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Seething about money argument with DH (maternity leave related)

(172 Posts)
VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:38:35

AIBU? I thought not but he did raise a point about my inability to save money which is making me question myself.

I have a 6 m Ds and have been lucky enough to be on a fairly good maternity package which has paid me three quarters of my salary for the first 7 months. In these months I have enjoyed myself and although dramatic cut backs have been made, I wanted to enjoy myself and have not saved any money for the final 4-5 months. I haven't spent much on clothes ( a few bits from h&m, a couple of pairs of shoes and some nursing bras), 0 holidays and of course no nights out! The money I've spent (after bills) has gone on Ds's stuff, regular coffees with friends, and my downfall, naice food as we both love cooking!

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months. This is something we discussed pre-baby. He went off on a rant about my excessive spending and how there seems to be a package delivered to our door daily. He basically told me off for not scrimping and living on the breadline for the duration of mat leave. He never seemed to have a problem with this before I asked him to contribute. hmm

What really hurts is that this time last year he was barely working due to long term illness and I payed all the rent and bills for about 3 months and continued paying the bills till my due date. He is now back on his feet and earning a decent salary (a little less than mine). I assumed that naturally he would want to pay me back during mat leave but it seems he doesn't think so.

(We have always had separate accounts).

Sorry for long post.

hercules1 Fri 10-Jan-14 09:40:18

Yanbu.

lilyaldrin Fri 10-Jan-14 09:41:26

Does he have money to enjoy himself/spend on himself?

If he's expecting you to take the financial impact of having a baby then HIBU

If he is having to scrimp and save to pay the bills while you enjoy yourself then YABU

Santabroughtmethis Fri 10-Jan-14 09:41:43

YANBU.

Jeezo, my other half paid all my share for 6m and didn't question once what I was spending my mat leave pay on good job too

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:43:59

He has money to spend on things he enjoys -beer and weed-. He does not pay for any of Ds's stuff (nappies etc). The child benefit is payed into my account for this reason.

2beornot Fri 10-Jan-14 09:44:06

How have his finances been affected by becoming a father? If you've been bearing the brunt of this then YANBU to expect him to contribute. (Although you're also a fool for going along with it so far)

Why is he not paying for his child? what does he pay for?

Fudgeface123 Fri 10-Jan-14 09:45:52

Weed? Sounds like a nice environment for baby!

LibraryBook Fri 10-Jan-14 09:46:18

He doesn't sound very nice.

Your son is a joint enterprise and he should be paying his fair share. It's fair enough that you don't share finances if that suits you both. But you need him to contribute as your are bearing ALL of the financial responsibility for your child. I would work out how much a nanny costs and charge him half that cost, backdated to the day he went back to work after his paternity leave. Plus half the cost of the clobber, nappies, food etc on an ongoing basis from birth.

Good luck and congrats on the birth of your baby.

MsVestibule Fri 10-Jan-14 09:46:27

What was his response when you brought up the fact that you supported him for 3 months last year? Does he feel you've spent too much money on unnecessary stuff for DS?

DH and I have always pooled money, (but still had the same amount of discretionary spends each) so I find it difficult to work out what's fair and what's not in your type of situation. I just know it's not right that the one on maternity leave makes all the financial sacrifices. Perhaps you could give him a bill for his share of the childcare you've done over the last 7 months?!

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:47:42

2beornot good point I feel like a fool!
His finances have not been affected by fatherhood but he did have another bout of ill health recently so was not working as much.. He is back on his feet financially now.

Santabroughtmethis Fri 10-Jan-14 09:47:57

Beer and weed? Seriously?

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Fri 10-Jan-14 09:48:36

I don't understand the concept of being a married couple and having 'your' rent' and 'his rent.'
Afaic, everything goes in a pool and is used to pay bills/rent/leisure/clothes for everybody.
As the main carer for your DS, and the person presumably currently responsible for buying food, household stuff etc,you will inevitably be also responsible for the bulk of outgoings. Doesn't mean you're a spendthrift.
Did you discuss how things would work financially before going on mat leave?

MsVestibule Fri 10-Jan-14 09:49:03

Fudgeface123 That's what I always think. Or perhaps everybody apart from my close friends and I smoke it and I'm just really out of touch confused.

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:50:35

Weed smoking is strictly outside! I've made my peace with that vice!
I think he does think I've bought to much for Ds. We could have got by with all the second hand bits but I couldn't resist buying a few bits for him. I do love shopping.

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 10-Jan-14 09:51:31

I don't understand how you can share a home and a child with someone but not share money, sorry.

I know there are lots of different ways that families manage their finances, but I would find this a very strange way to live when you have a child. Child benefit is minimal and there's no way it will cover all the expenses of raising a child, including housing, heating, food, clothes, nursery, school trips, gifts for friends' birthdays, extra curricular activities, haircuts, holidays....the list goes on.

How on earth do you decide who pays for any of that if your finances are separate? I'm a firm believer that once you have children all money is family money, to be spent on the essentials. Whatever is left should be shared equally to allow both parents some personal expenditure and to allow for extras for the child/ren. If your h chooses to spend his share on beer and weed so be it, but this should be after everything for the family and DCs has been accounted for.

Now seems as good a time as any to start a discussion about your future finances.

SoonToBeSix Fri 10-Jan-14 09:51:35

The problem is the separate accounts. You are a family have a joint and both withdraw the same amount for "fun" spending the rest goes on bills your ds etc.

SoonToBeSix Fri 10-Jan-14 09:51:55

Joint account

Hopasholic Fri 10-Jan-14 09:52:16

How much is his weed habit costing him? < this would be a massive problem to me. The cost/the smell/the implications both health wise to the baby and having a stoned partner who is unlikely to be of any use at night.

Why is it 'your' rent? Do you mean your share of the rent? What has changed for him financially since you had the baby?

fay144 Fri 10-Jan-14 09:53:14

If you are spending a lot of your money on stuff for your son and food, surely that's joint spending, rather than your personal stuff anyway?

Have you had more spare cash for things that are just for you (clothes, coffees, etc) in the past 6 months then he has? If so, then I can see why he'd think that was unfair.

If you've had the same as him, then he is being totally unreasonable.

I think you have both been a bit daft in not sitting down and working this all out in more detail before your maternity leave started though.

DontmindifIdo Fri 10-Jan-14 09:53:39

I am always astonded these conversations aren't had when you're still pregnant and have time to save if that's going ot be needed to cover the gap.

OP, in your shoes, I'd offer to go back ot work, cover your 'share' of all the bills, but then tell him what 50% of the nursery cost he will have to pay will be, and ask him if he wants to do the drop off or pick up. Or would he like to take over your next few months of mat leave as he's entitled to do now and you'll return to work.

But more sensibly, perhaps now you have a DC together, it's worth looking at all income as family money? You can still keep a degree of separation if you want with a joint account for bills, food, DS related costs into which you both pay a share based on what you agree is fair and will leave you with roughly the same disposable income. Remember, child related costs are equally his, and it should be a joint decision regarding being SAHM/reduced hours to cover childcare as the joint income will be falling.

Ask what he would like to do now. (I'd also be tempted to ask what he thought would happen when your enhanced package ran out, did he not think the family inocme dropping dramatically would have any effect on him?)

spending money on weed and having a go at you for buying actual legal stuff hmm is disgusting really. I hate weed and 'stoners' though which maybe clouds my judgement somewhat.

