My DP thinks we should go to a wedding abroad when our baby will be 1 month old...

(179 Posts)
eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 21:57:51

The other night my DP said we've been invited to one of his very good old friend's weddings in the south of france in August next year. Our (first) baby is due on July 2nd but obviously could be late so our baby will be tiny and I think we'll still be getting into the swing of being new parents (and me being a new Mum, hopefully breastfeeding etc).

So, I said "Oh ok, well maybe we could go, depending on how the baby is doing, how I'm feeling after the birth etc, and depending on if we can afford it at the time" and he was like "Yeah, or maybe I can just go for a few days" as if that wasn't a big deal....like he was a completely separate entity and not part of the new 'family'. I don't know if I'm being ultra-sensitive because of pregnancy hormones but my immediate reaction was "Er, no.... I don't want to be left at home with the baby whilst you go to a wedding in the south of france!" .....As in...I want us to be a team/a family - either we all go together or not at all.

Obviously I may feel differently when the baby comes - ie. more confident, and could maybe manage with some help from my Mum for a few days whilst he is away. But I heard that your emotions will be up and down after the birth, and I will maybe still be bleeding a bit or recovering? But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on? We could go and visit his friends when the baby is a bit older....It's just so soon after the birth..

lilyaldrin Fri 03-Jan-14 22:00:09

YANBU, I don't think going on holiday alone a month after you have a baby is reasonable behaviour for a father hmm

Anyway, even if the birth is super easy I doubt you'll be able to get the baby registered and apply for a passport for you all to go within 6 weeks.

Annunziata Fri 03-Jan-14 22:00:38

Your DP is mad, YANBU.

OneUp Fri 03-Jan-14 22:02:31

I don't think YABU.

Could you ask him to wait until after the baby has been born to make a final decision on whether any of you can go?

In general I don't think men really realize what having a baby will be like until the baby is already here. You'll probably still be bleeding at a month post birth, or at least I was.

CrohnicallySick Fri 03-Jan-14 22:03:08

YADNBU. If baby was late and a c section, you might not be fit to fly. There's also the practicalities of getting baby's passport in time, and as you mentioned getting breast feeding established takes time.

FirstStopCafe Fri 03-Jan-14 22:03:57

YANBU. I had intended to go to a good friend's wedding in the UK, 3 hours away from me, when ds was 3 weeks old. We didn't make it. I ended up having a c-section and wasn't up to travelling. There is no way I'd contemplate going abroad so soon after birth and wouldn't want dh to leave us either

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Fri 03-Jan-14 22:04:15

Is it a good friend? If so, I would send him off with a smile. And if you're all able to go, all the better. BUT, I'm one of those parents who doesn't think life just stops because you have a baby.

MrsArthurWellesley Fri 03-Jan-14 22:05:05

I think you might struggle to get a passport in time, what with the baby possibly being late and you needing some recovery time. So I wouldn't plan to go with the baby.

As for DP going alone, that's difficult to say. If you end up with a c section you may still be in a lot of pain and having difficulty moving around easily. Or you may have a straightforward vaginal birth and feel great (but tired) after two weeks. It's really impossible to predict and even if you decide now that DP can go, you might feel differently after the baby is here.

Personally, I wouldn't want to commit to it now, not knowing how things would go. And it would be unfair on the happy couple to leave them hanging if its a very formal wedding and they need numbers etc.

callamia Fri 03-Jan-14 22:05:15

You're going to struggle to get a passport for the newborn, so I don't think you'll be going...

It sounds like he is massively underestimating the demands of a new baby. Lots of people think that a baby can just it in with their plans, and get a bit of a reality check when the exhaustion, unpredictability and bewilderment arrives. Maybe your mum can help you out, but I doubt that he'll want to go once the baby is born.

OOAOML Fri 03-Jan-14 22:05:21

I was still bleeding at a month post partum both times (c section and natural birth). With the section I was in a lot of discomfort (not everyone is, but then you don't know until you're in that situation) and DH did a lot of the lifting for me.

You may give birth on time, and breeze through the whole thing, you might not. You might be perfectly able to cope without him, and relish the peace, you may not. I really think this is a decision that you (both of you) can't take until after the birth, and good friends should understand that.

AuntPittypat Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:23

Hmmm, I think I'm going to go against the grain here... I don't think you are BU at all to feel like this, but I equally think that if the friend getting married is really a very good and very old friend and especially if you have the option of having your mum to stay then you'll be fine without DP for a couple of days a month post birth (barring any complications).

DontmindifIdo Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:28

well the baby won't have a passport, so you and the baby can't go. For a lot of men, until the baby has actually arrived, they don't make the mental shift to responsibility and being a family. IME woman make the shift within a few days of finding out they are pregnant, and certainly long before the baby arrives, but men tend to do this once the baby's actually in front of them.

While he could go, but I would point out that if you've had a csection, you might not be able to walk far, lift things or drive, you might need him to be around. (It's one thing coping during the day when he's at work if he can pick up the shopping needed on the way home or pick up anything you dropped on the floor in the day that evening, if you have to just cope for nearly a week, it could be hard)

I would suggest you say not to buy tickets or book any non-refundable accomodation until the baby has arrived and you know what sort of birth you have had, rather than risk wasting it. If he has to book it then, he probably won't. If he's already booked and paid for it, it's more tempting to go even if then he doesn't actually want to.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:28

Actually. Sorry. That sounded rude. What I meant is, I don't think it necessarily has to be impossible - life continues when you have a child and sometimes it can be fun!

elQuintoConyo Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:38

Whaaaaaaaa?

Could your DH spend a few days hours with a 1mo this weekend? See just how rubbish either of the proposed scenarios are?

You'll be bleeding for about a month. I couldn't sit down even remotely comfortably for about 6 months (forceps). Not to mention if you end up with emcs. You'll still be getting bf established and will perhaps still lack.confidence to whop your boobs out in front of other people - and end up in ypur hotel room every hour as lo.is hungry!

The list is endless... yanbu. Silly man!

Was just coming on to say about not getting a passport in time, but I see lilyaldrin got there first grin. YANBU, personally I wouldn't care (and indeed didn't, though it was a weekend away a four hour drive away rather than another country), but I am not you and you do/will care, so he's an arse if he buggers off to France anyway.

3bunnies Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:49

As lilyaldrin said you probably won't be able to get a passport organised in time, especially if you are overdue. Can take 1-2 weeks to get appointment to register the birth then up to 6 weeks for first passport at that time of year. You won't want the stress at that time. Fairer on bride & groom to either both decline now or just send dh.

joanofarchitrave Fri 03-Jan-14 22:07:00

I certainly think YADNBU about the practicalities of it all, but I shouldn't think your DP is being deliberately exclusive, he just hasn't got his head round the reality of a baby...

I would definitely say to him that you have felt he wasn't thinking at all about the fact that if he goes, it's not that you have been left behind and boo hoo, it's that suddenly you are looking after a baby and yourself 24/7 - his decision to go would mean him deciding for you what you would be doing for every minute he is away. It's true that it's impossible to know what the newborn stage will be like until it happens, but you can at least think about it!

TryDrawing Fri 03-Jan-14 22:08:01

My first baby was 2 weeks late. 2 weeks after this, I was still bleeding profusely from one end, leaking milk from the other, sweating, crying, smelling like cheese and generally assuming I'd failed as a mother. I did not have post natal depression; that is a totally normal way to be 2 weeks after giving birth.

You might be absolutely fine but, if you're not, could you take the extra pressure on top of what I've described? Make the decision you feel most comfortable with, that's the one you're least likely to regret. Best wishes.

By the way, being a mum is awesome. It gets better all the time. It's just that the first bit can be tough.

hippo123 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:08:07

You'll be fine, especially if you have family or friends around to support you. I would let him go personally.

YANBU to feel how you do, but hand on heart I think (providing there are no complications) it will be fairly easy to travel with a very young baby - far easier than an older one, and I wouldn't have had a problem with DH going away for a night or too for a close friends wedding without me, if I didn't want to go. I wouldn't be happy if he was planning to go for a month or anything, but one or two nights should be ok. No harm waiting until after the baby is born for a final decision, but don't rule anything out.

DontmindifIdo Fri 03-Jan-14 22:09:05

oh and the baby won't have a passport because you can't apply for it until the baby is registered. Getting a registration slot can be anything between 2 and 6 weeks (DS was registered at 5 weeks, DD at 3). First passports take over a month. It's just not going to happen in time.

Bluestocking Fri 03-Jan-14 22:09:39

YANBU, but in a way, neither is he - he isn't pregnant, so he probably hasn't thought through all the breastfeeding/still bleeding/recovering from birth stuff - quite apart from probably not realising that your lives will have changed utterly by the time this wedding happens. Google "fourth trimester" for some great information about how the first three months of a baby's life should be treated like an extension of their time in the womb, and how mothers should be encouraged to take it super-easy during that time.

Bloodyteenagers Fri 03-Jan-14 22:10:10

I would send him. It wouldn't be an all or nothing situation.
He wouldn't even need to go for 3 or 4 days depending on the time of the wedding.
At a few weeks old, all they do is eat, maybe shit, cry and sleep. If you are wanting to bf, all his role will be is to change nappies and run around after you.
Just because you have a baby doesn't mean that life comes to a halt. Because it doesn't. He isn't running away from his responsibilities, he is wanting to go to a wedding of an old and dear mate. Nothing wrong with that.

GirlsonFilm Fri 03-Jan-14 22:10:26

We went to a family wedding in Greece when our first child was six weeks old, after an emcs, so it is doable. However we were staying with family which made it a very different experience from staying in a hotel.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Fri 03-Jan-14 22:11:13

He is being ridiculous.

