to wait until my toddler is old enough to reason with about her own bed?

(71 Posts)
jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 14:51:29

My dd is 19 months old. She bfs and co-sleeps at night, as did my now 6 year old who stopped feeding of her own accord at 2.5 and moved to her own bed a few months later without any fuss. I'm getting to the stage where I'd like my bed back and dd is beginning to understand laying down, being quiet etc when asked so I don't think she's too far off being able to reason with about sleeping in her own bed. Dp, however, wants her to move out now. Her being there doesn't affect him at all (she doesn't kick etc) and he isn't volunteering to try anything to get her in her own bed. Aibu to wait a few months and do it at dds pace?

GlitzAndGiggles Sun 05-Jan-14 14:54:38

Have you actually tried her in her own bed?

It's his child, he is allowed an opinion. DD loved her bed, no need to 'reason' with her.

peggyundercrackers Sun 05-Jan-14 15:05:10

19 months and shes still in your bed? sorry i think thats far too old to be sleeping with parents at that age - our DD was in her own cot by 4 months, she slept in a basket previous to that from when she was born - I didnt want my baby in bed with me at all but not in a bad way, just think its a bad habit to get into as we have friends who still have bother with their DD and shes 6 and wont stay in her bed.

jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 15:06:10

Not yet. She's very much used to bf and co-sleeping and wouldn't yet understand why everything has changed meaning she'd be hysterical which could make the process take longer in the long run I feel. Her understanding is improving every day though and she's currently got back teeth coming through so I think waiting a couple of months would make all the difference

Nancy66 Sun 05-Jan-14 15:06:39

I'm not really into negotiating/reasoning with toddlers and babies.

you're the parent. you make the call.

Flisspaps Sun 05-Jan-14 15:10:53

I'd hang on a bit, if that's what YOU want to do.

You are projecting a lot onto her. You know you she would be hysterical. How? Suck it and see. I think maybe you like sleeping with her. No issue with that but important to acknowledge.

Fairylea Sun 05-Jan-14 15:11:56

Well its completely up to you isn't it... and if you're the sort of person into Co sleeping then do it as long as you like.

However if your question is more whether she would be able to learn to sleep on her own, well I think that could have been done a lot sooner than now. Both my dc were sleeping all night in their own rooms (with a good baby monitor so I could hear them) from about 7 months.

I never let them cry, if they were unsettled I'd just go in and pick them up and when they were calm I'd put them back down again and keep doing it. Eventually they got the hang of going to sleep really well on their own.

At 19 months and if she is eating well during the day there is no real reason why she should be wanting to feed at night or sharing your bed - it's just up to you as a parent what you think is ok! smile

Asheth Sun 05-Jan-14 15:15:29

What does your dh suggest? I co slept with all my three dc and if you're happy with it then there's nothing wrong with it. If your DH isn't happy then i think he's the one who should be thinking of strategies to get her in her own bed.

A compromise might be is that she starts sleeping in her own bed but can come in with you if she wakes in the night.

jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 15:18:23

MrsTerry she begins to cry in the time between me turning the light off and climbing into bed beside her, she would be inconsolable at the moment. I agree he should have an opinion but if he isn't dealing with night times or affected by my choices, which he isn't, then I don't feel his opinions should overrule what works for dd and I

jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 15:22:27

He doesn't suggest anything or intend to help. He just wants her out. Also known as more sex I feel! His dc were left to cry and he doesn't see the issue. However several years later they still wake up 4-5 times per night whereas my elder dd sleeps really well anywhere. It may not be connected but I think he thinks that's the only way to get toddlers to sleep alone which I disagree with

SantanaLopez Sun 05-Jan-14 15:23:44

He must be affected by having a small person in his bed!

I really don't see why you need to 'reason' with her either, you sound very precious.

Artandco Sun 05-Jan-14 15:26:54

Have you considered putting her bed in your room? So she's close but not same bed. It's on the right step out but not pushy.

Saying that both our children are still in our room at 2 and 4 ( but own beds). It works better as either dh or myself work from home a lot so we use the 2nd room as office ( which is tiny and will only fit bunk beds which they are too young for ATM)

Peggy- it's not recommended that a baby under 6 months sleeps in any other room other than with parents ( day and night), so I wouldn't encourage people putting 3/4 month olds in a room alone

I disagree with a lot of the previous posters, I don't think reasoning with a toddler is 'precious' at all! I still co sleep (and bf) with my 2.5yr old so for me it seems perfectly normal and I'm happy to go at my child's pace. In my opinion talking to, explaining and reasoning with a child helps them to understand, feel valued and respected, so please don't let other posters put you off if you want to carry on co sleeping. Everybody parents differently, if you're happy and your child is happy then it's working for you! If I were in your situation I think I'd be talking to my DH and explaining why you want to continue rather than moving your child before she's ready.

jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 15:31:03

We have a super kingsize bed Santana, she lies directly next to me and sleeps all night. How does that affect him?

