To feel upset about being ignored

(35 Posts)
Dustypeas Sun 05-Jan-14 02:15:22

Not able to sleep as I feel upset about an incident today at my parent's house. I was invited over to see my aunt/uncle and cousins whom I haven't see for a while. Unfortunately ds was ill and had to leave him at home so took dd. travelled over - a trip of about 10 miles. Other guests arrived and we sat down to eat although my db and sil had not arrived. Parents hadn't put out enough chairs and so when db and sil arrived my dd and I gave up our chairs and then said we would be in sitting room. Everyone had finished but didn't come through and then we went back and said we weren't being unsociable but didn't want to stand in kitchen and then went back to sitting room. Again nobody came through and my dd started to say that she needed to go home to study as she has exams - decided to wait for another 15 mins and then as we were still alone got annoyed and went back and said we had to go as dd had to study. At this point dm got up and said they were just coming through. Too annoyed to hang around so said our goodbyes and went.
Feeling a bit petty now but think this has a bit of a history to it where I feel undermined by my family - won't go on about it here but just writing this down has helped me see why I was upset. Feeling guilty and stupid about it but I see where the roots are.
Nice just to write it down tho xx

Didn't want to leave you unanswered.

Sounds petty and mean of them, not to mention rude. I'm glad you left, this isn't a kind way to treat your family. As you say, it undermines.

Hope your DS recovers soon and DD does well in her exams.

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 02:52:48

If your parents and the guests who arrived after you hadn't seen each other for some time, perhaps they were just engrossed in talking to each other. Also, if any of them were the type to launch into long monologues, where everyone else just has to sit and listen, ( I know people like this!) rather than engaging in to-and-fro chat , it may have been difficult for your mother to intervene with a suggestion that everyone moved through to the sitting room.

I agree, though, that after you went through to remind them of your, and your daughter's presence, one of your parents should have ushered everyone through to the sitting room where everybody could have a seat and enjoy each other's company. After all, the whole point of the occasion was to socialise, and you and your daughter weren't being given the chance to join in. I don't blame you for feeling a bit hurt and left-out.

If, as it sounds, you were left waiting for 20 -30 minutes on your own, I'm not surprised that you began to feel that it was a bit pointless to stay - after all, no-one was showing any desire for your company, and it was a humiliating position to be be put in. You decided to vote with your feet and I don't think you can be criticised for that.

I'm sure there was no deliberate intention to hurt you or leave you out of it, but no-one (brother and sister-in-law. and guests included) showed consideration for you and your daughter so, equally, nobody could blame you for leaving.

Adeleh Sun 05-Jan-14 03:28:26

Poor you. YANBU. But it can sometimes be really difficult to get a word in edgeways to suggest moving. Took me about 45 mins the other day at a party to say I had to go. So maybe they were thinking of you more than you thought. They should have done much better though.

winkywinkola Sun 05-Jan-14 05:48:19

You did the right thing to leave.

After the first reminder, the guests should have been ushered into the sitting room.

Why was it you who gave up your seats btw?

winkywinkola Sun 05-Jan-14 05:49:18

And in future, simply leave if you're not happy. Hanging around hoping to be treated like a normal person never works.

fiverabbits Sun 05-Jan-14 06:52:33

This reminds me of the visit my DH and I along with our 16 year old DS made to DH'S sister, nieces and brother who live 200 miles away. We hadn't seen them for eight years. We was there one hour and not one person spoke to our DS. Then when everyone had had a cup of tea my SIL said that they were going to play cards. I could tell that she wanted us to go and she didn't even come to the front door to see us out. Seventeen years later we haven't been again and as they don't come here we have not spoke to them again. My DS doesn't remember who they are. The rest of DH'S family are the same as well.

MidniteScribbler Sun 05-Jan-14 08:21:31

Why didn't you just ask for a couple of extra seats? Or grab them yourself and take them outside. This was your own family home, why were you sitting around expecting to be waited on like royalty? Just get another chair. It doesn't seem all that hard.

Greenmug Sun 05-Jan-14 09:16:32

I would have shoved my head round the door and yelled 'Oi ya ignorant gits, get your arses through here and talk to us' but I do appreciate not all families are like that.

KingRollo Sun 05-Jan-14 09:20:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FredFredGeorge Sun 05-Jan-14 10:01:29

So you gave up your seats for some new arrivals, and instead of sitting on the floor or standing or getting some more chairs and chatting to others you announced that you would be in the other room? You then went back and said "we don't want to stand in the kitchen" and left again, before getting annoyed enough to leave entirely.

Maybe everyone else wanted to stand in the kitchen, why do you dictate which room people stand in? Likely the impression you gave by leaving the group in the first place was that you didn't want to chat to them then - that you wanted some quiet time - they gave it to you.