Was this a serious suggestion? I can't believe he'd be so naive!

lifesgreatquestions Fri 03-Jan-14 22:11:45

If I were at a wedding talking to someone and learned that their partner was home with their new born, unless they flew in and out the same day so add to just literally be there to support the friend, I have to admit I would be a little critical of them.

Smartiepants79 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:12:13

Agree with the point about the logistics of passports etc. especially as it will be during a very busy period (summer)
Personally there would have been no way I would have wanted to travel anywhere, let alone abroad with my 4 week old first born. I felt like I'd been put through a washing machine for about 6 weeks afterwards.
You have no idea what is going to happen or even when this baby will be born. Making plans like that is probably not a good idea.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 03-Jan-14 22:14:17

You might get a passport for the baby in time but it would be tight.

If flights were relatively cheap I would let him book one now with the understanding that if you needed him at home when it came to it, he would just lose the money.

Don't feel hurt, it is not necessarily evidence of his commitment to fatherhood, just that the baby is a very abstract concept to him just now!

Good luck with your pregnancy flowers

Seriously hippo?? You would be happy with the father of your new born fucking off for a jolly leaving you at home? You are a better person than me.

Op a month after my due date, ds was only 2 weeks old. I had a cs, was still bleeding, couldn't get out of bed without help and needed help in and out of the shower. I would not have wanted "friends and family" doing those things for me.

Add into that bfing and you need you DP there for you. I dong thing you are overreacting at all. In fact you are being very sensible, where you DP has no sense of what is about to hit him!

PollyCazaletWannabe Fri 03-Jan-14 22:15:26

YANBU, your DP is insane! Just say no.

TaraLott Fri 03-Jan-14 22:17:29

Of course he's naïve, he's not a Dad yet, I'd say leave it til nearer the time, if you're late he maybe won't be able to go anyway depending on when in next August it is.
But if you're ok and have your Mum nearby, I'd be inclined to say to him to go for a few days.

eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:20:35

Thank you everyone for your responses ! Good to know I'm not alone in thinking it's a bit of an unrealistic/undesirable idea.... And I didn't know about the passport...I figured it'd be the kind of thing where you just have to wait and see how the birth goes and how I find being a new mother, how my body is recovering etc. I can't imagine it being very pleasant queueing in the airport/on a place with a teeny baby and still bleeding/uncomfortable if that is the case.

But no worries GirlWithA Dirty Shirt - I understand what you're trying to say - I definitely agree with your sentiment of 'life doesn't end when you have a baby', I'd be quite happy to consider going if the baby was maybe 3 or 4 months old...but I think it'd just be too soon.

It is a pretty good friend although not a best friend...he saw him and his fiance in August this year when he was in France (without me as I was working and unable to get time off work). I don't think it's a very formal wedding...they're a bit of a hippy couple as I understand so we could leave it til baby is born to confirm.

Also we don't have a lot of money and a last minute flight to south of france in August would be £250+ just for him, then add on transfers, food, accomodation...I can't help but think it's just a bit extravagant and we should save our money for something more sensible or at least for when we can all go on holiday as a family. If he goes on his own, it'll probably mean we feel we can't do another trip with the baby for a while, as after every holiday or long weekend away we're always reeling at how much extra it cost than we thought it would !

Thanks everyone for info about passport, bleeding etc...thanks for your support. I think he will feel differently when the baby comes too...I just need to not take it personally and not get too uptight about it now.

TaraLott Fri 03-Jan-14 22:21:00

Could your Mum stay over with you while he's away?

thenightsky Fri 03-Jan-14 22:21:26

DH got sent away on business for 5 days by his horrible boss when DD was only 1 week old. I wouldn't choose it for a leisure break!

YANBU

gwenniebee Fri 03-Jan-14 22:22:32

We flew when my dd was 6 weeks old, and had her passport well in time for us not to be panicking (it took about two weeks to turn around, so the comment above that says they take a month is not necessarily true). However, she had a name within minutes of arrival and was registered straight away. Taking pics of her that fit the bill was funny interesting.

That's just the passport malarkey dealt with.

How long is there between the latest possible arrival date for your baby and the wedding? If it's possible that the baby will only be two weeks old then you'd be silly to entertain the idea, and certainly I would have liked dh to stay at home with me. If he/she may be six weeks old by then you'll probably cope, especially with help from your mum as you mentioned. I took dd aged five weeks for her first visit to her grandparents' house as dh was away on a stag do. I'd hoped she would be older but she was late! It was a good opportunity to convince myself I could manage.

Am rambling too much red wine but what I want to say is that if you give him your blessing to go, I'm sure you'll be fine! If you feel very strongly that you don't want him to, then I think he should support you and stay.

I am really, genuinely shock at the number of people who think he is out of order/ mad. I can't see why this is such a big deal. I would hate my DH to miss a good friends wedding because he didn't want to leave me. You'll have had a baby. He's not going to miss the birth, he's not going for weeks on end, if you feel up to it you can even go with him - the passport shouldn't be an issue tbh. If you are worried, look into it now.

eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:23:24

Oh and also my Mum is not exactly nearby....she lives 3 hours away and would have to arrange for someone to take care of her dog, as we have cats. She'd definitely come if I needed her, but I'd rather not HAVE to rely on her if you know what I mean.

IDontDoIroning Fri 03-Jan-14 22:26:52

It will be virtually impossible to get a passport for baby unless they are a few weeks early but it will be the summer and peak holiday time and there may be an impact on processing times. So I can't see you and baby being able to go in any case.

You could go early/ overdue which could mean you would have anything from a month old plus to 2 week old.

You don't know at this stage what kind of birth you or the baby will have.
If you go on your due date and have a straightforward birth you will probably still be bleeding but hopefully you will have established breast feeding. You may have a more medicalised birth (forceps/ ventouse etc) or a section. I've had forceps /epi/ tear/ stitches and it was still sore for many weeks after but I was mostly back to normal after a month. Not sure about a section as I've never had one but it is major surgery and lifting standing might be difficult so you may need some support.

I would suggest you decline but if possible your dh doesn't commit ( if possible) and doesn't book/ pay for any tickets or accommodation.

eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:31:34

Baby due July 2nd and wedding on August 18th or 22nd...can't remember which he said. Obviously it's a case of wait and see when baby comes and how it all goes. I guess I've just been a bit upset at how casual he was about thinking he was just free to go without really considering that he will have a very new baby at home and a partner needing support...emotional/practical etc. I'm sure he'll re-think when baby comes but it just made me question whether he was taking his responsibility seriously. Maybe pregnancy hormones making me oversensitive which is why I just wanted to get other Mumsnetters opinions as to whether they thought it was normal/practical for a new Dad to go away for a few days when his partner's just given birth, or whether I was just worrying too much.

maddening Fri 03-Jan-14 22:35:38

give him 48 hours enough time to attend a wedding - and make sure your mum will be happy to stay if you need her - nice girly time even with 3 generations of women having a relaxing time of it.

WooWooOwl Fri 03-Jan-14 22:38:59

He probably can't imagine what it's like to have a new baby anywhere near as well as you are picturing it. He's got a shock coming, but it's not so bad that the wedding should be discounted entirely.

I don't think the fact that he's thinking about it means that he's destined to be a terrible father and unsupportive partner.

If you baby comes on time and you have no complications, you'd probably be fine to go, but it is one of those things where you need to wait and see.

timtam23 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:39:27

After my first baby was born (a fairly difficult forceps delivery) I then had post partum sepsis so I was in hospital for most of the first 2 and a half weeks and was very very ill with the sepsis. The episiotomy & breast feeding were the least of my worries! No way could I then have flown to the South of France with a 4 week old or even waved DH off for a solo trip. It took a while to fully recover.
And I was very healthy and had had a textbook "normal" pregnancy and 1st stage of labour as well - the bad bits & serious illness were completely unexpected and therefore quite hard to deal with as I had never imagined being too ill to look after my baby.

We did go to a wedding when DS was 4 months old and it was pretty straightforward by then as we were all back to full health and confident with feeding etc, we also went camping the week after that with no problems

ShadowFall Fri 03-Jan-14 22:41:42

YANBU to not want him to commit to going to a wedding so soon after your due date. I'd be wanting him to leave a final decision until after the baby arrives so you can see how you both feel about it then.

But I don't think it's him checking out of his responsibility as a new Dad so much as it's that he just hasn't thought about what having a newborn will be like, or how it might take you both a while to adjust to a new baby.

teacher123 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:43:34

DH went on a stag do when DS was about 7/8 weeks old (so potentially the age your baby will be depending on when he/she makes an appearance!) I took DS to my parents' house and we were fine. It was for one of DH's really best friends, who was an usher at our wedding and I wouldn't have wanted him to miss it.

MrsMook Fri 03-Jan-14 22:45:40

It was 8 wks when DH had to go abroad with work after my births, and I was only just ready to cope on my own. MiL came to visit after pat leave ended snd that was invaluable. First was an EmCS, and second a Vbac with forceps and 3rd degree tear. Leaving the house was harder after the vbac as I was on laxitives to protect my stitches...

It may all go swimmingly and brilliantly, but there's too many variables for it to be a bad plan.

eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:45:58

Thanks again for all your perspectives.... I guess we just can't plan for it until the baby is born. As I mentioned in a previous post -- it's the money side of it as well. He went to France last August and his flight cost him £250 and that was in advance (school holiday time etc) The factor in transfers, food, accomodation etc. We're not very well off and we will be losing our housemate in May to prepare for baby coming so that's a big chunk of income per month gone. I think if we're going to spend a chunk of money on going abroad (a big chunk for us anyway) then it should be for us all to go as a family somewhere when we're ready. It's crazy for us to pay that much money for him to go for 48 hours. We're not rich by any stretch ! And it's not a best friend's wedding... I've heard this guy's name mentioned maybe 3 times in the whole time we've been together. Hrm. Basically if we were rich and the baby was older then I'd be totally Mrs Laid Back girlfriend waving him off with a smile !!

