No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

(371 Posts)
UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:20:39

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

- lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

squeakytoy Tue 31-Dec-13 17:24:01

What does your DP think of it.. I know plenty of men who find weddings boring and would be more than ecstatic to only have to show their face at the piss up part of it..

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:27:42

When's the wedding? Have you chatted to your friend toexplain how you feel?

startwig1982 Tue 31-Dec-13 17:28:09

Tbh it's up to her who she invites. I do understand how it'll be difficult to manage the kids without support, but as far as I'm aware, you can't stop someone from going to a wedding as it's a legal ceremony.
So maybe he could go for the ceremony and evening?

scaevola Tue 31-Dec-13 17:28:24

You don't "get your point across"

Each person who is invited accepts or declines as they wish.

Personally, I think the whole concept of a "B list" of evening only guests is rude in itself, but if someone decided to rank people like this (usually, it is claimed for monetary reasons) I wouldn't comment on their lack of taste/judgement to their face.

6YO DC being excluded may be the reason for DH only being invited to the evening do?

I have never understood weddings child/wedding acceptability.

diddl Tue 31-Dec-13 17:31:28

I think it's difficult tbh.

I assume you live together in which no invitation is odd imo.

Then as people say-don't like it-don't accept.

CatsRule Tue 31-Dec-13 17:31:40

Is it just an oversight or is she obviously aware of what she has done?

I wouldn't go separately, fair enough if it's a mistake but if it's deliberate then I would be annoyed too.

WooWooOwl Tue 31-Dec-13 17:31:45

I wouldn't go, and as you want to be nice about it, would just say that it was down to the logistics of having to sort out children on your own and transport for your family as you have been separated.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Tue 31-Dec-13 17:32:16

it might be the cost of the meal, you could offer to pay your dps meal cost

StrangeGlue Tue 31-Dec-13 17:33:27

ah i can see why you are annoyed. I think you have three options: decline; accept; or, ask her if your DP can come to the whole event.

if you go with 3 you need to be very very polite and not get in a strop about it. i doubt you're friend has done this as a massive slur she's probably just been insensitive by accident. does she know how committed your DP and you are?

I notice you refer to her being single in June and now you're receiving a wedding invite - is that also irritating you?

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:34:02

It seems a bit mean tho if they live together.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:35:44

DP was delighted the DCs (not is) were part of her big day. He doesn't know he only has an evening invite - yet-. He will politely decline the evening only as DP can't go for the piss up bit, he will have to drive to the reception 1.5 hrs to get there. We will have 2 cars there so neither of us can drink. I can't ask him to pay for a hotel so he can sit around all day alone. Its rude.

Wedding is in July

CaptainSweatPants Tue 31-Dec-13 17:36:10

Has she met your dp?

HissymasJumper Tue 31-Dec-13 17:38:25

Speak to her. Face to face and explain why you will need and expect your whole family there, logistically and emotionally.

Leaving any of your family members sounds just plain wrong.

Can I also just say that the reaction of your DC to the thought that DP is left out speaks volumes for the people you all are and the man that he is, you all sound like you all needed each other, and you sound all so happy together.

Adopting too? What truly special people you all are!

squeakytoy Tue 31-Dec-13 17:39:50

Perhaps he would be happy having the daytime hours to chill out and relax at the hotel and then meet up with you all afterwards. I really dont see a major problem with it to be honest. And surely if you have known her for 14 years then you are hardly going to be on your own with a bunch of strangers are you?? And how come your kids know about the lack of day invite for your partner before he knows about it??

CoffeeTea103 Tue 31-Dec-13 17:40:53

Yanbu, I would be very hurt if this was me given the relationship you have with this friend. I would definitely expect your dp to be invited given she knows how much of an impact he has in your lives.
I suggest speaking to her about it, if she is adamant then politely decline the invite.

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:41:01

When we got married we accepted some of our friends and relatives had partners we had not met. We didn't feel it was right not to invite someone's partner, especially if they were married or living together just because we hadn't meet them.

Yes weddings are expensive, and yes it's the couples choice but it is a bit rude to exclude the DP purely on the basis that she's not meet him.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 31-Dec-13 17:42:02

I think if you've agree that the children can be attendants and DD has been fitted for her BM dress it's a bit (a lot) too late to pull out. I'd accept on behalf of yourself and the older children. Let DP choose whether he'd rather go along to the evening do only or stay at home with the youngest child.

Was she being rude not to invite him to the whole thing? Yes, especially if you live together. But it was probably done for costs reasons and she hasn't met him so I think you have to let it go.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:43:22

diddl: After 2yrs together this month, DP & I have planned to start living together in late March. We have taken things very slowly after my exDH killed himself (before I met DP) because of the feelings and needs of my DCs. We have left lots of time for the DCs to get to know DP and be comfortable and excited about the next step towards a permanent commitment.

CatsRule: She is aware of what she's done, she has emailed me prior to invites being extended. She has suggested that as she understands DP and I would like a nice weekend away together that he is invited to the evening. Why would DP and I choose to stay in Uckfield for the weekend unless there was a reason ?? Astoundingly crass and thoughtless email INHO

natwebb79 Tue 31-Dec-13 17:44:41

I've never understood why people make such a big deal about this. She's probably very limited numbers wise for the daytime event. Seriously, why can't your DP just chill out/explore the local area in the day and join you for the evening? It's not rocket science and really not worth pissing your friend off.

greenfolder Tue 31-Dec-13 17:44:48

If she is a close friend then you need to speak to her properly about this. You possibly need to acknowledge that you have not met respective partner s and need to put that right. She clearly doesn't understand the dynamics of your new family.give her a chance to correct that.

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:45:01

Hummm no I don't agree ghoul. Actually you have highlighted the issue that the bride wants some bits of the family to play a role but doesn't want to invite the rest of the family that comes along with it.

JodieGarberJacob Tue 31-Dec-13 17:47:41

Just a thought, has the invite come from her parents who may have just asked her if you have a boyfriend and didn't ask further questions re status etc? It's very odd that you and your dcs have a big part in the wedding but your partner doesn't have a full invite. Even if you only had a casual boyfriend I would still expect him to have a full invite.

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:48:11

Ask her to dinner so she can meet your DP and say her DH-to-be can just come in for pudding!!

See if she gets it!!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 31-Dec-13 17:52:45

Owl - Yes the people in the family that the bride has included (apart from a young child which lots of couples exclude) are the the ones she's close to. She hasn't met OP's DP even though the've been a couple quite a long time. They also don't live together yet so it may seem to the bride that this a more casual relationship than it in fact is.

I think ideally the bride would have extended a full invitation to OP's DP but she probably didn't on cost grounds and I think that isn't something worth kicking up a fuss about.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:54:04

I have known her for 14yrs because I employed her as our day Nanny for the older DCs for 5+ years She is Godmother to them and she holds a very dear place in my heart and life. The close friendship has continued ever since. We went on holiday in June, she was single, this has all happened very fast. I am genuinely delighted for her, she has waited a long time to someone special. I desperately don't want to upset the apple cart but she has been particularly insensitive.

diddl Tue 31-Dec-13 17:55:59

Well if you don't yet live together then that could be it?

Sometimes a line has to be drawn somewhere.

CynicalandSmug Tue 31-Dec-13 17:56:45

Don't ruin a friendship over this, goodness most men (and female me) find weddings a bore. Natwebb has the right idea! Just try and make the best of it.

BrianTheMole Tue 31-Dec-13 17:58:28

I think its rude of her. Presumably its for saving money, but I wouldn't do that to a good friend, even if I hadn't met their dp.

littlewhitechristmasbag Tue 31-Dec-13 18:00:47

Have you actually had a formal invitation yet? If the wedding is in July it is a little early for invites to be out. Invite your friend and her husband-to-be to dinner with you and your DP then see what happens?

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 18:01:55

OwlinaTree that's the first thing that has made me smile all day. thank you

I was thinking of inviting her and her DP at a restaurant halfway between us during January so DP can meet then both, at our expense of course as I am instigating the invitation.

lilyaldrin Tue 31-Dec-13 18:01:56

Well from her POV, if she invites your boyfriend who she has never met, she might not be able to invite a friend or friend's partner that she has met.

Weddings don't happen very often, I think you would be very childish to refuse to go and withdraw your children because your boyfriend doesn't have an all-day invite.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 18:04:59

She's never met your partner and you don't live with him.

She is undoubtedly very limited on numbers and it probably came down to either she invited someone she'd never met (your boyfriend) or one of her actual friends.

Its not personal and you really need to calm down and stop getting your children so involved in it all.

If you don't want to go just decline but accept you will ruin your friendship over this.

Pipbin Tue 31-Dec-13 18:04:59

I know when my cousin got married I was invited to the full do but my boyfriend of the time was only invited to the evening. They decided for reasons of money and numbers that only married couples would come as a pair. We both travelled about 2 hours for this and stayed in a hotel. He just sat in the bar until the evening do.

Could this be the same thing? It does seem odd though that you are close enough for her to have your DD as a bridesmaid but hasn't met your DP. May be she doesn't realise how good your relationship is.

Also, it is lovely that your DCs are so welcoming to your new P that they are upset by this.

hoobypickypicky Tue 31-Dec-13 18:05:13

The people who know the bride and who are close to her are invited for the serious part of the day. Your older children are to take a big part in that. Your adult partner, who has never even met the couple, is invited for the jolly bit in the evening. What's wrong with that? Is he not able to entertain himself in the local area for a few hours? He doesn't have to "sit around all day alone" unless he wants to play the martyr.

You mention that your youngest child is not invited and that he's adopted. It almost seems that you're looking for more reasons to get us all annoyed with the couple and to back up your belief that your partner should be invited to their event, reasons for us all to say 'that's dreadful!', which of course it would be if the lack of invitation for your son was because he's adopted, but it isn't is it? He's not being singled out.

YABU. The bride and groom may invite who they please. They're the hosts, it's their wedding, not anyone else's, they're paying. It's not on to question them, either just accept or decline.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Tue 31-Dec-13 18:05:48

Everyone needs to be as generous as they can be to solve this one fsmile

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 18:08:56

hooby she explained he's not invited because children are not invited, she didn't make out that it was personal to her.

pandarific Tue 31-Dec-13 18:09:24

I think you're being U here too. Weddings are expensive with the most expensive bit being the sit down meal part. She hasn't met him yet, you're not yet living together... she's being normal to just invite him to the evening part.

Not personal, don't stress about it!

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 31-Dec-13 18:09:44

She's a friend of 14 years standing yet you don't feel you can cope at her wedding without your boyfriend?

diddl Tue 31-Dec-13 18:10:06

TBH, I don't think that there's anything wrong with a "non live in" being invited to just the evening do.

But when it's 1,5hrs away, then it's not always possible, is it?

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 18:11:58

The evening invite is just a courtesy, she probably doesn't even expect him to go.

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 18:12:14

hooby I sorry of agree with the DP entertaining himself during the day, but they do need to travel to get there etc.

I think you need to chat to her op, maybe after the meal meet up?

Twitterqueen Tue 31-Dec-13 18:16:07

I would be really pissed off too.

How about attending the wedding as planned (especially with bridesmaid complication)

but declining the reception afterwards, saying you want to spend the day with your partner and you - and he - will join the party in the evening?

A wedding is only around 45 mins after all - and in fact, your partner could attend that too, since church ceremonies are foc!

then you are at the special bit, and you can all celebrate as a new family later - together.

CatsRule Tue 31-Dec-13 18:16:19

If she knew what she was doing then I'd say she was insensitive and it was poor taste. I get that you haven'y been together long, however, neither has she and her df by the sounds of it. IF she truly was the friend you are to her she would see how devastating events have been for you and your dc and this man makes you all supported and happy.

Her wedding yes...poor taste definitely!

Joysmum Tue 31-Dec-13 18:16:26

I was going to say she was being unreasonable, then I saw your later post which says you don't even live together so now I've changed my mind. I don't think she's being unreasonable.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 31-Dec-13 18:19:33

You can invite people to evening only when they live locally, but not when they are a 1.5 hour drive away.

My personal feelings about weddings are that you either invite the whole family or none. And to include your eldest DCs so closely, but yet exclude your younger son entirely, shows an astounding level of self-absorption on the part of your friend.

CatsRule Tue 31-Dec-13 18:20:40

I also understand weddings are expensive but the emphasis you have out on how good friends you are makes me wonder if she feels the same otherwise she could have said to you it was a financial decision.

Twitterqueen's suggestion is good, you, without saying, are letting her know it isn't appropriate in your circumstances and also not letting her down re bridesmaid arrangements.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 18:23:29

hoobypickypicky I honestly don't mind him DS2 age 6 being left out as it is a no children event. It is quite normal.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 31-Dec-13 18:25:04

Are you prepared to lose the friendship over this?

Options - just go with your children and let DP decide whether to go to the evening do or not.

- decline all of you going and be prepared for bad feeling.

- say you are disappointed that your DP has not been invited and if it is down to money you are happy to pay (if you are.)

- just ask her why DP isn't invited.

When I got married we invited both parts of a couple. One I had met neither, DH friend. Another I hadn't met him though my friend brought a friend as her partner didn't like weddings, I hadn't met the friend either. Another couple I invited both but she didn't show up, nor tell me, and I hadn't met her partner either. I just can't understand why she hasn't invited your partner too when she has asked the rest of the family, except the youngest. I can't understand that either but that is BTB.

We decided everyone was coming to the Church and the reception and the whole family was invited.

Casmama Tue 31-Dec-13 18:25:36

I think it is appalling that you discussed this with your children before your DP and think you are totally overreacting here considering you don't live with him. (I always think it is a bit OTT to describe someone as a partner whe you don't live with them but accept I may be in the minority.)

Speak to your partner and if he is as frothed up about this as you then Speak to the friend and tell her you are hurt at the lack of invite and see if she would reconsider. You need to be clear with your children that they made a commitment to someone who has been an important part of their life for a long time.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 31-Dec-13 18:27:51

I feel sorry for the 6 year old though. Doesn't get to see his siblings be part of a wedding party and everyone else is going to some part of the wedding except him.

WorraLiberty Tue 31-Dec-13 18:28:49

I think YABU

Sending your boyfriend an evening invite was a lovely thing to do.

This sounds a bit cold though OP....

then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only.

'Hang around' for 5hrs to watch her get married?

You make it sound like that's the least important event of the day confused

SaucyJack Tue 31-Dec-13 18:30:06

I expect she wants an intimate marriage ceremony with her nearest and dearest- not complete strangers.

I think you're taking it too personally.

lilyaldrin Tue 31-Dec-13 18:30:57

I got invited to a friend's wedding when DP (and DS) didn't. The bride had never met DP.

It didn't occur to me to throw a hissyfit over it and refuse to go. And do you know what, I managed to survive for a few hours without my boyfriend there to hold my hand.

I think it's a little bit tactless of the bride. I do understand that it is her wedding however she should have your feelings in mind, sounds like you have had a rough time of it. When I got married in 2011, I invited a dear friend and her new partner who I hadn't met. I have been friends with her for 24 years, was bridesmaid at her wedding 20 years ago (now divorced). We probably see each other once or twice a year, but keep in contact via email and phone regularly. I wanted her to enjoy herself so felt it was appropriate to invite her partner.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 18:52:14

WorraLiberty They are getting married the previous day for the intimate ceremony, this the blessing and wedding reception. I am genuinely pleased she has met someone, I just am smarting at her insensitivity.

Delurkedforthis Tue 31-Dec-13 19:01:48

I just am smarting at her insensitivity.

Well given that you have named the very specific locality where this is taking place, along with the time of year, and these very particular circumstances, you have pretty much outed her, and she may well be feeling the same.

As someone else has said, she hasn't met your DP, you're not living together: this hardly seems to be lack of tact and sensitivity of the highest order.

You seem to be making this event all about the convenience and happiness of you and your family: if it's too much of an ask for you to be surgically removed from your DP for a few hours then don't go...but please don't make her feel bad about it.

FlowerytaleofNewYork Tue 31-Dec-13 19:12:04

"she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers"

If that's how you view her wedding, as what sounds like a complete inconvenience, then perhaps it's best you decline.

You don't even live with your DP. Lines have to be drawn somewhere and perhaps she's drawn it at living together partners invited, others not?

I agree it sounds as though she's been a bit insensitive but you sound as though you've taken it spectacularly over dramatically tbh.

LadyInDisguise Tue 31-Dec-13 19:12:51

Well if the bride knows the OP so well then she should know about her DH commiting suicide, the impact of it on her and her dcs as well as the fact she has had a DP for longer than she knows her future DH. She will also know how committed their relationship.
I am shock at the fact it is OK to have some sort of evaluation from the bride/groom as to the 'commitment' in the relationship. ie if you aren't living together than you're not really a couple and we can afford to invite one partner but not the other attitude.

If I was the Op, in these circumstances, I would have an issue with my partner being consider 'less than' tbh

FlowerytaleofNewYork Tue 31-Dec-13 19:13:54

"She has suggested that as she understands DP and I would like a nice weekend away together that he is invited to the evening"

Sounds thoughtful to me, not "astoundingly crass".

