To get upset by people's gender preferences for girls

(227 Posts)
roweeena Thu 02-Jan-14 04:34:53

So everyone seems to want girls. A couple I know we're very happy to find out they were having a girl 'as that's what they really wanted'. SIL has been congratulated in having girl and when she found out everyone was so excited.

Whereas I have two DS, DS2 is 12 weeks and I'm possibly a bit hormonal and over sensitive but people have actually asked me if I'm disappointed, when I'm going to try again for a girl and have told me that girls stay closer to their mums whereas boys you have to deal with DIL.

Why are boys seen as second rate and why do people seem to be disappointed I have two DS. I love them so much and can't wait to see what type of men they grow into.

I'm just getting annoyed with other people responses

Rosencrantz Thu 02-Jan-14 04:46:41

Fatal flaw in your argument = everyone seems to want girls.

That's not true. For years, people only wanted boys. Heck, baby girls were/are abandoned at birth in China.

Those feelings haven't gone away.

Of course everyone congratulated your SIL on having a girl - but they'd have congratulated her on having a boy too. And so what one couple wanted a girl?

It doesn't mean your boys are lesser. For every couple that does want a girl, there is a couple that want a boy. Just do a search for all the threads on here - often about wanting to provide a male 'heir' for their husbands.

This post just sounds like you are insecure about have had 'only' boys, that YOU think they are lesser.

Annakin31 Thu 02-Jan-14 04:48:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Danann Thu 02-Jan-14 04:54:34

I think people mean are you disappointed that you have a 2nd boy rather than a boy and a girl not that girls are better. Does it matter what sex your baby is or what other people wanted their baby to be? you have a beautiful little 12 week old baby to fuss over and cuddle not that I miss having a little baby at all

Grizzlygrowler Thu 02-Jan-14 04:55:57

I desperately wanted a girl...so much so it was a major factor in me not finding out the sex as I didn't want to be disappointed.

My ds is now 7 months and as soon as he was born I couldn't remember wanting a girl, I was in love! I'm ok with the dil thing though. I'm setting him up so he's very needy and clingy. I whisper to him almost hourly that we're best friends wink

MummyBeerest Thu 02-Jan-14 05:07:52

Haha Growler. grin

I just don't get the whole "will you try for a boy/girl" thing when you have one or the other. That's not how biology works.

MsAspreyDiamonds Thu 02-Jan-14 05:27:56

There is a whole alternate culture where having a boy is the main event and yabu not to have acknowledged that. Women and baby girls are still being physically & emotionally abused for being female and in some cases killed. Please don't forget this, all babies should be cherished regardless of sex.

I don't/haven't seen it TBH.
I did want a girl and was thrilled when she had the appropriate bits. I assume I'd have reconciled myself to the fact that she had boy bits if that had been the case.
I just feel blessed that we had one, although I was dead chuffed she didn't have a winkle.

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain Thu 02-Jan-14 05:42:23

I think if you had two girls you would get tge same comments, it's not one sex that is seen as tge ultimate goal, it's one of each.

For me personally I would have preferred two of tge same sex, ime siblings tend to be closer and the passing down is easier.

I was in a funny old place when I found out what sex my second was, And I was very disappointed. It really did come down to own experience of having a different sex sibling and wanting a better relationship for my dc. Tgat feeling hasn't lasted. It didn't even last as long as my depression which magnified those feelings. I have a funny feeling that if I had been told me second was tge same sex as my first I may still have had tge same issues.

MadIsTheNewNormal Thu 02-Jan-14 05:50:28

I think the OP means everyone in our culture seems to want girls. No good telling her about China. hmm

OP you are right, and it's annoying and unfair. Although most people just seem to think you got the booby prize if you don't manage to have at least one of each, but there is a definite preference for girls over boys. I have only boys, so been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

What annoys me even more than the rude and presumpuous comments of people I know, are the women who say they feel 'devastated' at only having boys and not having a girl, because only a girl can fulfil some wanky self-absorbed, narcissistic need in them about having a soul mate, lasting bonds and 'girlie chats' all that shit. hmm

JingleJemJem Thu 02-Jan-14 05:55:34

People who say that girls stay closer to you and with boys you have to deal with DILs are destined to become the subject of MIL threads on AIBU in future years!

I have one of each and find it vaguely irritating how people think that it's some sort of pinnacle of breeding and say 'ooh one each you lucky thing.' I am lucky of course but for having 2 lovely healthy children, regardless of their sex.

I think people say stuff like are you trying for a girl as small talk and don't mean any offence by it, but there is a bit of a cultural assumption in this country that mothers want girls. I think it's to do with all the blimmin pink unicorn princess shopping spa days we're all supposed to love so much.

Rosencrantz Thu 02-Jan-14 05:56:02

Mad I told her about lots of culture.

I even told her about Mumsnet culture. Don't think I could get more our if I tried.

Still doesn't mean that everyone wants girls.

ApocalypseThen Thu 02-Jan-14 06:06:52

I'm pleased to hear that some culture prefers girls, frankly. I think it's a measure of how far women have come that we're not a disappointment to parents.

There's a perception, I think, that girls are easier to raise. Sweeter, harder working in school, more likely to submit to their chores, easier to discipline. I don't know whether that's the reality of parenting but I think it's out there.

BohemianGirl Thu 02-Jan-14 06:14:42

I have boys, simplistic creatures, much like puppies ; walk them, feed them, stroke them and remain yours for life grin Rather that than the hormonal ridden beasts my friends seem to house share with. I have the better end of the deal at the moment. But then, I have yet to acquire DILs.

roweeena Thu 02-Jan-14 06:17:11

Maybe I am insecure but I'm definitely not disappointed with my two boys and am horrified that you could think I think lesser of them - it is everyone else's assumption that I must be slightly disappointed.

I know this is slightly unreasonable but I also get a little bit protective and hurt for my boys - what is wrong with having a boy? Why are people so pleased/relived to be having a girl.

I know in other society and cultures boys are wanted more but here in the UK there seems a strong wish the other way. I don't think it is some great feminist outcome either as I think being able to dress them up in cute clothes, gender stereotypes are stronger now than ever before.

Rosencrantz Thu 02-Jan-14 06:21:36

Why are people so pleased/relived to be having a girl.

That's the thing... they're no more pleased and relieved than they would be had they had boys.

Which is why everyone is accusing you of insecurity about your children's genders... because it is only you that thinks this is true.

RobinSparkles Thu 02-Jan-14 06:23:40

OP, YANBU to be a bit upset.

It's sad that people have preferences at all. They should be happy that they're having a healthy child blah blah blah. But people do have preferences and they can't help it.

When I was pregnant with DD1 I was just so happy to be pregnant that I didn't care what I was having. When I was pregnant with DD2 I had a secret longing for another girl. I couldn't help it. I had already had her name picked out since we'd been TTC and I wanted her to be just like her sister (she isn't). I was thrilled when I found out that she was a girl.

I've had the same though - "were you hoping for a boy the second time?" "Are you going to have another and try for a boy?"

I agree with a pp that most people think that one of each is the ultimate goal. "Ooh, you've one of each? How lovely!"

RobinSparkles Thu 02-Jan-14 06:27:33

And when you have girls people delight in telling you that boys are loving and girls are bitchy.

Boys love their mums!

steff13 Thu 02-Jan-14 06:33:05

I think here there is a bit of an expectation that people want at least one child of each sex. Perhaps that's why you're getting the response you are.

We have two boys, they are now ages 14 and 12, and I loved being a "boy mom." Boys are fun and awesome. Then, we had a bit of a surprise, and she is now 3 years old. smile But, if she had been another boy, I'm sure we would have been equally surprised/overwhelmed/thrilled as we were with her.

hopefulgum Thu 02-Jan-14 06:34:11

I remember the same sorts of comments when I had my second child, another boy. My relatives made a big deal out of the fact that I didn't have a "pigeon pair", and that my SIL's got it "right" when they managed to have a boy and girl (in that order), and it made me feel annoyed,and that they didn't value my sons.

I did want a daughter, but not as a replacement for my sons. I have wanted both sexes, and have had both, I wanted a big family and I have five children. Had they all been sons, I'd love them just as much, but imagine the comments I'd get!hmm

My MIL implied that I was having a third child because I wanted a daughter, not because my DH and I wanted another child. When my third was born a daughter, I was told I could"stop now". As if it was any of her business! I didn't stop, and PIL were dumbfounded. Why on earth did we have more children when we'd already had both sexes? It just made me so angry, but I've let it go now hmm

My sister has had 4 sons and I cannot tell you how many hurtful comments have been made to her. It is awful. People seem to think that boys will always be loud, naughty and active, but girls can be too. And not all girls are into pretty,girly pink things. My first daughter has never liked "girly" things and prefers to dress in pants and plain coloured clothing (and she's now 16).

Enjoy your sons, and don't let negative comments affect you.thanks

laughingeyes2013 Thu 02-Jan-14 07:00:27

You're right and reasonable, but not everyone shares that viewpoint. I wonder if it's just mums bitching I each other trying to gain oneupmanship? (i.e; my girls are nice than your boys - or vice versa).

People keep reminding me of that awful saying "a daughter is yours for all of her life, but a son is yours til he gains a wife".

I know in some cultures a son is more valued, but I agree in this country it seems a daughter is.

I was relieved to have two sons though. Having grown up in a large family and preferring to make dens and play 'boys games' with my closest brother, I'm in my comfort zone with boys and feel much more able to deal with boys than I would with girls. Especially as my female friend are adult and we have an adult relationship which is different than growing up entertaining each other! I'm quite relived not to have to go through all that hormonal bitching through school and beyond with a girl wink

There is a part of me that feels uneasy about the DIL thing though because often these 'old sayings' have an element of truth in them. I don't want to compete with another female like the saying implies.

I know it's right and proper for a couple to be their own family unit and sometimes girls can be pressurised away from parents and 'influenced' by their husbands, just as much as boys can be by their female partners.

An awful lot of people with boys tell me that their boys are still close to them as adults, and I know my brother takes our Mum out for coffee and breakfast regularly which is nice to see. And no, he's not tied to the apron strings!

I prefer to see it as having a 'person' and not a gender in my family. I hope my boys turn out like my brother in relation to how he is with Mum.

Sleepthief Thu 02-Jan-14 07:02:13

I don't want a girl and I'm on boy no.4 grin. Don't get me wrong, I would have been delighted whatever the gender, but I want my baby - who happens to be a boy - and not some random child of the opposite sex... My three (soon to be four) couldn't be more different from each other. And what other people want for their families has no bearing on me.

Of course, I've had the world and his wife asking if we were trying for a girl hmm, but given that we weren't trying at all, I just laugh that off. TBH I think people just feel a need to fill the silence with something... And if any closer to me express 'disappointment' that I'm having another boy, that's their problem fucking idiots

Anyway, YABU unreasonable for thinking that people generally prefer girls, but also for ignoring the fact that parents of girls get the same comments from passing randoms hmm

Lunaria Thu 02-Jan-14 07:04:55

I suspect that it's not so much gender preference in your situation, but people simply assuming that you'd want to experience both genders and what you are lacking is a girl.

In fact in general I know just as many if not more people wanting boys because they are "less demanding".

Plus, don't forget you are probably talking to mostly women who would prefer a girl to be a princess with.