RandomMess Fri 03-Jan-14 22:47:43

Absolutely can't see you attending as a family. If it's a good friend and your Mum can come and stay whilst he's away then I don't see why not. Life does need to carry on despite having a newborn to a certain extent!

RandomMess Fri 03-Jan-14 22:48:48

X-posts as having techie problems, money definitely a huge deciding factor that he seems to have completely missed!

nannynewo Fri 03-Jan-14 22:49:43

I think you should let him go, it is a close friend after all. You sound as though you would get some help from your mum and he will only be gone a few days. I know many new parents where the father has a job where he works away for several days a week, starting back as soon as the baby is 2 weeks old!
Additionally, some mums may have to do it all alone due to unforeseen circumstances! Such as the father leaving before the baby is born. It is doable and you won't be completely alone!

RevoltInParadise Fri 03-Jan-14 22:50:00

We went from Australia to wales to attend a wedding when ds was a month old. We registered him straight away and got the passport app Ina's soon as we got the birth certificate. Ds was our first too. It was actually a lovely trip. Babies generally sleep well on planes ime, but we may have been lucky! Plus I was bf so that made it easy too.

Also,I thought that babies could travel onthe mums passport. Or that may have changed now?

All that said, I think your wait and see approaches best.

DD was 3 weeks late and a CS. You never know what can happen. Not in a million years would DH be going on a 3 day jolly with this timing. I flew solo with DD transatlantic when she was 3 months so I am no wimp. This is his child too. Who on earth would think it was OK for you to do this? No one, that's who.

FrankAndFurt Fri 03-Jan-14 22:51:16

What about arranging for your Mum to come and stay while your DH goes to the wedding. He would owe you big time and your mum might be delighted to come and help you for a few days.
This is what I would do but it depends on your relationship with your mum.
Make him travel cheaply as well. If he is the type of person that does lovely things for you then you could do this for him. .... However, if he is usually a selfish person then you could refuse.

traininthedistance Fri 03-Jan-14 22:54:31

I was two weeks late and then had a bad birth (forceps) with a long recovery time - it was just over two months before I was able to walk properly / sit down without a lot of pain and I relied totally on my DH during that time to help carry baby, and look after me while I breastfed (and did pretty much everything else) lying down in bed. There would have been no chance either of me going anywhere or of me letting him go! After a straightforward vaginal birth you might feel physically okay but 4-5 weeks will be just when the sleep deprivation is at its worst. Or you might have a CS and, again, have a long recovery time (up to 6 weeks) when you can't easily lift baby, get about etc on your own. And to be honest you will just want to nest and be in your own space and not have the stress of packing and going away! I think new mothers should be looked after and stay in bed for a month or so like in some traditional cultures - it's a very special and strange time and just establishing feeding and getting to know the baby (and recovering from the birth) is your only job for a while.

Our first is due on 8th July and if DH suggested this I'd laugh my arse off. He would not be going and nor would me and the baby.

jacks365 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:57:00

No one knows what will happen. Come the time of the wedding you may be feeling brilliant, settled into feeding and a routine and want to go to show off your pfb then again you may still be in pain and struggling with the day to day caring of a new born. The passport should, as long as you are not late and you can get an early registry office appointment, be ok because by then the real rush is over. The thing is you simply won't know till August. As for your dh going alone again until you get to that point you really won't know how either of you will feel again. This isn't something you can plan you will have to go with the flow.

EvaTheOptimist Fri 03-Jan-14 23:00:02

Some friends held a birthday party about half-an-hour's car drive away, 4 weeks after DD's birth.

There was no way I could attend. Just all too difficult and complicated.

Please do not consider going to this wedding!

TooTryHard Fri 03-Jan-14 23:04:14

We made it to a wedding as a family when dc1 was four weeks old......two miles down the road.

We planned it like a military operation and left after the meal.

If DH had left me on my own I think he'd have found an absolute wreck on his return.

He left me for a couple of nights at eight weeks and that was ok (ish).

JassyRadlett Fri 03-Jan-14 23:05:48

OP, you will get people on this thread who will breezily say 'oh, you'll be fiiine, babies don't do much'. They probably either had relatively easy babies or have forgotten the grinding reality of the first few weeks of new parenthood (as I had until recently when DH reminded me of a few things, like him cutting up my food because DS wouldn't settle, and the fact that DS went through a stage of only sleeping on a person in short bursts, 24/7). It's like I developed amnesia about it and have a much nicer memory of the time than I actually had. Which is fortunate and probably why people have second children.

You have no idea what kind of birth or what kind of baby you'll have. You may have the one who sits happily I the Moses basket and gurgles between feeds or you may have the one with silent reflux, who likes being held all the time, who had huge feeding problems and who had as buying a swing on Amazon Prime in absolute desperation. (If you do happen to give birth to my DS: it's not so bad as he was always very sweet, and he grew out of a lot of his problems quickly and is currently a charming toddler.)

MerylStrop Fri 03-Jan-14 23:16:14

You clearly don't want him to go

But fwiw I think you both should make every effort to go to a good friends wedding. You won't know how the land lies until the baby is here, so make plans and save up. It's an important event.

I wouldn't have been keen on it but when dh kind of had to go away for (Copenhagen for 4 days, speaking at conference/piss up/great gig) when dd was 3 weeks old (and ds1was 2.5), it was actually fine. The idea was much worse than the reality.

MerylStrop Fri 03-Jan-14 23:23:50

Otoh to stuff down thread, your baby could be 8 weeks old, you could be feeling great (well you know, for someone with a newborn) and totally happy to travel, or happy to stay home alone or with friends/your mum on hand.

Life and priorities, freedoms, choices change unutterably when you have kids but it's still important to still make an effort for old friends, especially in their own big life events.

snowed Fri 03-Jan-14 23:25:11

YANBU

Excited85 Fri 03-Jan-14 23:25:51

I agree that you just don't know until after the birth how you'll feel so best option is to decline for now and if everything goes well and you can afford it then he could look at getting a last minute flight.
Can I add though, please don't start worrying that the first few weeks will be horrible as some pps have made out. They might well be, but for everyone who had a tough time there is someone who found it better than they'd thought. Personally we were going out for dinner with dd once she was 4 days old and dh has had a few days away consecutively already (she is now 9 weeks) and I coped perfectly fine. To be honest if you're bf then the babies just need their mum, it's you that might need dh. If you have your mum to help and things are straightforward at the birth I wouldn't worry about coping, am sure you'll be fine.

annieorangutan Fri 03-Jan-14 23:26:54

With both our kids we registered them within 2 days so it might not take long. I would go if you can get passport

hippo123 Fri 03-Jan-14 23:31:44

Yes peartree, although I would see it more as attending a friends wedding that's fucking off on a jolly.
The money side of it would be more of an issue to me. However whilst yes the op may still be bleeding heavily, recovering from a emer cs, struggling with breastfeeding, have severe pnd etc, she may also be fine. I certainly was after my first, not second though. Can't you plan to go and stay with your mum op if you don't think you fancy being alone?

hopingforsleep Fri 03-Jan-14 23:31:57

My DH went abroad to a good friend's wedding for 2 nights when DS was 1 week old (2 weeks overdue). He got the ticket in advance on the strict understanding that he might well not go. As it was DS was an easy baby, my parents came to help me and it was all fine but final call as to whether he was going was made on the day he flew.

EugenesAxe Fri 03-Jan-14 23:32:44

Well I can see both sides really. Newborns are pretty boring; they sleep a lot. I haven't gone far with mine (3 & 2yrs) but would say other ages are far more precious in terms of savouring. Won't be the case for every man, but barring primal urges to protect their children, men tend to do much more of their bonding later, once there's some interaction to be had.

I will also say that you will be on your own after paternity leave ends, just two weeks after birth, or less if it's a fiddly one that takes forever.

So I think on the whole I agree with the following that have been said: no pre-booking and he needs to keep an open mind to not going, if it's a close friend I think you need to do the same vis a vis allowing him to go (taking into account first comment, which basically assumes no extraordinary issues with you or the baby).

hippo123 Fri 03-Jan-14 23:32:53

Than not that's smile

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers Fri 03-Jan-14 23:33:27

I went to a wedding that was 300 miles away from our home when firstborn was 7 weeks. We had to as dh was best man and we also had to stay 2 nights as the groom insisted. I was awful and I just wanted to be at home with my newborn AND my dh, the travelling was bad as was breast feeding a baby that liked to feed very very regularly!

ActiveTimes Fri 03-Jan-14 23:33:39

We traveled abroad when the DT's were 3 weeks old (after c-section), got the passports when they were 2 weeks old after applying for them when they were 3 days. It can be done with little hassle.

I'm going against the majority on here and say if it's only for a weekend then let him go by himself if you don't want to go. DH had to go away for 6 days (another country in Europe) for work when the DT's were 5 weeks old and I coped fine with no help. They sleep most of the time when they are tiny anyway.

You say the wedding is for a very good old friend, of course he wants to go.

MerylStrop Fri 03-Jan-14 23:38:20

I'd suggest you presume he's going, get your respective heads round it and plans in place, on the proviso that if everything's dreadful or anyone's sick he won't go.