Hopasholic Fri 10-Jan-14 09:53:52

It doesn't matter that he's smoking it outside. Do some reading OP.

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:54:12

Good point everyone. I think it's time for a joint account. I was put off before as I didn't want him dictating the way I spend money.

He is a skinflint and I enjoy spending (neither of us have any debt or loans).

frenchfancy Fri 10-Jan-14 09:54:47

If he won't pay "your" rent then I suggest you bill him for his share of the child care you have been doing for the past 6 months.

MrsArthurWellesley Fri 10-Jan-14 09:55:00

I was all ready to say YABU then I read that he's not covering any baby expenses.

don't get me started on the weed smoking

Mamafratelli Fri 10-Jan-14 09:55:49

Uh oh. All of our money is pooled so no experience but he is being a complete and utter idiot.

WilsonFrickett Fri 10-Jan-14 09:56:21

I think there is one of two scenarios going on here:

1) OP has spent excessively and having had some time off for ill health her P is aware that it would have been wiser to not spend so much.

2) P is a pissed-up stoner who is petrified about losing any of his drugs budget.

Of course there's always a 3) which is likely to be somewhere in the middle of that...

Lj8893 Fri 10-Jan-14 09:58:29

Wtf?? I don't get the whole her money, his money thing.

Me and dp have separate accounts but things come out of both of them, depending on who has money at the time. If I haven't got any money but am going out, dp gives me the money, and vice versa.

Just bizarre not to do that IMO.

Xenadog Fri 10-Jan-14 09:59:19

What a horrible man!

Seriously he needs to step up to the mark as a father and a husband. Has he considered that maybe he wouldn't have health issues if his lifestyle was better as well?

My Mat leave is rubbish but DP has said once I go down to stat mat he will pay my share of all household bills (we both put into a "pot") and my car loan which is totally separate. He also paid off a personal loan I had before I began mat leave to free up any money I do have coming in.

This is what a kind and loving man does - he steps up to the mark to look after his child and the mother of his child. Your "D"H sounds like a poor excuse for a man.

So, how much is a regular weed habit and a fair amount of beer these days?

Similar in cost to a couple of coffees a week in Costa?

You need a joint account and he needs to man up and become a responsible father.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 10-Jan-14 09:59:59

I agree with the others. He's your husband and your son's father their should be no question of his money and yours when it comes to essentials like rent it should be pooled. He would not be unreasonable to ask you to cut back on non essential stuff for DS if you spend a lot in this respect if money were pooled but other than that he is way out of order.

does he smoke a lot of weed? maybe it's affected his brain. I'm not being ott, I used to live with a weed 'addict' (i know it's not physically addictive but psychologically, i think it can be) and it was the cause of many a problem.

JeanSeberg Fri 10-Jan-14 10:01:44

Tell us about the weed smoking, OP.

On the positive side for you - you may get a little extra than SMP for the first month - you should get a tax rebate. That may be worth setting aside if you can.

MsVestibule Fri 10-Jan-14 10:02:26

If you're a spendthrift, I can see why you wouldn't want him to have control over your spending, but if you have your own 'spends' this isn't an issue. Here's how it works for us:
- All income (inc. child benefit) goes into the joint account. All joint expenses, e.g. mortgage, bills, holidays, car costs, petrol, food shopping, children's clothes and expenses, childcare, come out of this.
- Out of this account, we have set up a SO for the same amount to our own accounts. We can spend this however we like.

Would that work for you? Or would your DH feel you'd still be buying too much for your DS out of the joint account?

redskyatnight Fri 10-Jan-14 10:02:50

How much is your actual income compared to his though?
And how do you normally split bills? Is it 50/50 or some proportion of income? An arrangement you often see on MN is that both partner have equal "spare" money after bills.

If you split bills 50/50 but you normally earn more than him so generally have more disposable income, I can sort of see his point.

But basically you need to agree a "fair" method of splitting income between you.

LessMissAbs Fri 10-Jan-14 10:03:27

YANBU. He "created" half the baby, wastes money himself on drink and drugs and you covered him during a period of unemployment. He is being seriously unfair.

MrsOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 10:04:27

what's all this 'my rent' rubbish - you're a couple with a child, it's 'our rent' surely? He doesn't buy anything for the baby - not even essentials like nappies, clothes, general kit? But he'\s got plenty to spend on beer and weed? Jeez, I couldn't give a shit about him smoking weed in the garden, but not at the expense (literally, it sounds like) of your (plural) child.

I was self employed when I had DD, so I got maternity allowance (same at SMP) for 9 months but DH was paying all our mortgage, bills etc, and carried on doing so for quite some time.

You're a couple, a family. Sounds like he doesn't want to acknowledge that life has changed for him - well, tough shit mate, it has!

Out of interest, how old are you/he, and was this a planned baby?

thegreylady Fri 10-Jan-14 10:05:55

I can't get over the casual acceptance of the cannabis! It sounds very sleazy to me. He must have a dealer and furtive transactions . I'd be worried about that with a baby tbh.

fay144 Fri 10-Jan-14 10:08:34

I understand why you would be reluctant to joint up the money totally, if you think he will criticise your spending.

What I did is keep our separate accounts, that our wages go into. And also separate savings accounts, for saving for things like xmas presents and big personal items. We have a joint account, that bills come out of. And a joint savings account, for things like holidays, house repairs, car, baby stuff, etc.

We sat down and decided how much spending money we each needed to keep in our personal accounts each month (completely unaccountable to the other). And then set up standing orders into the joint bill account to cover joint spending, with the remainder going into savings.

We transfer enough into the bills account to cover food, petrol, etc (when the baby gets here, it will also cover all baby stuff). So what is left in my personal account is mine to do what I want with.

LittleThorinOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 10:08:56

Joint account, with you both being left the same amount of spending money.

So if you have 1000 in and him 2000 he pays twice as much.

You need this sorted. Who is going to cover DS expenses over the long term?

He has basically pissed on his chips with you as far as I am concerned. Get it all on a spreadsheet and ask for a sit down official chat.

Dickhead.

givemeaclue Fri 10-Jan-14 10:09:58

All money should be pooled

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 10:12:07

So the weed, he smokes everyday in the evening to unwind and yes it does impact on what he can do post 6 pm. I don't know how much he spends on it. I have asked to see the receipts grin

Tonight I will bring up the joint acc issue. To be fair this has been my choice to keep finances separate because he will insist on buying the minimal and cheapest of most things whereas I love mixing it up. I get a kick from a poundshop bargain as much as I enjoy buying tasty bits from a fancy deli!

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 10:13:04

I guess I earn a little more than him so it would be me bringing in 60% of income.

cls77 Fri 10-Jan-14 10:14:10

I was with a weed smoker, a new baby and a business and we never had a joint account either. 10 years later he is now my ex and i am left with a lovely debt that I accumulated trying to pay for all of the bills myself, because I didnt want to upset him hmm I am cls and I am a total mug
You still have time to sort this out OP smile

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 10-Jan-14 10:14:24

I'm normally quite a fierce advocate of separate finances but they only work when they are fair.