I'm having a girl and yes, it was my preference if I was only ever able to have one child. In the scheme of things though, next time I'll be leaning towards a boy xx

lookatmycameltoe Thu 02-Jan-14 07:24:13

OP this always happens on MN when a poster dares suggest that girls may be the prized gender in RL.
Cue 100 regular posters coming out and saying that they have boys, love boys, have never heard anything so ridiculous, it's all in your head.

In my RL girls are most definitely the prized gender with lots (not all) people. I have a boy and 2 girls and and have seen this very clearly. I also have a friend who is an obstetrician who can't believe how many women become very distressed after finding out they are having a boy. She is childless herself and even asked me if it was 'that bad' having a boy?

BenNJerry Thu 02-Jan-14 07:24:53

I have seen gender preferences. I have heard people make comments like "Ooooh, we hope we're having a girl". I'm sure the feeling wouldn't last if they did have a boy, but I don't like hearing those sort of comments anyway.

I'm quite a "girlie girl" I suppose and thus EVERYONE was convinced that I would have a girl. When we got to the scan, there was DS's little winky. wink I had no preference anyway, but I was a bit surprised as everyone else had convinced me that it would be a girl!

Ds is nearly 8 months. We would like another child in the future. If it's a girl, great. If it's a boy, just as great. (We couldn't agree on a girl's name anyway) wink

Op, I had a load of comments about it as well. I also get lots of 'girls sleep better', 'girls sit and listen', 'your son will leave one day whereas girls stay' blah blah. I have a gorgeous son and just ignore. I think sometimes the happiness at a girl is as shallow as having a mini me to dress up. Nothing wrong with that btw if that's what floats your boat.

blackandwhiteandredallover Thu 02-Jan-14 07:37:35

This is something I only ever hear about on MN. Honestly. As the mother of 2 girls I can tell you the comments go both ways- it is not some campaign against boys! And usually it's just something to say, there is no deeper meaning.

Chattymummyhere Thu 02-Jan-14 07:51:41

I wanted a girl as I was scared of having a boy and looking after a boy, my dh wanted a boy and to do it the proper way boy then girl.

We had our scan and boy.. I was a little hm ok but that was because I had convinced myself it was a girl and hey I know what to do with girls, I love my son and his great fun and lovely character.

My next was a girl and I so admit when I saw no boy bits on her scan I was very excited but she is hard work.

I wouldn't change them I will was silly and scared, and love watching them play.

I have been guilty of asking a friend if she was going to have anymore or of she would of liked to have a girl I ment no harm in it, it was a general question and at the time I only had a boy.

I think at 12weeks post giving birth your just still very emotional about what appears to you as people being unhappy with your new son.

Sianilaa Thu 02-Jan-14 07:58:46

I'm sure the comments go the other way too, if you only have girls. But as a mother of two DSs, YANBU. The comments are awful. Even recently we went on holiday with good friends who have two DDs. The hurtful comments came thick and fast, "I'm SO glad I don't have any boys!" being the gem I remember best. It made me feel very angry, there's nothing wrong or bad about boys or having sons. Nor is there anything wrong with my boys in particular! It's just that mine liked being active and doing things, whereas hers sat still and coloured in for two weeks and she wouldn't let them do anything that would make their pretty dresses dirty. The girls thing is probably all about dressing them up and painting their nails like dollies.

I think, you're happy to get what you're given but it doesn't stop people opening their mouths before they have thought about what's going to come out of it!

PoppySeed2014 Thu 02-Jan-14 08:08:33

Op, yanbu at all. I'm pregnant with my second boy and have had a LOT of comments about it being a shame not to have a girl (this will be my last pregnancy).
With such a tiny baby, you are also probably being over sensitive because the protective instincts are SO overwhelming aren't they!
But I hear you. I've experienced the same.

The only time I wished I was having a girl was when my sexist pil said they definitely wanted me to have another boy. Grrr.... (They're from a culture where boys are prized)

I bet your boys are lovely and delicious and will grow up to be kind, good men. Congratulations! fsmile

curlew Thu 02-Jan-14 08:11:37

Nice to see the balanced redressed a bit.

MsJupiterJones Thu 02-Jan-14 08:13:00

Intrigued by boy then girl being the 'Proper way' chatty! But I think you have raised an important point: MN and a lot of parenting chat is dominated by women, who are more likely (rightly or wrongly) to have envisioned a daughter in their lives. Biologically we want to replicate ourselves and emotionally we want to replicate the positive relationships we have experienced. (This is obviously not universal but often the case)

I agree with other posters that we are also meant to buy into the spa days 'n' shopping stuff and that girls have been given this reputation of being easier but I think if these conversations were dominated by men, we would see a lot more admissions that they had dreamed of having a boy 'to play football with' - despite this being illogical and them knowing this.

CeliaLytton Thu 02-Jan-14 08:19:04

Congratulations on your new baby!

Many people, particularly the older generation IME, think it is the aim to have one of each. Friends with more than one boy or girl are constantly asked if they will try for another of the opposite sex!

My personal experience is that girls are more desired than boys, but it is not possible that many women want what they know, in the same way men want a boy because they feel that they would be able to relate better? Doesn't mean they won't be just as delighted with any baby, but that they have a natural preconception of a sex they might be better able to guide and understand as they grow up.

Frusso Thu 02-Jan-14 08:21:16

Comments go the other way too. Especially when you have 2 of one sex and are pregnant.

RobinSparkles Thu 02-Jan-14 08:21:49

See, the Spa and shopping days thing annoys me.

I know someone who had a girl after two boys. She updated her Facebook status:

Having some girly time doing some girly shopping with DD! smile

Sod off! She's three months old, you fool!

My DD1 would rather stick pins in her eyes than go shopping and I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have a spa day. Strangers touching me? No thanks!

curlew Thu 02-Jan-14 08:22:51

My late grandmother in law used to talk about my sil's boy then girl vry approvingly as a "pigeon pair". No idea where the term came from. But I can see how in times past parents might be pleased to have a boy first so that if the parents died any subsequent girls wouldn't be left "unprotected". That sort of cultural idea goes deep and takes a long time to die.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Thu 02-Jan-14 08:22:53

I played it cool when I was pregnant with dc2. Said I was totally easy about gender. I already had a DS. In reality though, I was desperate for a girl and was over the moon when dd1 was born. I did experience a small feeling of 'loss' though for a boy though.

It wasn't so much the girl per se, it was the fact that we wanted one of each. So far, so different, and and so wonderful.

Grizzley, I do exactly the same. Whisper in their ears that they are my best friend.

If you have a second girl though you do get asked if you're disappointed / will you have a third and try for a boy etc. DH has always wanted 3 and this conversation happens a lot:

- Is two your lot then?
- For me yes but DH would like a third - we'll see
- Ah - he wants a boy then

SoupDragon Thu 02-Jan-14 08:30:28

I think if you had two girls you would get tge same comments, it's not one sex that is seen as tge ultimate goal, it's one of each.

This.

If you'd had 2 girls you would have the same type of comments.

NigellasGuest Thu 02-Jan-14 08:40:48

I have 3 girls and people seemed positively sorry for me when DD3 was born!

sashh Thu 02-Jan-14 08:51:41

OP

What these people see as their future with being close is pure fantasy, no one knows how close they will be to their children in the future.

I live about 100 miles from my mother, my brother is another 400 miles further away but he is the one my parents see more often.

My brother has always been closer to my mother, they share a sense of humour and have a similar outlook on life and my mum loves her DIL.

We are spoiled rotten in this county in the 21st century. We know what sex our baby will be and we know in advance of a lot of health problems before birth.

When my mother was carrying me she was exposed to rubella, she then had to go another 7 months not knowing whether I would die at birth, be born deaf and/or blind or with other medical problems.

The old adage of 'I don't care what I get as long as it's healthy' was very much alive and well in the late 1960s, when do you hear that now?

Catsize Thu 02-Jan-14 08:53:15

I am pregnant with second child and lots of people assume we want a daughter as we already have a son. I find this very strange - we would just like another child!

frankie4 Thu 02-Jan-14 09:00:43

YANBU. I have 2 ds's and agree about the preference for girls. I have been a bit upset sometimes that I will never have a dd but I have never regretted my ds's. I had a bad time with friends as a teenager and think that if I had a dd I might be tainted by my experiences.

I have had a lot of comments over the years. Eg My DM saying that my SIL is always lucky (she had ds then a dd), my other SIL saying that dd's are better than ds's etc. The general view at the school gate is that girls are better than boys in all ways, behaviour, academically, as a friend to their DM etc. There is a definite preference for girls.

But when I see a mum walking along with her older ds's, often taller than her, I can't wait and I am just excited about the future with my ds's.

dustarr73 Thu 02-Jan-14 09:01:31

5 boys here and the crap ive heard.Seriously the way people talk-you would swear you could choose the sex.Its potluck really.On my 5th i was in having my scan and the nurse asked what i had and then when she told me it was another boy.She tilted her head and looked sad.
I said great another boy ive loads of clothes to hand down.Save me a fortune.

I think people say stupid stuff to fill airtime,i dont think they realise how stupid and patronising they sound.

Foxeym Thu 02-Jan-14 09:02:02

I have 2 girls age 12 and 15 and never wanted a boy although people insisted that I did?? Then I had surprise DS1 10 weeks ago and can't imagine not having him. The girls are fantastic with him and I'm looking forward to doing more 'boy' things after years of hair and girly stuff so for me it was a case of you never know what you want until you get it smile

BR44 Thu 02-Jan-14 09:03:47

I don't think YABU OP. But at 12 wks you're justifiably defensive and emotional. I was too after my DS2 was born. He's now 8 mnths and DS1 is 3.4.

I think most of the problem stems from the fact that a lot of people think they can decide what their children will be like before they're even born. Our ideas about 'sons' and 'daughters' as opposed to children are becoming way too polarised I think. I'm sure that toys, books, clothing etc are far more gender-targeted than they used to be when I was young (and I'm only in my thirties) and the steady drip effect of this is quite corrosive. Most people out there are far from stupid, I'm not saying they are, but when we are bombarded with crap from the pink and blue corners it's easy to unconsciously buy into the idea that girls will grow up neat and tidy and do well at school and be polite and make us proud and boys will loudly demand nerf guns and pull hair at playgroup and struggle with academic subjects. Okay, this is overstating it but this is broadly true I think. I saw gender-targeted cookery books the other day and almost screamed in the middle of Tesco. Why exactly should my kids (with willies) eat chicken burgers and my friend's kids (sans willies) eat strawberry cheesecake???? Lunacy. And potentially quite damaging. Ok, so me and my friend walked past grizzling and laughing about it and it's not the end of the world but it also left me a bit depressed. My DS1 and her DD1 are temprementally very similar, like almost all the same games and toys and I hope will stay good friends as they get older. And for what it's worth, she is considerably louder and bolshier!!

