to not want the OW at my child's football match?

(264 Posts)
Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 20:41:17

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

IamGluezilla Thu 09-Jan-14 20:43:55

Sorry but YABU. Not to want it but to pursue it, and it is your ex that is skanky btw. Focus on who was shitty to you .

How long have they been together? How long has she known your DC?

MuttonCadet Thu 09-Jan-14 20:46:41

Sorry but I agree YABU.

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 09-Jan-14 20:48:06

Will there be pie at this match?

Or Bovril?

Hmmmm...

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 20:48:11

Well they were BOTH skanky - she knew exactly what she was doing. It's just all too much coming right on top of the kids spending the whole of xmas and new year with XH, OW, her kids and his parents - as if she's just taken over what used to be my life. It's so bloody unfair. I can't stop his parents welcoming her into their home but there is absolutley no fucking need for her to be at MY child's activity. How insensitive is he - is he just trying to rub my face in it?

sarahquilt Thu 09-Jan-14 20:48:32

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I don't see how you can stop her going.

cardibach Thu 09-Jan-14 20:48:59

YABU, but I can understand your reasons. SHe is his partner now, presumably, so you have to expect her to be at stuff. And, yes, he is the one who 'did you wrong' not her.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Thu 09-Jan-14 20:49:54

Depends how long they have been together really.Also depends what your child wants.

Not a very nice thing for you run,so I understand

BrianTheMole Thu 09-Jan-14 20:50:37

Its not fair op. But I think you're going to have to try and deal with it for the sake of your ds.

YABU, but understandably so given the change you've had to go through. Surely it's a good thing that she cares about your son and wants to see him enjoy himself and do well at his football match? Unless, of course, she's going to stand there with a face like a grieving cod just to make a point about who she's with now - but that seems like a lot of hassle.

ElleBellyBeeblebrox Thu 09-Jan-14 20:53:42

I don't think YABU, I'd feel the same. Probably can't do anything other than show up looking good (casual but confident) and act like you don't give a shit. (Men are often insensitive, my dad brought his OW along to my parents court date to divvy up house and money etc.)

mineofuselessinformation Thu 09-Jan-14 20:56:42

Say nothing. Go quietly about your business and if pushed, say hello and then ignore. It's the most dignified and adult option.
I know how you feel... Xh now lives with OW. Keep to the moral high ground.

Ouch. I'm so so sorry op. That must be nauseating. And bloody painful. Hugs hugs and wine xxxx

soundevenfruity Thu 09-Jan-14 20:58:29

Hugless, I am going to borrow "face like a grieving cod". grin
OP, if you would've brought your new partner to the match then you ex-husband can too, though it must feel awful.

I can understand why you feel like you do. It must be pretty shit to have to deal with seeing her with your ex.

I don't know what you can do about it though other than take a deep breath and blank the both of them.

LittleThorinOakenshield Thu 09-Jan-14 21:00:19

I'd feel the same but I suppose this is how it's going to be now.

Hopefully given a bit of time you will have moved on and you can just feel sorry for her as she has a right skank in your ex, and I think people with no moral fibre repeat offend.

Awful though. thanks

DameDeepRedBetty Thu 09-Jan-14 21:02:04

Yanbu to not want her there of course!

Yabu to let the fucker see it.

Smile and nod, smile and nod, because not doing so will upset your dc, which is the one thing that is truly important in all of this ... and know that karma will bite them both on the arse in the end. It always does.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 09-Jan-14 21:02:44

She sounds like a cow. sad

Ignore her.

Timetoask Thu 09-Jan-14 21:03:09

How infuriating for you OP. I have no advice but just wanted to say that I would feel exactly the way you do.

comingintomyown Thu 09-Jan-14 21:03:15

YANBU very insensitive indeed but not much you can really do

MollyPutTheKettleOn Thu 09-Jan-14 21:04:42

Of course she "did you wrong". She knew he was married and had an affair as much as the ex did. You shouldn't think you can just go around treating people like absolute shit and not take any of the responsibility.

Completely understand your feelings OP and YANBU to feel how you do, but you are BU to think you can actually stop her coming. Do what the previous posters have said. Hold your head high and be the bigger person.

mcmoonfucker Thu 09-Jan-14 21:04:50

YANBU but head up, confident face on, polite hello with a definite pity smile for OW.

They may well expect 'bitter ex' type of encounter, don't give them even a snippet of that. Repeat 100 x before you get out of the car "you are welcome to him"

justmyview Thu 09-Jan-14 21:05:20

Could you and ex agree to support DS on alternate matches? That way, he can bring OW if he wants, but you don't have to see her?

stickysausages Thu 09-Jan-14 21:05:37

If she has the brass neck to show up, then you will have to suck it up.

ivykaty44 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:06:10

Go along and smile and say good day then move over and chat to the parents you know and ignore her.

Whilst all the time you know she has to be there... As he has a history of not remembering which woman he is with so she has to keep a very close eye on him to make sure he doesn't stray.

Whereas you are now free ;)

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:06:25

Hugless - why is it a good thing that she cares about my son? He is MY son. They don't live together. She doens't look after him. I couldn't give two shits if my DCs like her or not. I'm going to tell him he's an insensitive asshole and he can decide whether he thinks it's more important for OW or me to be there.

Monetbyhimself Thu 09-Jan-14 21:07:05

Skanky she is indeed. And she doedn't need to be there at all. She has no place there. But it probably gives her a kick to upset you so the best possible thing to donis hold your head up high, surround yourself with other parents and let her stand in the cold. Ow had the nerve to show up at a school event against DDs express wishes. My friends and family closed in around us like a protective blanket and the happy couple had to slink out at the end when Dd refused to go near them. She hasn't shown her face since. I know she has to spend time with my children but she can do it on her turf, not ours.You are a better person than she is. Keep your dignity.

SirChenjin Thu 09-Jan-14 21:08:37

As others have said - YANBU to not want her there, but FGS don't give either of them the satisfaction of seeing that you are bothered by their presence. Shoulders back, smile, say hello, move away.

You might also volunteer her for kit washing duty wink

SirChenjin Thu 09-Jan-14 21:08:47

them not her

Monetbyhimself Thu 09-Jan-14 21:09:03

Actually Ivy makes a good point grin I'd never thought about why OW have to be so clingy. Of course they're scared that the bloke will forget who he is supposed to be shagging wink

tiredandsadmum Thu 09-Jan-14 21:09:13

I've had this on various school events like Christmas concert. DS barely had a part. Apparently there is nothing that you can do, but it is insensitive. Ex didn't even let me know they would be there. I do know with them it is part of rubbing my nose in it. YANBU. The very worst one at the moment is her (with ex) going to meetings at school about my son and his learning difficulties. That has me white-cold with fury.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 09-Jan-14 21:09:48

I really wouldn't say anything to him - sorry sad

I wouldn't be above casually telling the other football mums and dads how I felt though.

LittleThorinOakenshield Thu 09-Jan-14 21:10:00

Look happy, even if you have to snort drugs before you go!

LIGHTHEARTED.

Bowlersarm Thu 09-Jan-14 21:10:53

I wouldn't give him that ultimatum OP. I would imagine he'll chose his girlfriend over you, which would mean you'd either lose out, or lose face.

Miserable for you, though.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:11:13

Monet - thing is kids moved schools a couple of years ago. Old school, I would have gone in a heartbeat and, like you, known all my dear dear friends would have my back. Doubt either one of them would have the nerve to show their faces in that situation. But new school is much, much bigger. I will only know a few other parents, and not well. I would love to go looking fabulous and breezy and not giving a fuck but I just don't think I'm capable of that right now.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 09-Jan-14 21:11:44

Lets face it- we all hate standing on the sidelines on a freezing Sunday morning. (Or is that just me?)

She has to be a loon.

Lizzylou Thu 09-Jan-14 21:12:04

What does your son think? How does he feel about OW?
I feel for you op, I do. It must be heartbreaking.
But the focus must be on your Ds here and making this change as easy as possible for him (bitter experience).

WooWooOwl Thu 09-Jan-14 21:15:29

he can decide whether he thinks it's more important for OW or me to be there.

Why would you want to give him that choice, and the power that goes with it?

It's not up to him whether you are there or not, and it doesn't matter whether he thinks it's important for you to be there or not.

If you want to be there and your son wants you to be there, then you have reason to be there! Your ex and his new girlfriend are irrelevant to what you decide to do, because you aren't going for their benefit.

I know it must hurt like hell, but don't let them think that you are that bothered. If you do, then they will just feel all superior because they will have reason to believe you are still pining for your ex.

jacks365 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:16:43

How recent was the breakup as you seem so bitter still. If it's that recent then he really shouldn't have introduced her to the children yet so yanbu.

Crazyex Thu 09-Jan-14 21:17:42

YANBU - she is there for herself and perhaps him for various reasons- very unlikely she is there for altruistic reasons of supporting a young boy she barely knows and has no responsibility for. Tell them "whatever" - my ex seems to want to be permanently attached to the GF but the kids have made it clear that he gives them previous little attention as it is so they'd rather have him to themselves.

sockssandalsandafork Thu 09-Jan-14 21:17:58

pair of twats ... can you take a friend for moral support?

Crazyex Thu 09-Jan-14 21:18:13

Precious...

LittleThorinOakenshield Thu 09-Jan-14 21:20:58

No to the ultimatum. It's not a good idea.

They will just take over.

OBehaveMaeve Thu 09-Jan-14 21:22:06

as pp says.

That Leanne Rimes singer shows up to her husband's children's football games and looks like a pushy stepmonster for doing it.

so let her! everybody will be so awkward. It will highlight how insensitive she/they are and what a 'prize' he is.

TaraLott Thu 09-Jan-14 21:23:16

Nope, not U at all, it would boil my piss, but I don't see how you can actually stop her going without a scene.

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 09-Jan-14 21:23:19

Feel for you. But as the daughter of divorced parents (dad had an affair) I am so grateful that my mum never gave an inkling that she was fazed by dad or the OW. I never had to choose, I was never put in an awkward situation. Even now at 35 with a DD of our own (who they both want to see as much as possible), there's never a comment about when we see each of them, or seeing one more than the other.

Whatever you feel about him and her, please don't let your DC get wind of it.

I really hope it goes as smoothly as it can do. You can't stop her turning up or him being an arse, though. hugs

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance Thu 09-Jan-14 21:23:21

YABU

But I can totally understand why you're upset, it's such a hard situation

Hold your head up high and ignore them, they are irrelevant to you now

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 09-Jan-14 21:25:52

Ooops, my hugs is an accidental link to nowhere... oh dear.

Good luck at the match, maybe the OW will get frozen solid or fall over in the mud (due to ridiculously stupid footwear) and you'll sweep on in looking as glamorous as you can do at the side of a football pitch grin

lunar1 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:26:07

they are a pair of skanky wankers and though i guess id have to tolerate him being there she would be about as welcome as last weeks fish.

Take the high ground, take a couple of trusted friends. One to support you and have lots of quiet chats and knowing pity smiles towards the OW. the other friend, and this one should be your most stunning friend should be there to give your ex lots of discrete smiles and knowing looks. make the ow feel as insecure about her 'prize' as possible.

LynetteScavo Thu 09-Jan-14 21:31:09

YANBU,

But if she is going to be there, I think you should go. I wouldn't want someone else having the privilege of watching my child play, while I missed out.

Also, I can't think of anything worse than standing in the cold watching someone else's DC play football - it will serve the silly cow right if she does go - hopefully it will be cold and damp. grin

Go and take a flask of coffee, and enjoy it, ignoring the OW.

Monetbyhimself Thu 09-Jan-14 21:32:21

Don't give them the power of making that decision for you. It's shit, it's unfair but you can bet your bottom dollar that when your lad scores he'll be looking round to see if YOU saw him, not some random woman who has contributed to tearing his life apart. You are raw, and being bitter is perfectly normal in the circumstances.

justmyview Thu 09-Jan-14 21:33:08

My friends' parents separated many years ago. 20 years later, my friend began to realise that her father had been unfaithful, never paid maintenance, only maintained contact with my friend due to the efforts of her DM etc.