FlowerytaleofNewYork Tue 31-Dec-13 19:17:02

But there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Unless the couple have space and finance for everyone to bring a random plus one that the guest met the previous day, they have to draw a line. Otherwise people will start dating someone a week before the wedding and expect to bring them.

The bride has not even met the DP. Perhaps they've felt they needed to draw the line at having complete strangers at their wedding, who knows.

matildamatilda Tue 31-Dec-13 19:19:27

God, I can't imagine why people do this A List/B List nonsense. It never ends well.

It's an invitation. Just decline.

JodieGarberJacob Tue 31-Dec-13 19:37:04

Just coming on to say what ladyindisguise said. Didn't realise it was the norm to be invited to a wedding alone unless you have a live-in partner. There were lots of strangers at my wedding to ExH but they were there as plus 1s to my friends, never occurred to any of us to invite singles. How unfeeling. But obviously we all think differently.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 19:56:36

LadyInDisguise

Thank you. Of course she knows everything it was less than 4yrs ago and she knows DP and I are committed.

Whoever said I have outed the bride. There are plenty of venues in the area that hold wedding blessings in the summer.

damnitchloe Tue 31-Dec-13 20:02:43

Unless brides & grooms have unlimited finances & unlimited space lines have to be drawn somewhere. We had a biggish wedding (150 to sit down) but didn't want to invite people all day that we hadn't met before (instead of another friend) so we didn't invite any partners we hadn't met. We did invite partners nearer the time to the evening & we were really chuffed when one of these came to the church too. It's the bride & groom's day, they only do it once & they get to decide how. If you are such a good friend, my view is you should put her wishes ahead of yours & do what she would like for her big day. I don't see how your DP can be offended not to be invited to wedding of someone he has never met & my DH would have been delighted to be invited in the evening in those circumstances & quite relieved to miss all the speeches. It's her day. I really hope you can put your friend first for a few hours.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 20:03:37

I just think its down to numbers and someone she hasn't met isn't going to be a priority over friends/family.

Delurkedforthis Tue 31-Dec-13 20:06:18

Whoever said I have outed the bride. There are plenty of venues in the area that hold wedding blessings in the summer.

I think I must be whoever. For goodness' sake the town is tiny and the cirx are very specific...it honestly seems like you wanted to out her.

Unhappy you have clearly had it very tough, and you have my total sympathy and truly I don not know how one would ever get over something like that...your over reaction is really understandable...but it IS an over reaction. She is not being 'crass' or 'insensitive'...she's just planning a wedding and trying to please all the people all of the time. I'm buggered if I would bother, but I do think you should cut her some slack. She clearly wants you and your family in her life. And the logistics don't seem insurmountable to me.

KeatsiePie Tue 31-Dec-13 20:12:13

Huh, the time DH and I were on the second-tier list, we got invited to the wedding ceremony itself but not the reception. I think b/c reception meal is a cost per guest, which wedding venue/church is not. It became a bit awkward as DH had gotten the invitation, not me (we were not married then) and hadn't noticed that we were not invited to the reception. It was a little weird to be standing around after the ceremony with everyone and then slowly realize that they were all heading off to a reception to which we were not invited. /pointless musing.

Unhappy sorry for the digression. I wouldn't be pleased; it seems a little insensitive. But since she knows your history, she may not be insensitive, but simply in a tough place i.e., if she has had to draw the line at married/living together couples for cost reasons, she can't then turn around and start making exceptions or she will hurt other people's feelings. If you are close, she may be counting on you to understand how hard it is to include everyone fully when it's such an expensive event, and counting on you to already know that she loves you and values your happiness and is glad you have your DP.

If your kids were little I would think she should have invited your DP so you would not struggle, as it would be much harder to manage little kids and their clothes and the timings on your own -- but surely two teenagers can get themselves packed for the trip and dressed for the day without you having to do much?

WaitMonkey Tue 31-Dec-13 20:13:55

I honestly don't know. I've changed my mind at every post.

DorrisM Tue 31-Dec-13 20:16:19

I think you're overthinking it and it's really not a big deal. She may have thought that your DP would be looking after your younger DS during the day and could get a babysitter for the evening. Either way her connection is with you and your dc's, weddings are expensive and it's totally normal to not be able to invite everyone that you would in an ideal world. I think you should remember who's day it is and be happy for her.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 20:17:16

OK I will probably sit and cry, overcome with emotion seeing the bride so radiant and happy and getting married with my DCs being part of it. I will feel like the 2nd mother of the bride). Of course it will bring back my past (she worked for DH and myself for a very long time as the DCs nanny) It will also make me think of my future. Since the huge breakdown I had a few years ago I am not sure I will cope without having my partner there. I dont know many of the brides friends they are all 20 years younger than me and will be with partners. In fact this reply had decided it. I can't go without DP. Simple done Thank you everyone

Delurked The hotel is a good 10 miles away from Uckfield, it was a random town in the general area chosen without too much thought.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 31-Dec-13 20:21:29

Hang on, she's never met your DP and you don't live together. Maybe there are people she does actually know that she would rather invite. Weddings are number limited so maybe she just can't fit your DP in.

Why are you worrying so much about organising your children? They're teenagers, not toddlers. I'm sure they can dress themselves.

I think you are overreacting and involving your children isn't fair. Her wedding doesn't revolve around you, sometimes you have to be tough with numbers. Dont forget her DP will be inviting people too, it's not just her guest list!

KeatsiePie Tue 31-Dec-13 20:23:31

Wait you're the OP? I'm sorry her decision hit you so hard. One thing I think for sure is that she absolutely could not have meant to hurt you with the invitation. She may have been thoughtless and insensitive, or she may not have been be but you misinterpreted, but either way I really don't think she meant to make you feel bad. It's just that unfortunately it has made you feel bad, b/c you've been through a lot (for which I am sorry, and glad you have your DP now). So your emotions are intersecting with her decision in a way that's painful for you, but I think not in a way that is her fault. And so I'd walk away from it for a little while ... see how you feel in a week or two. Let the emotions play out.

KeatsiePie Tue 31-Dec-13 20:24:44

Oops, I guess Wait is not the OP, sorry, hope rest of my post is still useful.

redexpat Tue 31-Dec-13 20:28:51

Why dont you just ask if dh could be included? Explain to her how important it is for your dcs?It will be because of cost or space. Not rudeness.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 20:30:36

Well, you need to decline the invites asap and accept that your friend will be very disappointed.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 20:31:43

Actually, have you even received official invites as yet? Seems a bit early if the wedding isn't until the summer. If she met your DP in the interim she may change her mind and invite him.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Tue 31-Dec-13 20:40:04

You seem very sensitive and to be thinking that she is purposefully disrespecting you / trying to cause upset. If you've been on mumsnet for a while you'll know weddings are fraught with difficulties, people have very different expectations about them and what is or us not acceptable.
She has invited all the adult members of your household. Your DP is rightly very important to you but he is not a member of your household/family as far as the public are concerned is he? I do think telling the dcs first was looking for a negative reaction, and they have answered in a way that supports what you want.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Tue 31-Dec-13 20:42:52

I think my post might sound harsh which I don't mean it too - as an outsider you do seem to be at risk of losing a friendship over something that is almost definitely down to finances.

somethingchristmassy Tue 31-Dec-13 20:51:13

I think perhaps because of your background you are extra-sensitive to your dp and youngest son not being considered "proper" family? That's understandable.

However, you will not need help with teenage children on the day. You won't be eating with strangers because your dc's will be there.

There is no way of saying something without this friendship ending, or cooling off, imo. Either she will change her mind and decide everyone invited, in which case you'll all feel awkward on the day. Or, none of you will go and you'll have ruined her wedding, or stopped it being as she wanted it.

imo - it's her day, your dp can go to the service then rejoin you for the evening "do" - you'll only be away from him for 2 or 3 hours. try to feel flattered that your friend wants your children as such a big part of her day.

Not inviting one sibling whilst the others have a role in the wedding would bother me a lot more tbh.

diddl Tue 31-Dec-13 21:00:46

Well if you can't go without him then I think that you need to decline ratherthan try to get an invitation for him.

You have have been through a lot, but I can see your friend's side in not inviting your OH tbh.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 21:25:51

somethingchristmassy. I am sensitive it it, but they are my family and that is what counts. I totally accept youngest DS not being invited It is a "no children" day.

My Teenage DCs will need transporting 90 mins by car on the day to the brides house, and transport home again. They are minors and cannot stay in a hotel unsupervised. I will not let them travel home with a guest who could have been drinking. Both older DCs are part of the wedding party, the bride could extend an invite to me and DP?

DCs will be on the top table and are fully involved, I am single guest. It is a blessing not a church service so it is by invitation only.

As a family we were going to stay local to the wedding but I will not be letting DP pay for 2 rooms in a hotel for 2 nights just for him to come to the evening do

It is her wedding but if she has made a decision that I cannot accommodate I have no alternative but to decline.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas : I am a name changer, I have been on MN since a year after its inception.

lilyaldrin Tue 31-Dec-13 21:36:49

Is the problem that you don't drive? Can your DP really not entertain himself for a few hours during the wedding?

MerylStrop Tue 31-Dec-13 21:45:14

I can see why you would like your DP there

But I think you are getting stuff out of proportion to consider it an insult or that DP not part of your family etc, it's simply not the case, unless your friend is a properly not nice person.... And I think you have better judgement than that.

ceres Tue 31-Dec-13 22:02:43

"It is her wedding but if she has made a decision that I cannot accommodate I have no alternative but to decline."

i agree completely and would politely decline.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Tue 31-Dec-13 22:10:01

In that case, you know how it is! Unless you sensibly stay away from AIBU most of the time grin But really, you keep describing things as if she has not invited you either, just the dcs. That is not the case.
You don't have to go, but what a shame that your teenagers can't either (if they were truly keen).

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 22:16:53

She is a nice person, I adore her. This is why I am so miffed. She just doesn't see it important to me or the DCs that my DP is part of her celebration. If we were just guests I could understand it, but the DCs are part of her wedding party because she holds them dear.

I do drive but don't feel I could drive a total of 4.5hrs and still attend a wedding blessing by lunchtime, it is unreasonable to ask anyone to do this alone ... and herein we are back to my original point about no plus 1

I am exhausted emotionally from this. I will probably see in the new year asleep on the sofa !

Jengnr Tue 31-Dec-13 22:18:55

She's invited you but not your partner and two out of three of your kids??? That's madness.

If it's a no children wedding she doesn't invite your kids but you and your partner go. If she wants your kids there she invites all of you.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 22:28:57

I thought the wedding was 1.5 hours away - surely that's easily driveable by lunchtime?

I still think you've got time to introduce your DP to your friend and then she may actually invite him. But it is quite normal nowadays with constraints of numbers/money to not invite people whom the bridal couple have never met.

lilyaldrin Tue 31-Dec-13 22:30:47

It's unreasonable to ask someone to drive alone confused How do you think single people manage? Most people are capable of travelling somewhere without another adult.

MidniteScribbler Tue 31-Dec-13 22:32:40

I think it's rude. The bride and groom's "special day" is not an excuse for them to act like twerps. Being a good host/hostess does not stop just because you're putting on a frilly white dress.

lilyaldrin Tue 31-Dec-13 22:35:12

I think it's quite nice of the bride to extend an invite to a boyfriend she's never met grin

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 22:36:58

Me too lily. I'd actually feel a little more upset at the 6 year old being left out bearing in mind his siblings were meant to be part of the bridal party.

lilyaldrin Tue 31-Dec-13 22:41:29

I wouldn't have a child-free wedding personally, but I understand why people do - he's not the only small child being excluded.

redmayneslips Tue 31-Dec-13 22:56:35

I think these circumstances are exceptional and not in the normal realm of wedding invite angst. I do think the bride is being insensitive and if she is as nice as the OP thinks she is, and she is fully aware of the situation the OP has been through, wouldn't you think she would be only delighted to see the OP happy with her new partner despite having been through what can only have been to hell and back? If she is a true friend she should want to see you happy on the arm of your new love and thrilled for you that you have this chance to be happy again.

I think she has been utterly insensitive to these very very particular circumstances and I too would be very hurt by this.

Earlspearl Tue 31-Dec-13 23:08:03

When is the wedding? Can you invite the couple for an evening meal? It is a bit weird inviting someone you have never met before to a wedding.

MerylStrop Tue 31-Dec-13 23:28:57

Honestly it's not unreasonable to ask someone to attend a wedding alone, driving there or not. And you won't be alone your kids are in the wedding party.

I think you are being hurt when you shouldn't....she's not met your DP, you have months to workout logistics, and run the risk of really hurting your friend. Badly.

angeltulips Tue 31-Dec-13 23:49:26

As a foreigner, I've never understood the English thing of having a meal and then a evening do, with some people only invited to the latter. It seems incredibly crass to me full stop. And sad as well - the actual ceremony is the best bit!

But if I were you I would talk to her. Objectively I think you're being U, but can understand that this night be a situation where you are reasonable in being unreasonable. Why not just ring her? Please stop winding up your kids about it though, that's not fair on her or them.

FlowerytaleofNewYork Wed 01-Jan-14 00:33:41

If you're that close isnt it a bit strange she's not met your DP? Maybe she doesn't realise how serious the relationship is if you don't live together and he hasn't met your close friends yet.

Also a bit strange that a wedding 90 minutes away would involve 4.5 hours driving to get there, or was that a typo?

If it's that important to you that you would rather miss a close friend's wedding than attend part of the day without your DP, ask her if it's possible for him to attend.

shoom Wed 01-Jan-14 00:59:15

I understand if you decline the invitation.

I think you've been quite clear. If DP is invited then you'd travel as a family on Friday, stay in a hotel overnight and take your DC to her home on Saturday morning to get ready.

If DP isn't invited then you'd be traveling very early on Saturday morning to get your DC there, maybe getting up at 6am or similar to get them there for 8-9am?

And your DC may be busy all day so yes you could be essentially alone and making small talk with strangers while feeling quite emotional and appreciating a bit of support. Lots of people may be happy introducing themselves to strangers but that doesn't mean the OP is wrong if she isn't one of them. And presumably the bride is well aware of how much DP means to OP and her DC.

Hopefully you can speak to the bride about this. If DC don't want to attend as bridesmaids etc that's up to them. DP could be invited all day or DC can attend as guests meaning a more relaxing start to the day and company for OP. Or decline.

LeafyGreen13 Wed 01-Jan-14 01:14:04

I think you should talk to your DP first.

I don't actually think the bride has been horribly rude here. It seems to be common these days to have different tiered guests. I think the bride will be genuinely shocked to hear you are so upset about it.

When my SIL got married the church was quite small so they could only invite a limited number of people to the actual ceremony. Perhaps that is also the case here.

LittleBabySqueakSqueak Wed 01-Jan-14 02:04:02

A boyfriend who doesn't live with you isn't part of the family.

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 02:15:46

I think your friend has been unspeakably rude and I would be upset too. Your DP is your partner. I wonder if the bride has invited anybody else's boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. DH and I were engaged zillions of years ago, we didn't live together until we got married but we were still invited to our friends' weddings as a couple.

I think our friend is planning a wedding and a party rather than a marriage and I think that's very sad.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Wed 01-Jan-14 02:23:36

Just reread the entire thread calmly. thank you for all your comments and opinions.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Wed 01-Jan-14 02:25:17

I don't think that either of you is being intrinsically unreasonable. Accepted etiquette is (or seemed to be, back when I got married) that you must invite spouses, fiances or live-in partners; non-live-in boyfriends or girlfriends were decided based on how much space you had and whether you had a personal relationship with them (so if you were pushed for space and had never met a friend's live-out boyfriend it would be perfectly normal not to invite him). On the other hand you really feel that you need your DP's practical and emotional support on this occasion.

Please call the bride and actually speak to her rather than just declining. I know when we got married one guest asked us if he could invite plus-one X, because reasons Y and Z and we said yes, absolutely, because that guest was important to us and we understood entirely why he wanted the plus-one there. I'm sure she has wiggle room at this point.

NoComet Wed 01-Jan-14 02:37:48

You invite neither or both always.

Unless, you have a group of friends who all know each other really well.

My old school friends didn't have plus ones when I got married (2 didn't have BFs and the one who did was hay making) they were fine because they were old disco attending pup crawling mates.

shoom Wed 01-Jan-14 02:38:30

OP has stated that she and her partner will be living together soon, well before the wedding.

If OP thinks of someone as her partner or family then that's what they are to her.

shoom Wed 01-Jan-14 02:43:55

Also, given that the bride has raised this about 6 months before the wedding, and mentioned the hotel weekend, she knows OP's plans and expectations included DP.

Why the bride chose email for the news is her business, but it means OP can think before responding. I suspect the bride expects a response and hopefully there can be an honest conversation.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Wed 01-Jan-14 02:48:44

I'm sure she has wriggle room too. I'm embarrassed to talk to her about it but will force myself.

She has already made it clear in an email that "I understand you are wanting to have a nice weekend away with DP too, so he will be able to join us for the evening celebration but we really are stretched for places for the wedding breakfast so that won’t be possible. This will be the same for everyone sorry!!"

