AIBU to think this girl needs a slap

(201 Posts)
RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 22:30:33

This girl who use to hang around with us was always around trouble stealing, running away, violence, drinking, smoking, drugs you name it she did it.

I kind of moved on and she moved to a different area we had each other on Facebook but don't speak. She got pregnant and proclaimed it was going to be the making of her hmm well it wasn't unfortunately she was constantly telling the Facebook world how SS were on to her and were going to "kidnap" her baby. She had and was given a chance and after a few photo's of her changing the child with her feet holding the bottle in it's mouth with the caption "you bitches can't multi-task like me" status of how she had to go through DNA because she'd slept around and drug test because she was taking her child to be around people whom do drugs she got miffed at the world because SS took the child away.

She still see it but lashed out at everyone with a child on Facebook stating she resents them because SS are C**t's and stole her baby hmm they don't know what they're doing even one remark about how all the SS are is a paedophile gang leader taking and giving children to paedophiles?!?!

She's now telling the world of facebook how at her next contact she's just going to take the child and run because nobody will stop her and despite having no job, money or home she can provide better than these "paedophiles hmm because it's going to be adopted yet she constantly refuses any help

AIBU to think that maybe if she didn't constantly accuse the SS and fill her Facebook full of shit like this she may have more of a chance I try to hide her post but some just creep on in

JumpingJackSprat Sat 04-Jan-14 22:32:55

You're no friend of hers. Do her a favour and defriend. She is clearly having a hard time. Do you just have her on there to judge her?

Belchica Sat 04-Jan-14 22:34:07

Delete her off your FB 'friend' list. Unless you actually consider her as a friend, in which case try and offer some help (although she sounds beyond it).

hoobypickypicky Sat 04-Jan-14 22:34:26

"I try to hide her post but some just creep on in"

They won't if you click on 'unfriend'.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 22:35:01

No. I have tried to help but she doesn't want to know. Many people in our group have offered her to come round and talk about it we could see what we could do in ways to help. Yet her answer to that is she'd rather get drunk. Now nun of us are old she's 18 we're in our 20's

eatmydust Sat 04-Jan-14 22:35:57

nobody needs a slap. YABU

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 04-Jan-14 22:36:00

Some times the action of a good friend is to actually point out where someone is going wrong rather than just agree with them when they are acting like a knob

LiberalLibertine Sat 04-Jan-14 22:36:28

YABFU to start a thread just to slag her off.

Sounds like she had a troubled childhood, and more her baby has gone, funny you think you should either try and help out just leave her alone?

Droves Sat 04-Jan-14 22:36:29

Dont think slapping her would help .

Sounds like shes venting anger on facebook . Poor girl has issues and needs help . The baby is probably better off in care . So sad , drugs do terrible things to peoples lives .

SoleSource Sat 04-Jan-14 22:37:16

YANBU hopefully the child will now have a chance at a happier time in childhood.

really? if she's not a good friend, why do you even care?

LynetteScavo Sat 04-Jan-14 22:38:10

If her status updates are upsetting you, delete her as a "friend".

I don't think a slap will do her any good, or help her see sense, so YABU.

It sounds like a very sad situation all round.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 22:39:53

Vampy Suppose cause she is a mum whether she has her child or not. I would never put myself in the position she has to lose her child I'd still hate the thought of it. I sympathise with her for that just not her actions

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 22:40:10

Who do you think should be the one to actually slap her op?

JumpingJackSprat Sat 04-Jan-14 22:41:05

Still doesn't excuse the fact that your op is so nasty and judgemental towards this woman. Do you think she liked having her baby taken away? Do you think she was happy growing up stealing, running away, taking drugs? Most people with a happy stable home life don't do that. She's 18? Barely an adult for fucks sake.

You say you have tried to help her, how exactly when you say you don't speak to her? Your op reads as though since you last spoke she has had a baby and had it removed so whats that at least 9 months. I think you should look very hard at why you have her on your Facebook. Is she a form of entertainment for you?

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 22:42:10

JoulesAnyone/thing that could make her see sense personally, that her actions, friends and words are making her situation worse

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance Sat 04-Jan-14 22:42:11

If I were you I'd block her and have nothing more to do with her

I don't blame you for being frustrated with her behaviour, but at least her poor child is away from her now and really the only one she's hurting is herself

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sat 04-Jan-14 22:43:49

She sounds deeply unwell and very troubled. It doesn't seem like you like her so just defriend her altogether. Easiest way to not see her updates etc etc.

nilbyname Sat 04-Jan-14 22:43:52

Horrible nasty thread title.

Feels like mn bingo

WorraLiberty Sat 04-Jan-14 22:45:18

Exactly what JumpingJackSprat said...they've saved me typing it.

OP, instead of rubber necking over your morning cup of coffee, just defriend her.

Although you'll have to replace your entertainment obviously...

i'd be more concerned about the welfare of the child which is presumably satisfactory at the moment. she must really have messed up to have her kid removed from her care, i would struggle to stay friends with someone like that but i would go no further than 'defriending' tbh.

JabberJabberJay Sat 04-Jan-14 22:45:55

She needs a slap? Really?

Your OP sounds very judgy. If you don't like what is appearing in your newsfeed then unfriend and block.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 22:46:14

Jumping I never said she liked it, It would break my heart if anyone took my DC. She choose to steal and take drugs. Not everyone who has a bad childhood does those things.

I already stated that above. No she isn't entertainment far from it

HesterShaw Sat 04-Jan-14 22:47:35

Oh dear, how sad sad

Both this girl's situation, the life of that poor child, and you seeing fit to start this thread. How on earth would a slap help anyone?

What she needsis a few realfriends to help rather than judge her.

WorraLiberty Sat 04-Jan-14 22:48:43

Right so she's not entertainment, you don't talk to her, she makes you cross.

Remind me again why she's on your friend list?

Delete her off Facebook and leave her alone. People like you who cream themselves over other peoples lives are gross.

actually ralph that's maybe the most sensible thing you've said so far - 'not everyone who has a bad childhood does those things'. a bad childhood can't be blamed for everything.

that came out wrong. i just mean it's possible to do great things in spite of a bad childhood and many people do.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 22:51:55

Vamp I haven't had a particularly good childhood i didn't steal or take drugs. I also never ran away.

why not delete her? she'd be so much better off OFF facebook too.