I freely admit I would have liked DC2 to be a girl. For no reason other than I had a boy and I would have liked a girl. But when I found out he wasn't I gave myself a good talking to re all the above and now I really can't believe I was ever bothered with gender. Once you get to know your own children it highlights how irrelevant it is. And you know what? I did once say to my cousin, who had just had her second boy, 'oh, are you tempted to try for a girl?'. If I could go back and un-say it or tell my younger, childless self what a moronic, offensive and downright rude thing it was to say then I would. But actually sometimes people just say silly things to fill the airspace and they shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Enjoy your boys OP. My eldest is currently explaining to his younger brother why turntable ladders on fire engines are better than plain ladders. Soon he will accuse him of stealing said fire engine (true) when he's too little to play properly (getting less true by the day) and it's likely to end in a clonk on the head and tears. Boys, eh? But that's another thread...

thegreylady Thu 02-Jan-14 09:07:27

My dd has two boys who are the most sweet and loving children you could hope to meet. There was a hope for a girl second time just to have one of each but if dc1 had been a girl they would have wanted a boy.
My feeling fwiw any child is a precious privilege and each brings his/her own love to the world. Gender preferences are pointless and a bit daft.

pinkandlilacspring Thu 02-Jan-14 09:08:50

My daughter turned one last month, I have to admit I was so relieved when she was a girl. I had a preference for a girl from the start but fixated so much on actually getting pregnant that gender fell by the wayside. I will get absolutely flamed for this, but I had nightmares about having a boy, I really, really felt strongly about having a girl.

Am pregnant again now and due in march and this time I'm not bothered, as I've got a daughter so a son would be nice but I'd also love two little girls. It is nice to be able to enjoy my pregnancy this time, I would have been upset if I'd only had sons. There's a woman I see doing the school run in the morning with five boys and I always feel a bit sorry for her.

Ohfuckeryitsmarzipan Thu 02-Jan-14 09:11:04

I already had pfb son when I had dts. Fil reaction "more boys!" Don't know if it was meant to be lighthearted (he had 3 boys, only one niece and 2 dgs) but I was fuming. I love my ds and when I was having surprise number 4 I didn't actually believe obs when he delivered dd. I hadn't chosen a girls name. But love them all (sometimes)

dozeydoris Thu 02-Jan-14 09:11:50

I think mothers who have had 2 DCs of the same sex are more likely to go on to have a third than mothers who have had one of each.

I wonder if there are any stats.

I don't think I've known anyone who wanted all of one sex (not uk culture anyway!)

thegreylady Thu 02-Jan-14 09:12:28

We recently hosted a huge family party. When my ds asked me to dance it was one of my proudest moments. When my dd put her arms round me and said, 'Have we made your dream real, Mum?' that was another.
I watched their dc- two boys and a girl, and not for one second would I have swapped any of them.

dozeydoris Thu 02-Jan-14 09:13:20

Hadn't read pinks comment about boys!

NaturalBaby Thu 02-Jan-14 09:15:03

If you are happy then it really shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks or wants. Just focus on raising happy, well adjusted boys and the preferences will probably be totally different when they're old enough to notice.

I have 3 boys, they're mine and they're perfect. Nobody else has to be happy about it, just me and my DH.

SolomanDaisy Thu 02-Jan-14 09:15:08

I think there is a definite preference towards baby girls in current British culture. Unfortunately it isn't a positive redressing the balance after centuries of preference for girls, as it is based on gender stereotypes which have a negative influence on both boys and girls.

diddl Thu 02-Jan-14 09:15:42

I wonder how much our own experiences of childhood colour it?

I'm one of two girls & deperately didn't want two girls-to the point of considering only having one child if pfb was a girl.

PFB was a boy so no dilemma as to whether of not to have another.

Would have been delighted with either two boys or one of each.

PSB a daughter-omg-what hard work she is compared to PFB!

pinkandlilacspring Thu 02-Jan-14 09:18:14

Dozy, I agree - I know a lot of people who had two DSs then a third or two DDs and a third.

A lot insist it was a happy surprise but I know a LOT of people who found permanent contraception after having a child of a different gender to their older brothers/sisters! grin

Or maybe they were just too knackered to DTD!

dustarr73 Thu 02-Jan-14 09:19:05

Dozeydoris i think if you have 3 of the same sex its more likely if you have another child they will all be the same sex.
Its not wanting all of one sex ,im happy enough with my 5 boys,its potluck really.Sure you cant sent them back.

My 17 and 18 year old are great wiht the younger kids.Its funny having everyone in the room together,doesnt happen often though.
Op let it wash over you and enjoy your newborn

TortillasAndChocolate Thu 02-Jan-14 09:19:59

It really winds me up when people have a preference of one sex over the other to be honest. The assumption that if someone has two or three of the same sex they must be disappointed is equally annoying.

When I was pregnant with DS I found out it was a boy. My friend was pregnant and due two days before me. She didn't find out but wanted a girl and told me constantly that she really hoped it wasn't a boy, she'd be so disappointed etc.

Rightly or wrongly I used to feel quite hurt as she knew I was having a boy and I felt she was saying I should also be disappointed. I think I was also annoyed as we had had IVF to conceive and were so grateful to have a baby and really truly had no preference. I just think having a baby is a miracle and a privilege and sex preferences are best kept to yourself.

TortillasAndChocolate Thu 02-Jan-14 09:22:41

Oh and once when I was pregnant, someone seriously said to me, 'are you a bit disappointed that you're not having a girl? The clothes are so much nicer' gringringrin

LucilleBluth Thu 02-Jan-14 09:24:18

I have two boys, one guitar playing rock star and the other a rugby loving maths whizz, I wouldn't swap them for the world, I never felt disappointed to be having boys at all, it didn't register that I should be disappointed but then when my boys were 7 and 9 I became pregnant again and had a.........GIRL, oh my the comments that followed, 'I'll bet your so glad you got your girl' ect ect........well no actually, she is wonderful but so are my boys.

YANBU OP.......but boys and girls are equally wonderful. It's our pink, dress up, princess culture that is the real reason for the sway towards girls IMO.......some idiots want a little replica of themselves.

Dolcelatte Thu 02-Jan-14 09:26:30

I believe that the majority of UK couples going abroad for sex selection (not legal here) are seeking girls.

Froblawd Thu 02-Jan-14 09:29:01

Most my friends have girls and they all want a boys next. I wanted a boy and now have a gorgeous son. I would actually like another boy and could happily have a third. I think it's because I have 2 brothers and grew up with all male cousins so I was I/ am a bit of a Tomboy.

DH was congratulated many times for producing a boy first (at the time it was generally assumed we'd have more than one DC). What people couldn't understand was that he was hoping for a girl- he had a name he really wanted for a girl, was less fussed about boy names.

I always insisted I was having a boy, mainly to prepare him for the possibility that it wouldn't be a girl. My DM was amazed that i was so unconcerned as she had been worried that i would be a boy as she "wouldnt know how to potty train a boy"! Eight years on I doubt DH cares, my DM definitely doesn't!

We have a healthy, gorgeous, noisy and energetic child, that's all we care about.

MorrisZapp Thu 02-Jan-14 09:31:44

I think there's a lot of over analysing passing comments on this. Most people don't care really how many kids other people have, what gender they are etc. But they feel they should say something, so they say something predictable like 'are you trying for a girl' etc, probably because they've heard the expression on tv or similar.

It's only really parents themselves who care either way. It's just idle chat from others, try to tune it out if it bothers you.

greenfolder Thu 02-Jan-14 09:33:53

People talk nonsense all the time. I have 3 dd s. With Dd3 if we could have gone to a baby shop we would have gone with blue. We didn't find out the sex and when she was born we were so happy that we both survived birth and we didn't care less (as we knew we wouldn't). We figure we will end up with grandsons at a point. Most of the people I know have sons,kids should be valued for who they are.

kilmuir Thu 02-Jan-14 09:34:59

People are stupid and say daft things. We have 3dd, when i was carrying DC number 4 , people would ask my husband if 'at last you may get a boy' . As though the daughters meant nothing and we had kept going until we got that son. Idiots

FrankAndFurt Thu 02-Jan-14 09:40:54

Well, if you had two girls everyone would ask if you were going to try for a boy. It's tactless and a bit dumb but it's not the end of the world.

I have a rule of never asking about whether people 'are going to try for a baby' or want a particular sex as you never know their circumstances.

Summerblaze Thu 02-Jan-14 09:41:06

I hate all comments re gender and i have 1 girl and 2 boys. Girls arent as loving as boys. Wrong in our family. Dd is a real cuddly person. Ds1 is a mummys boy but only cuddles when he wants too and ds2 is between the two re cuddles but is a daddys boy. Girls love shopping. No, dd hates shopping. And my mil loves the saying about daughters for life when she is talking about her relationship with her mum and her brothers lack of one. She totally forgets that she is also talking about dh who is very close to her and involved in her life. Makes him feel like shit.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 09:41:12

I have a dd and a ds, and am looking forward to one day welcoming and getting to know any partners they might have.

I think you can have just as close a relationship with either sex - and in fact ds is living up to the stereotype of being my super cuddly one - still at 12 fsmile

People should give more consideration as to whether their musings, especially on gender, but generally on your reproductive and family life, are actually helpful!
Also they don't come to order do they ?!

needaholidaynow Thu 02-Jan-14 09:46:10

I'm very happy with my two boys smile I got the same comments when DS2 was born but you just have to learn to ignore. We won't be having any more and you ask me if I am disappointed about not having a girl.

Nope. Couldn't give a toss smile

phantomnamechanger Thu 02-Jan-14 09:47:10

people just feel its their business to comment regardless of the gender of a baby, the size of your family, or even how well they know you....

so you'll get "Dh must be so pleased" when you have a boy, or you'll get "oh no are you disappointed" when you have a second or third boy/girl

when DD3 was stillborn we even had someone tell us that at least it was only another girl. oh yes, it would have been much worse to have lost a boy hmm

if you leave a gap you are asked if you only want one child, if you fall pg after a larger than average age gap its assumed it was a mistake

what I don't get is the obsession with keeping on trying till you get the longed for gender. I know someone who has 9 girls then a boy and for the last 6 girls the whole world knew she wanted a boy, they were on Tv in the papers everything. I just think that's so sad, I feel sorry for those girls - however well they are cared for, there will always be a feeling they were not wanted/not good enough.

rockybalboa Thu 02-Jan-14 09:47:55

I have 3 DS. Standard response when telling people DS3 was also going to be a boy was for a sad face to be pulled and accompanied by the phrase "oh. Will you keep trying for a girl?". Gave me the fucking rage each time and makes me cross just typing it.

whatnow33 Thu 02-Jan-14 09:51:28

I agree Morris. I doubt anyone really cares what sex other people's dc are. It's just something to say.

I did have a slight preference for daughters (though I would never say that irl). But as pp have said, it was due to my own experiences - I'm close to my parents whereas my brothers can go months without speaking to them, rarely visit, always forget their birthdays and eldest db doesn't even bother responding to our mum's texts/emails angry . I want my dcs to be independent but I would be gutted not to receive a card on my birthday or an occasional phonecall from them. I know this is them rather than their gender, but it still worried me. I also worried about silly things like what if ds liked really typically boyish things like cars and football and we had nothing to talk about! Alhough I also panicked that if I had a dd I would have the same problem, so maybe I'm just a worrier!

Broodymomma Thu 02-Jan-14 09:55:52

I have a 6 years old ds, you can imagine some of the comments we got when we just went through the adoption process to disappoint people by adopting a 2 year old boy. They were all so sure we were adopting to get a girl. Seriously!

ebwy Thu 02-Jan-14 09:55:58

I was told, "never mind, maybe next time you'll get a girl" about my second son... How rude! I was glad to have survived the pregnancy and got him out alive too (was a chance that neither would happen)

I would like another baby but probably won't. If I do, I won't care boy or girl, just let us both get through it ok and baby be healthy

WooWooOwl Thu 02-Jan-14 09:56:52

I very much didn't want a girl first, and happily I got the boy I wanted.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Thu 02-Jan-14 10:03:24

sashh, you hear it quite a lot (see threads passim where posters get offended by other people saying it because apparently it implies that a baby with health problems is less wanted).

