To be upset that DSDs didn't buy me a present ?

(57 Posts)
Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 22:38:45

I have known them for 15 years..they rang me on Xmas day to say they loved was our family Xmas day..they bought their father a pressie but not me.Nobody has said anything . Not even DH. They didn't even get us a card.WTF?I just shut myself away and carried on cooking dinner but v upset ..even more upset the DH hasn't said anything..what would you do?

Oakmaiden Fri 27-Dec-13 22:41:13

They rang you on Christmas Day to say they loved you? Wasn't that the best present?

How old are they?

DwellsUndertheSink Fri 27-Dec-13 22:42:26

having them phone you to say they love you - what a priceless gift you received! Would you rather have had smellies from Boots? or some scarf that wasnt really you?

corlan Fri 27-Dec-13 22:43:01

I would forget about the lack of a present and be very proud and happy that they had phoned me to say they loved me. fsmile

NatashaBee Fri 27-Dec-13 22:43:06

YANBU - bit slack of your DH not to check whether they'd got something.

lookingforwardtonewyear Fri 27-Dec-13 22:43:30

I'm just surprised you are surprised mine never even bothered to get their dad anything.

Chippednailvarnish Fri 27-Dec-13 22:44:08

Mmm, depends how old they are.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Dec-13 22:44:45

what has happened in previous years? does their dad normally buy something for them to give you?

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 22:45:29

25 and 27!

SlinkyB Fri 27-Dec-13 22:46:19

My 14yo dss didn't get his Dad anything. We don't say anything, but I am disappointed (for dh).

How old are they?

FredFredGeorge Fri 27-Dec-13 22:46:31

So presumably mid / late teens? - how much money do they have to be buying loads of people gifts - they phoned you to say they loved you! Why is that not more than enough?

I'm pretty surprised you're upset - why do material presents matter so much?

VeryExasperated Fri 27-Dec-13 22:46:41

They should have got you something, even if a small token. You can get very thoughtful gifts for less than £10 even, if you put our mind to it. And I presume you got them something? I'd be delighted to be told I was loved by them, but can completely understand your being hurt. Try to remember the lovely phone call though.

AlfAlf Fri 27-Dec-13 22:47:23

How old are they?
My dc didn't get me anything, I don't mind, but they are probably younger (6, 8, and 14).

SlinkyB Fri 27-Dec-13 22:47:51

X-post. Eek, 25 and 27 eh? I would actually expect a little box of chocolates or something tbh. Oh dear, I'll not be holding my breath with dss then! smile

AlfAlf Fri 27-Dec-13 22:50:33

Sorry just saw their ages. YANBU. Try not to let it ruin your day with them though. Maybe mention it to your DH when they've left and he can drop a hint in future?

AlfAlf Fri 27-Dec-13 22:51:50

What did they get their father btw? Is it something that might be for you to share? <clutching straws>

pigletmania Fri 27-Dec-13 22:52:11

Yanbu surely if they loved you they would get you something as well as their father, you known them for 15 years. I gather they are adults as you known them for 15 years

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 22:52:54

We gave them money and I bought them stocking fillers. They don't have a lot of spare cash I know but I can't get over the fact that they thought it was Ok to leave me out...and DH s reaction is even worse..if that was me I'd be apologising on their behalf.

Tanfastic Fri 27-Dec-13 22:55:03

What do they normally do?

We always buy for my FIL's lady friend of 15 years, even though they don't live together. I think it's a but odd but I suppose its not if its the norm for them.

TheOnlySevenSleighbells Fri 27-Dec-13 22:55:36

YANBU. You can buy a nice box of chocs or a bottle of wine for well under a tenner. Do they usually buy you a gift?

VeryExasperated Fri 27-Dec-13 22:56:51

YANBU They are old enough to be more sensitive and considerate. Your DH may just not have taken it in. I don't think men notice presents really. The girls don't need a lot of spare cash to make some effort. But am feeling very raw myself at DSC's attitudes, so am maybe not the best person to comment!

Xmasbaby11 Fri 27-Dec-13 22:58:25

They phoned and said they loved you. That is far more important than a present. I wouldn't read anything into the lack of present.

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 22:58:28

I've always got a present before...Dhs present was something personalised so obvs not for both of us...I sound horribly materialistic I know, but I'm just fphurt and I say anything to Dh or do I just let it go?!