The love & admiration that my friend felt for her mother was immense, for realising that despite her mother's pain, she managed to keep that to herself, recognising that my friend's relationship with her father was entirely separate from the relationship between the parents. My friend was under no illusion what a jack ass her father was, but she loved him in her own way

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:34:21

WooWooOwl - the problem is, XH & OW are NOT irrelevent to what i decide to do. I would love to watch DS play but I just don't feel strong enough to face them together.

And for whoever asked - it's actually been 2years now. The thing is, they lay very low for a long time and then pretended their relationship only developed long after we split. I mean, i knew the truth but it was much easier to ignore. So it's only in the last couple of months that they are appearing in public as a couple and all doing things together as a "family". So even though I don't still have feelings for him (truly - I am happier without him), the reality of their new life together being so public is only just hitting home now. I've actually been pretty ok for a long time, but the last few weeks and now this have just sent me into a downward spin. It's really hard.

alwaysneedaholiday Thu 09-Jan-14 21:34:39

Luckily football pitches are big!

Stand away from them, focus on your son, the football match and keeping warm. Then walk away with your head held high. Their opinion of you is irrelevant - they are the lowest of the low.

This same situation happened at our football club last season - you can be assured that the other parents didn't have a lot of time for the 'skanky' couple.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Thu 09-Jan-14 21:35:20

Lunar 1's suggestion is cracking re taking a gorgeous friend to give knowing looks.

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 09-Jan-14 21:35:41

When is the match? Do you have time to connect with a couple of other mums beforehand? In the playground or via an email?

I would feel better if I was walking in with someone, and had someone to chat to instead of feeling awkward.

After the game who will your son go to when he comes off the pitch? It'd just be nice having another mum or dad there with you for moral support.

Caitlin17 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:37:56

YANBU. Why on earth does she want to be there? Even if she were married to and living with your ex I wouldn't see any need for her to be pleasant and friendly towards your children.

Yogagirl It's a good thing if she and your son get on because, even if it is small, and it is painful given the circumstances, there is a chance that she and your ex could be together for the long term. If your son is going to have a good relationship with his dad (no matter how much of a twat he was to you), she will ultimately be involved at some point and your son needs to see the grown ups in his life acting like grown ups. I'm not disputing that he's your child and that she doesn't do the looking after him, but that doesn't mean they can't have a friendly relationship.
This is obviously based on a lot of assumptions - I don't know the OW. She could be going to be a cow, or she could have been invited. I'm not sure if you're referring to your son or your ex when you mention asking who they think is more important but I'd advise against it, as other posters have said, your son needs to see you taking the high ground.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 09-Jan-14 21:42:59

Yanbu to feel that way op but if you don't go, your son will be disappointed in you.

Caitlin you don't see why people whose partners have children should be pleasant and friendly to those children. Wtf? hmm

EdithWeston Thu 09-Jan-14 21:43:08

Consider taking a hip flask?

If you can meet up with someone (anyone) so you're no standing alone, it might help.

(If that person can be you, male, good looking and wearing Lycra, so much the better).

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:46:22

hugless - I meant asking XH who should be there not DS! Not entirely sure why she is going TBH. My suspicion is that she is insecure & clingy and doesn't like letting him out of her sight. I would be much happier If I could go with a friend or knew some of the other parents better.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:47:32

Alis - I suspect Caitling was being sarcastic & having a dig at me.

BruthasTortoise Thu 09-Jan-14 21:49:01

I'm sorry OP but I think you're being unreasonable. Yes, affairs are hurtful, awful things but the way they have conducted themselves since has not been awful. They have been together two years, they are obviously committed to each other and DS is his son too.

AllDirections Thu 09-Jan-14 21:49:08

Where do you live OP? Maybe a few of us mums could come along and pretend to be your best buddies grin

Just so you don't feel so alone!

If that's her motive for going it will be obvious after all of 2 minutes. Could you still go and stand with some of the other parents, even if you're not really pally with them they'll still be familiar faces.
I am sorry that you're having to deal with this yoga they do sound like a right pair.

AndiPandi Thu 09-Jan-14 21:53:44

Sorry but YABU. So they have been together for 2 years, she obviously loves your ex and that means accepting he has children. That means those children are part of her life wether you like it or not. It's far nicer for the children if they feel liked and welcome by new partners. You need to stop & think how your children would feel if Dad's new girlfriend didn't like them or want anything to do with them. A football pitch is a big place you don't need to stand anywhere near them, although tbh it would be better for son if you could manage to be civil.

Caitlin17 Thu 09-Jan-14 21:57:54

Sorry what I meant was beyond being pleasant and friendly! i. e as long as she is that there is no need to but in on things like this.

Why anyone who isn't a parent would want to is beyond me. I'd have sent a body double to son's rugby matches if I could.

sockssandalsandafork Thu 09-Jan-14 21:58:36

the fact they have only just 'come out' after nearly 2years puts a different slant on it, I presume they have kept it quiet to avoid upset (to you and dc's) I cant imagine they would leave it that long just so nobody would judge them.

So, my oroginal post still stands but theyre not as massive a pair of twats as I indicated earlier!

stay at the other end of the pitch!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 09-Jan-14 21:59:12

Ds stepmother somehow manages to be very lovely yet does not attend ds school meetings and football matches - maybe that's because she has a life of her own and wouldn't want to tread on anyone's toes.

I'm sorry you feel bad op, but agree with others, best thing is to go along, head held high- I'm sure others will suss the situation. Concentrate on ds winning goals.

Lovecat Thu 09-Jan-14 22:01:57

When my DNiece was small I used to take her riding at the weekend. Her father and the OW announced one week that 'they' were going to take her and I should stay away hmm. Apparently (I was good mates with the instructor) the skanky pair spent the entire lesson wrapped around each other with playing tonsil hockey and ignoring DN, even though the instructor was so pissed off with them that she was doing over-loud-parenting-style encouragement to the little girl ("WELL DONE DN, that's EXCELLENT, LOOK at you!"). And the fuckers told her at the end of the lesson that I'd be paying, as usual.

Some people are just scummy, I'm afraid, OP. In their case the OW was terrified he'd go back to his wife and family even though SIL had moved on by then, and made every effort to muscle her way into SIL's place, to the extent that she insisted the children sat next to her 'as the wife' at their grandfather's funeral, even when the littlest was crying for his mum, banished to four pews back...

He left her a few years ago for yet another woman. SIL had a quiet chuckle.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:04:34

Oh sorry Caitlin - misunderstood!

and Bruthas - the way they have conducted themselves has been awful because they are still LYING to people. I would much, much rather they had just admitted it all and gone public in the beginning. It would have felt awful, but at the time everything felt awful anyway. And I would be over it by now. Instead, it's like they waited until I finally started to feel normal again and THEN they knocked me down again. And kicked me in the face and knocked out a few teeth just for good measure.

Caitlin17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:05:23

YogaI wasn't being sarcastic I missed out part of my post. I don't agree with you however. I don't really get the need for OW/2nd wives or whatever to try to be a "mother" where there is still a real, loving and involved mother.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:06:18

socks no you have it all wrong. They have waited 2 years to 'come out' precicely to avoid people judging them. The kids knew about her a long time ago, it's got absolutely nothing to do with them. It is purely so that they can try adn keep their dirty little secret.

BruthasTortoise Thu 09-Jan-14 22:06:59

I'm sorry you feel like that Yoga and you're more than entitled to your feelings. I think, for me personally, I would prefer that if my DH cheated that he and the OW would keep a low profile until I had myself and the kids sorted. I appreciate that's not your feeling on it though.

babybarrister Thu 09-Jan-14 22:07:17

you need to think about your DS more tbh. having been the child in the middle, there is nothing more excruciating than the adults squabbling ...you owe it to our son to be civil smile

Caitlin17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:07:44

Yoga sorry it was some one else's post I wasn't agreeing with! Ignore me.

balia Thu 09-Jan-14 22:10:13

My ex had loads of OW's (maybe that makes it easier?) anyway, after we split the g/f who was nice and interested in our DD was much, much better than the g/f who resented her and the time her Dad spent with her.

It's been two years, she isn't going anywhere in the short term, which means your DS has/is increasingly going to have a relationship with her. It will be much easier for him if things like attendance at football matches can be managed by all. I'm not having a dig, I understand your feelings, but DC's pick up on these things so easily and it is very hard having your loyalties divided like this.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:14:09

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism "Ds stepmother somehow manages to be very lovely yet does not attend ds school meetings and football matches"

See, that's the way I think it should be. OW is XH's partner but she is not my kid's mum or even their stepmother. If I were in her shoes (not that I would EVER be an OW but if I were serious about someone with DC and an XW) I would be very respectful of XW's boundaries and not try to encroach on any territory that she was involved in. Then again, I guess the fact that someone would knowingly be an OW shows they don't have the best moral compass.

SuperSaint Thu 09-Jan-14 22:16:09

YANBU. My biggest fear in life is that exH and OW will turn up together at one of the DCs' events. I've never met the OW and I don't want to. It's bad enough I have to civil to ex H but I don't think I could even look at her.

I hate that she spends any time with the DCs and completely understand how you feel. On NYE they all went to friends of exH who we've spent many NYE with. It's like I've just been completely replaced. It was bad enough she took my husband but she should stop trying to take my children too. If I say anything like this (on MN or in real life) I am apparently being bitter and should be grateful she wants to spend time with my DCs.

jellybeans Thu 09-Jan-14 22:16:49

YANBU. I think its wrong to bring OW. I know people that do this and many a time it is because OW are scared of the partner being alone with wife or spending time near wife without them. They don't let their partner go anywhere without them. Maybe as they know what a cheat they are?

anotherrandomusername Thu 09-Jan-14 22:18:38

The main thing is, would your DS like her there? Does he get along with her? It doesn't sound like she's going anywhere anytime soon, so it may be best for your kids, hard as it would be for you, to just grit your teeth and tolerate her. Can you take a friend along for moral support?

Don't give your ex an ultimatum by the way, because why would he choose you over his partner? Don't give him that power.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:19:53

SuperSaint "It's like I've just been completely replaced"

Yes! That's exactly how i've felt the last few weeks. I used to be very close with his family. We always spent xmas at their house (my family are overseas and don't come over this time of year) and then often all went away together over new year - me, XH, DCs and his family. This year she and her DCs spent xmas at my ex-in laws with XH and my kids then the ALL went away together, to the same place we all used to go. It's not even so much that I want that life back, but that I was just so easily replaced. Like he just did a cut and paste in his life.

fromparistoberlin Thu 09-Jan-14 22:21:25

i feel and empathise with your rage OP!

I do agree you will gain alot by

(a) not giving a shit
(b) not showing you give a shit
(c) and being strong and marvellous

but its not easy hey? it sucks

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:21:59

"why would he choose you over his partner?"

Um, because it should be more important that I'm there to see my own son play...?

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 09-Jan-14 22:22:21

I certainly wouldn't ask your XH to decide between you and ow. He already made that choice once, sorry.

I'm afraid I think yabu. I thought you were going to say it was a recent new relationship, but after 2 years they are an established couple and there's no reason why she can't be a part of your DS's life.

I met DP a year and a bit ago. Last year my DS asked if DP would come with me to watch his music concert. I did mention to XH that it was DS's idea and he was fine with it.

I've also been to watch DP's daughter in a dance thing. His ex saved us all seats on the front row.

We all spend lots of time together despite not living together, so the fact that your x and ow don't live together doesn't mean he doesn't or shouldn't see her regularly. As his dad's partner it's quite likely that she is around a lot and if she cares about your DS enough to stand out in the cold watching football, you really should be happy about it. No, it doesn't detract from what they both did to your marriage and family, but you need to let that go for the sake of your DS.