LedareAnsley Sat 04-Jan-14 22:54:07

But sometimes running away is the only option. It can't be classified as a bad thing along with taking drugs and stealing - both of which can also be indicators of abuse.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 04-Jan-14 22:55:01

Why are you defending yourself? Its voyeurism pure and simple. Unless you can explain why you have her on your friends list? She clearly isn't a friend or you wouldn't have thought about the thread let alone done it.

MrsBungle Sat 04-Jan-14 22:57:21

Unfriend her. It's very simple.

agree that drugs and stealing don't necessarily make someone a bad person but i would hope that if i had these issues, i would recognise that i wasn't the best person for my child and would sort myself out. facebook doesn't help either.

LiberalLibertine Sat 04-Jan-14 22:58:00

Hang on, you really have no idea of her childhood do you? She may be carrying burdens you can't even imagine, do please don't try the 'I turned out alright' you are not her.

Buzzardbird Sat 04-Jan-14 22:58:04

IME people don't 'run away' from nothing. You need to learn more about humanity IMO

KellyHopter Sat 04-Jan-14 22:58:34

Yes, she sounds like someone most normal people would want nothing to do with.

Nothing much you can do, she's a mess and her child has been removed. Shit people exist.

Maybe all you need to do is ask yourself why you'd have someone like this in your life? I'm sure there are people who love her and will overlook her twattishness, but that's not you, she's just an old acquaintance so why still have her hanging around? You know most people manage to go through life avoiding people like this? What do you get out of having any sort of involvement with her? I imagine the answer to that isn't one you'd want to acknowledge.

notoneforselfies Sat 04-Jan-14 22:58:59

What are you asking for here? Our advice on how you can help her? Because if so then you should have worded the post better, as at the moment it sounds like you're just slagging her off and asking us to join in with you in berating this girl. Which no-one will really have an interest in doing given we don't know her and the full story. It all sounds quite tragic. If you are her friend then don't talk about slapping her and don't start slating her behaviour on a forum. If you are not her friend then remove her from your Facebook contacts and refrain from passing further judgement. Too many people keep those they don't like as part of their Facebook contacts to give themselves something to sneer over and feel superior to. Don't be one of them.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:00:26

Jumping She's on my FB because we use to talk when we lived in the same area, I moved had my DC grew up a bit, she moved away had her DC spoke to her once in the mean time to offer help, she'd rather get pissed. Hid her post after the whole "all of SS are paedophiles are gang leaders" and a couple more slipped through like today how she was going to run away with her child. It made me think she really needs a bit of sense.

that is why she was on my Facebook okay with you?

LittleDoris Sat 04-Jan-14 23:01:15

My old school friend had her two kids removed. I tried to support her, but it soon became apparent that SS had made the correct decision.

Her fb feed did really get to me. And despite me loving her as a friend, I had to step back, for my own health and my own kids. I deleted her off my fb because I don't want to nosey at the misery that is her life.

And I know exactly why she is the way she is. Yes, people can do great things despite a bad childhood, but sometimes its just too much to overcome.

Delete her OP. Leave her to it and get on with your life.

Or just slap her. Yeah. That will learn her. hmm

RandyRudolf Sat 04-Jan-14 23:01:47

I feel quite sorry for your 'friend', it sounds like she lives quite a troubled life. I hope one day she gets some peace of mind and her life settles down.

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:05:28

Oh well, maybe done random bloke will pick her up and give her a few slaps..... You'll be happy then op??

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:05:48


RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:05:56

by slap I meant slap some sense however just gathered you'd get the jist... apparently not

She's gone from my FB from a mother to a mother I feel for her, I've offered to help she'd rather get drunk. SS obviously have a reason but still it's her DC. She however isn't helping herself and by the time she realises it'll be to late

CoffeeTea103 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:06:02

You sound very immature. Instead of trying to help her, you choose to speak so badly off her, even choosing to do nothing is better than posting this.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:08:03

Coffee If you read it, I've said I tried to help her, she'd rather get drunk.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sat 04-Jan-14 23:09:19

What coffeetea said - neither of you sound mature enough to have children. I say this as someone who had my DD1 at 19.

LittleDoris Sat 04-Jan-14 23:10:03

SS obviously have a reason but still it's her DC.

You say that like you don't think they have done the right thing.

You need to stop seeing her relationship and feelings towards her DC as the same as your feelings towards your DC. They just aren't the same.

For whatever reason, she isn't a good mother and SS have made the best decision.

notoneforselfies Sat 04-Jan-14 23:11:03

No-one is asking why you were once friends on Facebook with her OP so the back story justification isn't necessary, it's why you are now. I'd suggest you're not the right person to help her or 'make her see sense', as a slap is not actually helpful in this scenario. So, leave it to someone closer to her/more supportive/better qualified, delete her from your friend list (why bother blocking her statuses first unless you want to keep her there to rubberneck at?) and move on.

TheMaw Sat 04-Jan-14 23:11:14

What is the point of this post, what advice are you looking for? 'Should I give her a slap?' No, that won't help. 'Should she stop slagging off SS on Facebook?' Probably, but her life sounds terrible, so she probably needs to vent.

Um, that's all I can think of. Leave her alone or help her. It's yucky that you've started this post to have a dig.

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:12:04

You have spoken to her once you said!!! How is that trying to help?

You've spoken more about her here than you actually have done to her. You've hid her fb feed so you don't have to interact/see her

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:13:00


I know they've made the right decision obviously but she must love her DC like I love my DC still. Well I like to hope she does!

Topaz25 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:13:58

She has had a hard life but at some point she needs to take responsibility for making changes and if she is calling social services paedophiles rather than accepting there were valid reasons her baby was removed it sounds like she is not ready to do that. You have offered help but if she's not ready to accept it there's not much you can do, it must be frustrating.

I am concerned that she has threatened to abduct the child at the next contact, I really think someone should anonymously report that to social services. Hopefully she is just venting but she does sound unstable and she is probably desperate if the baby is due to be adopted. I think hopefully these meetings are so supervised she would not be able to get away with it but it could be harmful to the child if she tried.

LimitedEditionLady Sat 04-Jan-14 23:14:05

Unfriend her or whatever it is people do on flipping facefuck.You are making something that has diddly squat to do with you an issue to you.Its none of your business,you dont need to read her posts,you dont need to pass comment on her and shes not a subject for you to have conversation about with anyone.Why you are posting about this is anyones guess.Leave her alone and find somethong else to bother yourself with.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:16:27

Topazz Maybe one of her friends will but I thought SS could see Facebook etc, I know the police can.