Better that way round than presume you're/he's not going, then all be just fine and him miss the chance.

Juno77 Fri 03-Jan-14 23:38:54

Sorry - I'm here to agree with active. We took DS away when he was 3 weeks old, passport only took a couple of weeks to arrive and we registered him at 3 days old.

I'm pregnant now and DH is away for 4 days when baby will be 4 weeks old, and I have a (3 day) trip with a friend planned for a fortnight after that.

I don't think it's that big a deal tbh. If you don't think you fancy it, let him go alone.

Coveredinweetabix Fri 03-Jan-14 23:53:12

I'm one of those who doesn't see what the big deal is. I think it may be a bit much for you all to go and the passport could be an issue at that time of year but, given you don't know the bride & groom, I think that it would be understandable if just your DP went. You have plenty of notice of the dates so can book the cheapest flights, organise your mum to come & stay and get her dog in kennels or looked after by a friend. Alternatively, could you go to your mum's for a few nights? DP had to go to a funeral 5 hrs away and stay overnight when DC1 (48hr labour, forceps, third degree tear) was 9 days old and then had to go on a business trip when DC2 (pretty much fell out of me) was 3 weeks old. Both of them were fairly short notice so I wasn't able to arrange any "back up" in terms of my parents coming to stay but I managed. With DC1, my expectations were simply to survive and I'd stocked up on ready meals & chocolates and had no plans of leaving the house but ended up going for a walk, to a baby group etc. I was also slightly resentful at the time of DP going to the funeral but, in hindsight, realise it was definitely the right thing to do. When DP went away after DC2 was born, it didn't actually cross my mind to even worry about it as I just knew I'd have to get on with it.
I find our social life has been so curtailed/changed by having DCs (one of us always has to be at home in the evening) that weekends away by yourself are one of the best ways of socialising. My DC are now 4yo and 19mths and DP has a ski weekend, a golf weekend and a cricket weekend in the diary in the next 6mths and I have hen party and a work thing. As long as there's plenty of notice so I can organise my parents to come & stay, to go & stay with the ILs or a few social plans, I think its pretty good for both of us to have this freedom.

fuckwittery Sat 04-Jan-14 00:02:25

I've had three DC and I wouldnt have been fit to travel 1 month after due date with any of them. DC1 10 days late, EMCS slow recovery. DC2 18 days late, EMCS. DC3 2 weeks early, a tear which put me out of action for 2 weeks but breastfeeding still v problematic at 6 weeks so wouldnt have been able to travel.
I was desperate for actual physical help after DC1 and DC2 and 1 month after due date was still a wreck hobboing around, if left on own by DH would have been v resentful even if someone else came to help me.
DD3 - DH left me for a week taking older DC away, but that was to help to give me a break from the older ones. Its hard to explain how jealous and resentful you can feel after first baby, tied by breastfeeding and wondering if you'll ever be able to leave the house easily again, I wanted to scream at DH just for going to work as I couldnt see when I'd ever be able to swan out the door again without a baby, mix that feeling with a sojourn to a wedding abroad and I think you have a recipe for disaster. You may not feel like I did, but it is a common feeling.

kickassangel Sat 04-Jan-14 00:21:29

It doesn't really matter how easy or otherwise it could be. It is not unreasonable for a first time mum to want their partner to be around to support them in the first few weeks.

Add to that that they can't really afford it, and it would be very selfish of him to go.

Saving the money to pay for some extras or cover extended mat leave or all three of them going into e spring would be much more considerate.

cees Sat 04-Jan-14 00:21:52

I really would understand if someone didn't come to my wedding due to having a new born, because frankly a baby is hugely life changing and way more important then a wedding no matter who is getting married.

Tell your dh how you feel and tell him it won't matter how important a friendship is right now because his new born will take priority over a wedding any day.

Nanny0gg Sat 04-Jan-14 00:35:07

If the OP had a wedding to go to instead of her DH it would be impossible and she really wouldn't want to go anyway.

Why doesn't her DH feel the same?

You couldn't have paid my DH to leave me and DC at that stage in our lives.

Iwilltrythisnamefornow Sat 04-Jan-14 00:49:20

I would in principle agree that he could go on his own on the basis he waits until after the birth to confirm his acceptance to see how things are. If all is well with you both, I don't see why it is a problem for him to go.
Lots of dads have returned to work by this time (4-6 weeks later) and have to work away, so to me, the point about being away for 2-3 nights is something that lots of new mums cope with, and this is a one-off life event for a good friend.
However if, heaven forbid, anything drastic happens with you or the baby, he should be equally happy to pull out.
But I was in Legoland 3 days after giving birth to daughter number 2 and on Bournemouth beach on day 4 (and had a fab time both days) so I may not be the best person to take advice from grin

annieorangutan Sat 04-Jan-14 00:56:26

I definitely dont think dh would go away that soon without me aa he would miss the baby, however I do think you should both try and go but wait until you have given birth and get a late deal

Bloodyteenagers Sat 04-Jan-14 01:01:43

How do some of you think that single mums cope, or those with partners away in the forces etc? They suck it up and deal with it.
Op plan for him going. You can do this. Millions of mims worldwide cope on their own, even after stitches, tears, csections etc...
Suprised noone has suggested u stay with ur mum instead of her
Coming
To yours

RaspberryRuffle Sat 04-Jan-14 01:20:45

In principle, I'd tell him to book a cheap flight now, just for him, this far in advance he should get a good deal, but that his attendance will depend on how you feel at the time. I wouldn't consider going myself since it's not your friend getting married so not important to you, ie, no gain for you.
For me the actual going would not be a problem unless I physically needed him there, the thing is you've mentioned money - so get him to calculate flights, accommodation, can he share with another friend, does he have a suit, what about wedding gift, any meals out etc, and budget accordingly.
I don't think either of you are unreasonable exactly but maybe you're a bit harsh saying it would be irresponsible, and he's very naive to think it would definitely be feasible for you all to go.

volvocowgirl Sat 04-Jan-14 01:20:48

I love the way most people are too busy telling their own stories to read the updates from OP.
OP you are not being unreasonable, and your huge concerns about the money (that appear to have been ignored by most) are something you should be worrying about - as babies can be bloody expensive, especially if your budgets tighter than usual due to maternity pay, etc.
Talk to your OH about the money first and foremost - if you can solve that problem then at least it might be one less thing for you to worry about and you might be able to see some practical solutions re the rest of it.
Personally, I wouldn't want to put any money into buying tickets, etc, until baby is born and I had a clearer picture of my health and whether i'd cope.
Take no notice of the "how do single mums cope" comments - you're not a single mum. You're right in your OP you should be a team.
Hope the birth goes well. smile

How do some of you think that single mums cope, or those with partners away in the forces etc? What about single dads? They probably don't fuck off to the South of France leaving their child behind.

wouldbemedic Sat 04-Jan-14 01:52:20

The passport probably won't be an issue...yours will be enough.

HomeIsWhereTheGinIs Sat 04-Jan-14 01:56:05

Although I understand why you wouldn't want him to go alone (yanbu), I just wanted to say you can certainly fly with babies you get than a month so please disregard the points saying you won't get a baby passport in time. One of our friends attended an international wedding with her baby of about a month old.

wouldbemedic Sat 04-Jan-14 02:02:11

After my daughter was born, I was in that small proportion of women who lose their ability to walk at all, really. I was trapped upstairs in a small house, unable to look after the baby unless she was passed to me, replying on DH's help as a carer to mother DD. I also needed him to keep three painkiller timetables going simultaneously and offer moral support in the frightening situation we were in. At that time, a day felt like a week. DD had a wedding to go to when DD was three/four weeks old. It was his brother's wedding and the family were up in arms at the thought of his possibly not making it. He was devastated at the possibility. But I felt as you do, OP. So we compromised - he flew over for the day. It was enough to make him - and everyone else - feel he'd been at the wedding. And I gritted my teeth and survived a day (largely) alone.

chickieno1 Sat 04-Jan-14 02:07:42

I think your dp should go on his own. If he looks at flights now he should be able to get a cheap ticket (easy jet or Ryan air?). Then it won't be so bad if he can't go at the end. Also could he plan to share a room and maybe only go for one night?
My dh had to go away for work for a weekend when dc1 was about 3 weeks old. I had an emcs but managed, got plenty of easy food organised and just stayed in feeding baby etc. he also had to go away for work for a night when dc2 was 10 days old. Another csection and harder cos had two. To look after but managed.
You should talk to your dp about this properly though
Good luck

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 04-Jan-14 02:21:43

Based on my own births after 2 weeks I was fine and could have easily coped for a few days, as long as I had a few home cooked meals in the freezer that all that was needed was warmed up. I wouldn't have been up to traveling far

The trouble is not knowing until the baby arrives.

Tonandfeather Sat 04-Jan-14 03:02:19

If he's only mentioned this friend 3 times in your whole relationship, he's evidently not a close friend and I can't see why this term keeps being used when you've said he's not. You've also said your budget cannot stretch to this break.

Best to assume you won't want to go yourself and that getting a passport on time will prove difficult. Also best to assume that you will want him close by for support and help and that you won't want to be far away from familiar surroundings for more than a couple of hours at a time.

His friends will understand - in the future when they have their own children - and straight away if they've already had a baby.

stripeyshoes Sat 04-Jan-14 03:21:51

Getting a first passport in the summer is a huge hassle. I flew long haul with 3 week old dd2 and getting the passport was one of the most stressful things I have ever done. Do not underestimate this.

