to still not want to fork out to attend relatives wedding?

(93 Posts)
CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:04:31

My sister plans to get married abroad. She initially said she wants my dd to be bridesmaid. I am on benefits which she knows but she thinks by giving people a couple of years notice to save then its OK.

She was talking about packages for the wedding which include ten guests. I asked her if dd would be paid for (under this package thing) and she just laughed and of course not, she is fully expecting me to pay about 3k for the for of us to attend her wedding because we have notice to save. We are currently trying to saves house deposit which is a damn site more important than a wedding.

Now the place has changed and its even more expensive and further away. She is also having it in term to e and we have an older child at school.

I have recently found out I am getting a decent inheritance and would easily be able to afford to attend but I actually don't want to use the money for that. I don't want to take ds out of school and get fined, it's also not somewhere you can incorporates family holiday, otherwise I would have done it tbh.

Aibu to not want to spend the money on this even though its my sister? Ultimately all the family that she wants there will save up and go, the ones who can't, she's not so bothered about anyway.

BrianTheMole Sat 04-Jan-14 21:06:36

No I wouldn't. If she wants to go to all that expense she can pay for it.

maddening Sat 04-Jan-14 21:07:23

Is it abroad? What adds up to £3k to just attend?

Lilacroses Sat 04-Jan-14 21:07:29

Wow, I really feel for you. Your sister is being incredibly unreasonable and unfeeling. Of course Yanbu to not want to do this, no matter whether you have the inheritance or not. I have never spent that amount of money on a holiday in my life and I would be damned if I would do it to a place of someone else's choosing! She can get married wherever she likes but you do NOT have to go. This sort of things makes me so cross!

PedlarsSpanner Sat 04-Jan-14 21:07:31

Och just don't go

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 21:08:13

YANBU you can't demand people to pay to attend your wedding regardless of where it is. If you really want certain people to attend you consider that when choosing a venue.

invicta Sat 04-Jan-14 21:09:32

I think it's unreasonable for her to expect you to pay that amount. Its a lot of money.i

Anyone who gets married abroad or in a location far away from their home, has to accept that the consequences are that people may not have the time or money to attend.

YANBU, your sister is.

misskatamari Sat 04-Jan-14 21:10:02

3 grand to attend a wedding - that's ridiculous! Of course YANBU to not want to spend it. She won't like it but that's the price you pay with destination weddings - not everyone will be able to attend. If you don't want to spend the money, don't go.

BillyBanter Sat 04-Jan-14 21:11:02

Tell her you can't go. That every spare penny you have is going on buying a house and you simply can't justify £3k on a holiday.

YANBU.

BillyBanter Sat 04-Jan-14 21:12:28

And if/when she whines 'but it's my wedding' you can say 'either venue is more important or making it affordable to those you want to attend is more important. You chose venue.

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:15:31

She knows you are on benefits yet expects you to save?? Are you on income support? Cos if so I don't see how you could anyway

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:16:51

Yes the 3k was for all 4 of us for a week in her original choice. The place has now changed and chances are it is actually more than this now, in fact it is, I remember her telling me its about £850 per person!

She actually thinks its OK because she is giving people a couple of years notice to save, which personally I think is very selfish to expect people to keep money back for that length of time just to watch someone get married, in a place I've never had any desire to go and it certainly isn't the sort of place you would think about taking children.

There's no way I could afford £3000 for a family holiday, so there's no way I'd be paying that sum to see my DB get married.

Your sister has to accept her choices have consequences, but don't forget some people might start harping on about you having to go because "it's family".

Weddings are really only important to the people getting married, IME, for everyone else it's often the excuse for a do, nothing more.

clara26 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:18:18

YANBU I wouldn't get married abroad unless I could pay for the people I wanted there. I wouldn't assume that my wedding was important enough to others to make them spend three grand.