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 02:55:27

Do you know, if your DC aren't that bothered about being part of the wedding, I'd be minded to e-mail back. "Sorry to hear that you are so stretched for numbers, as you wanted us to play a major part in your day but don't have the basic courtesy to invite my partner to your wedding and treat him as my equal, we are unable to attend your wedding at all. Hopefully this will mean that you will have some more spaces available for the A List for whom your wedding breakfast is intended".

So sorry that you have decided to treat my dp as though he is a second class citizen, but that means I too am relegated to 2nd class, and if we aren't equal to your other first tier guests, then unfortunately, I cannot afford to use two days of annual leave for your wedding and spend the equivalent of a short family break on accommodation so we can attend.

I really think the attitude in relation to weddings is well and truly out of hand. The guests need to be treated like guests again.

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 02:56:56

And actually why should he get a plus one. He's your partner; he has a justified reason to attend and should have a proper named invitation.

HowBadCanThisGet Wed 01-Jan-14 03:09:49

I can't understand why you can't go over, let the kids dress themselves while you go out. You then go to the blessing, and take lots of photos so you don't have to make much small talk.

Then you make excuses at the reception, and pop off to the hotel where you can have a lovely time with DP with no children in the house wink before you attend the evening do together.

I went to a wedding where I knew the bride and groom, and my DP was the best man, and seated miles from me. Apart from that I didn't know anybody, and I admit it was hard work being on my own at a family celebration. However, there are always a number of people at a wedding who don't know everyone, and usually everyone is on their best behaviour and trying very hard to make sure everyone else has as nice a time as possible.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Wed 01-Jan-14 03:10:30

NearTheWindmill I would love to have the courage to send that.

Instead I diplomatically replied "I'm delighted you have met someone and am quite upset I haven't met him yet!!!!! To celebrate your engagement we, that is DP myself and the DCs would like to invite you both to share something sparkly and alcoholic over dinner with us during January, perhaps in xxx which is about half way.

Let me know which Fridays you are free to come.

Warm wishes for a wonderfully happy New Year to you both

OP

I so wanted to add the comment that was suggested earlier and invite her alone to the dinner and suggest her DP is welcome to join us for deserts and coffee.

Now I'm smiling.

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 01-Jan-14 03:14:44

Sorry, but I think YABU. The wedding day is about the couple and they can invite who they wish.

I think HowBad has the right idea.

ItsNotATest Wed 01-Jan-14 03:18:51

Don't lose a good friend over this. Really, don't. Think long and hard before you risk that. Weddings are shockingly expensive. Think about how much juggling she is having to do to include the people who really matter to her. She has told you how important you are by including your DC in the wedding party.
Adults can drive and eat without someone to hold their hand. And they can entertain themself for a few hours before joining a wedding in the evening.

I can actually see exactly where you are coming from, but that doesn't justify it. Stop with feeling like a victim and get on with enjoying the wedding of a good friend, in whatever role each of you has been given.

NiceTabard Wed 01-Jan-14 03:54:06

I can understand why this has hurt you so much.

I think if it were me, in your shoes, I would think of declining the whole thing all round. She wants your two older children playing "big" parts, you elsewhere, your DP there in the evening and your 6yo not there at all.

Even without the emotional upheaval of the whole thing, and the idea that 1/2 a family are very important but not the other half, logistically that sounds like a nightmare. If that was us, and DH was invited to a wedding with one of the kids, and me for the evening, and the other kids to stay at home, it would be declined. Not doable. And odd, frankly.

incidentally, MN wedding etiquette advice is often bollocks, having followed it myself twice, and come a cropper! You need to decide what to do within your own family and circs smile

Spermysextowel Wed 01-Jan-14 04:18:16

About 20 yrs ago my parents were invited to the wedding of their very close friends' daughter - we had been neighbours & like sisters from birth til they moved away when friend & I were 12. Neither my live-in partner nor I were invited but no issue for us. Some weeks later we were invited for evening only (& this would mean a 6 hr round trip). We accepted. A very short while after we were invited for the full-on event. We accepted. On each successive invitation my faux aunt started with something like 'you are smart enough to realise why you're being invited at this late stage'. We weren't offended, we realised that we were some way down in the pecking order but I was happy to be included as a guest.
To see someone who has meant a lot to you on the most important day of their life is something special.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 07:50:51

This is a very difficult situation as the reality is that a lot of couples getting married are severely restricted by numbers and costs. I think doing the guest list for a wedding is very stressful. I come from a huge family and my DH has a huge circle of friends but for our wedding we could only have 58 people- so 29 each, which is nothing. It just wasn't physically possible to invite everyone's partners to the actual Wedding Day event, though we did invite them to our evening one. We didn't expect all the partners to turn up for the evening event as our venue was about a 50 minute drive away but we honestly had no other option. We also did not invite anybody's children. At just over £80 a head it was ridiculous to think we would have to turn people away that we knew and wanted to be there in order to make space for partners we'd never met or someone's young child. My DH invited one of his friends, who he'd known for about 10 years, to the whole day event but didn't invite his partner as although they had been together for about 18 months we hadn't actually met her - so why should my husband turn away one of his other really good friends just to make way for a woman he has never met just because she is going out with his friend? It's very unfair to expect people to do this. Some couples have plenty of money to spend on money's or have parents who contribute etc so don't have to be so restricted with the guest list, but for some couples it really is just impossible to have everyone there. FWIW my DH's friend didn't come to the wedding because he was in a huff that his partner wasn't invited and all it did was make him look petty and immature - needless to say the friendship has never been the same since. I think you would be very silly to let this affect things with your friend - don't be so quick to judge her and just accept that decision like this aren't easy for the couples getting married, I'm sure your friend feels bad enough about it and probably just needs your understanding.

Cabrinha Wed 01-Jan-14 08:15:38

You call that a diplomatic reply?
I call it a passive aggressive one.
"Quite upset" you haven't met him yet? Unnecessary. You should have just said you'd love to meet him.

I also think it's a bit off that you've only now added that she didn't explain and apologise in her email about you boyfriend not being invited.

And out of order to start discussing with your kids before your boyfriend!

I think you're making a meal of it re the 90 minutes, too. I just drove that yesterday on a day trip to family. Some of us on here do that as a daily commute!

And if you don't want your boyfriend to pay for a hotel when he's not going - how about YOU pay for it? Sorted. It seems to me like you are looking for problems.

Is she a lot younger than you? You said many guests would be? I'm thinking it might be quite common for single invitations in that age group - afterall, many more partners are more transient.

You haven't met her fiancé, she hasn't met your boyfriend... I just kind of wonder how close you really are? She may well love your kids, as she was part of bringing them up. But - you were here employer. I have a couple of nanny friends who are still in touch with and like their ex employers, but they're not best mates, and never were. Is there a tendency to think of a nanny as part of your family, in a way they don't feel it themselves?
Anyway, that's by the by.

Whether people like separate evening lists or not, they are common enough in this country as to be accepted as normal and not the crass work of individual oddness. She's included a boyfriend she doesn't know, and not shied away from emailing to apologise for it being evening only.

Give her a break!

Slainte Wed 01-Jan-14 08:18:45

Writer can I just ask why you didn't choose a larger venue where you could accommodate all the guests you wanted there? No malicious intent in my post, I'm just curious. smile

Yama Wed 01-Jan-14 08:21:05

I am not a fan of 'Evening Only' invitations.

I get that couples are not intending to cause hurt and offense but they often do. To diminish people's feeling because it's apparently normal these days is to lack empathy.

Unhappy - I simply wouldn't go. This shouldn't be causing you so much hurt and stress.

OneHandFlapping Wed 01-Jan-14 08:21:11

I really don't understand weddings nowadays with B lists, no partners and no kids.

We invited plus ones for all guests, even if I didn't know them. Everyone was invited to the wedding service and the reception - which included food and then a dance in the evening. And all children were invited.

If there wasn't space/we couldn't afford it, we would just have had a smaller wedding.

Some people came without their kids, other without plus ones, but they at least had the option.

Nobody was offended. This "It's your wedding you can do what you want" seems to be an excuse for all kinds of rude shit.

diddl Wed 01-Jan-14 08:27:55

""Quite upset" you haven't met him yet? "

And yet she hasn't met your "seriously committed" partner of two yrs either??

Are you as friendly as you think?

FlowerytaleofNewYork Wed 01-Jan-14 08:41:15

So in fact she has explained why she can't squeeze him in to the wedding breakfast, apologised, and confirmed that it will be the same for everyone, ie not a personal slight against you as you seem to think.

Maybe you feel she should have chosen a larger venue and/or gone deeply into debt to fit in partners she's never met, but for her sake I hope everyone whose partner she's invited to evening only hasn't reacted as you have!

If you've not met each other's partners you are not as close as you suggest. That makes sense given you are her ex employer.

vj32 Wed 01-Jan-14 08:41:55

We were quite restricted on venues because we needed it to be easily accessible to several elderly/disabled relatives and needed to be part of a hotel so they could rest in the day if needed.

We only had about 35 people to the day part and then had cousins and friends to the afternoon/evening.

I didn't do plus ones to people I had never met. I didn't want to look back in ten years at my wedding photos and not know who loads of people were. We invited one plus one in the end, a new partner of a family member for special reasons after they specifically asked for an invite.

WutheringTights Wed 01-Jan-14 08:57:22

To be honest I would decline. B and G can invite who they like and invitees can decide whether to accept or not. But that's after I've spent the last 10 years travelling the length and breadth of the country to weddings where we have been invited to various combinations of events; the worst involving being stranded in the middle of nowhere, with nowhere to eat, for hours on end, with the hotel refusing to give us any food because they were so busy with the wedding breakfast, and slowly realising that we were one of only a handful of couples not invited to the wedding breakfast. We hung out in reception and listened to the merriment in the wedding breakfast room while A list guest snuck us food parcels from their meals.

These days I'm not prepared to spend that much money and sacrifice that much family time if we're treated as second class citizens. I would wish the bride and groom well and would never a grudge but money and time off from work with the DCs is too precious. A local evening do without the kids, fair doos, but no to travelling, hotels, expense and hardly seeing the DCs for a weekend. Rant over.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 01-Jan-14 09:01:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

natwebb79 Wed 01-Jan-14 09:16:33

Threads like these remind me why DH and I buggered off to a registry office with a couple of witnesses and invited everybody to a room above a pub for a knees up afterwards. Bliss. grin

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 09:22:28

""Quite upset" you haven't met him yet? "

And yet she hasn't met your "seriously committed" partner of two yrs either??

Are you as friendly as you think?

Exactly. If you're that good friends why has she not met your DP?

She has explained why she cant invite your DP but you seem to have taken it quite personally. If she invites your DP then she probably can't invite one of their friends or family members. That's not ok.

Weddings can't always accomodate everybody. It doesn't mean she doesn't care. But instead you're risking turning into an annoying guest who thinks everything should go their way and giving the bride and groom more stress. Don't ruin the friendship over it.

Casmama Wed 01-Jan-14 09:27:52

I think the suggestion above is an excellent one actually. Go to the blessing, skip the meal and attend in the evening with DP. this way you can explain your feelings and save her the cost of one meal but still attend the majority of the day.

natwebb79 Wed 01-Jan-14 09:30:12

I've just read the email she sent you. Bloody hell if that doesn't explain her position to you and you're still bleating on then I'm sorry but you're a nightmare. She's probably thinking the same, poor woman. What is it about 'we are very limited numbers wide for the wedding breakfast hence no partners. This will be the same for everybody. Very sorry.' don't you understand? And it's 1.5 hours away. Not a bloody trans-Atlantic flight away.

neffi Wed 01-Jan-14 09:38:36

Do people really decide that becuase they want to get married at xxx hotel/stately home etc that they are then happy to have to miss people off the guest list because the venue isn't big enough or costs eleventy million pounds per head? The venue being more important?

People have some very funny ideas about weddings, they really do. If I had a friend in your position OP, your OH would be on the guest list whether I'd bloody met him or not. Common fucking sense.

Moln Wed 01-Jan-14 09:44:12

But that's the issue with weddings neffi, you think your thinking is common fucking sense, while others think it's common sense to invite people they know and like rather than a partner, they have never met, of someone they don't see that often.

People generally chose they wedding venue because they really like it.

neffi Wed 01-Jan-14 09:44:32

And It's not just a plus 1 situation is it? It's inviting a family but leaving one member of the family out. And while I'm on a roll and getting annoyed on your behalf OP, I really dislike not inviting children to weddings. Child free weddings my arse!

Kandypane Wed 01-Jan-14 09:45:19

I think there are enough varying opinions on here that the OP can see it's not an intentional slight and should let it go. This wedding is one of the biggest days of her life. Don't marr it by whining about your OH missing out on a few hours. Just go, enjoy yourself, and look forward to your OH joining you later. Sometimes you can't have everything you're own way. Don't risk your friendship over this.

neffi Wed 01-Jan-14 09:46:39

Sorry Moin, x posted. Probably investing too much emotional energy into this. It's displacement I think.

natwebb79 Wed 01-Jan-14 09:58:04

If people are spending their own hard earned on their wedding they're free to plan it as they choose, just as you're free to decline the invitation and stay at home with your cat bum mouth slagging of the bride for making vulgar selfish decisions about the way they start their marriage. grin

LittleBearPad Wed 01-Jan-14 09:59:26

Your friend has explained that partners aren't being invited as a general thing,not just yours. Can't you spend a few hours at the blessing and reception and then see DP later.

It's also only a 90 minute drive, that's nothing.

Can't you just be happy for her and fit around her plans. It's only one afternoon.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Wed 01-Jan-14 10:59:31

I think it is a shame that she (and people in general) can't make an exception to her rule (or her mothers ?) though to take account of individual circumstances The OP could probably use the support of her DP if she is going to attend the reception with her DC.

Just because someone is getting married doesn't mean there should be any lack of respect for other relationships of guests who may not be married. Their relationship may be just as important to them as yours is to you.

lilyaldrin Wed 01-Jan-14 11:29:06

neffi - I wouldn't assume a boyfriend I haven't met, who isn't the father of any of the children and doesn't live with them is a member of a family. It's exactly a "plus 1" situation! Despite that, the bride has still invited him to the reception, she's just tight on numbers for the meal.

OP - why don't you and your DP both just skip the meal?

onedev Wed 01-Jan-14 11:34:46

Sorry Op but I'm another who thinks that YABU & agree with the posters who suggested that you're not actually as close as you think.

That said, I do understand where you're coming from & in your position, I'd politely decline the invitation saying that unfortunately you're not up to attending without your DP & therefore sadly your DC won't be able to take part either.

WooWooOwl Wed 01-Jan-14 11:41:28

This isn't even her wedding, it's a blessing, and she's chosen a venue that can't cope with the number of people she needs to invite to avoid making things difficult for her guests.

I think that's bridezilla. If you want your wedding/blessing day to be a brilliant celebration for both yourself and your guests, you accommodate your guests needs before choosing a fancy venue with number restrictions. Some people think the pretty surroundings are more important than their guests feeling welcome and accommodated, and they just don't deserve people to spend their own limited disposable income on attending when they can't even bring their own nearest and dearest.

We had a few people we barely knew to our wedding, because we have everyone a plus one if they didn't automatically come with someone we would have invited anyway. Those people didn't join in with all the photos and were happy and polite and respectful about the fact that they were plus one guests. It wasn't a problem at all, and the people they came with were happy that they had someone to share travel/accommodation and quiet parts of the day with.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Wed 01-Jan-14 11:47:49

Do agree with WooWoo in that the B&G should try to ensure everyone's day and weekend is as good as possible.

Despite the popular cliche (beloved of the wedding industry) it's not just "their day"

cingolimama Wed 01-Jan-14 11:51:39

Spermy could I just say that's one of the nicest posts I've read recently. To accept with good grace "the pecking order" and to embrace a wonderful event not with resentment or offence, but with generosity of spirit - can we have more of this kind of thing please?

SoupDragon Wed 01-Jan-14 11:51:59

YABU but, as you know, I can't say more than that.

And yes, you've outed the bride to anyone who knows.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 01-Jan-14 11:52:05

To be honest, OP, she really doesn't sound as close to you as you describe. That must be very hurtful but look at the facts:

* You lost your previous DH (so sorry) and she knew that.
* She knows you have a new partner even if she's never met him.
* You're invited to the wedding and your children are taking part in it.

I would have though that the convention would be for a family where children have been asked to participate would automatically be included en bloc.

Before you speak to your partner, ring your friend and speak to her, giving her the 'out' to say this was an oversight otherwise I can see your family not attending at all and this really would cause a rift in your relationship.

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 11:54:49

The saddest part of all this is that the wedding bit, the party, has become more important than the marriage. The marriage, the permanent commitment of one's love in a legally binding agreement, is actually the important bit, not the party. That's the bit that people should be invited to and to share with the happy couple. If after that bit there is wedding breakfast then the wedding breakfast needs to tailored to meet the budget available. If the budget stretches to a beautiful venue with champagne, favours and a three course meal for 150 lovely. If the important people are as many as 150 then those people still have to be catered for equally so the party needs to be revised and it might be a church hall or a function room with a buffet and a sparkling wine toast. Far better I'd have thought to have French bread, cheese and pate and a modest wine and include everyone you know and love enough in the celebration to honour the marriage than to have some extravagant, beyond the budget affair so the bride can pretend to be a princess for the day. The true princess is the one who treats here guests with good grace.

