to be disappointed my friend hasn't made me bridesmaid?

(108 Posts)
splasheeny Fri 03-Jan-14 20:01:24

I fear I am.

My very good friend was my only bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago. We have remained good friends, though I do now see her far less, as she has moved away. We still talk on the phone a few times a week.

She got engaged recently, and I have tried to call her to congratulate etc but haven't really had a chance to talk much.

She posted a blog on facebook about her wedding, and in it she said that she had picked her bridesmaids. I have to say that it did sadden me, but I think most of all it was that I found out in this way. I just thought that maybe she could have called me and said that she was sorry but she was unable to have me as bridesmaid.. I don't know.

Just so I'm not accused of drip feeding: It will be a big wedding (big budget), and she is having four bridesmaids. No falling outs at all.

MmeLindor Fri 03-Jan-14 20:03:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be disappointed, but you are being a bit unreasonable to have expected her to choose you.

It would have been nice if she had contacted you though.

DeWe Fri 03-Jan-14 20:34:00

It's not unreasonable to be disappointed, but I would find it slightly strange for someone to contact someone else to say they wouldn't be bridesmaid.

I mean, can you imagine the conversation:
"Hi!"
"Hi, congratulations! Really looking forward to the wedding."
"Actually, that's what I'm calling about. Just letting you know you aren't going to be bridesmaid."

How do you react to that? Either you say "no big deal, wasn't expecting to be" type of reply, in which case bride feels awkward for bringing up the subject and implying that you thought you would be.
Or you get upset and bride feels guilty about not asking you.

stephenisjustcoming Fri 03-Jan-14 20:34:21

Some people feel bridesmaids should be unmarried friends or younger children - maybe she's thinking of asking you to do a reading, or something instead?

VivaLeBeaver Fri 03-Jan-14 20:38:32

Try not to take it to heart.

I never asked my best friend to be a bridesmaid as I just wanted kids. Sadly she never told me how upset she was about it and the night before my wedding just texted me to tell me she'd decided not to come. We haven't spoken since, don't let it cause a falling out.

pictish Fri 03-Jan-14 20:43:01

Meh...she's got a wedding blog. You've had a lucky escape.

HesterShaw Fri 03-Jan-14 20:43:07

It's very difficult not to be disappointed, but you have to try not to take it to heart. My own sister didn't choose me, even though she had been my (only) bridesmaid, and even though she knew I'd never been one and really would have loved to be asked. To this day I don't know why she didn't - I just had to accept it and get over myself.

Tis bloody annoying though smile

SashaOfSiberia Fri 03-Jan-14 20:44:38

You can feel disappointed but maybe wait until you speak to her. Maybe she thought logistics might be difficult because of the distance, perhaps she was trying to make it less of a hassle for you.

Tbh I wouldn't have called you as would be a bit awkward.

If I were you I'd count myself lucky, now you can go and enjoy the wedding. I always though bridesmaid was a bloody chore and much better to be a standard guest.

Yama Fri 03-Jan-14 20:44:47

I always breathe a sigh of relief when a friend gets married and doesn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I've done it once and that is more than enough.

Weddings are much better when you are a guest without duties.

Do the four bridesmaids live near her? Is it a perceived logistics thing?

Graceparkhill Fri 03-Jan-14 20:46:39

Maybe you are so gorgeous she doesn't want you upstaging her ?

HesterShaw Fri 03-Jan-14 20:51:14

"Without duties"?

I don't recall my adult bridesmaid doing a thing apart from following me up the aisle, holding the flowers, and then getting wasted!

fluffyraggies Fri 03-Jan-14 20:55:37

Surely 'being a bride's maid' is not a reciprical thing though. Like a play date!

Everyone's wedding and family is different. It's their own personal day, not a day to return favors.

It's NBU to hope to be asked, but it is BU to expect it.

A woman who has 6 sisters for eg. and wants them as bride's maids can't reciprocate to all the brides she may have been bridesmaid to in her life, and have them as well.

I've been bride's maid a few times, but when i got married 2 years ago i wanted my 3 DDs and no one else. Tiny wedding.

Madambossyboots Fri 03-Jan-14 21:06:05

I would be disappointed too, but there is nothing you can do so don't let it spoil your friendship. You could always say, I would have loved to be your bridesmaid and watch her squirm as a punishment!!
She is only one half of this wedding, it's not all up to her.
It's over rated anyway, you are often told to buy your own dress shoes, etc in shitty colours you don't like and tell her she looks beautiful all day.

redexpat Fri 03-Jan-14 21:19:33

Well traditionally the bridesmaids were unwed (I read somewhere). Hence the name - brides-maid. And as others have said, it's not reciprocal.

splasheeny Fri 03-Jan-14 21:20:57

Obviously I would have loved to have been asked and don't know why I haven't been, which hurts.

She has no sisters, and it will be a large wedding with several bridesmaids. As she has moved to a new area I dont imagine any of the bridesmaids will live near her.

Thank you for all the comments, it has helped me put this in perspective. I don't want this to affect our friendship but I think I'll just let her contact me for the time being as I don't want to let on that I am hurt.

And thank you Grace, I wish that was the case! smile

PrimalLass Fri 03-Jan-14 21:34:22

I don't recall my adult bridesmaid doing a thing apart from following me up the aisle, holding the flowers, and then getting wasted!

Was I your bridesmaid?