I appreciate that it helps when the relationship happened after the split, but whatever the circumstances, you need to accept that this is your ex's life now and the people he spends it with are entirely his choice.

Please don't make things awkward for your DS by causing a scene or making a point. Sadly any sympathy you might get from friends for being wronged by the pair of them will quickly disappear if your upset your DS.

You will feel much better, much quicker, if you stop obsessing about her and him and their relationship. In the mean time act like you're not bothered about what they do. It's been two years since he left you (and if he didn't start seeing her till after leaving you, even if it was very shortly after leaving you, she isn't even the OW, she is his new partner) - do you really want to spend the rest of your life being the Bitter Dumped Ex?

Mimishimi Thu 09-Jan-14 22:24:31

YANBU to not want her there but you would BU to let them know that. Is it during your ex's contact time as well? Take a handsome friend or colleague along, or quietly chat to one there, for moral support grin

Caitlin17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:25:23

Yoga that sounds awful. And incredibly insensitive of ex and OW.

LynetteScavo Thu 09-Jan-14 22:27:10

Really, don't ask him to choose, because he will choose her.

You need to get your act together, at least for the duration of the match. Of course it's hard, but you just have to do some things.

Tinkertaylor1 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:31:54

YANBU. She didn't need to be there. In fact I would tell exp to keep the waters calm,you rather she wasn't there. Plus it would be distracting to ds while playing . I wouldn't give him the choice to choose between you.

Must be a really shitty time for you flowers

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:33:22

SolidGold - sorry if I wasn't clear but they had an affair while we were still very much married and I caught him. So she is indeed the OW. It would indeed be very different if she were someone he'd met after.

I know it's been 2 years and the thing is, I honestly haven't been like this the entire time. I've been ok for a lot of it, done some dating, was even seeing someone for a while. But all this behaviour from them is new & I'm only having to deal with it NOW.

Mimi no it's not during ex's contact time. And while I would never suggest he can't see his own son play, regardless of who DS is supposed to be with that day, I feel like SHE is encroaching on my time.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:36:34

In fact, I fully accept that what they do on the weekends the DCs are with their dad is none of my business. But DS is with me this weekend. I was planning to take him to the match and watch. Then out of the blue I get a text from XH saying ever so casually, they are going too and would I like him to take DS.

anotherrandomusername Thu 09-Jan-14 22:46:20

Um, because it should be more important that I'm there to see my own son play...?

Well I know that Yoga but I'm not your ex. If he felt it was fine to cut you out of Christmas, why would he care about a football match?

Tinkertaylor1 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:50:52

Sounds like he is testing the waters as he wants to parade her in your face.

Text back and say ' actually it's not ok that both of you are going. It makes me uncomfortable while I'm trying to watch ds play, when it's your time, you are both more than welcome to watch "

Lilacroses Thu 09-Jan-14 22:57:33

How bloody horrible. I feel for you. My friend is in a similar situation. Her ex's new woman told her she wanted to go to a high school open day because she felt it was important to "see where her son was going to school" meaning my friend's son. She does things like this all the time and my friend is really the most reasonable, calm, easy going person but she is so pissed off and upset by this sort of "taking over". I totally agree they are being hurtful and insensitive. Do you have some lovely friends who could go along to support you?

needaholidaynow Thu 09-Jan-14 23:01:33

Last year I couldn't go to DSD's very first dance show because I was looking after my 2 very young children at home.

Her mum got all arsey about the fact that I couldn't and wouldn't be going. She was saying that I should be making an effort to go with DP so that we both would be watching DSD rather than just one of us, and that it shouldn't be any different if it was DSD or one of the boys doing a show.

Needless to say it made me even more determined to not let her dictate my life so I didn't go even when it became apparent that we could get a babysitter!

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:10:52

anotherrandomusername Actually the christmas thing was something we'd agreed on in advance. I didn't know she would be there, but I had said it was ok if he had the kids at his parent's house on xmas day. And like I said, if they want her in their home, that's their business.

Tinker thank you, and thank you for the earlier hugs. x I have texted him to say that I would really like to go and don't think it's unfair to want to do so without having to see her. No reply so far, will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.

Lila I do have lots of very lovely friends but none who I can get to come with me to this.

needaholidaynow Thu 09-Jan-14 23:12:55

Oh and OP...

YADNBU!

She doesn't even need to be there anyway. It isn't necessary.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:16:44

Thank you needaholiday!! I was beginning to feel like I was going a bit mad. I mean, in the grand scheme of things i think I am more than reasonable. I never stop XH from spending as much time with the DCs as he wants. I don't question what they do when they are with him, I don't make snarky comments about them being at her house or all going away together. But surely I have some right to feel comfortable at an activity that she has no need to be at?

And how infuriating for you that DSD's mum thinks its ok to tell you how to look after your family! AGain, a case of people having no sense of boundaries. Arghh.

balia Thu 09-Jan-14 23:18:24

I think LindaCarter is bang on and her DCs are very lucky. And if you dated for a while, OP, wouldn't you have liked your new DP to show an interest in the DCs? Maybe come along to watch them play...

Caitlin17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:22:34

needaholiday have I got this right? The natural mother is complaining you didn't go?

OP, YANBU, there's no need for her to be there. Take comfort from the fact she will massively underestimate just how cold and boring school team sports are and will almost certainly be wearing unsuitable clothes and footwear.

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:24:07

balia "wouldn't you have liked your new DP to show an interest in the DCs? Maybe come along to watch them play"

Maybe but only if it wasn't going to be at the expense of the people who have a real vested interest in being there. A DP would be there for my benefit not DS. In fact, sometimes XH's father comes to watch. This is a man i hate even more than XH and OW. But as DS' grandfather he has a right to be there and DS would be really chuffed to have him there. So if I really don't feel like seeing my ex FIL I just stay away and keep my mouth shut. But I'm pretty sure DS doesn't care one or the other if OW is there, she would be there purely for her own and XH's sake, not DS.

needaholidaynow Thu 09-Jan-14 23:25:00

You're absolutely right yogagirl. I think it sounds like a really tough situation to be in. There are certain situations where the boundary needs to be firmly set. I think in this case I think if the mum doesn't want her ex's partner to be there then that's that, and if the partner doesn't want be there or has commitments then that's that.

needaholidaynow Thu 09-Jan-14 23:27:15

Catlin yes she complained at the time. It really took me by surprise because I thought she would have understood my "reasons" for not going. But she was not impressed and it pissed me off the fact that she was somehow pissed off at me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 09-Jan-14 23:29:20

I can tell that it hurts OP, but I'd resist the game-playing as suggested on this thread and I wouldn't ask my ex to choose between me and his partner. If it were my son, I'd go - for his sake, nobody else's.

The tip that I would give you is to take headphones and your iPhone with some music that you don't normally listen to, anything - just nothing that you'll associate with 'the day'. Put those in and cheer your son on. Stand in the same row, not opposite your ex and his girlfriend - that way you won't see them.

Walk in and walk out with your head high and a matter of fact demeanour. They do not matter to you.

For your own sake, get some counselling if you think it would benefit you. They kept under the radar for two years, it was your husband who betrayed you. To keep referring to his partner as 'OW' is a constant reminder. She's his partner and you're free now - or will be soon, I hope.

Caitlin17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:29:40

Lyndacarter I would assume OW is going because she doesn't want OP to be there on her own with ex than she cares so much for OP's son that she wants to watch a school football match.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 09-Jan-14 23:34:09

YADNU but the best thing to do is to just act like you don't care and ignore them. Act like you couldn't give a fig whether she's there or not. Don't be the bitter ex - don't give him or her the satisfaction.

Tinkertaylor1 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:35:15

There will be always be bad blood, they cheated on op together. She needs to watch her boundaries , this is never going to be a happy mixed family .

If was different circ. and the ex was rocking up with his new chick it would have been different!

I would be tempted to say 'sure go' and wrestle that bitches face in the dirt grin

Maybe83 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:35:38

Oh my god need a holiday Dictate your life? Because ds mother felt that you shouldn't miss an important event in her life as you wouldn't with your own children. So her dd would feel equally valued in her new family. I actually find it quite sad that you didn't go to prove a point and missed out.

And op I would text back that no that isn't appropriate but on his contact weekend s he s more than free to bring who he like s to your sons matches.

If your not feeling up to it best not expose your ds as he will pick up on the tension and that isn't fair on him, good luck,

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 09-Jan-14 23:40:32

Also, I can't think of anything worse than standing in the cold watching someone else's DC play football - it will serve the silly cow right if she does go - hopefully it will be cold and damp.

This.

I bet she'll be dressed all wrong too.

If he does turn up with her just snigger quietly at her being all cold and miserable without even the joy of watching her kid play.

Caitlin17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:40:45

Maybe maybe Ineedaholidays step daughter might have preferred it was only her real parents(sorry *I needaholiday*not doing you down but I think you'll understand) who were there rather than her "new family".

needaholidaynow Thu 09-Jan-14 23:41:43

Maybe83 how would she be equally valued if I went? I'm not her mum! As long as both parents are there to watch their child then any other adults not being there is irrelevant to be honest.

I fall in to the same category as GPs, aunts/ uncles to be honest.

needaholidaynow Thu 09-Jan-14 23:42:59

Understand perfectly Caitlin don't worry! smile

Maybe83 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:50:57

Well each to their own it's not how it works in my family and I never give up an experience with any of my children or step children to piss another adult of..but if your sd didn't mind that's all that matter I suppose!

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:51:16

Constant reminder or not, she will always be OW in my mind. Like tinker said, if he rocked up with a new chick I really couldn't care less. I would probably find it laughable. Nevertheless, while i can accept that they are now together and may stay that way for a long time, I don't feel any need to have her in MY life, now or ever. Maybe if they get married I will have to see her at my own DC's weddings one day but til then...not.

wellthatsdoneit Thu 09-Jan-14 23:51:41

I completely understand OP. The OW certainly wasn't thinking about your ds' best interests when she got involved with his (married) father, so for her to be prancing around at a football match playing the doting step parent is tough to swallow. You know you have to fake it like mad though if they do go else you'll be (unjustly) labelled the bitter ex who can't move on. How do you get over the injustice of it all? Any tips, pass them this way.

Maybe83 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:52:25

Step child I meant unless my dh has some I don't know about!

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:52:59

needaholiday totally understand what you're saying! You are kind to them and you care for them, but you are not their mum and you have a right to make your own decisions for what feels right for you. Anyway, I"m going to try and get some sleep. Thanks all. xx

Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 23:55:14

wellthatsdoneit "Any tips.." I'll let you know if I figure it out! In any case, 2 years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things. I was with XH for 18, so if it takes me longer than 2 to process it all then so be it.

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 09-Jan-14 23:58:24

Some DCs do actually value the input that other adults have in their life. DP invited his ex and her bf (the one she cheated on him with) round for Xmas day, along with all of her family. It was good for his DCs to have everyone they loved together for the day. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him and it seems strange to others, but to have excluded the bf on Xmas day would have been mean.

My lot had me and XH with them throughout the day and were then really excited for my DP to come over later with his DCs. Just because he's not their dad it doesn't mean they have no interest in seeing him, they all love him like a close uncle and appreciate him being interested in their lives.

Kids can have lots of close adults in their family and I think it's very churlish to suggest that the ow was only there to keep an eye on her man, not because she actually cares about the child. Not much chance of even a serial shagger getting up to mischief on a school footy field.

wellthatsdoneit Fri 10-Jan-14 00:03:45

Just wondering what you could say to her if your paths do cross. Perhaps, with a gushing smile, 'Hi! Gosh you're brave! Hope you don't feel awkward.' And if she has the brass neck to question why she should feel awkward you can launch into the full assault of 'Well, I have slept with your boyfriend countless times <tinkly laugh>. Have you got used to his snoring/farting in bed yet?' or some other highly inappropriate comment which indicates a) how intimate you have been with him and b) what a skanky slob she has ended up with.