I would probably tell dh I didn't want him to go. It sounds like money is a consideration - let him know that you are not comfortable with him spending so much on himself, when there are now 3 of you to think of. It also sounds like you are hurt he isn't concerned about being away from you both. He will probably change his mind once the baby is born.

My dh had a business trip to Asia (9 days) when dd1 was 4 weeks old. We flew to mom's house for that time. I would not have wanted to be alone with a new baby then. Yanbu btw.

picklesrule Sat 04-Jan-14 03:58:25

If it was a close friend and money was no object I would be planning for your DH to go leaving you at home with baby (you will be fine and maybe enjoy the solitude (my DH travelled for work 3 days after our 2nd was born..it was actually more peaceful ;0)
BUT if money an object and not an important friend I would be saying why bother..better to save the cash and go away as a family (or for a trip just the two of you before baby comes!)

horsetowater Sat 04-Jan-14 04:00:22

Play it by ear. Chances are a new Dad won't enjoy being away from his new baby and new mother anyway, he doesn't know that yet but you could suggest it to him, rephrase the question, 'I appreciate that you want to go and represent the family but if you don't feel happy leaving us behind I don't mind if you don't go'. And maybe you will want him to, perhaps you will need a couple of nights on your own.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sat 04-Jan-14 04:05:59

What if your baby is early & requires medical intervention? Fingers crossed that doesnt happen but it is something that happened to me and there was no way we would have left him in hospital to go abroad.

Anyway it is unlikely you will get his passport in time to travel .

horsetowater Sat 04-Jan-14 04:05:59

I went to a friend's wedding abroad when heavily pregnant and with a one year old, it was a challenge, but the friend died suddenly a few months later, his son never saw his father. Life is too short to restrict yourself unnecessarily.

NickyEds Sat 04-Jan-14 04:24:21

I am currently feeding my 13 day old for an hour at a time every 1 1/2 hours.I'm struggling to go to the co op for food let alone on holiday for days. Sorry to be a doom merchant- maybe it will be different for you- but having my baby has been a total bombshell. far far harder than i ever imagined it could be. I had a relatively straight forward birth but hadn't slept for 56 hours when i left hospital and don't honestly feel I've caught my breath since. Still bleeding, still slightly dodgy sitting for too long still crying daily- 13 days is nothing-sooo early days. My DS is tongue tied so BF is a nightmare- hoping it will get better after his snip on Monday. This is a two man job-I simply couldn't BF without my OH. You may be different but I really wouldn't promise him a pass out for this one- I'm sure his friend would understand.

horsetowater Sat 04-Jan-14 04:32:00

Nicky, where you are at is perfectly normal, I had forgotten about the 90 minute sleep thing! Remember you don't have to BF if it's not working out. The first two weeks are most important and you have done that now. I didn't cry every day but I certainly didn't go out of the house for about 3 weeks.

NickyEds Sat 04-Jan-14 04:42:36

When I think back 3-4 weeks ago my expectations were completely unreasonable- I thought everything would be settled and organised. Some ladies do manage and are out and about in a few days just don't bet on it! I certainly wouldn't risk un-refundable cash on it. You can get flights to France on practically the same day so if you can leave it till after the birth I would- If you can't I'd say no to him going

bragmatic Sat 04-Jan-14 05:06:38

We've done things on our own (weekends away, weddings etc) leaving the other to look after the baby/kids many times since we had our children.

I think 'if I can't go, you can't go' is being a but U.

fhdl34 Sat 04-Jan-14 05:15:51

My ds is 4.5 weeks old, he's our second child but I still wouldn't want dh going away when baby is this small. If it was me I'd make it very clear I didn't want him going anywhere. And if it makes you feel less guilty, I asked dh to cancel a theatre trip when ds will be 7 weeks old as I just don't think I'll be ready to fly solo for what would effectively be a whole day as he'd be home very late.
I had no issues with bfing dd but it was still bloody hard work for the first 12 weeks as she clusterfed every evening for 6 hours; sometimes I just needed someone to hold her so I could stand up to relieve my back and have someone else hold her while she screamed because she was off boob.
DS is different again, lots of problems with feeding in the beginning, you just cannot predict what will happen, and bottle feeding will not necessarily make things easier, as my poor sil is discovering with my 3 week old niece. Whichever way you do it, newborns are relentless hard work made all the more difficult with birth recovery and lack of good quality sleep

MrRected Sat 04-Jan-14 05:17:06

We travelled to the South of France by car when Ds1 was 5 weeks old. Passport was no problem and the trip itself was wonderful. DS fed and slept like a dream - lots of driving.

I'd do it again in an instant. BUT, I'd be mindful and accepting of any circumstances which meant we could not go. Traumatic birth, passport delays, can't be arsed etc.

Fwiw - I'd be very wary of the whole "giving permission to participate in non child related activities" approach post birth. This is a perfect start to problems down the track.

AngryBeaver Sat 04-Jan-14 05:23:12

I went on a 2 week ohiliday in Portugal when dc 3 was about 6 weeks. But my dh and mum came too.
I found it fine. lovely actually.
But then it wasn't my first experience of motherhood.

We hired a villa with a pool, so we didn't really have to go anywhere or do anything and nothing was expected of me, other than resting and feeding!

Can't remember the flight being a problem or anything.

But, saying all that, I just don't think I would go when I was a first time mum.

Your husband will probably change his mind when he realises he's so knackered he's forgotten his own name grin

MissWimpyDimple Sat 04-Jan-14 05:33:09

Quite honestly, providing things are reasonably straightforward birth wise, I don't see why you couldn't manage on your own perfectly well for a few days.

I know this isn't a competition, but I was alone from day 2. My mum who lives abroad was able to come for 48 hours and then had to leave (her mum died).

No picnic, but your baby will be a month old. You will more than likely be physically fine by then and bleeding should have stopped.

TheZeeTeam Sat 04-Jan-14 05:36:14

I think it's pretty normal to go on holiday with a newborn. We drove to the South of France when DC1 was 4 weeks old and again when DC4 was 6 weeks old (with a 13 month old, 2 year old and 6 year old as well). I know people who emigrated to Australia with a 4/5 week old, so I don't think a weekend wedding in France is out of the realms of normality.

If you don't want to go, don't. But, if it's your DH's good friend, I can't understand why you would automatically think no, before you even know how you're going to cope.

KingRollo Sat 04-Jan-14 05:52:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

woodlandwanderwoman Sat 04-Jan-14 06:07:39

Another point to add, your body will not feel like your own a month after giving birth and you'll likely feel like you look rubbish no matter what you wear! It won't help matters and you'll also need a dress you can feed in.

I would say that the passport reason is v practical one for not going, up to you whether DH goes. I don't know your relationship with friends well enough to say if I'd mind but if he just goes for 24h (not a full holiday!) then it won't be all that bad. If it was super important to my DH I'd let him go, there's not a lot he can do that first month anyway if you're feeding other than support you and under "normal" circumstances you should be able to manage.

Havingagoodny Sat 04-Jan-14 08:19:10

Firstly you could easily get a passport, it's takes a week or so and you can rush them through. Secondly, south of France is only a short flight and perfectly doable with a baby so practically you could do it. I have done a mediumhaul holiday with a 6 week old and it was very easy. However, you may not feel up to it but it's not a given that you won't be able to. Finally, I think your DH is perfectly reasonable to suggest he goes so long as you can arrange your mum or someone to come and stay. It's hardly very far. There are loads of flights to south of France so he could take an early morning one and fly back on the last night one the following day. I think you are being a bit precious about him not going tbh.

I do think wait and see is a good option.
Re the passport, can't you book an appointment with your nearest pAssport office to get the passport same day, make it for a few days before you go to allow time to get baby registered. that's the passport sorted.
Re the cost of flights, depending where in France the wedding is, it's much cheaper to drive than to fly, we have just come back from Paris before Christmas, flights would have cost us near £1k for 4 of us plus baby, we drove instead and the fuel and ferry was £250.
You may feel absolutely bloody awful and not want to travel any further than the fridge/toilet/tv at that stage, I know I did first time around (bad birth, pnd, baby with colic) but you may also feel ok and quite with it (I did second and third times with easy non instrumental deliveries)
Agree he's not being twattish wanting to go, he just hasn't got his head round the reality of having a newborn yet and likely won't until the baby arrives. He's also not subject to the massive doses of hormones you are currently subject to!

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 04-Jan-14 08:31:16

First passports in the height of the summer - really you'd be very lucky to get it processed in a week.

If your DH could book a cheap flight now but then be prepared to cancel if necessary. My DH was meant to go to a wedding a week after I had dc3 but cancelled in the end as I was a tad overwhelmed.

Mikkii Sat 04-Jan-14 08:38:32

I'm a bit confused why everyone thinks getting the baby a passport is a problem. We registered DS's birth before he was a week old, we applied for his passport when he was 3 weeks old as DH's aunty had a big heart attack.

Using the check and send service it came in about a week. We could have applied as soon as birth was registered.

enjolraslove Sat 04-Jan-14 08:43:46

First passports- call for a registration appointment the day baby is born, take the first one you can (though in my current borough you just show up so could be done as soon as you leave hospital), then go to the passport office and pay the extra. We had ours for dc1 when she was 4 weeks (flew to the states at 6 weeks so it was important!).

But if you don't feel strongly about you being at the wedding just send your dh. You will be fine, my dp left for work when dc 1 was 7 days old for 4 days. Similar when dc2 was born. I know my dad was away for 3 weeks when I was 3 and my sis was 2 weeks old, following an emcs. Mum was fine. (And no family around either)
Yes, you will be tired but unless one of you is ill (when you rethink but you would have to anyway) you will be fine.