HesterShaw Fri 03-Jan-14 21:52:06

Did you wear lilac and make an I'll advised speech? grin

PrimalLass Fri 03-Jan-14 22:07:16

Nope. I did stand at the bar and get hammered though.

Timeandagain Fri 03-Jan-14 22:23:30

I was a bridesmaid once, I was 11, it was a great day.

A maid you should be, grown ups make things complicated.

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 22:44:20

YANBU to feel a little bit sad.

YwouldBU to expect a special "you are not a bridesmaid" call.

YwouldBU to say anything about it.

MooMa1d Fri 03-Jan-14 23:17:22

I'm in a near identical position as you OP and I'll admit I feel like my nose has been pushed out of joint but I'll never say anything as I guess she has her reasons and the choice is hers. But I did feel disappointed and can understand why you do too.

ADishBestEatenCold Fri 03-Jan-14 23:28:42

You say that on her facebook wedding blog she said that she had picked her bridesmaids.
You also said that you didn't imagine any of the bridesmaids will live near her (as she has moved to a new area) which suggests you don't actually know where they live (or know who they are?).

Did she actually say, on her facebook wedding blog (or anywhere else), who each bridesmaid actually was?

(clutching at straws, here smile)

I decided No.Bridesmaids the instant I announced I was getting married and the first question (from SILs) "who are you picking as your BMs?"

I cant be chewed with any of that drama so said 'nobody'. Best decision ever grin

splasheeny Fri 03-Jan-14 23:35:02

Mooma, its good to hear you understand how I feel.

Adish I get your point but I think that if I was her bridesmaid I would have heard by now. Surely you don't blog about having chosen your bridesmaids when you haven't told said bridesmaids? I think its very unlikely she has chosen me, and it would be silly for me to think she has. Or maybe I am totally wrong.

Either way I bring up the topic with her.

splasheeny Fri 03-Jan-14 23:36:25

*meant to say that I won't bring it up

CooCooCachoo Fri 03-Jan-14 23:36:26

Sorry you're disappointed...I think you've probably had a lucky escape though. I've been a bridesmaid twice now for close friends and it was bloody awful, I'm hoping I never get asked again. One friendship has suffered drastically and I'm no longer in touch with the other one.

TheNightIsDark Fri 03-Jan-14 23:40:03

A wedding blog? I've heard it all now!

bluebeanie Fri 03-Jan-14 23:43:06

This happened to me. An old friend was one of my bridesmaids. She got married last year and didn't ask me. I was surprised and gutted. Never been a bridesmaid! I wish I'd been told I wouldn't be one, but can understand how awkward that would have been. I guess I hadn't admitted to myself how much we'd drifted apart. Hey ho, that's life.

What pictish said. A bride to be with a wedding blog - and on Facebook. Why?

if you were bridesmaid you'd have been posting on here with some bridezilla horror story before too long.

splasheeny Fri 03-Jan-14 23:45:26

Lol about the wedding blog comments. She is a lovely woman, but I can see her getting very excited about the wedding.

Her fiance is a total nutter but that's a whole other thread.

sparkleshine Fri 03-Jan-14 23:46:28

I can understand how you feel. I would be hurt too, maybe with you not being as close as u were has made her choices different.
When I was with my ex, we had been together for 9yrs when his sister got engaged and quite close. I thought about and hoped she would ask me but she didn't and I was disappointed. I was upset for a while but never let on. She always hinted about being a bridesmaid for us which was cheeky really and offended she presumed she would be one for us.
We are still close now even though her brother as I aren't together.

BohemianGirl Fri 03-Jan-14 23:51:16

If she is a traditionalist the clue is in 'maid' - unmarried women attend the bride. If she's going a bit more modern she will have a matron of honour - 'matron' being married with children.

ADishBestEatenCold Fri 03-Jan-14 23:54:55

So she didn't say who her bridesmaids actually are, splash?
Simply that she had chosen her bridesmaids and that she was having four?
And this was in a general facebook blog, to anyone and everyone, not reiterated to you in conversation?

grin

I'm going to stay hopeful, Splash!
Especially when I see that you "tried to call her to congratulate etc but haven't really had a chance to talk much"!!
I think there is still a very good chance that you could be one of her chosen bridesmaids, Splash, and she's waiting to have a proper chance to talk and ask you!!!

Ring her up, do the proper 'congratulations' that you haven't had a chance to do yet, and have a good old girly chat about her wedding, her plans, what sort of reception she's having, what sort of ceremony she's having, all that sort of stuff.
Maybe, during such a chat you'd get a lovely surprise and she'd ask you, and _ if not _ well, she's still your good friend, your still very much her good friend, and at least you'll have taken the lead in making sure there is no awkward feeling left between you (which is exactly the kind of thing very good friend's do, isn't it? wink).

Good luck!

pigletmania Fri 03-Jan-14 23:58:52

Yanbu at all, you have every right to feel hurt, as I guess you thought you were closer to her, but she thinks differently. Wait for her to come to you.

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 00:03:48

Adish maybe you are right, I just don't want to call her up now and for her to think I am hinting for her to ask me, or for anything to be awkward.

The reason we hadnt spoken till now is that her fiance's family are staying with her atm, so she always tells me she hasn't got time to talk. She promised to call me when they leave so I should hear from her soon.

This is probably the only chance I have of being bridesmaid, which is why it makes me a bit sad.