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 10-Jan-14 00:03:59

Where will her kids be during the match?

Yogagirl17 Fri 10-Jan-14 00:06:33

Lynda you and your DCs are very lucky. I honestly mean that. That you can all make it work despite what's happened before is admirable. But that requires that all parties involved know how to be respectful and not resort to emotional abuse, lying and bullying when the going gets tough. You may think it's churlish to question OW's motives for wanting to be at the match but I can assure you with absolute confidence she is NOT doing because she cares so much about DS. They've played games since day 1 and this is just another game to them.

Right, now about that sleep....

Yogagirl17 Fri 10-Jan-14 00:08:50

well actually he does snore and fart in bed! (thanks, just another reminder why she is welcome to him) grin

Wally I actually have no idea where her kids will be. Maybe with their dad..? I don't know if he is involved in their lives or not. I do know that they divorced because he cheated on her. Which, in my mind, elevates her skankiness even more. To be cheated on and then become the OW...really the lowest of the low.

Well if they are playing a game, you are letting them win by whining and stamping your feet over this. The more you kick up, the more your XH can say to his friends and family, 'Poor Yogagirl, so bitter after all this time, it's such a shame' and congratulate himself about how irresistible he is for you still to be affected by losing him.
They may well be doing it to get a reaction out of you. You will honestly feel much better if you can retain your dignity and treat them with calm, civil indifference (even if you need to rage and weep to a close friend afterwards.)

BlingBang Fri 10-Jan-14 00:20:20

They are being really insensitive Op, I feel for and I know I'd feel exactly the same. Yes, you should take the higher ground and act like it is nothing but I çan imagine how hard this is for you. Hope it works out and hope if she goes the weather is fucking miserable and she is bored, soaked and freezing. Happy to put up with the shitty weather for my kids, would rather not have to do it for someone elses.

MiniMonty Fri 10-Jan-14 00:26:30

Just march boldly up and ask if she can explain the off side rule - when she stumbles just tut, grin and walk away.

jammygem Fri 10-Jan-14 00:47:49

YABU but I can see why you would be upset.

If XH and OW have spent Christmas together with the kids, and they're serious about the relationship, then I can completely understand why she would want to go to support your son. I don't think it's about being there for your XH but to build up a relationship with her DP's son. Whether you like it or not, she is now part of your DS's life, and it's much better for him to get on with his new "Step mother" than to hate her.

I know it's hard and really upsetting for you, but think of what's best for your DS rather than focusing on your XH and OW.

jellybeans Fri 10-Jan-14 11:10:32

Do you think she actually wants to watch your son or is scared to let him out on his own/ wants to make a point etc?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 10-Jan-14 11:11:09

Hope you are ok, op.

OldDaddy Fri 10-Jan-14 12:13:24

For years and years (including my adult life) I had to suffer my parents playing the "not going if they are going" game. Dad refused to attend brothers wedding without new partner, mum refused to attend my wedding as dad was bringing partner.

As a result various grandparents didn't attend either. What should have been the biggest day for my brother and I - and our partners spoiled because parents couldn't stop thinking about themselves.

So to be blunt, and apologies if this is upsetting but stop thinking about yourself and think about your kids. What starts with a football match could spiral out of control and eventually be things like graduation, engagement parties weddings and so on. Separation is tough especially when there are other parties involved but the moment you become a parent you cease to be the most important person.

It took me and my brother to have to bluntly and loudly tell this to them to sort things out. Eventually everyone managed to attend my daughters christening a few years ago. And although I've forgiven them for the years of selfishness I've not forgotten how much anger this has brought over the years.

Ginocchio Fri 10-Jan-14 12:13:44

OP, sorry but I think YABU. Setting aside the way that they got together (and the understandable hurt that that has caused you), they have been together for 2 years now, & she is part of your DS's life. If you don't accept that, you'll only be hurting your son. If you change your plans because she's going, then your sowing the seeds for making your DS choose between you & your XH.

People saying "do she realise it'll be cold", "get her to explain the offside rule" - OW has children of her own, and does it really matter whether she knows what to expect? Is that part of the entry requirement for supporting someone? I don't know what the offside rule is either; should I stay away from my son's football matches?

Obviously we don't know the motivation for her wanting to go, but if they've just spent Christmas together, it may be that she actually wants to show support for OP's DS, as she feels that she is part of his life?

I'm not belittling the pain that you've had to go through, but you need to accept that this is the situation and find a way to deal with it, for the sake of your DS.

LessMissAbs Fri 10-Jan-14 12:19:54

YANBU. She can go where she likes, and its surely your ex you shouldn't want to see, as his "wronging" of you is more direct to you, IYSWIM.

Obviously its a horrible situation, but theres a lot to be said about taking the mystery out of her and seeing their relationship as mundane. Try to see her as having done you a favour and now being unlucky enough to be stuck with a cheat, and having to stand watching football matches in the cold so show some kind of front to be with him.

I think the gushing, overly pseudo nice comments are quite funny as well. Act the bigger person, keep your dignity and you will always be the winner.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Fri 10-Jan-14 12:27:55

Then out of the blue I get a text from XH saying ever so casually, they are going too and would I like him to take DS.

That sounds like they were going anyway? Does Your exH's Partner have a child playing in the match?

allmycats Fri 10-Jan-14 12:32:17

Do not ask him to choose between you and her, he has already done this. You need to think of your son and only him in this situation - go to the match, nod politely to them and walk away, as said, there is a lot of space around a football pitch. Please DO NOT lower yourself to make any kind of 'remark' to her. You are going to watch your son play in a match, it is totally irrelevent who else is there.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 10-Jan-14 12:40:07

Best revenge is to turn up, looking and being fab, cheering on your DS, happy and smiling.

Not giving a flying fuck about a cheating scumbag and a woman with less than perfect morals.

Be grateful that she has taken that lying wankbadger off your hands and you can have new adventures, shes stuck with that idiot, until he cheats on her too.

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 10-Jan-14 12:44:44

Let her cling to your Ex as hard as she likes, for fear of him doing to her what he did to you.

Just don't cede any ground, or create any 'I'm not going if she goes' wars, because it is your children who will suffer, like Ginocchio. Please go to the match, even if you know it is going to be really really hard. There had to be a first time, but I hope it gets easier from here on in.

DrankSangriaInThePark Fri 10-Jan-14 12:54:42

Of course YANBU in not wanting her there. YANBU for not wanting her even to live, but YABU in a) persisting in calling her the other woman. She's your ex's new partner, and potentially your children's step-parent, and hard as that might be, expressing your bitterness is just going to hurt your children in the end. b) thinking that you have the right to tell your ex husband where he can and cannot take his new partner.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and I know my Mum hurt for a long time. But I still cringe and feel uncomfortable even now (am 48) when she slags my Dad and his wife off. It's just undignified.

Hold your head high, look drop dead gorgeous, and have a visible good time while you are in their presence. If your eyes meet, a withering look of pity will suffice.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-Jan-14 13:14:55

Aggravating and tiresome but you go and don't let their game playing spoil your DS's match. Easy for me to say but the dread of seeing them playing happy couple at a public event is going to be much worse than the reality. It is sickening but the first time will be the worst and after that, a bit easier. It's not like you have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about, take a friend for support.

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 10-Jan-14 13:34:57

Well said OldDaddy.

deXavia Fri 10-Jan-14 13:48:35

Whilst I understand how you feel, in the nicest possible way this is so not about you, your ex or the OW... OldDaddy has it right.

Please don't put your kids into this position. I am unbelievably proud and in awe of my mother who had every reason to hate my Dad and his multiple OW including the one he married. She didn't - she stood above it and I was 30 before I once heard her bad mouth him and even that was done jokingly (she figured I had enough life experience myself by then to cope!). Why did she do this because her Parents divorced and she had to put up with an on going battlefield of misery, snide comments and choosing between them. Your DS is not just YOUR kid, he is also your EX's.

You hate her, you are reeling from their new found "couple status" I get all that but don't put your kids in the position of having to choose or lie to placate people. As OldDaddy says one football match soon escalates. Stand at the other end of the pitch (not opposite that would be hell!), cheer loudly, take your DS for a celebratory lunch afterwards and hug him tight. If you have to cry into a pillow or rant on MN later then do so but for your DS's sake don't make this about the 3 of you.

ElsieMc Fri 10-Jan-14 14:01:19

Of course YANBU for goodness sake. Who on earth would be happy about this in the real world and what about the OP's son? How he feels should come first and I don't think he would want to feel awkward and he is likely to notice the tension and pick up on your unhappiness.

Although you cannot probably keep her away, it shows enormous insensitivity on the part of your ex.

I know you will both want to see him play so do try to come to some arrangement either alternate matches or she stays away. She is not his parent.

wellthatsdoneit Fri 10-Jan-14 14:13:04

Hope you are ok OP.

I cannot think of anything worse than having to be in this situation. I feel completely violated by what my ex did to me and it takes enormous dedication not to let the strength of those emotions consume me. Thankfully he lives in another country so it's not something I have to face at the moment (although it brings other problems, like not being able to involve the CSA so he hasn't paid a bean in maintenance). I dread the whole 'wedding' scenario listed above though.

I wish you strength and solace.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 10-Jan-14 14:28:52

I just wanted to add that the GF possibly thinks she is a big part of DS life, she thinks she is building up a relationship with your son. Let her think that. The thing is, to your son, she will always just be background noise, hopefully, kind and friendly background noise, but nothing much more than that while he has you, the loving mother on the scene.

DH is a wonderful stepdad to ds, but I know that DS would throw him off the cliff without a moments hesitation if it came down to a choice between him and his dad!
Similarly, DSS likes me, we go on holidays, we have fun, but of course, his mum comes first.
DS likes his step-mum - I think she's brill and lovely too - but I am the one in his heart. Be confident that you are that with your DS too. It makes no difference who ends up going to the football.

jellybeans Fri 10-Jan-14 14:39:19

OldDaddy is right about the potential affects as my DH has this situation with his parents and a friend of mine was in tears on the wedding day because his parents were so estraged and angry towards each other. However it was the person who cheated that caused all this emotional hell for the other person and sometimes if you haven't been through it yourself you really don't know the horrific pain involved. You can't just switch off emotions. Maybe if the cheats kept it in their pants, and put kids and their family first, this wouldn't have happened?

Sadoldbag Fri 10-Jan-14 15:04:29

Why don't you ask son if he's happy with her being there as it's really up only his view that counts

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 10-Jan-14 15:10:13

Sorry, I meant to refer to OldDaddy in my post, not Ginocchio.

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 15:28:41

Yanbu to not want her there, and she's an insensitive arse for going. However, she's allowed to attend if she wants to and practically you're not going to be able to stop her. So you're going to have to eat the shit sandwich, I'm afraid. More dignified all round if you pretend you like it. Your ex is highly unlikely to put your wishes before hers, let's be honest, and it seems wrong to drag a child into this. If DS really doesn't feel comfortable with her being there, fair enough say something, but otherwise all you're doing is stressing him out. He will probably want to focus on his big game, sports matches can be very important to DC. And I really wouldn't let XDH and OWs douchebaggery stop you from doing something you want to do and from being there for your child. Again if he's not bothered if you go, treat it as an opportunity to do something else, but I suspect he probably is.

So in this situation, I would don my warmest coat, jauntiest hat and most supportive grin, and take a friend or relative for support too. I might also be tempted to let some of the other parents know she was the OW too, since they apparently wanted to keep that quiet.

BrickorCleat Fri 10-Jan-14 16:34:16

but stop thinking about yourself and think about your kids. What starts with a football match could spiral out of control and eventually be things like graduation, engagement parties weddings and so on. Separation is tough especially when there are other parties involved but the moment you become a parent you cease to be the most important person.

