To hope that babyhood isn't the only good part of parenting?(63 Posts)
Stayed at the family home of some friends the past few days, with 14 month old DS in tow. Our friend's mother enjoyed having DS there, liked asking me all about him and the things he does etc.
Anyway it seems this lady is having a hard time dealing with the fact that her son (our friend) lives overseas and is married to a woman from that country (ie he's settled there). But she kept going on at me about how it's only "this time" (ie when children are little) that is the best or enjoyable part of parenthood, and it gets much harder and not enjoyable. She said I might be lucky and have reason to be happy/enjoy motherhood when DS is grown up, but probably I would find that it was only most enjoyable when they were little babies.
AIBU to hope that she is wrong?! I'm looking forward to all parts of parenthood, including when DS is a grown up! I can't wait to see what kind of man he becomes and what he does with his life! I am steeling myself for the idea he could live far away from us as a grown up - it's what DH and have done, so he'll probably be the same. So I'm not deluding myself that he will definitely live in the same place as us and come round for a roast dinner ever Sunday etc.
But I just found this woman's viewpoint to be so utterly depressing. Please tell me she is wrong. I love DS to bits and every day it seems to get better and more fun.
I tried to shrug off her comments as being bitter about her own situation/unfulfilled expectations, but her words are resting heavily on my mind
Well, mine aren't grown up yet, but so far every year has been better than the previous.
I actually found the first couple of years pretty tough, and was glad to see the back of them, tbh.
My favourite ages so far have been 2 and 5. But eldest is only 5 so I don't know further.
My eldest is 4.5 - she is and always has been great. It's hard as I have younger children, too, but I find my time w her even better than when she was a baby. Not crazy about toddler tantrums, but I like being able to talk to my children and show them things. Ignore the old sour puss...
IMO babyhood is so far the worst part of parenting (although have not yet hit the teenage years!) 4-8 years are just fab.
She is wrong. I hate babyhood, in my idea it is the worst years of parenting. Ok it is the time when they solely depend on you and I think some mothers relish being needed in such a way but personally I hated nearly all of it.
It gets much better, one day you will be able to have an actual conversation with your DS, and not about Skylanders or his latest poo, but a normal conversation. I much prefer them once they grow up a bit. I love the teenage years, I'm now a Nanny and I love that my DS1 is an adult, with a personality and decent social skills rather than a crying, vomming, eating non sleeping machine that can only communicate through dirty protests.
Gets better and better I'd say. Tbh although it goes without saying I loved my children to bits from the word go, there is quite a bit about the day to day looking after a baby which isn't half as interesting as when they get older and you can have proper conversations and do activities together
Well mine are 19 and 15. I think it's more rewarding - I look at them sometimes and wonder how they have grown up so wonderful and so lovely.
Highlights - confiding about a girlfriend.
GCSE and IB results
Being amazed that dd has made it to the West End and back on her own
Goals and sports and school mags
Realising they are grown up and happy and finding themselves
And you can laugh about their shaved hairs in the bath, their attempts to hide the fact they have used your credit card, that they have come home a teensy bit drunk and tried so hard to hide it from you.
And they tell you how Christmas must never ever be changed because how you do it is Christmas.
Take no notice.
Mine are 5 and 7. I thought babyhood was the hardest bit tbh. I think they're more and more interesting every day. I've lived abroad, but I spoke to mt mum every week - and I call every day now.
Babyhood is definitely the hardest part for me, and I had it pretty easy!
dd is 7 and great fun to be with. Also she is fully toilet trained and sleeps all night, neither of which she did as a baby...
<please don't hate me>
It does get harder as they get older, but then it gets interesting and easier in other ways too. DS is 5 now and I'm starting to find it easier after struggling with thre preschool years (but loving the toddler stage which a lot of people find hard) - which nicely illustrates the other point I wanted to make which is that what is easy or enjoyable for one person isn't necessarily for another and it's definitely true for parenting.