LittleDoris Sat 04-Jan-14 23:16:57

I know they've made the right decision obviously but she must love her DC like I love my DC still. Well I like to hope she does!

She probably does. In some way. Its still no justification for you to judge her.

I can understand how frustrating it is, seriously, I have been there. But you need to move on. You being frustrated isn't helping anyone.

DamnBamboo Sat 04-Jan-14 23:17:59

You sound horrible and some friend you are.

Nobody ever needs a slap.

Kleptronic Sat 04-Jan-14 23:18:15

Well I've felt the same about a 'friend' and the only difference between me and the OP is that I've learned enough about the MN code of conduct to know not to start a thread with a title like that. The behaviour of my (now ex) friend did leave me wanting to slap her though.

Just so you know OP, slapping people is wrong, writing someone should be slapped is also wrong, slapping people is wrongy wrong wrong wrong wrong and against the law. grin And rightly so. <hoiks bosom>

However, the thought police haven't come and got me, yet, and I'm assuming the OP was frustratedly thinking aloud rather than truly advocating face palm time. Possibly AIBU was not the place for it.

Anyway peace and love and sparkly stuff.

musicismylife Sat 04-Jan-14 23:18:39

You have her on facebook because you like to gloat in the fact that your life is somehow superior to hers.

The tide will turn.

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:20:14

And as she lives in a different area I'm interested to know what help you actually offered her?

morethanpotatoprints Sat 04-Jan-14 23:20:15

Ah, poor love must be having a real hard time and sounds like she has had little support throughout her life.
You should be ashamed of yourself OP you are not a friend. Is she one of those people you befriended on FB to make it look like you have lots of friends sad

LimitedEditionLady Sat 04-Jan-14 23:22:47

This makes me mad,i bet you sit around discussing her with your friends.Makes you look a bit pathetic really if im right,you will say im not but be honest with yourself and you might learn something about yourself as a person.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:23:34


Haha peace, love and Sparkly stuff to you too!


Never once said gloat in the fact that your life is somehow superior to hers

Nobody's superior than anyone. She made some stupid decisions via her FB and evidently in life. It's frustrating seeing her treat people like this and others offering to help yet drinking is the answer. However nothing I can do. She's gone off my FB I'll still sleep tonight as every other night.

i do think all the 'poor girl' posters may be a bit hypocritical - if someone had posted complaining about ss being 'paedophiles' and whatever else this girl has supposedly said, she'd be getting a hell of a hard time.

LimitedEditionLady Sat 04-Jan-14 23:26:09

Omg if theres nothing you can do and youll still sleep why you writing a thread about it?

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:26:34

limited Sorry but nope she's not. Doesn't come up in conversation with the friend I see, I'm not a people person and only have one friend I see with her DC so sorry.

Morethan Once again, if you count under 35 friends as lots of friend then so be it. My FB is pretty shit in comparison to others

Thants Sat 04-Jan-14 23:26:43

Don't look at her page.
Obviously she is too messed up right now to realise it is her destructive lifestyle that is causing the issue. She wants someone to blame. If you can then actually try and help, if not defriend.

LedareAnsley Sat 04-Jan-14 23:27:43

After your friend ran away, did she spend any time in LAC?

Depending on where and when she might have a point.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 04-Jan-14 23:28:31

You aren't coming across well you know. I mean, it sounds like you are enjoying comparing yourself against her and clearly you feel you are so much of a better mother because her kid has been taken away.well newsflash in real life shit happens to good people and none of us know her so can't possibly comment but you appear to have started this thread hoping you would find someone else to join you in giving her a character assassination.

I hope she isn't one of the many mumsnetters who are in a desperate situation with mental health, social, dependancy, abuse etc issues whatever might have happened to her. Because otherwise she might just see this and there is plenty there to identify her if she did read it.

I won't be sharing peace and love with the op because I think her starting this thread about a vulnerable young woman is disgusting.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:29:14

No she was returned to her grandmother and mother. Ledare

LimitedEditionLady Sat 04-Jan-14 23:30:13

I have no idea what that meant ralph lauren.Youre not a people person?you show a lot of thought to someone elses life though?

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:30:17

Jumping Okay peace and love to you smile

JumpingJackSprat Sat 04-Jan-14 23:31:21

You aren't coming across well you know. I mean, it sounds like you are enjoying comparing yourself against her and clearly you feel you are so much of a better mother because her kid has been taken away.well newsflash in real life shit happens to good people and none of us know her so can't possibly comment but you appear to have started this thread hoping you would find someone else to join you in giving her a character assassination.

I hope she isn't one of the many mumsnetters who are in a desperate situation with mental health, social, dependancy, abuse etc issues whatever might have happened to her. Because otherwise she might just see this and there is plenty there to identify her if she did read it.

I won't be sharing peace and love with the op because I think her starting this thread about a vulnerable young woman is disgusting.

LedareAnsley Sat 04-Jan-14 23:31:29

Thanks OP.

Welcome to Mumsnet by the way.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:32:06

Limited I don't have loads of friends that i see is what I meant I literally see one friend whom is my best friend with her DC she's exactly the same. I don't really see the need to see anyone else but her smile

LimitedEditionLady Sat 04-Jan-14 23:32:39

I think you started the thread for attention.Are you bored and lonely?

KellyHopter Sat 04-Jan-14 23:32:39

Op you can't win.
The vast majority of people in rl would feel the way you do but a magical thing happens when these thoughts are expressed in an op such as yours.
Suddenly it's all bleeding hearts and pointy fingers.

What kleptronic said, basically.

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:33:47


I don't mind it was just a way to get some frustration out didn't word myself very well lol.

Thank you though

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:34:30

Limited No sorry I'm not.

LimitedEditionLady Sat 04-Jan-14 23:35:03

Well im sure the op didnt need someone to tell her that she thinks she is not being unreasonable.

"Vamp I haven't had a particularly good childhood i didn't steal or take drugs. I also never ran away."

There wil be people who have had much worse childhoods than yours, but who are doing a hundred times better, it is pointless to compare yourselves to others and when doing so try not to be to smug.

You don't know what she is going through, or why, so stop thinking you do. She doesn't parent the way you do, you cannot know what thoughts or feelings she has about her child.