IslaValargeone Sat 04-Jan-14 00:12:45

God, I was mortified when my sil asked me to be a bridesmaid, couldn't understand it until i found out it was because she wanted to control what I wore hmm

ADishBestEatenCold Sat 04-Jan-14 00:21:44

Okay, I understand that feeling. So how about, while you're waiting for that return call, you send her a card.
A congratulations card or a 'blank' sort if you prefer, not cheesy, but saying something like you are so happy about her news and you can't wait for the chance to hear all about her plans, so let's get together soon, but meantime just wanted to say a big old congratulations.

However you'd normally put it, light, but real. Then that card can fill in the blank space until you do get the chance to talk with her properly.

It's horrible to be hurt, but 'hurt' just grows in those blank spaces. Don't let it.

She'll be lucky to have you as a bridesmaid if that's what she's chosen, and if she hasn't chosen that she's still lucky having you as a friend.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 04-Jan-14 00:25:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 00:27:29

Thank you Adish, I will do that. It's a way of showing her I'm thinking of her without being too intrusive. I feel pretty silly being hurt about this.

A wedding blog???

Jesus wept.

Electryone Sat 04-Jan-14 00:44:29

Yep, a wedding blog....I can see how the preparations and planning are going to go!

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 00:59:19

A

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 00:59:20

Adish

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 01:03:02

Adish, I looked back at her blog, inspired by your posts, and it does say that all her bridesmaids 'have been asked and agreed'. Oh well, what I expected.

ADishBestEatenCold Sat 04-Jan-14 01:19:50

Oh Splash, I am sorry! That is hurtful.

Still send your congratulations card, though. Still listen to all her news and have your girly gossip. Still be the friend you are.

And try and resist being like me, and enjoying that moment of discomfort as you smile and ask "And tell me, dear friend, who are your bridesmaids and what are they wearing? grin

Just think what fun you'll have, being able to pamper only yourself beforehand; being able to wear a killer outfit of your own choosing; being able to sit with your DH throughout; to talk to whomever you please whenever you please; and being able to put yourself first throughout the day! thanks

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 01:27:53

Thank you.

I don't know if its because I have a dd (at an age where none of my friends do) and she thinks I would be less available. Who knows.

I just hope it doesn't turn out to be one of these 'no children' weddings which would make it very difficult for us to attend. (while obviously that's her choice blah blah)

sykadelic15 Sat 04-Jan-14 01:31:10

I've been a Bridesmaid only once. It meant paying for my dress, shoes, hair, makeup. It meant organising her Hen's night (AND paying for the goodie bags). On the day of I had to rush out and get a throwaway bouquet because the florist had forgotten it. I had to paint the nails of the other bridesmaids (because no-one else could or wanted to) and pay for a hotel room. I also still had to buy a wedding gift.

I was one of the sisters of the bride. I did love my dress, but I spent a LOT of money on her wedding. I can't say if a friend asked me I'd say yes, unless I had plenty of money saved up next time!!

pigletmania Sat 04-Jan-14 09:08:06

Oh that is hurtful sad. It's not about being a bridesmaid per se, but you obviously thought you were closer than you were. She sees it differently. I would make the right noises, but a bit of distance mabey

ProphetOfDoom Sat 04-Jan-14 09:12:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moleyjay Sat 04-Jan-14 09:22:55

Totally understand how you feel. This happened to me twice!! I don't speak to either of these friends now - something I truly regret. Don't let those feelings grow, try to deal with them and move on by being the friend you've always been.
For me it was the feeling that I clearly wasn't as important to them as they were to me. Dear god the bitterness is still there 6 years on! Don't be like me!

lurkerspeaks Sat 04-Jan-14 09:28:28

I think you are mad to want to be a bridesmaid.

I announced loudly after bridesmaid stint no.2 that I didn't want to do it again. I've done a couple of readings since but no poncing about in a daft dress.

It isn't reciprocal and people can choose who they like..speak to her and see who she has chosen.

RedactedEdition Sat 04-Jan-14 09:32:33

splash - I think it is fine for you to own feelings of disappointment, providing you keep them to yourself and don't start sharing them with the bride.
Having been a MoB who helped prop up DD through the angst of trimming a list of 11 possible bm's (sisters, best friends, people who assume they are bf's, not to mention fiance's absolutely lovely sisters).....it is a bloody nightmare!! DD ended up with four bridesmaids - only one of whom was there because of 'obligation'. Notably, she was the only one who caused issues.

One of the facts of life is that while you may feel that someone is your best and closest friend, and they fulfil that role for you very well ....you may not be their closest, best, or oldest friend. It does not detract from their relationship with you in any way.
Unless one is 5, and still playing playground politics.

Give the bride a break. Be a really good friend! smile - and offer to help where you can, anyway.

How old are you? How old is she?

My bff married (10yrs ago at 27) and had a couple of bridesmaids eldest being 17. Didn't occur to me when I got married to check if she minded not being one. Wasn't like I wanted girls my age. That's freaking strange!

I had three girls eldest 10. Ask questions maybe but if they are all kids you are going to look a complete freak.

Why not get involved on organising hen/big photo for the wedding of all the girls. At probably your age it will look better tbh than stuck in a satin column.