I didn't rate baby/toddler years either.... My eldest is now 19 and I've enjoyed the teen years with all mine (mostly)
I much prefer my children as teenagers. I obviously loved them when they were younger but it was all soooo hard.
People enjoy different parts, I dont think theres anything wrong with that.
I found the baby bit boring with DS2 but when he turned 12 months it all switched on and at 2 he is absolutely brilliant fun.
I found the same stage fun with my first but hellish at 3 years old and it didnt start to calm until 5 and at 7 Im beginning to have a real laugh with him again and I know it will be even better at 8 and probably go up poo creek again at 13.
I personally find the 2 year old stage the best. When both my children are at school its the 2 year old stage that I will miss and be 'broody' for. That doesnt mean I dont enjoy my older children though.
So I guess I understand, and to an extent agree with, this woman.
I definitely am looking forward the 4-8 sort of age, based on what's know of friends' children! And even teenagerdom!
Her comments perhaps made me even more anxious because DMIL has Major Ishoos with the fact that all three of her children live overseas (in nearly all our cases, virtually on the opposite side of the planet), and that DS is so far away from her.
I don't understand why my friends' mum (or DMIL) are so negative about being a parent of adult children and seem to idolise the time when they were little. In both cases their children have grown up to be amazing, confident, talented people that they should be so proud of. I'm wondering if I'm being naive to think they are being bitter!? Will I suddenly start feeling forlorn when DS is off living his life?!
I have been lucky, in some ways, my DD's 28, 18 and 16 are good company and we go to concerts, have shopping days etc together.
They are very close to me.
With my eldest the 13-17 were the worrying years, but that exasperated by her dyslexia and finding her feet.
My middle was a nightmare between 13-15, but I am so proud of how she has turned things around.
TBF, I can understand her feelings of loss, it hit me hard when my eldest left home. My middle DD works and stays with her BF and I miss her after three days.
I have heard a lot of Mums of sons that have moved away say similar and I can understand, especially if you lose your DP.
She shouldn't of shared, in a way other than "they grow so fast, cherish every stage, as much as you may think you hate it, you will miss it, one day".
It gets better and better.
You will have to dig in deep and stick to your guns through the tantrums phase. Be strong, respect your kids but don't let them run riot.
Our kids are 11 and 9yrs old and so much fun. They are well-behaved (most of the time), kind and thoughtful.
She is BVU. My boys are 7, 5, nearly 3 and 6 months. I find the baby and toddler years both wonderful and hard at the same time. I love seeing my older ones get certificates at school and do Christmas plays (DS1 was Alien 1 in Christmas with the Aliens the Christmas before last and I was so proud.)
I certainly didn't really revel in their babyhood. I much prefer them now that they are fun to be with(mostly). Some people love all that pushing and feeding babies cutsey helpful stuff I just found it inane.
Competitive misery, that's what this is. And oneupmanship.
People with toddlers love to tell you about the tantrums, sleep issues and toilet training.
People with primary school age kids love to tell you about friendship issues, nits, becoming pre-teens.
People with teenagers love to tell you about the angst, drinking, bad influences.
People with grown children love to tell you about their son they never see, the daughter who has married a wrongun, the grandchildren who are not being raised right.
The most arrogant thing a parent can say to someone is 'just wait til they're insert next stage,' the implications being that you have no idea and they do because they have been through it with ONE OR TWO INDIVIDUALS out of the whole population!
Everyone's experience is different, some people love the baby stage but many love each year better from the last, after all, the more time you spend with your child, the better you know them, the more there is to love!
Ignore (as you may be able to tell, I do this a lot) and be wary to never give advice when you are an old hand unless asked for it.
Sorry, got ranty and carried away, what was your question?
The baby bit is pretty thankless. 18-24 months was tough too. Now DS understands a bit more, can behave himself
for a while when we go out and can talk, its my favourite bit so far.
12yo is a really nice age, ime. So far my favourite. And 6yo is the absolute low point. I didn't find just around 2yo at all bad, either.
3-4yo, though (shudder).
Are they negative, or are they struggling changing a major role?