He should be paying half towards DD's expenses

every day? sorry but that's disgraceful, he needs to grow up. I don't care what people think about weed, when you've lived with someone who thinks they need it to function, you can understand why it's illegal.

JeanSeberg Fri 10-Jan-14 10:16:44

The finances are the least of your problems if he can't do anything after 6pm because he's stoned.

Was this never discussed before you got pregnant?

MrsOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 10:18:05

well, if the weed is rendering him even more useless, then that needs addressing. DH used to be a big weed smoker, but that was pre-baby, he gets the occasional stash these days but doesn't get started on it until DD is bathed and in bed - I wouldn't generally crack open the wine before DD's in bed, precisely because it's all hands on deck then.

Fairylea Fri 10-Jan-14 10:18:22

Joint account. Equal spending money. No weed.

Anything else is bollocks.

Viviennemary Fri 10-Jan-14 10:27:27

It doesn't sound like any sort of partnership to me. I just don't think I would like to live in this kind of set-up. But even if you have a joint account when salaries are cut for one reason or another both of you have to cut back. So you both should have been financially planning as to what would happen when your salary was reduced at the end of your leave. But I can see why you are annoyed when you supported him before.

DontmindifIdo Fri 10-Jan-14 10:28:24

erm, if you earn 60% of the money, you might be better off discussing him taking over some of your mat leave and you going back to work, however if he's smoking weed every day and doesn't do any childcare currently, you might not consider him to be safe to be incharge of the baby.

I would suggest you have a joint account and keep separate accounts, you both put in money to cover bills, the remainder (which should be about equal) is your own to live off, but have your wage paid into your own account and his into his. You agree how much your food budget is a week and clothes/activities for DS per month.

Personally, I'd be really angry about the weed smoking - it wouldn't be acceptable for him to roll in drunk every night, wasting money and meaning he can avoid having to do anything around the house, and distroying his health. He honestly seems to be bringing very little to the table, long term, if you are always the one to cope/hold things together, one day you'll wake up and realise you might rather just carry on without him and your life would be exactly the same or better.

We have a joint account that covers bills, a joint savings account to cover yearly bills and the remainder is split equally into our own current accounts.

Normally I'd agree with others and say you need a joint account but in this situation I'd be worried about sharing an account with a twat someone who prioritises beer and weed over their own child's expenses. Are you really sure he wouldn't spend from the joint account on those things and leave you short?

I think you need to spell out to him all the expenses for your ds and tell him that you are both responsible for those costs and he needs to start to contribute.

LittleThorinOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 11:21:55

Only I have a card to our joint account.

PicardyThird Fri 10-Jan-14 11:25:04

I wouldn't be with someone who thought it was OK to be a parent and use illegal drugs. I'm really not sure why you're tolerating it and posting grins about it.

How on earth do you live with him spending his evenings stoned?

As for the money thing, I'm another who can't understand couples living together with children and having separate finances.

Fairylea summed it up perfectly for me.

domoarigato Fri 10-Jan-14 11:34:54

Is weed socially acceptable now or something. Good grief!

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 11:48:13

Weed is very socially acceptable in some circles, yes, but that doesn't mean it's ok to get wasted every night and abdicate any responsibility for childcare. He must absolutely stink of the stuff. He could at least bake it instead of smoking it so there's no worry for DSs lungs! I agree with most other posters that this is a bigger problem than his attitude to the finances- although if he smokes all evening every evening and likes to drink a lot too, that won't come cheap.

It does sound like it's possible that OP hasn't spend particularly wisely and would have been better off saving, but at the same time he ought to have been making either a 40% or 50% contribution to baby expenses, depending on your view. More than zero anyway! If there is to be belt tightening, both partners have equal responsibility for this. Funding parental leave is also a joint responsibility, subject obviously to being healthy enough to work. If both parties are earning, it shouldn't be just one who makes the sacrifices.

I agree with crafty about keeping your money separate from his, and actually even though you are the higher earner I don't know that I'd trust him to care for a child full time.

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 11:53:30

Saying all that, is he using the cannabis recreationally or for pain relief? It's just you mention a long term illness and it isn't unknown for people with some conditions to find that cannabis is the best way to ease the pain. Obviously he would still have the same obligation to make cutbacks as you though OP, and that wouldn't excuse either the booze spending or the apparent belief that he has no responsibility to fund ML.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 10-Jan-14 11:56:49

So he opts out of contributing towards his child and spends his evenings smoking weed. He sounds like a right catch.

I'm not sure what the smiley faces are about OP.

domoarigato Fri 10-Jan-14 12:03:36

Is weed socially acceptable now or something. Good grief!

Chippednailvarnish Fri 10-Jan-14 12:12:23

You sound like you are made for each other.

Blondeorbrunette Fri 10-Jan-14 12:14:32

By your own admission you have enjoyed yourself. I think if you were on a good maternity package and you knew it wasn't going to last for the whole of your maternity leave then you are being unreasonable.

What did you discuss/agree before you went on ml re bills, rent etc?

I wouldn't be happy if someone "mentioned" to me that soon I was going to have to cover everything when my ml decreased.

Callani Fri 10-Jan-14 12:17:46

If you are married then there's no such thing as separate finances - everything you each have, whether savings or debts, are considered joint marital assets. That means there is no "my rent" and "your rent", there is only "our rent" and that means joint responsibilities.

I won't even start on the weed...

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 13:07:31

chunderella. It's not for pain relief but some studies do show it can be beneficial to his condition. He doesn't know this so I'm keeping that to myself!

I didn't see weed being a factor in my post hence not posting it in th OP.

I think. My issues were that I'm annoyed he hasn't really acknowledged that I helped him out and think he is in a financial position to do the same for me without bringing up spending.

stopprocrastinating Fri 10-Jan-14 13:21:41

Yanbu. I think your DH needs some counselling.

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 13:23:02

Ok, well if he's using it socially and not for pain relief, it's really unacceptable for him both to be consuming so much and to be unwilling to reduce his own expenses to cover costs. Seriously, what's going to happen when you go back to work? You get in maybe half five, six from a busy day. No chance of any rest at all in the evening because you'll be doing everything. Never a night off from the bedtime routine, because a stoned person can hardly bath a baby unsupervised.

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 13:28:55

Also if someone daily consumes enough weed to impair their ability to function after 6pm, and buys alcohol too, are they really a skinflint?Presumably he also buys papers, roaches etc also. I'd be interested to know how much his habits actually cost, particularly as compared to yours. Maybe if he only has half a spliff, supermarket lager and uses an ancient bong it might be pretty cheap. Could be a dear enough hobby, though. Do you know how much he actually spends, or has it become a truism that you're the spender and he's the frugal one?

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 13:31:38

I too think he/ we need some counselling. That's another story.

Naive as it sounds I'm hoping that he will step up when I go back to work because there is no other option. He is a decent man with a few vices and can be complacent when I'm about. However if he is left to it because I'm at work he will simply have to do it.

Hippymama Fri 10-Jan-14 13:31:59

I'm a bit shocked reading this post tbh sad

Me and my oh were in a similar sort of situation to you as for a long time I earned more than my husband and paid a larger share of the bills. We always had the same amount of "spending money" though. Now we have a son (and I'm expecting our second child) I am not working full time (I have a small wahm business) and my oh earns the bulk of our income.