I plan to do that Artandco as her bedroom is on a different floor. He still says that isn't good enough though. He thinks a few nights of her screaming the house down (with me dealing with it and elder dd being woken) means she'll then sleep 12 hours a night forever.


Your husband sounds cold.

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 05-Jan-14 15:32:48

If you're happy with it and he's not then tell him he will be the one doing the sleep training, getting up to put her back in bed 70 times a night might change his mind. Mine slept in my bed until around 3 years, I loved it. You'll never get that back, once they get used to there own bed that's it.

somedayillbesaturdaynite Sun 05-Jan-14 15:32:54

you may be waiting a VERY long time if you want to reason, my 6yo still wont go to bed without a battle

jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 15:33:41

Thank you pie smuggler. I enjoy co-sleeping but am looking forward to being able to sleep on my tummy again! I don't see the point in rushing her though if a couple of months wait means it's done without any upset

I don't think cosleeping or BFing are precious, neither do I think reasoning with a toddler is precious. However, I do think entirely discounting a partner's views, saying he isn't affected is wrong. He is affected in the following ways (at least):

His way of parenting his other children is questioned
His sex life is affected
His sleep is affected
He may feel his child is being affected.

whether you think these reasons are good enough to affect your joint decision as parents is up to the two of you.

GlitzAndGiggles Sun 05-Jan-14 15:35:37

I think you should at least give it a go. She can't sleep in your bed forever and the longer it's left the harder it'll be. Just because it worked with your eldest, doesn't mean it'll work for the baby. My dd went straight from our room to her own at 6 months and slept right through. Trust me it's worth trying

jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 15:35:55

Someday - people said that when my elder dd was still feeding at co-sleeping at my toddlers age. She's slept every night since around 30 months in her own bed all night and has no desire to sleep in my bed whatsoever

jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 15:42:22

His sex life isn't affected MrsTerry. We have sex everyday at least, he just thinks with dd in her own room we'll have more. I think there'd be less as I'd be up and down with her all night

Rhubarbgarden Sun 05-Jan-14 15:45:57

I can understand why your dh wants her out of your bed. I don't think you should ride rough shod over his opinions just because you like co-sleeping; when do you get 'couple' time if your dd is with you all day and all night as well? I think co-sleeping is fine if all parties want to do it, but if they don't then you could risk eroding your marriage.

Was he enthusiastic about co-sleeping from the start or was it something he just tolerated? If it was never something he wanted to do but acquiesced because you wanted to, I don't really see why he should be the one to make suggestions as to how you break the habit now.

somedayillbesaturdaynite Sun 05-Jan-14 15:49:40

my son, my eldest doesn't wish to sleep in my bed and never has (own room since about 12 months and stayed in bed all night etc), all dc are different and I don't expect dd to change now. I did nothing different with either dc while babies. the thing is, it's easier to at least teach them to stay in their own room before they learn to scale or undo the baby gates ;)

He thinks his sex life is affected. Maybe it isn't but he thinks it is. You seem to be saying that your opinion is all that matters. I'm just saying his does too.

I would leave her where she is. We do what ensures the whole household gets as much sleep as possible. Which is far more bloody important than sex grin

funnyvalentine Sun 05-Jan-14 16:08:05

Nothing wrong with co-sleeping, or sleeping on your tummy while co-sleeping with an older child. But I don't think it'll necessarily be easier to move her in 2 months smile ok, you can reason a bit better, but they have more awareness and can be stubborn if they don't want to do something!

Catsize Sun 05-Jan-14 16:38:05

We co-slept with our son (now just turned 2) and intend to co-sleep with no.2. One of my favourite parenting things has been co-sleeping, and a very natural choice for us. A baby in its own room and cot at 4mths?! No thanks!
When our son was 13mths, I saw a lovely single bed for him in the sale. He was with us, he got very excited about it, so when it was delivered, we put it up. I felt it was a bit early, but he was walking from end of nine months and able to get in and out (of a fashion), and because he had shown such an interest, we gave it a go. Had nice bedding with tractors/boats etc. And he has been fine ever since. Had he not been ready, that would have been fine too.
Still sleeps with us occasionally, if poorly etc., or if we go away, but transition has been quite smooth. We had stopped breastfeeding by that stage though, so that might make a difference.
If you can ignite your child's interest in getting a new bed, involve them in choosing it, and bedding etc., it might just work! Agree that I would definitely not want to leave them to cry, and that would undo so much of your good work so far.
At least our story negates the 'he'll still be in your bed when he is 15' brigade.