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 04-Jan-14 08:49:12

I had a holiday planned for when DS was 8 weeks old, it was pretty straightforward to get a passport as long as you are both uk nationals. We registered the birth within 3 days, had photos done, and the passport was received 4 days later. But we were very focused as that was what we wanted.

If this is a good friend, I think your DP should go, even if you can't. My DH had to work on a training course when DS2 was 4 days old, meaning he was away 5 days, home 4, for 6 weeks. My mum stepped into the breach and whilst it was sad my DH was away it wasn't the end of the world. Could you not suggest your DP goes for 2 nights? Also if you are breastfeeding there will be little your DH can do with the baby at that age as all they will do is sleep and feed.

(Then start planning the big favour you are owed in return!! ;-))

SanityClause Sat 04-Jan-14 08:49:48

People's experiences are all different. You may find you can cope either with DH going alone, or even all of you going.

I was back at work with each of my DC within a week of the birth - I took them into work with me. And, we went on holiday to Spain when DD2 was only about 8 weeks old.

Some people really do have a difficult time after the birth - I get that. But, you won't necessarily be one of them.

mameulah Sat 04-Jan-14 08:55:02

YADNBU! I would tell him that I wanted to go, that the baby could be formula fed and that you were looking into hotels. Just to make the point that you are not the baby's carer. You both are. My dh is a great Dad, as I am sure your DH will be, but he still says, 'I'm going out on Thursday' (hardly ever, once or twice a year) and I say, 'Oh, who is going to look after the baby?' Just to make the point. I would NEVER assume I was going out. YADNBU. And after one month you are right, you will be emotional and very, very tired. The idea that he is off for a party is absolutely rubbish. And very, very short sighted.

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 04-Jan-14 08:55:23

Ps I bet your mum would love some alone time with her daughter and new grandchild and the chance to be indispensable and needed!!

BoffinMum Sat 04-Jan-14 08:56:48

I am pretty intrepid but if I were you I would skip this, unless you feel absolutely amazing after the birth, at which point you could send DH off to organise passports and so on, and book a last minute flight, if you change your mind.

BoffinMum Sat 04-Jan-14 08:57:40

Alternatively give birth in the South of France??winkgrin

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 04-Jan-14 09:01:14

Oooo boffin I like that plan. Côte d'Azur.... Nice. :-))

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 04-Jan-14 09:01:42

That should read Côte d'Azur!

Beautifulbabyboy Sat 04-Jan-14 09:02:18

Grrr iphone...

I honestly wouldnt think twice about my DH having a couple of days away when the baby was 4/6 weeks old. I would ask him to stay if I had had a csrc and couldnt physically do stuff, but not otherwise.

in fact, I have a hen weekend booked which (had my last pg been successful), I would have been going on six weeks post partum (two nights in Bruges), and DH would have been the one to stay behind with a six week old. When I started a thread on here, it was unanimous in its support of me doing so, so this thread smacks a little of double standards

SoupDragon Sat 04-Jan-14 09:07:48

I don't think going is a problem at all. I took DD to Spain to visit her grandparents (EXH's parents) when she was 6 weeks old and I did it alone with two older children too. But she was my third born so I knew what I was doing and confident in what to do with a baby!

The passport wasn't a problem at all.

angeltulips Sat 04-Jan-14 09:10:05

i don't understand why you wouldn't book it (either just for dh or for all of you depending on your pref) and then cancel if you need, rather than waiting until you see what you feel like and then trying to cancel?

i think it's a mindset thing - as long as you can cancel, why not give it a go?

SoupDragon Sat 04-Jan-14 09:10:23

If you don't feel up to going, I do think you should let him go with good grace - looking after a 6 week old (assuming a straight forward birth) really isn't any more difficult by yourself when it's just you and one baby. Make sure the freezer is well stocked with stuff you can bung in a microwave and it's quite straightforward.

Nanny0gg Sat 04-Jan-14 09:12:50

But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on?

This^^

I quite agree with you.

Add on that it isn't a 'best' friend, that your finances are stretched and you don't know how you will feel post-birth, I think he would be most unreasonable to go.

If people choose to have weddings abroad, they just have to accept that some people cannot attend.

All the practicalities people are addressing on here are besides the point of how the OP feels really.

NoDiggity Sat 04-Jan-14 09:18:45

I have a 10 week old baby (my first) and I was very much out and about from day one but I wouldn't have wanted to go abroad if I could help it in those early weeks. It's hard work and you will be shattered. The baby needs feeding every 2 hours which makes doing anything a bit tricky!

My dp was away for one night after three weeks and it was fine (I got my mum to stay over so I had an extra pair of hands) but I wouldn't have been keen on much longer than that. So maybe he could go for a couple of nights but say it will hugely depend on how many weeks old the baby is and how you are feeling after the birth. Everyone's different but I found it difficult to get around and was on strong painkillers for a while.

You might feel great after the birth and want to go but you can't commit to it now and it's not worth stressing over so just see how you feel at the time.

YADNBU!!

I imagine your dp will feel differently once the baby is here.

Losthearts Sat 04-Jan-14 09:23:55

I can understand how you feel. My DH went away for 5 days for a conference abroad when my DD was just 3 weeks old.

My mum and sister both had bad colds so couldn't help but I managed. It was good in one sense because most of time you wll be on your own with the baby so it is good to get used to it.

sandyballs Sat 04-Jan-14 09:34:40

Barbie aren't that difficult generally!!! Esp newborns, it would be harder on your own a year later when they're on the go all the time.

My DH had to work ridiculously long hours when our twins were born, to enable me to have a longer maternity leave. No family to help, except his mum popping in for an hour once a week.

Maybe I'm looking back with rose tinted specs but I don't recall being unable to do anything on my own and I had a CS.

I realise some births are traumatic though and take some recovery. Butq generally speaking I think you could easily manage a weekend in France with one month old baby.

SoupDragon Sat 04-Jan-14 09:39:22

If people choose to have weddings abroad...

I got the impression that the friend lives there.

Welshwabbit Sat 04-Jan-14 09:40:50

Just on the passport thing - the law has changed and the baby will need his/her own passport. It's no longer possible to travel on the mother's passport. The baby's birth will need to be registered before you can get the passport. I don't know where you live, OP, but in my London borough it can take ages to get a registration slot. We rang up the day after our son was born and the first slot was almost 6 weeks away! I suppose they may have a priority track for people who need to register early - we didn't ask. I would be wary about planning to go as a family, regardless of how you are going to be feeling.

In terms of whether your partner should go I agree with those who say you should see how you feel after the baby is born - but obviously if the trip is too expensive anyway YANBU to ask your partner not to go.

JingleJoo Sat 04-Jan-14 09:45:17

I would 'let' DH go if it was important to him ( ie. It was a v close friend) and if we could afford it. I would expect it to be subject to cancellation should baby be born very late, or if there were any complications. But in reality your baby may well be almost 2 months old by the time of the wedding. However, I would expect the trip to be kept as short as possible.

I did have a little chortle at the not wanting to miss precious cherished newborn moments. In hindsight I recognise they were precious, but at the time I would have paid a million pounds for a night away in a hotel!

Plateofcrumbs Sat 04-Jan-14 09:45:38

I definitely don't think it's unreasonable not to want to go yourself - yes it may be possible, yes you might enjoy it, but having that extra stress hanging over you of planning and worrying about how you will feel may negate any of that.

However, I think it is unreasonable to dismiss any idea of your DH going. He should definitely not just assume it's OK and it's a decision you need to make together. But all being well you should be 4-6 weeks in by that point, and short of having an unusually traumatic time of it, you should be starting to find your feet a little by this point.

Presumably your mum will want to come visit you at some point in the first couple of months anyway to meet her grandchild, so will have to get people to look after dogs etc anyway. Assuming you get on well with your mum it could be a lovely opportunity for the three of you to spend time together.

Flights may be cheap if booked now. Assuming he can get cheap flights and generally economise on the trip (minimum number of nights away etc) I don't think it unreasonable for you to plan for him to go but be prepared to cancel if you're struggling.

As others have said in the early days a lot of your socialising opportunities are likely to be independent of each other. A little further down line you'll no doubt appreciate the opportunities to have some independent time will DH looks after baby. It's all give and take - if DH goes away this time you'll have some 'credit banked' for the future.

Juno77 Sat 04-Jan-14 09:50:24

You know, lots of people have babies and don't have a DH or family to help. And they manage just fine.

Some people are rather bloody precious.

OP - go if you want. Don't go if you don't want to. Let DH make his own choice too. Done.

BookFairy Sat 04-Jan-14 09:52:21

People seem to be ignoring the money issue.

If the cost is a big chunk of your budget YWNBU to ask your DH to go through your finances together and look at what you you could/couldn't afford wrt flights/hotels etc.

neunundneunzigluftballons Sat 04-Jan-14 10:00:51

I would feel the same as you OP.

JugglingIntoANewYear Sat 04-Jan-14 10:06:32

My DH often goes on trips abroad with work and one came up that was around when DS was due - not essential (was something he could opt out of) but an exciting sounding opportunity. DH reckoned he'd still go even if it meant not being there for the birth.
I wasn't happy with that thinking at all, but fortunately trip didn't pan out anyway.
I did enjoy going away together when dd (dc1) was a few weeks old - change of scene was very pleasant, but that was all together to a family gathering in the UK.

