More of a WWYD...

(63 Posts)

Browsing a dating website, I've just come across a friends partner. They've been together 6 months, site says he has been online within the last 30 days. Describes himself as looking for fun but nothing serious.

Do I tell her? I'm angry on her behalf!

Argh what a horrible thing to find! I found my (at the time) boyfriends best friend on a dating site once (checking to see if the boyfriend had been on blush ). I'd only met his girlfriend twice so didn't feel like I could say anything to her.

I think you should tell her though. I would have had I known that girlfriend beyond basic small talk. As it was I didn't because I didn't know anything about their relationship or if it was something she may know about. If you know your friend thinks it's exclusive, I'd tell.

Haha I was browsing to see if the guy who dumped me on New Year's Eve has reactivated his profile yet, as that's where we met!

I'm going to have to tell her aren't I? I'd hate to upset her but she's just moved in with him and is head over heels in love. I'm trying to think of a rational explanation before I go rocking the boat, but the photo, location, user name, description etc is 100% him sad

NatashaBee Thu 09-Jan-14 02:42:03

I would drop hints/ ask her whether she'd had an 'are we exclusive/ have you deleted your dating profile' conversation with him.

Oh no, she lives with him! That makes it even harder for you! At least if she knows she can make an informed decision rather than being blissfully unaware. Your poor friend sad

Bogeyface Thu 09-Jan-14 02:49:22

How about an email?

"Hey you!

This is difficult because I dont want to get this wrong, but you need to know this. I thought an email would be best so you can process it and then call me when you are ready.

I found this (insert link but attach screenshot incase he deletes it) online when I was cyber stalking [your ex]. As you can see, he has been on this site in the last 30 days so this is not an old profile.
As I said, call me when you are ready.

All my love

Juliet"

ComposHat Thu 09-Jan-14 02:49:55

I'd not do anything at this stage as you have no definitive proof he's cheating or if they're in an 'exclusive' relationship.

If you run to tell your friend, you run the risk of your friend accusing you of being a shit stirrer, snooper or the person who wrecked her budding relationship.

I'll tell her, I've got to; she's one of my best friends and if it was me, I'd want to know. Why are men such bloody bastards? sad

Compos they've moved in together and I know it's serious/exclusive, at least on her side.

sykadelic15 Thu 09-Jan-14 03:38:11

I'd go in person to see her on a day when he wasn't there.

I'd say, "I was stalking X on that dating site Y and while I didn't find X I did find something I wanted to show you." and show her the site. Tell her you didn't want to cause her pain but that you thought she should know that it appeared he'd been active in the last 30 days.

Might be an idea to set up a fake profile and see if he "bites" (only if she's okay with it). Just in case he tries to claim that he only logged on, or was "active", to get info on cancelling his account but it takes time (or something like that).

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Thu 09-Jan-14 04:42:06

I would probably invite friend round for a cuppa wine, get on the conversation of your ex and see if he had reactivated his profile on the dating site whilst she was there. you never know what you both might stumble across whilst you are stalking your ex wink

that way you haven't actually chucked in the spanner and friend will see what she needs to see smile

Custardo Thu 09-Jan-14 06:08:29

if you get her round to your house, you could get online to check the fella who dumped you together, in a ' oh lets see what x is doing now' and then you could say ' dya want to see if your dps profile is still up ?'

Great minds think alike smile I was thinking the best way would be for her to find it herself. I had narrowed the search down to a very specific age, location etc so there weren't that many results to go through.

Bit of an update and more of a WWYD... I've now spotted TWO partners of friends on an online dating site. The second one has been online today, is after fun, no strings sex, and has been in a relationship with my friend for 4 years, got engaged Christmas Day angry

I'm going to have to stop browsing dating sites; I feel sick to the stomach that I'm now privy to information that two of my good friends really should be aware of. I'm 100% sure that neither of these is a case of mistaken identity; both have a clear photo, have used their real names as part of their user names, correct age and location and both have been online recently enough to know it's not an old profile set up prior to their current relationships.

What the actual fuck do I do?? Can't cope with wrecking two mates relationships! Do I throw a "LTB" party? Help!

Worried3 Sun 12-Jan-14 01:21:36

Don't know a huge amount about dating websites, so perhaps being naive- is there any reason why they might have logged in without actually doing anything (so logging in is counted as activity)? Maybe they were just logging in to "cyber stalk" someone- like you did. Ok, I guess it's a long-shot, but that's the story their likely to give.

Be careful, the tendency is to shoot the messenger. Perhaps best if you could "let her find out herself" as you outlined. Or just say "look, i found this when cyber stalking my-ex- I don't know the significance of it, but thought you should know" and leave it at that.

