to ask for a some internet strangers to give me a couple of minutes of their time (longish)

(56 Posts)

because I feel so alone? I am sat in my PJs knocking back cups of tea whilst silently sobbing to myself whilst my husband sits at the dining room table looking for places he can rent.

We have has an almighty row that has been brewing since Christmas morning, when I realised that after 18yrs together he still doesn't know me. I received from him tickets to see War horse which I have wanted to see at the theatre since I read the book, whihch I am happy about but my DD had to tell him this is what I wanted as the repeated 'I would love to see that' wasn't a big enough hint for him.

I then also received a 4.6lb tin of shortbread because I like shortbread. I do but not that fecking much.

To top the presents off I was also offered the chance to have a hysterectomy done privately, a procedure that I do not need and I do not want, the reason was I had complained about the crimson bastard. As soon as he suggested it I politely refused and left the room before I decked him.

As a result of this he spent the rest of Christmas ignoring me because he felt guilty, so I spent Christmas day on the sofa watching the DCs play with their toys whilst he did everything to avoid being in contact with me. The only time he came near was when we was eating and when Dr Who came on. That evening he climbed into bed next to me, grunted night at me then fell asleep, no kiss or cuddle.

I have tried explaining to him that the presents are not the issue, its the lack of thought that has gone into them and that even though my hobbies and interests are on full display to anyone that walks into my home, he still insists that he has no idea what to get me. I can't be more bloody obvious.

I don't think I deserve to be ignored because he feels guilty, I don't think that I deserve such a lack of thought in gift buying (BTW he didn't used to be like this).

I am so confused, looking back on what I have written and I'm thinking Don't be so bloody stupid Binky, get a grip. But then I think hang on a minute how many times has he done something that he hasn't thought through properly and pushed your tolerance levels to the limit.

I honestly don't know which way is up at the moment.

TheMaw Fri 27-Dec-13 12:51:20

I really don't want this to sound harsh because I can tell you're very upset, but I think there must be more to it that what you've put in your OP. He got you a present you really wanted, an ill-advised one, and a very insensitive suggestion to a problem - but it doesn't seem to have been put in a cruel way. Christmas is a really hard time, is it possible that it's all got a bit overblown? I really hope you're OK, can you get out of the house and do something nice today?

clam Fri 27-Dec-13 12:53:58

Erm.... <takes deep breath>

I'm sorry you feel so bad, but....
You wanted to see War Horse. He got you tickets.
You are suffering with heavy periods. He has offered paying to possibly give you relief from it sooner.
You like shortbread. He got you some.

OK, so he's not woo-ed you with gift-wrapped hampers from Harrods, but maybe that's not his style. He maybe just lacks imagination.

SilverApples Fri 27-Dec-13 12:56:31

I'm very sorry that you are so upset and feel that he's not putting an effort into things, but has he always been like this?
My OH is very much like this, but it's part of him, he was like that when I met him and after 30 years, it's still something he finds tough. It's why we still make Christmas lists. smile
Do you really want it to end, for him to move out?
If living with him is harder than living without him, then separating is the solution.

MyMILisfromHELL Fri 27-Dec-13 12:57:07

Hysterectomy is the female version of castration. Do your dh not realise that?
Tbh, for the rest of it, I think you're being a tad bit over sensitive.

CallMeNancy Fri 27-Dec-13 12:57:46

Some men are crap at buying gifts. They still love you.

The easy solution is to take their credit card, with permission, and buy what you really want. Have it gift wrapped. Present them with the bill & a tag to sign. Open on Christmas day, look surprised and say thank you smile

The difficult option is to keep nagging & suggesting, & then get upset when they don't quite get it right, but have tried.

I go for plan a now. Far simpler.

BohemianGirl Fri 27-Dec-13 12:58:25

Well. It's not about Christmas is it? or War Horse, or shortbread or a hysterectomy? it's about this line I realised that after 18yrs together he still doesn't know me

Is your relationship really that far gone that you can get it back on track? Counselling?

ThePearShapedToad Fri 27-Dec-13 12:58:41

I agree op unless there's something else going on you haven't told us yet.... I think maybe all the Christmas stress has just got on top of you a bit

Your dd may have had to help your DH, but he did get you tickets to something you really wanted

The shortbread, again, maybe too much, but since when is that a bad thing to receive too much of something you like? At least he didn't buy you a biscuit type you hated??

And the medical op- seems like a male solution to a problem they would have no idea about.

Maybe go and have a chat with him, and start the day over. From what you've told us so far it certainly doesn't seem to warrant separate houses??

