I feel sick at the thought of this hen party

(158 Posts)
KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 14:12:01

I'm due to go to a hen party next month. Bride is the fiance of DHS close friend. She has turned from a really nice person to major bridezilla this has resulted in her arranging the wedding to suit her family/friends entirely and left his out, as a result, DH and I are evening only guests and since that means traveling from nearly London to Edinburgh, we are going to have to decline.

The main problem is the hen party. She is an older first time bride and nearly 15 years older than me. Her hen party is a sit down meal and old school disco in fancy dress, mainly attended by her family and a few friends. Sorry I'm rambling, here's the thing, she has invited DHS ex, the ex he cheated on me with when dd was 3 months old, the ex who bragged about it (god knows why) to all mutual friends, the ex who nearly broke up my marriage.

Dh said he would put me in a nice spa hotel to male a real weekend of it but when I mentioned his ex he got huffy and retreated to the man cave. It's still a sore point for us.

So am I unreasonable for not wanting to attend a hen party dressed as tinkerbell, face his ex and not even get invited to the wedding? I don't want to piss off the bride bit I don't want to spend all night miserable and avoiding the ex.

Why would you go anyway? It's so far away.

You're not even 'proper' guests, just peripheral.

Don't bother , it will be crap for you.

ilovesooty Sat 11-Jan-14 14:15:06

I cant imagine why you'd even be considering going.

Pancakeflipper Sat 11-Jan-14 14:15:26

I can understand you not wanting to go.

But won't you see the ex when at the wedding with your DH ? So the issue hasn't gone away really except you save time/money/stress by not going to the Hen Party .

And it could be worse, bridezilla could have booked a Richard Branson smal island for a fortnight and make you all pay for yourselve and her.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 11-Jan-14 14:15:49

I can't think of any reason on God's Earth to go to this event.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 11-Jan-14 14:16:25

OP isn't even going to the wedding Pancakeflipper

whois Sat 11-Jan-14 14:16:45

Why go? She isn't your friend.

PeanutPatty Sat 11-Jan-14 14:16:59

OP is not attending the wedding.

Ubik1 Sat 11-Jan-14 14:17:15

God don't bother

KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 14:17:33

I'm close by to the hen party, its only the wedding that is far away.

I know if I pull out she will make a huge bridzilla fuss, dh will make a fuss and ol lose my hefty deposit. I'm just miserable about it all

Iloveonionchutney Sat 11-Jan-14 14:17:33

I wouldn't go, why put yourself through that for someone who doesn't seem all that bothered about you anyway. I appreciate that the men are close friends but you don't have to be her friend too. If she approaches you about it I'd tell her you aren't comfortable being around this woman, surely she should understand that x

Eebahgum Sat 11-Jan-14 14:17:35

Yeah, I wouldn't go either. Just tell her you don't want to spend time in that bitch's company.

Onesleeptillwembley Sat 11-Jan-14 14:17:53

It was your cheating husband who nearly broke up your marriage. The ex, while not exactly covering herself in glory, isn't married to you.
I wouldn't go either, tbh it doesn't sound as if they're bothered about either of you being there.

Even without the ex issue I wouldn't go to the hen party, and would be thinking twice about the wedding itself.

YANBU.

I wouldn't go to the hen night. Life's too short to spend nights out in the company of people you'd rather not be with.

And I'd decline the evening invite too on the grounds it's too far away.

NachoAddict Sat 11-Jan-14 14:18:29

I wouldn't go if I were you. Not a chance.

paxtecum Sat 11-Jan-14 14:18:46

OP: Just decline the invite to the hen party.

hoppinghare Sat 11-Jan-14 14:20:12

No way would I go to either the hen night or the wedding. By inviting a woman your husband has had an affair with the bride is making it clear your feelings are no concern of hers.

ilovesooty Sat 11-Jan-14 14:20:27

Why on earth should your husband think he has the right to make a fuss? Don't go. And tell her why.

Your husband's attitude is disgraceful.

OhTheDrama Sat 11-Jan-14 14:20:45

Seriously! Your DH will make a fuss about you not wanting to face the woman he shagged when your baby was 3 months old?! And you are with him why precisely?

Sianilaa Sat 11-Jan-14 14:23:23

Nope, I wouldn't be going either!

And your 'D'H should understand why, frankly.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Sat 11-Jan-14 14:24:01

Nothing on earth would persuade me to go to that!

ChippingInWadesIn Sat 11-Jan-14 14:24:11

I wouldn't go. DH would be silenced with 'one single look'. He has no right to go all 'man cave' - he fucked up by fucking her and he needs to face up to that as often as you need him to.

Someone who hasn't invited you to the wedding is not entitled to make 'a huge fuss' over you not attending her hen party and if she really wanted you there, she shouldn't have invited his ex-fuck. Hardly rocket science is it?