When we made the decision to have a family we talked a lot about how finances would work. We have a joint account and all money goes into that. We don't have "my" money or "your" money. All money goes into the pot and we are a team. My husband recognises the fact that if I'd gone back to full time work almost all my wages would have gone on childcare and petrol so it made financial sense for me to be at home (plus we wanted that for our family anyway). He would never dream of making money an issue because we are a team and although my contribution is not financial, I am contributing enormously to our family ( as are you whilst on maternity leave, despite what your oh appears to think!)

Your oh sounds like he needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities. Getting stoned every night to the point where he is unable to look after his child is completely unacceptable and unfair on your child (and you).

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 13:35:08

* chunderella* good point. We've been together so long I take his habit for granted and don't question it.

Depending on availability he will have between one and ??? Maybe 3-4 on a work night. 3-6 lagers.

I haven't worked out a cost.

HermioneWeasley Fri 10-Jan-14 13:39:29

He sounds like a prince.

How does he enhance your life? Apart from your shared love of food he's got the munchies

Stickyfeet Fri 10-Jan-14 13:42:36

So, firstly, YANBU.

Secondly, I logged in to post what I now see others have written on this page. A joint account is not a magic solution and based on what you've told us about your DH, probably not a very good solution at all.

You need to talk to him again.

Greenmug Fri 10-Jan-14 13:47:13

You've made your peace with his weed habit because he smokes it outside? Really?

So he spends his money on beer and weed and he thinks you overspend because you buy stuff for your baby. He sounds a real catch...

hercules1 Fri 10-Jan-14 13:48:11

I think you either resign yourself to life with him and accept him as he is as he is too selfish to change. Perhaps you don't mind living and having children with a man like this.
Or you decide you and your child are worth more and make plans to Ltb.

MrsOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 13:50:28

3-4 joints and 3-6 lagers every night??? That is a lot. A Lot.

I think I asked before - how old are you both and was your child planned?

scallopsrgreat Fri 10-Jan-14 13:52:57

"I think it's time for a joint account. I was put off before as I didn't want him dictating the way I spend money." Why would he do that?

LingDiLong Fri 10-Jan-14 13:54:05

Wow. This is so depressing. For me he would have to be a hell of a lot more than 'a decent man' to make up for his complete lack of contribution to the household finances and to raising his child. He would have to be able to...nope...can't think of anything that would make up for the stuff you've described in your post. Even if he made me squirt stardust out of my fanny every time we shagged it wouldn't be enough.

SolomanDaisy Fri 10-Jan-14 13:55:54

That is a serious habit, which will be costing a fair bit. I thought you were talking about one joint a night!

MandMand Fri 10-Jan-14 13:58:31

Have you discussed with him how child are is going to be paid for once you return to work, or does he somehow expect you to pay for it all out of your wages too?

Owllady Fri 10-Jan-14 13:58:58

I think he already has a joint account by the sounds of it hmm
Yanbu

HellonHeels Fri 10-Jan-14 13:59:51

How are you going to pay for childcare once you return to work?

Please please don't say that you'll be paying for it all out of your money?

HellonHeels Fri 10-Jan-14 14:00:33

x post with MandMand!

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 14:01:25

That sounds like it could be a fairly expensive habit, then. What lagers does he drink and where from? We could look up the price. I have no idea what weed costs these days, having not touched the stuff since 2005, can anyone give us an approximate for an average sized spliff?

Not to put too fine a point on it, but he must be pretty off his face by the end of the evening. I take it this means you never get any help with night feeds, then? What about weekend mornings, is he sleeping off a bigger session?

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 14:03:24

Mrs O, we are late 20s early 30s and very much a planned child.
I agree it is a lot and I wish it was less.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 10-Jan-14 14:06:24

Blimey - what a mess. Surely all this should have been sorted and agreed upon before baby was even born?? When I was about 3 months pregnant me and my DH spent hours with our bank statements and a calculator planning on how we would deal with finances once I go off on maternity leave and how to manage costs for me to be off for a year. We have a written out plan and spreadsheets with all our incoming and outgoings detailed on it and how much of our savings we will dip into each month to cover costs etc. I know it sounds really anal but we needed to know exactly what we would be doing!!

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 14:06:32

We plan to split childcare between us as we both work shifts

Lol owllady

Fiveleaves Fri 10-Jan-14 14:08:08

He is being very tight. My partner paid all the mortgage and bills while I was on mat leave and since I am back at work only part time, pays our three days a week childcare bill. My contribution is the two days I provide! Bills and mortgage now split as they were pre baby. For the last three months when my mat pay ran out, he transferred me £300 a month, cheekily calling it 'coffee and cake' money! Are you supposed to stay in all day?! Baby classes cost money and lunch with other mums keeps you sane through mat leave.

I feel this is a normal arrangement and will expect the same with DC2 due in the summer.

Fiveleaves Fri 10-Jan-14 14:10:21

Admittedly I only got statutory mat for the whole time so couldn't afford half the mortgage and bills (would have been about same as mat pay! £500 or so...)

Mystuff Fri 10-Jan-14 14:11:35

Well I think I would go through past bills and receipts and work out how much the joint household bills and spending on ds come to.
Then I would agree with dh how we should split those essential costs between the 2 of us. Then we both contribute that sum to a joint account. The rest of each persons money is then for them to spend or save as they wish, although would be wise to set aside joint savings too.

I find it unacceptable for a parent not to be contributing for their child, I'd lose respect for him over that alone

it's unfair on your child that weed is on his dad's list of essentials. How dodgy an environment. I've made the same mistake as you before though, hopefully you and he will come to your senses eventually.

Mim78 Fri 10-Jan-14 14:14:51

Yanbu. For all the reasons others have said. His attitude has really annoyed me just reading this but can't express fully typing on phone! Xc

hercules1 Fri 10-Jan-14 14:14:57

Realistically, will he be in a fit state to do his share of childcare!

morethanpotatoprints Fri 10-Jan-14 14:18:59

I don't understand this his and hers money, if you love somebody, have a partnership you share the money surely.
It makes it far easier and no arguments.

i would consider anyone who left their dc with a man who relied on illegal drugs and that quantity of alcohol to get him through an evening to be an irresponsible parent. I'd be in no fit state after one toke and half a lager, not that I'd dream of it now. <Judgey>

MomsStiffler Fri 10-Jan-14 14:26:30

One mention of weed & everyone's in an uproar!!

With regards to spending all the Maternity Leave early, if that was factored in to pay the rent etc. then YABU to suddenly spring it on him that he's going to have to cover it....

Sounds like you both need to have a chat & pay into a joint account....

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 14:29:01

A bit of googling would suggest an average of £30 per quarter ounce in the UK, and this would yield about 12 spliffs. So 3 spliffs a night, 21 a week, that's about £50 a week on weed alone, depending how fat the joints are. Possibly with roaches and papers too. The alcohol is harder to say. If it's supermarket cans, it could just be a few pounds. If it's brand lager, Tesco are doing 20 cans of Carling for £17. So 4 a day would work out at about £22 a week, more if he isn't buying it on offer and/or is drinking the posher stuff.