CSIJanner Sat 04-Jan-14 21:19:09

My DSis had this with her BF from school. Asked DN to be bridesmaid, measured for dresses etc, got everyone excited, then announced it was Grenada. Only her immediate family went, plus my DSis and her family. It cost over £6000 in total, used up the limited holiday allocation they had from work for family holidays and DSis was used as a babysitter and carer for the family.

The thing is, whilst it is your family, its a huge financial obligation plus educational expense as well. It's not just a weekend jolly to a boutique hotel in the UK. YANBU - she must not be expecting everyone can come and TBH, just giving notice to people that they have time to save is a touch rude.

Do you have any elderly or ill relatives? As they probably won't be able to attend either.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:19:15

Sickness benefits joules. Dh works but no way we could justify this sort of money on attending a wedding. We don't spend anything like this on family holidays, never taken the kids abroad, but hoping to when I get my inheritance.

GhettoPrincess001 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:21:08

Sorry, but as others have said, don't go.

You've got your long term priorities, focus on them. Are you seriously going to miss out on buying a house for this ?

I have a friend who lives in Surrey and her husband's brother was getting married in Liverpool. Unfortunately they just could not afford to go i.e. money for petrol, an overnight stay in a bed and breakfast, money for a wedding present, not being able to stay long at the reception as their son was only two at the time, plus additional expenses - you know it goes. It was all just to much, in more ways than one.

So, they declined to go. Not surprisingly his mother was not impressed. Well, hard luck. He gave her the hand made wedding present to give to him as she was going.

I get the impression that as things stand now more than ten years later, that was kind of, 'small beer'. His brother's life has had all the twists and turns of a soap opera.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:21:12

There are elderly relatives who won't be able to go, they're planning on a party when they get back. Its not the same though.

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:22:09

Is the rest of the family supporting her? Saying yes they are going etc?

CSIJanner Sat 04-Jan-14 21:22:47

So you've never taken your children abroad, you're receiving sickness benefits, you've never spent this type of money, and she expects you to shell out? Pfft!

Give your sister a biscuit

Tinkertaylor1 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:25:00

She will probably get the wedding free if there are a certain number of guests going.

I didn't attend my dads wedding to step mum as it was so expensive. £2000 for two weeks in Greece I don't think so for just me and DD1.

Its lovely if you want to get married abroad but dont expect every fucker to shell out so you can get a free wedding!

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jan-14 21:31:21

I would say to her, "Oh dear sis, I will never be able to save up £3,000 for your wedding. The most I can manage is £2,000. Would you mind if I gave you that money instead of dragging the family to a remote part of the world to watch you marry?"

When she snaps your hand off, you'll know she doesn't give a damn about you being there, so you can happily decline the invitation.

grin

slowdownyourneighbours Sat 04-Jan-14 21:33:52

YANBU. shock Shocking to think your own sister thinks that this is at all reasonable. I hope you can stand firm on this OP - you are so in the right here!

Terrortree Sat 04-Jan-14 21:34:25

No one should ever decide how another person spends their money (with the exception of the taxman!). So don't feel guilty for making your own choices - and justify it to no-one.

The fact that this is no longer a simple 'I can't afford it' but a 'I don't want to' is quite reasonable reason to decline the invitation.

NatashaBee Sat 04-Jan-14 21:36:40

YANBU at all. No way in hell would I spend 3k traveling to someone else's wedding, I didn't spend that on my own!

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:37:32

joules yes they are. Our other siblings are going, one parent, aunts and cousins and some close family friends.

CSI its OK though because we have notice to safe wink.

I explained before its unlikely we would be able to do this. Her df was very understanding. I'm not sure sis quite gets it though. She keeps throwing prices at me saying how reasonable it is (for one person, she conveniently forgets to times it by four). Has been no other mention of dd being bridesmaid, I honestly think she thinks I may save up the money. I've never really had the intention to do so.

Not 100% but i'm sure a hen do abroad was also mentioned at one point!