As for the deposit - if you have separate money, dh can reimburse you. If not, one of those things. No point in spending MORE money to have a miserable time. If your money isn't 'in the pot' but you have paid for accommodation etc - see if you can change the date etc.

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 14:25:14

I would not go, noway.

anniepanniepears Sat 11-Jan-14 14:25:45

tell them to get stuffed, definitely refuse to go

JennyOnAPlate Sat 11-Jan-14 14:25:50

Don't go. Tell bridezilla exactly why you are not going. If dh doesn't understand why he's an enormous twat.

lilyaldrin Sat 11-Jan-14 14:26:01

I don't know why you'd go tbh.

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 14:26:31

Who cares of her reaction, she's not your friend. Why should you out up with it just because she will stamp her feet and rant.

KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 14:27:08

Sorry to drip feed

Dh denies cheating, although texts on his phone suggest otherwise. She originally bragged about it to mutual friends, taunted me with information about my house I.e the wallpaper colour to prove she had been there. However when someone told HER boyfriend, she denied it. Some mutual friends believe her when she says it didn't happen, some sided with me.

I completey agree that DH is the one who wronged me bit still, bragging and taunting is not on.

I'm slightly tempted to turn up looking fabulous and chat to my friends all night but I know il be hurting inside

I agree that your DH should be bending over backwards to support you in not going.

If you aren't the Brides friend or part of the day celebration, there isn't an obligation to go to the hen party.

This will stay with you, if you go and it will fester.

The Bride is BU if she creates a fuss for you not to have to sit in the company if a woman who shagged your husband when you had a three month old and didn't even have the grace to feel ashamed and remorseful about it.

Don't go, kick your DH into touch over his attitude.

MairzyDoats Sat 11-Jan-14 14:28:41

Act enthusiastic until the day before and then get 'ill'. Is anyone going who could be moral support for you?

eurochick Sat 11-Jan-14 14:28:45

So the options are lose deposit or pay more money to go to an event you don't want to go to, and be around people you don't want to see? I know which option i would be choosing.

sebsmummy1 Sat 11-Jan-14 14:29:53

Oh just lie and say your son/daughter is poorly or something and drop out. I know it's bad form to let people down at the last minute but I wouldn't want to go under those circumstances either and at least with an emergency type excuse you can avoid a big deal bring made of your absence.

HoobleDooble Sat 11-Jan-14 14:29:54

I'd let my very gobby, straight-talking, extremely defensive best mate go in my place!

"She originally bragged about it to mutual friends, taunted me with information about my house I.e the wallpaper colour to prove she had been there."

You have been "wronged" by the pair of them.

She has treys to undermine your relationship (jealousy over the pregnancy?), you never have to be polite to her.

Floggingmolly Sat 11-Jan-14 14:32:06

Who gives a shit about her making a Brideszilla fuss? And if your DH would seriously make a fuss himself; I'd have his arse on a plate.
What's his problem? hmm

ilovesooty Sat 11-Jan-14 14:33:07

Why would the OP need to lie and fake an emergency or illness? IMO she needs to make it abundantly clear that she chooses not to go, and why.

And her husband should man up and stop behaving like some kind of misunderstood victim.

Belchica Sat 11-Jan-14 14:34:14

Why do you not want to piss off the bride? If she invites London based friends only to the evening part of her wedding in Edinburgh, its probably because she doesnt care if they can make it. Token gesture. Get DH to book that spa hotel for you both instead of going to the wedding/hen. Sounds like you need that more than anything.

ilovesooty Sat 11-Jan-14 14:34:21

Flogging I suspect his problem is that he's as guilty as fuck and doesn't want to face that.

risingsunshine Sat 11-Jan-14 14:35:12

Not in a million years would I go.

TartyMcTart Sat 11-Jan-14 14:35:58

Just say no thanks. To the hen party and the wedding.

Logg1e Sat 11-Jan-14 14:38:36

Your reasons for going:

1) How will going and spending even more address the issue of the deposit? Look up "Sunk Cost Fallacy".

2) The sooner you tell the bride, the better. I doubt she'll be that mad given she hasn't even invited you to the (free, open-to-the-public) wedding ceremony.

3) Your husband will make a fuss? How??

Logg1e Sat 11-Jan-14 14:39:46

And how is your husband planning on supporting you at the evening do, in front of this woman he either have had an affair with or who has spread lies about you?

mrsjay Sat 11-Jan-14 14:40:00

she isnt your friend you are not going to the wedding you dont go to the hen do , i am not being funny but are you just having a moan about the ex going which is fair enough it seems weird you are both invited and not going to go anyway

EduCated Sat 11-Jan-14 14:40:19

Don't go. It won't be a fun or relaxing evening for you. So what if you lose the deposit? It'll still be cheaper than going. You don't he to do this.

I am gobby and straight talking, but I know this doesn't suit everyone, but I wouldn't make excuses.

You don't have to be polite to twats, you have the right to stand up for your relationship, especially once you have given birth.

Tell everyone straight why you are not going.