Its not the presents, I thanked him for them and when he realised the hysterectomy wasn't ideal, I tried (only once) to make light of it, he then told me to stop going on about it and then spent the rest of the day avoiding and ignoring me. Its the ignoring and avoiding for 2 days that has resulted in the row this morning, I got fed up of him not speaking to me although I have tried with him.

ThePearShapedToad Fri 27-Dec-13 13:01:02

Maybe you're both just trying not to break first? One of you has got to swallow pride and go apologise, if only just to break the ice and start again


Take him a cup of tea, shoo dd in front of the tv for a bit and have a bit of 1 on 1 Christmas hug time with your DH

CallMeNancy Fri 27-Dec-13 13:01:04

Perhaps he meant ablation rather than hysterectomy?
My OH wouldn't have a clue there was a difference. Perhaps he's been googling and got them a bit mixed up?

Not knowing you. That takes a bit more effort on both parts.

What did you get him? And how does he feel about them?

sweetmelissa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:01:08

Sorry, but your husband sounds very thoughtful to get you presents that you both wanted and liked. It's lovely that he took the trouble to do that when I bet many, many, many men just grab any old thing from the shelves on Christmas Eve. I don't usually ever say anything like this, but from what you have written above, you come across as very ungrateful and very unkind.

However, for you to be as unreasonable as it first appears, I am sure there must be 'something' else that is really the matter...because let's face it, being annoyed because your husband bought you presents that you liked, cannot surely be the real issue.

AugustaProdworthy Fri 27-Dec-13 13:02:48

Why is he looking at places to rent? It sounds like this has been brewing since before Christmas. Is he intending to move out to give you both some space for a while?

DameFanny Fri 27-Dec-13 13:02:58

If he wasn't always like this then I second the PP who suggested counselling. 18 years is a long time, and both of you will have changed - it sounds like you need to reconnect, but neither of you quite know how.

what did you get him for Christmas btw? How one-sided is the remoteness?

littlewhitechristmasbag Fri 27-Dec-13 13:05:34

I think you need to sit down and talk to your DH about the things which are on your mind. I know DH and i have gone through low periods where we were just set on different paths but we are committed to remaining together and recognise that sometimes you need to take stock and look at where you are going in the future.

Look at all the good things in your relationship along with the things you would both like to see change. If you can't agree on this then maybe it is time to go separate ways.

SilverApples Fri 27-Dec-13 13:07:33

My OH goes quiet and withdraws if he's done something wrong or foolish, especially if someone is annoyed or upset with him and he doesn't understand why.
He's not sulking, or avoiding me or anyone else. he literally doesn't know what to do next.

iloveeverton Fri 27-Dec-13 13:08:08


Hope you are feeling bit better now. I think the gifts he got you sound ok. I don't know many people who get huge surprises at Christmas. I bought my own gift and asos lost my parcel so no gift for me!

Can you go shops get little treat just for yourself? Or how about sorting babysitter and both going for a meal or drink and chat a bit?

Hope you get it sorted.

Spottybra Fri 27-Dec-13 13:08:43

Forget the presents , it boils down to this one question

Do you both want to be together?

If so someone has to make the first move. Counselling, dates, switching the bloody tv off and sharing a bote of wine over a board game and a chat.....

If you're happy to let him walk away then start talking access arrangements for dc.

This is obviously the straw that broke the camel's back. My DH would be similar, angry that he got it wrong when he thought it was right. I bought my presents and gave them to him to wrap up-that works for us.
Is he determined to go or is there any way you can talk it through? Do you want to talk it through?

Spottybra Fri 27-Dec-13 13:09:28

Bottle, not bote

Kevinsbowel Fri 27-Dec-13 13:09:48

Don't be insulted by the hysterectomy. If you come and play on our thread you will meet many of us who are so, so grateful to have sorted our bastard periods by chucking the whole damn thing in the nearest medical incinerator. Actually, for very serious problems such as big fibroids, it's a great solution. And I went private and it was quick and easy. Actually, it's quite a thoughtful thing to suggest. I wish my DH had come up with it.

(Strictly speaking, the female equivalent of castration is when you have your ovaries out, not a hysterectomy.)

I got him a car stereo and some new speakers, something he really wants, I have also for his birthday (which is soon) offered to buy him the other bits he needs for the system depending on how its going to be configured.

He hasn't always been like this, his presents were always well thought out, either something he knows that I really wanted but would never buy for myself, something that would make me laugh or something he just thought I would love. In the past couple of years though things have changed with him,he has become selfish in some things where he wasn't before, he is seriously grumpy and has lied about a few 'big' things like spending money when we haven't got it spare.

He's never been big on talking through thngs but he would try, now he would rather ignore it and hope that it will disappear in time.

I do think that we need to reconnect but I don't know how any more.