I am still interested in educational courses and doing new things. I have had negative comments about that, but I think we should grow, change and develop until we die. So change isn't an issue for me.
I know a lot if people who don't like change, though and your children becoming adults brings lots of changes, especially if you have sacrificed your social and working life.
I never did, I don't get a lot of the attitude across MN about stopping going out, or not tak
I agree with those who are saying it just gets better. Mine are almost 11 and almost 13 now and yes, there are hard times - DD1 is definitely starting the teenage years. But she still tells me she feels she can talk to me about anything and then does, and she still wants to be cuddled. DD2 is blossoming after a really angry phase at 9-10 - she is confident, funny, growing every day. Seeing what DH and I have built from those two little screaming scraps all those years ago is wonderful.
Sorry, that oneupmanship comment was not appropriate for your situation, where the woman is obviously feeling a bit lost and is possibly remembering through rosé tinted specs.
I may have been swayed by e amount of people over the years who have been negative in an 'I know what you've got coming and you don't smug know it all kind of way.
I spend an awful lot of time telling people with newborns that it does get better and more enjoyable and easier in lots of ways, why would you want to be told 'you think this is bad? Wait til they're crawling/teething/etc'? Not exactly comforting, is it?
"Taking turns to still have hobbies".
Babyhood isn't the only good bit at all. It's all good. As they grow, you grow with them.
Mine are 19&17 now. If I could freeze time, it would probably be round about now. They are great fun, they are intelligent and caring.
CeliaLytton, how wise you are.
I wasn't that fussed on the baby stage to be honest.
My oldest is 10 and I honestly think each stage just gets better and better as they get older. They are still loving and sweet but also interesting and hilariously funny.
I haven't experienced the teenage stage though yet!
Mine are 16 and 12 . I wasn't madly keen on the early baby stages - never really understood them at this age - but truly feel that every stage since then has been their best stage.
Totally agree with vest - it just gets better and better. Not to say it is skip-through-the-meadows - hand -in-hand better every day - but they become more interesting, you have fantastic (and sometimes infuriating!) conversations, they make you laugh, they surprise you, impress you , infuriate you - and become 'proper people'.
Look forward to it - just like now, they will constantly surprise and amaze you -make you laugh and make you feel proud. Lots to look forward to!
I don't know.
Mine are 3 and 2. 16 month age gap. I miss the baby stage at the moment. The pride in pushing two adorable babies in a double pram, the compliments etc. A 16 month old and a newborn was an absolute doddle compared to a contrary three year old and a terrible two year old. The three year old is in nursery and having to drag us all out of the house for 8.30 is a grind. They will sleep til 8/8.30 at least if not woken.
I miss the days of pleasing ourselves, I find it strange and sad to attend toddlers with just one.
They are growing up too quick and that makes me sad. But I'm looking forward to many more firsts.
She sounds just like my mother. The reason I didn't have children in my 20s was because I was given the impression parenthood was such a thankless, tedious chore.
Thankfully my friends who made the leap have shown me that's not true.
Don't believe her. Surely a lot of it is to do with a person's own attitude.
Poor woman, how sad that she only enjoyed the baby stage. DS is nine and every stage so far has been my favourite! At the moment, I'm really enjoying seeing him becoming more independent and turning into such a lovely, considerate, thoughtful, funny, intelligent little chap.
If all their children live that far away, it's probably quite devastating. Maybe it even feels like rejection and I imagine they imagined growing old close to their children. I don't know how often you visit but if you imagine your DS growing up and you only seeing him a few times a year when he is the thing you love most in the world, even though he isn't a baby any more, I'd think that very hard emotionally, the fact that he's someone to be proud of probably make it harder. I suspect her comments are more about that than the baby stage being wonderful.
How sad that your friend has such negativa views of her family. Our oldest son is 16 today - I remember the "terrible twos" as the hardest - we now all laugh about what a stroppy toddler he was but life is now pretty good.! So try and enjoy the younger years but look forward to the future - there is a lot of fun to be had as they get older!