This woman isn't fit to be in your company, you are not lowering yourselve to sit in hers.

Sometimes being the bigger person is standing up for what is right behaviour and not allowing anyone to attack your family unit.

whereisshe Sat 11-Jan-14 14:46:35

Life is too short for this kind of angst. Obligatory social occasion attendance is only applicable if it's someone you care about. Why worry about upsetting someone you don't like? I wouldn't go if I were you, both because it sounds boring/expensive and because it will make you miserable.

KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 14:52:07

Dripfeed sorry! It's been 3 years since the cheating incident, I know I should be over it by now but it still hurts. I know if I pull out I will be accused of dragging that up again.

I was looking forward to going, a night out is a night out, my friend is going and has promised moral support. I know she will be brilliant, she always is but I'm still shaken. I only just found out ex is going via fb, the bridzilla didn't even tell me.

Dh will cause a fuss because I'm dragging it up again.

KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 14:54:53

I don't want to give her the power of knowing I didn't go because she was there sad

MsAspreyDiamonds Sat 11-Jan-14 14:59:01

Do not go, say you have other plans and it's not convenient for you to change them now.

Logg1e Sat 11-Jan-14 14:59:49

OP, It's been 3 years since the cheating incident, I know I should be over it by now

Really? I don't think I'd be over it by now if by "over it" we mean, never thinking about it and not worrying about spending time with the other woman.

I know if I pull out I will be accused of dragging that up again.
Dh will cause a fuss because I'm dragging it up again.

This is not ok.

Logg1e Sat 11-Jan-14 15:01:35

OP, I don't want to give her the power of knowing I didn't go because she was there

Your husband should be "dragging it up". He should have made it very, very clear to you how he intends to behave in order to present a united front, and not leave you feeling uncomfortable or out of your depth for a second whilst there's a chance you both might be in the same company as her.

JabberJabberJay Sat 11-Jan-14 15:09:01

Honestly OP don't go. It doesn't sound like you really want to and she's not a close friend of yours.

Who gives a stuff if the bride throws a strop?

Likewise, who cares if the OW gets the 'satisfaction' of thinking you pulled out because of her?

I would make an excuse and not go. Your DH should be backing you up on this.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 15:16:06

Your husband is upset that you don't want to spend a weekend with the woman who had sex with your ex-husband?

HamletsSister Sat 11-Jan-14 15:19:29

Spend the money on doing something you will enjoy with people you care about.

wobblyweebles Sat 11-Jan-14 15:23:18

I don't really understand what your husband wants you to do?

Does he want you to go even though the OW will be there? Or does he want you to not go because she will be there?

It sounds like whatever you do he will be pissed off?

ImperialBlether Sat 11-Jan-14 15:25:42

No, Crowler, her husband was the one who slept with the woman! The OP "keeps dragging it up."

givemeaclue Sat 11-Jan-14 15:25:50

Change spa to a different weekend. Do not go to hen party

MrFMercury Sat 11-Jan-14 15:33:23

I agree with givemeaclue and don't apologise to your husband or the bride. Neither can see how unreasonable they are being and don't let them bully you into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

stephenisjustcoming Sat 11-Jan-14 15:35:37

Jeez, don't go. How much would you pay not to have to go through a weekend of stress, plus the time worrying about it beforehand? I bet it's the same or more as whatever deposit you'd lose.

I don't think you need worry about what 'message' it sends out to anyone, but if it did send a message to the other woman, it's that you'd rather lose a deposit than spend one second in her company. That doesn't mean you're cowed or scared, just discerning.

rookiemater Sat 11-Jan-14 15:39:29

Don't go. Yes you will lose money on the deposit, but better that than throwing good money after bad to attend what sounds like a fairly crap party, in the company of someone that you hate for good reason.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 11-Jan-14 15:41:34

Definitely don't go op! Your DH has no leg to stand on telling you what to do in this situation. How dare he expect you to put up with the ex, and you being upset.
I would give it a miss seriously. You do not owe them anything. And if the bride was an understanding person she would accept you not attending.

NoelOfLorst Sat 11-Jan-14 15:41:37

Don't go, let the bride make a fuss. Why does she even want you there anyway**it doesn't sound like she's especially friendly with you, or particularly fussed about your feelings

**(no offence meant to you btw, I'm sure you're lovely!)

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 15:43:56

Your h should be respecting and supporting your decision not to to go, not making you feel guilty about not going as his fancy piece was there and you are 'dragging it up' so to speak, he should not make you do something that you don't want to do. Stuff him and the deposit. He should be grovelling to you.

Topaz25 Sat 11-Jan-14 15:45:51

You're not going to the wedding, you don't have to go to the hen party. I disagree with the advice to invent an emergency or illness to drop out at the last minute though. A former friend of mine was a no show at my hen party and lied about why. Dropping out at the last minute is rude when people have made arrangements. You've got plenty of time to tell the bride in advance that unfortunately you can't make the hen party. You don't have to tell her why or mention the OW if that would make you uncomfortable. Your DH should be more supportive.

