Aibu to wonder if alcohol plays a part in some responses on the AIBU board

(85 Posts)
CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 15:21:26

I'm sorry but this really needs saying. I've seen, over time, offensive and downright nasty replies to the poor, hapless poster with the 'AIBU' issue.

This is on my mind right now as I was in this situation last night having posted a fairly innocuous problem. I was called precious, odd, told to get out more, that I should start a hobby, pushy, controlling, 'ffs get over yourself', rude and condescending, to get professional help, aggressive, shallow and facile...

None of my posts merited this on this particular thread. At least I don't think so.

I remained polite on the thread and decided not to respond to --the idiots--offensive posters. I had some lovely replies too, mind you.

But the level of rudeness and personal insults!

Look - I am no wilting violet and can deal with this. But I am curious as to why people do it. Perfectstorm summed it up brilliantly and I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her here:

...posting on MN in a way calculated to belittle and demean others as a way of not-too-subtly validating yourself is evidence of a deep and grounded nature? You'll forgive me if I take your proclaimed set of values with a fairly sizeable pinch of salt, on the sole evidence available to me here.

So - is it alcohol? Or posting via the comfort of anonymity? Or should I be magnanimous and think that these people have bitter and twisted lives?

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces Fri 27-Dec-13 15:26:42

Sometimes some of the nasty, mean spirited posts on MN shock me. I have no idea whether it's alcohol or bored people with too much time on their hands, but I never fail to be surprised.

I suspect most of the persistent offenders ate keyboard warriors, and either would be far nicer or far less outspoken in RL.

I'm sorry you had such an awful time flowers.

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces Fri 27-Dec-13 15:27:22

are keyboard warriors!!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 27-Dec-13 15:27:24

I don't think anybody posts on AIBU for 'help'. It's a well-known board for being feisty not at all bunfighty and isn't meant to be serious. There are specific other boards for that.

I don't believe most of the threads and posts in AIBU but believe that most are fuelled by boredom and perhaps topped up by alcohol. I'm teetotal...

LCHammer Fri 27-Dec-13 15:28:34

I didn't see your thread but going by your last paragraph here you do appear rather rude and insulting (the bitter and twisted comment). I haven't had any alcohol since 7 Dec, in case you're wondering. And, yes, it was with other MNers that evening smile

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 15:31:43

I think my last comment is remarkably restrained considering what I have been called (see references in my OP). Apologies if that offends you.

Rachelx92 Fri 27-Dec-13 15:32:04

Or some people are more honest and opinionated than others? I do agree some people can go a step too far with their comments but having someone disagree with you doesn't make them an alcoholic bully

FortyDoorsToNowhere Fri 27-Dec-13 15:32:43

There is a lot on boards on this forum, I don't want to sound like aibu police but if you require let's say a relationship problem then post in relationship.

I like posting here and TBH I love the bluntness of the replys, no sugar coating ( although I do like a bit of fluffiness now and again)

TheCrumpetQueen Fri 27-Dec-13 15:33:13

I think some people are just cunty.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Dec-13 15:33:26

I'm sure alcohol plays a part in some of the threads- the ones where once one poster says something loads of others join in trying to outdo each other with their witty put-downs aimed at belittling the OP. Don't get me wrong, plenty of OPs are totally BU and deserve to be told so, but some I feel get dealt with harshly when everyone "piles in" - its a bit like schoolgirl bullying, wanting to be seen as fun/in with the popular girls.

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 15:33:31

Don't mind at all about posters being honest and opinionated - but this was a different level.

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 27-Dec-13 15:34:09

I've noticed a few posters are always unpleasant.

AIBU seems to have a mob mentality.

Not sure it's alcohol, but it could be.

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 15:34:52

I guess I wasn't prepared for that, phantom. And maybe I should have been.

koTinkaBell Fri 27-Dec-13 15:36:54

I think some posters enjoy the bunfight aspect of aibu and only go on to let loose at other people in a way they couldn't in person. it's cowardly imo.

Upcycled Fri 27-Dec-13 15:38:21

Yes, it is the bullies.
They don't show their true colours in the RL.
They should all flounce to BullysN.ett

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 15:38:24

Something I meant add to my OP is that quite often I see 'I am too scared to post this in AIBU' over on Chat. In fact there is one such thread there right now.
I understand now. It's too much. Look - a bit of rudeness is fine. A bit. But being called precious, odd, told to get out more, that I should start a hobby, pushy, controlling, 'ffs get over yourself', rude and condescending, to get professional help, aggressive, shallow and facile..

It's TOO much. I can see why folks don't want to post in aibu. This was my first non-light-hearted aibu and it...well it has made me wonder why people are like that.