Isn't there a saying on here that it takes "village" to raise a child - shouldn't a marriage pull back towards reality a bit and recognise again that it takes a community and love to support a marriage to allow the village to raise the child that hopefully will be one of the outcomes of a happy and succesful marriage.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 01-Jan-14 11:55:13

Oh... reading back through the thread now and it isn't a wedding but a blessing and you have actually taken this up with her - and she's replied.

You really shouldn't have talked about this with your children though, totally unnecessary until a decision was made either way.

Hope you can sort out your friendship, OP. It does sound a bit odd.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 01-Jan-14 12:06:27

I've read the whole thread and sorry but I think your being ur I also think your being a bit dramatic.

Just decline the invitation or put on your grown up pants and attend.

supergreenuk Wed 01-Jan-14 12:18:29

With numbers and cost per head she may have had to not invite someone she knows for someone she doesn't know (your DP).
Sadly people sometimes have to make tough choices. I speak from experience as I invited my work mates on there own but partners could come later. It meant I could invite people dear to me and not a lot of strangers.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 12:23:57

slainte - the venue we chose could hold up to 120 guests if space wasn't the problem, it was our budget that meant we could only afford 50. That's the point I was trying to make. Me and my DH would have loved to have had more people there but we just couldn't afford it.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 12:29:05

Sorry- above paragraph is supposed to say that the venue could hold up to 120 guests, space wasn't the problem. It was our budget which meant we could only have 60 in total - inclusive of bride and and groom.

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 12:33:48

So why didn't you chose a cheaper venue writer?

HandbagCrazy Wed 01-Jan-14 12:37:06

I think if her friendship means so much to you then a day celebrating with her, watching your children be part of a wedding, enjoying some nice food and most likely, perfectly nice company, is not very much to ask of you. I understand you feel your partner should be invited, but the day is about your friend and her husband-to-be, not you or your relationship.
You wont be on your own, your friend has said this situation is the same for everyone. Other guests will make friendly chit-chat with you during the meal so you wont be lonely.
I personally would book a hotel for yourself and the children (you can share a family room) and then give your partner the option of driving down to join you or not attending at all. His choice. He may not be anywhere near as bothered by this as you are.
The situation isnt ideal but its hardly worth risking a friendship over.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 12:43:18

You shouldn't have involved your children to fight your battle.

So you're going to put the bride in an awkward position. Either you say you aren't coming which means you and the children are no longer part of the wedding party or you force the bride into creating an extra place for your DP. Either way you will cause a rift in your friendship.

Often people are restricted on numbers due to budget or venue, it doesn't mean you're having an expensive wedding because you can't invite everyone you've ever heard of.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 12:43:19

Because we loved the one saw. Plus, we got a £4'000 discount because we took a last minute cancellation date smile When we went looking at the venue we knew it wasn't in our budget, we just went to look at it because it was so beautiful. So when we were offered the date and discount and having a wedding there became an actual option we decided to take it. We could have chosen a cheaper venue, but why should we if the only reason we were getting married somewhere '2nd best' (in our eyes) was so that we could pay for people we didn't know to attend? If choosing that venue meant we were having to turn away close friends/family then we wouldn't have gone for it, but because we were still able to include in the 58 guests the people we most wanted there we decided to just go for it.

I have been invited to numerous weddings and my partner/fiancé/husband wasn't ( due to never having met them) and it has never been a problem. I would never expect someone to pay out and dismiss other people they know just so my partner could come with me. As per most wedding etiquette he was invited to the evening receptions, some he came to and some he didn't.

I just find it sad that B&G are put under such pressure to make choices to keep the guests happy - it is their special day and they should have the wedding they want without having to be judged by people.

lapetitesiren Wed 01-Jan-14 12:54:23

I haven' t read the whole thread but why don' t you accept and say dp would love to come in the afternoon if anyone drops out- there are always no- shows. Drops a hint without offending and if he still only comes for evening you can just enjoy that.

Spermysextowel Wed 01-Jan-14 13:10:39

My evening reception was also limited on numbers. Not because it was in a fancy posh venue where the catering per head was squillions of pounds but because there were only so many that could fit in a tent in my parents' back garden. The night before we were making coleslaw & potato salad for 40. Of course it would've stretched to 41 but none of our guests (& does not that mean someone who has been invited?) asked if they could bring a friend.

TheCraicDealer Wed 01-Jan-14 13:16:12

Are people seriously saying that you should choose a venue that you don't want simply so that you can invite the world and their wife?

Anyway, OP, in my experience +ones are usually extended to those who may be on their own to ensure they don't have a crap day not knowing anyone. You're going with your two kids, so it's hardly like you'll be sitting like Miss Havisham in the corner on your own all day. Coupled with the explanation she's given you, YABVU.

I've been invited to a few evening do's when my boyfriend has got an invite to the ceremony and reception. We've been together three years, moving in together this year and potentially getting engaged. Perhaps because I'm conscious of the choices I'll have to make with guest lists, budgeting, etc., I try to cut the b & g a bit of slack.

WorrySighWorrySigh Wed 01-Jan-14 13:17:05

I think a PP has hit on something with the dynamic here. The OP was the bride's employer but of course the OP's older DCs were her charges (bride was a nanny). The OP's older DCs have been invited to participate in the wedding.

In the bride's eye I wonder if the main guests are in fact the OP's older DCs. OP has been invited out to facilitate the attendance of her DCs. OP's DP has been invited purely as a courtesy.

IME people dont send out wedding invitations in a deliberate attempt to snub or offend the invitees. It is quite possible that while the bride knows that the OP has a bf she quite possibly does not know the depth of the relationship especially as the OP and her partner dont live together.

OP should be very careful of taking offence when none was given. Accept or decline the invitation but either way do it politely.

ceres Wed 01-Jan-14 13:27:02

"Are people seriously saying that you should choose a venue that you don't want simply so that you can invite the world and their wife?"

imo you choose the venue to accommodate the size of function you are holding.

lilyaldrin Wed 01-Jan-14 13:30:30

Surely the size of the function (or the amount of people you can afford to feed) is based on who you know and want to be there. I'm also amazed that anyone thinks you should have to plan a wedding budget to include boyfriends you have never met, or even bump people you do know to invite those you don't. Maybe money is no object for some people, but most people have to draw a line somewhere - and normally it's at people they know!

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 13:32:07

Well said lily

SoupDragon Wed 01-Jan-14 13:54:44

I can't go without DP

Sometimes we have to do things we are not comfortable with for the sake of our friends. Lord knows I've done things for friends which were so out of my comfort zone it's unbelievable. As well you know.

razmataz Wed 01-Jan-14 14:08:34

I think YABU OP. Your friend's reasons for not inviting your OH to the whole day are perfectly valid, and I think to refuse to go at all would be very surly and probably mean the end of your friendship.

As others have suggested, why not go to the blessing, skip the meal and go to the evening part? I'm sure if you explained to your friend she would be happy to invite your DP to the blessing to support you, and you could both skip the meal.

There are plenty of ways around this - if you refuse to go then you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Wed 01-Jan-14 14:16:17

Nearthewindmill - how does someone invite people to share in their "marriage" not just the wedding, as you propose? Sounds a bit pampas-grassy to me! Don't see why I should have to have a buffet in a church hall rather than a venue of my choosing so I can invite a stranger to it. Was quite a big deal to me and dh that we actually knew, and cared for, everyone who was at the wedding.

Yabu.
Yabu.
Yabu.

She has not even met your boyfriend. You dont live together. You have only been dating two years. I think it is crass of you to expect an invite for him for the full day.

She has invited YOU, and the children she has known for years and years to be part of ceremony. You come across as stroppy and entitled. Sorry.

jacks365 Wed 01-Jan-14 14:21:48

When I was looking around to book my wedding there were two key figures, minimum number of people and maximum budget. Key people was approximately 60 that didn't include non essential plus ones but what we did find was that the more people a venue could take the higher the cost per head so adding say 10 plus ones wouldn't just have meant adding the cost of 10 meals but also added about £15 a head to every meal. It is a minefield and just suggesting picking a cheaper or bigger place often isn't the answer. In this case it does sound like the bride has given it a lot of thought before making the decision and tried to inform you considerately. If you are going to pull your dc out please do it as soon as possible before any more dress fittings it wouldn't be fair otherwise.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 01-Jan-14 14:25:23

If you don't like it, don't go. After all it's not your wedding is it?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 01-Jan-14 14:25:37

I used to be a nanny. We were all close. When I got married the dad gave me away, the child was my page boy and the whole family sat on the top table with me. Doesn't seem that this ex nanny sees things the same way I did, or you do, OP.

pixiepotter Wed 01-Jan-14 14:31:31

YANBU what is your poor DH supposed to do, hanging about all day!!

nkf Wed 01-Jan-14 14:38:43

I don't understand why you would stuff up a long term friendship with the your children's godmother over an invitation to a man you don't live with, aren't married to and have only been with for two years.

If I were him, I would decline unless I thought it would be a good party.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Wed 01-Jan-14 14:42:08

Pixie, I think you have missed the point re the dh!

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 14:44:33

I think bride and grooms should have the day they want BUT should not expect not to be judged for it.
I think in their Wedding frenzy they forget sometimes it is not just them forking out. Presents, clothes, petrol, hotel rooms often, childcare if wondrous child free event. Not exactly a free lunch for the guests...

blahe Wed 01-Jan-14 14:47:38

So are you going or not?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 14:57:40

So I can imagine the conversation: 'I'm not coming to the wedding and I'm pulling my DC out of the wedding party because my boyfriend who you've never met and I don't live with hasn't got a full day invitation'.

I mean that doesn't sound childish at all.

OP, your DP is no more important than any other of the partners they are unable to invite. All you are going to achieve is ruining the friendship.

A friend of mine's boyfriend was only invited to the evening do of a wedding I went to recently. The B&G didn't know him. He decided it was quite a long way so didn't go. That was it. There was no fuss, no arguement, no stamping of feet or tears.

At my wedding I had a friend (who was there with a group of friends) ask if she could bring a date. I said no and thought she was quite cheeky to be honest.

somethingchristmassy Wed 01-Jan-14 15:08:21

It seems that you've already decided what to do, but don't expect to remain friends. Even if you and the older two DC's just show up for a few hours then drive home, it would surely be better than hurting a long standing friend who obviously cares very much about your children to be including them in her wedding party. YABVVVU.

comingintomyown Wed 01-Jan-14 15:10:12

Having read the thread through YABU OP

She has explained why they can only issue your boyfriend with an evening invite and actually I think that is quite a generous gesture really. Her history and relationship is with you and your DC not him however important he is to you.

I think it's rather sad that you would decline the invitation and your DCs involvement with someone who looked after your DC for five years and who you claim is a close friend over a man

nkf Wed 01-Jan-14 15:18:52

I have re-read your original post. I think you have manipulated your children's emotions into supporting your point.

namechangejustforthisone Wed 01-Jan-14 15:29:53

UnhappyWeddingGuest, I'm not unsympathetic, I have a background similar to yours in that my first dh also took his own life. I think it's impossible to understand the far reaching effects unless you've been through it. I can see exactly how you've got this out of proportion but I'm afraid you have.

You've worked hard to get where you are, you've dragged yourself out of bed in the morning when it feels like hell, and you've pieced together a life for you and your dc's, and found happiness again, which doesn't take away the pain of the past.

But for heaven's sake, if you really don't feel you can go to the wedding alone then either ask for your dc's to be seated with you rather than top table so you won't be by yourself, or tell her quietly that you are honoured to be invited but don't think you can face it without support. Put the emphasis on your position, and not on her decision to invite your dp to the evening.

Everything we do alone, that brings back memories, is scary, but the anticipaqtion is usually worse than the event and there will always be things you have to get through that you don't think you can face, but you do. You're stronger than you think. Your friend hasn't made an unreasonable decision or done something to hurt you,my feeling is that you should go to the wedding, be there for your friend, like another poster said just go for a few hours - drive that day and come home after the meal. You will otherwise come across as being very, very unreasonable and cut off a good friend, and you know you'll need good friends in the future.

But like I said, if you can't face it, then tell her it's because of your feelings and not because her decision is unreasonable. Tell her you understand even if you don't. And try to get a grandparent or someone to go with your dc in your place. Or explain it differently to your dc as having to do this to support as friend, and not as having to choose between this and their stepfather. I think if you go, you will be glad you did.

stephenisjustcoming Wed 01-Jan-14 15:33:02

namechange that's an excellent post.

redmayneslips Wed 01-Jan-14 15:41:27

I think namechange has the right approach for this. And people saying 'oh just suck it up and go and stop being childish' really do not have a clue as to how this may feel for you, especially if the bride was a nanny for you and your late dh, a lot of memories will be stirred for you.

And can I just say that many of the frankly odd approaches to weddings as evidenced here must be a very peculiarly British (English even?). I am not from the UK and have been to many weddings in my 43 years and have never been invited to one where I could not bring my partner. It is so sad to me that so many people have such mean spirited events. I agree with a previous poster who suggested that perhaps the venue should not dictate the event, rather the other way around.

Anyway, wishing you well OP, whatever you decide to do.

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 15:42:25

I don't understand how on MNet it's acceptable to invite single people with a plus 1 so they aren't on theor own and also acceptable not to invite an established partner because the bride and groom don't know them.

Crikey my dd is 15.5; one day she will have a wedding. There will be a budget and a guest list and I truly hope we don't offend anyone. Thee will also be a marriage (if she gets married) and I really hope that will take precedence over the party aspects.

RaspberryRuffle Wed 01-Jan-14 15:51:17

YAB so U. It's rude and presumptuous to ask if your DP can come.
An invitation is just that, accept graciously or not at all.

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 15:57:01

Weddings are a minefield for all involved.
Things I have learned over the years- either ALL children or none [no in between crap], check re plus ones if unsure. Sometimes single person happy on own, in ops case friend perhaps too wrapped up in her wedding to think of how op might feel; a common bride to be flaw...
Be aware as bride or groom that guests have arranging to do too and it is not just a free day out for guests/ a jolly.
Make sure all invitations go out at the same time [eg family members all get invitations on approx same day; oh the hassle if don't!].
I am sure I made mistakes at my wedding and I have not always behaved well re slightly snubbing seeming invitations.
BUT you live and learn...
Hope you sort this out op.

Nonamenonamenoname Wed 01-Jan-14 16:04:11

Aaah come on OP. You're really over labouring the point about how long it took her to 'find someone special' and how hard it was for her to do this and how quickly it's all happened.

Your nose is just out of joint isn't it? You've always felt like you had one up on her because you viewed her as terminally single, desperate and likely to end up an old maid whereas you have been married, had children and have a new partner.

I don't think it's the fact that your partner isn't invited that's getting up your nose at all. It's the fact that she is now in a relationship and is getting married and your boyfriend won't even move in with you. And you feel like you've lost the upper hand and somehow her not inviting your boyfriend is now casting you in the terminally single and a bit desperate role instead.

You just don't like it that you've lost the thing that used to let you look down on her and patronise her do you?

VelvetSpoon Wed 01-Jan-14 16:06:41

Sorry, you're being ridiculously unreasonable. There's no reason why you can't go alone with your DC. Plenty of LP like me do that every single day, indeed if I only attended events with a partner I'd never leave the house...I've been to weddings where I've known no-one other than the bride, and where I couldn't bring my DC so I really was on my own. Yes it would've been nice if I'd been there with someone but you make the best of the situation.

If numbers were tight, I'd probably only invite established couples to the sitdown meal, not someone's boyfriend I'd never met. I think it's quite understandable in the circs she's only invited him to the evening.

The worst part for me is how you've manipulated your DC, you shouldn't have discussed it with them at all.

namechangejustforthisone Wed 01-Jan-14 16:07:08

noname, do you know the op, or are you just horrible?

Delurkedforthis Wed 01-Jan-14 16:07:17

My word Noname you are one brave lady/man.

I don't know whether to high five you or be shocked. Either way, I hope you have a hard hat to hand!

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 16:09:43

A touch harsh Noname....

nkf Wed 01-Jan-14 16:10:53

I'm assuming that the OP has anxiety issues, hence the concern about being "alone" at a wedding.

cerealqueen Wed 01-Jan-14 16:13:10

God know how you came to that conclusion Noname ??

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 16:15:36

Crikey my dd is 15.5; one day she will have a wedding. There will be a budget and a guest list and I truly hope we don't offend anyone. Thee will also be a marriage (if she gets married) and I really hope that will take precedence over the party aspects

Sorry but it'll be your daughter and her partners guest list. Where's this 'we' from?

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 16:19:21

noname that was disgusting.

OP you are not being unreasonabe. In fact I would go as far as to say you paid this woman's wages for five years and there should be a little more empathy. She expects you to pitch up and attend; I bet she's not paying your travel exppenses or hotel costs but still doesn't have the grace to invite your significant other/partner. What would it cost her compared to yopur putlay iin relation to attending this special day of hers - very little I suspect.

I'd love youi to have the last laugh - oh go on, nip down the registry office, spend a couple of huindred quid and let her know you and your dp have gone through a life changing and fiundamentally important ceremony, privately and inexpensively, without making a song and a dance or spending four figures on a frock. It was a marriage and an important thing to you and your DP.