TeacupDrama Sat 04-Jan-14 10:08:49

if you really wanted to go it is doable, just depends where you live; here DH could register birth the day of the birth, you can pay extra to get passport in a hurry,48 hour turn around.
In scotland the birth has to be registered within 21 days I believe in England you have 6 weeks, just saying that this obstacles can be easily overcome if you want to

that said if you do not want to go YANBU, however Dh is also YANBU in wanting to go to friends wedding

i had EC but 10 days later DH had to go away for 5 days on business I coped fine, had friends nearby but not family; while you may bleed for a month you may only be bleeding for a couple of weeks, your baby may need feeding every 90 minutes on the otherhand they may go 3-4 hours between feeds at 6 weeks, most people who have easy babies say little as it upsets other mums who are struggling

we traveled to see my parents 10 hours drive away when Dd was 6 weeks old (3 weeks really as born at 37 weeks and she was tiny) travelling with tiny baby much easier than with young toddler

however you say money is tight so that is a good reason for a discussion on feasibility, missing 3 days of a healthy newborns life is not the end of the world or in reality that big a deal,

neither you or DH are being unreasonable

trixymalixy Sat 04-Jan-14 10:15:50

We took DD to Rome when she was 8 weeks old and it was fine. However we left it until after she was born to book flights etc to make sure everything was ok. Passport turnaround time was 2 weeks even in the summer.

However, I wouldn't have been feeling up to going abroad after DS was born. So YANBU not to want to plan to go as you don't know how things will be.

bedhaven Sat 04-Jan-14 11:04:19

I hoped to attend my friends wedding in south of France about a month after due date of my second baby. We didn't make it as he was 13 days late and you can't fly with a baby under 14 days old, let alone making and attending an in person appointment for a passport. I really wanted to go but in retrospect I'm really glad we didn't. That time is where the world revolves around your baby, which doesn't combine well with a wedding where everything should revolve around the couple. If my husband wanted to have gone, I don't think I'd have minded so long as I had my Mum or similar staying with me. At that stage, all my attention went to the baby so long as I had some practical support a couple of days wouldn't have mattered. It would only be for something special like a wedding though.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 04-Jan-14 11:14:36

Rather mean to measure his "father" skills by the fact he wants to see a good friend get married. What exactly would he miss the newborn do? Presumably he will be back at work so missing the days with him/her anyway.

The money side is separate but he should have a say in what his income is spent on just as you should re yours. You are both adults, neither needs permission to do something and a friends wedding is a big deal to some people.

curlew Sat 04-Jan-14 11:15:27

I don't know about the practicalities of passports and so on, but in terms of actually travellng, you can't possibly know how you'll be. I could happily have done it- but I had short labours, "easy" trouble free births and found bf easy. And I was ridiculously desperate to be out and about.nI know loads of people who couldn't have done it, and loads more who could have but wouldn't have wanted to.

As to your Dp going-I think you might be being a bit unreasonable there. Unless there are any issues which mean you need extra help, you will be fine without him for a couple of days. Whether or not he wants to go is another matter. Dp cried when he left us when he had to go back to work- and would have been a gibbering heap if he had had to stay away overnight. Much more emotional than I was!

beginnings Sat 04-Jan-14 11:17:07

Everyone's different and reacts to birth differently which is reflected in the responses here. I think your DH is being a tad unrealistic and a bit selfish in the way that he's approached it but, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may just have phrased it badly.

If money is an issue, be warned that flights to Nice in August are not at all cheap. They're expensive basically from the Cannes festival in May through to September.

I could have contemplated this with DD2 although she was is dreadfully unsettled at night so DH helps out. At that age with DD1 there is no way I'd have been happy about it but ironically would have been fine as she was a much more predictable baby (anyone who says the second one just slots in needs to come to my house for the day, but that's another thread).

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! See how you feel later in the pregnancy and see what support you can put in place for when he's gone.

milk Sat 04-Jan-14 11:18:23

Depends on your situation:

If you have family or friends who could help you for a few days then you should let him go.

If you will be all by yourself then he should stay at home!

beginnings Sat 04-Jan-14 11:30:29

Oh and regarding the passport thing, it'd be fine. They tell you three weeks but with both of mine I used the check and send service and it was about a week.

fedup21 Sat 04-Jan-14 11:59:06

How pregnant are you, OP? If you're due in July, presumably you're only a couple of months gone? Tbh at 12 weeks pregnant, my DH said some stupidly optimistic things at that stage about what it would be like when our DC arrived! Also, do the wedding couple even know you're pregnant-presumably you aren't showing yet?

I think the couple will be v understanding if you/he decides not to go when you explain the situation.

HairyPotter Sat 04-Jan-14 13:35:10

As long as we could manage financially, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. My dh went skiing abroad for 5 days when dd1 was 4 weeks old. Wasn't a problem. I was envy that I couldn't go too but glad that he wasn't going to miss out.

It was actually lovely to have her all to myself for a few days.

maddy68 Sat 04-Jan-14 14:33:13

I took my baby to the south of France when she was 3 weeks old. It'll be fine!
What are you worried about? I was fine, my baby was fine my dh was knackered as I made sure he looked after both of us grin

maddy68 Sat 04-Jan-14 14:35:08

Ps you can get a passport the same day. That isn't too much if an issue.

Zamboni Sat 04-Jan-14 14:39:30

OP I probably wouldn't have wanted to travel and be away from home myself ( other than at my DPs or PIL) but I 'd have no problem with DH going. DH went on a week long stag do when DD was 5wo. It was fine.

AngryBeaver Sun 05-Jan-14 00:10:27

Juno, rather unreasonable of you to expect the op to 'think herself lucky' she has a dh?!
We don't all reflect on the circumstances of others before making our own choices.
You look at your own situation and decide from there.
We could all do a lot of 'what if's " about more or less everything.

Fwiw,I will be coping, more or less alone in a foreign country with 3 dc plus a newborn.
I am pretty bloody stressed about that.
But I can still look at the ops situation and advise/suggest from the details she has given us.

I didn't read anything about a money issue (skimming) but if there was a problem with budget that would narrow down the choices for me.
Either dh goes for one night, or no one does smile

AngryBeaver Sun 05-Jan-14 00:11:01

Overuse of more or less!

Juno77 Sun 05-Jan-14 00:17:38

I wasn't really talking to the op, this wasn't my first post here. I was really talking to all the outraged posers who've made a huge deal of being apart from her DH.

foreverondiet Sun 05-Jan-14 00:22:52

If it was a really close friend and I had other help it would send my dh on the basis of one overnight away only. You might be up to it but won't know until nearer the time.

Toecheese Sun 05-Jan-14 08:12:56

He would only go if a) it's a close friend and b) you have the cash

Turquoisehat Sun 05-Jan-14 08:49:25

Re the passport, dd was born mid June ( so height of passport season). Before she was born I was told we could do the 7 day service, but not 48 hour for a first passport. I calked for an appointment the day she was born, but the earliest was 16 days away. Cue me making multiple phone calls to get a cancellation with 5 days. Each call takes about 5 minutes, I probably called for 4 hours straight.
I think I was very unlucky, dd was born on the Wednesday, we couldn't register her until the Monday, submitted the passport on the Thursday, was denied because my counter signatory didn't return to her head of accounting job after mat leave ( despite paying her annual fees), cue calling the passport office again, trying to find another counter signatory ( not from the uk, and dh's family / friends were mostly away ) so mil drove a six hour round trip to get my nurse friend to sign. It was chaos and incredibly stressful. Finally submitted passport, due to pick up on the Friday. Dh was overseas and showed up on the day before - to meet his new dd and to deal with me! I was a disaster. we went as a family to collect the passport (1 hour train journey each way) only to find it wasn't there. We're told they would reissue and we could pick it up on the Tuesday - we were flying long haul on the Wed.
Finally received the passport on the Tuesday, it had been misfiled.

I wanted to leave the UK and go home. If it was for a wedding, I would not have bothered going through that! I missed multiple chances to bond with dd2 and dd1 was bored and missing dh and I was on the phone. And yes, I paid the NHS before anyone asks.

Sorry, to hijack, but those of you saying it is easy to get a passport had a much better experience than me.

BoffinMum Sun 05-Jan-14 09:43:33

I think the way children and families are treated in related to border controls and passports is so unreasonable and stressful, I am currently working behind the scenes in my day job to try to bring about improvements.

It would be perfectly possible to have a fast track system for newborns, if the parents already held passports. It is just in this anti-child, anti-common-sense country of ours, the largely male powers that be can't be arsed. (They can be arsed for diplomats, incidentally, as I understand it).

It would also be perfectly possible to have fast track security queues in airports for families to move through swiftly, given that they are unable to use the new biometric/chipped passport systems (due to necessary checks on child trafficking and abduction). Again, the largely male powers that be can't be arsed, as well as the owners of airports.

We need a few reasonable adjustments, I think. Citizens should not be prevented from travelling to and from their country of origin simply because of administrative faffing about and not being arsed.

TheDoctrineOf2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 11:45:02

Maddy, I don't think the same day passport service is available for a first passport.

VoteYes Sun 05-Jan-14 13:41:02

I don't think it would be a good idea to book anything now. You have no idea the circumstances of your labour etc. I also think it would be unlikely for you to obtain a passport for your child in the timescale unless you went for a 1 day service.

However providing you are coping well I don't see the problem with DH going to a close friends wedding for a few days. A lot of people have to wave their DHs away for work etc so I don't think 2-3 days for a wedding of a very good old friends wedding in unreasonable. As I said before though I don't think anything should be booked until after baby as you never know what could happen between now and then.

VoteYes Sun 05-Jan-14 13:42:26

TheDoctrineOf2014 A close friend of mine did it for her DS last year.

TheDoctrineOf2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:15:23

https://www.gov.uk/get-a-child-passport/your-childs-first-passport

https://www.gov.uk/get-a-passport-urgently
The Premium service means you’ll get your passport within 4 hours of your application being accepted. You must go to the Passport Customer Service Centre to collect it.