Lavenderhoney Sat 04-Jan-14 09:33:40

Just call her and have a chat about her wedding and see if she mentions it.
I didn't want any bridesmaids and said so. However on the day I walked up the aisle with my df and heard a rustle, looked round to see a bridesmaid, courtesy of mil. shock

2rebecca Sat 04-Jan-14 09:34:11

I tend to think of bridesmaids as being young women usually unattached and without children. it sounds as though she was your bridesmaid years ago when your friendship was closer and she was young and single.
Now you aren't as close and you are married with kids. Is it really that surprising she is choosing other presumably young single girls as bridesmaids? She maybe has loads of young cousins or nieces desperate for the role.

mamapants Sat 04-Jan-14 09:35:33

I don't think it necessarily means she isn't as close to you as you thought. I always assumed you don't ask married women to be bridesmaids.
If I was to get married I wouldn't ask my best mate or sister even though I was their bridesmaids as they are married and have kids and that doesn't seem bridesmaidy to me. It wouldn't be a sign I cared about them any less.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 04-Jan-14 09:38:07

Op, I know how you feel - my best friend decided not to ask me to be her bridesmaid and the thing that still rankles some years later is that she never explained why (eg I only wanted unmarried friends to be traditional; I only wanted friends from university). But I don't know how you can have that conversation without sounding bitter / entitled / precious.

dimdommilpot Sat 04-Jan-14 09:42:18

I found out my "best friend" got engaged through facebook, i didn't even know she had a boyfriend. she has now picked a date so close to my due date that i have declined her invite to the night do, she hasn't even invited me to the day do. She is my daughters god mother! Its pissed me off a little bit but I'm not going to loose any sleep about it. Im yet to meet the fiancee. YANBU to be a bit upset but i wouldn't let it bother you.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sat 04-Jan-14 09:49:06

Maybe they wanted children as bridesmaids? Perhaps they are 4 little kids who are related to one or other of them.

R2G Sat 04-Jan-14 09:57:05

I did not ask my best friends from Uni to be bridesmaid. I had two from Uni, one from school. I just chose them as representative of the whole groups and who I thought would enjoy it.
My best friend from school is v obese and I knew that she would feel really uncomfortable with the whole thing. I later found out I made the right decision and she was pleased.
My best friend from uni was very upset but I did not know until 7 years later when I asked her to be godmother to my son and got upset. I explained that at the time her mum had been really quite ill and she was up and down to Cambridge to see her so I didn't think she would appreciate the added cost/ hassle of traveling for dress fittings and I just chose people within the group representative of everyone. I wished I explained to her at the time. In the end she was unable to attend the wedding due to her mum illness, but we were very close in organising the wedding.

Carry in with your weekly chats- I told my friend all about tensions with my mum, secret worries about getting married, bridesmaid stresses (!), hen do worries, asked for help with colour choices etc - more so than with bridesmaids. We became closer than ever, and it was she who picked me up when the marriage failed.

Stay friends- sometimes like me people just make random choices and it has nothing to do with feelings about your friendship. Just that you're busy with your child and so on so she's picked someone else.

R2G Sat 04-Jan-14 09:59:57

PS also at the time I probably seemed really blasé about her feelings, but I genuinely did not realize how she would interpret the choice or assume that anyone was bothered if they were my bridesmaid or not x

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Sat 04-Jan-14 10:38:11

I'm very lucky with all my siblings in law. I've known my ds's sis her entire life and not being asked to be bridesmaid has put a different perspective on our relationship so Yanbu.

I think some brides get a touch of the zillas and the expectant congregation walk on eggshells so as not to spoil the big day. For some brides, it's like they introduce a popularity class system. wink Imvho posting about whom has made the bridesmaid grade is a bit wanky. I hope that your friend returns to normal after the wedding and that in the meantime you can ignore the diva attitude (if its out of the ordinary).

We had a very small wedding and Dh arranged the date around his sis (lovely of him). She had a massive wedding with 9 adult bridesmaids. Dh was a groomsman, ds was a page boy. Dh was asked on the stag weekend, I wasn't asked on the hen weekend and the hen night was when I was on holiday. I did help, including the morning of the wedding when the everyone was getting ready. I helped her get ready with make up artist and hairdresser.

I suspect I wasn't asked because my body shape didn't fit in with the dress style and other women. blush I won't directly ask but have spoken a bit about the pre wedding celebrations. There were no fallings out and I think it defined how differently we viewed our relationship. I thought we were sisters, now she is my dh's sister. I'll never feel the same way about her. No big drama or tantrums from me, but I'm still sad about it.

My wedding was small and I didn't have bridesmaids. I rang all the people I would have asked to explain. I'm very lucky to have two fantastic sisters and three best friends and that is where I concentrate my energy.

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 19:21:05

Thank you all, like you have pointed out it seems that she has not chosen me for a reason which I don't know about. Not knowing why and finding out in this way is what is hurtful.

I want to continue to be friends but will let her contact me for the moment as I don't want to bring it up/let on that I'm hurt. We usually talk very often so it is quite unusual in itself that I haven't heard from her in all this time (i have tried to make contact).

She knows me well obviously and would have known that I would have loved to be bridesmaid (Im sure we talked about this when she was my bridesmaid). However nothing I can do and I'll just have to get over it.

pigletmania Sat 04-Jan-14 19:28:35

Aww splash just let her come to you. Mabey she worried abut your reaction. However she should if she is a good friend woman up and give you a call.