You need to mature and learn a lot more, before you can start to judge the reasons behind her actions.
She has made bad choices, for whatever reasons, but unless she accepts the intervention of CAHMs, she will not realise this, or why, for a long time.

You couldn't help, she will need and has needed professional help.

Re abduting the child, the room that she has contact in, wil be code locked.

Coconutty Sat 04-Jan-14 23:38:41


wobblyweebles Sat 04-Jan-14 23:38:49

KellyHopter put it much better than me.

OP I am related to someone like this. She didn't have a bad childhood. I don't know why she makes stupid decisions, but she's been an adult for nearly 20 years now and her decisions aren't getting any better. I do want to slap her some times, especially when I see her poor children not getting the things they need because she needed a new dog or a night out on the lash. I have stopped trying to help her because the help is simply abused.

The best thing you can do is unfriend.

VoteYes Sat 04-Jan-14 23:43:46

Think the OP is bad form if I'm honest. It is exploiting someone else's pain. She may be in the wrong for a lot of things she has done but she is dealing with a lot of judgment from outside sources at the moment and really doesn't deserve to have a friend (FB or otherwise) splashing her business all over a public forum. You have been very specific and if someone who knows this woman or she herself reads this then it won't be all that difficult to figure out who it is about. I really think that a public slaughtering is really the last thing she needs.

If she isn't your friend and you don't want to see her posts remove her as a friend. watch and not fall of your high horse

RalphLaurenLover Sat 04-Jan-14 23:49:30

Vote If you read I've already done that smile

VoteYes Sat 04-Jan-14 23:53:27

You really are quite vile. Your "friend" is much better off without nasty people like you in her life.

I've also reported your post due to how identifiable this poor woman is. It would appear you have a lot of growing up to do yourself.

vote and it's not vile to call social workers paedophiles no?

why don't people stop all this 'troubled, vulnerable, poor girl' shite because i would be prepared to bet you wouldn't be saying it to the woman in question.

not saying OP is right but neither is her 'friend'.

LittleDoris Sat 04-Jan-14 23:58:15

I am sure that if this woman posted on here she would be told that she was wrong. She would also probably be directed towards some support services.

But she hasn't posted on here.

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:58:25

The friend could have MH issues the op isn't aware of, any number of reasons for her behaviour

Op sees a snapshot and declares the woman needs a slap

VoteYes Sat 04-Jan-14 23:59:25

Have I said once that that is acceptable? Quite frankly this woman that is being vilified on this thread may have mental health issues, we do not know.

I am not condoning any of the alleged behaviour by this other woman but since she isn't here to defend herself I for one think that the the actions of the OP are disgusting. She has written a post which makes the woman she is publicly attacking identifiable to anyone who stumbles across this thread who may know her in RL.

ashtrayheart Sun 05-Jan-14 00:02:08

Yanbu but this is mumsnet wink

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:02:11

She DOESN'T have MH issues. other posters are right you're all very quick to give her some diagnosis for her stupid behaviour.

Vote Thanks for your kind words, I'll cherish them forever thanks

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:03:38

ash why thank you wink however the vast majourity shall agree because they're all so quick to diagnose her with something.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 00:04:24

I havent once said the said woman isnt out of order,i am talking about the thread started.Im not commenting on the woman because the OP isnt even friends with her shes just telling someone elses horrible story.

even mh issues don't excuse neglecting your child.

VoteYes Sun 05-Jan-14 00:06:46

Have I said she does? I am saying she may have. And if your description of her is accurate I would be inclined to think there are underlying issues with her.

Your retorts scream of immaturity yourself. Who needs enemies...

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 00:07:42

Im sorry but you dont know if she has MH issues or not OP.You cant possibly know that.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:08:24


[Thanks] thank you once again. You're obviously like a wise owl and so full of maturity and information.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 00:08:35

I kinda think that this is not a genuine thread.

Buzzardbird Sun 05-Jan-14 00:09:18

Oh, goady?

Kleptronic Sun 05-Jan-14 00:09:34

So why is being judgy bad, when people are calling the OP 'vile' and 'disgusting'?

I must have missed that memo grin

"why don't people stop all this 'troubled, vulnerable, poor girl' shite because i would be prepared to bet you wouldn't be saying it to the woman in question."

That's a bet you would lose, this is an 18 year old, who has historical issues.

"She DOESN'T have MH issues."

I don't think you would be qualified to judge that under 16, when you were her friend?

She has psychological problems, at least, these still need a lot if work by MH services. All of her behaviour has stemmed from somewhere.

Many people have undiagnosed MH/PD's until they have children and then come under the radar of the Child Protection system.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:11:04


Sadly it is.

She's gone from my FB, I vented my frustration all is done.

Apart from vote informing me of others mh issus's that she's self diagnosed

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:13:13


I missed it too, don't get me wrong whomever thinks they don't judge are wrong. I'm Vile some people are above others who cares nobody knows nobody on here lol

VoteYes Sun 05-Jan-14 00:13:18

I have also not said that it excuses child neglect. The issue isn't with whether she is correct or not in her assumptions of this women. It is the tastelessness of this thread.

To come on to any forum with the sole intention of bashing another person makes me question what the gain is for the OP. If she had written her post a bit differently and asked for advice on how to help a woman who appears to be beyond help the responses would have been vastly different.

This thread is purely to bash this woman. Why???

JumpingJackSprat Sun 05-Jan-14 00:14:06

Hope you don't ever fall out of your Ivory Tower op.

okay, some people might be kind enough to offer support if this woman posted on mn, her views regarding social services and parenting... however, a fair few would not be so gentle, especially here on aibu.

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 00:14:58

Sorry OP but this is one of the saddest an most unenlightened threads I have ever read.


Step back, view this situation for what it is and if you have nothing useful to offer this troubled friend step away. She and her child obviously need intervention and are receiving it professionally.

I personally find it in extremely poor taste when people gossip over other peoples hardships, even more so when the only exposure to them is via Facebook.

Have a bit of self respect and dignity. Find something else to do.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 00:15:50

She hasnt diagnosed anything ralph,shes trying to tell you that some people DO have MH problems which cause problems in how people see life.Think now,she COULD have MH problems and you dont know,she might not even know herself.This is a possibility isnt it?You will meet a lot of people in your life and not know that they MH issues.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:16:58

Vote I've already said I didn't word it to well.
If she is "beyond help" then you can't help. Nothing I can do or say will stop her DC from being adopted and taken off her. As others have said she's obviously done something for that to happen.