Loopytiles Fri 27-Dec-13 13:12:26

Do you love him? Does he love you, and treat you generally well?

The 2 day sulk/avoidance, was this him or you?

Topaz25 Fri 27-Dec-13 13:15:42

TBF he did get you the tickets you wanted (after a lot of hints) and you do like shortbread (although not that much.) He did try. I do think he shouldn't have suggested surgery as a Christmas gift though!

Christmas is a very stressful time with heightened expectations. Please don't make a permanent decision about your relationship based on Christmas stress but discuss the underlying issues when you are both calmer.

Beastofburden Fri 27-Dec-13 13:16:24

I think that's the thing, even your thread title sounds lonely flowers.

You know it's not the presents, lots of DHs need to be given clear, firm, kindly direction to get something even half acceptable. It's the lack of connection.

I think relationship counselling is a great idea. It could be really positive for you both.

sweetmelissa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:17:18

Sorry I really don't understand. How can tickets to a show you want to see and a large quantity of something you like to eat be wrong or selfish? What WOULD you prefer? I apologise if I am missing the point - and as for the hysterectomy. Well, he is aware you are suffering and therefore suggests a way for your suffering to end. Again, isn't that a kind and generous thing, even if a little clumsy a thought. He actually sounds lovely.

But again, I know it is more so I wish you well in being able to get to the real problems and solve them. Good luck xx

RedToothBrush Fri 27-Dec-13 13:17:21

It sounds like he's TRYING just failing. So think how that might feel to him.

There is a big difference between no effort and just being shit.

It doesn't mean he doesn't know you. There is more to knowing someone than knowing what to buy them.

I have had blazing rows with my DH over presents before, but its him thats in your shoes. Part of it, is because he has everything he wants or is so specific about what he wants that he pretty much has to tell me at great length so I get exactly the right thing. The other part is to do with his past and how his parents treated him, that left him feeling unloved and very insecure.

He equated presents with love and thats the problem.

I think you need to think about how rejected your DH might be feeling right now. In his eyes, he feels he's tried but its still not good enough for you. I'm not entirely surprised he's looking for somewhere else because the message you've given him, isn't one that says 'I love you' either.

TBH I do think there is more to this story to whats posted above but without knowing it I think its impossible for anyone else to know the full picture. I think perhaps you need to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself about whether there is more to this than just presents.

Yes , I love him, and I know he loves me. He does in general treat us all well. The 2 day sulk was him.

sweetmelissa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:21:16

Do you think perhaps he felt a little upset that he had bought you something he knew you wanted, and you did not appear as happy about it as he thought you would? I think my husband would sulk for 2 days (or a lot more) if he felt his efforts were unappreciated? Just a thought.

Hope you work it all out, and if you love each other then it seems as if you will xx

MusicalEndorphins Fri 27-Dec-13 13:22:19

Ask yourself his faults out weigh his good points? He sounds normal to me, not all men (or women) are/stay romantic or imaginative. I also wonder, based on your 18 year marriage, and mention of period pain, are suffering hormonal changes. I was overly wrought about things (like paint colour choices) a few times in my early 40' may be too young for that, but thought I'd mention it.

Okay, I've had a cry, drunk too much tea and now decided that I am a stubborn stroppy cow at the moment that has just got to the limit and I need to go and sit down with him and talk.

The problem is we are both as stubborn as each other. Fingers crossed that this doesn't develop into a row.

Thanks everyone, each of you has helped me to see things a little clearer.

secretsofsanta Fri 27-Dec-13 13:29:23

Sorry but yabu. He bought you what you wanted. Some people are crap at presents. See countless posts where mnetters got nothing. Get a grip

sweetmelissa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:30:14

Binky, you sound lovely too. Christmas is such an emotional time and never quite lives up to the hype. Good luck with your chat xx

olympicsrock Fri 27-Dec-13 13:35:46

At least you got a lovely present even if he needed a huge hint. Christmas is very stressful. He probably thought he was being really thoughtful. Sending you a hug

Good luck with the chat. Its not really about presents at all is it. Its about feeling connected as a couple. I sometimes have a bit of a rant at DH when I feel that he is taking me for granted. We've been together for nearly 17 years and sometimes you do get into a bit of a rut. Is there anything else going on e.g. work problems that might have lead to his behaviour changing?

foreverondiet Fri 27-Dec-13 13:40:49

Ok, we don't do Christmas (different religion) but my DH just can't buy me presents. Even big hints at birthdays go wrong unless I send him internet link of exact thing I want. He knows me very well just can't translate this into a present.

I just accept that whilst he is a generally thoughtful husband he just can't buy presents (for me or anyone else). He is just rubbish at presents. He bought you theatre tickets to a play you wanted to see, I don't see the problem.