HermioneWeasley Sat 04-Jan-14 21:37:56

Tell her now thT you are saving to buy a house and won't be attending.

Electryone Sat 04-Jan-14 21:38:59

It never ceases to amaze me the problems that some people create because they take the hump that people cant afford or dont want to travel abroad for their wedding.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:39:45

Good point Natasha. Our wedding didn't cost that much either!

I will be standing firm, don't worry, if there is something I don't want to do, then you've got no chance of getting me to do it grin.

Weeantwee Sat 04-Jan-14 21:40:18

I wouldn't go, or expect a guest to pay that much to attend if it was my wedding. Your sister should be prepared to pay for the guests if she is insistent on them being there.

VoteYes Sat 04-Jan-14 21:44:34

YANBU, good luck telling your Sister though, she sounds like she's hard work.

Catsize Sat 04-Jan-14 21:44:42

If I chose to get married abroad, I would pay for my guests to attend. I would not expect anyone to pay for my choice. I couldn't afford to do this, so I wouldn't get married abroad. Simples.

poisonedbypen Sat 04-Jan-14 21:49:46

SIL got married in about 5 years ago in Oz & we were invited. We could afford it & made a 3 week holiday out of it. DD was a bridesmaid but we were a little surprised to find she was only invited to the wedding, not the reception. 12,000 miles to go to church for 45 minutes. We were presented with a nanny to babysit (which we paid handsomely for, of course). We had a great holiday, anyway grin

Viviennemary Sat 04-Jan-14 21:51:07

I know it's your sister but she has made the choice to get married in a far away place. So it's quite reasonable if you don't want to spend a fortune on attending the wedding.

Madambossyboots Sat 04-Jan-14 21:52:48

Agree with everyone else. I would tell her soon so she can arrange another bridesmaid tho.
Saving for a house is far far more important. Not only that but it's the principle, why should you pay to attend? No no no no I wouldn't be doing that.

clippityclop Sat 04-Jan-14 21:54:48

Don't feel guilty, just tell her you're saving up for a house. Invite her round for a nice dinner whne she gets back so you can see the photos. Does she know you're coming into money? If she doesn't don't tell her.

fiverabbits Sat 04-Jan-14 21:56:01

When my niece got married in 1993 we as a family spent £300 to attend. She had rang and said we would like family there even though we hadn't seen or heard from her for years so we thought we should attend. It took us a year to save the money. We have never heard or seen her since. My other niece got married abroad, she didn't expect us to go but they would have a party when they came back, they did but we wasn't invited. When another niece got married 200 miles away I worked it out that it would cost us £1000 with travel, hotel, clothes for four even though we had gone to her sister's wedding 11 years before we just couldn't afford it and didn't go. Weddings can be expensive for guests so the bride and groom should take this in to account.

DontmindifIdo Sat 04-Jan-14 21:56:15

Tell her now not you are unlikely to save up that much but that "there is no way we will have enough money for us to go to see you get married if you chose to get married abroad. Don't plan on any of us being there unless you pay for it, we will not be able to find the money to go without making sacrifices to my children's standard of living for the next 2 years."

complaints that you could save it if you wanted too should be met with: "I know your wedding is the most important thing for you, but it's not for my children, and I don't think it's fair to make them go without now, in order for you to have your dream wedding. You might have to make a choice, if you want to have an overseas wedding, me and the children won't be there. I'm not saying you can't have the overseas wedding, but you can't have it and have me there. And I don't mind not going if the location is what is important to you."

Complaints from family should be met with "I've made it clear it's her choice, we can't afford to go. If she or you want to pay for us to go, I'll go, but I can't afford it without making sacrifices for my whole family that I don't want to make."

But most importantly, set out your stall now, if you say you "might not" be able to afford it, in bride-world, she'll hear "might not, might do". Don't say it'll be tricky, because that's something you can do with a little work. Say clearly and firmly that you can't, and that won't change. Don't let her make her plans thinking that you probably will be talked round, or will find the money some how and then get upset closer to the date. Say it clearly, she's making the choice to get married abroad, she's making the choice to get married without you there.