I don't think you are wrong in any wAy and I hope your eventual marriage is as successful or more successful even than this fair weather chum's wedding.

Delurkedforthis Wed 01-Jan-14 16:19:39

Sorry but it'll be your daughter and her partners guest list. Where's this 'we' from?

The 'we' will come from the fact that the parents of the bride may well be paying for it and will surely therefore be entitled to a say as to who comes. I would have hoped that the parents no longer footed the bill, but alas it ain't always the case!

namechangejustforthisone Wed 01-Jan-14 16:21:09

If you'd read the full thread, noname, you'd know that the op and her partner will be moving in together in the near future. You'd also know that they have been very cautious about introducing a new partner to the DC's, who have lost their father in a very traumatic way. It also won't have been easy for the OP to allow herself the happiness of a new relationship.

I doubt anybody who has lost a partner to suicide would feel lucky in comparison to someone who hasn't been through any such trauma and grief.

You're not a very nice person and haven't thought through the effect that your sneering could have on someone in this situation. Unless of course you're the bride? In which case perhaps the op wasn't being so unreasonable after all??

Delurkedforthis Wed 01-Jan-14 16:21:09

OP you are not being unreasonable. In fact I would go as far as to say you paid this woman's wages for five years and there should be a little more empathy.

Say what???????? Does this mean if I get married again (nay chance!!) I will have to invite all my former employers?

timidviper Wed 01-Jan-14 16:21:13

noname Did you mean to be so rude?

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 16:22:10

Weddings throw up different views. Eg, Family vs friends in pecking order. Know of weddings where things have got very heated as some favour Family [with a big EastEnders F] over friends and vice versa. I have been enveloped in fallout of that scenario.
Partners? Well think bride and grooms need to THINK and not just do blanket thing. Just because 'their day' does not mean they have the right to be thoughtless or uncaring. Sometimes just a little consideration would save so much hassle...
How are you doing op?

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 16:26:35

DeLurked forget Not, the OP might also be asked for a reference in the future. She won't probably give a bad one, but it might not glow. The only silly billy in all this is the bridezilla

justtoomessy Wed 01-Jan-14 16:30:12

I think you would be incredibly rude to not go and I think YABU about your partner. She has given a very good explanation as to why and informed you of that and to be honest it sounds like she doesn't really have room at the evening do but is inviting him as she is thinking of you.

She has not met your partner of 2 years so you really aren't that close a friend. I've been to plenty of weddings on my own and where I would not have known anyone there apart from the married couple so would not be offended by people not inviting a partner that they had not met nor one that I was living with.

You will be treating your friend appallingly if you don't you and are very much stamping your feet like a toddler on this issue!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 16:31:37

The 'we' will come from the fact that the parents of the bride may well be paying for it and will surely therefore be entitled to a say as to who comes. I would have hoped that the parents no longer footed the bill, but alas it ain't always the case!

Totally disagree. Both our parents gave us a contribution to our wedding, which was lovely and not expected. At no point did they ever tell us who to invite.

A gift should not have strings attatched.

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 16:33:02

Bride gave very brief/ not great explanation didn't she?
May have missed something.
I think op disappeared now.

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 16:36:03

You must have a different type of family to mine Pobble!!!!
Old Aunties and neighbours came as parents would have kicked off otherwise- and you know what... it worked brilliantly.
Yes 'my day' but also nice for older/ distant relatives/ cousins to get together and catch up. Nicer at a wedding than a funeral....

Delurkedforthis Wed 01-Jan-14 16:37:29

I wasn't talking about a contribution Pobble, I was talking about where the parents of the bride are effectively the hosts.

Having said that, I think it would be denote a little bit of immaturity on the part of the couple (perhaps to the extent that they were not yet ready for marriage) if they refused to draw up the guest list in conjunction with their parents.

Delurkedforthis Wed 01-Jan-14 16:38:05

Well said Sapphire

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 16:43:15

Yes I have a family who were happy to let us get on with it and not interfere and understood that their next door neighbours who I don't even know do not take precedent over our friends!

They had nothing to do with our guest list and didn't expect to.

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 16:49:34

My relatives interfered but it was ok!
Great Uncle Herbert, old Cousin Gertrude etc came and it was lovely to see them [names similar ilk to those I have chosen here!].
My Granny wanted her ancient neighbour to come- well I was a bit surprised but hey ho...
I think there does need to be give and take. My parents were generous, my Granny bought the flowers and was excited.
Some guests couldn't come and the extra requested guests slotted in fine.
A wedding needs some eccentricity!!!

flowery Wed 01-Jan-14 16:53:51

"Old Aunties and neighbours came as parents would have kicked off otherwise"

Goodness me, I'm glad I haven't got the kind of parents who "kick off" about this type of thing! Surely better to pay for your own wedding in that case?

Worried3 Wed 01-Jan-14 16:55:47

OP, while I understand why you want DP there, I think YABU on a number of counts. It all boils down to one thing- is this perceived slight more important to you than your friendship and the relationship she has with your children? If getting your way re your DP going is more important, don't go to the wedding and tell her your DC are not going to be part of the wedding. If not, go as planned and try to enjoy seeing your friend happy- even if it's not in the ideal circumstances you would like.

I don't think you should not have discussed it with children before DP- and you certainly shouldn't have made it into a "choose between godmother and your (soon-to-be)step-father". That is actually quite vindictive on your part. And may affect the relationship your children have with their godmother.

The bride has explained why she has chosen not to invite your DP- and that you're not the only one in this situation. You either accept that as valid, or you don't. If you don't- again, don't go.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 17:02:54

flowery - me and DH paid for our own wedding and we still had parents putting pressure on us with regards to who we should invite. My DH gave in to his parents demands and invited his mum's friend and her husband - neither of which I'd met and my DH barely knew them either. He certainly hadn't seen them during the 3 years of our relationship. But, his mum kept pushing for them to come as apparently when my DH was young they always put money in his birthday cards...... hmm

Me and DH got married quickly after he proposed and amidst all the stresses the guest list was by far the worst!! smile

onedev Wed 01-Jan-14 17:03:25

Has the Op disappeared?

XiCi Wed 01-Jan-14 17:04:43

You have clearly outed this poor girl who has absolutely done nothing wrong. She has clearly explained to you why she can't invite your DP and that it is the same for everybody. He does not live with you, she has never met him, I'm surprised that he even has an evening invite and from her email she has clearly only invited him to be thoughtful to you.

The way you have spoken to your children about this before your DP is shameful and you have probably ruined for them what would have been a very enjoyable day. Your DP probably won't even be bothered about the day invite, why would he be? He's never even met her FFS. I see no reason why you can't go ahead with your original plan for a weekend away and your DP amuse himself for a couple of hours, other than your own bloody mindness.

Youre likely to upset a longterm friend and your 2 children, who you admitted were over the moon to be bridesmaids, it's a complete overreaction

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 17:12:47

Doubt the op will come back....
Hope all gets sorted though one way or the other op if you are still reading.

flowery Wed 01-Jan-14 17:16:12

Same here Writerwannabe83 . We paid ourselves and MIL still took it upon herself to start inviting her mates to the evening do. grin Until we said "Ahem"!

I just think that if someone is accepting money from their parents and the parents are liable to "kick off" about the guest list, surely better to politely decline the money and be in a stronger position to ignore the "kicking off"

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 17:20:41

I think flowery I didn't feel strongly enough about extras to upset my parents and my Granny. We paid for a good portion of our wedding and wasn't an OTT affair.

nkf Wed 01-Jan-14 17:24:26

It depends on money and how tightly organised your wedding is. If you've gone in for seating plans and £50 a head meals then a few extras cause more hassle than if you are having a party at home and your mum is making the buffet.

SuperScrimper Wed 01-Jan-14 18:10:29

I'd never have invited someone I'd never met to my wedding.

OP, you sound like a spoiled brat. Your reply was not 'diplomatic' it was passive aggressive at best and downright rude at worst.

flowery Wed 01-Jan-14 18:16:53

Presumably it's likely that inviting partners whom the bride has never met would involve "bumping" several actual friends/family members she would like to have at her wedding. It's an interesting notion to think that's what she ought to do.

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 18:17:19

There were a couple of plus ones I had not met before at my wedding.
Must be more of an issue to some people than others....

flowery Wed 01-Jan-14 18:19:42

I had one or two plus ones I hadn't met, although actually only one of them turned up in the end. But I didn't need to bump a family member/friend to accommodate them so it was no problem.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 18:19:51

It's an issue to people who can't afford to pay for strangers to come to the wedding.....

lilyaldrin Wed 01-Jan-14 18:24:34

If you can afford to invite 50 people for dinner, then it is an issue if your choice is 50 people you know/love/are important to you - or 30 of those people plus their dates, meaning 20 dear friends are bumped.

SapphireMoon Wed 01-Jan-14 18:28:08

One of the most irritating bridezilla things I have heard came from a friend of mine. 'Basically a wedding is a free day/ evening out for guests' she said. Crap! It is an expensive experience for most guests and brides and grooms should be aware of that.
Maybe 2x nights at a hotel fine if whole family invited but bit 'oh sod that' and send excuses if partner or one younger child excluded.
It will bother some people on principle and others financially, or both, or not bother person at all.

PosyNarker Wed 01-Jan-14 18:29:01

I don't understand where the comments about having a cheaper venue to invite more guests are coming from. I would totally understand that if the bride was being unfair of inconsistent, but it doesn't seem that way to me.

Let's say someone has £10k for a wedding. It's surely up to them if they choose to spend that £10k on a luxury event for a small number of people or a buffet with several hundred extended family? As long as they behave consistently within reason (so not Auntie Sue can come but not Auntie Mary) I don't see the issue. People can size their wedding as they so wish and one of the ways they can do that is not to extend automatic plus ones to people they don't know.

To be honest I've been that plus one on a couple of occasions and I felt a bit of a prat anyway. Who wants to attend the wedding of someone they've never met? confused

QueenofallIsee Wed 01-Jan-14 18:59:05

I think that the OP is projecting her very raw feelings into the poor bride who, regardless of how well acquainted she is with your circumstances, is not actually able to read your mind. it is the norm for guest lists to be drawn up in favour of obligation invites and those who are very close. The bride acknowledged this in her invite and was clear it was a decision made for all guests. when you are in a better place you may look back on your reaction to this in shame so I would not be too loud in voicing your feelings of persecution. sorry for your loss but you are being a tad irrational.

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 19:14:07

In my experience weddings are about families and the joining of two families in a legally binding way. They are not and should not be just about the bride and groom and just about a party. Of course we will contribute, probably handsomely, towards our children's weddings. We will not dictate who comes but we would hope there will consultation and agreement about a nice way to do things. If either of our children kicked off or got demanding about work mates over and above their relatives who have known them since they were born I would be very disappointed and would feel that I had failed to bring them up nicely and properly. Actually I would be rather ashamed of them if that were to happen.

stephenisjustcoming Wed 01-Jan-14 19:24:15

I think a couple of factors involved here - the awful circumstances around the DH's death, and the complex nanny/family not-quite-family-not-quite-employee relationship - make it hard to apply the usual Wedding Rules about invites. But from everything you've said, OP, it honestly seems as if the bride has done her very best to accommodate your feelings in as far as she possibly can, and any perceived slights are just that, perceived.

I appreciate you must be feeling raw, but as you really are projecting a lot into what's probably just a tough practical decision. Even your 'diplomatic' email sounds a bit summons-y, to be honest. And putting the children in a position where they feel they have to choose really isn't fair on them; whether they go or not, their main focus is now going to be you, not their godmother on her wedding day, when she was trying to include them in a very special way. I'd even wonder whether her reasoning for the evening invite for your DP was that your friendship was forged at a time when your DH was part of the family, and that to be seen to be inviting your new DP in his place might seem insensitive?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 19:27:10

I don't think anyone said family shouldn't be nvited.

I read some wedding planning forums before I got married and threads repeatedly cropped up from upset brides to be who were contemplating eloping because their parents or in-laws were dictating the guest list with no regards to who the B&G wanted to invite.

It's all very well wanting family to come, but work mates or friends are also important, to the people getting married. What's not acceptable are parents insisting they invite their friends from the bingo who the B&G have never met over their friends.

Generally the advice was to elope or refuse all money and save up and invite who you wanted. Which I totally agree with. I think some parents can't see beyond the excuse for a big party and chance to show off, rather than their children's wedding.

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 19:37:46

Work mates are important but you know what Pobble at 53 and having been married for nearly 25 years - one of our old workmates who was at our wedding is a godparent and he came to the wedding because he was a very close friend. My boss at the time is still a close friend and DH has one other workmate we exchange Christmas cards with. At the time we could have invited about 20 work mates. They haven't endured. Our families and closest friends oth have. The neighbours that MIL and FIL invited now look at for MIL now that she is frail and I'm so glad they came and share that memory and a little more closeness with us.

We paid for our own wedding by the way and tried to be sensible. My mum paid for the flowers and the cake and my dad for the champagne I must add. I am glad we were sensible and I don't think we offended anyone. Boyfriends and girlfriends came, a friend with a new partner and her partner came.

Life moves on and it's important to mindful of what is likely to endure. We were slightly limited and did have to make some difficult choices but a life time on I'm glad we put family first.

DD probably won't have to make any compromises - she's likely to be able to have, within reason, exactly what she wants and we are lucky because at 15 she's an unwanty sort of girl - hopefully it will stay that way.

I still think the OP isn't being unreasonable and has taken a heck of a bashing on here.

lanbro Wed 01-Jan-14 19:41:47

I find it odd. We wrote a list of who we would invite then found a venue to accommodate. I think anyone in a serious relationship should be invited as a couple.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 19:46:08

I had ex work mates come to my wedding who I've known for years and are friends.

I remember my mil telling me her wedding was full of people she didn't know, and I find that sad.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 19:47:40

Hence we why didn't have any pressure from them or my parents.

Our whole families were invited, mind.

NearTheWindmill Wed 01-Jan-14 19:48:37

Can you stamp your feet as well pobble

LittleBearPad Wed 01-Jan-14 19:50:29

Define serious relationship though Lanbro. Is it length of relationship (if so what - six months, a year), living together, being engaged? A line has to be drawn somewhere. Where this line is will differ for people.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 19:50:32

I got annoyed that I was expected to pick family over friends, just because they were family. I had to turn away friends and colleagues in order to make way for aunties and uncles that I probably saw once every 2-3 years. In hindsight I wish I had stood my ground and only invited the people I really wanted there as opposed to trying to keep other people happy.

nkf Wed 01-Jan-14 19:55:50

I am thinking it might be best as a parent to pay nothing and say nothing. Or offer an amount you can afford and then say nothing. But, just not get involved.

nkf Wed 01-Jan-14 19:58:17

People seem to regard weddings (other people's weddings) as a ratification of their own relationships. Why should a partner get an invitation. Especially a relatively recent (2 years) partner? I understand it's rude not to invite the husband of a good friend if you know the guy. But in this case, the new man is a total - yes total - stranger to the bride.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Wed 01-Jan-14 19:59:30

This isn't about picking family over friends though is it? If we applied that criteria then the OP wouldn't be invited, never mind her partner, nor would the dcs be bridesmaids!

JugglingIntoANewYear Wed 01-Jan-14 20:01:28

I do agree there Writer - the whole wedding tradition of bride's side of family/ groom's side eg for pictures/ in church seems to leave out a very important group of mutual friends and colleagues - which especially these days with slighter more mature/established couples and more disparate families can be a very important group of guests.

Kitttty Wed 01-Jan-14 21:59:05

Dear OP - sometimes it is just the choice of venue where numbers are limited - so that there is a definite max number of people seated so no flexibility to extend? Or she may have decided to have an intimate blessing and meal?

If she is marrying later in life and her or fiance have a big family it might well have come down to your dp or a family member or close friend.

Please don't look at this with bitterness, take it personally or assume a decision was taken with any malice intended. This is a really tough and emotionally sensitive time of the year for anyone dealing with grief.

What is your ideal outcome? Would you still like your dp to go to the blessing and meal and then make a weekend of it as a family by staying over night?

If so drop her an upbeat card to say you are all really excited about the wedding but that you really need your dp for support emotionally and logistically on the day - so if by chance an aged aunt declines he would be waiting in the wings! I am sure that you will be accommodated.

I had a few people ask me if x,y & z could come with them to my wedding. I wasn't fazed - just said "no sorry - small venue - no cousins - just aunts and uncles"

If you just want to throw your toys out of the pram and assume "crass and insensitive" behavior - just go ahead.....but I think that it would be a hugely ignorant, insulting and an over blown reaction to withdraw the bridemaids/pageboys at this point in time from someones wedding - especially as they are so special to each other.

I also don't think it was inappropriate to have embroiled your children in this - they have no concept of social politics etc.

Sleep on it for a week......

UnhappyWeddingGuest Wed 01-Jan-14 22:18:28

Some responses are missing the point. I may be her ex employer, and my DCs are very close to her but I am also. The bride and I went on a girls holiday - just the two of us - for a week at the end of June. We had a great time. I wouldn't plan a holiday with someone I wasn't close to. She was single then, she has met her DP since.