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 15:47:56

I would think long and hard about your h, still denies cheating despite evidence, and disrespecting you and your feelings about the hen night where his but on the side will attend. Making you feel lousy if you ding go as you will be thought to be 'dragging it up'. You need to be assertive and not stand for such rubbish.

diddl Sat 11-Jan-14 15:49:36

So the bride of a wedding that you are going to will make a fuss-so what?

Your husband will make a fuss if you don't go-why??

Why does he care if you go ot´r not?

Does he want you there because the OW will be?

If so-why??

To show that you can face her/have forgiven him??

Tell him to fuck off permanently

dontcallmemam Sat 11-Jan-14 15:56:46

Why would you go a Hen party if you're not invited to the proper wedding?
Have you got to go all the way from London to Edinburgh too?
I would politely decline.You don't need to give a reason, do it formally in the 3rd person.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 15:58:43

I'm really confused.
Who is coming to the hen party that's upsetting to you?

McFox Sat 11-Jan-14 16:00:44

God no, don't go! She'll be too busy with her best mates and family to give you the time of day anyway, so save yourself the trauma and decline.

rookiemater Sat 11-Jan-14 16:01:54

You don't have to give the reason that you are declining, in fact I would go out of my way to ensure that you don't.

The bride to be is entitled to ask who she wants to the hen do and if there was no confirmed affair, then it wasn't an etiquette faux pas on her behalf to ask this other woman.

I would just say that something has cropped up and you can't make it. DH can't be that close to the groom to be if you didn't even get a full days invite.

justmyview Sat 11-Jan-14 16:02:47

I think YABU for criticising the plans for the hen night & wedding. Bride & groom can't suit everyone's preferences. If they want a small wedding, that's their choice. Wherever they hold the wedding, it'll be inconvenient for some people.

YANBU for not wanting to go to the hen night. I'm a little confused about that - why does your DH even care if you go or not? Why is it such a big deal for him either way?

Topaz25 Sat 11-Jan-14 16:06:35

Crowler As far as I can work out the OP's husband had an affair with his ex. (but denies it). It's the OW who is coming to the hen party.

PavlovtheCat Sat 11-Jan-14 16:08:36

you said your DH will pay for you to stay in a spa hotel to make the most of it. Why not tell him you will take him up on that offer, but somewhere else, and you will do that instead of going to the hen do, very nice of him to offer thanks very much.

Do Not Go.

clam Sat 11-Jan-14 16:09:10

Why does your dh care either way if you go to the hen do? You're an adult - if you don't want to go, don't go. You don't even have to explain why not, if you choose not to - or if it gives him another reason to have a go at you for "bringing all that up again."

Although that there ^^ is your problem - that he wants you to STFU about his fling. 3 years/3 decades, if you're not allowed to talk it out, of course it will still be festering. He should be walking on hot coals to help you deal with this, not insisting you spend the weekend with the OW.

Don't go.

Book a spa weekend elsewhere.

Your husband is a prick.

ImperialBlether Sat 11-Jan-14 16:12:19

DH and XP were together then split up.

OP and DH got together.

They had a baby.

When the baby was tiny, DH had an affair with XP.

XP bragged about this to everyone.

DH denies it's true.

When XP got together with her man, she denied it, too.

Now Bridezilla, who is going out with the DH's friend, has invited XP to the hen party.

KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 16:13:36

Dh wants me to go instead of calling up bridzilla and saying hi its kitty I know I RSVP and paid for your hen bit I wont be going as I just found out ex is going and as you know she allegedly slept with my husband and so I would rather not see her. Bye.

As this would be "dragging it up" and causing a fuss.
Dh is very close to the groom, groom was our best man, the groom has had no say in planning the wedding hense why we are not invited to the full wedding.

crowler my husband's ex girlfriend from years ago, he allegedly cheated on me with her when dd was tiny.

I am currently in Scotland, near the hen venue but moving to England soon and so would have to travel to the evening do.

<<I'm slightly tempted to turn up looking fabulous and chat to my friends all night >>

There are many reasons why you could decline the hen night, BUT it sounds to me as if part of you does want to go.

Why not go with your mate, greet the bride, then leave after half an hour and say you'd just "dropped in" & had already agreed to meet other friends in a club.

Turn up, as you say, looking fabulous, and feeling confident and set on having fun. show the alleged OW that you don't give a ff!

Famzilla Sat 11-Jan-14 16:15:40

Your DH sounds like a self absorbed, controlling asshole.

Don't go if you don't want to, why do you care if the bride throws a strop? She doesn't care about you. She probably just wants a large number of people at her hen do to boost her ego.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 16:15:51

So your husband thinks you're being dramatic, or.... ?

I don't think the bride considers you a good friend or she wouldn't have invited this woman. I would take a pass.