I don't think it's alcohol. I think people have shit lives and when they get the rage they come on here and take it out on people. There was one I saw yesterday whose replies to the OP about her parenting were just so rude and I looked at the posters history (tut tut) and they could have done with following their own advice. Blatantly just posting to try and upset the OP.

ImperialBlether Fri 27-Dec-13 15:41:14

On a lot of MN sections I think I'd really like to meet the posters. They are so witty and clever and thoughtful. When I read AIBU, I tend to think I wouldn't like to meet the posters. In fact I'd cross the road to avoid them!

I don't tend to notice usernames, given how often people change their names, so I don't know whether these are the same people who change their posting style from board to board, but I wish they would just keep the same name and post in the style that suits their personality most so that I would know who to avoid.

firesidechat Fri 27-Dec-13 15:42:21

I think there is a very small percentage of people on MN who see AIBU as a license to be rude.

I don't mind the straight talking that is a feature of this site and it can be helpful in some circumstances, but on just about every thread someone, at some point will overstep the mark. Just like real life really.

It is impossible to know whether alcohol has anything to do with this though. Some people are just more blunt than others and to blame the demon drink is a bit unfair. We are also reading words on a page, without having body language to interpret, so many posters may not have meant to be offensive. It just reads that way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 27-Dec-13 15:42:48

Well some posters refer to others as 'cunty'. To me, that's not nice. On a sliding scale, it's up there with 'twat' and it's worse than being called 'precious' or being offered a 'grip'.

I think it all depends where these words fall on your own personal barometer. I also think, just like school, it depends very much WHO says them.

Nobody is really too scared to post in AIBU, they just prefer wherever it is they're posting. It's a bit feeble to say that in anything other than jest and I always assume the poster is being 'tongue in cheek'. We're adults and there are posting guidelines. People DO get reported and deleted for stepping over the line and most posters don't 'run with the crowd'.

I affiliate to nobody but like and enjoy reading most posters on MN.

Rachelx92 Fri 27-Dec-13 15:44:17

People are defo braver online than face to face. A woman got caught out lying on another mum site about what she allegedly said to someone to their face when she actually said fuck all to them so that was interesting. There's a thread going atm though where the op does sound like a self absorbed princess but that doesn't justify nastiness

WorraLiberty Fri 27-Dec-13 15:45:21

Well I was going to say YANBU and perhaps (especially given the time of year) a lot of posts are alcohol fueled.

But then I read the thread in question and I have to say you were quite rude and patronising yourself imo.

Starting a thread in AIBU with the words "I'm not sure I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable"....and then patronising people with "Sigh - are we all listening?"

Well let's face it, that was never going to go down well with anyone...drunk or sober! fgrin

firesidechat Fri 27-Dec-13 15:46:56

I slightly disagree WitchInTheWardrobe. There are definitely times when I have indeed been too cowardly to risk the bile on AIBU.

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 15:49:43

Oh dear. It was frustrating that I had to repeat myself. Hence the 'listening' reply. That was a rude as I got. Sorry you had to read the original thread. You'll never get back that 10 minutes!

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 15:50:22

That was an answer to worra.

FutureDreamer Fri 27-Dec-13 15:52:48

Blunt = fine

Spiteful = unacceptable

There are a select group of posters who go out of their way to be unpleasant and deliberately hurt the OP. I tend to assume they are dull, miserable women who are pretty unsatisified with their lot and feel their days has improved if they can publicly belittle someone.

WorraLiberty Fri 27-Dec-13 15:54:56

It's ok, I sped read it so I'm only down by about 5 minutes grin

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 15:56:17

<pours first wine of the day>

<cracks knuckles>

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 27-Dec-13 15:57:40

It's not full of bile, firesidechat. You don't believe that really because... here you are. grin

Some of the threads are absolutely ridiculous and cannot in any way be construed as 'serious'; they're akin to 'AIBU to put ketchup on my chips?'... Oh drama, drama! If somebody is really too afraid to post on AIBU, given that most posters will adjust their tone if somebody is really upset, then perhaps that person should consider another board - relationships or chat or similar?

I've seen 'cutting' responses and had my bottom flamed quite often. I blot my tears and either reframe or explain what I meant or have a break.

I think some people live out their lives in online for a more than they do in reality. Their choice to do so.

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 15:57:41

Oh dear god,clamber down from that there ivory tower.hold your pomander tight
People give a range of responses,that's the pleasure/'d be unlikely to elicit them in rl
Alcohol,I think not given aibu runs 24-7. Don't post and then wail when no likey responses

It's the op who then meticulously goes back to thank supporters in bold,and sniffily rebukes responses they don't like

BIWI Fri 27-Dec-13 16:00:16

Well, having wasted 10 minutes of my life reading that thread, you referenced having over-indulged, so being less able to articulate your own views. So I think you are BU.