Jumping Don't worry If I'll do prince charming will be at the bottom to catch me

thousands of the very many people who experience mh issues are extremely capable of providing adequate care for their children.

Joules68 Sun 05-Jan-14 00:17:59

You spoke to her once op.... Once.... Yet you positively know there's no MH hmm

Yeah right

VoteYes Sun 05-Jan-14 00:18:38

Apart from vote informing me of others mh issus's that she's self diagnosed

Wow, did you even read what I wrote? If this is your interpretation of what I am saying then I can only say that I view your thread with a pinch of salt. You can't accurately repeat something that is written in black and white on this thread so what assumptions did you throw in to your original OP?

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 00:19:33

OP sorry to be so harsh but is your reaction because you find this persons situation shocking and hard to understand?

If that is the case, that makes more sense to me than you just being judgy and frankly a wee bit inappropriate!

There is probably a better way of coming across that would mean you get a bit of a discussion to help you get your head around it. I know that being confronted with child abuse and neglect can be massively shocking,unsettling and hard to understand.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 00:21:16

Noone said that people with MH problems cant raise children well,i was raised by someone with a severe MH problem.Some peoples MH problems can sadly take over,unfortunately Ive seen this.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:22:55


I don't understand how someone can think anyone whom is only trying to do what is best for your child all to be paedophile gang leaders. I also don't understand how someone can take their child to be around drugs and alcohol, I don't understand how if someone is threatening to the only thing that your suppose to protect in life why you wouldn't just shut up and do as your god damn told.

I personally can't see how you'd get yourself into that much shit they'd take them off you.

Maryz Sun 05-Jan-14 00:23:32

Oh dear, how dreadful.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:23:43

to take

thank god this child is in care then! unfortunately, 'could have mh problems' could apply to a lot of people, as we know, they are much more common than some people think.

Droves Sun 05-Jan-14 00:24:59

Wtf is going on here these days
Several threads ive seen , in which posters are being deliberately nasty to Ops . Jumping on turns of phrases and twisting their meanings , for the purpose of trying to make op feel bad ... never used to be like that on here ,. On aibu you dont expect suck ups , but the OPs threads should at least be read properly and taken in the contects of its true meaning .

Is there an invasion of troublemakers or hairy handed truckers or something ?

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 00:26:03

Because some people are easily led and cant work out whats right and wrong.Its not that what you feel is not understandable OP its that you posted this.

Droves Sun 05-Jan-14 00:26:12

(Sorry for the hijack op )

Droves Sun 05-Jan-14 00:27:43

Wtf is going on here these days
Several threads ive seen , in which posters are being deliberately nasty to Ops . Jumping on turns of phrases and twisting their meanings , for the purpose of trying to make op feel bad ... never used to be like that on here ,. On aibu you dont expect suck ups , but the OPs threads should at least be read properly and taken in the contects of its true meaning .

Is there an invasion of troublemakers or hairy handed truckers or something ?

droves yeah, i think people really latched on to the 'slap' part.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:29:41

If your so easily led and can't work out what is right or wrong for your child that you stick them in a room full of booze and drugs then you shouldn't have one. In this case It's VERY apparent SS are doing the right thing

As I said earlier she must love her DC like I love my DC I hope, but I love my DC enough to stick him in a dangerous enviroment.

Droves Don't worry they don't make me feel bad haha

"If she is "beyond help" then you can't help. "

If you read the posts back, you will see that what is being said is that she cannot be helped, to keep her child, from someone just bring a friend.

She needs intense support and probably therapy.

Very few adolescents run away from home and indulge in illegal risky behaviour, for the hell of it, there would of been something going on.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 05-Jan-14 00:34:47

You've shown no compassion for this 'friend' of yours.
She obviously needs help and will hopefully get it.
Happy, stable people don't live like this very young girl has/ you not see that??
If this is true, then people like you being away from her will only serve her well.

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 00:36:23

I don't understand how someone can think anyone whom is only trying to do what is best for your child all to be paedophile gang leaders. I also don't understand how someone can take their child to be around drugs and alcohol, I don't understand how if someone is threatening to the only thing that your suppose to protect in life why you wouldn't just shut up and do as your god damn told

Ralph, I would imagine, that she is really very angry, scared and unable to confront her own failings as a parent or willing to confront them. When people are in significant amounts of denial, ill equipped to cope with every day life, isolated, have led an unhealthy lifestyle, they are capable of making really bad decisions and it's easy to lash out and blame others and not take responsibility. In her case not working with professionals and taking her children to environments where drug and alcohol misuse is going on. Also, on top of that, venting on facebook!

Social Workers can be really frightening. Not everyone sees them as wanting the best for a child, some people view them as interfering and scary. They can be interfering and scary.

It might be that this woman has had social workers involved in her life in the past and has had the experience of being out of control and having authorities make decisions for her. She has probably expected that authorities would step in.

For people living lifestyles which are chaotic, isolated, drug and alcohol dependent, it is not easy to just step out of that and make positive steps. She will have incredibly low self esteem. No one in that situation will feel good about themselves. A consequent of this will be that she will find it hard to choose good things, cope on her own while she rebuilds or accept support. She will be unlikely at this point to even know how to.

It is a massive step for someone to admit they need help and they are wrong, even with support and positive people around them.

The children need to be safe until she is able to recognise what needs to change.

LedareAnsley Sun 05-Jan-14 00:36:27

yy Birds.

The situation either at home or at school is usually intolerable for that to happen.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:38:48


As far as I'm concerned I offered to help she'd rather get drunk. The choice was her. If you choose to put your child around drug and alcohol then what else will SS do?

Birds As I said she's told everyone SS have said the DC is being adopted, I don't think you can get a child back once that has happened?

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 00:39:17

If your so easily led and can't work out what is right or wrong for your child that you stick them in a room full of booze and drugs then you shouldn't have one

No offence meant but this comment is absolute pointless rhetoric of daily mail proportion.

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 00:41:35

As far as I'm concerned I offered to help she'd rather get drunk

Yes. I think with the best intention in the world, no one will be able to help this woman.

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 00:43:27

Also she will be in huge emotional pain, unimaginable. If the child is being adopted it will only have been after signficant exploration of the situation. It is a last resort. very very sad for all.