BalloonSlayer Thu 02-Jan-14 10:07:05

I think people say "that's what I really wanted" because they are so pleased with what they have got. They love their DCs, they think (know!) that their DCs are nicer, cleverer, more attractive than anyone else's so they can't help but advertise their happiness. It's just what proud parents do!

When I was growing up, I was the youngest of 3 girls, and everything seemed to be built around families of four, and the pictures you saw always had Mum, Dad, two children: boy and a girl with the boy being older.

I decided that two children, boy and girl, with the boy older was the most BORING average blah combination of DCs anyone could ever have and there was no way I was ever going to be so dull and conventional etc etc

Fast forward xx years and I had 2 DCs, by chance the elder a boy and the younger a girl. And I thought it was the coolest thing ever and was completely delighted I had got that combination that way round.

I now have another boy, and now I think that two boys and one girl is FAB and the best thing ever. But I also know that if I had three boys, or three girls or two girls and one boy or . . . well you get the drift . . . I would think that was FAB and the best thing ever too.

Wevet Thu 02-Jan-14 10:08:26

I think it's one of the minor conversational issues that show up other people's entrenched gender stereotypes. Or stupidity. Or their inability to realise that not everyone shares their preferences.

I actually agree that in this country at the moment there seems to be a quite strong current feeling that girls are 'better', that every woman really wants a girl first, whatever she says, and then a boy 'for her husband', but that if she could only have a child or children of one sex, then girls all the way.

And I don't think it's any kind of feminist backlash against boys being the desired sex for years, I think it's a fairly depressing response to increasingly gendered marketing of children's clothes and toys, which is forming our opinion of boys and girls being increasingly polarised and different.

I thought I had zero sex preference when I was pregnant with what I knew would be my only child. Not long before the 20 week scan, I was in a shopping centre with a friend and her monosyllabic teenage son, and found myself getting suddenly panicky at the idea of not wanting a boy, and realising it was because of the racks of lovely, brightly-coloured girls clothes, compared to a single aisle of trousers and jumpers in blue, navy, khaki and bottle-green, decorated with cars or dinosaurs I realise I was unconsciously accepting a dopey stereotype. Girls = fun! free! emotional! Can do anything! however traditionally girlish or boyish! Boys = limited emotional range! macho! gruff! alien etc etc. (Not helped by monosyllabic teenager...)

I was terribly upset when I found out I was carrying a boy at the scan. I realised I was being stupid and self-indulgent, and never said a word to another soul. I was besotted with him from birth. He is one now. He has no idea he is a 'boy', or how boys are supposed to behave. He plays with kitchens and fire engines, toy cars and baby dolls and balls. He loves baking and dancing. His favourite colour is pink. His favourite book is The Pointy Hatted Princesses. He obeys no gender stereotypes whatsoever.

He is unspeakably gorgeous. I do dread the gender indoctrination he will inevitably be subject to as he gets older, though.

I have four girls and for years Dp has had to explain that no we aren't trying for a boy and that no he isn't bitterly disappointed that I haven't given him a son hmm Sil has four boys and got asked the same questions about girls so it definitely happens both ways in my experience.

Oh and it's not that we are pleased that we didn't get a boy just that we were happy to have four happy healthy children after two m/c rather than worrying about the sex of them.

Dogsmom Thu 02-Jan-14 10:14:02

I'd like to stick up for those who have strong gender preference, I never wanted a boy, even before we thought about ttc I had preference towards girls in general and when we did decide to start trying I spent hours on the net looking into how you can influence the gender by eating certain foods, having sex at certain times etc and did use the methods.
It took 3 years for me to fall pregnant and when I had the much longed for two lines one of my first thoughts was to hope it was a girl.
I then spent hours more looking at old wives tales about symptoms relating to gender, every one told me it was a boy and each time my heart sank.
After the 12 week scan I spent more hours comparing it to other pictures online to see what the nub and skull looked and when it looked more female I felt relieved.
I also spent hours looking at boys toys/clothes/books etc to get my head around the fact that there was a 50% chance I'd have a boy.
At 16 weeks we paid for a private gender scan and it showed we were having a girl and yes I did feel elated.

As you can probably tell having gender preference really dominates your life and I'd say it spoilt my early pregnancy.
We get told we're selfish, irrational, ridiculous and people assume that we would rather have a certain gender than a healthy baby which is insulting and totally wrong, of course we worry more about it being healthy than what gender it is.
Nothing anyone can say can make me feel more guilty or give me more self loathing than I already feel at preferring a certain sex, people with a preference don't choose to feel that way, we'd much rather not have those feelings believe me.

I don't think though that girls are more preferred, I read thousands of posts on various gender forums and it's 50/50, there are many posts the same as mine but from women who preferred to have a boy.

Regarding comments from other people, I had those too, I'm sick of hearing how girls are spiteful, don't like cuddles, will turn into vile teenagers and how I only wanted a girl to dress up like a doll and turn into a mini me, I was also told that my husband must have wanted a son to take to the football. For every anti boy comment there is an anti girl comment.

campion Thu 02-Jan-14 10:14:42

It's a fact Broodymama that more boys than girls enter the care system so more boys will be available for adoption.

Without knowing the reasons one can only speculate why this happens.I hope it's not because boys are less valued by some people.Obviously not by you though smile

HungryHorace Thu 02-Jan-14 10:16:42

I don't / didn't have a preference regarding sex when I was pregnant with DD. I'd got myself convinced she was a boy and was amazed to be told we had a daughter when she was born. Not disappointed though, just relieved we were both alive as I'd needed an EMCS.

I'm now pregnant with DC2 and again have no preference. Yes, it would be easier to have another girl as we have loads of girls' clothes, but I'll be happy with whatever nature gives to us.

I'm very much of the wanting a healthy baby camp rather than having a preference. DH is the same.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:17:52

baby girls were/are abandoned at birth in China. but we're not in China confused

And many Chinese parents who very reluctantly abandon their child as they can't afford to pay the fine would be horrified to hear that anyone thinks they do it from choice. Increasingly with a more affluent middle class people are ale to just pay the fine.

Anyway there is undoubtedly on average a gender preference for girls in this country - its estimated that 85% of people who adopt initally express a preference for a girl although in the end adoption of boy/girl is fairly evenly split.

If it helps - the gender preference things, valuing feminine traits and behaviour does wear off in late teens and mysteriously morphs into sexism and valuing masculine traits. Which isn't any preferable.

In the end it doesn't matter, what matters is how much you adore him and think he's perfect but it's not nice when people think your much adored child isn't just wonderful and asking you if you are disappointed shows a lack of empathy that verges on the requirement for brain surgery.

LimeLelloLizard Thu 02-Jan-14 10:19:39

I understand why you're being a bit over sensitive. But the thing is, commentators will say stupid things no matter what children you have.

If you have boys, they'll assume you want a girl
If you have girls, they'll assume you want a boy
If you only have one, they'll constantly ask you if you're trying for another.
If you have a boy and a girl you'll be praised for 'getting it right' even though they have no idea what kind of difficulties or loss you have experienced in the past, or what your preferences were.
If you have three or more they'll make comments about you 'having your hands full' whilst giving you disapproving looks.
If you have chosen to be child free, you'll be told you'll regret it, and if you are desperately ttc you'll be told to 'hurry up'.

Most of these commentators do not mean to be hurtful. Let it wash over you as much as possible.

Wevet Thu 02-Jan-14 10:23:56

ThePortly, you have the best name on Mumsnet!

I think it works differently when it's collective, if you see what I mean. I think there's a perception that if a woman can only have one child then it's 'obvious' she wants a girl. With two, it's considered 'ideal' to have one of either sex. People now find it so unusual to have more than two (or three at a stretch), that it's seen as 'evidence' of a desperate quest for a child of the 'other' sex, if the existing children are all boys or girls.

But I think there's still a perception that if a woman can only have one child, then a girl is 'better'.

aquashiv Thu 02-Jan-14 10:25:18

What really grates is that the emphasis is still put on the genders behaving in a prescribed way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 02-Jan-14 10:25:37

I wonder if you're extra aware of 'baby girls' now OP, that you've had a second son? I mean similar in the way to if you change your car for a different one you suddenly notice masses of them around you?

I wouldn't say it's UK culture to be pro-girls or, if it is, it's a seachange. I'm 44 now and have three younger brothers. When I was young, boys were definitely the thing to have and my brothers were idolised by my dad's parents. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't mistreated in any way but there was most definitely a preference for boys.

I personally think that if there is a preference for girls now it's a sort of 'balance redress' and that IS down to feminism in that feminists have made life very much easier for women, fought for them, been laying the groundwork for many years and now that equality is very much more prevalent, parents can relax a little more that whatever the future holds, it will be better for girls than it has ever been. I know it's not perfect and needs work still, but it's ALWAYS been easy for boys hasn't it?

Lastly, whatever gender of child you have it's not about babies to coo over at all. It is human beings that we're rearing and considering the vast amount of information and skills that they will need to learn that is always going to be the focus, they should both be learning the same with a few tweaks here and there. Maybe that way, future parents will truly not have such a marked predilection for a gender.

Enjoy your children OP and stop worrying what other people think because you can't change it and if you let it, it will really spoil the time you have with your children while they're young.

Because I have a tendency to dote upon and over-mother little children, I was delighted when I had a girl. No need to worry about raising mummy's boys, Stalin or Hitler type scenario.

<-- paraphrasing actual thing read on NetMums several years ago.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:28:44

I think there is a definite preference towards baby girls in current British culture. Unfortunately it isn't a positive redressing the balance after centuries of preference for girls, as it is based on gender stereotypes which have a negative influence on both boys and girls.

And what SolomanDaisy said

Quangle Thu 02-Jan-14 10:29:23

As long as girls are referred to on a parenting thread as "hormonal beasts" then I think we still have a long way to come.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:30:09

I don;t think objecting to people asking if you're "disappointed" having given birth to a perfect baby is being over sensitive.

Agree with Quangle. I have a daughter and rather shudder to think of her going out with a lad who has been raised by a mother with an unpleasant view of girls, in all honesty.

WeeTeaJenny Thu 02-Jan-14 10:32:04

I have two boys and have lost count of times people have said " oh there's always next time " or " you'll just need to try again " .

Very common and had it from all ages of friends / colleagues

Not sure if we will have any more children but yes a girl would be lovely but it's just as well I'm not easily offended as the comments were constant .

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:32:46

Quangle - I think it the pre-hormonal phase when girls are preferred. But yes we still have a long way to come because its only the "traditional" feminine virtues and playing "nicely", reading, having tea parties, being pretty etc that appear to be valued. Not on an individual level (I hope everyone loves their own child) but at a societal level.