And also rather needy. Why bother to start a second thread? hmm

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 16:01:51

Is it worth me reading it?

NewYearsHeave Fri 27-Dec-13 16:01:59

I'm always taken aback by some of the replies people get on here. It's very much the behaviour of keyboard warriors who enjoy the opportunity to stick the boot into someone else, with a good dollop of pompous sees thrown in.

The most up yer backside reply to an OP I ever saw was "you need to be clearer when you're AIBUing to ensure you get the correct response".

Last time I checked AIBU wasn't a verb in its own right fgrin.

So no, OP, I don't blame alcohol. I blame folk who just enjoy being a dick to people on line.

MudCity Fri 27-Dec-13 16:02:12

Agree with you CaptainTripps. I have been shocked at some of the responses I have read on threads. The lack of empathy shown to people in difficult situations, who are seeking reassurance and a bit of comfort, particularly upsets me.

Not sure whether people's negative responses are fuelled by alcohol or by other issues. However, to respond in a nasty, unsympathetic way, I think, says everything about the person responding and nothing about the OP.

My view is that if I cannot say something in a positive, constructive way then I won't say anything at all.

One day these people may be in need of the empathy they have failed to show others.

WorraLiberty Fri 27-Dec-13 16:03:23

Lying, Happy Christmas and New Year by the way!

I keep meaning to PM you but I've been either too drunk or too hungover to bother fgrin

<< Sorry for hijack OP >>

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 16:03:46

I think you're stewing and have an inability to let go op,hence your post
I very much doubt anyone has a bitter and twisted life,that's your excuse to demonise them
Wasn't in your aibu but see you are also making assumptions,just like others did.


NewYearsHeave Fri 27-Dec-13 16:03:50

Oh bugger. Didn't see thread had moved on in the hour of time it takes me to post from my phone.

Vivacia Fri 27-Dec-13 16:06:11

Worra said what I was thinking.

I think that sometimes people are genuinely surprised at being told, "Actually, you are being unreasonable" and just won't accept it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 27-Dec-13 16:07:04

<< sniffs at Worra whilst holding Laura Ashley bone china teapot aloft...>>

"Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" to you too, you old soak! fgrin

Rufustherednosedreindeer Fri 27-Dec-13 16:07:15

Wouldn't bother exit

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 16:11:31

No, exit. Absolutely not. grin

koTinkaBell Fri 27-Dec-13 16:11:55

I've seen threads like that vivacia, where you wonder why they bothered asking in the first place. but I've also seen threads descend into uncalled for personal attacks when an op refuses to accept the majority opinion. I don't see a need for people to get nasty, just say what you think and if op is stubbornly fixed in their opinion, no problem.

firesidechat Fri 27-Dec-13 16:12:05

It's not full of bile, firesidechat. You don't believe that really because... here you are. grin

I'm here because I'm not emotionally invested in the responses. I would definitely think twice about starting my own thread about something I cared about. I'm not as thick skinned as some posters and it may not be full of bile, but it only takes one inadequate to turn up on your thread to cause hurt.

My daughter only tends to go on the pregnancy forums, but even she commented on how nasty some people can be.

Vivacia Fri 27-Dec-13 16:13:51

You're right Tinka the OP gets nasty 'cos they don't like the advice and other posters get nasty 'cos they don't like that the OP's not taking advice.

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast Fri 27-Dec-13 16:14:59

Ah, smiling again. All is well smile

Rachelx92 Fri 27-Dec-13 16:15:48

Ok I just read most of your other thread and replies. In all honesty you were being rather rude to those who disagreed with you

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 16:19:22

This is how aibu goes,op invites opinion.doesn't like some responses,so they must be cunts
Then bemoans aibu, mn and world gorn to dawgs.
A few ole timers pile in to is,oh gosh yes it's dreadfully combative.not like ole days

koTinkaBell Fri 27-Dec-13 16:24:16

sm, or

op asks,
several posters post almost identical opinions,
a shitload more pile in, repeating what's already been said
op disagrees and gets pounced on,
the thread shows up lots in active convo's so another shitload of posters jump in and start slagging off op without bothering to rtft.
mayhem ensues.