So I'm thinking it's got to be £60 a week, anyway, and a decent chance it's £75. Are you really frittering away that much else yourself? Remember that even if you have bought a lot of inessential clothes for DS, he does need some, and he will also be getting some value from the two of you getting out and about. So your expenditure won't be entirely selfish, unlike his, even if you could clothe him and entertain the two of you for a bit less. It's also possible for you to resell baby clothes, particularly if they're designer type ones, and mitigate some of the costs that way. Whereas there's unlikely to be much of a market for his empty cans.

MrsOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 14:29:49

right, well, it doesn't sound very planned, and you both sound very immature (and frankly, on that much weed, I'm amazed your DP was able to father a child). All the smileys and lols, you're really diminishing what sounds like a poor environment and set-up for a child to grow up in.

I suggest you both sit down, sober, and have an adult conversation about money, childcare and everything going forward.

allmycats Fri 10-Jan-14 14:30:34

How can someone who is smoking 3-4 weed an night and having 4 lagers
ever be in a fit state to look after a child. Do you really want to be with this person ?
As said above I can't understand the 'yours/mine money business' you are a family unit it is 'family money'.
Both of you need totake a long look at yourselves and consider whether you are able to bring this child up together.

MrsOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 14:31:49

Moms - have you read the whole thread? I couldn't care less if someone likes a spliff, but this man is smoking a lot of weed, and drinking a lot, daily, which is contributing to his absolute failure to contribute to family life - he is out of action every single night from 6pm.

Stiffler fewer people are in uproar than I would have though. I wonder if you know how harmful it can be? It's as much of a concern as his double standards when it comes to spending money.

*would have thought.

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 14:34:03

It's the alcohol too Stifler. Neither DH nor I is teetotal, but I would be really unhappy with a co-parent who had a 4 pack every night. Particularly if they were then complaining about money. I don't particularly differentiate between weed and alcohol in this respect, they're both expensive luxuries that impair your ability to do anything remotely useful if you have enough of them (and this bloke probably is). Although obviously the weed is likely to be more expensive and may harm DS's health too, as it's being smoked. I say this as someone who has experience both of using cannabis recreationally and of being parented by a drunk person.

BettyBoo246 Fri 10-Jan-14 14:39:40

YANBU money wise - it should be give and take in a relationship, you helped him out and now he should help you and his ds

However YABU parent wise!! Seriously you can't let your dp smoke weed round your baby, it's a drug, it's illegal, it will effect your poor baby's lungs etc etc and not to mention if social services find out you will have your precious ds taken off you!
What if god forbid something happens to ds at night and you have to rush him to hospital, your dp will still be snoring his dopey head off!

ss wouldn't remove a child for that reason, actually. not in my experience, anyway.

BettyBoo246 Fri 10-Jan-14 14:48:10

Yeah maybe not, but still I could not sit there night after night with my dp knowing he was off his tits!
And when your ds is older and daddy's still smoking the rancid stuff what sort of role model will he be? Completely selfish!

i agree betty it's just it's not much of a concern for the authorities generally.

BettyBoo246 Fri 10-Jan-14 14:55:43

I think op needs to change her post to aibu to let my dp take drugs around our ds!
Maybe if your dp wasn't stoned every night and of sound mind he might see your point about the money!

HoleyGhost Fri 10-Jan-14 14:57:31

How can you rely on him for childcare while you work when he is not prepared to change his habits and contributes sod all to his family?

Opposing shifts is a tough way to sort childcare at the best of times. You won't get downtime. Do you really see him making the sacrifices involved ?

bella411 Fri 10-Jan-14 15:02:26

Joint account isn't always the answer, and it's our money not his and hers doesn't always work either.

From working in a bank and particularly collections, joint account can be bad in a marriage/relationship ends or one person is bad with money.

I do think you and your partner need to talk openly about money and potentially do a spreadsheet and work out whilst on the end of your maternity what the fairest way would be to pay the bills etc.

In my relationship, my partner moved in with me into my mortgaged house. Fortunately we earn roughly the same, I ask him for a set amount each month which covers monthly bills, annual bills and savings. My dd's Ctc and chb is separate money and is either saved for dd or used for clubs, days out etc. The remainder of the wages is ours to spend how we please. This is where I would hate the it's our money situation and feel bad if want to buy myself clothes, lunch out, I'd feel like I need to ask. Though I know not all people who pool money are like this. I do mostly buy dd's clothes myself if out and about. But if a new size clothes /season partner would go half.

In essence you don't have to pool money to be successful, but I do think you and your partner do nee d to discuss finances in detail. As I would still expect the rent to be one direct debit or standing order not 1 for half to go from each of your accounts.

starfishmummy Fri 10-Jan-14 16:25:52

I am still on page one and totally stunned by a couple.who are.committed enough to have a child together having "his rent" and "her rent".
I am surprised the baby doesn't have a share of rent to pay as well.

chalchalchal Fri 10-Jan-14 18:11:17

He sounds like a total and utter waster and to be honest his behaviour would repulse me. I couldn't be with someone like that.

A friend's ex was the same; he had a real sense of entitlement about his 'drugs money' each month (£300+ per month even though they were skint!), and used to get very nasty if he couldn't buy his weed and trips.

I think the money thing is the least of your worries in the long run, OP. I'd be looking to get out of the relationship based on the weed smoking alone.

ukatlast Fri 10-Jan-14 19:46:54

I am an advocate of totally joint finances usually but if your partner has a drug habit, I think you would be safer to only share the household expenses with him in a joint account so that he pays in a fair share and you keep control of the balance of your earnings, not to spend them but to prevent them funding his drugs, should things take a turn for the worse.

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 20:08:00

Chalchal it sounds like the DP in this case is spending around that himself. £70 a week is about £300 a month, and clearly paying more of the household expenses would cut into this. So I think the situations are quite similar.

PurpleSprout Fri 10-Jan-14 23:51:41

He sounds unsupportive OP and I'm not surprised to be honest, if you feel like treating yourself when you're stuck at home and landed with a zombie post-6pm.

There are a lot of anti-weed people on here, some with very good reasons. I'm not one of them, in principle at least - the only difference i see it that it's illegal whereas alcohol and tobacco are not. My experience is that most people who want to smoke weed can do so and remain functional - I'm not saying it's a positive or negative, nor do I want to get into the debate about people with underlying mental health issues - but plenty of people can and do smoke the odd spliff either little and often or on occasion.

Your DP is clearly managing to get to work, but 6-12 units of alcohol a night plus 3-4 spliffs (obvs depends how he rolls them) sounds like a party, not a weekday evening. Is this an escalation of previous behaviour? If so, I'd be wary about giving him access to more money. I'd also be wary about it escalating further.

TBF his drinking sounds potentially more worrying albeit less expensive. 3 splits might make you useless, 6 cans of lager on a weekday though, unless he's drinking 2% stuff? Be honest is it usually 3 (heavy but maybe functional) or 6 (is he legal to drive in the morning).

Either way, he ought to be able to can it & help until after bedtime. That still gives him a good few hours to have a couple of beers and spliff ones DC is in bed if you're all comfortable with that. The fact he won't even do that suggests he's either ridiculously selfish or has a problem with one or other vice.

BTW if he's also a tobacco user (assuming so since you said joints) and you are not, that's also 'fun' money out the family pot, addiction or not IMO.

differentnameforthis Sat 11-Jan-14 01:51:14

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months.