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 16:23:25

I agree fam, you do not have to explain anything, just say you now have other commitments, or simply you are not able to go.

diddl Sat 11-Jan-14 16:24:03

"I know I RSVP and paid for your hen bit I wont be going"

That puts a different slant on it.

Does the bride know about you & OW?

Would you mind so much if she hadn't turned into a bridezilla & you weren't only invited to the evening do?

hamptoncourt Sat 11-Jan-14 16:25:24

Your DH should be supporting you in this, not making you feel bad. His attitude and behaviour is totally unacceptable. It shows a lack of care, respect and love for you. But you know this already don't you?

How dare he get huffy!!!

diddl Sat 11-Jan-14 16:25:39

That said-it could be that her fiance isn't bothered about your husband being thee & is OK with it being all bout her friends & family.

tobiasfunke Sat 11-Jan-14 16:30:09

Don't go. No one's wedding should cause you to feel uncomfortable, awkward or humiliated. Your dh wants you to go because he doesn't want the whole episode dragged up because he would feel bad- he'd rather you did instead. Nice.
You have no real need to go as the bride and groom expect you to come all the way from London to Edinburgh for an evening do- so that's basically a non invitation. So you owe them nothing.

Personally I wouldn't go unless I was going to drink too much and have the balls to make a scene and call the other woman an evil hoor and spoil the hen party - now there's an idea.

TaraLott Sat 11-Jan-14 16:35:23

Ever stop to think why the bride has invited you both?

Maybe you two are the entertainment and they're looking forward to a fight?

diddl Sat 11-Jan-14 16:41:19

"Maybe you two are the entertainment and they're looking forward to a fight?"

Or maybe as three years have passed it's not at the forefront of her mind?

MorrisZapp Sat 11-Jan-14 16:47:55

Your reasons for going are so flimsy, its clear that the reason you are planning to go is because you want to.

Losing a deposit? Who cares? You want to go, so go.

Oh dear god decline! And if she kicks up a fuss i'f ask how she would feel spending a night out with her DP's ex, one he had cheated on her with. If she has no compassion for your feelings on that, or your DH doesn't, then I'd tell them both to pull their selfish heads out their arses for five minutes and try some empathy.

maras2 Sat 11-Jan-14 17:13:43

Just say no.If you're falling out about it now,imagine what it'll be like if you do go.He has no place expecting you to do this. Anyhow it sounds like a crap do.Also I wouldn't be in the same place as exOW especially if drink was taken.

diddl Sat 11-Jan-14 17:19:36

"the ex who nearly broke up my marriage."

Well, as much as your husband!

And that's the thing again-if he hadn't cheated there wouldn't be an issue!

How long are people supposed to not invite who they want to or put up with one always declining because some bloke couldn't keep his dick in his pants?

Alconleigh Sat 11-Jan-14 17:23:25

Is the bride actually a friend of yours? I can't tell from your posts; it mostly sounds like you just know her through your husband rather than being friends. In which case, why would you go? I have only been to hen dos of women I really like, have known for years and am going to the wedding. Or is she one of those who invite all women they know including ransoms from work in order to feel popular?

Alconleigh Sat 11-Jan-14 17:24:13

Or indeed randoms from work.

CocktailQueen Sat 11-Jan-14 17:25:56

Not in a million years would I go. Why on earth does your dh expect you to? And if you're only invited to the evening wedding then you can;t be that close to the bride?

Sallyingforth Sat 11-Jan-14 17:28:34

I certainly wouldn't go. I would expect DH to take me out somewhere very special instead.

Tinkertaylor1 Sat 11-Jan-14 17:29:24

If he is so close to your husband why are you not invited to the whole day ?

I got invited to my step sisters wedding, but only the evening - I declined , said I was away.

It was a fucking huge circus event courts tens of thousands and people got the pockets picked grin

Your dh has ZERO input in to an event YOU have been invited to go to. If you dont want to go, DONT.

You will be just sat there, on your own, hating it while his ex is having a ball.

kitsmummy Sat 11-Jan-14 17:29:42

If you're not good enough friends to be invited to the whole wedding, then you're really not good enough friends to go on the hen do. Just decline, make up a lame excuse if need be, the bride may get pissy with you but she genuinely doesn't really care about you.

MrsAMerrick Sat 11-Jan-14 17:30:21

diddl is right. Personally, I wouldn't goto the hen do or the wedding, but I don't think the bridezilla is being unreasonable in inviting both you and the ow. If you have taken back your husband after his appalling behaviour, she might assume you've not got a problem with the whole thing.

I wouldn't go all the way to Edingurgh for the evening bit of the wedding, I think its reasonable to say no to that, and explain its due to distance etc. If they really wanted you there then they would have invited you to the whole thing.

I haven't read all the replies, but no way on gods earth would I be going. Sod the deposit and the bridezilla.

Too much booze + women with ishoos in one place is never going to end well.

diddl Sat 11-Jan-14 17:31:33

OP-why did you accept in the first place?