Only1scoop Thu 02-Jan-14 10:34:46

I've always felt when I hear that 'boys are more loving' line ....it's almost as if its said in a lame way to cheer up someone up that's not having a girl....

janey68 Thu 02-Jan-14 10:36:09

I think you're being over sensitive. A lot of people make throwaway comments and its really no big deal. Having said that, some people do have a yearning for a particular gender and there's nothing wrong with that, and I'm sure in 99.9% of cases the parents are totally happy with whichever gender they actually have, even if it isn't the one they thought they preferred. I was really really keen to have a girl, and I did first time round. I then had ds who I of course utterly adore too. I do have this feeling that whereas I'd have been quite happy to have two girls, I would have felt I was missing out on something if I'd had only boys... But who knows, no doubt if I did have just boys I'd feel utterly delighted. Don't over think it OP. if you are happy with your family then throwaway comments won't matter

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:36:54

It was made very clear to me that if I wanted to adopt a girl then I would wait a great deal longer as girls were so much more in demand. I have absolutely no doubt there is a gender preference for girls based on my personal experience in a (rare) situation where you actually do get to specify a gender.

On the upside it meant I got my lovely boy because he was in the most difficult to place group - male, not white and potential health needs.

DamnBamboo Thu 02-Jan-14 10:37:04

I have 3 DS and people always ask me if I want another just to have a girl!

I think I would also have been asked the same with regards to wanting a boy, if I had 3 DDs.

Overall, there is no evidence that society generally prefers girls at all, an d in fact, in many cultures boys are still far more preferred.

I think perhaps you are being a little sensitive here.

flowers

wigglesrock Thu 02-Jan-14 10:37:47

I've 3 daughters, I've noticed the opposite smile . When I had dd3 I was actually commiserated with at the school gates. Apparently my life will be hell when they're teenagers & my husband will have no-one to play football with <eyeroll>

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:38:44

"I think you're being over sensitive"

You think being asked if you're disappointed with your baby is being over sensitive?! shock

I am pregnant with DC2 and really really really want it to be another girl.

I just can't get excited about it being a boy sad.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:40:21

OP - I think the MN classic "Did you mean that to sound so offensive?" might be worth a try.

I think its always worth challenging (even mildly) gender stereotyping in any form - it doesn't do any child any favours thinking that they are anything other than individuals and not part of a homogenous mass that should/does behave in a certain way.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:41:30

That is sad, Bunny. I'd give up a lot for the chance for a brother (or sister) for DS.

DamnBamboo Thu 02-Jan-14 10:42:19

Why Bunny why?

And what if you have a boy?

I have no idea why* Kew*. I didn't have a strong preference for a girl when I was pregnant with DD1.

I know it'll all dissipate once the baby is born and I'll love them as much as I do DD1.

Maybe it's because I'm worried I might not know how to parent a boy.

DamnBamboo Thu 02-Jan-14 10:44:24

Because clearly these people who are asking you if you are disappointed with your gorgeous baby boy in your arms, are total idiots!

DamnBamboo Thu 02-Jan-14 10:45:28

I know it'll all dissipate once the baby is born and I'll love them as much as I do DD1

So then surely you are looking forward to it, because you know how powerful that love is?

And I keep thinking about how boring boy's names seem and how boring boy's clothes look in the shops and about how once they turn 12 they'll do nothing but hide in their room wanking into socks.

I am aware this might be rather irrational grin.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:46:09

Overall, there is no evidence that society generally prefers girls at all thats true - my social worker rolling her eyes and saying "everyone says that" when I said I'd prefer a girl isn't really evidence. The fact that I would have had to wait longer for a girl because of the demand for girls is evidence though I don;t have any published evidence.

Mind you, by the time I was matched with DS I'd have taken a baby monkey if it was offered I was so desperate to be a parent.

Bodypopper Thu 02-Jan-14 10:46:26

Oh load of old bollocks people talk.

Same as looking at a bump and saying its low so it's a girl or high it's a boy.

Bollocks is all making conversations.

I have 2 boys and 2 girls and wouldn't change anything.

They are all individual human beings not just genetic boys or girls.

Just to clarify. I am delighted at being pregnant and giddy about having another baby no matter what the sex.

Just being brutally honest about my preference.

DamnBamboo Thu 02-Jan-14 10:47:49

Irrational is an understatement bunny

Boys names, seem boring...doing nothing but wanking into their socks... WTF?

That's just as daft as assuming all little girls will be hormonal, tearful, evil creatures when they're teenagers!

pigletmania Thu 02-Jan-14 10:48:12

The same would be said if teir were girls in the family. When dd was born, people were 'ooh a boy next', it so happens idid have a ds too later.

Oh do fuck off Dame.

astyinmyeye Thu 02-Jan-14 10:48:32

I agree with one earlier poster saying that the ultimate goal was not to have a girl but one of each sexes. I have 2 girls and I'm very happy with them but If I could have another one, I'd love a little boy !

DamnBamboo Thu 02-Jan-14 10:49:15

Just to clarify. I am delighted at being pregnant and giddy about having another baby no matter what the sex

But that's not what you said. You said you can't get excited it about being boy!

RosesOnTheWane Thu 02-Jan-14 10:49:58

I have twin boys who I adore. When I was pg, I was convinced I was having one of each. I wanted at least 1 boy though.
Was delighted with 2 boys and I couldn't love them more.

Now I am pg again and the comments have begun. I really don't mind whether it is a boy or a girl, but the whole world seems to be rooting for a girl on our behalf!

pigletmania Thu 02-Jan-14 10:49:59

Bunny iam sure you will love it the same, boy or girl.

Only1scoop Thu 02-Jan-14 10:50:26

I felt just like you Bunny ....so I know where you are coming from. Just adore dd 3.5 and thought already have loads of girls things etc....also dp totally wanted another girl. We were really wishing for another girl so much.
We recently had a MMC at 17 weeks and our tiny baby was a boy. I felt so guilty.hmm

I will piglet. Thank you smile.

Morloth Thu 02-Jan-14 10:50:47

I would love a houseful of boys.

We have 2 and are stopping there, but I am quite jealous of a couple of friends I have who have 4 boys.

I would have been happy with girls. But really wanted boys.

My boys are not complex creatures and are easy to parent. Though I dare say anylittle girl in our family would be raised the same.

DamnBamboo Thu 02-Jan-14 10:50:50

Why bunny?

You make silly, sweeping gender based statements like this on a public forum, you can expect a response!

Oh Only you poor thing sad. Sorry for your loss.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 10:52:47

Well I'm a single mother Bunny with an only boy - you couldn't get less clueless about boys than me. But they're just people you know? I'm assuming you got jiggy with a male of the species in order to get pregnant at least?! SO you must have a rudimentary knowledge of them.

That joy to get when your child desperately searches the crowd to find you and lights up when they spot you, when even at 8 yrs old and you're walking along and they surreptitiously slide their hand into yours (called by a wise MN'er "the hand that makes me happy") are the joys of parenthood - I don't much concern myself with the fact that the hand is male or that the eyes are male.

DS was as about out of the ordinary as its possible to be so a boring name to add to his exotic ones were just the ticket, and not all boys clothes are boring - you just have to search harder (unfortunately)

tilliebob Thu 02-Jan-14 10:53:07

I got pissed off when I was starting my family, as the most common comment I heard at the time was "but you can dress girls up so nicely" WTAF, buy a doll FFS!!

When I was expecting my 3rd child, I got the comment "Why? You already have one of each!" more than once. One of the few times in my life I was speechless!

Incidentally, I didn't find out the sex of my babies before birth either. From the looks and comments I received, you'd have thought we'd beamed down from another planet...

Only1scoop Thu 02-Jan-14 10:54:14

Thanks Bunny x

Inkspellme Thu 02-Jan-14 10:55:28

you get comments whatever your family make up is. I even got the remark "you people , with your boy and a girl". As if I was part of a different parenting club or something.

As a mom of a girl and a boy I get completely fed up of seeing the remarks of people who have only boys say how much better they are. so loving. so great. such fab characters.
they are indeed. my son is great and I love him with all my heart. but you know, I feel the same about my daughter. She's not the awful hard work stroppy madam that girls are made out to be in these posts.

There always seems to be more of moms saying such stuff about their boy only families than there is from moms with only daughters. Maybe its a reaction from feeling pressure to defend their family make up. I don't know but I do realise that its hard for me to appreciate how it feels to be at the receiving end of that particular kind of pressure having had one of each by sheer chance.

When my ds was born I grew heartily suck of the "well done, one of each!" type of comments. Like I had suceeded in some kind of test. So maybe we all receive some kind of unintentionally hurtful comments.

Thanks Kew flowers.

I'm an intelligent rational person. I know I'll be absolutely besotted with my baby no matter what their genitals!

I'll get to use my Grandad's kickass name if baby is a boy smile.

It's a totally irrational fear that I won't know what I'm doing, that DD won't be as close to a brother as she would a sister. That a boy won't love me as much as DD does. That I'll end up being one of those MILs from hell talked about on here grin.

Talking about it is helping me see how silly it is.

Thank you for not being a judgmental arse.

jacks365 Thu 02-Jan-14 10:57:08

I was asked if I was disappointed following the birth of dd2 to not have a son, again following the birth of dd3 and again following dd4 so yes it does work both ways. I've been told so much how hard girls are as teens and boys are much easier can't say I've noticed major dramas with them. Dd3 I wanted a girl because having the same gender was going to be easier ie I had plenty of clothing to hand down and dd4 I was happy either way. I wanted a boy but knew what I was doing with a girl so really didn't care.

If you have more than one of a single gender you will always get negative comments.

Morloth Thu 02-Jan-14 10:59:22

It is certainly cheaper having all the same.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 11:01:54

Cannot be a judgemental arse because I was that woman who said to her social worker "I'd prefer a girl"!

Anyone who thinks that they can predict what a child and their relationships will be like based on what sex they are are perhaps due for a rude awakening!

I have counselled various prospective adopters who have been devastated to find they have been offered a boy when they wanted a girl and have said "the difference between the imaginary child in your head and any real child waiting for you is about a million times bigger than the difference between any real boy or real girl".

TwoThreeFourSix Thu 02-Jan-14 11:02:50

I'm expecting my second baby, DS2. So I'm also beginning to get the random comments.

So far I've been told
- Although one of each is what "everyone wants" it's actually easier to raise siblings of the same sex
- 2 boys, wow that'll be exhausting
- Your furniture will suffer hmm
- Boys never sit still

We've just spent 3 days with friends, totalling 4 boys (aged 2 - 6) and 1 6 year old girl.

I'm not around children much (apart from my own obviously) so it was fascinating watching them and their interactions and seeing how different they all were. Yes the boys were more boisterous (except for one) but they all have such different characters, it was lovely.

I will admit to being a bit disappointed that DS2 was not a DD, but only because I grew up in a 2 sibling household (like we're planning) with an older brother and it was fantastic, so subconsciously I wanted to reproduce that. The rational part of my brain knows thats just stupid, as my children will not be like me and my DB, regardless of sex! They'll be their own little characters.

At the end of the day, I'm just happy we're having a second child.

CeQueLEnfer Thu 02-Jan-14 11:08:06

OP, I think you are right and it annoys me also.