BitchyFestiveFace Sun 05-Jan-14 16:56:56

YANBU, I'm with you OP. I'm a great believer in co-sleeping with toddlers and think moving them on at their own pace is optimal. With DD that was aged three, and with DS it is happening now, gradually, at five. Being able to reason and understand and have some say in things makes for happy, secure sleepers, in my opinion. If some think that is "precious", fine - I've got two happy little kids who go to bed every night willingly and don't wake until the morning, and we endured precisely zero nights of screaming / upset to get to this point.

Yanbu. I would buy her bed (make it a funky one) get her to help build it and choose the bedding. Then put it next to yours because she's a big girl now and can have a big girl bed all of her own. Then when she's adjusted to that you can plan the move into her big girl bedroom.

Coldlightofday Sun 05-Jan-14 16:57:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tailtwister Sun 05-Jan-14 17:05:43

YANBU. Both of ours co-slept until well over 3 and moved into their own beds with absolutely no fuss. If you leave it until they are ready it just happens naturally.

That said, I would try her now and see how she gets on. She may take to it straight away and if she does then everyone's happy. If she doesn't I wouldn't push it. Just leave it a while and then try again when you think she's ready.

It was very clear when both ours were ready to go. They had both stopped bf and were enthusiastic about the idea when we mentioned it. Have a chat with your DH and agree a plan. 19 months is still very young imo, although I'm sure lots of people will disagree.

poshfrock Sun 05-Jan-14 17:19:56

To all those who are saying that your baby should sleep in the same room as you until 6 months, what do you do if there's no room for a cot in your bedroom? My DD was too big for her Moses basket by 8 weeks so she went into her cot in her own room. My only experience of co-sleeping is when my SIL tried it with her baby who was 2 weeks younger than my DD. He died in bed with her. She accidentally smothered him. So not something I was going to try.

CatsRule Sun 05-Jan-14 17:48:12

We co-sleep with 21 month old ds. He is a terrible sleeper, always has been, and while dh, more than me I admit, would prefer him in his own room, we both recognise none of us would get any sleep that way and we both work full time. Not ideal but you do what your situation requires you to do. We have tried and tried but he just isn't ready. When I put him in our bed he does sleep better.

PLus ds won't be tiny for long so I say enjoy it.

Artandco Sun 05-Jan-14 17:49:32

Posh - it's not just use saying that. 6 months is the recommendation by the sids website and any baby stuff from hospitals etc etc now

For many people that might mean moving cheat of drawers/ wardrobe from main room into what will babies room I make space. Or pushing double bed up against wall to make space. Some put a single in babies room and one adult stays there. Etc etc

For us we have x2 cot beds along wall, a small gap, then our bed. Both children are perfectly happy with arrangement and I haven't the heart to move them.

So many cultures in the world always sleep in one room their whole life. I have a friend from a South African tribe originally. She said years ago that babies back home never cry. I didn't entirely believe but on visiting her family a few years back I could see she was right. Babies/ children are strapped to mother, continuously comforted, fed all day and night on demand and co sleep for years. In a communal room with 20 babies it would be rare for one to cry.

GlitzAndGiggles Sun 05-Jan-14 18:08:44

Sorry to hear that poshfrock! That was always my biggest fear even when my dd was in her moses basket. When I bf'ed I was so tired I'd sometimes fall asleep with dd on me and anything could've happened! sad I've always vowed to never Co sleep again for that reason

poshfrock Sun 05-Jan-14 18:22:52

Double bed already against wall. Baby's room tiny. About 3m x 2m. Certainly no room for a single bed. I couldn't even lie down on the floor without my feet sticking out the door and I'm only 5ft 5. We already moved chest of drawers out to make space for Moses basket but still not enough room for cot.

Bodypopper Sun 05-Jan-14 18:31:20

You have sex every day but he wants more.... And your post is about a toddler sleeping in her own bed! grin

Look op you will get a million different views on here as we all parent differently. I bf but as a couple we couldn't sleep with babies in bed with us so used a basket and later a cot but that's OUR choice.

Do be careful here to not say 'me and dd' as much as you do because it really sounds like your main concern is your dd and you are belittling your dhs opinions.

I agree with the poster up thread too, we didnt negotiate with our was our way or no way and 'hysterics' were not tolerated.

We negotiate/d with our teens as they are at the age to need this. IMO toddlers just need telling.

