To think my 21 month cannot stay up till midnight at mil 70th party??

(129 Posts)
Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 07:44:50

Hi all my mil birthday party tomo at a local members club. I have 21 month old DD, we are all going but I am going to bring her home prob 930-1000pm. DH and mil think this is early it's a one off so should stay later! She has just had an exhausting Christmas with 9pm bedtimes and no day naps Christmas or Boxing Day, she is knackered. I cannot get babysitter as everyone has been invited so will bring her home and have to stay home whilst DH stays at party- again getting hassle for!!! Someone please help me out!!!!!!!

Slatecross Fri 27-Dec-13 07:46:44

Go but take a buggy/pram and pop her in it when she's tired. Quick walk round the block to get her to sleep, wrap her up warm and park in a dark quiet corner!
* I realise that's easier than it sounds but it's do-able.

Happilymarried155 Fri 27-Dec-13 07:47:50

Can't you just take her pjs and pushchair and let her fall asleep in that?
It's only one night!

littlewhitechristmasbag Fri 27-Dec-13 07:48:29

Just take DD along to the party and see how it goes. If she is not tired or grumpy then stay. If she gets cranky then leave. She may just flake out on a chair anyway. I have no idea why you would be in a paddy about this seeing as you have no idea how she is going to be later on.

SapphireMoon Fri 27-Dec-13 07:48:47

You sound very reasonable.
Even by 10pm I imagine your toddler will be asleep in her push chair.
Is there a problem re travel arrangements with this which is making them unreasonable?

CasperGutman Fri 27-Dec-13 07:49:27

Anyone who thinks keeping a 21-month old up until midnight will be fun has almost certainly never tried it. She'll be a miserable, tearful mess hours before that, almost certainly, and won't be the best company for others at the party. I'd just leave early.

ChineseFireball Fri 27-Dec-13 07:49:51

^ What they said. Take the pram or pushchair for sleeping in. smile

BohemianGirl Fri 27-Dec-13 07:50:33


mumaa Fri 27-Dec-13 07:50:43

Your plan sounds sensible to me... 10pm sounds late enough and you are leaving your DH there to enjoy the party. You know your DC best and also, I don't think a members club filled with drinking adults it's probably an ideal environment for 21 month old.

You are going to he party and staying a few hours before taking DC home to bed, I think that's am entirely reasonable plan as you can't get a babysitter as everyone has been invited. Go with your plan, sounds good to me.

Will she turn into a pumpkin? fgrin

Take her. When she kicks off from being so tired she can't think, hand her to MIL or DH with a sweet smile and then go get another drink.

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 07:52:40

Thanks should explain she won't sleep in buggy never has I doubt she will especially with to much going I around her!! She is already grumpy from lack of sleep over past few days! Her bedtime normally 730 and also I am the only person next day who has to deal with said grumpy miserable child!

LunchLadyWannabe Fri 27-Dec-13 07:55:24

I think its mean to expect a baby to sleep with loud music on.

As soon as dd becomes very tired, i would take her home.

Its all part of having a small child where you have to miss out on parties etc when you have no babysitter.

I certainly wouldn't put my dd in a pram, in a corner with music blaring and a noisy atmosphere just so i could stay on longer.

When i ve seen this , i ve always judged parents that do it.

Hope you manage to come to a solution.

NearTheWindmill Fri 27-Dec-13 07:57:37

Can't she catch up today and tomorrow a bit. I think I'd just go with the flow but I had 21 month olds who were invariably awake at midnight anyway.

dietcokeandwine Fri 27-Dec-13 07:58:17

Not being unreasonable. I'd do the same although would aim to bring home earlier! Or could you get an agency babysitter? If she's there for a few hours surely that's enough? I'm not a fan of keeping children up late, it always backfires for days afterwards in my experience. Tbh if it were me I wouldn't have done the missed naps/late bedtimes thing with DD over Christmas either but I realise lots of people do.

I would stick to your guns re the party. You'll be the one paying the price with an exhausted toddler for days afterwards!

I've been to functions with all 3 of mine and have always just decided to play it ear. I've ended up doing all of the above. Dd who I thought would get grumpy was and still is the last one standing as is ds2. Ds1 never made it after his usual bedtime.

A few late nights for special occasions won't do her any harm. Take her buggy see how she goes but plan that you may have to take her home early if she is tired and grumpy.

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 07:59:18

As others have said just let her sleep in buggy

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 08:01:08

Why are you alone the next morn?

The OP has already said she won't sleep in her buggy.

Why should the OP have a miserable day tomorrow because people don't understand that babies need sleep?

OP do what you want. Or tell your husband you'll bring her, but he's responsible for her 100%.

Finola1step Fri 27-Dec-13 08:04:23

Take her and then leave when she gets tired and whiny, no matter what the time. If she won't sleep in buggy, then your only other option is to let your DH deal with it!

I just don't understand why any adult would want an over tired, grizzling, fractious toddler at their party awake until midnight. Your DH is being a bit if a dick. The needs of his young child need to come before the needs of his mother.