I would have said that the bride and I have a great relationship. The bride doesn't know my DP because he works during the day and she tends to come to visit while on uni holidays, again during the day. If she stays over, he doesn't (no room). The bride has been at Uni for the last 3 years. There is nothing strange about it really. She lives 90mins away.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 22:22:53

But do you think it is fair to expect her to not invite a guest that she knows and wants there just so your partner can go?

lilyaldrin Wed 01-Jan-14 22:23:11

OK, you are close to her, and she has invited you, but she doesn't know your boyfriend and he isn't living with you. She was nice enough to invite him to the reception anyway, and she probably has no idea that you don't feel able to sit through the meal without him.

sweetmelissa Wed 01-Jan-14 22:32:45

I do feel for you OP, and can see how upset you are, however I really do think you are being unreasonable, and even (dare I say it) a little unkind to the bride who did write the email in explanation.

I also wonder if the sadness surrounding your DH's death could be making things extra emotional on both sides?

I think the part that I find the most unreasonable however is telling your children, who naturally support you and your feelings on this. That could potentially not just spoil the bride's day but the whole relationship they have with the bride, who they will now see as being unreasonable to their mum. That's such a shame.

I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Wed 01-Jan-14 22:54:00

I don't know what to do so I will wait for the invitation and see how I feel

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 23:07:38

Well I don't think that's very fair at all. If it is your intention to pull your children out of the ceremony if you don't get your way then it would be quite nasty to drop that on her a few months before the Wedding seeing as she will have paid for their outfits and assumed they will be in a specific role in the wedding party. I don't think telling her that your children will no longer be involved and then leaving her in the lurch at such short notice would be a very friendly thing to do.....

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-Jan-14 23:13:49

I agree. You cant wait until the invitations are out to pull your children from the wedding party! And it certainly will end your friendship if you do.

VelvetSpoon Wed 01-Jan-14 23:54:18

You are coming across a little bit snippy by pointing out how recently she met her DP. And the idea of waiting til she sends out the invites before saying not only will you not be going, your children won't be either (and therefore the money she will have spent on their outfits wasted) is actually quite nasty and petty. There seems a sense of entitlement here, possibly borne out of the previous employer/employee relationship. I get that you feel upset by the very idea of going to these things on your own but really has there been no similar occasion in the last 4 years (before you met your boyfriend) that you had to attend alone? What would you do if you were still single now? (plenty of people are single for 4 years or more).

The sensible, decent options are either you explain NOW politely that it would be too painful for you to attend the day BUT you arrange for another adult to accompany your DC in your place. Or you go, put on a brave face and get through a few short hours where you will mostly be eating, listening to speeches etc, and then your boyfriend attends in the evening.

Unless of course you don't want to have anything to do with her in future, in which case yes, wait for the invitation before you say anything...

Your boyfriend has never hosted your friend. Why should she host him?

She has a relationship with you and your children. I think she is graceful in extending an evening invite to him.

TheFabulousIdiot Wed 01-Jan-14 23:59:11

YANBU, speak to her.

I almost did the same to one of my best friends and I am so glad she had the courage to speak to me. I should have invited her partner, no question about it.

sweetmelissa Thu 02-Jan-14 04:36:43

OP, please make your decision now. Whatever the rights and wrongs of this situation it truly would be unkind to withdraw your children from the ceremony only after the invitations were sent out. As I am sure you are aware planning a wedding is very stressful, and having to make such a major change (finding others to take your children's place or maybe doing without whatever their 'job' was to be) would be incredibly difficult. As others have said the money issue alone would be a factor too.

So I really would urge you to decide as soon as possible, so you can let her know and give her enough time to re-arrange things. To do otherwise would be quite unkind.

Jomato Thu 02-Jan-14 06:09:27

If she is such a good friend then you need to take the decision she has had to make with good grace. People have to make difficult decisions when it comes to wedding guest lists. My attitude is always that it's a privilege to be invited to any part of such a special day for a friend and I'd make every effort to attend. I really can't understand why you can't see that you need to put your good friends needs first on her wedding day. It's not all about you.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Thu 02-Jan-14 06:16:36

I think that this couple think that after such a small space of time or getting married after approximately 6 months together and deem their relationship as serious, yet the op have been with her partner for 2 years and are seen as not important.

I wouldn't dream of not inviting a long term partner to my wedding.

I think you should discuss this with your DP as a first step as I think you are currently making a lot of assumptions on how he would feel/what he would do etc. He may suggest other options re. logistics you haven't thought of or may be able to give you the courage to do this without him to support the children.

After discussing with dp and reassessing how you feel, work out what you are prepared to do/whether you can cope with doing this alone if the bride says after speaking to her that there is no way she can fit him in, in the day.

Also talk to your dc again and explain that you are going to speak to the bride about accommodating dp, but if she really doesn't have the space for him (and assuming you have concluded that you definitely can't go through with this alone) that the bride would be upset if they pulled out/ has already spent money on outfits and ask if they would be able to do this for her but without you there.

Armed with a set of options, next you need to speak to the bride verbally (not via email) and ASAP especially as it sounds like your dc may not be prepared to go if you pull out and dress fittings have started already which means the bride is already in the process of paying for bespoke outfits for your dc. Please don't wait for invites!

When you speak to her explain the position you are in emotionally and how you can't (if you can't) yet cope with situations of speaking to strangers by yourself and that whilst you understand the issue of numbers and that she is trying to be fair to others too where she can't invite their partners too, you really need her to make an exception for you for these reasons in order for you (and dc?) to be able to attend.

Good luck OP, I hope you manage to come to a conclusion that everyone is comfortable with

Lamu Thu 02-Jan-14 07:12:46

I would say Yanbu but at the same time I kind of understand that numbers and finances are usually quite tight.

I'm of the opinion that weddings should be family occasions. I'm a bit hmm when bride ad groom assumes you need a 'night off' from your child etc. A recent wedding I went to had all the little ones in their pj's and onsies having a dance well past 10pm. smile

I have also been the uninvited plus one. I was quite miffed as I'd met the groom numerous times given that Dp and I had been together over 3 years, Dp attended without me. But another uninvited plus one made such a huge fuss that she ended up being invited in the end, they split some months later. I accepted the non invite but needless to say it was very awkward when we bumped into each other at various other weddings since and bride felt she had to apologise profusely for not including me.

ceres Thu 02-Jan-14 07:48:51

so many people seem to think this is normal.

clearly all the weddings I attend are in a parallel universe as not inviting partners, or plus ones to single guests, is considered very bad manners.

I was invited to a wedding once without my partner but I declined.

I recently attended a wedding without my partner. he was invited but chose not to go. and that is the key - he had the choice.

I remain resolute in my dislike of children at weddings. I cannot see anything cute in young children cluttering up the dance floor.

tbf if any of the weddings I have been invited to were like mn weddings I wouldn't have been to many. in rl there has never been an issue - get invitation and either accept or decline. if going to the wedding go prepared to have a good time and take wedding present (cash whether asked for or not).

we have two weddings coming up in 2014 and looking forward to them both.

redmayneslips Thu 02-Jan-14 12:59:26

I agree with ceres I must live in a parallel universe too!

And I think it is ludicrous to say 'your dp never hosted the bride, why should she host him', that must be one of the most mean spirited approaches to a celebration that I have ever heard. I am very glad that I will never be invited to some MM weddings shock

Weddings are a bit of a pain in the arse these days, aren't they? Precious bridezilla's for whom the posh venue is the be-all and end-all are sucking the life and joy out of them.

I would not consider attending a wedding where my partner was not invited and especially if I had considered either of the wedding party a friend, as opposed to a group work aquaintance thing.

flowery Thu 02-Jan-14 13:38:44

"*clearly all the weddings I attend are in a parallel universe as not inviting partners, or plus ones to single guests, is considered very bad manners."*

So in a situation where there are financial/space constraints, would you consider it preferable to ditch friends and family members in order to accommodate random strangers whom guests opted to bring as a plus one?

Luckily, no one I know is the kind to be offended if a couple would prefer to have people they actually know at their wedding rather than people they don't. Takes all sorts I guess, but I think for most people, ditching family members in favour of plus ones is more likely to be seen as bad manners than the reverse.

flowery Thu 02-Jan-14 13:40:27

Sorry, bold fail there!

Writerwannabe83 Thu 02-Jan-14 13:52:43

I agree flowery - I think the people who are so appalled at the concept of only wanting people at the wedding that the B&G actually know, are the same people with enough money to not have to worry about paying to feed strangers.

Anyone who thinks that close family and friends should be turned away in order to make way for another guests unknown 'plus one' is insane in my eyes. How is that fair or right?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 02-Jan-14 14:07:00

It's bad manners not to have plus ones now? Can people not go to weddings by themselves?

To be honest I would be a bit reluctant if I didn't know anyone else as I'm not that confident in making small talk. But we had single people at our wedding, they were there with other friends, why on earth would I have given them plus ones as well? How ridiculous.

flowery Thu 02-Jan-14 14:12:40

The thing is, if someone started this thread...

"I'm on a very tight budget for my wedding, can only afford to hire the village hall and my mum's making sandwiches for the reception. The hall can only accommodate x number because of health and safety, which is just enough for close family and old friends. All fine, however I have several people who will be coming on their own, and it has been suggested to me that I need to invite a "plus one" for each of them as not doing so is bad manners.

It would involve 8 plus ones, and would mean hiring a much more expensive venue, paying for more food and drink, and we'd have to go into debt to do it. Should I?"

...they'd be told under no circumstances to change their plans.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 02-Jan-14 14:20:31

Absolutely right Flowery.

I also think if the bride had written this from her point of view, saying how she was restricted in numbers but had invited one friend's boyfriend who she'd never met and friend doesnt live with, to the evening do as a compromise and now this friend was threatening to pull her children out of the wedding party because she wants an all day invite for him. Well it would just look like this friend was having a childish selfish strop wouldn't it?. Yes, that's you OP.

WooWooOwl Thu 02-Jan-14 15:13:11

Anyone who thinks that close family and friends should be turned away in order to make way for another guests unknown 'plus one' is insane in my eyes. How is that fair or right?

No one thinks that.

The idea is that you make a list of all the people you want to invite, think about whether any of those people will be happier on the day if they have a plus one, add the plus ones to your previous list, then find a venue that can accommodate everyone on your list.

If that means a less swanky venue or less swanky food then so be it.

Otherwise, you are basically saying that a pretty venue and a posh meal are more important that the comfort and happiness of the guests you are hosting.

Guests do deserve to be considered here, they add significantly more to any wedding than material stuff ever will. And it usually costs a fair amount of money to be a wedding guest, especially when there's travel involved. It's just plain rude to invite people to celebrate with you without considering their transport and accommodation needs, and sometimes it will be significantly easier and more pleasant for them if they aren't alone.

I genuinely don't understand people who want to celebrate their marriage with people who they don't feel are important enough to have their comfort and happiness considered.

flowery Thu 02-Jan-14 15:18:58

"Otherwise, you are basically saying that a pretty venue and a posh meal are more important that the comfort and happiness of the guests you are hosting."

That's making a huge assumption that financial or space constraints are automatically because the couple want a posh do. If they're already having a very bare-bones arrangement then not having lots of guests might be the only way they can afford it in the first place.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 02-Jan-14 15:20:14

The onLy reason I would invite a 'plus one' that I didn't know was if the guest I did know didn't know anyone else at the wedding - I.e without their partner they would have nobody else to talk to or sit with at dinner etc. I agree that it isn't fair to ask a guest to spend the whole day on their own. I can't work out if this is the case with op though? I may have missed it though if she has said she doesn't know anyone else who is going. Even if the op doesn't know anyone else maybe the Bride is thinking that as the children will be there as well the op does have company? I think the op should sit down with her friend and be honest about her anxieties, as hard as it may be, and maybe together they can fond a solution that suits them both.

flowery Thu 02-Jan-14 15:22:47

Oh, and suggesting that couples who don't feel able to invite random plus ones aren't considering their guests' "comfort and happiness" is nonsense and again making huge assumptions.

flowery Thu 02-Jan-14 15:24:48

Unless the couple are fortunate enough to be able to literally have unlimited guests, when compiling a guest list there always has to be a line drawn somewhere. Adding in complete strangers alters where that line is drawn.

redmayneslips Thu 02-Jan-14 15:38:17

I agree that lines have to be drawn somewhere when doing up an invite list but surely more sensible lines can be drawn than inviting one half of lots of couples instead of the same amount of actual couples.

When we were getting married we had a rough idea how many people we would like to invite (friends and immediate family on both sides) and then we looked for a venue that could accommodate this amount within the budget that we had set. As it happened the venue capacity was close to the upper end of our list so we made a decision that aunts and uncles on my side (dh does not have any) would be invited as immediate family but not any cousins and partners as I have a lot of cousins. This allowed us to invite the friends we wanted to invite and as it was a universally applied exclusion it was fair. I would FAR rather be told that my cousin X was getting married and my parents were invited but myself and dh were not than for me to be invited alone to it - that makes no sense to me at all.

Different strokes for different people I suppose!

flowery Thu 02-Jan-14 15:49:03

But some posters are advocating inviting plus ones, ie allowing even single guests to choose a random person to bring rather than disrupting their "comfort and happiness" by assuming they are grown up enough to attend on their own.

We did invite a couple of plus ones to our wedding, as I mentioned earlier. There was room at the venue, so although we were tight for money and the extra food/drink cost was a pain, we were happy to do it, and the plus ones were girlfriends of friends, although we'd not met them. Also, it didn't mean redrawing our "line" as moving the family line would have meant another 10 people, and moving the friend line would have been similar.

So for us, accommodating plus ones in our individual circumstances was doable. But assuming it is always doable for every couple and that any couple who don't allow unlimited random strangers at their wedding are rude and only doing it for a posh do is lazy.

NearTheWindmill Thu 02-Jan-14 15:52:58

I agree with ceres and redmayne too. >>waves<< from parallel universe.

The thing I don't understand is the evening party. That for all the wedding guests and a lot of extra guests must cost a lot of money taking into account the additional catering and hire of venue and usually a band. Surely if you have the budget for wedding party No 2, you could add that money to the budget for wedding party No 1 (ie, the wedding reception) and scale it down if you have to so that all the people you want to share the day with are able to attend one big party.

OK, that party might not be favours and doves and three course sit down meals with bubbly but it could be a nice stand up finger buffet with nice wine and a good Cava for the toasts. I think that's a much better way to spend the money than on two "do's" - one for the A list and one for the B list.

I think if you want someone to attend your wedding celebrations they come to the marriage ceremony and then the reception - and that that is better than being excluded from part of the day.

Some of the nicest weddings I have attended have been ceremony, buffet (probably two to two and half hours tops) followed by a dinner with close friend also attending the wedding afterwards, probably because we are all in a hotel together.

CoolJazz Thu 02-Jan-14 15:58:13

I had an invite to a wedding a few years ago and only only I was invited, not my husband of 10years nor my children.

It was an old friend DH had only met briefly a few times.

DH was fine with it, I went and had a nice time and he managed to occupy himself for the day without me.

No offense was taken.

Sometimes people have the luxury of space and money to invite everyone and their + 1s.

Sometimes people are restricted due to money and/or space and have to ask thier friends and families to understand why they can't invite everyone they'd like.

If everyone would just accept this and stop taking such offense when none is intended, it's just circumstance, weddings would be so much easier.

OP you're being unreasonable.

She has restrictions, so is inviting those people important to her, you and your children. Then she's invited the person whose important to you to the evening for you.

I'm sure if you looked at this differently you could enjoy the day with your DCs and be happy for her and look forward to DPcoming later.

It depends on how you want to view this.

You can actually decide whether to be offended or not you know.

redmayneslips Thu 02-Jan-14 16:01:12

I see what you are saying but I guess for us it came down to automatically counting each invite as 2 people so it was easy to count up and I would prefer not to invite the couple at all than to invite one half!

Perhaps we did not have many single friends at ours, or certainly did not invite people we were not in close enough contact with to have met their partners of 2 years (like the OP) - we drew the line there and invited close friends, not school or college acquaintances.

There were a few there that we had not met I will admit i.e. a very close friend of dh's who lives in the states and they have regular phone calls and emails travelled all the way with his girlfriend of 2 years at that stage. They were not living together at the time. I cannot imagine thinking to myself 'ok X can come because dh knows him, but his girlfriend Y cannot as she has never hosted us so why should we host her' - what a ridiculous thought process!

We did have to make some decisions about exactly who could come and if we'd had more money etc we may have had more casual friend there (we both know a lot of people) but we didn't and that was fine. For us.

NearTheWindmill Thu 02-Jan-14 16:09:09

I think cooljazz has hit it on the head. One has to cut one's cloth. If money/space is an issue then the bride and groom shouldn't try to emulate the fairy tale wedding with the couture frock and the doves and the champagne at the former stately home.

I think if people are on a tight budget nobody really minds not being invited if the wedding party is in the village hall with a bring and share reception. I think they start minding when the b&g spend upwards of £10k on froth rather than on being good hosts to their friends and family.

Still think the issue of a wedding has been deleted by the wedding industry. A wedding is about a marriage; a marriage shouldn't be about a lavish party.