I hope one day she will accept professional help and rebuild her life.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:45:02


Don't worry about offence dear! If you're so easily led why not surround yourself and take the advice of everyone that offered help. I know I would if it meant I'd lose my DC otherwise.

I hope she sorts herself out and gets her life together, I doubt she'll get her DC back once adopted but maybe she'll lean from her mistakes?

I've got wet socks from the amount of drool dripping from your mouth at this woman's situation.

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 00:47:16

The choice was her. If you choose to put your child around drug and alcohol then what else will SS do?

People in her situation are not 'making choices' OP, they are simply reacting to everything that is happening in their lives. If you are out of control and angry you will react in an out of control and angry way. It is a huge leap to make to start actually making considered choices and this women probably doesn't know how to do that yet.

why is everyone but the op allowed to speculate re this woman's emotional state and feelings for her child.

musicismylife Sun 05-Jan-14 00:50:20

Op, like I have previously said, it seems to me that you are gloating about the way this woman's life has panned out (so far).


RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:50:39

Buffy You want some more socks??

See for me I still don't understand maybe I'm being really dumb haha. It just doesn't make sense, like I can't get my head around that way of thinking then again I've done everything in one way and the thought of being in trouble isn't appealing, neither is drugs and alcohol.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:51:22

Music as i've said before I'm not smile

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 00:54:05

If you're so easily led why not surround yourself and take the advice of everyone that offered help. I know I would if it meant I'd lose my DC otherwise

Sorry ralph but i really don't think you get it and are just perhaps enjoying the drama. I struggle to understand that you cant comprehend the immense trauma this women is experiencing and are only interpreting it from your own narrow perspective. Mumsnetters are usually an insightful and aware bunch and your posts show absolutely none of that. Sorry.

I've got wet socks from the amount of drool dripping from your mouth at this woman's situation

So I think i have to agree with this ^^and go back to my original post. I thought perhaps you were shocked and confused and not too clever but actually, i think this is in poor taste and poor motivation.

I'd prefer you to stop using this woman as entertainment (which you are even though you deny it) but yeah new socks why not. You're the type of person who winds up in the Jeremy Kyle audience gawping at people who have pretty shit lives.

Kleptronic Sun 05-Jan-14 00:54:51

This is what I meant about the MN code. I think the OP is new around here. Maybe she reads the Daily Mail. And what? She'll get called vile, and disgusting, and a Daily Mail reader. (Not all for reading the Mail. I am being rhetorically dramatic. Or insert one of many logical fallacies here. Sorry.)

Everyone's entitled to their opinion, of course. It is my opinion that saying someone's comment is absolute pointless rhetoric of Daily Mail proportions is divisive and judgemental.

I am polishing off the Baileys here, so possibly I am a little hot under the collar, however I think that a great many posters should check their privilege. It's fine and well defending the subject of the OP's post. It's not fine to vilify a poster because, well, I might need an essay to go into it satisfactorily, but because they don't follow the code, can't spout the script.

Not sure what my point was there, because it doesn't say on the tin that Mumset is all-inclusive.

Sparkles! grin

Bloodyteenagers Sun 05-Jan-14 00:57:06

Do you know why she was using drugs, running away, violent etc? Do you know if she had shit going on in her life that you didn't know about, stuff that she was trying to escape from, to hopefully draw enough attention to herself as a cry for help... Just because you coped with your situation how you did, doesn't mean everyone copes the same way. What a ridiculous, sweeping generalisation to make, and here have a medal for coping with your childhood better than millions of others who had a shitty childhood.

You don't know unless she was honest with any of you and told you... But then chances are, she finally tells someone and they don't believe her.

She might have honestly believed that it would be the making of her.. Have you never read any of the threads on here involving toxic families where 20+ years later the abuse is still continuing?

You cannot say for certain that you would never put yourself in a position to have your child taken by SS. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, and it's a rather naïve view to take.

You don't know for a fact if she has MH issues. You cannot tell just by looking at a person. Drug addiction, as with any addiction is a MH condition. Sometimes the power of the drug overtakes everything.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 05-Jan-14 00:58:03

It doesn't make sense

For you maybe it doesn't OP, this girl could be an addict, for outsiders that can be hard to understand.
Period has said it very well

it's absolutely amazing, the conclusions that people will jump to based on very little evidence. from what we've been told, it's a blessing that social services have intervened in this case. mh issues or not. how many of us have experience these and still care for our children? op, you did the right thing removing her from facebook, you'd be better off without that fucking site in your life anyway but that's just my opinion.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 01:01:48

If it makes everyone better I do not read the daily mail, the sun, the mirror or any other papers, nor do I watch the new. I've never been in the JK audience, but I shall watch it at home if you've made the effort to go on national TV and find out who stole the "NatSav" then whom am I to listen, have a boastful amount of friend of Facebook,

You can call me vile, you can say I read the Daily Mail. but it doesn't make it true smile I am also knew. It was B-E-A-U-TIFUL meeting you all and your humble comments

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 01:02:45

Because Klep what does it actually achieve to take the stance that 'people shouldn't be able to have children if they can't look after them'

Of course it is rhetoric!! It is never going to become public police that people's fertility is presided over! How things 'should' be and how things are are so vastly distant from one another that asserting some kind of value judgement is pointless. It denies the complexity of peoples lives. This is exactly the kind of discourse wheeled out by the daily mail. I think it's ok to point that out?

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 01:04:07


PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 01:05:18

Bloodyteenagers Well put.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 01:06:07

period I wouldn't have a clue what the daily mail discourse. I don't read it.

Kleptronic Sun 05-Jan-14 01:06:38

You do what you like Period, you will anyway, and rightly so. I am saying there are more empowering ways of going about it.

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 01:13:29

You are right Klep actually. I dont hold back. I tend to use AIBU to say EXACTLY what i think!

Yes, i will work on that.

Caitlin17 Sun 05-Jan-14 01:14:06

OP what point were you trying to make?

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 01:14:08

It is fun though.

I might finish my christmas booze too.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 05-Jan-14 01:16:33

Vampyre I think it's a fairly obvious conclusion that this girl needs help??
That SS have removed the child is best, that too is obvious.
Many of us have bad experiences and can cope with our children, a minority can't.
The girls life before she had a child was chaotic, she needs not vilification.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 05-Jan-14 01:17:55

needs help not vilification

i can only sympathise to an extent with someone who neglects their child. i feel much worse for the child who was born into such an environment.