TBH I think they should have at least bought you some wine or chocolates to say thank you for cooking let alone anything else!

But as others have said -what did they bring your DH? Do they normally give you something?

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 23:01:58

They got him a personified mug and a diary relevant to his something fairly cheap but thoughtful

Caitlin17 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:02:28

YABU. As guests they should have brought a bottle of wine/flowers/chocolates for the hostess but can't see any reason why you should expect a present.

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 23:02:40

Personalised not personified!!

Sorry - x-post there.

Chippednailvarnish Fri 27-Dec-13 23:03:07

I'm not surprised you are hurt, that's very inconsiderate of them.
I would raise it with your DH, after all if you didn't get them anything I bet they would be upset.

onlysettleforbutterflies Fri 27-Dec-13 23:03:50

Yanbu I too would be a bit hurt if my sc didn't get me even a token gift, especially as you are doing all of the cooking etc. However I would be delighted to have a phone call like that from them, you do obviously mean a lot to them.

Tanfastic Fri 27-Dec-13 23:05:08

If they normally buy you a gift and didn't this year then I think you've got a right to be upset and wonder why.

It is a little bit odd.

VeryExasperated Fri 27-Dec-13 23:06:33

You don't sound materialistic; you sound hurt, and quite understandably. My inclination is to be delighted that they love you, and they told you so, and to go out and buy yourself a treat as clearly you are a splendid SM. Do you think a joint present of money comes over as being more from your DH, or only from him? Just a thought.

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 23:09:38

I just feel like I can't win...I know if I mention it DH wil be all defensive..but how can he have not noticed was soooo awkward cos we did the whole giving out presents thing and watching each other unwrap them an then i was sat there ... When I went into the kitchen I thought he'd follow and say something like "Don't worry etc." ..but nobody has said anything...feel such a mug

I disagree Caitlin - Primadonna I think it is understandable you are hurt. If you have been exchanging gifts with anyone for a number of years and then for that to stop with no reason (but your OH to still get a gift) then yes, totally reasonable to think Huh? WTAF?. Especially given the age of your DSDs. Even a Lindt chocolate reindeer for a £1 would mean something - some effort, some thought.

And it is not just a quick lunch on a Friday - but your family Christmas Day. I would say something to your DH.

thecatfromjapan Fri 27-Dec-13 23:12:14

I think your dh needs to say something - and not necessarily to them, but definitely to you!

I'm guessing you feel overlooked. The 'phone message sounds sweet but I think there is something a bit sad about watching someone else open a present and feeling left out.

I don't tend to get presents for my husband's parent's partners, to be honest but I do often get something that can be shared by them both. That said, when they had significant birthdays coming up. I made sure there was a pesent. BUT they don't have very much to do with dh and his family. (You'll have noticed that it isn't dh running around getting presents ...).

I think your dh should have been there giving you some hugs. It strikes me that the daughters matter a bit to you BUT that it is your dh's silence that is really upsetting you. Does he take you for granted? I'm thinking that it might well be you doing a lot of the practical relationship-building between your dh and his girls, or that you have been there, being loving, for a while now, and you want this reciprocated. Not just by the girls but by your dh. Is that near the mark?

What are you most hurt at? The lack of present? Or the fact that DH did not say anything?

I am total queen of x-posts today!

Bashingabrickwall Fri 27-Dec-13 23:15:47

YANBU - I would have been happy with a little something from Poundland (or any other store, lol). It's the thought that counts after all.

thecatfromjapan Fri 27-Dec-13 23:17:16

By the way, this Christmas I opened the most crap present from my mil. It topped the present of a pencil that she gave me one year. And surpassed the many years when I've not been given a present at all. I think it drew even with the second-hand ("vintage") lipstick she gave me. (Seriously. A used lipstick.)

Usually, I say nothing. It is just too awkward. And I worry that it is materialistic of me to care. However, this year, I did say that I thought it was a bit odd. Dh informed me that, for my mil, i was difficult to buy for. She didn't know me. I hadn't made enough of an effort to get to know her.

I have been known dh (and his mother) for almost 30 years now.

I choose her presents, from him.

I think I detect in your posts a disappointment with your dh similar to my own.

cees Fri 27-Dec-13 23:17:55

God I really would have to say it to dh how pissed off I was. They were very rude to leave you out like that, its bad manners.