This is so true.

Try counselling to try and manage some of your anger and bitternes. The only people whom you'll make suffer if you carry on with this are you and your DS.

Please try, for his sake, to disengage and make the situation less volatile.

It won't go away but you can change your attitude and start to come to peaceful terms with your life and those in it

Best of luck.

CaterpillarCara Fri 10-Jan-14 18:11:10

I totally, completely, 100% understand why you don't want her there. I feel for you and sympathise. The situation sucks and you have every right to be pissed off, miserable, and hoping they would move to Timbuktu.

But as a child of divorced parents married to someone with divorced parents please read, re-read, re-read and re-read OldDaddy's message. This is exactly how it will end up if you go down the avoiding each other path. It will be pure hell. My MIL did it, and I can tell you that even now (thirty years later!) there are so many things she misses out on in her children's and grandchildren's lives because the whole family has got used to inviting one or other. I think by now she wouldn't mind sometimes being in the same place, but the "which one shall we ask" habit has been set. And to be honest, often her children avoid their home town at times like Christmas to get away from the "who are you going to choose" pressure. All the time I see my DH in distress because he is so pulled between them by his mother. The only argument I have ever had with any of my ILs was with a BIL over a "who shall we choose" dilemma. It is horrible.

My own mother did not choose this path when my father ran off. She has had a much happier outcome in terms of involvement in her children's and grandchildren's lives. She very early on took a pragmatic decision that she would have to tolerate her ex and his OW for the sake of her own relationship with her own children - by not ever making us choose between them. I know this often hurt like hell and was hugely difficult to manage. But she would tell you it was worth it, and as her child I agree.

So horrible, difficult and unfair as it may be, I do think that the long game, for you, means sucking it up. Have you got a friend who would go and stand with you? Big takeaway coffee each and plenty of gossip?

LynetteScavo Fri 10-Jan-14 18:53:00

OP, Please don't turn into someone like my MIL who didn't feel able to sit on the top table with FIL , even at different ends, because it was the same table or even appear in the same official photo of the grooms side of the family (Yes, I have two copies of the grooms side of the family) - DH would have loved just one photo of his side of the family, with both parents. As it is he doesn't like either photo, as he feels some one is missing.

Just saying. x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 10-Jan-14 19:01:04

Agree with OldDaddy, however hard it might be, it's not about you anymore when you have a child.

I think the suggestion of referring to your ex husband's farting and snoring is ridiculous and sounds like 'sour grapes'. In denigrating him this way you demean yourself... after all, you married him, endured these er... emissions, and the decision to end the marriage wasn't yours so to bring up these defects is just silly.

Grit your teeth and be there for your son without engaging in any game-playing. Your ex sounds as if he was going to be there anyway, with his partner. What you do is of no consequence to him. Make that work the other way around too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 10-Jan-14 19:02:31

... and you have no right to veto anybody's attendance anywhere at any time, as much as you might wish to. Please don't even start that as it is your son who will suffer.

HuntingforBunting Fri 10-Jan-14 19:24:04

Id like to say that I do think you have the right to veto her presence. And yes, she did you a huge huge wrong. Why should she be there? I think your x is disgustingly insensitive. Maybe in time you can begin to deal with her, but if your not ready, why should you? Why shouldn't you be listened to? Bet the moralless cow has no real interest in being on a cold pitch for two hours anyway. Makes me cross for you. Keep calm and good luck x

HuntingforBunting Fri 10-Jan-14 19:26:09

Seriously what's all this suck it up advice??? He knew what he was doing when he started an affair, and this woman attending dc special events is just not fair.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 10-Jan-14 19:28:08

OP can't control whether this woman attends or not. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, she has no right at all. It is insensitive, no doubt about that. OP needs coping strategies, I think, rather than a rah-rah of cheerleaders giving impotent advice.

We all know it's a horrible situation, it's a given.

BruthasTortoise Fri 10-Jan-14 19:29:55

I think because a child's football match is not a special event - it's a run of the mill part of the child's life and a public one at that. Also think that fair doesn't necessarily come into it (even if in a perfect world it should!) it's about the best interests of the child. I don't necessarily think that them attending the child's footie is in his best interests but in the future for actual special events it will be in the child's best interest if all the adults in his life can be in a room together.

CaterpillarCara Fri 10-Jan-14 19:52:43

The suck it up advice, if you look, is from the point of view of people who have been the children in this situation. We are now adults, but are remembering (and in many cases, still experiencing) the feelings and hurts.

Yes the OW did something terrible. She may well be a moral-less cow with no interest in a cold game. None of it is fair. The XH may is probably disgustingly insensitive.

That is actually all by the by though, as we're talking about how the OP's son may feel now and in the future, and trying to put that side across so she can look at the bigger picture. It is the best effort we can make at being a voice from her son's future - she can ignore it, of course, but I hope she listen to it first.

Pollywallywinkles Fri 10-Jan-14 19:54:04

I can go even further than olddaddy in that my parents have not been in the same room in nearly 35 years. The hurt that their behaviour has caused my sibling and I has been devastating and it now affects our children who are now adults.

Whilst I understand how you feel, you need to put your child first. Don't think for one minute that children don't pick up on what is going on around them.

bisjo Fri 10-Jan-14 20:11:45

I can't see why your ex would care whether you are at your son's football match or not so I'm not sure why you'd want to give him an ultimatum along those lines. Clearly he didn't care about you enough to not go off and have an affair.

If I were you I would be the grown up here not engage in an argument with your ex that you will lose and which will leave you feeling more upset. The only loser then will be your son.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues Fri 10-Jan-14 20:15:04

I would not do it, I would see no need to be there at the match.

Its in considerate and nasty and totally un necessary.

You will not find sympathy on MN though op,

There was a tremendous thread once where a poster suggested a new mother express her own breast milk, so it could be given to the OW to give the baby whilst the ow co slept with her new born and the father. shock

WillBeatJanuaryBlues Fri 10-Jan-14 20:21:26

Having read a little more of the thread blush I think you have some decent advice there.

You cannot change the situation but you can change yourself.
As a parent I agree you have to squash your feelings and be the better stronger person for as people have said the long term game.

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 20:21:59

For me hunting it's because however badly OP was treated, she cannot stop them from coming. So she's being told to suck it up because she's going to have to. Whatever she does, they will still come if they want to and there's sod all she can do about it. That means the end result will be her eating the shit sandwich, in one way or another. It's not fair, no, but even if you think OP has the right to veto OWs presence, practically speaking she can't. Unless XDH suddenly takes an interest in her feelings again.

Chunderella Fri 10-Jan-14 20:23:00

I really want to read that WillBeat! Don't suppose you have a link?

Pesca Fri 10-Jan-14 20:56:10

I agree with you yoga! Im a stepmum to three( not the Ow may i add) however i have always tried not to step on their mums toes. Any school plays etc dh has been too i would never go as i think its overstepping the mark.

My eldest stepdaughter is now 23 and im already worried about when she marries as i dont want any tension on her day.

I would imagine she wants to go as she knows you will be there and doesnt want your ex chatting to you etc.

CaterpillarCara Fri 10-Jan-14 21:24:28

It doesn't matter why the OW wants to go. That is for the OP to rant, rave, discuss, moan about with friends or on here - it is annoying and galling and horrible and insensitive and uncomfortable and more.

I still think that for the OP's own sake and for her children's that the right advice is to go herself anyway. She can stick pins in a voodoo doll before, after and during the experience (doll in pocket?) - but each time she is in the same place as the OW it will be easier, and eventually, if they last, she may be doing it at a time which really matters.

If the ex-H and OW are not going to be as sensitive as you are Pesca, the OP (and Mumsnet) are not going to make them so.

Pesca Fri 10-Jan-14 21:54:48

I agree caterpillar. I think as hard as it seems the best thing to do is hold your head up high and concentrate on your son.

If you see them be polite ,i dont think snidy comments will help. And come and vent on here as i totally get where your coming from .

Sparklysilversequins Fri 10-Jan-14 22:09:57

I'd say "fine, if you want the biggest almighty scene in the history of the world, bring her." I'd never do that to my child obvs but ex has seen me on the warpath and its not pretty, he wouldn't dare do this.

Pesca Fri 10-Jan-14 22:20:01

Sparkly what does that achieve though? The most important thing here is both parents watching their son. The children are the only ones who suffer when parents make threats etc.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 10-Jan-14 22:40:45

I'm sure Dad would be able to come alone wouldn't he?

I would not do this to the father of my children because its disrespectful and unnecessary. So I would make that perfectly clear to him and he could make his decision from that.

I get bored to tears sometimes of the "be the bigger person" party line on MN. If people treat you horribly, it's fine to say so and it's fine to tell them. There's being the bigger person and there's being a doormat. Some of the advice on this thread sails pretty close to doormat territory. There is no reason whatsoever for the OW to be there. You assisted in breaking up my marriage, you don't get to ruin my good times afterwards too.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 10-Jan-14 22:44:51

Oh and FWIW nasty people like that don't look at you and think, "goodness me what a dignified and honourable woman she is, wow don't I feel small". They really, really don't, they've pushed a boundary and won, next time it will be something else and you'll keep being sidelined and suppressing your fury for the sake of the moral high ground that no one notices or cares about except for you. She's already had the OP's DH, why does she get to keep intruding and making the OP feel crap forever after too?

Bowlersarm Fri 10-Jan-14 22:53:41

I am fairly certain I wouldn't be able to have a slanging match on the side of my DSes football match, Sparkly. You may be able to, but I wouldn't, so if I were the OP that wouldn't be an option.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 10-Jan-14 22:54:34

Read my post. "I wouldn't do that to my child obvs".

Ex wouldn't take the risk though.

Bowlersarm Fri 10-Jan-14 22:58:17

Well that's you. " seen me on the warpath" A lot of people wouldn't be able to behave like that.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 10-Jan-14 22:59:20

I'm not saying they should.

Bowlersarm Fri 10-Jan-14 23:00:12

Okay, shall leave it there. No idea what you're saying really then.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 10-Jan-14 23:02:54

Really? I think I've been quite clear.

I would tell my ex it was unacceptable to bring her considering we three knew the full story.

I am sure he would adhere to that.

I think that keeping the moral high ground is overrated and can end up making you more unhappy and force you to keep accepting the unacceptable.

Is that easier to understand?

Sparklysilversequins Fri 10-Jan-14 23:04:19

Oh and these are only my opinions only. I don't seek to tell anyone else they should deal with things like this if they don't feel able to.

sunshine401 Fri 10-Jan-14 23:10:27

2 Years I am afraid shows commitment. She is the girlfriend of your childrens father. As hard as it may be you have to be able to let the past be the past and focus on your children and their best interest. Which unfortunately involves allowing them to develop a healthy relationship with this women who their father is inlove with. Lead by example, show maturity and self respect. It will get easier as time goes by.

Pesca Fri 10-Jan-14 23:19:13

Sparkly i get where your coming from . As i have seen both sides iv been a stepmum for 12 yrs but also split up from dh for 2 years and had numerous women enter my dds life ,which i dont agree with but i felt powerless. We are now back together . I hated other women being involved but the more i voiced it the worse it got.

MrRected Fri 10-Jan-14 23:22:01

Yanbu to think this but ywbu to do anything about it.

Get yourself scrubbed up - literally, have a long shower, exfoliate, shave, treat your hair. Wear a nice crisp outfit, makeup and perfume. Go to that football match with your head held high. Greet your scumbag ex and his poor victim with dignity, then focus on your DC.

The best revenge you can exact would be to NOT give him the satisfaction of knowing and seeing your broken heart. Half the time I think these cheating twats get off on the power trip of hurting another.

You CAN do this.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 10-Jan-14 23:28:00

Pesca that sounds awful. Sounds like there was a lot to forgive in order to be able to get back together. All credit to you smile.