WeAreDetective Sat 11-Jan-14 17:39:26

Op.. Even if, lets just say, your DH didn't sleep with her...why would you want to be anywhere near a woman who would 'brag' about sleeping with him??

Seems to me you owe none of them anything! Do what makes you feel comfortable. You are entitled to 'make a fuss' if that means not wasting anymore of your money in the company of this complete cow bag.

TimeToPassGo Sat 11-Jan-14 17:39:53

Don't go. What was the deposit for? Is it something you can rearrange for your own benefit? E.g. a spa weekend on a different weekend.

Your DH sounds like a twat by the way.

KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 17:40:12

As I have said DH is very close to the groom, friends since toddlers. Bride has chosen everything for the wedding from the colours to the food, even the ushers. Groom told dh this himself. Bride chose to invite her family and very few of the grooms friends. That is why we are evening only.

I accepted last July because I wanted to go, only found out this afternoon that ex is going, I found out via Facebook.

I'm waivering because my RL friends are all pushing me to go and not "let her win" I'm feeling pulled in all directions and very sensitive sad

WeAreDetective Sat 11-Jan-14 17:40:51

Sounds to me like you are far too wrapped up in making sure everyone else is placated. Look after yourself first.

rookiemater Sat 11-Jan-14 17:43:41

Kittylane1 - I certainly don't think you should say to the bride to be that you aren't going to the hen do because of who she has invited, she should not be expected to know all the ins and outs of the private lives of her guests.

I think you should just say that you are unable to go because something has cropped up, invent something if you must. Personally I'd just email or text her rather than phoning and say that you can't make it and offer your apologies.

Viviennemary Sat 11-Jan-14 17:48:21

If you can't face the thought of going make an excuse. You are on holiday, visiting a relative. Anything. But don't go if you are dreading it.

WeAreDetective Sat 11-Jan-14 17:50:48

Come down with a stomach upset/cold/flu....

diddl Sat 11-Jan-14 17:50:49

Who else will be there?

Others that you would enjoy a night out with even if she is there?

If not, then don't bother.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 11-Jan-14 17:53:10

If I were in your shoes I'd decline. I'd probably try and find a new circle of friends too.

The groom sounds like a drip - moaning behind the back of his future wife and his lack of input into his own wedding.

The ex - either finding it hysterically funny to lie about something that could rock the foundations of someone else's private life, or happy to shag a married man.

Your DH - shouldn't he have confronted her publicly if he was completely innocent? And if he wasn't then he just has to live with it if you all circulate in the same claustrophobic group.

The bride - everyone seems afraid to upset her regarding everything to do with her wedding, yet she's supposed to be a mature adult.

And all for a wedding you're not really welcome at, even though your DH is one of his longest mates.

I just wouldn't have the energy to be bothered with it all. confused

MerylStrop Sat 11-Jan-14 17:55:20

Why would not going be letting anyone "win"?

Being evening only guests absolves you from any expectation that you might attend the hell do

Don't put yourself through it!

(tbh fancy dress alone is reason enough to decline)

MerylStrop Sat 11-Jan-14 18:00:19

You don't need to explain your reasons for declining, anyone with a shred of sense would understand why its not a great idea for you to go, but there is no need for anyone to discuss it.

Just be ill or realise that it clashes with something unavoidable. And your DH would be well advised to be supportive of this as of anyone he should be the last person to want you hurt by this situation.

Sallyingforth Sat 11-Jan-14 18:03:03

As I have said DH is very close to the groom, friends since toddlers.
and yet he's not invited to the wedding - only the evening.

I'm surprised that he wants anything to do with it, after such a calculated insult. Has he any balls?

alphabook Sat 11-Jan-14 18:04:44

I haven't read the whole thread, but I am amazed your relationship has managed to recover when you believe your husband cheated on you, he has never admitted it and you have never resolved this.

I wouldn't go. I would be honest and tell the bride that you are very sorry but after finding out she will be there you don't feel comfortable spending time with a woman who bragged about sleeping with your husband while you were together. You are not "dragging it up" like your "d"H is suggesting, you are just not putting yourself in a potentially very awkward and miserable situation. And I don't see why she would care that much about you not being there considering she obviously doesn't value the two of you enough to invite you to the actual wedding ceremony.

CynicalandSmug Sat 11-Jan-14 18:07:00

You are really overthinking this! Just don't go, and stop thinking about it. Why on earth get stressed about a daft night out????

KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:16:40

cynical your right. Thanks everyone, I'm not going to go. I'll text bridezilla tonight simply saying I won't be attending

Objection Sat 11-Jan-14 18:25:04

Don't go. work out how much money you be spending and go out and treat yourself instead (with DH? or friends)

(or you could just save the cash but that would be dull grin )

Merel Sat 11-Jan-14 18:38:32

Wild horses couldn't drag me to this event! I wouldn't even bother making up an excuse it's that laughable. Did you accept before finding out the 'OW' was going?