Perhaps you need another chat to dh and work out an action plan together. He needs to be onboard and help you.

Pigsmummy Sun 05-Jan-14 18:39:46

Is DP your babies father?

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 05-Jan-14 18:42:08

Well I do think you need to respect his opinions. He's her dad he's entitled to have one.

There are two of you so you do need to agree on this. Or at least have him understand why you disagree with him. Tbh you are sounding superior. That you have somehow done a better job with your dds than he did.

I don't go in for negotiation either. I'm the parent they do as I ask.

I hope you can come to an agreement together.

foreverondiet Sun 05-Jan-14 19:48:51

TBH I think she is quite old now to still be co-sleeping and if your DP isn't happy with it anymore, then as she is 19 months he is being quite reasonable to say its time she is in her own bed.

Toddlers aged 19 months do not need to feed in the night. They might want to for comfort but at that age are capable of sleeping 7pm-7am in their own beds.

It might take a few nights to get her used to it, I guess its up to you how important your relationship is.

revivingsnowshower Sun 05-Jan-14 19:58:29

If she is the sort who is a bit clingy and wants to be with you 24/7 this doesn't always go off as she gets bigger. When she is old enough to reason she will ask you how come mummy and daddy can share a bed but she has to sleep alone even though she is scared. That is my dd btw, who used to co-sleep. So I don't think it will be easier at any age.

SoonToBeSix Sun 05-Jan-14 20:11:51

Posh you remove all other furniture then, putting a baby in their own room at eight weeks is dangerous and cruel

Coldlightofday Sun 05-Jan-14 20:12:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm in the same situation as you op, except me and dp have no problem with co sleeping.

I hate when people say "they don't need to feed anymore" who decides this? It's rubbish, even if they didn't need to feed for sustenance then who says that their need for comfort is not a "need"?!

Anyway, I understand what you mean when you say she would be hysterical about moving, I kmoe my ds woild be too

Didnt finish!

Also, wondering why you can't sleep on your tummy? I am breastfeeding and co sleeping in a super kingsize bed too with 18 month old and manage to sleep on my tummy...

thegreylady Sun 05-Jan-14 20:23:32

Does she go to bed at the same time as you? It all sounds a bit claustrophobic to me but your child etc... however it is also your dp's child so maybe look for a compromise.Will she nap in her own bed?

Monka Sun 05-Jan-14 20:44:55

We are on a separate floor to where my dd (5 months) will eventually sleep. i also co slept and bfeed and my baby hated the Moses basket. Plus co-sleeping meant that I got 9-10 hours sleep (interrupted 2-3 times for feeding) a night from early on. I think my dd could smell me and it meant she didn't wake that quickly. I bf laying down in a safe position so if I fell asleep I wouldn't smother my baby and it worked well for me.

At 15 weeks we pushed the cot up next to the bed and dd has been sleeping in it ever since. I think dd got used to the bigger space in my bed so the move to her cot was easier ( or maybe she was just ready for it.) Can this or a bed be something you try as another poster also suggested?

DD is in her grobag and can see me from her cot so she's been fine. I place her in the middle of the cot and she always moves to the side of the cot closest to me. She now only wakes for one feed during the early morning. It was my DH who also insisted on moving dd to her own cot but I'm glad he did as it worked for me and dd.

loveandsmiles Sun 05-Jan-14 21:17:14

YANBU. I have 5 DC and all have BF and co~slept. Eldest co~slept until 5years, others have been around 2years and baby (10mths) is co~sleeping now. We have a super~king bed and have super~kings in 3 other bedrooms ~ the children sometimes sleep alone in their rooms or they co~sleep with each other ~ basically, as long as everyone is happy! they can sleep where they like! smile

They have all moved to their own rooms of their own accord and they all sleep the night through.

I appreciate this will not suit everyone but it works for our family. However, my DH supports this ~ it would be very difficult if we had differing views. Can you and your DH somehow reach a compromise? You do have to consider him too.

ilovesmurfs Sun 05-Jan-14 21:22:26

We have co-slept won't all five of ours, youngest is just three and still in our bed. We have a toddler bed in our room for her to go into but she isn't interested in it yet.

Our elder ones all co-slept then moved into their own beds and own rooms age 2-3ish no problems.

Am sure dd will as well but we have no reason to make her, we have a big bed, dp and I are both happy to have her in our bed, they are only little for such a short time.

Of your dh was prepared to actually get up in the night and deal with her then I would say try it, but as he is leaving it all up to you then do what is easiest for you.

Ime they grow out of needing to cosleep and yes as her understandign grows it will be easier to talk to her about it.