HesterShaw Sat 04-Jan-14 21:56:24

Don't go then.

Tell her why.

ShadowFall Sat 04-Jan-14 22:00:34

YANBU.

That's a huge amount of money to spend on going to a wedding, even one you really want to go to.

IMO, if someone chooses to get married abroad, then they've just got to face the fact that not everyone will be able to afford to attend, regardless of how much notice they've given.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 22:02:42

She doesn't know i'm coming into money and i'm not planning on telling her as then she will say that we can afford it as it's 'only £xxxx'.

You're right, I need to make it clear now so she knows that dd won't be bridesmaid. I'd love to see her be bm but i'm not prepared to fork out that sort of money, and that's without travel to and from airports, passports, visas, present, clothes and all the rest of it!

procrastinatingagain Sat 04-Jan-14 22:23:14

I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if I had decided to get married far away from home. I suppose I'd feel grateful if anyone was willing to fork to travel to see me get married. I certainly wouldn't be dictating to people that they had to come! I might even be thinking that I'd pay for my close relatives myself. Op, I wouldn't go if I were you.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 22:29:51

I think the thing that clinched it for me was the fact that she wants dd as bm but won't entertain the idea of covering the cost of her in the included wedding guests. No idea who she would include in this but I have a feeling its people who can afford to pay and who would anyway so that does hurt a bit when she is fully aware thatthat we can't afford it.

And she's getting pissed off with people asking her when she's going to have !driving lessons (because she can't afford it!).

SJBean Sat 04-Jan-14 22:31:01

I had almost exactly the same problem with my DSis. The venue was a remote island off the coast of Thailand. It was going to cost us (me and DH plus 3yr old DD1 and 1yr old DD2) £6,000 to go and that was only for a week! To add to this she then announced that the children wouldn't be invited to the actual wedding (but they could come with us for the rest of the time to 'enjoy' a family holiday!) Err - A. It wouldn't be somewhere we would go for family holiday with a 24hr journey with tiny children and B. Who the hell was going to look after them during the wedding???!!!

She then suggested we come on our own to enjoy some well deserved 'us' time, a break away from the kids! Yes maybe for a weekend to France or somewhere or in 15 years time further afield when their much bigger but to leave them for a week whilst we went to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!! She just didn't get it.

It was very difficult for my not to come across as saying it's either me or a wedding in Thailand (I am maid of honour) but in the end I genuinely and sincerely said that she should not compromise on the wedding she wanted and should have it in Thailand but I would not be there and I had to be really firm about that.

Their plans have since changed but it was a real dilemma for quite a few weeks.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 22:34:52

Wow that is VU of your sis!

I don't understand why people choose to get married abroad then wonder why people don't want to pay that much money to attend a wedding. I'd never have the nerve to ask people in the first place.

WooWooOwl Sat 04-Jan-14 22:48:33

Some brides are crazy. I've had a similar situation with a friend who got married in the Caribbean. She didn't see that cost would be an issue for anyone because she gave them 18 months to save. The fact that we had other things to save for and other holiday destinations we might want to go to just didn't enter her head at all.

None of the friends she invited wanted to spend that much money on going, and she was really upset about it, and it got quite awkward because she seemed to think we were all out of order for still having nights out when we could have been putting the money in our 'someone else's wedding fund'. She doesn't see any of us much any more, and the whole thing soured the friendship.

I understand that she was disappointed none of her friends went, especially as two of her DHs friends went, but our presence clearly wasn't as important to her as the beach ceremony so she made her choice.

clara26 Sat 04-Jan-14 22:50:28

Personally I'd rather get married in my local registry office and have my siblings there than go abroad and cost them a fortune (unless we were all loaded -we're not) to me the most important things in life are people.