Pesca Fri 10-Jan-14 23:41:24

Sparkly im still working on it ! Im not a forgiving person however i want my children to have a proper family(something i never had) .(in the process of googling therapy sessions) .

Yogagirl17 Fri 10-Jan-14 23:50:55

Wow, so many responses since last night. Sorry I haven't been back sooner and sorry if I can't reply to everyone. There are some really thoughtful posts here on both sides.

The outcome is that XH will be there and has agreed not to bring her but has made it clear that she would like to come another time. I don't need to be there every week so I'm happy to stay away from time to time so she can suck up show her support.

I totally take on board what OldDaddy says and I hope that by the time there are really important events in the DCs lives I can face being in the same place with them. But this is new - doesn't matter that it's been 2 years, this whole public parading of her is new to ME and I'm having to process it now.

I also agree with Sparkly that taking the high road can be highly overrated. It just feels like being walk over and I prefer to stand up for myself. I didn't insist that she not come. I didn't tell him she had no right to be there. I just told him that if she was there tomorrow I couldn't be. That's the way it is for now and I feel better for having said it. I have tried hard not to be nasty about XH or OW to DCs - I save that for my friends and family! But for all the well meaning advice on here to show up looking fabulous and not giving a shit, I know I couldn't cope with it at this moment and in this particular situation. There wont' be a lot of people there - just a handful of a parents and no one I'm close with. I will face her at a time when I'm ready and when I know I have some support.

Pesca Fri 10-Jan-14 23:57:20

Im sorry i have given advice based on my situation , im glad you stood up to him and hey it looks like he respects you as a mother.

(If i had said that im sure a harem of women would of turned up!)

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 11-Jan-14 09:16:47

Good for you, yoga.

Caitlin17 Sat 11-Jan-14 09:48:20

I've been thinking about this as a good friend of mine found out her husband had been cheating for years with a series of women but then found one he is serious about. They have grown up children who were both really hurt on discovering their father had been behaving like this.

Both children are now married and both without prompting from my friend told her that if their father wanted his new woman (now wife) to be at their weddings she wouldn't be welcome. He attended both without her and to be fair to him and her they didn't suggest she should be there.

Were they right? I think they were. There's been quite a few posts on here about the OW becoming part of OP's children's lives but what is reasonable to expect from children?

Aside from being as polite as one would expect children to be to any person is that as much as should be expected? Parents are obviously expected to be welcoming of their children's choice of partners from day 1 (assuming they are not genuinely awful) but to me that seems far more than is reasonable from children especially children who are still children.

Yogagirl17 Sat 11-Jan-14 10:41:48

Interesting point Caitlin. Mine are 10 & 12 and haven't expressed much of an opinion one way or the other. I think they just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

So...beautiful, cold but sunny morning. Boys lost badly but I made a point of making friends with some of the other parents so if OW ever is there I won't have to stand on my own feeling stupid. Tried to say a polite hello to XH at the end but he ran off. Overall v positive (aside from the score!)

niceguy2 Sat 11-Jan-14 11:04:06

I'd like to say that I do think you have the right to veto her presence.

No she doesn't. It's a public place, she has no such right at all. Hence all the suck it up advice.

To be honest the root cause here is OP is still understandably bitter about it all. And until she can learn to move on and let go of the anger then her child will probably grow up walking on eggshells.

Clearly that's not good for any child. Or OP for that matter.

You can either let the bitterness eat you up and fight for your 'rights' as you see them. Or you can let it go, move on and be happy. Your choice really.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 11-Jan-14 11:54:43

He ran off?! grin

Are they one of those couples? Where he daren't even greet his ex wife with courtesy even when his current squeeze is not around? Maybe that's why she wanted to come? To police the interaction.

BruthasTortoise Sat 11-Jan-14 11:56:54

Maybe he just doesn't like her. I know my DH and his ex don't exchange pleasantries because it's false and they don't like each other.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 11-Jan-14 11:59:32

How pathetic. Especially where you share dc.

BruthasTortoise Sat 11-Jan-14 12:00:11

Pathetic not to like each other? Ok hmm

Sparklysilversequins Sat 11-Jan-14 12:02:58

Pathetic to not even nod a greeting. Especially when HE was the one who went off with someone else.

BruthasTortoise Sat 11-Jan-14 12:05:02

But why would he greet someone he obviously doesn't like? Unless of purse the child was standing with them to and they he should've done so for his son's sake.

BruthasTortoise Sat 11-Jan-14 12:05:45

Excuse the nearly incomprehensible spelling - one handed and bf. smile

Sparklysilversequins Sat 11-Jan-14 12:09:41

Because she's the mother of his dc and if he wants to get to a point where he can bring his GF to these family things then surely it has to start somewhere?

My uncle was married to the mother of my cousins twenty years ago. They split up and he has a GF he's had all that time. His first wife is STILL our aunty, she's our cousin's Mum. Yet he won't even say hello to her and sulks and leaves early if she comes to big family occasions that we invite her to. I do find that really pathetic tbh.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 11-Jan-14 12:10:24

What I mean to say is it has to start somewhere doesn't it, or it ends up like that.

Yogagirl17 Sat 11-Jan-14 12:13:21

Niceguy - I actually never said I had the "right". I didn't "veto" her presence, I said that...for now...I don't want to be where she is.

As for XH running off, he was taking to DS after the match, i started to walk in their direction and XH took off the other way. Sometimes he is friendly, sometimes not. What can u do.

BruthasTortoise Sat 11-Jan-14 12:14:24

Well yes you have a point and it would be better for all involved if they could get along. But it just doesn't sound like that is the case for the OP. I'm sorry if I took you're first point up wrong, I just wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that it's the other woman preventing the ex from exchanging pleasantries - there's every chance that it's simply that he doesn't want to.

Yogagirl17 Sat 11-Jan-14 13:07:16

Sorry - realised I did ask in my OP if I had the "right" to tell her to stay away. However, after initial rant don't quite see it that way.

comingintomyown Sat 11-Jan-14 13:10:50

FWIW Yogagirl the hardest thing post split for me was my DCs involvement with OW and it took me a lot longer to accept than the actual split !

Like everything it gets easier though

SamanthaB Sat 11-Jan-14 21:57:09

YUBU. There are always two sides to everything. It is far better for all concerned if you can all be adult, civilised people. Sounds like you're jealous!!

Thing is, the more a dumped person throws unreasonable tantrums over their XP's new partner, the more everyone else thinks 'blimey, no wonder that person got dumped. S/he is totally self-obsessed and a loser with it.'
And it's hell for any DC involved.

If you get dumped, you have to suck it up. You're not entitled to own another human being and everyone has the right to end a relationship for any reason they choose. It isn't nice to be dumped, sure. But you don't die of it. And being dumped isn't a free pass to be a lifelong 'Boohoo what about MEEEE' at every social event.

comingintomyown Sat 11-Jan-14 23:36:09

My what a charming post SGB

BrickorCleat Sat 11-Jan-14 23:41:00

SGB is right though. Especially about the children.

You simply cannot model self-indulgent petty behaviour regarding new partners. It makes the DC fearful and they begin to lie to protect the parent who's wailing loudest.

Of course it's shit being dumped. But it's hurt feelings not life-threatening.

Ledkr Sat 11-Jan-14 23:51:19

I know how you feel op but you can't do anything about it.
I used to see these moments as an opportunity to show how very gorgeous and dignified I was in spite of their treatment of me.
Trust your bond with your child,
Nobody can infiltrate that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 00:16:24

SGB is right; it's not about the ex-partners or current partners, it's about the children.

Sparkly's earlier post made me shudder at the thought of 'warpaths'. If I were an ex - whether I'd been the cheating partner or not - I'd ignore any such posturing. Nobody has the right to 'square up to' anybody else, (verbally or physically) and that post almost sounded like a boastful 'I still have control'. Pathetic.

I'm glad it worked out for you Yogagirl; it is the shape of things to come though and I think you should be prepared for that. Whether this woman is the OW or not, she's now your ex's partner and has been for some time.

CouthyMow Sun 12-Jan-14 00:39:29

Tiredandsadmum - you CAN limit those appointments about LD's, and even standard parent's evenings to JUST those that have PR for your DS. Data protection deems that if you refuse permission for her to be involved, the father can't override you. Had to do it myself with DS1's OW.

CouthyMow Sun 12-Jan-14 01:14:09

Fuck letting the past be the past. Yeah, I kept my mouth shut and just moaned on here when my DS1's father's OW made life a misery, the woman was a bitch troll from Hell (see 7 years worth of posts by me under various previous NN's), for my DS1's sake, but by fucking CHRIST it was the hardest thing yo do, stay reasonable when I wanted to gouge her fucking eyes out.

At least, finally, DS1's dad has seen sense and left her - but not after the bitch troll turned him into a shell of his former self AND bruised my DS1.

If I bump into her again now...I have the satisfaction of saying EVERYTHING that I've held in for 7 years, as it's fuck all to do with DS1 now.

(DS1 made up his own mind about her over time, anyway, without any input from me. NOBODY who is the OW is a truly 'nice' person, no matter what guff and bollocks they try to tell themselves about how they can't help who they fall in love with or whatever, so eventually the DC's see things for what they really are, even if you are ALWAYS civil...)

It might be 7 years, I might have had 2 relationships since then, but the way that bitch troll ripped my family apart , and then first tried to persuade SS that I was an incapable parent (which went on right up until DS1's father finally left ), then tried to replace me, then becoming threatening towards me when that didn't work, then finally taking that out physically on my DS1, will NEVER be forgotten. And I WILL take GREAT pleasure in telling her that she is going to end up with just what she deserves. Karma is a bitch - and so is your Ex's EX going to Court to provide a witness against her to protect his DC's (my DS1's half sibs, who are GRAVELY at risk from her new partner). He has never hurt DS1. She has. And as I reported it to SS at the time, I have been asked by him to be truthful in court about it.

Yes, he cheated. I'm over that. I'm NOT over the shitty stunts SHE pulled over the years. And I just want to make sure that DS1's (much younger) siblings are protected from her, and her new partner who thinks it's acceptable to leave a machete and an axe in a living room with a preschooler and a toddler (yes, my 11yo took a bloody photo, before he and his father were forced to lock themselves in the toilet and call the police...don't ask!)

CouthyMow Sun 12-Jan-14 01:20:38

It was the first time DS1 had stayed overnight at his Dad's in over a year, and that was the impetus for him to leave her. No, I didn't know how bad it had got. TBH, nor did his dad.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 12-Jan-14 08:29:07

I don't think it's anything to do with being dumped.

It's to do with some people dating people with children and deciding "we're FAMILY now" no matter if there are other breathing, living parents who deserve consideration.

The gf or bf insisting on their rights and the mum or dad forced to acquiesce because its 'all about the children' isnt going to make a long term happy scenerio.

it might be better if step parents sometimes just thought my role here is to love my partner and to support their relationship with the children, the parents can do the rest.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 12-Jan-14 08:30:27

Cowthy - that must have been horrendous!

FitzgeraldProtagonist Sun 12-Jan-14 09:12:47

But it IS all about the children. Their emotions are more important as they do not, have the emotional maturity to broker complex adult emotions (though sadly some seem to be, precisely because of this sort of shit).

DS told me the other day that "Daddy doesn't like [my DP]" they have never met. We [DP and I] met 6 months after our relationship ended. He then said AGE 4 "that made me sad" followed by "[DP] doesn't say that about daddy." It made him sad because he cares very much about DP and DP cares about him. He also cares about his father. He does not want to be put in a position of divided loyalty. It hurts. I never say bad things about the father in front of the children. DS recognized DP wouldn't do that (when DP for a variety of reasons could say a vast amount negative).

It is TOTALLY their father's prerogative not to like DP, but he absolutely should NOT say this to the children or make it clear through his actions. Because it makes them unhappy.