TheCraicDealer Thu 02-Jan-14 16:14:33

Well I (and everyone else, I suppose, unless it's a sham marriage) only intend on doing it once. It's unlikely most of us would be in a position to do the same again, ever, even for a significant birthday. Therefore I'd like to hold it in somewhere nice that meant something to Dear Potential Fiance and I, and I'd also like a band and for everyone to get a nice sit down dinner with a few glasses of wine. I would not like to trade those things for inviting, say, my work colleagues' partners who I've never met when they can sit happily together, mulling over my choice of entree.

It's different if you're inviting someone who won't know anyone, or if they have additional needs where a plus one might be necessary for them to get the most out of the day. But on the whole, giving everyone the chance to bring someone along is a luxury most of us can't afford.

flowery Thu 02-Jan-14 16:14:41

That's the point though isn't it redmayne. It worked for you in your individual circumstances, and for us too. But that doesn't mean it's possible for every bride and groom and that they are all being rude if they can't accommodate everyone.

Couples getting married are often under huge pressure, from parents, from other family, budgetary pressure, location/ease of travelling pressure, guests who come a long way, guests with children, guests with whatever other requirements. Sometimes couples may be disregarding everyone else and being selfish. But actually sometimes they might not be, and the OP has given no information indicating that her friend is one of those who doesn't consider anyone else when planning her wedding, so I think it's a bit off to make that assumption. We don't know how many single friends she has, we don't know who's paying for the wedding and whether they are putting pressure on the bride about the venue, food and guest lists etc etc.

The only thing we know really is that the OP considers her a good friend and trusted her with her DC, ie she generally falls into the category of being a decent person. Isn't it more likely she is therefore also in the category of people who have constraints and are doing their best to keep everyone happy, rather than in the category of people who don't give a monkeys about anyone else?

WooWooOwl Thu 02-Jan-14 16:28:22

Redmayneslips, we did pretty much the same with inviting aunts and uncles but not all the cousins because there are so many of them. But we also allowed even single guests to choose a random person to bring.

If we hadn't done that then two of my loveliest single girlfriends would have had to travel quite a long way alone and stay in their accommodation alone, and it seemed obvious that they would enjoy our wedding more if they had someone to share it with. It meant that one friend brought a bloke she had dated three times and broke up with a few months later, and one friend brought another close girlfriend of hers. Both plus ones are lovely people, and it was a pleasure to host them because it helped people I care about have a wonderful time.

The budget weddings I have been to have always been the ones that are more likely to be able to fit an extra few people in because the receptions have been in function rooms or pubs or halls which have a very large capacity.

redmayneslips Thu 02-Jan-14 16:41:55

I think even with the best will in the world, weddings can be long days to get through, often with long delays as the bride and groom have photos taken etc. I would have no interest in hanging around on my own for all of this and then sitting alone at a table of couples during the dancing just because my partner was not invited for whatever reason. Better to just not invite either member of that couple IMO and make it a small wedding?

I will never get my heard around it being ok to deliberately leave a known-of partner out of an invite. I think it is slightly different to invite a known single person without a plus one if you HAVE to, (though we did not do this) but to knowingly only invite one half of a couple of 2 years (or however long!) is crazy to me.

I had one very close friend who was single when we get married, I invited her plus one but we were chatting about the wedding and she said that she would prefer to come alone as she would spend time catching up with old friends instead of minding a date for the night and we were fine with that, but it was HER choice.

And we had one very old friend of mine whose partner did not come and to be hobnest I thought it was rude of him not to, but he has gone on to confirm this opinion of him many times over in the intervening years, he is utterly selfish and would not put himself out for anyone, including her half the time.

EST0106 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:48:23

I agree with those saying look at this from the brides pov. Let's assume she is not on an unlimited budget and numbers are restricted, perhaps due to what the church/hotel will accommodate. Why should she not invite a family member or friend so that she can invite your partner who she has never met! I didn't invite some friends partners to my wedding due to tight numbers in the church I wanted to get married in, my family's village church I should say, not some posh pretty venue. I'm going to a wedding next month without my husband or dd, he has never met the bride, they're on a budget, why should he come, I think I'll cope for a day without them, and I'll be about 36 weeks pregnant! YABU

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 02-Jan-14 16:56:28

It's rather unfair to suggest that plus ones aren't invited because the couple are having a flash expensive wedding. Everyone has a budget, even village halls have a limited capacity.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Thu 02-Jan-14 18:11:37

I've had all sorts of wedding invites - with my dp, without him, to the evening event, to the full day. The type of invite hasn't had any connection I can see to the relationship I have with the people getting married, or how enjoyable the wedding was.
It can be a bit like with children - if no dcs are allowed, and someone sees some (not immediate family) ones there, they can be peeved at that. If you say one person has to be invited as a couple, then surely that means they all have to be.
Some people actually want an intimate wedding you know, where they can chat to everyone there and feed them a good meal.

ceres Thu 02-Jan-14 18:26:24

"I agree flowery - I think the people who are so appalled at the concept of only wanting people at the wedding that the B&G actually know, are the same people with enough money to not have to worry about paying to feed strangers."

if that is aimed at me you couldn't be more wrong. our wedding budget was extremely limited and we economised on so many things - my dress was v v cheap (and tbh not what I would have chosen in other circumstances), no bridesmaids, friend did flowers, no wedding cars, v cheap photographer (big mistake btw), made the cake myself, no favours etc etc.

venue was lovely, great food and plenty of nice wine..........and all partners or plus ones invited. and, shock horror, the odd friend of both sets of parents too.

Kitttty Thu 02-Jan-14 18:34:40

How the b&g want to spend their money for their day is up to them. The suggestion that you should lower the standard of your dream day to accommodate plus ones is in my mind ridiculous.

I wanted an intimate but glamorous wedding at a 5* hotel.

To achieve this meant that I chose to exclude my 60+ first cousins and their partners.....rather than have the traditional 300+ buffet at the church hall which is standard for my community.

All hell broke loose in the family when the invites went out to the aunts and uncles only - and has caused a major family rift for last 10 years.

I had the best day of my life - do not regret it one bit....people being bitter about how other people choose to spend their money just demonstrates ignorance imo.

ceres Thu 02-Jan-14 18:50:33

"How the b&g want to spend their money for their day is up to them. The suggestion that you should lower the standard of your dream day to accommodate plus ones is in my mind ridiculous."

please point out where I have suggested that others should 'lower the standard' of their day??

I was responding to a comment made by another poster that those who choose to invite partners or plus ones are made of money.

I am neither bitter nor ignorant.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:06:23

ceres - my comment wasn't specifically aimed at you, apologies if that is how it seemed. I was just making a general sweeping statement of my thoughts. However, fair play to you because there is no way I would have been prepared to go without bridesmaids and make other sacrifices just so I could afford to invite people's partners/parents that I didn't know. It may sound selfish, but I wanted my Dream Day. I don't see why the B&G should be expected to sacrifice their wants in order to invite/feed people they don't know. We invited an extra 50 people to the evening do on top of the people who'd been there for the whole day event - I don't know if any of them felt Like a B-List guest but I hope not. I would like to think that most people know that weddings are restricted by finances and space and that difficult decisions have to be made.

NearTheWindmill Thu 02-Jan-14 19:19:40

How can potentially offending people be any part of a dream day? That's the bit I don't understand. Wouldn'your day have been better if that hadn't been a worry? I remember thinking 500.00 cake or 100 cake. The expensive cake was glorious, the extra 400 left over from the cheap one meant more drinks for guests. I preferred to look after my guests.

NearTheWindmill Thu 02-Jan-14 19:23:38

Also, it's our 25th anniversary in 18 months and DH is determined to celebrate it in style. 25 years on we are still in touch with family and my school friends and DH's uni friends and some very close friends from that time. We are in touch with about 4 of the looser contempraries from that time of the 20 or so who came. Although we have of course met new friends and neighbours in that time who are now very important to us.

Mia4 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:27:27

YANU to feel disappointed OP but YABU when the bride has made it clear that they've had to draw lines, something most brides nowadays have to do with H&S restrictions and cost (and grooms-why is it everyone forgets the grooms since this will likely be a joint decision and applicable to all friends? Sometimes I think even if it were the groom who was the friend somehow the bride would be the ultimate to blame.).

For whatever reasons people have to draw lines, I've had to ask several of my friends DPs to come in the evening only- 1 I've never met, 1 is only 3 weeks in at the moment and 1 is a controlling wanker (not happy to cut him completely is i could). If I didn't draw that line, I wouldn't be able to invite all my close friends due to venue restrictions in size. I would rather have my close 25 friends (some with equally close partners) then have to invite half that number with people i don't know. I could have cut all children I suppose, which would have been better in somes eyes but I interact with the children invited more then i have the DPs.

Though I did also to everyone face-to-face straight up so they were aware before invites went out which made people happy.

I have to go by venue size because I'm getting married somewhere i love, can afford and has restrictions and no, my friends DPs aren't as important to me as they are to them. The ones who are invited are. If they don't want to come they don't have to. I accept that and I accepted it when DP wasn't invited to a fair few weddings and I wasn't either. In all honestly, for some weddings I was relieved since DP played an active part and I'd barely met the wedding party. How do you know your DP won't feel as uncomfortable if he comes? Your kids will be busy and you may also be, he may be left hanging around uncomfortable while everything is going on- just as it would have been (and was in one case, much as the invite was appreciated) for me.

Personally, I could have gone for another venue but then it wouldn't be the one my parents and grandparents got married in and that's very important to me. I'm having those I love come and if my friends DPs want (minus the controlling wanker hopefully) they are very welcome in the evening when we can open the doors and have more space.

With wedding, someone will always be upset. Every member of the wedding party will be stressed/upset at some point and some guests will be too.

I've seen people upset because:

RSVPS were missing or late
People didn't turn up
Weddings were kid free
Gift lists weren't included and people had to search
People though some guests/wedding party members made it all about them
Some guests/bridal party were wankered

You can't please everyone OP. I suggest you talk to your partner and decide what you want to do.

Mia4 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:31:04

NearTheWindmill you will still always have that worry. My friend thought he'd covered all the bases. Some people didn't turn up who he'd catered for, some people brought plus 1s without asking, some people decided that since they had a partner 2 weeks before the event they should bring them. And the worst, someone brought their new DP of 3 weeks without askign or checking and it turned out to be the wankered who'd really hurt and messed up the bride's sister.

You can plan to suit everyone but someone will always, always be upset, They may just not tell you.

Kitttty Thu 02-Jan-14 19:31:20

You cant please everyone - so you should please yourself.....

I preferred to look after 80 special guests in 5* style rather than diluting the experience to 300 at a church hall buffet.

Our day, our money, and knowing that I had looked after everyone who was important to me = DREAM DAY - if some random cousins scattered across the country got in a huff - I really still don't give a shit. Avoiding offending my 60 + cousins and their OHs by celebrating my marriage with 300 at a church hall buffet would never be an option.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:31:27

I wasn't worried about offending people - I had about 5 'singles' comes to my Wedding without inviting their partners, even though I had met some of their partners. When they had got married I had been I voted but my husband hadn't - it really wasn't a problem. Space and money mean the B&G can't just invite everyone they want and their partners too, it just doesn't work like that in all situations. I could only have 29 guests on my side, should I really have invited the 5 partners of my friends, taking up a total of 10 of my spaces, and then have to reject 5 other close friends or family members because there was no longer space for them?

I honestly am surprised that some people genuinely expect the B&G to make their Wedding day be about pleasing the guests as opposed to being about them and having the day they have always wanted.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 19:34:12

We invited colleagues to the evening reception, and I think they had a good evening with free drinks and cake in lovely surroundings on a summer evening. Hopefully because they were all colleagues, who also lived locally, no-one was put out. I don't think it works so well if people are invited to the ceremony and then back for the evening after an afternoon of hanging around - but depends on the company they have (eg. could work with a group of friends, and the location/what they can find to do)

sykadelic15 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:18:09

In the US it's common (at least in my area) to send invites to "X and family" and they'd fill in how many people on the RSVP. This utterly shocked me.

I ensured everyone's name was on the invite. I allowed SIL to bring a friend (and sent an invite to her specifically). Anyone over 18 got their own invite (even if living in the same house). Anyone who was married had their spouse invited. If you were not married your boyfriend/girlfriend was not invited unless I knew them (though we had a relative invite her bf anyway and they broke up a few months later... he didn't have to come, her entire family was there).

I received an invite from someone with PLUS 8 written on it! I nearly died of shock and called them to find out who else was coming. They didn't understand the concept of place settings (so I needed to know who).

My MIL invited her WORK COLLEAGUES! We told her no, they came anyway (and honestly they gave us the 3rd largest gift so it wasn't like they were just eat-and-run people).

My other SIL had her friends come for a drink in a pub nearby then invited them in to come and eat. I was paying per plate because I had to resort to a buffet style because I simply couldn't figure out who was going to come.

I also had people RSVP no, and still come. Or RSVP yes and not come. I was told to assume 20% above the RSVP count. I had 30 or so people come to the actual wedding, 85 people ate.

My wedding was nothing like I planned. So many of my guests wanted to do their own thing and it's really really selfish.

NearTheWindmill Thu 02-Jan-14 20:27:58

Mia I think I can put my hand on my heart and say I don't know anyone as rude as some of those you have described. Our friends would simply not have behaved like that.

Mia4 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:43:30

Nearthewindmill. So in the past could my friend, he was as shocked when he confessed to me. These friends are lovely and I'd never have believed if if I hadn't seen/heard it. As I said weddings bring at the worst, as often do big events. I can guarantee you will piss someone off, however accidentally, or they will piss you off. You make think you've covered all bases- no, it just won't happen however much you plan and hope.

In the case of them, you may never hear it or may hear it much later and usually it's the people who are the nicest and you least expect who behave badly or who you upset.

Hopefully you will only have/had one or two unlike his many, then again his were all related so it's unsurprising they all take after mum and dad who led the way in shitty behaviour.

I can put my hand on my heart and say I know no one so rude - or rather I could have a year ago. You still wouldn't believe it if you hadn't been there, some can't having not been there- they were guestzillas though, big time. As for inadvertently offending, you would likely never know and your guests would want to keep bitching from you so I don't think anyone can put hands on heart there. You can hope, as I will when I get married, it probably isn't true though.

whattoWHO Thu 02-Jan-14 21:19:18

I can understand why the thought of being at the service and meal on your own might seem daunting.

I can also understand why your DP has 'only' been invited for the evening reception.

But, to be honest the it seems to be your own feelings that are hurt, for the impact on your enjoyment/comfort on the day, rather than how your DP might feel insulted by his lower status invite.

Surely there is a simple solution? All drive to the area together Fri eve. You and DC do the ceremony and meal while DP relaxes (plenty to do in Uckfield). Ask if DC can be seated with you at the meal. DP then joins you in the evening and you all stay over.

No need to cause drama/upset bride/involve DC in decision-making.

Preciousbane Thu 02-Jan-14 21:40:49

I have been to two weddings without DH he was my fiancée for the first and then my DH for the second. It just didn't occur to me at all that it was a problem.

NearTheWindmill Thu 02-Jan-14 21:51:43

We didn't have an evening party. We had a late wedding at 4pm, everyone got to the reception at about 5.30 after photo's at the church and a 10 minute drive. We had some more pics until about 6 whilst the guests had drinks (there was a string quartet) and everyone was on the lawn because it was a very warm and sunny day. We sat down for dinner at 7, finished I guess at 8.30ish - speeches were nice and short - spring quartet struck up again, drinks and chatting - and we left at 10.30! One party - nothing over the top - job done. Nothing OTT. No uninvited guests - one "no show" but he had been admitted to hosp with a kidney stone the night before.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 02-Jan-14 21:54:05

Our Wedding started from 10.30am - it was a long day!! Quite a significant part of our budget was spent on entertainment to ensure the guests didn't get bored grin

UnhappyWeddingGuest Fri 03-Jan-14 02:35:53

So today I took all of the advice suggesting I approach the bride by phone rather than leave it hanging unresolved.

Bride was totally oblivious about the stress it had caused me and hadn't invited DP as she thought it was a casual relationship because we don't yet live together - even though she will not be living with her DP until they are married.

Bride and her DP accepted our invitation to celebrate their engagement.

I can only hope that the invite now includes him.

Happy to report that my anxiety levels are now much reduced.

SapphireMoon Fri 03-Jan-14 07:53:14

Good luck op. I think talking to bride to be was the right thing to do.
Hope all gets sorted out.

SoupDragon Fri 03-Jan-14 07:53:59

I just want to point out that Nonamenonamenoname isn't me. I suspect there may have been some confusion.

Cabrinha Fri 03-Jan-14 08:52:44

I can boy hope that the invitation now includes him

You might be setting yourself up there for disappointment.
Why are you all meeting? Because you genuinely want to celebrate with them, or because you're angling to have your boyfriend with you at the end?

It just doesn't sound like you're the close friends you think you are. Sounds like a lot of the time you've known each other it was as employer, not friend, even if it was nice to think of her as part of the family.