CMOTDibbler Fri 27-Dec-13 08:04:24

Some toddlers will stay up till midnight happily, some melt down. Some sleep in a buggy/pile of coats/under a table - some don't. Some make up for a late night the next day, some will be horrid for days. You know your dd, and as you have to deal with the fallout, you get to decide imo.

My ds is 7, and would be awful for a week if kept up till 10!

SoftSheen Fri 27-Dec-13 08:05:48

YANBU. Maybe some 21 month olds would cope with this, but mine would have just got hysterical and then been a nightmare the next day. Leave when you need to leave and don't feel guilty.

Christ if i tried to keep my 19m up it'd be hell for everyone. come 7pm he's in bed and if he's not, god help us. grumpy, tired and whinging for his bed.

He certainly wouldnt lie quietly in his pushchair and gently drift off.


HamAlive Fri 27-Dec-13 08:07:24

What CMOT said.

DS is getting more able to stay up now at 2.10 but he will be vile the next day so I'd go with your plan of taking her back when she's tired.

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 08:07:33

Surely you can get one of your friends to babysit for the night?

Happilymarried155 Fri 27-Dec-13 08:08:56

Lunch lady wannabe you sound lovely!

brettgirl2 Fri 27-Dec-13 08:11:14

Sounds like the perfect excuse to leave early if you ask me. wink

Cakecrumbsinmybra Fri 27-Dec-13 08:14:13

YANBU, just bring her home when you see fit.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Fri 27-Dec-13 08:15:19

surely you can get one of your friends to babysit

Why on earth would you assume this is possible??

livinginawinterwonderland Fri 27-Dec-13 08:18:04

YANBU at all. Tell DH that if you bring her, he's 100% responsible both at the party and the next day when she's over-tired, grumpy and full of tantrums. If he's not willing to deal with it, then do what you want if you have to deal with the consequences!

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 08:18:31


Fairylea Fri 27-Dec-13 08:20:30

There's no way either of my dc would have ever fallen asleep in a buggy - at all, even as a young baby let alone a toddler- so I wouldn't even be going! If they aren't asleep in bed in the dark by about 6.30 they get progressively more grumpy and upset and are hell the next day. Just do what you want to do. It's tough.

Because cake most of MN assumes we all have babysitters on tap at all times rather than the truth that most of our friends have small children as well.

They would be happy to cover in an emergency. A party is not an emergency.

Joysmum Fri 27-Dec-13 08:22:55

Personally, I'd hand her over to hubby when you e had enough and tell him to give you a shout when he wants to leave.

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 08:25:53

Just cause your friends have kids they wouldnt take 1 two year old and make you miss a big party like this? Im surprised tbh

IrisWildthyme Fri 27-Dec-13 08:26:53

If its local I agree you can play it by ear and see how it goes - if she falls asleep in a corner or in a pram, all well and good. if she heads to melt-down, take her home. many's the time at weddings I've seen a small child just curl up and sleep on the floor when they are too tired to party any more - it's a one-off and not trying to be more flexible comes across as you using your child as an excuse to duck out of your MIL's party - if you agree to try but are open to doing whatever is necessary on the day (including going home early if all else fails) then that's fine.

averywoomummy Fri 27-Dec-13 08:28:41

You sound perfectly reasonable!

No way would either of mine been able to stay up until 12 at that age. They also really needed their bedtime routine and it would be cruel to try and make them sleep in a buggy in a crowded noisy room.

I also can't understand the mentality of a MIL who wants her grandchild to be tired and miserable basically just because she wants her to be at her party until the end. DD will be putting in an appearance so MIL will be able to have a birthday hug and the relatives will be able to have a hold - to me that's all that's required no need to be there the whole time. It's just selfish if you ask me.

Also 100% guaranteed that when DD was crying and tired at 11pm MIL and DH would not be the ones who ended up comforting her - nope that would be you so you would just end up with a miserable evening and then suffering the next day with a tired child.

If I was you I would put my foot down on this one!

waitandsee Fri 27-Dec-13 08:28:45

Not being unreasonable at all! I find I am just unable to relax,let alone enjoy myself when put in these situations. Especially as (I am guessing) everyone else plans to be hungover the next day, leaving you to deal with the fall out. Fair dues to the parents that do and can go with the flow, for me and my DD, it's just not worth it. Stick to your guns OP!

MamaBear17 Fri 27-Dec-13 08:29:14

I would want to do exactly as you have suggested. Ask your DH why he wants dd to stay - what will she get out of it? By 9pm my 2 year old would be fed up and wanting her bed. Your DH and MIL only want her there later because THEY want her there, not because she will be missing out if she goes home. You are being perfectly reasonable.

