you say your parents view themselves as grandparents of a dog? It's not you, it's them.

TheLittlestSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 00:56:37

Worried my parents won't come here. My husband has offered to pay for them to travel many times, they just won't come.

Give it a while. Your parents may come around she. They have bad time to think.

SiliconeSally Sun 12-Jan-14 01:05:25

I am so sorry, OP, of course that is what you want, and sadly you aren't safe in your parents house. And nothing to do with the dog.

It's funny, I was reading another thread where mother can't bring her self to let her MIL be with her baby after the MIL accidentally caused the baby' a foot to be scalded. Everyone understood that the trauma would take a long time to recover from even , and even if some posters did feel that she was actually being irrational they understood that.

Of course your anxiety is sky high.

So sorry.

clam Sun 12-Jan-14 01:08:10

YANBU. In your shoes I would be feeling very hurt that my family appeared to think so little of me and my child that a) they couldn't be arsed to visit us abroad and b) that they'd prioritise a bloody dog that's not even theirs, over meeting their grandchild for the first time in two years.

This is CRAZY.

Worried3 Sun 12-Jan-14 01:10:53

Hmm... you see I do think there are issues deeper then your fear of dogs and your sister refusing to leave her dog at home (although I do understand why you have those fears).

I don't mean that they are all your issues- I mean their is clearly issues between you and your sister at the very least.

Is there a reason why you're parents won't visit? Do you and your parents normally have a good relationship? Do they get on with your DH? Is it money (and they don't want to "take charity" as they are embarrassed)? Is it hating travel (although that could be overcome to see a DGC in all but severe phobias, I should think)? Is it ill-health?

Right now, I think you need to let the dust settle a bit, then contact your parents and try to explain why you cancelled your trip and your feelings- then listen to how they feel and why they acted the way they did. Perhaps a bit more mutual understanding (and good will) is required on both sides.

I do agree, though, that your sister should have been prepared to compromise by having the dog on a lead when entering the house and being kept away from your DS. Your parents should have encouraged/enforced that compromise. That way neither daughter would have been favoured and you could have visited.

The way she spoke to you after you cancelled wasn't right either- and I would bring this up with them. Do they know she said this?

clam Sun 12-Jan-14 01:16:02

And wtf is your mother "upset?" She's brought this about, firstly by refusing to be drawn in on the issue (effectively, therefore, choosing your dsis) and second, by stating that everything will be as normal with regard to the dog's visits.

I wouldn't countenance anyone trying the emotional blackmail line re: her feelings. And they will. It was your sister tonight; tomorrow your dad will bring out the big guns. I would just say " She's upset? How do you think I'm feeling? If they can all chuck their toys out of the pram, then chuck yours further.

TheLittlestSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 01:18:57

They won't come because it's out of their comfort zone. Anything foreign is out of their comfort zone.

clam Sun 12-Jan-14 01:22:36

Are they not keen to see their grandson? Here they are, with a great opportunity to meet him at last, all at your own expense and effort, and they've shot themselves in the bloody foot.

TheLittlestSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 01:25:53

I guess not.

MakingEveryDayCount Sun 12-Jan-14 01:31:57

YANBU, and it's completely understandable that you don't want your sister's dog there. (Even if it's not your sister's dog's fault,you're going to be anxious around dogs near your baby.)
If you're only there visiting for a week and she visits your parents a couple of times a week, why the hell she can't just leave the dog at home for that week you're visiting is a bit baffling.
A case of not giving a shit about her nephew (which is charming in itself) and only thinking of herself.

UncleT Sun 12-Jan-14 01:36:23

Definitely not unreasonable. A dog attacked her BABY's face - how the hell is she supposed to feel having him around dogs when the child's face is still not completely healed??

No, this is massively unacceptable. Not seen family for two years and they can't even make the simplest leap of empathy and understand her fear. Terrible conduct.

MakingEveryDayCount Sun 12-Jan-14 01:38:40

Sorry, just seen your update, OP. sad
They haven't visited you, have never met their grandchild and are still obstinate and putting obstacles in your way when you want to come and visit? Then scream and say you're not welcome? sad
I have no words. They sound absolutely awful. YADDDDDDDDDDDDDNBU, THEY are.

MakingEveryDayCount Sun 12-Jan-14 01:40:21

YANBU. In your shoes I would be feeling very hurt that my family appeared to think so little of me and my child that a) they couldn't be arsed to visit us abroad and b) that they'd prioritise a bloody dog that's not even theirs, over meeting their grandchild for the first time in two years.This is CRAZY.

Oh, and what clam said! ^^

Caitlin17 Sun 12-Jan-14 01:52:11

Quintessential that sounds sensible. I started thinking OP was being unreasonable but if sister isn't going to compromise by keeping the dog in another room I'm changing my opinion.

If sister isn't prepared to even give notice then OP is not being unreasonable.

Sorry Sprout - it feels rotten, doesn't it?

My relationship with my parents (now just my father) sounds similar in a lot of ways. Their/his relationship with my sister has always been unhealthy, and she also tantrums and screams when things don't go as she would like. A grown woman screaming like a toddler!

I have also been on the receiving end of her screaming down the phone at me.

I have reluctantly accepted that there is nothing I will ever be able to do to change this situation. Although I have had no contact with my sister for years now, I made the decision to detach emotionally from my father when DS1 (3) started to notice his grandfather's lack of interest. The final straw came was when I was due to give birth to DS2. My pregnancy was high risk, I knew I wouldn't be able to go full term, and my father agreed to stay with DS1 while I gave birth. I do not have many relatives in this country, and none who live close by.