Kleptronic Sun 05-Jan-14 01:19:34

Period wine

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 01:19:54

period I wouldn't have a clue what the daily mail discourse. I don't read it

Not a bad thing IMO!

It's kind of black and white value judgments about things.

White, British, Working peoples newspaper.

'People on the dole should get off their lazy arses and work'

'immigrants go home'

'lock the criminals up and throw away the key'

that kind of thing.

PeriodFeatures Sun 05-Jan-14 01:21:44

Klep I'm going to bed with that. I'm giving myself eye bags and a pulsing vein! *Cheers

and surely if you'd had your child taken away you'd have more important things to do than fuck about on facebook.

NurseRoscoe Sun 05-Jan-14 01:23:22

You were never going to get the response you were looking for on here OP, as it's not really an AIBU, you seem to have already formed your opinion on this girl.

It sounds to me like she has mental health issues or at least is very troubled. The best thing you can do, if she isn't close to you, is block her on Facebook and stop thinking about it. Social services are involved and the child has been removed so she isn't in danger. I hope she gets the help she needs.

Kleptronic Sun 05-Jan-14 01:26:41

I'm off to bed myself, this Baileys is clarty.

Night Op, do come back another thread. Night Period.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 05-Jan-14 01:27:10

That's your perogative Vampyre
Luckily, professionals in the field have more sympathy than you (should the girl avail of the help she is no doubt being offered)
It is a very rare individual who neglects their child deliberately.
We all feel for a child born into such chaos, the baby is now safe and will be minded better.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 01:30:37

Room You're right, they no doubt will professionals in the field have more sympathy than you

Don't worry Kelp I was watching Bridget Jones I won't leave MN

so it's possible to 'accidentally' have your baby around drugs? i've known people like op's 'friend' and honestly, not everyone in this situation is vulnerable and mentally ill. some people have children well before they're mature enough to hack it and then realise it's not as glamorous as they thought and they get bored and try to claw back some freedom. not all but definitely some. i hope she gets the help she needs and her baby is raised by more able parents.

HRHLadyFarquhar Sun 05-Jan-14 01:55:18

Oh, come on...

Yes, the woman undoubtedly does have psychological issues, but you can't mend people simply by being a friend.

I have a friend like this. I saw what kind of life she was going to lead, back when we were seventeen. I tried to save her. Occasionally she listened to my advice, but mostly she didn't. It all played out the way I thought it would. Not only did she need professional help, she needed to accept she needed it. She never has. A slap wouldn't help, but you know what? Sometimes I've wanted to shake sense into her. She has to reach rock bottom by herself and then want to climb back up, but it is no fun to watch. She has made amazingly stupid decisions that have lost her her son, and she has a coterie of people telling her social services are evil. I wouldn't be surprised if she's in touch with a certain MP. She genuinely has a host of issues. She's not nasty. Just unable to make rational decisions. It made her an unfit parent, and unable to acknowledge her mistakes.

She's still on my fb, because I know she'd notice if I blocked her, and I will not hurt her like that. I hide her posts.

Judgment isn't helpful, but frustration is human.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 05-Jan-14 02:01:39

It's possible to not realise the implications or the severity of having your child in what are obviously (to some) dangerous around drugs.
I agree that some people do have kids without thinking about it (I know enough parents like you mention)
This girl has a history of self destructive behaviour, that implies serious deep-rooted problems to me, not changing her mind about being a mother on a whim.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 05-Jan-14 02:06:50

HRH You genuinely made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

OP, have a deeper look into what you're feeling witnessing your friends life. Truly, deep down you know that you have no influence what so ever and there's not life changing one liner you can offer.

You can (if you choose to - no one can judge you for not wanting the responsibility) sympathise with a mother who is helpless - and she is, her particular circumstances and emotional maturity considering- to stop events around her.

She'll learn her own lessons in her own time, please don't be another voice telling her how shit she is, honestly, you're better to wash your hands than add to that.

HRHLadyFarquhar Sun 05-Jan-14 02:14:06

sparklyknickers I did? If you're thinking you might know the same person, a couple of details have been mixed up her and there to avoid someone identifying her from tnis and any other posts I make. Just in case. Because sometimes I rage here about it all.

There's lot of unhappy people, sadly, who never escape the psychological shackles of their childhood. The circumstances I've fitted together there must describe tens, hundreds of women. I hate how broken the world is.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sun 05-Jan-14 02:17:39

Yes a slap will definitely help- i'm sure if she saw a counsellor that's exactly what they'd suggest. Where does one go for a sense inducing slap? Is it a teacher? Or a martial arts instructor? confused hmm

DizzyZebra Sun 05-Jan-14 02:29:22

I know a woman who is similar. Probably worse (and ive witnessed her neglect myself). It is frustrating. But if you cant remain a positive part of her life i think its best to remove yourself from it. Sitting there getting angry wont do either of you any good.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 05-Jan-14 02:30:18

I don't think so HRH, my friend has had a couple of children.

I think my thoughts have been so scrambled around her situation that my reasoning for not cutting contact with her completely has never been that ordered, it follows people don't get why I won't cut her off.

Your post just managed to sum up for me the 'why's' really smile

I have distanced myself to an extent, and certainly don't condone or help her justify.

I think I'm just hoping that one day she'll get it, and when she does I will be there.

HRHLadyFarquhar Sun 05-Jan-14 02:40:57

5Ah, I see! Yeah, that's what I hope too. I realised a few years ago that although the emotional connection made it easy to see how she fucks things up, it also made it impossible for me to remain impassive and supportive when she did the fucking up.

So, I stepped away. Still fb friends, because she would def notice my name going, and I mess around with the hide function, and only 'fb like' declarations of positive decisions...

And I fantasise about going back in time and doing something that would have really changed her life. Getting her parents falsely imprisoned for bank robbery or something maybe...

musicismylife Sun 05-Jan-14 10:29:50

Like others have said, this post seems pointless.

If it is rue tthat as are adopting the child, then your friend will not be able to have any kind of decent access until the child is older.

This is why she is venting on facebook because she is angry about it.

When I was younger, there was a four month stretch of my life where I was abysmal. I didn't have a child or anything but I was definitely on a toad to self-disruption. Luckily, it was just a phase or whatever
& the rest of my life was not dictated by my foolishness.