I've had to turn down a few foreign hen dos before due to cost.

mameulah Sat 04-Jan-14 22:53:01

Absolutely do not go. Expecting someone to pay £3000 (or any amount actually) to celebrate their occasion is really rude and selfish. If someone attends your occasion they are giving your their time, anything above and beyond that should be their choice. Presents etc. Celebrating someone else's special day should not leave you skint.

Sallyingforth Sat 04-Jan-14 22:57:25

That's bloody selfish of her. She has no right at all to expect people to spend a fortune to follow her around the world.
You do realise that this is a way for her to get a 'free' wedding? When you organise a package for 10+ people, at least one person goes free as a discount. And she'll expect a present as well.
Tell the greedy cow that you are not going and she can pay for her own wedding.

bellybuttonfairy Sat 04-Jan-14 23:05:12

People get so wrapped up in wedding. FFS - its only a half hour thing with a party afterwards. Surely its about being married rather than getting married. Id marry dh in a coal pit as long as I could marry him.

If your dsis wants to go bananas about it, dont feel you need to be dragged along.

Ring dsis tomorrow and just say the truth. Say that youd love to see her get married but you really cant afford 3k. Infact 3k is a silly crazy amount of money to spend on going to a wedding. YANBU

bellybuttonfairy Sat 04-Jan-14 23:05:54

People get so wrapped up in wedding. FFS - its only a half hour thing with a party afterwards. Surely its about being married rather than getting married. Id marry dh in a coal pit as long as I could marry him.

If your dsis wants to go bananas about it, dont feel you need to be dragged along.

Ring dsis tomorrow and just say the truth. Say that youd love to see her get married but you really cant afford 3k. Infact 3k is a silly crazy amount of money to spend on going to a wedding. YANBU

MrsGarlic Sat 04-Jan-14 23:50:57

Could you not just go by yourself and leave husband + kids at home?

I do think it is very unreasonable for her to expect all four of you to attend, but she is your sister, so I would make the effort to attend if possible. I may have missed how old your kids are, but given you've got 2 years to save, the youngest will be at least 2 so probably could be left with their dad for a few days.

Adeleh Sun 05-Jan-14 00:15:50

YANBU. Really unfair to expect anyone to save up to go to your wedding. Why can't she just get married here and have honeymoon abroad?

80sMum Sun 05-Jan-14 00:26:21

YANBU. It's a bit much to expect wedding guests to cough up for a holiday to a place they may not wish to visit, simply to attend a wedding.
DD married abroad and there were far fewer people attending than had originally said they would come. As the wedding got closer (and the venue and everything was booked) people began to drop out with various excuses. Some actually admitted that they couldn't justify the cost.
In the end, to ensure sufficient numbers turned up, DH and I paid for several people's flights and accommodation ourselves.

wobblyweebles Sun 05-Jan-14 00:28:05

We got married abroad because of my visa. My sister couldn't afford to go so between me and my mum we paid for her to go. It was fab to have her there and worth every penny. No way would I have insisted that she come if she couldn't afford it.

SavoyCabbage Sun 05-Jan-14 00:34:59

Tell her you definitely can't afford it and you won't be going.

Buying a house is a life changing event. You can't let somebody else's wedding have an impact on that.

WestieMamma Sun 05-Jan-14 00:43:38

YANBU

My brother got married in Canada and we didn't go. We could have scraped the money together but, this will make me sound like a right cow, we just didn't want to see him get married enough to spend every penny we had on it.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 05-Jan-14 07:23:32

My brother got married abroad & we didn't go as the ting was wrong & money was tight. I had just returned to work from mat leave so didn't have 4k for the four of us to fly out for 10 days. He and my SIL were v understanding & had a party in the UK when they got back so we didn't miss out.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 05-Jan-14 07:24:08

Timing not ting!