YOUR rent? Do you not live together? If you do, surely it is joint rent, so he would be paying for the roof over your heads?

I don't know if I could live with someone who paid nothing towards his childs upbringing!

differentnameforthis Sat 11-Jan-14 01:56:35

We plan to split childcare between us as we both work shifts

I would feel uneasy about leaving my child with someone who smokes & drinks that much each night, tbh! Not to mention someone who doesn't think his money needs to go towards living/raising a baby expenses.

chalchalchal Sat 11-Jan-14 13:37:52

^^ I agree with the points that differentnameforthis has made above.

There is no way in the world I'd leave my baby with someone who was constantly drinking alcohol and smoking weed. If he's out for the count by 6pm each night what on earth is he going to do if the baby wakes up or won't settle, and you're at work during the evening?

Toecheese Sat 11-Jan-14 15:31:38

It sounds to me like you have been buying lots for DS. Can you tot it all up and work out how much. Can you keep a track of your spending. He also needs to keep a track of his spending. Then review after a month or so.

VodkaMargarine Sat 11-Jan-14 16:12:55

Thanks for all the replies. I never considered separate accounts were such an oddity in a marriage. I will be making sure a joint account is opened next week.

mrsoakenshield I think you have really got a bad opinion of me. The smileys and the lol (first and last time I've ever used that abbreviation!) we're my feeble attempt at gallows humour. I understand the situation is serious and I've sought help and advice for Dh's 'hobbies' under another name last year.

I am bending over backwards to make sure Ds has a safe and stable environment in which to grow. I do not drink, smoke or take drugs and my life, as any new parent's, is devoted to bringing him up to the best of my abilities.

LIZS Sat 11-Jan-14 16:26:00

Seems a bit one sided tbh . If you plan to work opposing shifts and he is home by 6 are you doing evenings? If he is on drugs and an alcoholic (ie. relies on the lager to wind down) then he won't be fit to look after your child. If so he simply can't smoke/drink. He does understand this , doesn't he ? You not indulging isn't going to be enough when he has one to one care . Has he had you ds for long periods on his on until now ? What about when he is older and needs taking out to groups to occupy and socialise him .

Chunderella Sat 11-Jan-14 16:27:10

Separate accounts aren't an oddity in a marriage, you've just had a few people saying that on this thread. They're very common. Have you worked out yet whether you're actually spending any more than DH? I do think you need to get past the idea of you spendthrift, him skinflint when you talk about budgeting, because he's dropping £300 a month on weed and alcohol and you'd be going some to be doing the same in inessential spending (ie unnecessary clothing for DS, not all clothing).

I do also think you need to discuss what's going to happen with him doing childcare during times when you're at work. Presumably he won't be going outside to smoke when he's in sole care of DD because that will involve leaving her. So is he going to just stick to alcohol when he's looking after her? he will also need to stay sober enough to be able to take her to access emergency medical treatment if necessary. Has this been agreed? I don't say this to harp on, it's just I've a lot of experience of being in the care of someone who is very much under the influence. You really do need to work this out. I don't think that either alcohol or cannabis use are incompatible with parenting a baby (for some people, anyway) but it needs to be done in a responsible way.

Chunderella Sat 11-Jan-14 16:28:31

cross post

bella411 Sat 11-Jan-14 16:40:35

Im unsure how a joint bank account will solve the problem here.

But if do you get a joint account, I'd have it just for bills and no overdraft (or a very very small one at best)!

Think discussion about the weed, him finding alternate ways to wind down after and him bein a proper carer for your dc and finances is very much needed.

JeanSeberg Sat 11-Jan-14 16:45:18

Do not get a joint account with this man.

Andanotherthing123 Sat 11-Jan-14 16:45:27

Please don't leave your baby with DP if he is drinking and or smoking weed. I think you need to sort out alternative childcare for your DS if DP isn't able to commit to not smoking/drinking when in sole charge of the baby.

DH and I don't have a joint account, we have a spreadsheet detailing our expenditure and he pays a sum each month to me so we split costs 50/50. I do all bills admin as he does the cooking and it works fine. But I do think the bills issue is secondary to the being stoned every night from 6pm and drinking.

ChatNicknameUnavailable Sat 11-Jan-14 16:51:16

Seperate accounts are not an oddity. We have separate accounts. But we also share money.

If something happened to my salary, such as being reduced due to maternity leave, sick, unemployment etc, DH would just...pay the rent. We'd both tighten our belts and His wages would just be used to cover all outgoings until I was earning again and we were more comfortable.

The thought of asking df if he would 'mind' covering our family expenses is laughable...I think he'd look at me like I was a lunatic.

I don't get how you can be in a relationship, share a home, share children, but keep such stringently separate finances. Not a bit.

ImperialBlether Sat 11-Jan-14 16:53:57

I really wouldn't advise you to get a joint account with him. I think there'll come a time when you'll be glad you kept them separate.

Basically, he's a very selfish man, isn't he? He expects you to pay for everything when he can't yet is angry with you when you expect the same courtesy.

Who the hell are these entitled men? Where are they all coming from? How can any self-respecting woman want to go near them?

VodkaMargarine Sat 11-Jan-14 17:39:43

We have discussed his habits not being particularly compatible with child care and he will cut down on both when in charge of Ds. Although he's coming across as a dock ish man child he really does love Ds and can recognise when he is or is not fit to care for him. I am confident that on his own with him in the evening he would neither drink to excess or smoke more than one spliff. This may sound like one too many to lots of posters but he is still alert and capable after this many. I think it's more that he knows that he can coast along when I'm there and will hopefully step up to the mark when I'm not.
We have a small garden that he uses.

VodkaMargarine Sat 11-Jan-14 17:41:30

Dickish man!

Chippednailvarnish Sat 11-Jan-14 17:52:12

I am confident that on his own with him in the evening he would neither drink to excess or smoke more than one spliff

Shame on you to even be considering leaving a child with him.

LIZS Sat 11-Jan-14 17:54:59

I am confident that on his own with him in the evening he would neither drink to excess or smoke more than one spliff

Not good enough I'm afraid. If , heaven forbid, something occurred that meant ds was injured or there was an emergency I don't think police or ss would be so lenient.

bella411 Sat 11-Jan-14 17:55:02

Sorry I would want zero weed when Dp was in sole charge and one beer max, preferably none, if he's in charge!

On days when you are both there if he wants to get stoned and drunk that is the time to do it.

bella411 Sat 11-Jan-14 17:55:56

Sorry I would want zero weed when Dp was in sole charge and one beer max, preferably none, if he's in charge!

On days when you are both there if he wants to get stoned and drunk that is the time to do it.

bella411 Sat 11-Jan-14 17:55:57

Sorry I would want zero weed when Dp was in sole charge and one beer max, preferably none, if he's in charge!

On days when you are both there if he wants to get stoned and drunk that is the time to do it.

AllThatGlistens Sat 11-Jan-14 17:57:40

Oh dear God. I don't know if you're naive or simply ground down but cannabis and drinking every night?

I'd be making some pretty big changes before going back to work.

sykadelic15 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:02:42

On the joint account front.... while DH and I are on each others accounts, we do have separate accounts. His parents do as well because his mum is a spendthrift and his dad isn't.