Whether your friend is a 'saint' from now on, it will not give her her child back. It's all very sad.

musicismylife Sun 05-Jan-14 10:32:31

I wasn't on a toad to self-disruption, maybe a road to self-distruction hmm

GimmeDaBoobehz Sun 05-Jan-14 10:54:50

I know your frustration OP as sometimes I see things like this and want anything to just knock some sense into these people, but I think ultimately the only thing that is going to change them is them and when they are ready.

Probably when they are lonely.

My partners got a relative who has lost both her children. Luckily a family member has taken the first one, but the second has been adopted. That hasn't taught her anything. She has been on drugs and she has hung out with some extremely unsavoury characters. She used to leave DC2 with anybody. I had DC2 for a few hours when I was going through morning sickness she said she was just nipping next door. Poor child was really unsettled so I am really glad that they have a chance of a happier life. Plus family aren't able to bail her out anymore. She's still acting like a complete tool and to be honest and I don't want to ever talk to her again due to how she has treated those poor little children and she's only 20 years old.

But I know she is probably very troubled and something bad has happened to her but it doesn't stop you feeling disgusted as you shouldn't inflict what happened to you onto your children. If you can't look after children you shouldn't have them and she certainly applies here as does your 'friend'.

If she doesn't want your advice I'd just leave it to be honest. The only person she'll listen to is herself in the future.

My partners relative wants 2 more children apparently. I honestly think I'd lose my rag if I saw the same thing happening again.

I do feel for you and don't completely disagree. If a slap would work I'd be all for it but to be honest dysfunction isn't fixed by more dysfunction no more than the death penalty doesn't fix the problem of murder.

2penniesworth Sun 05-Jan-14 11:21:58

"He who is without sin, cast the first stone" quote comes to mind. We all judge (fairly or not), or have done. OP could have, perhaps worded her thread and title better, better explained her reason for posting which would have yielded a better response. Just shocking the way some MNetters jump on OPs and then others jumping on the bandwagon. Rather than understanding OPs point of view first and correcting if needs be, instead making the same judgemental assumptions that they are berating the OP for. Where is the justification in that?

PresidentServalan Sun 05-Jan-14 11:27:00

OP, I think you are getting a very hard time on here. So many people judge others in RL as well as MN for their parenting decisions, and these are often very minor. So for her to have her child taken away, it must have been serious - SS don't take away a child for the sake of it. I wouldn't be particularly sympathetic to her either - she has messed her life up and that of her child, and as a mother I would imagine that this rankles with you.

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable flowers

GlitzAndGiggles Sun 05-Jan-14 11:30:06

Well I hope she finds the help she needs and friends who will stick by her side instead of blast her on the internet. SS have done the right thing but having a child taken into care has probably troubled her more. Support and guidance is what she needs

musicismylife Sun 05-Jan-14 12:26:10

It wasn't what op said, it was how she said it. Her friend will have to live with her bad choices & the consequences of them, every day.

Wanting to slap her after ss have taken child away does not seem very constructive and just seems a bit 'kick a dog while it is down'. In my opinion.

Op would have had a lot more sympathy with careful wording.

Droves Sun 05-Jan-14 13:37:03

Music , op was meaning a metaphorical slap to shock her into realising whats shes done , so she learns from this .
If she doesnt get that , she will repeat the cycle .

Its frustrating to see people determined on self destruction blaming others for their own problems instead of taking the help offered .

Mabey this thread wont help the girl who's lost her child , but it might help someone else recognise real offers of help ,

2penniesworth Sun 05-Jan-14 14:24:08

Ok so we all say things that on reflection we could have said in a better way or use a better choice of words.

In a forum such as this, it can happen when a post is written in a rush or when an OP is upset. Even more so when there is no filter on an anonymous forum words/phases might be used that wouldn't be said in RL.

I don't think OP meant to say her friend literally needed a slap (anyone can see that) and she explained it. Taking that into context and if it's understood that wording should have been more careful then why carry on berating OP.

Seems most of the responses has not been very constructive either IMO.

2penniesworth Sun 05-Jan-14 14:27:30


KepekCrumbs Sun 05-Jan-14 14:39:41

I wonder if the op is walking the same path around the same precipice her friend was walking when she fell. Same peer group, same area, similar poor up-bringing, similar circumstances. ..a closeness to the situation could make her over critical of those who didn't make it to validate her own pride in staying on the path.

By seeing this young woman as a victim and not a failure, we negate the heroism and successes of the op in her eyes.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 14:58:35

Sorry kepek
Never ran away, didn't steal, didn't smoke or do drugs.

I found out I was pregnant around 6 months before she did. In that time I had my own flat and provided fully for my DC on my own as a single mother.

I had a pretty shit childhood It didn't become an excuse for me to lead a shit life and bring my child down with me

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 15:01:41

I just thought that she's look after her child and put her DC best interest first, she didn't. I hoped she'd become a marvellous mother and do what's right she didn't

That's life but she shouldn't despise everyone else with a child and blame everyone else for her own fault.

KepekCrumbs Sun 05-Jan-14 15:02:46

But that's what I mean. You had a shit childhood too but you didn't do that stuff so you feel successful compared to your peer. You need to feel she failed to feel you succeeded.

Well done for giving your child what they need. You don't have to push her down to feel successful yourself though. You are anyway.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 15:08:00

I don't need her to fail to "make myself successful" I know a lot of people with a not to fantastic childhood and have kids they're "successful" I just hoped that she'd follow suit, iyswim

I hope everyone who has kids can bring them up and look after them well lol

KepekCrumbs Sun 05-Jan-14 15:09:31

Feel successful, not make yourself successful. You are successful anyway.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 05-Jan-14 15:21:47

Basically, this thread is you patting yourself on the back for coping during a hard time while berating your 'friend' for struggling.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sun 05-Jan-14 15:30:33

Agree with kepek.

RalphLaurenLover Sun 05-Jan-14 15:45:04

But now she's deleted an whatever else

I'm still going to wake up knowing I did what's right, I didn't need her for that, I did before I found out she'd fucked up

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 05-Jan-14 22:49:57

Gosh, thats some achievement OP, setting yourself up with a job that means you can fully support your DD in your own flat, all in your early 20's - im impressed.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 23:16:26

Lem do i detect a hint of sarcasm?

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 05-Jan-14 23:26:49

Make of it what you will limited x

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 23:39:12

Mmmm ill stick with my first answer grin

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