Mine are 10 months and 3 years, and quite honestly I think that every month is flipping amazing. We are having such a good time. Oh we have our downtimes, but sometimes I look at them both and I think I might just burst with love for them. So i channel that into a frenzied attack of kisses. It just keeps getting better and better.
0-18mo was ok for me, but 18-24 has been exhausting.I'm sure it is all swings and roundabouts. Never a dull moment and all that.
Both my dsis and I live abroad, I'm in EU she's in Australia - speaks volumes about our relationship with our parents. Hopefully ds will live in our converted garage. Forever <-- evil
I feel a bit sorry for the lady tbh. Doesn't mean I agree with what she said though.
Different kids, different parents will remember different ages with fondness depending on their preference or circumstances at the time.
Growing your bond and relationship with your child is the important thing and enjoying what they are like at all ages.
I am lucky with both a teen and a pre schooler so I get actual proper conversation / have a laugh with DD / burst with pride at what an amazing young woman she is becoming. 4yr old DS gives me cuddles and kisses and I savour every minute he is growing up. DD can be incredibly thoughtful and frustrating in equal measure. DS can be incredibly loving and a bit frustrating.
If they stay at home near by that'd be great, if they move away because they want life fulfilment then so be it, that's love isn't it, nurturing something and allowing them freedom to follow their own path.
Don't worry about what anyone else thinks OP, take each day and enjoy watching your child grow. No one can take away precious memories.
my daughter is delightful and is completely grown up at 31, with a husband and baby of her own.
its wonderful to be a mummy, at all the stages, and its amazing to be a grandma, too.
I have 2 DSs aged 2 and 4.5. At each stage I think the good bits can't be bettered, but then at the next stage they are. There are always difficult bits of course, eg when DS1 was 3-4 we had some terrible behaviour (all his friends - girls and boys - were pretty awful at that stage too but apparently boys have a testosterone spurt at that age which can make them a bit of a nightmare). But he was so bright and funny and interesting the rest of the time that it made it all worth it (he's a lot better now he's at school).
I've also got two DSSs at university who I've known since they were 7 and 9, and I've always really liked having them around. Even the teenage years were generally ok - and the look of gratitude on a 17 year old's face when they emerge from their pit at lunchtime and you hand them a cup of tea and a fried egg sandwich makes up for a lot of teenage grumpiness. (Your house will permanently smell of Lynx at that stage though).
1ME the baby years were the best.
I am not going to say anymore except that I am now a grandmother.
I found the part where mine was old enough to move out rather enjoyable. Unfortunately she came back a few months later and appears to have developed the skills of a limpet.
See, I liked 0-3 months, 3-18 hard, 18-36 wonderful, 3-4 years hell (suspect would be far easier if there had been a sibling to play with, although of course this doesn't work so well with the first), 5 years is improving, still difficult, but I'm finding it easier to enjoy spending time with DS and I can only see this getting better as he gets older and his interests are less child centred and he's more able to articulate and also relate back to others rather than being so completely self centred as all small children are.
I think it depends on your personality. Some people as said above love the whole dependency thing with babies and some people get really hung up on their children being their whole identity and struggle with them being independent adults. Some prefer them being cute etc. I think it's pretty unusual to only have liked one particular part, though. Most people I have spoken to who found things hard at some point came through that stage and found the good again even if they struggled to see it at the time.
difficult teens and a 3 and 4 yo. I have enjoyed having little ones again and want them to stay little but they are all different!
DDs are 12&15
Babies are hard work (DD1 was an exhausting 2-3year old because she messed with or climbed everything. You couldn't finish an adult conversation without having to chase after her. Also I was PG with DD2)
Apart from that parenthood is fine and parenthood now DD2 is happy to spend the odd hour or two at home on her own is bliss. We live in the middle of nowhere and no longer having to stress about complex crossing over school runs and drama rehearsals etc. makes life so much easier.
NearTheWindmill you sound like a great Mum to have
I have to say that I found the baby years the worst.
Whilst I enjoyed them at the time (and thought I would really miss them when they had gone) but since then, I haven't missed them at all. The thought of going back to those years makes me feel nothing but horror, just because they were the hardest.