If he met someone else and she wanted to be a big part of DCs life I would be over the fucking moon. Because, I want them to feel loved and supported by all adults, not stuck in the middle of a territory dispute. I would want her to be involved with caring because she would then recognize their father wants to care for and put the children first and that she could not neglect nor sideline either their care or emotions.

What's the alternative? A cold, manipulative woman who turns the father against his children in favour of her, who hurts your children more? A wicked stepmother type who resents their existence to the point she is cruel to them? Weirdly enough I would want him to meet someone who gave a shit about my children rather than someone who viewed them as an occasional inconvenience.

It's been 2 years! GET A GRIP. I am sure it still hurts, you are perfectly entitled to your feelings, but your children's do come first and if they get get an inkling you don't think their father should be with this woman or that you don't like her and he and they do like her, you risk them being upset in the future and wanting to spend more time with the parent that doesn't express resentment and anger quite so palpably.

I say this from my own childhood experience, as well as my current situation. Good luck. Even though it must be horrid, you owe it to your children to at least TRY and get on.

So yes, YABU.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 12-Jan-14 09:25:56

There is an alternative. I'm constantly amazed that people pretend it's either a wicked step mother versus Mary poppins. Absolutely bizarre that people can't imagine a middle way of creating a warm and loving environment around the kids AND respecting the exisiting parents.
Absolutely bizarre that people think muscling in and taking over is the way to go.

I know lots of successful step families and the ones that are were all considerate of the other parents, respectful, took their time, didnt hurry it, didnt force it, didnt try and replace or compete with anyone, they took the long term view.

BrickorCleat Sun 12-Jan-14 09:28:15

other breathing, living parents who deserve consideration.

I think that should be 'living, breathing adults whose children deserve consideration.'

When you have children you HAVE to be the grown up. If you can't manage to, then there are lots of options to help you get things in perspective and protect your children from being horribly damaged by the knee-jerk spite frequently modelled by those blinded by their own hurt feelings.

KingRollo Sun 12-Jan-14 09:33:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 12-Jan-14 09:43:05

Of course she will be the grown up. The ex h and the ow not so much,eh.

lunar1 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:52:52

Couthy, I've read some of your threads in the past, I'm so glad that woman is finally out of your lives!

BrickorCleat Sun 12-Jan-14 10:34:26

I would absolutely want to go at the bitch with a broken bottle

I rest my case.

And yes, I have been in that situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 11:00:43

Wow. It's not about turning the other cheek but it's not about getting on your high horse and trying to control your ex either. I'm assuming that the talk of gouging and bottling comes from a place of hurt and isn't something that would ever be considered in any way appropriate.

I've been in this situation too, it hurts and I've discovered this:

* Believing that Karma exists doesn't mean it does.
* Believe that somebody should get their comeuppance doesn't make it happen - and who knows that you're not the person who it would be levelled at anyway?
* You never, ever owned your partner. You are not the primary person in their life and never were. The child(ren) of your relationship are.
* Being an OW doesn't make you nasty or a skank, ditto being a dumped partner doesn't make you some kind of wonderful Madonna on a pedestal. The generalisations chucked around are ludicrous.
* Your children are very likely to pick up on your bitterness, no matter how much you think you deserve a back-pat for successfully hiding it from them; you aren't.
* If you have children, consideration is given to them - if you get it also, that's a bonus, but you don't get to demand it because you don't have control of anybody else but you.
* If you seek revenge, first dig too graves... I think Confucius said that; it's very true.

The terrific job that you think we're doing as parents will be evident as our children grow. It's up to us whether we heap our 'been wronged' crap on our children and make them carry it around. They'll suffer for it and we'll get that message from them loud an clear when they're older. Why risk it? Some posters are obviously still really cut up and could do with some good counselling - for their children's sake if not for their own.

Totally agree with Fitzgeralds post; that poor boy. Why would any parent do this to their child?

wellthatsdoneit Sun 12-Jan-14 11:14:51

there are lots of options to help you get things in perspective and protect your children from being horribly damaged by the knee-jerk spite frequently modelled by those blinded by their own hurt feelings.

Please expand...

MistressDeeCee Sun 12-Jan-14 11:25:30

Id feel exactly the same OP. When I split with my ex years ago he wanted to bring his ex to the school play, and I kicked off about it. Why the hell should I be pleasant about seeing 2 people who'd had an affair, presenting themselves as a family in front of my face, and in front of our child, and in front of parents and teachers who would know situation immediately if he were to turn up with someone else, and Id made no public announcement about it? Thats what galled me the most..that the 2 of them would want to turn up, then myself & DCs would be the subject of gossip, some of which could reach DCs ears and make them feel bad. In the end the OW backed down which I think was the sensible thing in the circumstances. I eventually got on with her surprisingly enough, but many years later. We're not friends, but we are civil. Its my ExH who's the idiot, and theyre not happy. Im happy with my lovely OH now. But back at that time - no, it wouldnt have worked. Not having my DCs co-erced into meeting anybody.

Good luck OP - hold your head high.Say a very brief hello, blankfaced, then dont be anywhere near them.

My task for today will be to find a way - any way - to insert face like a grieving cod into all RL convos I have today grin

In fact I think you should have that phrase in mind if you do come face to face with the OW, OP. Might put things into perspective & you can maybe have a laugh to yourself...may as well try

Sparklysilversequins Sun 12-Jan-14 11:37:40

"Being an OW doesn't make you nasty" - yes, quite often it does.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 11:39:23

Nasty people are nasty people, Sparkly, sometimes they're OW, sometimes they're not.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 12-Jan-14 11:44:50

confused Obviously.

But if you think it's ok to assist in breaking up a marriage where dc are involved then you probably aren't particularly pleasant or honourable.

BrickorCleat Sun 12-Jan-14 11:47:18

wellthatsdoneit

Counselling is the obvious way to explore, understand and ultimately manage your feelings when something huge happens to you. It's dealt with in private by a professional and you benefit from learning tools to ensure your behaviour and words do not confuse and add hurt to what your DCs are dealing with. Hopefully you also gain perspective and learn ways to help them manage too.

Reading around the subject, either online or library books if money is tight will enforce the messages so eloquently expressed by lyingwitch.

Talking care of your physical health, avoiding booze and sugar and getting plenty of fresh air helps stop the obsessive thoughts and makes you emotionally stronger too.

Behaving in an unhinged vengeful manner where DC witness it is more damaging that many people realise. They are traumatised even further. I really believe as the parent you need to behave yourself and yes, that includes acting like a dignified grown-up.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 12:12:33

<reads back through thread to see where she said it was 'OK to assist in breaking up a marriage... fails to find it>.
=======================================

I think everybody is inherently selfish; they're interested in what's best for their own families - and for themselves. You have no idea of people's circumstances, Sparkly, only your own.

I get a little weary of the spite against OW/OM when logically, it's your own partner that has make a decision to leave you; not your children, but YOU and this is what hurts. Carrying that bitterness around causes damage to your children as well as yourself. Your children are innocent and that wouldn't make you a particularly pleasant or honourable parent either. (insert 'one' in place of 'you' for I mean it in a general, not specific context)

There are some who seem to clutch at ex-partners, believing they still have control of them, can bend them to their will, almost wallowing in the aftermath and refusing to let go of the 'wronged' label. It's unhealthy and long-term, I believe it makes people become ugly inside.

Ledkr Sun 12-Jan-14 12:15:46

Firstly I think it's very easy to take the moral high ground if you've not experienced the pain that an affair/break up causes.
By the time it happened to me I had suffered cancer, a very poorly child, dv (previous partner) and many if life's trials.
I'm well known for being pretty resilient and strong.
However, when I found out he'd cheated and that mine and my children's lives were going to change massively triggered a chain of responses I'd never have expected.
Yes I was bitter and angry, murderous at times even,
I also lost four stones in weight and was a non sleeping nervous wreck.
Not particularly irrational IMO.
Any other life changing, traumatic and shocking events which happen to a person are treated with sympathy and understanding but repeatedly I hear women (or men) being told to "suck it up" or "get over it"
The truth is that's easy to say but in reality is a lot harder to do.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 12-Jan-14 12:21:42

Looking back over the thread I can't see anything like you describe in your last paragraph lying.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 12:48:17

Yes it is, Ledkr, very easy to say, very difficult to do. Even if you have been in that situation; people reach their 'zen point' at different stages.

... and again, Sparkling, I can't see where I said that they were on this thread.

Ledkr Sun 12-Jan-14 13:00:40

It just hits some people in a way that makes them behave or react differently to how you'd imagine.
I'd like to see a bit more understanding of this on these boards.
You'd never say to anyone who's suffered a traumatic event "get over it" people react in different ways.
It's fucking horrible when they turn up at family events all loved up and with the in laws while you stand there all alone boiling with resentment.
Personally i think a bit if sensitivity from ex partners would go a long way.

Monetbyhimself Sun 12-Jan-14 13:12:08

Well said Ledkr. The lack of empathy is astounding.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 13:28:02

I've acknowledged that, Ledkr. There are always events that are traumatic, to varying degrees.

It would be fantastic if ex partners could always behave in a decent and considerate manner, particularly if there are children involved, but that's just not the reality in all cases, is it? What IS reality is that the children of the relationship need to be protected from the angst NO MATTER WHAT.

To a child, they will (hopefully) just know that their parents are not together anymore, they won't know the ins and outs (unless the parent is remarkably self-absorbed), they will take their lead from the parents and it's up to the parents to do their best to ensure that their child can do that without feeling torn or upset or pulled in different directions.

I have plenty of empathy for women who've been hurt and I've said so to the OP. A few of the posters have made my jaw drop and I really hope that they're just venting here. Sympathy isn't what they need, they need counselling before they do some real damage.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 12-Jan-14 13:30:48

Well you described that as a situation, which made me think that was your perception of this thread.

Agree entirely with Ledkr.

CouthyMow Sun 12-Jan-14 13:41:14

I've never said that I wasn't angry at DS1's dad in the past. And if the OW hadn't been such a Grade-A bitch towards both my son and me, over the years, I would have gotten over her involvement a long time ago. It's not the fact that she was the OW that bothers me now, but how many things she has done to hurt my DS1. The latest of which is that she has emptied the bank account he had at his Dad's (she was able to do that as her name was on the account).

He had saved up £120 of his Birthday and Christmas money in that account, that he had received from his Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles on his Dad's side go the family.

He was saving up for a secondhand PS3.

So he didn't miss out, I bought him a secondhand one for Christmas, but it has left me struggling financially, so yet again, I've been left to clear up that bitch's mess for my DS1's sake...

Believe me, I've many reasons to hate her - the fact that she was the OW is so far down the list as to be unimportant these days!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 13:54:37

Couthy... Sorry but where was your ex husband in all this? HE put his children at risk from a psycho, from what you've posted. confused

... and before that, your son's dad stood by and watched this 'Grade A' bitch behaviour. I can understand that you truly dislike the OW, and you certainly have grounds for that, but how does your fury not extend to your ex given that he put his child in harm's way on multiple occasions?

It's very far from the OP's scenario and I know it's the one that you know because it happened to you (and I'm sorry, it sounds horrific), but OP's situation (hopefully) is very different and OW is just ex's partner.

Ledkr Sun 12-Jan-14 14:06:01

lying just so you know, on not necessarily addressing you.
I just feel in general people are expected to be all stuff upper lip about break ups and its not always possible.
Experts have likened break ups to bereavement and you would ever tell a widow to "get over it"
It was personally the worst hurt/trauma I've ever faced.
Add to that watching my sons failing at school or developing a drug habit and my baby dd developing mouth ulcers and extreme clingy ness and I was at rock bottom.
I was aware as a child sw the impact of my actions upon the dc which is why I never slated him or told them about ow (older ones new as she was their friend)
I saved my wine drinking, chain smoking meltdowns for when I was alone but ultimately it was THEM who had caused such hurt to the children not me.
My x luckily had the good sense not to bring ow to family events for a good while as he knew it was inappropriate for everyone involved.
Ten yrs later I am very kind to ow and looked after their dd when she had dd2, they come to parties here and I but them gifts but this took time to get to and I will never forget how terrible it all made me feel and the extreme feelings it provoked in me.