SJBean Sun 05-Jan-14 07:25:10

MrsGarlic I think even if OP's sister was to suggest she comes on her own that would still be unreasonable. This is eventually what my Dsis wanted me to do. Like my DH OP's DH would have to take a weeks holiday to stay at home on his own with the kids while OP would have to pay for the privilege of spending a holiday (in a place not of her own choosing) Apart from her family. As much as it's lovely to have some time to yourself I don't think some people understand how precious family holiday time is. I know her wedding is her number one at the moment but OP's family is her number one and this is just asking too much.

OwlinaTree Sun 05-Jan-14 07:38:27

I'm always confused by this. The point of going abroad to get married is surely so you don't spend much more than the cost of the honeymoon, and it's just the two of you.

If your families are expected to come, why are they expecting everyone to travel half way around the world to all go to a wedding then hang round the happy couple's honeymoon? Can't they be on their own?

Very odd decision. Decide you you want at the wedding. Make all other choices based round that.

OwlinaTree Sun 05-Jan-14 07:39:48

Sorry that should be decide who you want at the wedding.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 05-Jan-14 07:51:38

I think that if a couple want to go abroad to get married, either by themselves or with 200 of their nearest and dearest, then good for them. It's their wedding day, so it should be exactly how they want it to be. However, they've either got to offer to pay for people to attend or accept that their choice means that a lot of people won't be able to make it. It's outrageous to put that kind of pressure on people to come up with thousands of pounds.

I'd make sure I told her as early as possible. I'd also be inclined to tell her in front of other family members so that if she chooses to stick her head in the sand and believe that you'll find the money somehow, she can't accuse you of ruining her plans when she realises that you definitely won't be going.

Grumblelion Sun 05-Jan-14 07:57:11

YANBU - she made her choice to get married abroad, now unfortunately she'll have to deal with the fact that her decision will prevent some people attending. She may be in for a bit of shock as I'm sure you won't be the
only ones who pull out.

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-Jan-14 08:14:54

See, I always feel really stabby whenever I hear someone say that weddings overseas work out so much cheaper (usually they are suggesting they'd go to that location for their honeymoon anyway). I always point out the total cost of the wedding is the same, it's just that some of the costs are paid by your guests instead of the couple.

we briefly toyed with the idea of an overseas wedding, mainly because DH isn't good with attention so it would be a way of doing a small wedding without offending anyone (invite everyone, expect very few would actually be attending, but noone has been left out by not getting an invite), when we did this, we automatically calculated in our costs the cost of taking both sets of parents, both siblings, and my bridesmaid. We wouldn't expect anyone else to go. (In the end, we had it in the UK as DH came round to the idea that it would be nice to host an event as we'd been to so many other friends and family's weddings)

OP - make it clear your stanse, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about not going. Remember, she doesn't want you there enough to a) pay for you or b) hold her wedding somewhere you could go. If they should be guilting anyone into coughing up for the tickets and hotel, it should be her.

3bunnies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:31:00

Buying a house is something you will benefit from for years to come. I doubt you will look back in 25 years and think how pleased you are that you went to her wedding rather than buy a house.

I am a little curious if you don't mind me asking why only one of your dc is a bridesmaid. I realise that it could be a teenage boy/girl with no intention of joining in, but I hope that they were at least asked and they refused. My dn was a lovely page boy at age 10. Would understand if one was too young - dd1 was a bit young at 3.5 and 18 month dd2 would definitely not be appropriate but I got the impression that it is your younger dd who is the bridesmaid.

theborrower Sun 05-Jan-14 08:36:05

YANBU.

My wee sister recently got engaged and said she wanted to get married abroad. Her fiancée immediately said "no way" because of all the reasons above - family not being able to go because of ill health, cost etc. they are going to choose somewhere central because "we want it to be easy for people to get to and don't want to have to lay on buses, expect people to stay overnight in an expensive hotel etc" He's a good 'un.

Good luck with telling your sister.

fluffyraggies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:42:45

Don't go OP. And don't let them make you feel bad.