Rufustherednosedreindeer Fri 27-Dec-13 16:26:41

OP you are right that sometimes there are very unnecessary replies on AIBU, I have also seen one set of replies one week and virtually the opposite way the next

However, I doubt it's drink, it's much more likely to be the safety of anonymity

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 16:28:42

Was it always thus? I'm sorta newish. Came late to the boards.

koTinkaBell Fri 27-Dec-13 16:29:43

pretty much, but I've only been here a few yrs.

koTinkaBell Fri 27-Dec-13 16:42:18

I just read your jumper thread, tripps, it's really not that bad a response compared to some, you have maybe 2 posters there whose comments ought to have been reported. there were a good number of people who understood your point of view. just ignore and report pa's, not worth getting upset over them brew

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 17:00:07

Yes on mn some feel we should act like chummy gerls in 6th year,be like them or else
Fall in line and say oh Hun/this too will pass/ltb/your house your rules/update please
Much is made of oh bet they wouldn't say that real life.missing the obvious mn isn't real life

thought that was the whole point of AIBU, in rl you ask friends they will say 'o you were right, poor you' thats why you ask on here so if you were a cunt you will get told you were a cunt, if required smile

NewtRipley Fri 27-Dec-13 17:12:14

I think it is sometimes alcohol. Stands to reason. It makes some people uninhibited, in RL and OL.

I dont think alcohol is a factor at all.

At any time of day or night posters jump in ready with a snide remark or bitchy put down as they see fit.

Your thread was inviting to some looking for a chance to have a go and re- gifting your clothes to your mum then you getting miffed was manna from heaven.

NewtRipley Fri 27-Dec-13 17:17:38

I think it is one factor

I'm sorry but this really needs saying. I've seen, over time, offensive and downright nasty replies to the poor, hapless poster with the 'AIBU' issue

Sorry but I'm sniggering at ' poor and hapless ' to describe posters. You're referring to yourself.

In real crisis posters support the OP and respond well with support and guidance.

We all have different views , some are more blunt/rude/ sympathetic than others.

For what it's worth I'd never put a real life serious dilemma of my own on AIBU,

scottishbelle78 Fri 27-Dec-13 18:42:24

I agree. I also think many op are posted ui alcohol.

PointyChristmasFairyWand Fri 27-Dec-13 18:43:08

I've been on MN almost 4 years and have found AIBU to be very variable - bit like many of the other boards, really. There's a spectrum of OPs and responses:

- Where the OP is goady and really rather asking for it - like the one who came onto AIBU, announced she was a new MNer and asked us all to please stop swearing because it wasn't ladylike. Sorry, but she deserved everything she got

- Where it starts out reasonable and degenerates into a bunfight - benefits threads, bf/ff threads are pretty typical

- Threads where the OP is BU and accepts the grip/alternative perspective (s)he is offered

- Threads where people are genuinely supportive and express themselves using the full range of the English language - like the support I got a few years ago when I had a rant about my Dad having Parkinsons and how shit it was. Having my own feelings reflected back in my own terms was more comfort than any number of hugs and huns would have been.

You need to be a bit tough for AIBU, but slating it as a lot of alcohol-fuelled witch hunts is a bit much. <sips whisky>

DeepThought Fri 27-Dec-13 18:47:14


scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 18:52:20

I don't think it's alcohol fuelled at all,I think it's a strangers opinion you can take It or leave it
Think the fact that you get a range of pov,with no familial or social baggage is refreshing
Presumably folk ask because they want that range,and its not cluttered by familiar association

Snowdown Fri 27-Dec-13 18:55:47

I do find there is a gang mentality going on here, it's easy to bully the op when the weight of opinion lands squarely on the yabu and posters really do get stuck in at times, like they are hungry for a good fight. I have posted here a light hearted AIBU and I was blown away by the venom, it wasn't a big deal but was amazed by the muscle flexing that went on, some posters must be hell to know in real life or they are cowards who only reveal their true selves express themselves online. And I'd imagine alcohol has a lot to do with it.

TaraLott Fri 27-Dec-13 18:56:07

Oh, I dunno sm, I bet you like a wee dram or two before you get stuck in. wink

haveyourselfashandy Fri 27-Dec-13 18:56:22

Whenever I see a spiteful reply to an op that's uncalled for I always imagine a very sad,lonely person sat at a computer.There's something not quite right about upsetting somebody anonymously and obviously enjoying it.

notanotherusername1 Fri 27-Dec-13 18:57:39

It's amazing that people have to put things like " my first aibu so please be kind". Why can't people be kind, firm if it's needed but still kind. I hate the c* word. Would never ever use it in RL nor the t* word.

I have been shocked at things I have read on here, really shocked and appalled. I have also been amazed at how petty and nasty some can be. Christmas really does seem to bring out some ugly behaviour.