It never happened as my sister decided to visit him with her children for the first time since she left the country 8 years ago. My father visits her several times a year. Her visit was timed to coincide with the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. My father told me that her visit might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He never came right out and said it, but he dropped enough hints to let me know he was unavailable to look after DS1.

I don't know if it will be the same for you, but after all the years of watching my parents pander to my sister, it took seeing my father drop my son in favour of my sister to spur me into making some changes in our relationship.

It's not you - it's them sad

ElbowPrincess Sun 12-Jan-14 08:16:27

I'm with you OP, yanbu! I am so sorry for what you and your DS went through, sounds horrific. Your description of it gave me the chills sad I hope he is healing well and is a happy wee boy smile

Longdistance Sun 12-Jan-14 08:26:01

I'm in total agreement with the op.

My dd2 who is 2.6 went to her god mothers house the other day. She has a bouncy big chocolate Labrador. He is harmless, but nonetheless she took the dog to her mothers as knew a) dd2 may be scared, and b) it's common sense, he's a big dog, and wasn't sure how he'd react more than likely to jump on her, or sit on her

I think your dsis is being highly unreasonable, but I'm not the best person to talk to about dogs, as to me they lick their bums, and then a humans face envy <puke> My idea of hell.

nkf Sun 12-Jan-14 08:43:37

Poor you. And your poor little boy. It made my blood run cold hearing what happened to him. Do they know how bad it was? It baffles me that they can be so unreasonable and unfeeling.

Take care. Your husband sound great and very supportive. Use the money you would have spent on someting for you and your family.

MaitlandGirl Sun 12-Jan-14 08:43:41

I'm so sorry it turned out like this. I'm a dog owner and also have 3 children. My dogs are fine with my kids but I never assume around other children.

We often take ours with us when we go to the inlaws (20 kms away) but if I know there's a visitor there with a pre-schooler I leave them at home, or shut them away if they turn up unexpectedly.

It's all about respect, and unfortunately it doesn't appear as if your parents and especially your sister respect you.

oadcb Sun 12-Jan-14 09:54:10

So sorry to hear they won't be reasoned with. IMO as the sister and parents don't see the dog could be a risk then its more a risk.

ikeaismylocal Sun 12-Jan-14 10:09:54

m sorry your trip has been canceled. It possibly is for the best.

My parents have a vile collie who bites children and adults he sees as lower than him. I do take my ds to stay at their house but if he comes into the room a shout get away very loudly at him and stamp my foot, the vile dog is now terrified of me and ds and that is the way I want it.

I hope your anxieties around dogs lessens over time.

I have anxieties around my ds's health after he was really ill with rs virus as a tiny baby. If someone came to visit with a cold I'd really panic, I know it is illogical but I can't help it. I have an appointment to talk about my anxieties next week, I wish I had done it sooner!

oadcb Sun 12-Jan-14 11:32:24

So sorry to hear they won't be reasoned with. IMO as the sister and parents don't see the dog could be a risk then its more a risk.

ithaka Sun 12-Jan-14 11:44:03

IMO as the sister and parents don't see the dog could be a risk then its more a risk.
Totally agree with this, and I say that as a dog owner and lover.

Children & dogs are a great combination, but it does need to be managed & handled appropriately. A big dog charging in unannounced is not acceptable with a new child in the house it has never met. No way, no how & it drives me mad that some people can't see that. It is always the children & dog who suffer as a result of lax & lazy management.

OP - you are right not to go - just not worth the risk when you can't trust the adults to show a bit of sense.

ukatlast Sun 12-Jan-14 13:23:34

OP 'So now I'm the devil incarnate for upsetting my mum and my sister has been screaming at me down the phone that I'm never welcome there again.'

Your Mum has only herself to blame..it is her house, her rules, so her fault she could not accommodate your totally rational fear and damage limitation approach. YANBU...they sound toxic.

Have you got photos of your baby's injuries because I really think they don't realise the extent of what happened.
How could any Grandmother knowing her grandchild had been recently attacked by a 'family dog' on seeing a photo not also want to minimise future trauma which she could so easily do if she chose to do so. Was she so lax about child safety when she parented you?

HaroldLloyd Netherlands Sun 12-Jan-14 13:27:01

Sprout how awful thanks

So sorry. I think they are being really bad about this.

SiliconeSally Sun 12-Jan-14 15:49:37

I would write your parents a letter telling them how upset you are, telling them what you said to us at 0050 this morning and enclose pics of your baby's injuries . Say that in time you may be calm enough to see your s dog as part if the family but fit now you just wanted to introduce your baby to his grandparents in an atmosphere that helped you get over the terrible shock you have had. And that you feel let down .

And refuse to communicate with your s at all.

I feel heartbroken for you. so pleased you have a solid and loving DH . Take care and I hope your baby gets better and better.

clam Sun 12-Jan-14 16:10:01

I think that's a good idea, and if they say again that they don't want to be taking sides, point out that they already have. It's quite clear where their loyalties lie - with your sister.

Weller Sun 12-Jan-14 16:16:27

I always put the dog in another room when babies/ toddlers visit my own home never mind taking him to visit other peoples home. In the same way he is put on a lead when meeting people. He has never been aggressive but he is an animal.

sykadelic15 Mon 13-Jan-14 03:09:11

OP I'm sorry.

You offered countless compromises and almost all included the dog STILL being there, you just wanted warning and some consideration.

This is entirely on them. Don't let them feel like you did anything wrong, you didn't. They may not have chosen your sister over you, but they did choose not to listen or care about your fears and take them seriously.

This is their loss.

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