Hissy Sat 11-Jan-14 18:40:26

Good for you! Cancel the hen thing, cancel the wedding.

She'd invite the ExP/OW to that too I presume?

Just back out of the lot. Doesn't sound like that marriage'll last anyway.

Tell the groom you'll come to his and his next wife's wedding!

mumnosbest Sat 11-Jan-14 18:47:21

She isn't your friend. She isn't DHs friend. She hasn't invited you to the wedding. You don't want to go and it's miles away so why did she invite you and why would you think about going. I would also turf DH out of his man cave, tell him you don't want to spend the evening with the tart that woman and let him explain to his friend and bridezilla if need be.

mumnosbest Sat 11-Jan-14 18:48:21

Just read the other posts. Well done kitty

WeAreDetective Sat 11-Jan-14 18:50:12

Glad to hear it!! smile

maras2 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:54:01

Good woman yerself.

AndHarry Sat 11-Jan-14 18:55:41

I wouldn't go. The stress and upset leading up to it would far outweigh any fun I might have on the night. If you've already paid a deposit then it's a wrench to write it off but why spend more money on something you don't fancy?

It sounds as though you might still want to go though, in which case I would get my mates together and make it part of a whole weekend where you have a great time and can leave the evening do after an hour without making too much of a dent in the fun.

Logg1e Sat 11-Jan-14 18:59:06

Great contribution AndHarry

DontmindifIdo Sat 11-Jan-14 19:03:28

Good decision, btw, if the bride gets difficult, you are allowed to lie and say it clashes, I'd be temped to say you've been invited to the evening do of a friends wedding... Tell DH he can back you up or you'll say that you aren't going because his xp will be there, which wouldhe prefer?

JapaneseMargaret Sat 11-Jan-14 19:10:27

How n earth do you get past an infidelity, put it in the past and move on with a solid relationship, when your DH denies it ever happened....? confused

I don't even understand how that work....

KatOD Sat 11-Jan-14 19:20:39

I'm a little confused about 1 thing... Your DH has denied the cheating, the "OW" also denied it when she ended up with someone else. How incriminating was the evidence on his phone? Cast iron? One explanation for your husband behaving like this would be that he was telling the truth... (Happy to point out that he's being an idiot if there really is no doubt he cheated though).

Anyway, if you wouldn't feel comfortable don't go, just because your DH and the groom are mates doesn't mean you have to be matey with the bride. Who's the best man for the wedding? Did the groom at least get to choose that?! Sounds awful...

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 19:22:24

That's good op, you do have the option nit to go. It does not sound like you know the bride that well, for that alone I would not go,?let alone the other things.

KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:30:29

Couple of points:

DH foes not deny that he met up with his ex, he does not deny that she was in the house. He told me they hung out after she said she had a present for dd however I am yet to see a present. He denied anything inappropriate happening. She told friends that she had sex with my dh in our bed and that they also kissed in our car. She bragged about it and how he still used tricks she taught him. If this is true it means she also cheated on her boyfriend, when someone told her boyfriend she denied it. That is how both have ended up denying it.
I don't remember the texts word for word but they were suggestive, the last text was him asking when he could go round to her house.

The groom was allowed to pick his own best man and family name dictates his choice of kilt. That is all. He has had no say in venue, food, guests etc. Bride also gave him a list of "suggested" stag do's.

Bridezilla has not text back yet

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 19:41:05

He told me they hung out after she said she had a present for dd however I am yet to see a present.

Maybe I've seen too much Law & Order, but this for me would be a problem. Has he been able to tell you what the present is, if not show you?

JapaneseMargaret Sat 11-Jan-14 19:43:41

So even though you know/believe he had sex with her, you're just accepting his lies?

That can't be easy.

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 19:45:16

My goodness, the fact your h still Denys it despite the evidence, would be a deal breaker. Bridezilla sounds bloody awful, someone one should rein her in, she needs a leash preformed she gets out of hand. Good on you, you know you would not have a good time, with fancy piece there and bride sills sounds like a bundle of fun.

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 19:46:06

Bridezilla I meant

KatOD Sun 12-Jan-14 07:16:28

Can completely see why you don't want to go.

Chottie Sun 12-Jan-14 07:24:13

I would not go to the wedding evening do or the hen party. Good luck I really hope this works out for you.

Inertia Sun 12-Jan-14 07:47:03

The stress of going isn't worth it. If bride or other friends complain , you could say that the Ex has form for making totally inappropriate comments about your husband ; you wanted to avoid possible upset for the bride so you are bowing out gracefully so as not to spoil the bride's evening. This makes you look like the dignified person in this horrid situation.