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 23:18:21

Yes you've both got it right...girls being thoughtless hurts but I can deal with that but I think DH should know what it means to me and be upset on my behalf ...or at least acknowledge it in some way...but I guess as long as they all got their dinners everything was alright in their world

cees Fri 27-Dec-13 23:20:17

thecatfromjapan, it's time you left your dh to buy his own gift for mil. Take the money you would spend on her normally and treat yourself.

thecatfromjapan Fri 27-Dec-13 23:25:06

Primadonna - it's not OK. It's pants that you ran/run around doing all the practical things that make life lovely, and make people feel warm, comfortable and loved - and that practical love is not acknowledged. I am angry on your behalf. I really am, actually.

Something bizarre has happened to me this year, and I think it is the fault of mumsnet grin: I have become all grumpy, and developed a whole new sense of "I have bloody self-worth, you know". I am passing it along to you, now. When you dh and his daughters are flopping around, being loving, they bloody shouldn't exclude you, because you've been slogging away, making it happen. And your dh needs to acknowledge it - with words or actions. Your labour was just that - work. and work of a peculiarly tricky and subtle kind: emotional needlework.

good for you for doing it - and I hope you get some acknowledgement for it.

thecatfromjapan Fri 27-Dec-13 23:26:04

cees - that is what I thought this year, actually. I feel it is the Power of Mumsnet working in me. grin

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 23:26:51

Think I will say something to Dh tomorrow but calmly..don't want to let it fester, which it will given how I feel right now.

Primadonnagirl Fri 27-Dec-13 23:28:38

Thankyou thecatfromjapan ..more kindness from a stranger than from my own family!

VeryExasperated Fri 27-Dec-13 23:29:36

the cat - please tell us what your Mil got you this year. The pencil is hilarious.

thecatfromjapan Fri 27-Dec-13 23:31:44

Veryexasperated - It really was hilarious, to be honest. But I can't because I worry that people who know me come on mn and I will blow my cover utterly.

VeryExasperated Fri 27-Dec-13 23:36:20

Thecat - Shame - but I do understand.

Val007 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:37:42

YADNBU - it is hurtful. I think I understand you are upset because of the lack of thought and gesture. Maybe a mug for you as well? It is the thought that counts. Regardless of the 'I love you's on the phone. Sorry, OP...

SlinkyB Sat 28-Dec-13 22:20:00

How did you get on chatting to dh today op? Hope you're ok.

Dawndonnaagain Sat 28-Dec-13 22:53:40

I always bought my Step mother a birthday present and a Christmas present. She was a wonderful woman who cared a great deal. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, Primadonna and yes, I think you need a gentle word with your dh tomorrow.

happygirl87 Sun 29-Dec-13 13:29:19

YANBU. I buy my DSM a bday gift and card, Christmas gift and card and Mother's Day gift and card. I take DSD to buy Father's Day and bday gifts and cards for DP, and I help DSD and DP choose and pay for bday, Christmas and Mother's Day things for DPs ex (DSDs DM). Throughout the year I buy little things for DSD, from pjs and day trips to favourite foods and schools shoes, as well as buying bday and Christmas presents. I even buy a Christmas present for DPs ex's DM (DSDs Grandma) as she does a lot of childcare and I see her quite often at pick up etc.

For some reason DPs ex does buy a present for Christmas for me and DP (usually shared) from her and DSD. But does it occur to anyone (even DP) that I might like (a tiny, cheap, token, homemade) something on bday or Mother's Day from DSD just to show that she has thought of me? No it does not. sad

Primadonnagirl Mon 30-Dec-13 18:45:57

So I had a word with Dh expected he completely defended them...they don't have much money..the present he got was only from one of them etc..I don't care anymore...I have been brought up to have manners and I know that this was rude..and the last year I will buy then anything

Chippednailvarnish Mon 30-Dec-13 20:13:59

I'd be shelving his next present as well, see how he likes it...

thegreylady Mon 30-Dec-13 20:39:40

Yes they were rude and thoughtless. Not only do I receive birthday and Christmas gifts from adult dsc but they are equivalent to what they buy their mother.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 30-Dec-13 20:45:43

Next year don't bother cooking. (Personally I'm off for Christmas 2014, started saving already..).

I'm still waiting for my DS's Xmas present, he said he ordered it to be delivered to his uni ;-)

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