This would be my test of friendship: if after this meal together she still, for cost reasons, didn't want to extend the invitation to your boyfriend that she'd met once, would you still care enough about her to want to be at her wedding? If not, I wouldn't bother with the engagement meal.

Mia4 Fri 03-Jan-14 09:05:59

I agree with Cabrihna.

I can only hope that the invite now includes him.

The invite already included him, as an evening guest though.

It's very unlikely she'll change her mind just after meeting him once, they're on a very tight list after all and there's bound to be people they are friends or know who will take priority over him. You'd be better setting yourself up for not actually having him there and seeing if they do manage to get him in.

What happens if he's still not invited? Because it sounds like you are only doing this meal for his sake, to get him invited to the day rather then catch up with the bride and introduce DP. It will probably make for a very uncomfortable meal if you have those expectations and they will have to express the issues again.

On the complete otherhand, what if they don't like him? Or he doesn't like them? Have you spoken to your DP about it at all? He may not even want to go because he doesn't know them and may not know many/any others.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Fri 03-Jan-14 10:26:01

.I bet the bride's anxiety levels aren't reduced though, if she having to rethink her budget/seating plans or risk having her (generous imo) offer of having your dcs as bridesmaids rejected!
It just seems to be all about you OP, I'm not sure how much you realise this. Of course a non-living-together-but-planning-a-wedding relationship will be viewed as serious, whereas a dating one may not be! This of course says nothing of the success of the relationship and you and your dp may still be together long after their marriage ends (possibly - not wishing for it!)
I think you view everything through the light of your personal tragedy which is perfectly understandable for you, but not for the bride-to-be.

givemeaclue Fri 03-Jan-14 10:33:36

Ok so bride sees your dp as your not very serious boyfriend, rather than your life partner. That does explain it.

ZillionChocolate Fri 03-Jan-14 11:18:16

Please don't assume anything unless it's crystal clear.

Kitttty Fri 03-Jan-14 11:30:14

Well done OP. You did the right thing. It is v brave and constructive of you to pick up the phone when you are emotionally v stressed - especially when you are unsure if your stance is rational as you must have wondered - otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

I am glad you feel relieved. Ignore the sniping here - dont get drawn in. You have done everything you can at this point - do not engage in it any further. Spend your finite energy constructively - enjoy your children and dp.

I am glad you are all meeting up. But I think that if the bride did not confirm on the phone that she would change the invite - you should just be prepared and ACCEPT her decision - what ever it is....and go with the flow.

CrapBag Fri 03-Jan-14 11:38:52

You should prepare yourself in case it doesn't include him. FWIW, YWBU not her, you keep making these little digs about how she was single in June, but now getting married, now the fact that they won't be living together until after they are married. You have made yourself look petty and childish.

I didn't invite my cousins BF to my wedding. She was 17, he was the latest one although I think they had been together about a year, I had never met him, she had cheated on him, they weren't living together. The fuss that created (because she lied to everyone saying I had invited him the disinvited which was not true) still carries on 11 years later. We don't speak, it took years before her mother spoke to me again (once she realised that cousin had lied). No one in the family thinks much of her. It was also a case that if I gave her a plus one, I would have had to for my other cousins too and we just didn't have the capacity for a load of plus ones. Weddings don't always. You either want to celebrate her (note her day not yours) or not. You can manage to sit somewhere for a few hours without your partner.

My friend went to a wedding recently where her DH was the best man so sat at the top table, she knew nobody else. She didn't throw a tantrum though about being with strangers, she got talking and got to know some other people.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 03-Jan-14 12:25:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 03-Jan-14 12:27:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiggyOBE Fri 03-Jan-14 12:38:19

Simple solution. Quickly marry your DP. He'll get invited then.

SapphireMoon Fri 03-Jan-14 12:44:41

I am with Kitty on the fact you may just have to go with the flow now.
Hopefully she will invite dp, but she may not and you need to be prepared for that.
I am going to a wedding on my own [though will know many people there] and dh looking after children and not going. Bit of a kerfuffle about this wedding but I think generally people don't want to make the sort of fuss that will cause feuds for years to come.
[That is not to say that everyone is happy!].
Enjoy your engagement celebration meet up and try to 'go with the flow' from now on. Good luck!

WooWooOwl Fri 03-Jan-14 12:55:50

Did you make it clear when you spoke to her that the problem was that you couldn't reasonably ask your DP to have (and pay for) two nights away just so that he can go to the evening do, and that if he can't come to the whole thing hell either be sitting around all day or you will have to do all the travelling separately?

I think this bride needs the logistics spelled out to her clearly, because she doesn't seem to consider these things on her own.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 03-Jan-14 14:25:35

If you are as close as you say, how does she not know you are serious? I don't buy it that is all it is because you don't live together as neither does she with her fiancé and you have been together longer.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 03-Jan-14 14:32:13

Your DP may still not be invited to the whole day. What are you going to do if he isn't, as pulling your DC out after the invitations have gone out (and therefore after the dresses have been bought) would be a very mean thing to do.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Sat 04-Jan-14 01:25:24

When invites out I will update. Probably about 4 or so weeks

onedev Sat 04-Jan-14 01:31:03

All the best Op.

SapphireMoon Sat 04-Jan-14 07:27:24

Hopefully you will know before 4 weeks up.
The minefield of weddings eh!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 04-Jan-14 18:54:20

On what grounds are you making your more hopeful he will be invited comment? What has changed? Is it because she now knows he is your long term partner?

cingolimama Sat 04-Jan-14 20:54:12

OP, you CANNOT wait until the invites are out if your intention is to withdraw your children from the ceremony if your DP isn't invited to the breakfast. Please, either:

1) go with the flow and accept with good grace and generosity the bride's wishes and actual invitation on offer, rather than the one that you'd prefer.

or

2) Give the bride plenty of notice that you can't attend, nor can your children.

Could I nudge you in the direction of no. 1?

arethereanyleftatall Sat 04-Jan-14 21:00:51

Totally agree with cignol.. Above.
You are being exceptionally rude and thinking about your own wishes rather than hers. You are essentially wanting her to kick someone else out of the wedding breakfast, possibly an actual friend or family, in favour of someone she has never even met,?!? Ludicrous.

Haven't read all of the thread but to me it sounds as though you are being extremely childish.

She has explained to you why she can't invite your partner to her wedding and considering you neither live together and he has not met her you must understand her reasoning.

The wedding is about her, not you and it is your problem to sort out the logistics for your family and not hers.

SapphireMoon Sun 05-Jan-14 09:35:03

Weddings bring out the worst in people- those who invite and those who are invited.
I think the bride and groom should think about logistics for guests though not be beholden to them. 'My day' should not result in thoughtlessness.
I think it is hard sometimes to accept where you are in bride and groom's pecking order [happened to me recently though I am sucking it up].
For op I think she has explained her position to bride but does need to know if partner is invited asap if him not going means she and her children will pull out.
Is your partner op happy to just go to evening do? Is he aware of situation now? [sorry if this has been explained up thread].

Mia4 Sun 05-Jan-14 11:25:09

But SapphireMoon , the bride has already explained her position to the OP and hasn't offered a change in invite, she's left the invitation as evening only. The OP cannot have said 'if DP can't come, we won't be able to' or the ride would have said there and then that she'd try and change things and let OP know or would have got royally pissed.

I don't think it's thoughtless to need to draw lines. It's nice to invite your ex-employer's kids to be in the wedding party and invite the ex-employer friend as well. It's not thoughtless to prioritise a close family or friend over a plus 1 whom you've never even met. If you give everyone a plus 1/2/3 of their partners, their kids or extended family then unless you both have a tiny friend and family circle or unlimited funds your never going to get anywhere.

I don't think this affects the OP at all in 'pecking order', it does her DP but having never met bride or groom why would he be 'up' on it? I'd rather, and have been, invited to a wedding and have DP come later or vice versa. In fact it was a relief when DP went on his own and I went down with others i knew in the evening, I'd have been so uncomfortable and on edge knowing no one when DP was running around doing wedding stuff- just as OP and her kids will be doing. I had the uncomfortablenss at one wedding and I would have preferred to go in the evening.

Sadly, weddings do bring out the worst. Sometimes it's bride and groomzilla, sometimes it guestzilla/s. Once even MILzilla and bridesmaidzilla/s. Emotions run high, people get upset and annoyed and entitlement runs amuck. Usually on the day, weddings do bring out the best of people though.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Sun 05-Jan-14 12:38:36

I think this will certainly end the friendship, but I don't think the OP is bothered about that tbh. Which is a shame as there must be closeness there, picking someone as a bridesmaid is a big deal imo!
Not much point posting though as a month will pass before OP does anything about it. I too would love to know the DP's actual feelings on this.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 05-Jan-14 12:47:38

I don't think the OP has thought about that if her DH does go to the whole day he will be bored whilst her and her kids do wedding things. Her DC will need to be in all the photos, be in the right place etc.

When my DH was best man I did a lot of hanging around waiting for him.

If the bride has already worked out numbers then its not about the OP paying for her DH to go, venues only have a limited capacity. It may be that someone can't go and maybe the DH can be bumped up to the day, who knows.

I think now the OP expects a day invite, which may still not happen. So instead she's going to pull her DC out after the invites have gone out if this doesn't happen, which seeing as her DC are part of the wedding party is quite selfish and will end the friendship.

Reading the OP's replies I get the impression she isn't reading anything anyone has written.

WooWooOwl Sun 05-Jan-14 12:55:56

I don't think it's any more selfish to pull children out of the wedding party than it is to ask a whole family to travel and pay for accommodation for your event and then declare one member of that family as not important enough to be invited to the whole thing.

If having the children in the ceremony is that important to the bride, then she will invite the whole family.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 05-Jan-14 13:01:03

So the bride should potentially not invite a close friend or family member for the OP's DP? Who the bride has never met and thought that it was a casual relationship.

Yes it is selfish, the wedding invitations will go out only a couple of months before the wedding by which time dresses will have been bought and fittings will have been had. If she wants to pull them out she should do it now before the bride and groom waste more money.

NearTheWindmill Sun 05-Jan-14 13:08:30

Agrees with WooWooOwl. If the bride was really a good friend of the OP I think she would be a bit more mindful of the OP's feelings and take into account that the OP and her children lost their husband and father in recent years and that the OP has been lucky enough to meet a serious and significant other since then and has been able to turn her life around. Nevertheless weddings are still emotional, the OP and her children are travelling and helping the bride and taking into account all the circumstances I think it would be entirely appropriate for the OP's partner to have been invited to the full day. Actually I think if the bride only wanted to invite half of a partnership then she probably shouldn't have involved or invited the OP at all. I think what the bride has done is more offensive than not inviting the OP.

When I was single I attended weddings on my my own knowing few people on occasion - I have also attended weddings of DH's employees and colleagues where I have known nobody. It really isn't difficult to chat with other guests at a wedding and find something interesting to talk about. I would expect most guests to be capable of that.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Sun 05-Jan-14 13:27:16

When does a boyfriend become a partner, and member of the family?
I'd imagine people go slowly with these things especially where there are dcs involved.

NearTheWindmill Sun 05-Jan-14 13:36:39

Well, for us if a friend had a serious boyfriend or girlfriend at the time the invitations were sent they were invited as a couple.

Hard for me to comment really because I think weddings where guests are invited to different parts are wrong and discourteous anyway. If someone isn't important enough to be invited to the marriage service and the reception, why invite them to an extra and expensive evening do if they aren't important to you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 05-Jan-14 13:51:24

But the OP said that until she spoke to the bride, the bride thought it was just a casual relationship. She's never met him so how would she know? I wonder how close friends they actually are.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 05-Jan-14 13:58:52

Exactly, Pobble.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 05-Jan-14 14:00:01

It is like the OP has forgotten she is not the Bride's boss anymore and has no say over what she does in her own life.

jacks365 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:10:52

Thats the question when does a boyfriend cross over from being a boyfriend to being a member of the family and to me that would be at some form of public declaration ie getting engaged or moving in together neither of which have happened in this case. The op might consider her bf to be a significant part of their lives but there is no outward sign to the rest of the world that this is so.

Op if you pull your dc out after the invitation is received then ywbvu.

WooWooOwl Sun 05-Jan-14 14:14:50

I don't think it makes that much difference if the relationship is serious or not. It's about the guests ability to enjoy the event alone versus with a plus one.

If someone you want at your wedding is going to feel awkward and have a logistical nightmare with transport and accommodation if they are alone, then that should be important enough to the hosts that they offer a plus one.

yetanotherstatistic Sun 05-Jan-14 14:22:33

You haven't found time to meet the groom up til now so you can't be that close. To extend an invitation now that the invites have come out in a thinly veiled attempt to get your dp invited to the whole day is embarrassing IMO. What if everybody tried that tactic?

The bride was upfront about why she couldn't invite your DP, you should have made it a condition of the dc's being bridesmaids if it is that critical. Don't leave it until the invites come out to withdraw the bridesmaids - if you haven't said anything to her she will assume not inviting your bf is ok.

yetanotherstatistic Sun 05-Jan-14 14:24:35

You haven't found time to meet the groom up til now so you can't be that close. To extend an invitation now that the invites have come out in a thinly veiled attempt to get your dp invited to the whole day is embarrassing IMO. What if everybody tried that tactic?

The bride was upfront about why she couldn't invite your DP, you should have made it a condition of the dc's being bridesmaids if it is that critical. Don't leave it until the invites come out to withdraw the bridesmaids - if you haven't said anything to her she will assume not inviting your bf is ok.

yetanotherstatistic Sun 05-Jan-14 14:24:36

You haven't found time to meet the groom up til now so you can't be that close. To extend an invitation now that the invites have come out in a thinly veiled attempt to get your dp invited to the whole day is embarrassing IMO. What if everybody tried that tactic?

The bride was upfront about why she couldn't invite your DP, you should have made it a condition of the dc's being bridesmaids if it is that critical. Don't leave it until the invites come out to withdraw the bridesmaids - if you haven't said anything to her she will assume not inviting your bf is ok.

MrsFeathersword Sun 05-Jan-14 17:08:11

I still don't see why the transport and accommodation is a "logistical nightmare" in this case though confused
Wouldn't it be easier actually for the DP to stay behind to mind the 6 year old? (Won't someone think of the children ?!)

CrapBag Sun 05-Jan-14 19:48:27

I echo what someone else said, be interesting to know what your dp actually thought. That's conveniently not been disclosed.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Thu 09-Jan-14 01:18:20

The bride has now said "yes DP can come as I hadn't realised you were properly together"

I drafted 101 responses from particularly pointed to flippant, deleted them all and then simply thanked her for extending her hospitality to include DP.

WooWooOwl and
NearTheWindmill

and a few others thank you for reading every thing

Jomato Thu 09-Jan-14 05:33:10

I'm glad you have got your own way in the end because I'm sure your children will enjoy the day.

There are clearly a lot if people on this thread who have read everything. It's interesting you only thank those who agree with you. It would seem to me that says a lot about your character.

I feel quite sorry for your friend, she sounds lovely.

Thumbwitch Thu 09-Jan-14 06:12:33

"It's very unlikely she'll change her mind just after meeting him once, they're on a very tight list after all and there's bound to be people they are friends or know who will take priority over him. "

But it could happen - when friends of mine got married, initially they weren't going to invite DH (then only DP) because they hadn't met him. I knew a lot of the guests so it wouldn't have really mattered. Then the groom (who was more my friend) came round one day and met DH - and subsequently we had a revised invitation for the whole day for both of us. Which was rather lovely of them, I thought. smile

Thumbwitch Thu 09-Jan-14 06:13:29

Oh crap, HOW did I miss the last update??

Very glad for you OP. smile Hope you all enjoy the wedding.

Chippednailvarnish Thu 09-Jan-14 07:04:34

Your poor friend has gone to the trouble of rearranging the seating, the catering and incurring the extra cost of accommodating your DP, who she's never laid eyes on before and you're still moaning...

diddl Thu 09-Jan-14 07:50:55

Bloody hell OP-grow up!

You got your way & still your immediate response wasn't just "thank you".

With "friends" like you...

LittleBearPad Thu 09-Jan-14 07:54:23

Why did you go through various responses? I'm glad you settled on simply saying thank you - you should be bloody grateful. As diddl says - grow up.

MrsFeathersword Thu 09-Jan-14 08:20:42

I doubt the OP will enjoy the wedding. She will find they aren't seated right beside each other, or something like that.
One of the most entitled attitudes I've seen on mumsnet for a while.

Iwillneverusethisnameforpostin Thu 09-Jan-14 08:34:39

I drafted 101 responses from particularly pointed to flippant, deleted them all and then simply thanked her for extending her hospitality to include DP

On what POSSIBLE grounds could your response have been anything but gracious. What the fuck was there to be particularly pointed about? You made your point; she admitted her mistake (not sure it was the most horrendous of mistakes myself but still) and reacted appropriately.

Unhappy there is no doubting that life has dealt you some funny cards and it seems you are coping bravely and well for the most part but good grief it seems you can be hard work at times. Other people have issues too you know.

Enjoy the wedding....PLEASE!!!!

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 09-Jan-14 09:01:47

Well, I'm very pleased to read this latest update, particularly regarding what has actually now been offered and accepted.
I hope you all have a really lovely day and weekend smile