CouthyMow Sun 12-Jan-14 15:46:12

I have dealt with my Ex-H. His perception of the situation was unfortunately skewed by the physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse he was on the receiving end. We have discussed this , and it was the reason why my DS1 spent a year NOT having contact at his Dad's house. His Dad did not know that his (then) partner had devised yo choose the weekend that he was having his first overnight contact with DS1 in over a year to move her new boyfriend into the house while he was still living there - that was the night he found out about her new boyfriend !

It was a cock up by my Ex-H, yes, a lapse in judgement, but most abused people have that from time to time, and he was unaware of his then partner 's plan to move her OM into the house that night, as he was unaware until that point that there WAS an OM.

If he could have done things differently, he would have.

On MN, there seems yo be the impression that only women can suffer DV. I can tell you that is totally untrue, and my Ex-H has lived in a DV situation for the last 7 years, and only truly opened his eyes to it that night. He doesn't drive, or he would have brought DS1 home, but he had no money as she controlled all their income, and couldn't even pay for a taxi. She even ripped the cord out of their Landline when he tried to ring me about sending DS1 home in a taxi, and her OM smashed his phone. The OM told my DS1 that if he called or texted me or the police on his Phone, he would smash his phone too.

It was a God-Awful situation, which I am thankful for my Ex-FIL sorting out and rescuing them, but I don't blame my Ex-H for that, I blame his ex partner and her OM.

CouthyMow Sun 12-Jan-14 15:53:53

His Ex could seem perfectly reasonable and sane to most people , most of the time. The fact that she wasn't was hard for my Ex-H to see at times.

I also feel guilty that I allowed DS1 to go there, and end up in that situation. But he missed his Dad, we had been gradually building up to overnights, as before contact stopped, his Dad shared care 60/40. Due to how much he was missing him, I let him go for the overnight stat. The bitch had been pleasant and 'normal' towards DS1 during daytime visits that gad been gradually building up to a reintroduction of overnight stays, nobody could have foreseen her decision to move in an OM that night, as nobody knew she had am OM.

Still doesn't mean that both my Ex-H and I aren't feeling incredibly guilty about DS1 being put in that situation though, even though it was of HER doing.

Ledkr Sun 12-Jan-14 16:06:29

When I met my dh he had sit with his long term gf a few months earlier.
They still had a house to sort out and cats.
They spoke often.
I remember loving him for the discreet way he handled things if she phoned when he was with me.He saw no reason to brag about bring in a new relationship and neither did he.
My x was a twunt but to his credit he didn't rub ow in our faces,let me keep the house and basically tried not to hurt me MORE.
It's a pity more people can't do this for people they once loved isn't it?

maddy68 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:41:00

You can't stop her but (depending on your relationship with your ex) could you tell him how you feel?

KingRollo Sun 12-Jan-14 17:02:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:25:48

To those of you who are saying "Get a grip, suck it up, stop crying boohoo...". Fuck you. Seriously. Just fuck you. Because if you read the whole thread, you will know that I have been more than dignified throughout. I do not say anything nasty to DCs about XH or OW - I save that for my friends. I willingly agreed to DCs spending the whole of xmas and new year with them and never uttered a peep. Not to the DCs and not to XH. So i'm not constantly throwing tantrums, thanks.

My DCs know who she is and what happened and they know I don't particularly like her. But I have also made it very clear that they are entitled to their own feelings. That it is really OK if they like her. I think they are mature enough to get this.

I do not claim to own another person's life or behaviour and what I did in the end (after venting on here for a bit) was make a request of XH, which he granted. I do know this is the shape of things to come and I AM dealing with it. But in my own time. I love my DCs, i know how much they love their dad and their happiness is my priorty. But I think I also have the right to look after myself and put some boundaries in place if I need them.

As for OW not being bad people. I disagree. Unless the OW truly doesn't know what she is getting into, it shows a basic lack of morals and respect for other human beings. In my case, OW may be perfectly nice, but she also knew exactly what she was doing. She knew he was married with children. She had been in my position when her own XH cheated on her. And when I met her once, during their affair but before i knew about it, she had the nerve to look me in the face adn thank me for being so supportive of their "friendship". And then she hugged me. So I feel justified in thinking she is basically not a very good person at heart.

As for "being dumped" - I think that being betrayed by your partner of 18 years and who you genuinely thought you would spend your entire life with is more than just shitty. It is truly traumatic and life changing - as some have said, similar to a bereavement. And yes, you..I, still have to get over it and move forward. I am. But not all at once and not on someone else's terms. I am actually a trained counsellor (tho not working as one now) and the one thing I came across over and over were people coming to me after a major life tragedy and saying things like, "but it's been a year, it's been two years or 3 - I thought it would be better by now." I learned that these things often take a lot longer than you think. It doesn't take as long as someone else thinks it should. It takes whatever time YOU need to process it. I'm working on it. I've worked on a lot of it over the last two years. I accept their relationship. I'm starting to accept that she is involved in my children's lives, although that bit is still really hard. And now I will have to work on her having some kind of presence in my own life. But I don't have to do it just because she feels like watching my DS play football (it's not as if I banned her from his wedding!). I will do it when I'm ready.

I also agree with the poster who said that there is no reason the new partners can't show some respect for the other adults involved. If, as folks on here keep pointing out, she is going to be aroudn for a long time to come, then there's no rush.

And I will definitely remember face like a grieving cod when I eventually do come face to face with her again. Am sure it will make me chuckle and she can wonder why. wink

Monetbyhimself Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:05

I prefer ' face like a bulldog chewing a wasp' wink

KingRollo Sun 12-Jan-14 18:47:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 18:59:36

Thank you King.

And to Couthy, and others who have been through far worse - who's DCs have been harmed emotionally or physically by exes or ex's partners - god, I am so sorry. That is horrible. XH was very emotionally abusive to me for a long time after we split and that would include things like making up lies about me to DCs to try and get them "on side". But things seem to be moving in a better direction now. Maybe he's had counselling (ha, ha!), maybe he's stopped blaming me for his affair. Who knows, maybe the OW told him to stop acting like such a prick. So while I still don't trust him for a second, I know he does a good job of looking after DCs and I know they are loved and cared for.

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:19:30

Oh, and Ive changed my mind about one thing. If you find out that your mild-mannered chemistry teacher husband is actually a meth dealer...you're allowed to have an affair. grin

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Sun 12-Jan-14 22:26:13

Oh love. You've been through an awful time. Stay strong. You're doing ok. <hug>

VoyageDeVerity Sun 12-Jan-14 22:53:33

I think you have made it look to your ex and his new partner, that you are very jealous and emotional about the split.

You should have gritted your teeth and held your head up and got on with the day. It would have made you seem strong. I think saying to him in so many words that you can't cope with seeing them makes you look v weak. Definitely don't do it again if this comes up another time.

Lilacroses Sun 12-Jan-14 22:53:49

Take care op, it sounds like you've had a bloody awful time. It is so horrible when you are trying to be the bigger person all the flipping time and your ex keeps being an inconsiderate sod. My ex (who had cheated on me several times) moved her new dp to the same town we both live in and then asked me to get her work at my school!!!!

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 23:03:53

I'm not jealous, I'm just finding it hard to cope with them all playing happy families - it's not the same thing. And you know what? I didn't feel strong enough to face them this weekend. Maybe it made me seem weak. So be it.

Lila wow, unbelievable the cheek of some people! My XH moved OW & her DCs to 1/2 mile up the road from me but wouldn't dare ask me to so much as recommend a hairdresser for her much less get her a job! Really, the fucking nerve of some assholes.

Oh - and just in case anyone hasn't heard of Breaking Bad, the crack about the meth dealer was a joke.

If someone posted 'I left my partner because I was unhappy and now s/he is giving me all kinds of shit and insisting that I can't be seen in public with my new partner' then the responses would generally be 'tell him/her to get over it and fuck off.'

Yes, sometimes a DC's other parent will take up with someone who is horrible/abusive/dangerous, but the OP here hasn't posted anything to suggest that her XP's new partner is a drug-dealing, kitty-strangling, blood drinking maniac - just someone who the XP chose over the OP. And the more people get unreaasonable and vengeful over the simple fact of being dumped, the harder it is for people who have genuine concerns over a co-parent's new partner to get taken seriously. which, again, is not good for any DC caught up in the situation.

If someone posted 'I left my partner because I was unhappy and now s/he is giving me all kinds of shit and insisting that I can't be seen in public with my new partner' then the responses would generally be 'tell him/her to get over it and fuck off.'

Yes, sometimes a DC's other parent will take up with someone who is horrible/abusive/dangerous, but the OP here hasn't posted anything to suggest that her XP's new partner is a drug-dealing, kitty-strangling, blood drinking maniac - just someone who the XP chose over the OP. And the more people get unreaasonable and vengeful over the simple fact of being dumped, the harder it is for people who have genuine concerns over a co-parent's new partner to get taken seriously. which, again, is not good for any DC caught up in the situation.

If someone posted 'I left my partner because I was unhappy and now s/he is giving me all kinds of shit and insisting that I can't be seen in public with my new partner' then the responses would generally be 'tell him/her to get over it and fuck off.'

Yes, sometimes a DC's other parent will take up with someone who is horrible/abusive/dangerous, but the OP here hasn't posted anything to suggest that her XP's new partner is a drug-dealing, kitty-strangling, blood drinking maniac - just someone who the XP chose over the OP. And the more people get unreaasonable and vengeful over the simple fact of being dumped, the harder it is for people who have genuine concerns over a co-parent's new partner to get taken seriously. which, again, is not good for any DC caught up in the situation.

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 23:30:40

Whatever solid im sorry my problems don't meet your criteria.

BlingBang Sun 12-Jan-14 23:38:06

SGB - that's not really the case here and you know it. Think it's perfectly reasonable for the OP to speak to her ex about this as she is really struggling and to ask for some consideration so this kind of thing can be managed and eased into a bit more considerately.

We know you have brass balls and think everyone should just be able to deal with things like you can but the Op is just not ready or feels strong enough yet. She actually sounds like she is dealing with it, not some self obsessed spiteful bitch but just someone who is legitimately hurting and trying to deal with it best she can.

Think folk have been really inconsiderate on this thread.

Lilacroses Sun 12-Jan-14 23:56:40

I have a friend who tells me she hates her ex after 15 years and only wants him and his ow to be unhappy. Now that is bitterness that is actually hurting my friend. Op is completely different to that.

I know yoga. Some people thought I was BU to say no! I wasnt even horrible about it.

Lilacroses Mon 13-Jan-14 00:03:22

SGB being dumped by your spouse of 18 years who is cheating on you with someone else is NOT a simple fact at all. Add to that the fact that they then start encroaching on your own life with your children? It must be bloody horrible and incredibly painful. Yes people move on etc but I don't agree that if things were reversed people would say the ex was bu. I think they would say be sensitive and give them time.

Neverending2012 Mon 13-Jan-14 00:06:53

Keep reminding yourself it's about your son playing at a match - he's most important in all of it.

wellthatsdoneit Mon 13-Jan-14 00:11:12

Actually SGB, I think if someone posted - "I had an affair and left my partner because I was unhappy, and now my ex doesn't want to see me and the affair-partner at our dc's football match/school play/other event" I think the poster would be told to stop being such an insensitive arse. What you've posted is not at all the same situation as the one posted by the OP here.

It is grief and we all deal with it in different ways and to different timescales.

Yogagirl17 Mon 13-Jan-14 07:17:23

For those of you who have been supportive, thank you so much. xx

LynetteScavo Mon 13-Jan-14 18:44:57

Good news that she agreed not to turn up! x smile

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