The Fast Track service means your passport is delivered to your home address within 1 week of your application being accepted.

Premium Service is not available for first child passport. Fast track service is available and costs £87.

Fast Track 1-week service

Your passport will be sent to your home within 1 week (not including bank and public holidays).

To get your passport within 1 week, you must supply all your completed forms and supporting documents to Her Majesty’s Passport Office at the agreed appointment.

You may also need to be in to sign for the delivery of your passport.

TheDoctrineOf2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:15:59

VoteYes, see links above.

magicberry Sun 05-Jan-14 14:37:10

I wouldn't go - let him go alone and get your mum in to help if she is ok with that. YANBU for not wanting to go.
"But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life" - this is a bit daft. He shouldn't miss the wedding if he doesn't want to. Presumably he's back at work by then anyway? Life goes on, which is the way it should be.

purplebaubles Sun 05-Jan-14 14:41:51

hahahaha.

Just that really!

Silly man.

Chunderella Sun 05-Jan-14 16:01:58

While I can understand your focus on the timing of the trip wrt due date OP, i think that might be a red herring. Based on what you've said about finances and the cost of the trip, you can't afford for him to go. Someone posted upthread that you should both get to decide what to do with your disposable income, which is true. But if you'd struggle to afford a family holiday and the £500ish this trip will cost could fund that instead, I'm not sure it actually counts as disposable income.

MerylStrop Sun 05-Jan-14 16:50:51

"he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own..."

Whether or not you all decide that it's a good idea for him or all of you to go to the wedding, this is a really unreasonable attitude and will not make any of you happy. That is all.

TheDoctrineOf2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 16:51:30

Yes, he will be back at work probably, so presumably OP will have baby 8-6 all week then no respite at the weekend as he will be at the wedding, then same again the next week. I'm not sure why him having returned to work is an argument.

DH and I always discuss if we are going to accept invitations together or individually and our kids are 6 and 4. Yes we can both cope but it's still a conversation to be had.

ocelot41 Sun 05-Jan-14 18:52:54

YANBU. He has no idea what life is going to be like or is just in denial. One or even two weeks' late is totally normal for a first baby and I didn't stop projectile crying at totally unpredictable moments for about the first month. Taking time to physically recover from birth is important - even if you have a good one you're pretty sore for weeks afterwards. In many societies you are waited on hand and foot for 40 days - for a good reason!

Also, the smallest things also feel like massive hurdles - getting to the shops and back feels like a massive as the world feels so scary and fast-paced. Feeding is not always easy and takes HOURS..and HOURS..and HOURS as you and baby get the hang of it. Seriously, why is he trying to stress you out about this?

All you should be worrying about is lying and cuddling with your new little ball of squidginess, sleeping whenever you get a chance, and being supported through whatever you're feeling by all of your nearest and dearest -including him! Tell him to go talk to someone who has had a baby for a boot up the arse chat about what it is really like.

HmmAnOxfordComma Sun 05-Jan-14 19:10:09

I am so not a fan of weddings. You only ever get to speak to the bride and groom for about 5 minutes if you're lucky.

OP: why not suggest to your Dh that you politely decline the invitation due to timing of baby's arrival, and suggest to the friends that the three of you go and visit them later in the year or early next year for a short break.

It would be much cheaper to travel and put yourselves up out of season, baby will be in a routine and you'll feel much better, and you get to see your friends for a more meaningful length of time (even if they're not that close friends and you only spend half a day or a day with them but you'll get a nice - and cheaper - family holiday).

Win, win in my eyes.

eepie Mon 06-Jan-14 14:31:46

Update if anyone interested: Thanks again everyone for all your perspectives and useful info. DP and I had a talk about it and I understand that in his first reaction he was probably being a bit flippant and underestimating the amount of thought and planning and 'wait-and-see' flexibility that is needed in making this decision, so it was a bit harsh for me to assume he was 'shirking his responsibilities as a new Dad', he was just being a bit naive maybe and underestimating what the first few weeks/months with a newborn and new mother could be like. He didn't even realise that you bleed after birth until I told him. He is learning though and he said we will just wait and see but that if I need him, he will be here, and we will go and visit these friends as a family and make it a family holiday rather than spend all that money on one day's event.

As a side note.. MerylStrop I didn't find your recent message to be very relevant...Being told that a part of what I was feeling, is "unreasonable and will not make any of you happy" in regard to what is a multi-faceted issue (as illustrated by the variety of responses and the variety of factors to take into account eg. birth experience, practicalities of baby passport, money) is a pretty redundant comment and quite offensive. It's a bit upsetting to be told that a small worry that I had during pregnancy means that my attitude is doomed to not make my future family happy...Blimey...Thanks. Please be kind and consider that: I am 24 years old, am newly pregnant, have never given birth...with or without support...I have no idea what it's going to be like during, or after....I am 14 weeks pregnant and this morning I cried at a WWF advert about lions becoming extinct.... I was just having a slight worry about whether it was a do-able idea to all go to the wedding, and also about my DP's initial attitude...which many people have reassured me about since (including him). I understand it's not the most important thing in the world, and is just a minor worry, hence why I'm posting it on Mumset rather that writing an article on it in the New York Times. I understand it's just minor pregnant person worries, not the end of the world.

The back to work thing - just to clear up - My DP is freelance and so sometimes works all the time, and crazy late night hours, and sometimes doesn't work at all. So no he's not just going back to work after 2 weeks - OR he might be back at work constantly, coming home at 2am, we don't know. Also we're not very well off and his work is not that stable so it's not really as simple as "Oh he'll be back at work by then anyway what's the big deal". Also I work from home and am not sure how soon after the birth I'll have to do bits and bobs of work too, as well as hopefully breastfeeding.

Anyway all is sorted now and thanks again for all the info and advice !

landrover Mon 06-Jan-14 14:36:33

Well done, Eepie! Sounds like it will all be fine and you can play it by ear. Glad to hear hubby is on board xxx

You sound very sensible Eepie. There are huge unknowns in all of this and the "suck it and see" method is a good one to use.

If you think crying at the WWF ad is bad I cried at an ad about furniture when I was pg. I also cried for no apparent reason at all. Good luck!

horsetowater Mon 06-Jan-14 14:50:22

I'm glad you sorted this out, as I suspected he was just being a bit naive.

I didn't know you were 'only' 24 - to that I would add, congratulations on having children early. Not only will you snap back into your original physical health, you have all the time in the world to continue to have many more children. You will be able to run after them in the parks and be so much more 'hip/cool' when they are teens. Your social life will not come to an end (although your friendships may change), you will learn as much from your children as you will teach them and their Dad will be able to take them to do action sports without having to get special old people's insurance.

Congratulations and good luck smile

eepie Mon 06-Jan-14 16:08:24

Fizzog - Thanks - yes I cried also the other day because my cat stepped on my foot too hard....made me miss my old cat who wasn't fat...and cue blubbing !! So funny (afterwards) isn't it....

horsetowater Thanks ! That's lovely to hear smile Your comment on the old people's insurance made me LOL though as my DP is 15 years older than me so actually he may need the special insurance...heehee. I regularly tease him about this. grin He's very fit and healthy though so I'm sure we'll be fine ! We joke that we meet in the middle at 30 as our 'real' age based on how we act/look.

eepie Mon 06-Jan-14 16:08:58

Thanks to landrover too ! xx

beginnings Wed 08-Jan-14 15:49:32

eepie I did a project for work when DD2 was between 5 and 9 weeks. I was able to do it as she's a good daytime sleeper. Wouldn't have had a prayer of doing the same with Dd1 as she was a rubbish daytime sleeper (although a dream at night). Both were breastfed. Don't put yourself under too much pressure to work too soon but don't be scared of it either is my point - it'll all depend on the baby.

Good luck and well done for getting the wedding thing sorted.

eepie Thu 09-Jan-14 15:09:10

Thanks beginnings ! I was starting to think I wonder whether I'll be able to do bits and bobs of answering emails and phone calls and how soon ... I suppose like you've said it depends how well a day-time sleeper my baby will be. Here's hoping motherhood makes it all the more easy for me to accept what will be will be and go with the flow... !

dangalf Thu 09-Jan-14 15:24:37

I think he may be being a little naive. I would suggest holding off on booking anything after the baby arrives. You may be ok with it at that juncture and he can go on his own. But I think unless money is no issue it would be silly to book anything now.

dangalf Thu 09-Jan-14 15:25:40

Ah sorry- just seen it is sorted. Good.

beginnings Thu 09-Jan-14 19:37:58

Well 20 months and two children into this motherhood malarkey, I'm STILL not good at the whole lack of control thing but I'm getting a bit better! We'll get there.

Regarding getting a passport for the baby, in my area it is really not simple.

Minimum 2 weeks to get an appointment to register the birth, even if you ring the day baby is born. More usually 4-6 weeks, as the register office is only open some days, and won't allow drop ins.

And then, even if you get the passport form done and in the post same day as registering, you will need to remember that it will be the height of the summer season. You'll have trouble getting a same day appointment to do it in person in any sort of reasonable time.

DD's first passport cam back after 5 days. But that was the beginning of February, so no major backlogs at the office.

Add into the mix the money issues, that this isn't a close friend, and that there's no guarantee that baby will be born on due date and both mum and baby recover very quickly etc, and I think YANBU to not go.

If he wants to attend, maybe compromise at just a couple of days.

Ha! I knew I should have re-checked before posting grin that'll teach me to leave a reply for a while before clicking.

Nice to see the update.

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