Athough a friend of mine did gender selection for a girl, but then she already had 7 boys. In that instance, I can totally understand it.

jollygoose Thu 02-Jan-14 11:14:30

as a gm I really wanted girls and now we have 2 boys I wonder why I could ever have thought this. Our 2 boys are the dearest most lovable little boys and we couldnt love them any more than we do - and would we swop them for girls never in a million years!

pigletmania Thu 02-Jan-14 11:15:50

I secretly wanted another girl, and was a but disappointed at te 20 week scan, but assoon as ds was placed in my arms, it was love at first sight. Heis 2 now and a gorgeous little boy, when h outs his rms round me for a hg, I melt smile

monicalewinski Thu 02-Jan-14 11:15:56

I just wanted 2 the same, no gender preference. I have 2 boys, and now have visions of being a bit of a Peggy Mitchell type with "my boys" when they're grown up.

I'm not having any more now, but felt a twinge of envy at dustarr's 5 boys. I'd loved to have had 5 boys!

pigletmania Thu 02-Jan-14 11:16:29

When he puts hs arms around me

Madeyemoodysmum Thu 02-Jan-14 11:20:59

If it helps my dh is a sib to a girl but it's him who pops in more, him who has provided the grand children and us that go on holiday sometimes with them, His sister has not had kids and is with a man who shows no interest in seeing his in laws so we do it all.

Not all men abandon there parents as soon as the get married.

RobinSparkles Thu 02-Jan-14 11:25:26

"So far I've been told
- Although one of each is what "everyone wants" it's actually easier to raise siblings of the same sex
- 2 boys, wow that'll be exhausting
- Your furniture will suffer
- Boys never sit still"

Pfft! I'm forever saying "DD, stop jumping on the sofa! DD sit properly. DD, stop swinging on the chair. DD, if you can't sit properly you'll have to sit on the floor!"

In 6 years we're on our third sofa!

janey68 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:28:54

I suppose the bottom line is: you shouldn't be upset about the fact that some people have a gender preference (which is what your OP actually says )
If other people are actually rude enough to suggest that you should prefer a particular gender then that's different.

The point I was making is that some of us do have a genuine desire for a certain gender. It may not be rational or logical but it's still a valid feeling. I really wanted a girl first time round. Second time I didn't have a strong urge either way, but I still have this feeling that I'd have been missing out to not experience a girl at all, whereas I always felt that I wouldn't be missing out if I hadn't experienced boys. Now, as it turns out I had a dd followed by ds. But I suspect that in reality I would have been very happy with any combination. I would never assume though that anyone else wanted a particular gender, though I do think a lot of people make silly throwaway comments just to make conversation.

But don't agonise over the fact that some people do have strong feelings about gender. I surprised myself by it, I still don't know why I felt like it but it was a genuine feeling; just as valid as my DH who really didn't have a strong feeling either way

Mim78 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:35:48

I agree with the majority - looking just at the British culture I don't think it's even genuine that most people want girls. Some people (Mums) do want a girl to dress up, but I can't think anyone seriously thinks it is a big deal. Some people might think they are better behaved but I've also heard alot about boys being easier.

I think there is a current idea that everyone should want "one of each" so if you have two of the same people will ask you if you're disappointed, but it is evidently very silly and not work taking any notice of.

Also agree that we should not forget that there are cultures within the UK and abroad where only a boy is wanted. The reason why some hospitals in the UK (or England certainly) won't tell you the sex is that there are people who will terminate a pregnancy if it is a girl not if it is a boy. This is much more of a serious issue than people being silly enough to say "oh did you want a little girl - the clothes are nicer, she'll be better behaved (patently not true) etc".

ShadowFall Thu 02-Jan-14 11:42:01

It's wrong to assume that everyone has a preference for girls, based on some people you know.

Plenty of people I know have expressed a preference for boys. When I was expecting DS2 - I didn't know his gender until he was born - I had a number of colleagues tell me that I should be hoping for another DS, as girls are little bitches hmm But then, I also had a lot of people telling me that I "must" want a DD, as I already had a DS.

As far as the "Oh, you've got 2 DS's, are you going to try again for a girl" comments, I've heard the exact same thing directed at friends who've just had a second DD, only with them being asked if they're disappointed at having 2 DDs instead of a DD and a DS.
I think a lot of people assume that the perfect family has one son and one daughter, and if you have 2 DSs or 2 DDs, then you must automatically be disappointed hmm

Mim78 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:42:23

Oooh - I met a family at the park - the dad was at the park with 8 daughters. He said the Mum was at home with baby who was a boy. Did wonder if they had kept going because they wanted a boy so much. They could just not believe in birth control though as didn't ask them...

This Dad seemed really sweet and involved though so didn't strike me as a horrible thing.

Mim78 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:44:40

Also - this "the difference between the imaginary child in your head and any real child waiting for you is about a million times bigger than the difference between any real boy or real girl"

I agree that all the same is much cheaper - however now I am expecting a boy I am really glad I put dd in boys/neutral clothes as a baby! (had a lot of second hand stuff, and the stuff i bought was neutral).

Tallulaxx Thu 02-Jan-14 11:47:59

I have 2 dds and never have I had anybody ask if I want a ds. I know hubby would being surrounded by girls he is not looking foward to the teenage years.

BodaciousTatas Thu 02-Jan-14 11:55:21

I have one dd, there will be no more (infertile) I have been asked numerous times "I bet you are glad you had a girl" by my sis in law.

I am just glad I had one before all my problems started and will be forever grateful. As for girls sleeping better grin no chance, I did not get a full nights sleep until she was about 8.

I have found its more that everyone expects you to be aiming for the holy grail of 'one of each'! When I announced my third pregnancy the most common response was 'why? you already have one of each!' ffs hmm
Then again when I announce pregnancy 4 everyone assumed I wanted a girl to level the sexes up again... How pleased they all must be that I conformed - as though it was a bloody choice grin

Bodypopper Thu 02-Jan-14 12:03:32

With 2 of each I can tell you that boys and girls are just as loving/hormonal/sensible/daft as each other.

stopgap Thu 02-Jan-14 12:12:18

I don't get it, either. Besides I am much closer to my dad than my mum, whereas my husband, brother and dad are way closer to their mums.

Re: gender preferences, I was equally taken aback by the elderly Korean couple who run a local store, who told me, "A second boy! Your life is surely filled with wonderful riches." It was a lovely sentiment, obviously, but I wondered if they'd have said the same thing if I told them I was pregnant with a second girl.

Lilka Thu 02-Jan-14 12:29:38

I have 2 girls, 1 boy, and 2 grandaughters

My son loves cuddling his neices but he feels a bit lost in a sea of girls, so he really wants the next grandchild to be a boy, and I have to admit, I'd like it if my third GC was a boy. Of course I'd be happy beyond measure with a girl, but still, the slight preferance is there.

I'll say straight out that when I was approved to adopt, it was for a girl only (1995). The second time, also specifically for a girl (2003). Neither time was it because I thought girls were cuter and I would get to go shopping with a pink princess (I don't even like pink clothes and pink toys) and nor have I ever thought that girls are closer to their mum's than boys etc.

DS was my unexpected boy and I love his personality and everything about him to bits. And I love having a boy as well as girls. I like having at least one of each and getting to experience both genders

HaroldTheGoat Thu 02-Jan-14 12:48:14

MIL spent the whole of Christmas throwing out gender stereotypes at me.

Of course your closer to daughters (she has 3 boys)
Girls ring their mums and boys don't
You can't meet a son for a coffee like you would a girl

On and on,

Thing is DP would totally ring and meet her more but it's her that's very standoffish.

I have 2 DS

I do wonder what our relationship will be like as adults but there were no boys in my family and I have nothing to compare, apart from my MIL.

A random in the drs surgery said to me - make the most of him now he won't ring you when he grows up.

It's all very annoying.

Audilover Thu 02-Jan-14 12:48:48

I have 3 girls followed by 2 boys. They can equally be loving and annoying.
All 5 are completely different and yet so similar.
We never had any comments about their gender but we did and still do have comments about having so many.

MiaowTheCat Thu 02-Jan-14 13:08:18

I have two girls. I think initially I actually possibly had a preference for a boy to be honest - but it was because of the fact mother-daughter relationships in my family have always been on the fucked up side of the spectrum and I was frightened of repeating the cycle for another generation and not out of any wish for blue or pink wallpaper or whatever if that makes sense?

Had a load of comments about how I must be disappointed that I had a second girl and trying for a boy - in reality with DD2 for practicality's sake we had wanted two of the same sex so we had less time pressure regarding them having to share a room and could re-use baby clothes! Only reason there - if we were better off and had a 3 bed house I would have had zero preference at all second time around.

DD1 shows no signs of fitting the stereotype for placid little girls pushing dolls around in pushchairs though - she's a climbing, feisty little tornado who loves building blocks, cars and a toy kitchen in equal amounts - so not denied access to toys on either side of the stereotypical gender divide but not steered either way.

LouiseSmith Thu 02-Jan-14 14:32:21

I cried during my scan because they told us we had a boy on the way. I wanted a girl. But when he was born I was smitten. and now I wouldn't change him at all. I would like a girl, but if I had a boy it wouldn't be a factor. So long as there healthy and happy. x

squoosh Thu 02-Jan-14 14:55:44

Only on MN have I ever encountered this mythical Western preference for girls.

Cadsuane Thu 02-Jan-14 15:00:57

After one DD my DH was happy our second child was another DD.
Not because he had a particular prefferance for girls but that he knew his family would have made a big deal of a boy, someone to take to football, carry on the family name etc. They would have tried to made a fuss of him while continuing to vrirtualy ignore DD1. Now they both treated the same way. A card dropped through the door at birthdays and Christmas and maybe see us once a year despite living 2.5 miles away.

needweetabix Thu 02-Jan-14 15:01:17

How about the other adage about men secretly wanting boys? I was delighted when I had a little guy as me/DH knew we were only ever going to have one and I didn't want him to be disappointed! Ridiculous really, I'm sure I would've loved a girl just as much. But this way I feel no pressure to go through it again and we're all v happy. Two other friends (also with ownlies, and boys) feel exactly the same.

curlew Thu 02-Jan-14 15:06:10

"Only on MN have I ever encountered this mythical Western preference for girls."

Me too. It goes with the "feminism has gone too far- men are the oppressed gender now" meme.

Bodypopper Thu 02-Jan-14 15:14:24

Agree never met a preference of gender in RL though fir sure people talk a load of stereotyping bollocks.

I am just as close to all of mine, my 2 grown up lads text me every day to day hi as they know I worry and the teen girls are great at communicating too.

The ones who say boys are more loving obviously love their boys more. How sad.

BuntyPenfold Thu 02-Jan-14 15:20:31

I work in Early Years and there is a very strong and openly expressed preference for girls, both among parents and staff.

I hear it all the time. So the OP is not imagining it.

Thus is a predominantly white area with very little cultural mix. I wonder how much difference that makes.

GinSoakedMisery Thu 02-Jan-14 15:27:34

I have three boys and I'm constantly getting asked if I'm going to try for a boy. Do I not look content with what I've got? I think three children is more than enough, regardless of their sex.

One school run mum told me my life wouldn't be complete unless I had a girl. She has 4 girls.

I have a colleague who had a girl after three boys and I feel sorry for her daughter, colleague has such high expectations of her. She never shuts up about how marvelous little Betty is, how amazing she is, how everyone who meets her adores her blah blah blah. Never a word said about her sons though. She never shows pictures of them, always of Betty in her new clothes from different angles, all her summer holiday photos were of Betty with the odd obligatory one of one of her boys next to Betty.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 15:33:40

Only on MN have I ever encountered this mythical Western preference for girls.