TheSmallClanger Sat 04-Jan-14 19:34:08

I'm in the "lucky escape" camp. I bet the four are all very young.

I've never been a bridesmaid, but after the deeply unpleasant experience that was managing DD when she was one, I am glad of that.

mrspremise Sat 04-Jan-14 19:37:04

YANBU to be disappointed. DB's then-girlfriend (now SIL) told me I could be one of her bridesmaids and then 'forgot'. Pissed me off, but she is just thoughtless like that, it seems. And even worse now she has a pfb

IwishIwasmoreorganised Sat 04-Jan-14 19:40:04

I reckon you've had a lucky escape too, but can see why you're feeling hurt by the way that she's 'announced' her decisions.

The fact that she has a wedding blog rings alarms for me. If you really do want to go to her wedding, I think it would be wise to think already about what you would do for childcare if she opts for a child free wedding (I think it's quite likely!).

Mia4 Sat 04-Jan-14 20:51:48

YANBU to feel upset OP, it's possible your friend and you aren't as close anymore or that she plans to have child-only bridesmaids. It would have been nice to catch up with her in person and hear she had bridesmaids chosen then that way you'd know who and most likely why not yourself rather then on her blog.

Bridesmaids aren't a recipricol thing, for sure. Things change over time and something must have done in your relationship or she's just settled on kids.

Very odd to have a wedding blog, unless you has a blog in general and now just updates wedding stuff to on it? A blog dedicated to sounds cringeworthy.

Ruebarb Sat 04-Jan-14 20:59:19

Actually I would have been more upset that your DD had not been asked particularly if it turned out there were other child bridemaids
As a married woman I would not expect to be asked to be bridesmaid - as others have stated a bridesmaid is traditionally a single woman. I was bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding but would never have considered asking her to be bridesmaid at mine because she was already married and she never expected to be asked

daisydee43 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:00:29

Yes I'm afraid so - my maid of honour didn't involve me in her wedding at all even-though we are still great friends - lets just say I gave her maid of honour a hard time (sorry I know it's bitchy but she was so squeaky annoying)

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 21:16:56

She posted on facebook that she is having 2 adult and 2 child bridesmaids. I know cost/size of wedding party isn't an object.

Dd will be four, so not sure if that it is too young to be a bridesmaid/flower girl, but obviously she hasn't been asked. She is very social and a big extrovert so would have loved it, but I certainly wasn't expecting her to be involved. I don't know if she will even be invited now.

foreverondiet Sat 04-Jan-14 21:17:35

OP - how old is your DD? I would be more offended that my DD wasn't asked (assuming she is at least 3 years old). I had three bridesmaids, oldest were 9 and 10.

Did ask DH's sister who was 14 but she said no as was too old but then agreed to be a bridesmaid to DH's other sister 3 years later. My sisters (younger than me, 20 and 18) also said they were too old.

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 21:18:11

Mia yes it is a dedicated blog.

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 21:19:15

Forever cross posts, she will be four.

Mymumsfurcoat Sat 04-Jan-14 21:30:27

This happened to me too, but it was my cousin (childhood best friend) who didn't ask me and I was very upset. The people she did choose did nothing for her, it was me who sat with her the night before the wedding drinking champagne that I had brought. Years later, she apologised and said she should have asked me. I said "yes, you should have, but it doesn't matter now" Probably it did matter, we aren't close at all now.

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 21:34:00

Mymum my cousin also didn't ask me to bridesmaid (I was 10 then so I would have thought prime bridesmaid age) different situation but also rubbish. Sorry to hear it has effected your friendship.

Mia4 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:34:37

splasheeny, oh dear. She may be over exuberant but it could also be an indication of the bride and grooms 'intensity' towards the wedding.

Did she give you the link? But didn't return your calls?

obligatorynamechange Sat 04-Jan-14 21:36:32

My best friend did the same thing to me. We were best friends at school but she chose two other schoolfriends to be her bridesmaids, neither of whom she was particularly close too as far as I knew.

I didn't say anything at the time, and the friendship limped on for a while longer, but then I slowly came to realise that she had always been up and down with me, like she wanted me to work hard for her friendship. I'd think we were good friends and then every so often she'd do something that would make me unsure, and the bridesmaid incident was just one of those. It totally made me re-evaluate our friendship.

We are still in touch now, albeit very occasionally, and I tend to view her more as an acquaintance these days.

NotAQueef Sat 04-Jan-14 21:38:20

Maybe she is one of these people who believe you shouldn't/can't be a bridesmaid once you are married?

splasheeny Sat 04-Jan-14 21:41:10

Mia she posted the link on facebook.

I've tried calling her but only spoken briefly as she just told me she had fiances relatives over and couldn't talk.

NotAQueef Sat 04-Jan-14 21:41:23

My dsis tld me (at her engagement party) that she wasn't having bridesmaids. She had 5 of her close friends in the end confused
I wonder if she thought I might have been expecting it ( wasn't) and didn't want me ruining the photos?

pigletmania Sat 04-Jan-14 21:45:00

Splash just leave the ball in her court. It sounds as though she is not as close to you as you think. Nowadays bridesmaids tend to be married as well

splasheeny Sun 05-Jan-14 15:44:12

I have sent her a congratulations card as Adish suggested and am leaving it at that for now. I will let her get in contact with me.

Like others pointed out she could have made my dd bridesmaid/flower girl if I was too old/married. The way she has gone about this and announced it has made me a bit sad.