DH pays almost all the bills with "his" money. I buy groceries and pay for medical bills, car insurance and registration as well as a few other things along the way. I also try and save as much as possible but consider that "our" savings except when I need it to pay a big "extra" bill. Then I just take it out and use it.

We've been married over 4 years and it's always been like that. We can survive on DH's salary alone which is the best way to live imo. The only issue right now is the medical bills would make it much tighter on him (but if I didn't have a job we could apply for help with those).

NigellasDealer Sat 11-Jan-14 18:04:41

that is a lot of weed and a lot of beer every night what if there was an emergency? he would be useless! and i am v open minded about the odd spliff.

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:05:11

If you asked a SW whether whether him cutting down a bit on the illegal drugs and alcohol he consumes while in sole care of a baby, what do you think they would say?

You are so used to living with a stoner that I think you have forgotten what normal people are like.

MrsWilliamBodie Sat 11-Jan-14 18:05:27

This man is a selfish, self-absorbed user.

Would you leave your child in the care of a childminder or nursery where the staff were drinking and smoking weed?

Good grief, OP, do you really think that this is a normal life you are leading?

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:06:19

Sorry that should be

If you asked a SW whether whether him cutting down a bit on the illegal drugs and alcohol he consumes while in sole care of a baby is ok

NicknameIncomplete Sat 11-Jan-14 18:16:33

I am going to be harsh but i think your child needs someone to be.

Why the fuck would you CHOOSE to have a baby with an alcoholic drug addict.

I have seen the affects cannabis can do to someone and there is no way i would have a child with someone who smoked it once every 5 years nevermind everyday.

I dont think a joint account is the answer. He isnt going to pay into the joint account as he is spending his money on himself as that is what is important to him.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 11-Jan-14 18:17:50

Your not being harsh Nick you're right.

VodkaMargarine Sat 11-Jan-14 18:19:08

I don't think I've got anything else to add. I might get some counselling for myself as I do seem to hold a different view to most posters. If its not a normal life I'm leading I need to realise and deal with that!

The SW's I've met (through my career, not personally), have always been dealing with horror homes, not this sort of environment. I know it's not ideal but the comments are a little extreme.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 11-Jan-14 18:19:49

The only extreme is you.

foreverondiet Sat 11-Jan-14 18:23:38

I find it mad that people agree to have babies without discussing how to share money when on maternity leave! We share money so salaries into joint account etc so this wasn't relevant really. But I only took 6 months off each time as couldn't afford longer without cut backs, basically we discussed together how we would manage on less money up front.

I think you were a bit unreasonable not to discuss in advance, esp as you had generous package. But he is also being unreasonable now as he should have said he wasn't prepared to cover your share of rent so you would have known to either be more careful or go back to work earlier.

Difficult. Perhaps call his bluff and say you have to go back to work earlier and you can't afford rent due to cost of childcare? Or is going to say you have to cover that as well as your share of the rent shock

LIZS Sat 11-Jan-14 18:25:17

but the horror homes are those where no one is able to control the circumstances , you have that chance . Your ds cannot choose who he is left with and in what circumstances , you have to do that on his behalf and take responsibility for the consequences.

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:39:37

It isnt extreme at all.

Just because your situation isnt as bad doesnt mean it is good. A drug addict who drinks too much is still a drug addict who drinks too much whether he is living on a park bench in filthy clothes and begging for Special Brew money, or living in a 4 bed home with a good job. And neither is an appropriate carer for a child.

ChippingInWadesIn Sat 11-Jan-14 18:40:59

Vodka - for me the most shocking part of all of this is that you planned having a baby with him. I don't get it. He drinks to excess, he smokes a lot of weed every night, he's selfish and has a horrible attitude. Why oh why? If you were my friend or DD I'd be really upset. I'm only saying this because you said that if your situation wasn't 'normal' then you'd get help and I hope to help show you that you should x

Anyway, you now have a lovely DS - so it's not all bad smile

However, there are things that have to change. Only you know your DH and if he will 'man up' or not, but tbh it's not looking that hopeful as he a) hasn't already and b) is acting like a twat re money for DS. << Fear of losing 'enough money' to support his vices?!

I would not be getting a joint account with him. To me, that is not the answer.

I would suggest he puts a set amount each week into your account to cover 'his share' of DS's expenses (and anything else you think he's not paying his share of) and keep your independence.

I don't understand why you think YOU should have been paying all of DS's expenses and why maternity leave is 'costing' YOU but not him?

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:52:10

Chipping has a point. Fear of losing 'enough money' to support his vices?!

He isnt a skinflint at all if he is happy to set fire to a significant amount of his income, and piss another portion up the wall. I suspect his "skinflint" tendencies are actually that he cant afford to support his addictions and buy anything but the most basic of everything.

I think you need to find out exactly how much his addictions are costing your family (and they are costing your family, because you are pulling up the slack by providing for your DS when he should be contributing). If he drink 6 lagers a night, not a premium lager, then that will be costing him about £6, every night. So £42 a week (assuming Carling, if he drinks Stella or some such then you can add another £1 per day, so almost £50 a week).

So between £40 and £50 on booze. 3 spliffs a night...I have no idea of the cost of cannabis, but I cant imagine its cheap. So lets estimate the same as the booze, another £40. Does he smoke cigarettes aswell? £7.50 per pack, 1 pack per day is over £50 a week.

A conservative estimate is £130 a week he is either pissing down the bog or setting fire to.

Not looking like such a skinflint now is he? And as you are making up the slack for his refusal to contribute to your child, he is effectively using £65 of your money every single week to support his drinking and drug taking.

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:53:16

Oh and be aware that when you ask him how much a weeks worth of dope will cost him, he will lie. You can double the amount he tells you and probably still be below what he actually spends.

CuriosityCola Sat 11-Jan-14 18:54:11

I am a firm believer in shared finances. However, I would be very wary of having a joint account with this man. If you do set one up I would have your salary paid into your own account and only use the joint account for bills to come out of. I wouldn't leave your finances open to miss use.

I think you might find it worthwhile posting in relationships.

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:55:44

Totally agree Cola

You can never never trust an addict with money.

PrivateBenjamin Sat 11-Jan-14 19:01:02

Do NOT get a joint account with him OP. He will then be able to rinse through your baby's money. Joint accounts only work when you know you're not going to get screwed over.

chalchalchal Sat 11-Jan-14 19:04:20

Taking/smoking drugs is bad enough but I cannot abide people who take drugs and make out that they're oh-so-sensible and that they can pace themselves.

Taking drugs is taking drugs. If he was a responsible partner and father he would stop.

As I said before, I would find someone like him utterly repulsive.

chalchalchal Sat 11-Jan-14 19:05:43

And I totally agree with those that say don't get a joint account with him. He'll soon be dipping into it to fund his dirty little habits, and will happily see you and your child go short of money as long as he has what he wants.

Vakant Sat 11-Jan-14 19:49:48

I have to agree with previous posters who say that the weed smoking and drinking is not normal or appropriate. And I say that as someone who used to regularly indulge in recreational drugs pre children. I still like a drink now I have children, and whilst I haven't touched drugs I wouldn't be averse to a toke on a spliff at a party if I was childless for the evening, but I haven't and wouldn't seek it out. That's "normal", not drinking and smoking excessively on a daily basis, that is addiction.

PurpleSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 22:13:25

Jesus H Christ, I know someone very week who smokes weed daily and has for years, but no more than a little. Her daughter has just got a PhD. She also smokes a bit of weed, but less than her mother.

Fucks sake people. Having a go at OP because her DP smokes weed? I don't see a weak spliff as any different from 'I'll have no more than a G&T'.

Having said all that, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could fling him OP. If he could genuinely stick to a weak spliff and no alcohol, wouldn't he do it more often to help you? If he can do it when he must that means he's not a hopeless addict, but if he can, but can't choose to do it to help you, you surely have to ask how much he values you? It would really help you if he calmed it, but he won't if you're there to pick up the slack. That's not how you treat someone you love.

MrsWilliamBodie Sat 11-Jan-14 23:06:23

The OP has a very young baby to look after, not a PhD graduate, with a DH whose weed and alcohol habit is such that it impacts on what he is capable of doing after 6pm everyday, even though they both work shifts and he will be required to be in sole charge of the young baby. This is a DH who already begrudges the money that his young family needs, all the while happily blowing money on his own 'pleasures'.

Vodka I think it would be sensible to not financially link yourself to your DH more than you already are. I hope things work out for you but, just in case, making yourself more financially independent might be wise.

Upcycled Sat 11-Jan-14 23:34:42

Hi OP

We have 1 joint acc which is savings.
But we separate the bills. Dh pay some of the bills and I pay others. He pays more because he works FT and earns more. I work PT due to choice and pay less. When I was not working DH was responsible for all the bills.
I have full access to Dh's acc and he has access to mine too, through internet banking.
Dh has similar 'hobbies' although less quantities. But when he is sole carer he does not smoke, drinks 1 can or 2 maximun and goes to bed when dd goes.

pricklyPea Sun 12-Jan-14 05:50:34

I am sorry but smoking weed is not a hobby. Cycling is a hobby, stamp collecting is a hobby. Setting's fire to drugs and inhaling them like a teenage pothead when you have a baby to look after is a joke.

You supported him while he was ill and now he's spit his dummy out over the fact he'll have to cover the other half of the rent. Lucky you.

Do not get a joint account with this person. The thought of leaving my precious child with someone who is under the influence of drugs is unthinkable. I think you're brainwashed unfortunately I hope you get the help you need.

yeah we all know someone who <insert dodgy pastime here> and turned out just fine. but I know someone who smoked weed everyday and whose mental health was affected by it.

JeanSeberg Sun 12-Jan-14 08:24:42

We have a drugs and alcohol policy at work which includes random testing. I had to sack someone last month because they failed the random test due to cannabis use.

Chunderella Sun 12-Jan-14 10:40:33

Yes, there's a colossal difference between studying or raising an older child whilst using a lot of drugs and alcohol, and combining full time work with substantial periods of being the only carer for a child. The idea that this is just about people's puritanical disapproval of weed is pretty fucking tedious: plenty of posters had equivocated drug and alcohol use before you did purplesprout. No doubt all of us who've been students know people who spent much of their course wasted and still done very well. It's certainly possible to combine even real dependency on drugs and/or alcohol and still do very well, temporarily at least. However, here we have someone with impaired function after 6pm every evening, which suggests either he's starting even earlier, it affects him very quickly or both. He has significant health problems, and while cannabis use may be beneficial to people with his condition, drinking way over the recommended limits won't be. So that's another worry. His habits must be costing them at least £250 a month (if my calculations upthread are correct) at a time when money is tight, and he reacts with anger at the idea he might cut down on his inessential spending. And he's going to be spending long periods as the primary carer for a helpless baby, something that it doesn't sound like he has any experience of yet. All these things make his situation different the high functioning friends you describe.

OP I agree that some of the comments have been a bit extreme, but you do have a very real problem. Seriously, do you know what he's actually going to do when he's doing the childcare alone? Because it sounds like at the moment, he's spending most of his non-work and non-sleep time under the influence. I'm guessing you do the night wake ups? How is this going to fit with your shifts- will you actually be there overnight or is that when you'll work? I agree that some counselling might be helpful too but I think the practicalities need sorting too!

BettyBoo246 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:18:41

purplesprout no doubt your friends daughter smokes weed because she's had to grow up watching her mother smoke it daily.. Surely the chain has to be broken somewhere? Otherwise smoking illegal substances will just become the norm and socially acceptable - I for one do not want my ds growing up thinking its acceptable!
Statistics also show that most coke/heroine/crack/mcap addicts start off on canabis - it's a catalyst drug!
How you can compare it to a g&t is laughable, a g&t is not illegally, a g&t dealer won't come knocking at your door threatening you for unpaid debts, a g&t won't lead you on to class a drugs and a g&t won't get you banged up!
If cannabis was a substance that was snorted or injected instead of smoked would you still see it as 'just a bit of weed'

BettyBoo246 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:26:44

#Don't know where catalyst came from I meant gateway.

PurpleSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 11:29:42

I don't dispute that Chunderella. I just think the focus on 'OMG drugs!' in some posts and having a go at the OP for his drug / alcohol problem is also tedious.

OP your DH has a substance abuse problem and if not physically is almost certainly psychologically dependent on using weed and beer to unwind. I very much doubt his assertion that he will immediately moderate this enough to be a responsible carer. Even if he fully intends to, he'll probably fail, or will justify 'just a wee spliff / beer'.

I very much doubt he'll stop prioritising spending on it unless he breaks the daily habit completely, not tries to cut down (because it'll just escalate again). He will also use any excuse he can (e.g. you treating yourself) to divert cash to his habit, despite the fact your treats don't impair your ability to care for your child.

BettyBoo246 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:35:56

I don't think posters are necessarily having a go at the op for her dp's drug addiction, I think they are more alarmed she's allowing it around their dc's. And her main concern was the financial issue and the cannabis use was just dropped in - when surely it should be the main focus?

PurpleSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 11:42:50

BettyBoo I think the drug and alcohol abuse / dependence should be the main focus, as I said upthread. The financial issues won't get sorted otherwise and may well get worse if his use escalates.

But based on your post upthread about catalysts and wtaf is mcap, I would say we're at opposite ends of the spectrum in the drugs debate & don't want to derail the thread further.

Chippednailvarnish Sun 12-Jan-14 12:10:11

You can smoke what you want, just don't claim you are in a fit state to care for a baby at the same time.

BettyBoo246 Sun 12-Jan-14 12:14:06

I agree that she needs to address his substance abuse before she tackles the financial issue, indeed I imagine her/their financial situation would greatly improved if he kicked his habit.
What I am saying about cannabis is that it is becoming more and more socially acceptable and I think this is wrong. Using words/phrases such as 'just weed' or 'a smoke' is undermining the fact this is an 'illegal substance' (mcap is a drug)
I'm not generalising but it is proven a high percentage of cannabis users do use another or have used another illegal substance and also have a higher chance of committing criminal offences.
We all may know friends/family that have used this drug before but I think we forget the dealer that's behind these people we know, I for one have never met a 'nice' drug dealer.

Bogeyface Sun 12-Jan-14 12:31:25

Tbh guys I think we are wasting our breath. The OP made it clear that she didnt want to hear what we are saying about his drug and alcohol abuse, and have probably left the thread.

Sadly, that means her baby will suffer sad

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