''Anyone who gets married abroad or in a location far away from their home, has to accept that the consequences are that people may not have the time or money to attend.''

This ^ ^

No matter who says what to whom subsequently, this ^ ^ is what it boils down to.

I would add inclination to ''time and money'' as well to be honest. Even if you can afford it and have the time it's a big big ask to go abroad with kids just to attend a wedding.

Just say youve added up spare money after saving for the house and it amounts to £5 per month. In three years time that will be £180, so a no go, but you will see her at the party.

Add in "surely you wouldnt expect us to spend our House deposit on a non kid friendly holiday to a place we would never consider going?"

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 05-Jan-14 08:51:49

I'd just make it clear you can't afford to go. But am nosily intrigued about an inheritance she knows nothing about - is it a family member because that may become a bigger issue than the wedding to be honest.

jedishelly1 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:04:47

YANBU, your sister is!

Toecheese Sun 05-Jan-14 09:22:43

How much are you due to inherit?

I can understand prioritising buying a house.

3bunnies Sun 05-Jan-14 09:38:52

Inheritance probably on dh side.

SuburbanRhonda Sun 05-Jan-14 10:18:32

I thought that about the inheritance and wondered why the OP's sister knew nothing about it.

But surely if it's the DH's inheritance, OP wouldn't say that it was she who was inheriting?

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 05-Jan-14 10:33:34

It does sound like its the OP's inheritance not the DH's so i forsee more problems on the horizon not just the wedding.

If the OP is on benefits then savings over a certain amount will affect them and spendinh thousands to attend a wedding or go on holiday would be seen as deprevation of capital.

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-Jan-14 10:35:19

Well, a lot of families aren't as straight forward as one unit anymore. Lots of people have brother and sisters who are really half-brothers/sisters, so have relatives that aren't their sibling's relatives. I have only heard adults call their half-siblings "half-brother/sister" if they grew up in different houses (basically a new sibling from the non-resident parent side). Most people who share a mother (normally the resident parent), don't think of them as anything other than 'sister/brother'.

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-Jan-14 10:39:16

(posted too soon) ...the inheritance could quite easily be from a grandparent, or parent on the side that isn't shared.

Plus some people leave money to non-blood family, my mum inherited from her godmother, who wasn't her siblings' godmother. When she was in her 40s, my Gran inherited a large sum from a woman who was her good friend (who had no family of her own).

Mia4 Sun 05-Jan-14 11:32:38

A wedding invite is just that, not a summons. Even if it is your family. Yes, it's sad if family can't come and if it was that it cost £50 and you had 2 years to save then Dsis would be right to be upset at being a lower priority. 3k however is ridiculous to ask anyone to give up and spend on them, just for a wedding or holiday or whatever. Plus factor in an additional 1k for clothes, hen do (which you know she'll want you on) etc.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? Other relatives? I'm sure you can't be the only incredulous one.

Your sis can have whatever wedding she and her groom want, wherever it is with whomever they they. Those people invited can also very easily decline the invitation on any grounds. When you are having a wedding, you have to expect several people to cancel whether it's abroad or just down your local. It's just that you plan for a higher amount to cancel if abroad and costly.

CrapBag Sun 05-Jan-14 20:17:34

Thanks for the replies.

Try to answer a few things.

It is a younger dd who has been asked to be bm, ds has not been asked to be pageboy which I am a little sad about, he isn't too old for that.

Don't want to state the. Size of inheritance but it doesn't affect my benefits because they are not income related. It is enough to go but I'd much rather put it into a house and a family holiday.

Like others have said, families can be complicated and it is my inheritance on my own side of the family. No conflict will be caused because of that.

I could go on my own and I did consider it but my kids would be upset, I wouldn't enjoy it as much and it would mean dh taking a week of work which wouldn't be fair.

mameulah Sun 05-Jan-14 21:27:49

To go to a wedding rather than buy a house, imho is ridiculous. And something you would very much regret.