Tell your husband the same thing if he moans , and remind him that it's his conduct that led to this in the first place. Don't be bullied into submission. (He wouldn't be the first cheating man to get some kind of thrill frpm the thought of his wife and OW 'competing' for him. )

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-Jan-14 08:15:32

You're eh sounds like a prick. I'd get rid tbh.

willyoulistentome Sun 12-Jan-14 08:23:52

Wild horses could not drag me there if I were in your shoes. Your DH I is a past if he can't see your point.

SapphireMoon Sun 12-Jan-14 08:24:22

Make sure you stick to your guns op and try not to get involved with any silliness from Bride, friends or dh.
You are not going as have other plans [washing hair, cutting your toe nails etc]. You don't need to say why, none of anyones business.

Nombrechanger Sun 12-Jan-14 08:27:43

Life's too short to put yourself in situations that you can't find any reason to be in. It sounds awful.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-Jan-14 08:30:10

this whole circle of people sounds like a nightmare op. The problem with not resolving the alleged affair debacle is that there will be more similar events that cause you pain. Gave you considered counselling re the affair. I think that the man cave is an excuse not to be honest and open about the relationship...and a sign of guilt.

Nombrechanger Sun 12-Jan-14 08:34:31

Christ, I just noticed your other post, OP.
This is also an awful situation to be in. Like I said, life's too short and you're worth much more than that.
The hen do would be the least of my troubles.

Mouthfulofquiz Sun 12-Jan-14 09:11:24

That sounds like the worst weekend ever. Don't go.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 12-Jan-14 09:19:53

I'm glad you decided not to go op.

I'm so sorry that your h put you in this situation. He sounds like a twat.

Lilacroses Sun 12-Jan-14 09:28:30

Thank god op! When I read the op I was astonished that you would even think of putting yourself through that!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 12-Jan-14 09:41:27

So you've had these past three years of pain knowing that your dh cheated yet feeling unable to do anything about it?
sad
How are things between you now?

Kitty - I wouldn't go just because of the wanky fancy dress let alone all the other reasons.

One of the fantastic things about hitting 40 is that I do not give flying fuck about what people (non friends / family) think of me. I absolutely feel no guilt over saying "you know what I can't make it, hope it goes well but I'm sure you understand it's your special night and there's too much unresolved between me and ex. I'd hate for that to hang over your important night" and then do not budge or concede anything. As for your DH. Well words fail me.

They have all shown a casual disregard for you. You DH, the ex, the Bride.

Do not sweat over this. Spas are shit, fancy dress is grim and the Ex, Bridezilla are welcome to get drunk and applaud themselves without you as an audience.

I'm guessing this has dragged up a lot of issues. I'm sorry for that.

Ruprekt Sun 12-Jan-14 10:08:55

Sauce....I agree with you!

I was not going when I read the fancy dress bit! gringringringrin

Ugh! Anyone over 15 in fancy dress is just wrong!

I too, do not care what others think and do not do things to placate others.

Am glad you said No.

Stay strong and do not be swayed ((and possibly get rid of your very unsupportive Husband))

YouTheCat Sun 12-Jan-14 10:10:13

I don't see why you'd bother going anyway. I'd give the 'happy couple' about 2 years before it all goes tits up.

This ex/ow sounds nasty and I can't see why she was invited.

I am also normally in the camp you said yes you can't bail. But with plat try if notice and valid reasons you have nothing to feel awkward about.

And if DH is smarting over deposit money tell him to start a thread in AIBU - we're here to help with these life quandaries grin

Sorry - plenty of notice

KittyLane1 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:09:01

Part of me does believe dh because when I confronted him he seemed genuinely shocked and upset. I knew him for a year before we got together and we have been together 6 years, cheating would be out of character for him. Plus the ex once lied about being sexually assaulted when drunk (he admitted she lied) so it would not be out of character for her to lie to cause trouble. However the texts speak for themselves.

Dh has suddenly become very supportive of me not going and has made a big effort to make me feel good. Compliments, a massage, ran me a nice bath etc.

I think the bride just invited everyone she knows to be honest

KittyLane1 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:10:09

She admitted she lied about the assault*
The assault had nothing to do with dh, different guy

plantsitter Sun 12-Jan-14 11:16:00

I recently didn't attend something that was going to make me feel shit for different reasons.

How often do you get to go out and spend loads of money on having fun on your own? presumably hardly ever. Plan something else that you can actually look forward to rather than dread. You don't need to prove yourself, you need to look after yourself and that meansspending free time and money on things that will build you up not test your strength.

Well done for not going.

diddl Sun 12-Jan-14 11:21:55

You don't want to go & it seems you won't.

But if there was no cheating & you believe that, then why would you let her being there stop you if you did want to go?

Now I'd be suspicious of his turnaround!

piratecat Sun 12-Jan-14 11:30:04

did you not think when you accepted the invite that she might well be invited too?

is she a good friend of the bride to be?

KittyLane1 Sun 12-Jan-14 12:03:51

No she is not a good friend of the bride, more of an old school mate of the groom.

I accepted in July, found out yesterday that ex was going

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