Have also been reduced to crying with laughter (Misty Whore...Miss Dior) and been moved at how kind some can be. A mixed bag with a tendency more towards the nasty.

candycoatedwaterdrops Fri 27-Dec-13 18:57:42

YANBU in general but YABU about your post. Your tone started off the thread badly and you are clearly still obsessing. Who cares what a bunch of randomers think? Change your name or just get over it. People won't remember it unless it's something major like pomme bear.

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 18:58:09

Nah,I don't drink, I have been known to hammer the Assam tea though
Never got my drinking boots back after having weans

onedev Fri 27-Dec-13 19:04:04

Totally agree with Worra.

Whistleblower0 Fri 27-Dec-13 19:20:45

You need to get over it. I really think you are investing far too much in an internet forum. Some people will agree with you, some wont. such is life.

I'm somebody who speaks their mind in real life as well as on here. i dont recall, but i'm sure lots of posters have disagreed with me/ called me a twat in my short time on here. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Lazyjaney Fri 27-Dec-13 19:28:40

"However, I doubt it's drink, it's much more likely to be the safety of anonymity"

I'd agree. Also, one persons straight talking is another's offensive statement.

IMO you get far more of what people do actually think on AIBU, it's real life that gives the socially airbrushed view.

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 27-Dec-13 20:29:57

- Where the OP is goady and really rather asking for it - like the one who came onto AIBU, announced she was a new MNer and asked us all to please stop swearing because it wasn't ladylike. Sorry, but she deserved everything she got

That sounds like a great thread. I'm sorry I missed that.

CaptainTripps Fri 27-Dec-13 20:32:51

Some good viewpoints here. Thanks for replying.

DejaVuAllOverAgain Fri 27-Dec-13 20:42:04

I don't think it's alcohol, I think some people are just nasty and use AIBU to be as vile as possible.

I can't comment on your thread OP as I haven't seen it. However, there have been some threads where some posters have picked bits out of the OP and used them to harangue the OP whilst ignoring other relevant bits so they can carry on with their own agenda.

PointyChristmasFairyWand Fri 27-Dec-13 20:44:53

Princess that was one of the best threads ever. I have never laughed so hard in my life. And I also came across the term 'wankbadger' so it was educational too. grin

mistermakersgloopyglue Fri 27-Dec-13 21:06:43

I haven't read your particular thread op, but the moment I realised that actually quite a few replies on mn are possibly alcohol fuelled was after the anyfucker scandal. The morning after that whole thing there quite a few people who said that they had had a few wines the night before and that had influenced what they had written e.g. comparisons with Rosa parks and the like but you couldn't really tell people were posses just from the posts, I just thought they were erm, passionate about anyfucker not as it turned out being banned!

I wouldn't have necessarily thought that many people mumsnet while under the influence, but I guess they probably do

mistermakersgloopyglue Fri 27-Dec-13 21:08:23

Pissed not posses!

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 27-Dec-13 22:27:34


Though if I've had a couple of glasses of wine the worst I'll do is miss the light hearted intention behind a particular thread.

I'm as likely to be sharp after a drink as I am stone cold sober.

It isn't anonymity, if someone asks for advice then the only good advice is that you believe to be honest and genuinely helpful surely? That's how I operate in real life.

Granted I don't seem to be told I'm nasty on here very often <shrug>

Beaaware Fri 27-Dec-13 23:35:26

What a great thread, thank you CaptainTripps totally understand where you are coming from and agree with you 100%.

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 27-Dec-13 23:47:39


envy envy envy

Caitlin17 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:52:00

Oh the special jumper thread. I was sober, still think if you give something away, you give it away.

There are so many AIBU who take offence at being told "yes you are" Why bother asking if all you wanted was " no of course not"

pramela Sat 28-Dec-13 00:06:56

I think being a liberal, feminist, humanist, politically correct warrior just utterly exhausts some mumsnetters to the point that they blow a gasket and vomit all over AIBU.

differentnameforthis Sat 28-Dec-13 02:36:20

OP, was a jumper really worth getting so het up about? Fwiw, I think the answers you got are quite reasonable! You used quite a condescending tone throughout, in my opinion.

Continually stating that it was special etc. Well it wasn't that special that you gave it away, was it?

Johnnyrotten123 Sat 28-Dec-13 13:03:53

Well, I've seen plenty of threads where the OP gets all chippy when, after acting like a bit of a dick, people tell her to stop acting like a bit of a dick. But to start a whole new thread about how this must be because they're pissed/bitter and twisted is really taking things to a whole new level hmm.

Valdeeves Sat 28-Dec-13 14:33:52

I haven't read your thread but I do agree some people can be pretty harsh on here. But then we all know that's how it is.

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