YABU

Joysmum Sun 05-Jan-14 10:23:13

You didn't want to be in the same room as them. It would have killed you to be with them for 10 mins and then say you'd like a sit down too and migrate to the other room. Doing what you did YOU were the one doing the snubbing, you then further snubbed everyone when you couldn't even stay for an extra 5 mins as everyone decided to swap to your preferred room. Very very rude on YOUR part.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 05-Jan-14 10:28:56

What would have happened if instead of going into the other room, youd have said since there isnt enough room for everyone here, why dont we all go through to the other room so we can all chat?

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 10:40:35

No, it was obvious that the OP and her daughter gave up their seats to the new arrivals because there was no room to accommodate any more people at the table - it was the polite and considerate thing to do to allow the new guests to eat. The implication of her post is that there was room for everyone to sit comfortably in the sitting room but not in the kitchen.

Why should the OP and her daughter sit on the floor in the kitchen - at a different level from everyone else - when everyone could have sat comfortably and chatted easily in the sitting room? The normal procedure would have been (and it is obvious that the OP, who knows her family situation, thinks this) for everyone to go through to the sitting room after the meal and relax there to chat. To ignore her obvious wish to be included was inconsiderate on the part of the others and made her, and her daughter, feel insignificant which was hurtful. Families are not always kind, or fair, to every member.

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 10:44:05

No, it was obvious that the OP and her daughter gave up their seats to the new arrivals because there was no room to accommodate any more people at the table - it was the polite and considerate thing to do to allow the new guests to eat. The implication of her post is that there was room for everyone to sit comfortably in the sitting room but not in the kitchen.

Why should the OP and her daughter sit on the floor in the kitchen - at a different level from everyone else - when everyone could have sat comfortably and chatted easily in the sitting room? The normal procedure would have been (and it is obvious that the OP, who knows her family situation, thinks this) for everyone to go through to the sitting room after the meal and relax there to chat. To ignore her obvious wish to be included was inconsiderate on the part of the others and made her, and her daughter, feel insignificant which was hurtful. Families are not always kind, or fair, to every member.

TiffanyAtBreakfast Sun 05-Jan-14 11:03:43

I don't think 20 minutes is a very long time for someone to eat their food.

Couple arrive. Greet everyone, you give up seats, they are served with food. (5 mins of faffing) They then eat their food but it is most likely interspersed with conversation from other guests, which slows down the eating a little bit as they answer people / join in the conversation. (15 mins easily).

Then perhaps they really were about to move into the other room. As you kindly offered your seats up, everybody probably thought you were fine and dandy in the other room and really weren't expecting you to be sitting there fuming.

I think you're a little bit U on this one, but then if you say there is a back story or they have form for this kind of thing, perhaps it's understandable that you're a bit oversensitive.

Rhubarbgarden Sun 05-Jan-14 11:09:12

Hmm. I think if no-one had followed me into the living room I would have gone back to the kitchen and asked the host if there were any spare chairs anywhere so I could stay with everyone else in the kitchen. It's a bit odd to sit sulking about it in another room. It sounds a bit petty to flounce off home because of it.

SavoyCabbage Sun 05-Jan-14 11:12:25

I think yabu. Instead of removing yourself from the main gathering, another way around it should have been found. Such as the arrivals eating in the living room or the parents or someone else getting up at starting to clear up, thus freeing up some seats.

Or children, if there were any sharing a seat. I sat on a sewing box for my Christmas lunch because there were not enough chairs.

BrownSauceSandwich Sun 05-Jan-14 11:39:40

OP starts by saying parents didn't put out enough chairs, which, to me, implies that there were other chairs available and room for them in the kitchen. Well, why not just a) go and get them, or b) stay where you are and let latecomers go and get them.

If I was to offer up my seats, it'd be because I didn't mind standing/sitting on worktop to chat, not to go and sulk in the other room.

Nancy66 Sun 05-Jan-14 11:42:11

I think you took offence where none was intended.

sitting around the table chatting is the easiest and most relaxed thing for most people. You offered your seats to people who hadn't yet ate (nice of you) but you didn't have to leave the room. I suspect that while it's you thinking the others were rude they were prob thinking the very same of you.

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 11:53:36

I'm with you, OP!

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 12:04:01

I'm with you, OP!

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 12:07:14

Sorry about the double posts! (It's not because I'm outnumbered, honest ...)

doasyouwouldbedoneby Sun 05-Jan-14 12:13:12

I'm also with you OP

Bettercallsaul1 not quite so outnumbered now smile

Lweji Sun 05-Jan-14 12:17:45

How on earth did they invite all those people in and didn't have enough chairs?
They should be the ones to get up and eat in the lounge.