I have two DDs now, aged 10 and 7, and I have to say, I've enjoyed all the years. In many ways it becomes more enjoyable as they become more independent, but it's all good.
Also, this may not have been what she meant personally, but for me at least I find being the parent of a single baby to be a totally different experience than being the parent of an older child or children. Once they start having opinions and really developing their personalities everything goes out of the window and you're screwed if you had a plan for the way you wanted things to go or even the kind of parent you want to be. With babies, pretty much, they want feeding, sleep and to be with you and they don't care what schedule you do it on or whether you use a sling, buggy or rolls Royce, breast or bottle etc, some are more picky than others but, generally, you have that control.
Once they get to about 3 or for some people the clash comes at about the toddler stage, but it happens to everyone (except certain lucky, rare, irritatingly smug parents, you will come across them if you haven't already) they start reacting to things in a totally different way to how you want or expect most of the time rather than just a little bit of the time, and you quickly have to adapt, which can be very hard especially if you had a very predefined idea of how things would play out. Don't be fooled by thinking it's easier if you accept from very early on that your child will have their own personality, even if you are excited and eager to see their personality coming out, it's still quite a shock when it does, in my experience the hardest part being their particular personality traits they get from YOU!
In addition to this they have more and more outside influences as they get older which are harder for you to control. And no matter how you feel about your baby now, the need for space from them does increase mainly because babies sleep a lot, and you can do a lot of fairly "normal" things with them like watch adults TV, visit non child friendly places (with them in a buggy or distracted) that you can't do with a toddler or primary aged child. And then with the teenage graduation towards more adult interests and their own wanting space you also get the attitude and (negative for some!) the increased need for their own space.
I think it definitely gets harder. But that's not to say it's all doom and gloom, I enjoy the challenge even though it has reduced me to tears on occasion - this evening being one (attempting to wash an utterly terrified 5yo's hair) - sounds totally wanky but I think it makes me a better person in general. And I'm definitely enjoying other parts of him growing up - I tend to think if you want something that's cute and will love you unconditionally and you can do whatever you want with and won't express any troublesome opinions then you want a dog, not a child!
It gets better, but I can see why, as a grandparent, she's upset about missing so much of babyhood. You can't blow raspberries on a 10 year old's tummy.
I have had an older woman say a similar thing to me, and I wondered whether maybe it was just that she was slightly mourning the fact that she is herself now older - i.e. it is not just that her baby has grown.
Personally I have found babyhood pretty demanding, especially the babyhood of my second and third children - but that has been mainly due to balancing the needs to the baby with that of the older child(ren). I loved it when my second child was 3-4 years, mainly because my eldest was at school and I wasn't yet pregnant with my third and I loved being able to focus fully on my middle child.
I am now starting to really enjoy my youngest (2 years) as she is starting to chat away to me and her older siblings are both at school so again I get the chance to focus just on her. But I also enjoy spending time with my elder children as well.
Mine are Dd15 and Ds17. They're fabulous folk and we have a great time together :-) We all get lots of sleep, enjoy spending time together and they generally pick up after themselves.
The baby years were grim in comparison, the kids were cute but I was over-anxious and obsessive about their health, safety and behaviour. I much prefer the teenage years.
My personal experience is that it the baby/ toddler years are the most physically demanding purely because they are so reliant on you.
I enjoyed the primary school age the best; you get a bit of space from each other; they gain some independence but they still want approval.
We are entering the teenage years & I am finding that mentally hard. The up & down emotions/ their need for privacy & worrying that the secrecy/uncommunicative ness is masking a going-off-the rails. Picking which battles are worth fighting etc. I find it taxing striking a balance all the time & frustrating that dd no longer tries her best blah blah.
I am hoping that those who say things improve again at about 16 are right! And of course, through time, my memories of this stage will fade so the recall won't be accurate!
OP my dd is 11. Parenthood is difficult whatever their age but it has been a wonderful and like previous posters have said, every year has been better than the last.