Bogeyface Sun 12-Jan-14 01:27:16

How about "Sorry, but you need to see this" with a link and screenshot?

How fucking stupid to use their real names and photos?!

I guess that could be the explanation for the first one I found, but the second has a very recent picture of himself in their newly decorated lounge, so at some point in the last few months, he's logged in and updated his photo. If it were just an account he used to cyber stalk, surely he'd remove the message about wanting no strings sex? Or maybe he's just really, really stupid... I'm really at a loss as to how to approach this. I realise it's not really any of my business, but they're both good friends that I see regularly and I don't want them getting hurt sad

Merel Sun 12-Jan-14 01:32:06

I'd make a fake profile and message him, see if he replies

BillyBanter Sun 12-Jan-14 01:49:51

In the first one it may be that as the relationship developed he just stopped going on there rather than deactivating and he got an email that he got a message and logged on in idle curiosity, or even accidentally clicked on an email on his phone so logged as going on there. It's even possible that he chats to people on there as friends. I used to have someone who was not suitable for me but we'd chat sometimes when online. it has a forum too. Or he has a nosey once in a while which isn't great... Also I've looked at profiles for friends or even on forums which would log as activity on my okc account. The realatively innocent possibilities make this one the most difficult to know what to do with.

The second one it seems very unlikely to be anything other than him looking to cheat on his partner.

Bogeyface Sun 12-Jan-14 02:02:45

You are pussy footing around, are you going to tell them?

Sorry, but I was the wife so I am thinking "just tell them already!"

Good luck x

littleblackno Sun 12-Jan-14 02:21:00

I would want to know, but then I found my exh profile on a dating site. (I was stalking him long story!)
I agree to message them and seem if they reply.
not a good situation to be in though. sad

Right I've set up a fake profile and messaged them both. First one, the one I was thinking might be a mistake, has messaged me back already asking where I am and if I have any pictures I can send him. Guess that answers that question then...

Bogeyface yes! I'm going to tell them! just want to make sure I'm right first before I go upsetting peoples lives sad

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Sun 12-Jan-14 02:59:10

Oh dear what an awful situation.

rightsaidfrederick Sun 12-Jan-14 03:46:39

How dreadful but at least if they know now they can avoid getting in deeper and ending up with heartbreak compounded by divorce, kids, a mortgage and all the other stuff that they'll get themselves into otherwise.

They may not see it quite that way at first, but ultimately you're doing them a favour.

rightsaidfrederick Sun 12-Jan-14 03:47:56

On a side note, I never have quite recovered from finding my dad on a dating website! (Parents divorced decades ago!)

CheerfulYank Sun 12-Jan-14 03:49:07

I would most definitely tell.

ihatethecold Sun 12-Jan-14 07:20:55

I don't think you should be messaging them with fake requests, you just getting yourself in deeper.
Just tell your friends.
Let them decide what to do.

Literally all I messaged was "Hi there smile" I've not engaged in conversation, just wanted to know whether they were active accounts or not. Second one not replied yet, but if there's nothing by the end of today, I'm deleting the account as, being as his photo is very recent, I'm fairly convinced he's actively seeking someone. Seeing both friends this week, separately, so guess I'll break the news then sad

Euphemia Sun 12-Jan-14 09:50:25

sad

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Sun 12-Jan-14 09:55:22

Good luck telling your friends. It's the right thing to do.

MammaTJ Sun 12-Jan-14 11:28:08

You have to tell them, I would want to know.

How awful for you and for them.

zipzap Sun 12-Jan-14 11:38:44

Could you get your friends to help you look online with you and see if they can spot anyone that looks good for you? Then they could discover it for themselves...

Terrortree Sun 12-Jan-14 12:58:55

I think you are doing the right thing however can I caution you that you could potentially lose two friends.

I did something similar and as the 'bad new bearer', I became the one in the wrong. Some people really do prefer to live in blissful ignorance.

That said, I would want you as my friend.

Halfrek Sun 12-Jan-14 16:03:59

This sucks OP but you are doing the right thing.

CakePunch Sun 12-Jan-14 16:12:57

Is there a way you could tell them but not say its you. Letter through the door or something? You may well get shot as the messenger.

BuzzardBird Sun 12-Jan-14 16:14:29

God, poor you Juliet. Bet you feel like the grim reaper? I remember your ny post, did you have a good one in the end?

BuzzardBird New Year's Eve was a whole other thread! Ended up in hospital with a head injury due to getting very drunk and falling over blush

Things are looking up now though!

BuzzardBird Sun 12-Jan-14 16:26:16

Oh god, yes sorry, I remember now blush hope you have a much improved 2014...hope we all do smile

What a hideous position to be put in! OP if you are my friend tell me I would rather know!