I have encountered it a lot. Because I move in circles where people are able to express a preference and have that taken into account when being matched with a child and so will say what they want.

Mostly people have no choice and therefore keep their mouth shut because they don't actually have a choice and they look pretty silly when they have a child of the opposite sex to the one they've told everyone they want.

People say what they think online because they are anonymous.

The fact that there is a gender preference for girls in the west at the moment doesn't mean:

1 - that every person wants a girl
2 - that feminism has gone too far
3 - that men are the oppressed gender

It doesn't even mean anything positive for girls/women.

When I adopted DS there were 6 boys and 2 girls (both with moderate health issues) being adopted at the same time in the same place. There were originally equal (roughly) numbers of boys and girls available and those were the only girls left available for adoption in the 0-2 age group and when they left there were no girls waiting to be adopted. There were several healthy boys under two but as they were boys and many were Asian they are the most difficult to place.

These were all western families adopting. It is of course possible that other factors are in play when its adoption - there's a theory that men find it easier to accept a non-genetically related girl than boy for example. But I have seen with my own eyes time and time again that people will wait longer for a less healthy girl when there are healthy boys ready to be placed.

But you can't argue with the statistics that even in countries where more boys than girls are available for adoption (eg Russia) there is still more demand for girls despite longer waiting times. (Caveat most of the statistics are American but from experience the UK isn't much different)

I apply no value judgement to this, it is as it is. But if you don't think there is a trend in the West to prefer girl children over boys then I think you've never been in a room full of people who are able to choose and seen for yourself how many (at least initially) want a girl.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Jan-14 15:34:31

sorry that was a bit long.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 15:35:08

"The ones who say boys are more loving obviously love their boys more. How sad"

I'm not sure about that Bodypopper - though I didn't exactly say that anyway, I just said my DS was conforming to the stereotype in being my especially cuddly one (compared to DD)
But really I think they're just slightly different characters, as well as DS being my youngest

GoshAnneGorilla Thu 02-Jan-14 15:50:29

I'm currently pregnant with DD2, who was a glorious surprise conceived while waiting to start IVF.

So I felt a little stunned by all the questions as to "what do you want to have?", as I was absolutely over the moon at being able to get pregnant, gender preferences didn't even figure.

And then when I did find out I was having Dd2, people still asked me if that was what I wanted, as if I'd say no.

Dh is from a culture where boys are still the more prized, unfortunately.

When I was pregnant with Dd1, a monstrosity of an auntie had the cheek to say "Maybe the scan is wrong". I have since warned Dh that if I hear any other comments like that, I will not hesitate to respond very bluntly.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 16:03:43

Ooh, congratulations Gosh thanks

dustarr73 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:55:24

monicalewinski when do you want them haha.I can drop them round to you.

ChrisTheSheep Thu 02-Jan-14 17:48:17

I don't know if this is anyone else's experience, but I was horribly upset when I found out DC2 was a boy: I had had bad PND with DS1, and took about 18 months to feel even remotely bonded to him. I suppose that I had had a subconscious thought that if I had a girl it would be different, and maybe not so bad, whereas another boy would just mean more of the same unremitting awfulness. I cried for days after the scan: it honestly wasn't anything to do with pink or glitter or spas or anything stupid like that. It's more that it felt like one more thing going wrong, and one more inevitable nail in the coffin of more PND.

nosleeptillbedtime Thu 02-Jan-14 17:53:02

Haven't read the responses but I agree with you. My ds is not a second rate booby prize. All the, 'gosh I am so devastated I am having a boy' posts do kinda piss me off.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 18:06:23

I'm sorry about your difficult experiences Chris - I had some PND when both of mine were babies too, though I also loved moments of their first years as well.

ChrisTheSheep Thu 02-Jan-14 18:06:51

I'm sorry if my response sounds shallow: it's honestly not meant that way. It's just that my only frame of reference at the moment is "Have a boy; get horribly ill for a long time". Obviously I could have had the PND if DS1 had been a girl, and obviously it could all be different this time, but I guess it's hard to see that from the point of view of not actually having had the child yet.

insummeritreinsdeer Thu 02-Jan-14 18:07:26

I always assumed I would have daughters, I'm a girlie girl, into all the stereotypical crap fashion, magazines, soppy films etc. someone even wrote in my school leavers book that I would have 2 girls who I would take to ballet class confused

DS1 is the best thing that has happened to me. He is a gloriously lovely little boy and I couldn't love him more.
Am now pg with DC2 and the comments from everyone have been unbelievable. We don't know the sex but I get a lot of 'oh THiS one is a girl, I just know it'. When I say it could be a boy I get 'oh well never mind, it will be lovely whatever' etc. Such sympathy from people, it annoys me so much.

I would love another boy and a brother for DS. Convincing others is another matter. hmm

ChrisTheSheep Thu 02-Jan-14 18:08:01

Thanks, Juggling: I do have a friend who had bad PND with her first boy, but had an absolutely lovely time with her DS2. I'm hoping my experience with DS2 might be more like that! smile

legoplayingmumsunite Thu 02-Jan-14 18:13:40

I've got 2 girls and a boy. When DS was born everyone said 'you've got your boy now'. I didn't think it was about one sex being preferred to the other, I don't think in this country there really is a general preference one way or the other, but in my experience more than anything else people assumes you want a 'balanced' family; a friend was pregnant with her 4th, she already had a girl and 2 boys and everyone assumed she'd want another girl.

nomorecrumbs Thu 02-Jan-14 18:26:26

I know what you mean, OP.

I actively think I could enjoy playtime with a DS more than a DD but of course if I had a DD I would not be disappointed.

I'm the only person I know in RL who holds this view. Everyone else I've spoken to about gender preferences said they had at least a slight hankering for a daughter rather than a son at some point before they have birth.

GimmeDaBoobehz Thu 02-Jan-14 18:32:44

I've never noticed that.

In fact in our family a boy would probably be seen as more exciting, as there is quite a few girls on both sides of our families (Fiance and I and also on both sides of my family).

But it might be different in different circles.

I always wanted to have whatever I was given. It would be nice to have a boy and a girl to see how different it is and to just have the experience of having both but I honestly wouldn't mind if I had 2 boys, 2 girls or one of each. I have a daughter at the moment and we will have another and perhaps a third, but probably just two. Whatever nature brings us we will be absolutely delighted with.

It's just harder to choose boys names, that's my experience. smile

GimmeDaBoobehz Thu 02-Jan-14 18:39:07

But I will definitely be happy with whatever I am given next time, just like I was with my daughter. Twins, girl, boy, blind, deaf I would've loved that child to hell and back.

Trust me I definitely do. There is nothing that little girl wants for smile

UncleGuber Thu 02-Jan-14 18:40:10

Ok I have nc for this, I actually nearly started my own thread.

The only gender disappointment that has openly expressed to me regarding my boys is by my MIL. Which is upsetting in itself because usually I like to think we get pretty well and she isnt a MIL from hell like some I've read about on here.

MIL has openly been wanting a granddaughter for years. Both sil and I were pregnant first time round close together and both had boys, but that was ok because next time we could have a girl hmm

Second time round we purposefully asked the gender partly because atleast MIL wouldn't have 9 months of hoping pointlessly if it was another boy. Scan showed definate boy bits and when we told her gently her disappointment was palpable.

Cut to this Christmas and she has mentioned it numerous times to the point of other people noticing - apparently we can try for a girl next time.

I wouldn't mind but

a, we aren't planning a third dc
B, we don't have room or finances for a third dc
C, we are quite happy with what nature has given us
D, neither dh or I are getting any younger

Oh and I am actually still pregnant with ds2 - he's not due for a few more weeks.

kerala Thu 02-Jan-14 19:14:33

The stereotypes are annoying. Mil trots out the cliches about sons not being close to parents but daughters are. For her a convenient excuse for the rubbish relationship she has with both her sons due entirely to her difficult personality. My sisters and many friends get on brilliantly with their mils in fact both my sisters would take their dc to ils when their dhs working or away.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 19:50:19

How rude UncleGuber fshock

- To say next time you can try for a girl when you've not even had your dear ds yet. Outrageous! I do hope she didn't upset you

Best of luck with everything - I'm sure DS1 will be delighted to have a brother (for one thing)

CountBapula Thu 02-Jan-14 19:57:56

ChristheSheep I had exactly the same reaction after my scan with DS2, for exactly the same reason. DH very cleverly figured out what was upsetting me - even before I did. Once I realised it was the PND talking I got over it fairly quickly.

I'm 30 weeks now and can't wait to meet him. I've already named him in my head (DH will just have to agree with my choice wink) and can't even imagine expecting a girl.

Hope everything works out for you and your DS2 thanks

UncleGuber Thu 02-Jan-14 20:16:50

juggling thanks.

I have kind of let it wash over me up to now but the old hormones are getting to me and I'm starting to get a bit annoyed. Anymore ande dh will need to talk to her.

It's like I'm some kind of breeding animal and as most reasonable people know you can't guarantee the sex anyway! If anything the pressure would put me off a third dc - no child imo should be born with such high expectations

Bodypopper Thu 02-Jan-14 20:23:45

juggling sorry wasnt referring or criticising you just the general stereotype that boys are more loving.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 20:27:20

That's OK, I realise several people made reference of some kind to that old stereotype

Bodypopper Thu 02-Jan-14 20:27:26

uncleGuber how awfully sad that your mil is like this. Ignore her if you can. She's lucky she has healthy grandchildren.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 20:29:34

My ds has always been fabulously cuddly though and a real sweetie fsmile

ChrisTheSheep Thu 02-Jan-14 20:30:42

Thanks, CountBapula! We must be having synchronised babies grin: I'm 29 weeks but am having an ELCS at 39 due to previous EMCS and gestational diabetes which means he'll have to come out before time... Good luck to you too: I really hope the PND gives you a break this time thanks

Bodypopper Thu 02-Jan-14 20:34:05

Ah my dss are cuddly too, hairy 6ft 2' though. grin

Good luck to all bumps of either sex.

roweeena Thu 02-Jan-14 20:41:17

Thanks everyone, I think I was having a über sensitive early morning meltdown. The hormones are raging and I. (Probably very unreasonably) seem to be taking people with strong gender preferences for girls as a slight on my two lovely boys!

I know very unreasonable!

I think I'm just surround by tactless and annoying 'girls are best' or 'need one of each' type people.

Anyway I'm over it now (until my next bout of insomnia)

Ps - some MILs do sound bloody awful
Pps - boys are lots of fun, you just need some imagination to avoid boring names(I always struggled with girls names luckily) & the clothes are better because boys clothes come in a multitude of colours not just variations on pink!

CeliaLytton Thu 02-Jan-14 20:47:34

I think you have hit the nail on the head, you are feeling protective of ds2 and his perfectness!

I didn't know what I was having either time, but when I was pregnant with dc2 and people kept asking if I wanted a girl this time, I felt really sad for the boy I might have that people would feel was a disappointment. They were just making conversation but it made me really really want a boy so I could prove to people that I would love him just as much as any girl! <irrational>

junkfoodaddict Thu 02-Jan-14 20:48:15

When I was pregnant 2 years ago, I ddin't know the gender of my baby. At first i wanted to know at my 20 week scan whereas DH didn't. When we had our 20 week scan, I suddenly changed my mind. I really didn't mind if it was a boy or a girl - it was just beautiful and mind blowing to see my little one wriggle not playing ball, being awkward etc, etc .