So she isn't cute and small anymore and she doesn't believe in Santa and the tooth fairy now, that's sad. But she is funny and her personality has well and truly shown itself and that's a joy.
I'm sure she is projecting her own feelings into you. Try not to let it worry you
I think too, as someone else said it mustt be hard if all of your children decide to live abroad and to make a conscious decision to break a long way a way from theor roots. I couldn't and wopuldn't stop them but it would make me very sad, especially if I were getting older and finding long haul flights more difficult or if I didn't have the money to fly aroound the globe. I can quite see how that would make one sad and to view the past through rose tinted glasses and to sound, unwittingly a bit bitter. I think in those circumstances one would begin to inhabit a parallel universe focusing on thw witnessed past rather than the tangential present and near past.
Our DS leaves today for 5 months for another continent and what he does in the next five months I shall know of second hand at best and I wonder how that will change and colour my feelings. At the moment I am carrying on with a jolly smile and am about to make him a big fry-up but inside I feel as though a little bit of being his mum is about to die so perhaps you might be being a bit hard on this lady.
If this is how I feel about the departure of one for a few months, oi can imagine a little of her inner sadness.
Apols for typos - on phone.
Enjoyed most of parenting DD1 and now she is 18 and due to get married this year, I am enjoying spending time with the lovely young woman she has become!
I'm sure I will feel the same about younger DD and DS!
I can understand the feelings this lady is having, but the baby years are lovely in the same way that all the other bits are lovely.
My youngest has just started secondary, and I've really enjoyed the last few years of motherhood and I feel like I have lots to look forward to as well throughout the teenage years.
I love the conversations I have with my dc now. They have their own thoughts and ideas and they can help plan the things we do together like holidays and days out or even just what we do on lazy weekends. It's so nice seeing them build their own friendships and learning the things they do at school. It's great to be able to share things with them that would have been too much effort when they were small, like theatre that isn't aimed at children and sightseeing when on holiday.
I know it will be hard when they are fully independent adults who may not live nearby, but at the same time I'm looking forward to knowing that they have turned out ok in the end - if they do of course!
My DD is 9 - each age brings it's own challenges but overall I think it gets better and better and we are closer now than we've ever been.
Who knows what the future holds but I know plenty of teenagers and young adults with great relationships with their parents so hopefully DD and I will be the same.
29 year old, who once a week comes and cooks, just because.
19 year old at uni, getting firsts, doing brilliantly despite disability and bullying at uni.
17 year old twins. Both doing extremely well and happy.
I enjoy them all, it's fun doing stuff with them, talking to them. It's fabulous when people say what beautiful manners my son has, they're always shocked which has a lot to do with his vividly dyed hair and piercings.
I am proud every time my dd posts on here.
I enjoy listening to dd2 playing guitar and singing.
Ds1's band, I love going to their gigs.
It's different things, but still very enjoyable.
I don't have DC yet but I have always thought the mark of a successful parent is raising their child to be an independent adult who can make their own decisions. It sounds like you will probably enjoy parenting your son when he is an adult because you are prepared for the possibility that he might move away and do his own thing and you don't have set expectations. Personally, I think my relationship with my mother has changed in a positive way now I am an adult and not living at home because we can relate to each other more as friends and equals rather than her having to set the rules and we can enjoy spending time together out of choice rather than necessity.
hmm Topaz. I think if the parent doesn't have high expecatations, the child can't have them. I find concept of not having expectations for one's children very alarming indeed.
I think you might have misunderstood me, I meant that the OP will probably have a good relationship with her DS when he is an adult because she doesn't have set expectations like he will always come around for Sunday dinner, she accepts he might move out of the area. Her friend's mother sounds like she might be having trouble with her son moving away because she expected him to stay closer.
I wasn't saying don't expect your children to achieve anything! Of course it's nice to expect that your DC will aim high and do well in whatever path they choose in life, I just find that if people have set expectations of what career their child will follow or what area they will live in for example, it can cause tension when the child is an adult and wants something different.
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