ManualSpaniel Sun 05-Jan-14 21:33:30

OP do whatever gets you the most sleep.

Your DP has a say in the matter, but when there's a difference of opinion in this regard I think your view holds most weight. You're the one getting up, resettling, etc.

If he wants to do the night settling and try it - then hand the reins over. You can get some peaceful nights sleep grin

If it was me and my DP was being affected by cosleeping, I'd suggest he slept elsewhere for a short time. The time they are in bed with you is short in comparison to the length of a relationship.

We've compromised here. DD goes down for the first half of the night in her own room and on first proper waking (usually about 2am) she gets in with us.

harriet247 Sun 05-Jan-14 21:35:50

How do you have sex with a toddler in your bed?seriously?

ilovesmurfs Sun 05-Jan-14 21:38:04

Dont know about the op but toddler sleep and you can have sex in places other than a bed...

Annunziata Sun 05-Jan-14 21:39:04

Can your DH sleep somewhere else? Spare room?

I know you are saying she doesn't kick, but she is still an extra person in bed, there is extra heat, and he might just feel uncomfortable with her being there.

Either you sort out a new place for him to sleep, or your DD goes into her own bed. I also think you are mad to try and 'reason' with a toddler.

Ham69 Sun 05-Jan-14 21:40:34

Haven't read other replies but I say go with your gut instinct OP. My DD co slept with me until about 2 as far as I can remember and weaned herself off bf. She now sleeps all the way through every night in her own bed and is very secure and confident. I think what you're doing is great and believe you're setting her up to be a well balanced and confident individual.

harriet247 Sun 05-Jan-14 21:40:51

I feel a but sorry for the dp blush

Annunziata Sun 05-Jan-14 21:41:17

So do I harriet.

ilovesmurfs Sun 05-Jan-14 21:44:30

Oh yes the poor dp who gets sex every night despite them havign2 a toddler and doesnt deal with any of thr nigth wakings, thst must be really hard...

oadcb Sun 05-Jan-14 21:46:39

Cosleeping is normal! Except in western society it would seem.

OP you are doing a great job! Get a single bed for her room. Sounds like you'll get more space in bed.... Your DP can sleep in her room if he's so bothered

jacks365 Sun 05-Jan-14 21:46:59

Jingelmel you mentioned that your dd cries in between you turning the light off and getting into bed so can I assume she goes to bed at the same time as you in which case when do you get any time for you?

I had to stop co-sleeping with my dd and move her into her own room because having someone near her was more distracting and since going in her own room she's slept a good 12hours a night or more whereas before she was waking up and wanting to play.

Annunziata Sun 05-Jan-14 21:47:40

Doesn't or can't? I am guessing that if she is still breastfeeding, she'll want her mum at night.

oadcb Sun 05-Jan-14 21:48:04

Ffs sex doesn't have to just happen in bed!

harriet247 Sun 05-Jan-14 21:48:20

No in that it should be a family decision not a mother/child one

harriet247 Sun 05-Jan-14 21:49:14

And I wasnt trying to be an arsehole with the sex comment, it was genuine astonishment

TheFabulousIdiot Sun 05-Jan-14 21:54:00

Ds is three and doesn't even have his own room yet. I think you are perfectly normal. I would like DS to have his own room though, and have plans underway to create one.

PeggyUndercrackers' post made me roll my eyes.

Also there's nothing more annoying than another person telling you something should be done a certain way without wanting to get actively nvolved in making it happen and so for that reason your DH is an arse ;)

ManualSpaniel Sun 05-Jan-14 21:56:53

Harriet I agree it should be a family decision, but, if you both disagree on a way forward someones opinion has to hold the most weight.

In this case - it's whoever is actually doing the night wakings IMO.

harriet247 Sun 05-Jan-14 22:00:16

Indeed manual

jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 22:09:39

Thank you ilovesmurfs that's how I feel. Friends of his haven't had sex for months/years despite doing their share of night wakings, IMO he gets the best of both worlds. He wants her in her own room rather than just own bed in our room so we can have more sex without the risk of waking her. And we don't currently have sex in our bed for whoever asked, there are plenty more rooms in the house! I don't go to bed at the same time as dd either. I lay down to feed her to sleep at around 8.30 then am downstairs with dp til dd wakes at around 11 p.m when I'm ready for bed anyway.

mercibucket Mon 06-Jan-14 09:26:27

he prob wants lazy bedtime sex instead of make an effort sex. grin
we were the same. about that age or a bit older we got her a bed and did up her bedroom, then she slept there and came into our bed around midnight by herself

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