20 weeks later, my little boy was born. We had a traumatic time and I felt blessed and lucky that BOTH of us were alive.

When it came to shoping for clothes, my blood boiled. I was fed up going into stores and seeing TWICE as many clothes for girls as there was for boys. Not a lot of imagination went into the boys clothing. It was making me think that society favoured girls over boys!

Having said that my DS loves Sofia the First, loves make-up and hairstyling, domestic chores and has a pink buggy with a 'boy baby' in it! (All stereotypical girl things!)

Now that we're about to TTC child number 2, everyone is asking me what I preferhmm In private, I am/was 60/40 in favour of a boy - practicality reasons due to having the clothing and 'planning' on having him/her around my DS's 3rd birthday, a playmate for DS and because I have really enjoyed my little boy his girfriends are little strop monsters.

The other night I had a dream that I did have a little boy the day after my DS turned 3 but he didn't look like any of us! He had a mass of black hair and olive skin (we are very pale and fair haired). I was disappointed he was a boy and 'rejected' him. Now I'm left wondering if it is my subconcious telling me that actually I'd rather have a girl!confused

Either way, whether I have a boy or a girl, the child will be loved and cherished as much as the first.

But I do get a bee in my bonnet about store chains 'favouring' girl clothing over boys!

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 20:51:35

Soooo much pink as well - but that's another thread that's probably already been given a whirl!

pinkandlilacspring I feel exactly the same as you, but about boys.

I always dreamed of having a little boy and would have been heartbroken if I never had one. I was over the moon when I had my scan and found out I was having DS. When I called my mum to tell her she cried with happiness because she knew how much I wanted a boy.

Next time round I would love another boy just like DS. If it's a girl, that would be cool but if I never had a daughter it wouldn't bother me. Lots of people assume I want a girl next though and are really surprised when I say otherwise.

Rubybrazilianwax Thu 02-Jan-14 21:47:01

Move to Ireland. Lots of elderly women always stop to tell me how lucky I am to have 4 healthy sons, dd is irelevant. Point is, its all about people projecting their own feelings. Ignore and focus on your own

Ev1lEdna Thu 02-Jan-14 22:12:15

I do know what you mean OP. Having 2 boys myself I have had people ask me if I will try for a girl (no I won't). On the other hand my friends has 3 girls and gets asked if she'd try for a boy (she won't be either.)

I do think some women think having a girl is more fun (granted the clothes are nicer) but I'm happy to have my 2 boys and if I did get pregnant I'd be happy with a third boy - I'd be happy with a girl too but a third baby isn't happening for a number of reasons so I'll just be happy with the 2 healthy kids I have.

Other cultures favour boys over girls, I think it just depends. I also think you are probably a bit sensitive to it just now with a young baby. No matter, your two boys will be happy little alternating enemies and friends. Just enjoy them OP grin

SugarHut Thu 02-Jan-14 22:40:50

No OP, you're not imagining it. I had the most horrific time when I found out my DS was a DS. 5 years on I am just about turning a corner with it.

I think you perceive you only hear about it on MN, because of how badly judged and scorned you would be if you ever said anything in RL that honestly gave some idea of how much one particular gender means to you. Lots of things are said on MN because people can be brutally honest and open, which they can't in RL.

Gender disappointment is horrific, well as severe as mine is/was. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

It's very real. I posted my first thread ever on here as a bit of a cry for help, and you would not believe the amount of women who messaged me (privately, as there were some real bastards on that thread calling me basically evil and sick and they felt to scared to get the same hostility) saying they felt exactly the same and how awful they felt. We all, without exception wanted girls.

HaroldTheGoat Thu 02-Jan-14 22:46:11

Kerala - have we got the same MIL? I'm sure it's an excuse half the time for not bothering to call. She complains boys are rubbish on the phone but you call her and she barely lasts 2 mins and shouting BYEEE down at me.

I think you real what you sow with your children to a certain extent, if you don't bother calling them they are not going to bother to call you etc.

Sugar, I read your thread but didn't post. Hope things are a little easier for you now.

peking Thu 02-Jan-14 22:49:30

Aaah! MIL's shouting BYEEEE!! when you're not even done with the conversation yet! What's with that?

MIL always wanted a daughter (she's made no secret of the fact in front of her 3 DS's...) so now she's on at them for girl grandchildren.

Sigh.

She doesn't seem to like me very much as I'm possibly the least girly woman she's ever encountered!

pinkandlilacspring Thu 02-Jan-14 22:53:24

The problem is people always think it is about being 'girly' - it isn't.

I once admitted I was 'nervous' about having a boy ('devastated' would have been more accurate, had DD been a boy) and people said that oh, it was okay, I could paint his nails.

I don't want a child to dress up and paint their nails hmm for me, it went much, much deeper than that. I wish I could explain it.

HaroldTheGoat Thu 02-Jan-14 22:56:33

My Mil has three sons. She wanted a daughter. She has one granddaughter who lives overseas but is a tomboy so won't wear a dress.

She was buying girl clothes though all our pregnancies and we all had boys.

Mmmmmmm. It's the same one!

peking Thu 02-Jan-14 22:57:30

Could you describe it, pinkandlilacspring? I can't really describe my previous hankering for a boy beyond thinking in a really sexist manner, I know that he'd be more likely to want to play football and do my kind of activities than a girl would. But that's ridiculous now I have DC...it's fascinating to see how they're turning out, regardless of gender.

peking Thu 02-Jan-14 22:58:49

My MIL has "adopted" her neighbour's daughter and absolutely sobbed when she went on holiday abroad with her parents for the summer holiday, so she couldn't babysit for a while.

Is it the same one? grin

HaroldTheGoat Thu 02-Jan-14 23:00:19

I can't put my finger on it either. I did want a girl. Nothing to do with spa days and shopping and pink or any of that - why would a girl automatically want to do that anyway?

I was a filthy little tomboy myself always making mud pies.

i haven't really come across a general preference. a lot of assuming people are disappointed and will keep trying if they have more than 1 boy/girl. if i ever intended to have another, it genuinely would not matter. i have both and feel blessed for it, but i would anyway, boys OR girls. they're goblins, as it happens, which makes it easier.

HaroldTheGoat Thu 02-Jan-14 23:02:17

No my MIL would babysit for no one.

She barked at me on my last visit DIRTY NAPPY MUMMY, WE DONT DO DIRTY NAPPIES.

It would have irritated me beyond belief if I had had the holy grail granddaughter and she was suddenly all interested though do maybe it all panned out for the best!

We should introduce them. grin

peking Thu 02-Jan-14 23:03:01

After the 1st boy, my cousin really REALLY wanted a girl. They ended up having 2 more boys before they "finally" got their DD.

They explained it as wanting a complete family, with both genders, but I secretly felt a little sorry for the middle two boys while there was so much fuss over the girl.

notthefirstagainstthewall Thu 02-Jan-14 23:03:05

I was terrified about having a girl.

Boys are easier to raise as children.Puberty is easier to discuss pre teen. Clothes easier, hair removal easier (you can keep it without a whole discussion on gender issues), appearance easier (a fat boy needs more sport, a fat girl has let her self down). The list goes on.

God forbid a "non conventional " looking girl vs a boy. And with my genes the poor child doesn't have a hope.

peking Thu 02-Jan-14 23:04:31

Maybe she thinks girls are "cleaner" if she doesn't like dirty nappies? grin

My MIL certainly is under the impression that they are... so glad she never comes round to see my slovenly housekeeping

pinkandlilacspring Thu 02-Jan-14 23:05:58

I really would struggle to describe it, I think it was more particular to having a preschool/primary aged DS. Adolescence and beyond I think I'd be fine with but I felt like I NEEDED a baby girl.

I wish I could make more sense sad

you're right notthefirst. men who are not stereotypically good-looking don't seem to be scrutinised (don't know if that's the right word in this context, rather tired) as much as women who aren't, as far as celebrities go anyway.

HaroldTheGoat Thu 02-Jan-14 23:06:20

She could have a granddaughter like me, I was worse than any boy I knew. I had a pot of pet maggots at one point. I would have broken her heart!

When I was pg with DS2 she was gutted but tried to me nice by saying oh well, at least when your out it's DP that will have to take them to the toilet.

i think there are more 'men who i weirdly find attractive' conversations between women than the same type of discussion between men.

irrelevant, though.

Ledkr Thu 02-Jan-14 23:09:58

I had three boys and really wanted a daughter eventually.
People were horrible to me about my boys too and I felt very defensive for them.
After a 12 yr age gap I wanted another BABY but obviously hoped for a girl.
I did have one and was delighted.
However she is now 11, and a cheeky, sarcastic bundle of self-centredness.
I prefer my lads grin
What I'm trying to say is that it's not always the fantasy that people imagine having the other sex child, it's still hard work and pretty thankless at times.
I know people with all girls who get equal amounts of silly comments about not having sons.
People are stupid.

Eachpeachpearwherestheplum Thu 02-Jan-14 23:20:19

I was out today with my beautiful boys in matching coats and got so many smiles and ahhhhs. They are amazing and great fun. I have to agree though that the first few years have been full of negative boy comments and all from people with girls only. I find it so sad for boys, it's so rude, silly and hurtful. Boys have a tough time in society today.

HaroldTheGoat Thu 02-Jan-14 23:23:06

I discovered matching pajamas at Christmas, that was very satisfying.

i honestly haven't seen this. haven't had negative comments about having sons either. in fact, is there even much difference when they're tiny? the main one is getting piss in your face when doing a nappy change thanks to penises.

blueshoes Thu 02-Jan-14 23:43:12

In the UK, it appears girls are the preferred sex from birth until they start work then it is boys all the way. OP's sons will have the last laugh.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 23:47:06

That's true blueshoes - the world of work still seems much tougher on girls/women - such a shock after the equality/favouritism of school and college

SuedeEffectPochette Thu 02-Jan-14 23:48:30

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head.

peking Fri 03-Jan-14 00:01:05

Sexism was rife in sales even just 10 years ago...not sure what it's like now, but then women in our company were judged by the way they looked, not on their sales patter. Men got away with so much more just because they had "balls". Even those who hadn't!

MyBaby1day Fri 03-Jan-14 15:05:53

It does definitely seem that way but not me, my dream is to have one boy!! smile

woollybobs Fri 03-Jan-14 16:45:56

Well I always wanted boys. I have 2ds and people always ask am I going to try for a little girl!!! My answer is always if I could guarantee another boy I would have a third but as I can't I will stick with my 2 lovely boys

JugglingIntoANewYear Sat 04-Jan-14 08:10:32

Aww, but my girl is lovely too - though I can quite see why you might be a bit defensive of your lovely boys woolly given the annoying line of questioning.

The best thing about having one of each is you can see they are both equally great, and equally challenging - and each is so much their own person and so much more than any gendered stereotype.

Silentelf Sat 04-Jan-14 08:30:37

This thread really surprises me! I have two boys and feel like I am the super lucky and massively proud one! I thought people were probably envious of me. When my first was born I never admitted I really wanted a boy, of course what I wanted was a healthy baby if either sex but I was extra delighted when he turned out to be a boy. Then the pressure was off for baby 2- I really didn't have a gender preference and its great having 2 into the same things and wearing the same stuff

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