Good luck wine

Thank you smile I'm not looking forward, in the slightest, to being the bearer of bad news, but, if the shoe were on the other foot, I would want to be made aware.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 12-Jan-14 19:39:57

Do it before they get pregnant for crying out loud. If you can't do it face to face, print out the screen shot with today's date on it, and pop it in an envelope and send it to them.

Could you act a bit stupid/naive?

'Dear Friend

Opps, just found this <insert link> whilst searching on the site, looks like <insert name of asshole b/f> forgot to deactivate it - better remind him now you're all shacked up'! smile

RandomMess Sun 12-Jan-14 20:29:46

I hope you've got copies of the info where you messaged them and they replied so they can't wheedle out of it!

I'm going to do it face to face when I see them both this week. Can't drive at the minute so I'm not able to get to see them sooner.

Just an update:

Couldn't wait til I saw them in person as it was playing on my mind too much. I've sent them both an email along with a screenshot of their beloved's dating profile and just a lighthearted message saying, "Was surprised to come across this the other night when I was cyber-stalking myself ex! Probably an old profile, so might be a good idea to mention it to him to remove it, as it gives off a bad impression and it's been worrying me a little if I'm honest! You know where I am xx"

The screenshots clearly show that they have been active very recently. I'm not going to mention the little chat I had with one of them unless I have to.

Hope I've done the right thing, I've been worrying like crazy sad

RandomMess Mon 13-Jan-14 21:48:11

I think you have done the right think - you've alerted them without being shot. The may choose denial but there is nothing you can do about that.

TheNightIsDark Mon 13-Jan-14 21:51:50

Definitely the right thing to do. I hope they're both ok. What a shitty thing to do (the blokes, not you!)

The friend whose boyfriend messaged me back has just texted to say thanks for letting her know, she's currently shouting at him and in a right state but appreciates me telling her. Bloody bastard sad

foslady Mon 13-Jan-14 22:02:56

You have done the right thing OP, hard as it was to hit send. I hope if God forbid I ended up in their situations I have a friend like you. No one deserves to be treated like that by someone who claims to love them

I know I've done the right thing, I just feel bad that I've caused an argument between them but she needed to know. Not heard from the other friend yet, but I think she's working late tonight.

foslady Mon 13-Jan-14 22:28:43

But you'd feel far worse knowing he was making a fool of her......

True!

DoJo Mon 13-Jan-14 23:16:42

And if he was having sex with someone else, he could have been exposing your friend to all kinds of STDs - you would have felt awful if her health had been affected by not knowing about this.

Bogeyface Mon 13-Jan-14 23:29:32

I just feel bad that I've caused an argument between them

Did you put his profile on there? Did you make him go out tomcatting?

No.

So you didnt cause an argument, he did. Just keeping everything crossed that she doesnt believe the lies he will inevitably tell her sad

VelvetDuvet Mon 13-Jan-14 23:50:26

What a pair of arseholes. sad No doubt he'll be coming out with all kinds of bullshit excuses. Terrible position to be in for you OP.

JainaProudmoore Mon 13-Jan-14 23:57:05

Those poor women sad
Well done OP, you did the right thing!

Well, first friend hasn't texted me again, however she's updated her fb profile picture from one of him and her, to one of me and her taken at a concert last month! I'll ring her tomorrow and check if she's ok, or if she needs anywhere to crash for a few days.

Second friend not responded to the email yet, but I don't think she finished work til 10 so probably not had chance to read it yet.

I'm proper off men at the minute, having being unceremoniously dumped on New Year's Eve, and this really hasn't done anything to convince me that I ever want to meet anyone else sad

HairyGrotter Tue 14-Jan-14 05:26:46

You definitely did the right thing. I'd want to know and if they shoot the messenger, then so be it. At least you acted with wholly good intentions.

Don't go off men, OD is pretty horrible, but it can pay off. I met my fiancé online dating and we're getting married in September, he's amazing, but there ain't half a lot of fucking pricks on there to sift through confused

CheerfulYank Tue 14-Jan-14 05:29:47

Good for you!

TheSlug Tue 14-Jan-14 05:45:09

Well done OP, you did the right thing.

pantsjustpants Tue 14-Jan-14 19:24:41

Vvb

RacheyMo2 Wed 15-Jan-14 10:24:54

You definitely did the right thing OP. As much as I would hate to be told this from a friend, if want to know!!
Hope all went well!! Xx

plainjanine Wed 15-Jan-14 12:29:18

Yep, you did the right thing OP. Shitty as it is to be the one breaking the news, you have dome them a favour and shown some backbone. That's what being a true friend is all about, eh?

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