Next time, ask if there are enough seats. If not, don't go, don't get up or leave immediately. They'll get the message. The more accommodating you are the worst people like this behave.

And they were incredibly rude to you in not joining in after finishing the meal.

BillyBanter Sun 05-Jan-14 12:24:06

It rather depends on the info you are not telling us.

EssexGurl Sun 05-Jan-14 12:33:38

We get this at ILs sometimes. We live 4 hr drive away. SIL 20 mins and she goes to lunch there every day. One visit DH and I sat in the kitchen feeding DS (who was a toddler and needed coaxing to eat). FIL, MIL, SIL, BIL all sat in the living room chatting. Completely ignored us. They had seen SIL for best part of an hour the day before. They see us a few times a year. We see SIL even less, possibly once a year. But they still didn't want to talk to us.

I think you were right to leave. I would have left on the above occasion if I could have done. Still rankles years later.

NightOfTheCactus Sun 05-Jan-14 12:59:29

I think sometimes people just need to say what they mean rather than being all passive and cryptic. If you were feeling lonely in the sitting room, perhaps actually asking if it might be a good idea for everyone to migrate to the sitting room would have been better than the "we're not being antisocial but..." thing, that could indicate to some people that you were actually OK or wanted a little alone time.

Also unless there is a physical reason why you could not stand in the kitchen talking, then presumably you were making an active choice.

Sometimes you need to be a little more proactive yourself in situations like this. It would be great if everyone picked up on little hints and social cues and everyone was happy - but not everyone is good at such things.

Mind you, it sounds like this thread is about more than this incident - it sounds like stuff in the past needs to be sorted out. I personally don't think that sulking and hinting at your needs rather than being more explicit will necessarily help you in the long term though...

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 13:24:00

Thank you, doasyouwouldbedoneby! I was beginning to feel lonely.

winkywinkola Sun 05-Jan-14 13:29:04

It's up to the hosts to make sure all guests are happy and involved.

Poor hosting IMO.

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:14:58

Hear hear, winkywinkola.

InsanityandBeyond Sun 05-Jan-14 14:43:33

I did something similar and I totally get where you are coming from. A few years back when DC4 was a newborn, I wanted to show him off to my family so arranged it with parents and travelled 200 miles (all 6 of us) which took about 5 hours as bad traffic. On arrival, we were told that parents had to take (27 yr old) brother out the next day to help him find a car. I was a bit pissed off as they suggested we come that weekend. DH and I had to sleep on a airbed in the dining room downstairs (which was flat by morning) as my younger sister would not give up her room or take her 4 year old DS in with her (they were living with parents a both had their own rooms, brother also would not give up bed). The next day, parents and brother left at around 9am, sister and nephew left at 10am (as she had arranged to go shopping). At 5pm we left and went home despite being supposed to stay until the next morning. My mother was furious to get home at 6pm and find we had gone and could not understand it at all hmm. We had spent the day in their house on our own, no one had wanted to hold DS, in fact my stepfather outright refused when I asked him to hold him so I could go to the loo and I felt really as if no one gave a shit about me or my family.

That was the catalyst for a confrontation with my mother about my abuse as a child and I am now NC with all of my family (their choice) and is something that in one way validates my memories of the way I was treated (I could never cut contact with my DD just because she questioned awful stuff that happened to her when she was a child!) but has been really hard to 'get over'.

OP I am with you. You probably WERE being over sensitive but perhaps with good reason?

Dustypeas Sun 05-Jan-14 16:35:55

Hey thanks all for the posts. Don't worry those who felt I was being over sensitive - I have been beating myself up about it all day. Unfortunately there is a bit of history with mother being manipulative and generally unsupportive. Next time I will definitely treat it more lightly and tell them all to come through a bit more forcefully. Have to say it didn't help that dd kept saying she wanted to go and once I'd thought - F it we might as well- it was too late to go back on it.

Thanks for lovely comments - it really makes a difference especially when you think you have been a bit pathetic x

P.s. Ds much better

Dustypeas Sun 05-Jan-14 16:49:17

Btw really feel for you insanityandbeyond - your situation much worse than mine and I would also have been really upset which would have resulted in a confrontation and lots of stuff being dredged up.
Must be very hard but I don't think you had any choice about confrontation and it really sounds as if you're better off without them xx

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 20:09:10

I'm glad you're feeling better about it all, OP - thanks for coming back and telling us how you are.

Sensitive or not, I still think you were treated very inconsiderately and were not at all unreasonable to feel hurt. I'm glad that you're devising new strategies to deal with similar situations in future!

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