Buy your house and enjoy feeling secure and happy in your own home.

Apologies about not going to the wedding and then totally forget about it.

Topaz25 Mon 06-Jan-14 15:17:00

Your sister needs to understand she can't have her wedding cake and eat it too. If she chooses to have her wedding abroad, she is choosing the venue over the guests and some people will not be able to attend. I would let her know now so she doesn't plan on you attending.

CrapBag Mon 06-Jan-14 16:16:45

I am going to bring it up with her when I see her again so she can sort out alternative bm arrangements.

She is planning on ttc as well which I have no idea how that will fit in but she is adamant that this is what they are going to do. Apparently its because they each have family in different parts of the country so this is to save them the bother of all having to get to one place?

Personally I think its because they know the 'important' ones will pay to go. His parents and siblings, my brothers, some aunts and cousins, sisters mum and close friends. I am assuming she does think I am actually going to save up, even though I have voiced my concerns about the cost more than once. No one on our dads side is going to be able to go, but I don't think she is that bothered as they are going to have this party later.

maddening Mon 06-Jan-14 16:22:17

How much is a return flight and one night accommodation for one person?

SlimJiminy Mon 06-Jan-14 16:39:03

The fact that it's in term time would be enough of a reason to say no for me. And that's before the cost has even come into it. You need to make it perfectly clear - sooner rather than later - that you won't be attending her overseas wedding. As someone without kids, I can completely understand that people with kids would rather spend their money on a family holiday than on a wedding or hen weekend. She's being completely unreasonable.

CrapBag Mon 06-Jan-14 16:39:06

I don't know, but its too far for one night. Probably about a 12ish hour flight, plus travel from airports either side. I also have health problems and it would be too tiring for that length of time.

CrapBag Mon 06-Jan-14 16:40:17

Exactly slim I don't think that has even factored on her radar actually. And there are other children involved that are suppose to be going.

cingolimama Mon 06-Jan-14 16:43:09

OP you sound like a thoroughly sensible person. Can I add to general MN view, that it would be bonkers to consider going to this wedding, spending £3000? Even with the inheritance, you'll need every penny for the house - you may need new furnishings, new appliances, you may have to do some refurbishment - even repainting costs money. And if you have any left over, you should spend it on a lovely holiday to a place where you and yours want to go, rather than the location dictated by a bridezilla.

BTW, I did get married abroad (Italy), but the wedding was extremely modest - all the lovelier for it. We paid for flights and booked and paid for accomodation for guests. It would not have occurred to me to ask people to pay.

BlingBang Mon 06-Jan-14 16:47:15

Just tell her you can't afford it, your priority is buying a house. Doesn't need to be more to it than that. We love weddings abroad but everyone's circumstances are different.

CrapBag Mon 06-Jan-14 16:51:01

cing that sounds lovely! Wish this was something more like that, I could suck up the cost of a fine for taking DS out school otherwise. grin

I am very sensible and practical, and yes the inheritance will nearly all be spent on a house, furniture and redecorating, there will be quite a bit we don't have.

I will be telling her the next time I see her.

Appreciate all the advice. smile

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Mon 06-Jan-14 16:54:15

Put your money into your house fund, but take out enough to buy her a nice wedding present. You would be mad to go. Agree with the others that if you choose to have a wedding abroad, you have to pay for your guests to attend, or accept graciously when they say no (tbh, I think it's a bit of a cheek to even ask!)

angelos02 Mon 06-Jan-14 17:00:12

£3000 to attend a wedding? Fuck that. Some people get married for less than that. I agree with the poster that said if you want to get married, you should pay for people to get there...or at the very least, pay for your close family to get there.

Sallyingforth Mon 06-Jan-14 17:04:02

So glad to hear you are going to do the right thing OP!
Spending the money on your house will create a permanent benefit to your family.
Spending it on attending this wedding would be a slight and very temporary benefit to an apparently selfish person.
There are much harder decisions than this.

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