RonaldVilliers Sun 05-Jan-14 17:21:36

YANBU to feel upset, I felt the same when out of a group of 4 close friends at university who had flatshared together, one of them chose the other two to be bridesmaids and not me meaning I was the only one of the group not to have a role in the wedding. I never said anything though but I think she realised I was hurt as she was a bit awkward around me for a while after the wedding but we are ok with each other now.

hackneybird Sat 11-Jan-14 16:42:18

Have you heard from your friend, OP?

splasheeny Wed 15-Jan-14 22:17:28

I spoke to her, and tried to be all excited for her plans, invited her over etc.

She has said that dd won't be invited. It is her birthday weekend so really don't want to leave her then.

I'm wondering whether to even go now.

ADishBestEatenCold Wed 15-Jan-14 23:43:48

I'm so sorry to hear she is treating you so badly, splasheeny. I don't think there is any room for doubt now. She isn't treating you as a very good friend (that she once was) should.

I'm sorry too, that I've led you up the garden path a bit, encouraging you to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I suppose that at least this way you know that you have treated her well and been totally fair. Shame she can't reciprocate.

I think you have done everything you can do and now, given that your DD's birthday weekend coincides, when the wedding invitation arrives (IF the wedding invitation arrives ... I'm beyond surprise now) I would simply send a semi-formal reply saying something like
"Thank You for the invitation to your wedding. Unfortunately the date coincides with DD's birthday celebration, so we are unable to leave her that weekend. We are sure you will have a wonderful day and wish you both every happiness in your marriage."

Rotten way to treat a friend and you sound like a good one!

splasheeny Wed 15-Jan-14 23:58:10

Adish thank you for your reply.

I'm really torn with what to do. I'm really tempted to do as you say but am worried that it would ruin our friendship (though as you say she has already shown that I'm not that good a friend to her).

I don't know if I should tell her how I feel, she has no idea I believe.

The wedding blog is really starting to annoy me (facebook sends me an alert when she posts on it!)

splasheeny Wed 15-Jan-14 23:59:01

Btw I did send a card as you suggested.

ADishBestEatenCold Thu 16-Jan-14 00:43:35

"she has already shown that I'm not that good a friend to her"

No, splash, she has shown that she hasn't been a good friend to you! smile (and it's the not knowing 'why' that adds to the hurtfulness of it all, isn't it).

As to whether you go to the wedding, I think you should do what would give you the best time. If you think you can ignore the circumstances and have a great day with your DH if you went (and maybe think you'd feel you were missing out a bit if you didn't go), then you should go and aim to have the best time ever. If on the other hand you would really be saddened not being with your DD on her birthday weekend and that this would spoil potential enjoyment of the wedding, then don't go, spend that day doing something special with your DH & DD.

If you decide not to go, you have got a very reasonable excuse, DD's birthday, babysitters, etc, and while it's okay for any Bride & Groom to decide they don't want friend's children at their wedding, they really cannot be surprised and object if that means the friends can't then attend.

Whatever you do, put yourself (and you DH & DD) first, in the decision making.

You can block the facebook alerts about the blog posts, without anyone knowing you've done that and without blocking the blog. Give yourself some peace from it. You'll still look, but it will be when you want to, not when an 'alert' commands it! smile

ADishBestEatenCold Thu 16-Jan-14 00:55:19

Oh, meant to add, it is of course completely okay to tell a friend how you feel, if that's what you want to do.
As you say, you believe that she has no idea how this has made you feel, so it follows that there is a very good chance that she will genuinely want to make amends __ even if, at this stage, it is just by saying 'I really didn't mean to make you feel like that, I'm sorry. I really want you there at my wedding, please.'

She certainly wouldn't be the first bride to get so caught up in her own wedding plans, that she totally forgot about her close friends! grin

ladymariner Thu 16-Jan-14 08:23:39

Adish excellent posts

Really feel for you Splash, it sounds very hurtful and I think you may have to accept she is not the friend you thought she was or who you deserve. I agree she is entitled to have exactly who she wants as bridesmaid but there are ways and means of going about it.....announcing it on a wedding blog is not one of them!

And for me, the fact it clashes with your daughters birthday would be the clincher, no way would I miss my child's birthday, especially to attend the wedding of a bridezilla who clearly hasn't given a single thought to me and my feelings.

Wedding blog......dear god!!! Run for the hills, don't look back!

Birgitz Thu 16-Jan-14 08:59:44

This has happened to me too. One of my best friends was bridesmaid for me when I got married 6 years ago and for years and years (we've been friends since we were 14),
she's always said that I would be her bridesmaid too. When she got married last year, I too saw on FB that she was going wedding dress shopping with her bridesmaids and realised at that point that I wasn't going to be asked! I was really hurt and still struggle to feel as warmly towards her as I used to. When we met up after her FB announcement, I asked who her bridesmaids were and after telling me, said that she didn't ask me as she thought I would be too busy with the children (her two bridesmaids both had children, one of which was also a flower girl!! Mine weren't invited).

Jinty64 Thu 16-Jan-14 09:09:02

I would decline the invitation. Choose a nice, modest, gift fitting for a friend whose wedding you are not going to and leave it at that. Friendships change as we get older. It is time to move on with your lovely family.