So I think you are being a bit unreasonable really. Moving out as he is crap at present buying?! (and you got theatre tickets?). Get a grip of what is important in life. Impact to your kids if their father moves out as their mother has a strop as she only got theatre tickets for Christmas?

I am glad you have seen sense.

I am also glad that my husband and I have steered out of this minefield by stopping giving each other presents for Christmas.

MummySantaHoHoHo Fri 27-Dec-13 13:46:19

I was about to post my husband got me nothing, I am a bit pissed off tbh, as although we don't usually I had said I would like something this year.

But I decided not to make as a scene as generally he is a wonderful man and I get whatever I want in life that he can give me, it just doesn't come in the form of presents.

He is a "sulker" I guess, but when we were first together I bought him a toy turtle thats what he does, he retreats into himself, stemming back to a boarding school childhood.

The spending money you don't have is a little concerning, but only you know how much that matters to you x

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 14:01:41

I think offering a hysterectomy as a Christmas present out of a married couple's joint funds because of a complaint about periods is way out of line.

Way out of line.

This is a major operation, not to be undertaken lightly. And if the OP wants one, which she doesn't, why not on the NHS. And if she wants it done privately, then why does her husband get to allow it as a present from him?

Loopytiles Fri 27-Dec-13 14:09:10

Yes linerunner, he was definitely out of order over that!

Even if a bit dim about gynae issues, meant another procedure and/or was concerned about OP, v insensitive time / way to bring it up!

Anyway, a private hysterectomy would probably cost £8k?!

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 14:11:41

Internet stranger here,this has sweet fa to do with presents.ignore the gifts
You two have got a simmering malaise and that's why he's in huff and you're spilling it on mn
You need to get the hell off mn,he needs to stop being huffy,two adults you need to talk

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 14:26:16

Yes, you really do need to talk. Best when you have cool heads.

Come back and update us, hope it all goes well x

Holdthepage Fri 27-Dec-13 14:38:09

Letters to Santa sort out any misunderstanding over gifts, include helpful links to remove all doubts.

Some people are just hopeless at gift buying, but getting huffy over what you do receive is also unacceptable. I am sure you will be able to sort it out between you.

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 14:46:58

Tbh,update shouldn't be your priority,skip that and sort out the joint histrionics

Okay had a talk, we are both making mistakes in this marriage and both of us have to take responsibility for our parts, both of us accept this. This is something that we both know is not going to be fixed overnight and will need time and lots of talking to get through, there are other issues they are now in the open and together we will work through them. 18yrs is a long time to throw away on issues that can be resolved if we work together.

Thank you again all of you. flowers

Best of luck.

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 15:01:20

Binky, well done. I hope you can both put into your relationship what you would wish to take out.

The hysterectomy really was a shit gift, though. fsmile

Marylou2 Fri 27-Dec-13 16:02:27

Sorry you've had such a terrible Christmas. If your DH is an otherwise decent husband and father I would go an give him a hug and pour him a glass of wine as life's really too short to argue over presents. My husband asked me if I fancied some Botox before Christmas as he said I keep mentioning it. I don't think men have the same filters as women.

applepieplease Fri 27-Dec-13 16:08:52

Being unhappy is always very hard. I hope you manage to find some happiness soon.

storytopper Fri 27-Dec-13 16:12:34

Sounds like, deep down, you have a marriage worth saving so good luck with that. Hope things pick up for you both.

MostWicked Fri 27-Dec-13 18:10:58

It sounds like the root cause of the problems you are having, is poor communication. That's what you need to work on. Don't throw away a good marriage because you can't talk to each other.

specialsubject Fri 27-Dec-13 18:20:38

I think he's ignoring you because you have been incredibly childish. OK, the present of a hysterectomy is a bit odd, but the rest - jeez.

presents should be accepted with gracious thanks, especially expensive tickets to something you want to see. 'hinting' is also incredibly childish, why don't you just communicate like an adult?

are you really willing to destroy your marriage over CHRISTMAS PRESENTS? Or is there more to it than this?

Next time try reading the thread before you post, it has moved on and your post is not really relevant any more.

chocolatemademefat Fri 27-Dec-13 23:13:12

My husband gave me a bar of chocolate this year because money is tight and buying me an expensive present would only have complicated our finances even more. He's never been great at presents but usually if I tell him what I want he'll get it. Suggesting surgery as a gift is very unusual - do you moan a lot every month? We all go through boring times with partners but usually things come up and we work through them. Maybe its worth forgetting about presents and spending some time together talking things through - imagine your life if he DID move out.

CrashGoesTheTree Sat 28-Dec-13 00:11:06

Get a break away and give yourselves a chance away from the day to day drudge of life.

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