ChasedByBees Thu 16-Jan-14 09:34:25

Don't go. You can't leave your DD on her birthday weekend for someone who acts like she's keeping you at arms length.

Polyethyl Thu 16-Jan-14 09:44:54

I too am not going to be my best friend's bridesmaid. I just bit my lip and smiled cheerily.

Having said that - when she was my bridesmaid I made her work! There are photos of us wheelbarrowing crates of booze to the marquee on the morning of the wedding - and in the evening, after the caterers departed, they took over as barmaids - even washing glasses in a cold garden hosepipe.

I fear I am going to be a lone voice here.

She only has two adult brides maids and two child ones.
If she is traditional, she would not ask a married woman to be a bridesmaid. She cant have all her friends as bridesmaids, so had to disappoint all but two. The two child bridesmaids could be due to pressure from family. Are they the daughters of the other bridesmaids, or family?

I am not sure how you can be disappointed that
1. You are not bridesmaid on the basis on already being married and her only having two;
2. Your daughter being in the bridal party for the same reason as above;
3. Your daughter should be a guest at the wedding, when bride has placed restrictions based on what SHE wants for the day.

It is her wedding day. You got to do it your way on your own wedding day.

I also dont think it reasonable to not go to a wedding due to a childs birthday. Birthdays happens every year, and can easily be celebrated on another day, the child is young, so wont be so attached to a specific date. Weddings are (supposedly) a once in the life event, so let her get the day she wants, and be gracious about it.

MadIsTheNewNormal Thu 16-Jan-14 09:50:26

A wedding blog? On facebook? shock

Eeew. I think you are best off out of it. She's a bridezilla in the making.

YANBU to be a tad disappointed but it sounds as though you have grown apart and do not see/speak to one another that often any more.

3asAbird Thu 16-Jan-14 10:21:25

Ahh splash feel bad for you.

As a kid I always wanted to be brideaid but no one in either side family got married apart from older cousin who married abroad.

The old expression always a bridemaid never a bride but I been a bride had lovely wedding but choice bridesmaids was awquard,

freind a had known from juniors right upto seniors 7-18 we lived same smal town lots history went to uni and kept in touch life freindships seemed more genuine in days pre fb dident they?

Freind b met at uni so age 19 and got married at 24.

neither of my mates were with anyone at time.

I picked mate b and not sure why think we were just closer and pre meeting hubby broke up with longterm boyfreind and was in terrible mess and she had always been supportive maybe more supportive than freind a but in more reckless lets go out and get drunk way and encouraged me take a risk and get together with future hubby where as freind a much more uptight regimented.

Also when split from boyfreind lived geographically near freind a she wanted to move i wanted to oe but she chose to move in with her bloke at the time.

Before announced whos who wanted to go bridal dress shopping but she was too busy.

I was dreading telling her but she was ok explained we had tight budget and was obligated to have evil sister as one , dident know anyone with kids at time so no kiddy bridemaids.

But in all fairness freind a was really good about it we all got horribly drunk hen night which bridemaid arranged.my sister dissapeared on hen nite like selfish person she was they both got to know each other bit better and they get on.

Then night before wedding at mums in hometown freind a came over and we got pizza, dvd and champers and sister through strop and stayed in her bedroom.

whats worse is got lovely simple strappy coral pink dresses debenhams debut strappy but floaty knee length as sisters a stick and bridemaid from uni was tall and good 14-1 so wanted her to feel fab thinking sis look great in bin bag sis convinced mam she looked awful and took up her dress making it assemetrical hemline both freinds a and freinds be were shocked by sisters actions.

hubby picked 3grooms as had 2best mates and his brother.

my cousin had twin boys but they were toddlers at tie but came to wedding dont understand people who say no kids.

has the bride actually said you cant bring your child whilst having kiddy bridemaids?

fact shes been slow to ring.

not sure what it is about weddings and fab that turn people into such insensitive moos nothing more crass than birth or wedding announcment on fb is there. Also the blog sounds hideous idea and rubbing epopels face in it another reason hate fb look how fab i life i have and it does not include you like when people tag pics nites out.feels bit playground to me.

few years on freind a got married she made my dd1 bridemaid she was 3 and she refused to get with the wedding party for pics and was total pitta.as wedding was my home town bit single white femaile but she chose same venues as us im bias wasent patch on our wedding was nice as got wear what I liked, mam had dd1 only had 1 at time and we booked nice in fancy country hotel nearby.

I did make her godmum to dd1 she was First person I asked.
then had join christening for youngerfreind a was god mum dd2 and freind b godmum to little boy as knew she gove him good advice on the ladies and enjoying life.

Neither freind a or freind b have kids so know what its like being only 1.
freind a is trying but her new husband is a tosser who dpes not speak to me even though we live in same city maybe meet up once a month her husbad has put strain on freindship but shes been supportive last year when had troubles but she has active sociall life, her work separate freinds and lives enough of distance wouldent pop round and thinks he was oaffended i said no to having her rats when on holiday I cant stand rats.

shes had hell with her evill younger sister. opposite to mine in size she was huge and she had to change her colour scheme i end from red to sort of wine as couldent get size dress in 24. but i said on plus side fat bridemaid make you look good.She also had her sisters 2kids.

I dont know if she was bridemaid to her sister but her sister turned into total bridezilla and despite sw was still huge!saw the pics on fbsmile

does the bride have any siblings or neices/nephews as bar best mates they be obvious choice.

I also find people without kids much more selfish and less accomodating with their plans when dd2 was due hubbys mate invited him wedding miles away from home same with another set of freinds . neither of us went yet they still dropped their giftlist round our houses with we would like money funnily after that we dont bother with them.

My cousin oddly enough a male we were few months apart growing up we were more like siblings then we grew apart he moved london quite high flyer quite money driven. Hes now met complete loon i mean total space cadet. hes now totally changed has his highlighst doe toni and guy, dresses like a scruffy gay man, spends fortune on clothes and holidays. anyway made him godfather to little boy and he never makes effort to see him.Hes now engaged to her and this is person who does love montages of their love with music on you tube and posts things on fb.

thankfully she does as shes been counting the says down from maybe 800!

she has a disney bridal countdown.
shes turned into total bridezilla.
shes picked pink wedding ress puffy think jordan/gyspy wedding
the venue is disney land florida so hardly anyone going.

but gives me something to chuckle at and even me and mys sister bond over her weirdness.

geographically they oved not far away from us by havent been see them see them maybe 2-3times a year back in hometown and at family events.

What I have learnt over years is people can be insensitive tossers and try not let bother you. I had one mummy mate from school who was like my best mate was here when youngest were born he was so bloody special. I couldent make her godmother as she wasent christened but made sure vicar let her light candle playes huge part. what ahppeed we grew apart she didet return calls, forgot his 1st birthday for a few months i got evry upset accepting shes fair weather freind and shes just not that into me. shes quite competative and our daughters dont get on.

i still see her occasionally and when she moved to her dream house was happy for her.rather worryingly might be moving round corner from her but i cant hack being picked up , dropped and used.

Freind b lives in diffrent city not too far. I love her bloke, she does not want kids. im sure if she was married i play part in it.
although we dont see each other often when we meet up its like no time has passed and if had issie could ring her we live totally diffrent lifestyles but somehow freindships survived she thinks im nuts.

If i were you I would restrict fb no delte but hide so not on feed only there if you activly seek it to be.

prepare yourself for this freindship may have ended shes treated you badly.

plan the best birthday ever maybe go away somewhere nice and be sure to post pics on fb!

gotthemoononastick Thu 16-Jan-14 11:53:47

Quintessential says "the pressure from family" This is why someone close to me chose their two wolfhounds instead of humans.They were fabulous in the church and then taken home.

They wore beautiful large embroidered and pleated cream satin ruffs and leads decorated with ivy and Peonies.

Awaiting flaming from dog haters!

I rather have some gorgeous dogs as bridesmaids, to be honest. Like two Afghan Hounds!

benid Thu 16-Jan-14 13:26:07

It is her wedding day. You got to do it your way on your own wedding day.

This ^^.

splasheeny Thu 16-Jan-14 20:10:41

I don't disagree that its her day and therefor her choice, but its the way that she has gone about things that has annoyed me (or more precisely the blog!).

I have blocked alerts from her on facebook.

It isn't a no child wedding btw. Just an 'only special children' wedding.

When I was thinking about having my daughter christened I even asked her to be godmother. We didn't go ahead with the christening for various reasons, but this just feels like a bit of a slap in the face.

hallowisitmeyourelookingfor Thu 16-Jan-14 21:41:35

splash let it go. You're upset about not being asked to be a bridesmaid. Your DD is not invited. As the wedding falls on her birthday/weekend you can't leave her.
You've sent a nice card, if I were you, I'd send a nice wedding card and that's that. Seems like the friendship has run its course.
Though it's obviously come as a bolt out of the blue for you? Anyway, she sounds like she's going to get horrendously bridezilla with a wedding blog - so self indulgent!

splasheeny Thu 16-Jan-14 21:57:00

Hallow yes it did. I thought we were good friends. I want us to still be good friends, but I don't really see her wanting the same.

This wedding will be nowhere near where I live, and entail taking time off work, travelling, staying overnight etc. I don't really see how feasible that would be now.

hallowisitmeyourelookingfor Thu 16-Jan-14 22:37:25

It sort of seems like she's cutting you out, or in the process of trying to cut you out tbh, if she felt you were as close a friend as you think of her, she would be far more receptive to you.
I think you should decide how best to move on from the friendship. If she gets in touch down the line to rekindle things and you still want that, then great, but her actions speak volumes atm, and they're screaming that she wants to pull away. Sorry if that seems blunt or harsh, it's really not meant to, but as an outsider, I can see you being left hanging for a while.

anotherrandomusername Fri 17-Jan-14 00:18:57

Well, as it's your dd's birthday you have the perfect excuse to decline the invitation.

I think it's a bit iffy that she'd expect you to ditch your dd's birthday for her wedding anyway - are they on the same day?

Yeah, I'd leave it to her to make contact for a while, see how much the friendship means to her...

ComposHat Fri 17-Jan-14 07:20:31

Yep someone else I know does a weekly wedding blog. Every fucking week for eighteen months. I have become mildly obsessed with reading it. Banal and narrsasistic that it could be republished as a Diary of a Nobody for the dot.com generation meets bridezila.

To be honest when I get a wedding invite and I haven't been asked to do anything other than turn up, I breathe a sigh of relief. Doubly so if the bride is self absorbed enough to be blogging about it. It smacks of self importance and idds are you'd get sucked up into the absurd traonwreck of it all.

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