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 08:29:44

Thanks all it may seem I am being pfb probably am but she was never a great sleeper and is a nightmare getting her to nap! I may take her buggy but actually I don't think I should leave her in a corner of a dark dingy members bar with 10 people drinking messing around. I won't be drinking a lot anyway to keep alert for her and it's not my mothers bday therefore assumed DH would rather drink. mil had pursed her lips when told the situation, it was my choice to let her stay up but I thought her first proper Christma, I tried putting her down during day but wouldn't sleep. Yesterday she was whingy didn't know what she wanted, so knackered. I just think she has plenty of time when older to so these things she is still young. Unfortunately I would just ring up any old person to babysit as I don't like random people that my DD doesn't see very often. Plus the only person this would benefit is me being able to stay out! I agree with lady lunch my life has changed since having her and it's not reasonable to assume otherwise!

natwebb79 Fri 27-Dec-13 08:30:16

I completely understand you OP. My similar aged DS would just get more and more cranky and would never fall asleep in a buggy. it always pisses me off when I see poor miserable knackered small children at such events when it's for the adults' benefit. I personally would pay for a baby sitter or stay home with DC.

Well, let's see annieorangutan...of the 7 women I could call on to babysit my son at all, 6 of them have one child my son's age (4) and one child less than a year. The other one has one child my son's age. She might do it.

So, yes, except for an emergency, which this is not, it's a party, I would never even ask, never mind expect that they would say yes.

It's a party. It's not a royal summons.

inadreamworld Fri 27-Dec-13 08:32:32

I think my DD 2.8 should go instead. She WANTS to stay up as long as possible every night and NEVER naps in the day!!

Seriously you know your child best and leave early if she is tired and won't sleep in buggy. You could try buggy idea and see what happens but leave if she gets cranky...

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 08:32:47

Stand your ground and say you will be leaving earlier - tough if they don't like it. None of my DCs would have drifted off in a pram at a loud party, and none of the adults would have expected them to.


Flisspaps Fri 27-Dec-13 08:33:11

DD at that age would turn into a thrashing, screaming, inconsolable nightmare at 6.30pm at that age. No sleeping in the buggy, on a lap, the floor etc. It had to be bed or nothing, on time.

DS is largely the same but you might squeeze 8pm before he turns into a pumpkin.

I missed several family events due to the DC being unable to sleep anywhere other than their bed. It was annoying, but not as annoying as carting a screaming, unhappy, knackered child round a party whilst everyone around thinks 'just go bloody home'

It's very easy to suggest using the buggy if you have a child that will sleep in one. It's ludicrous to even attempt it you have a child that won't.

MidniteScribbler Fri 27-Dec-13 08:35:10

I think its mean to expect a baby to sleep with loud music on.

LOL I basically grew up in a dance studio. Loud music never bothered me (except that I can now sleep through pretty much anything!). Babies are pretty adaptable creature in many situations.

OP, Tell your family you are staying. Then when it gets to 10pm and she's throwing a strop you can use the excuse that you tried but will just have to take her home. Then they think that you're doing what they want, when really you're doing what you want and you get to play the martyr card while you're at it!

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 08:38:45

god - you would never cope here then I also have a one year old and five year old and will take my friends kids whenever and vice versa. Some of my friends have 3 under 5 and still do it.

Roisin Fri 27-Dec-13 08:39:56

This thread brings it all back to me: my boys loved their beds, were always fractious and grumpy when tired. AND they never slept in the next morning, no matter how tired they were, but would be a nightmare for a couple of days if they'd not had enough sleep. This may sound pfb-ness, but it's just how they were. I always intended to have children that I could just trog around with me, but it wasn't like that.

So I soon learned to develop a thick skin, ignore the raised eyebrows and just do what we needed to do for an easy life. Often this was to decline the invitation in the first place, or for just one of us to go.

My babies are 14 and 16 now and late nights are not a problem! They are charming and can converse with strangers and relatives and strange relatives and we can all enjoy the evening.

I don't regret the years of missed parties at all.

oadcb Fri 27-Dec-13 08:40:13

Your child your choice.

Ive taken my daughter to family party's at that age. Changed her into PJs and drove home after.Risky if she woke after car journey but it worked.

If I thought she would have be a grump next day I wouldn't have done it though just to please others. I would have suffered it if it was an event I really wanted to go to though.

SomethingkindaOod Fri 27-Dec-13 08:43:55

The problem with letting them fall asleep in the buggy is the whole issue of sorting it out when you get home, mine would have been fine to fall asleep wherever they were out and have done on a few occasions (and maybe I have been judged for it, but on one occasion I was the bride so judgeypants people could sod off!) but it's the getting them home and shoes etc off that's the bugger. Aside from the fact that you can bet they will have pooed and need a nappy change the disruption usually leads to tears and being awake at 2am!
What you plan to do is fine, it's not like you're going then leaving straight away and it leaves you wiggle room for an extra half hour if you can get away with it.

averywoomummy Fri 27-Dec-13 08:45:01

midnitescribbler that may be the case for you but not all children are like that. I can assure you my children would absolutely hate being in a situation like that and it would be cruel to put them into that situation.

I don't think OP should need to make up excuses or "try" to keep DD up. Just decide what is best for your DD and tell them that is what you are doing. Most reasonable people accept that when you have very young children you are not necessarily able to do everything that you could before and would make allowances for this.

MIL is just being selfish!

I cope just fine, thanks. I find it odd that you think it's okay to burden your friends with extra children for a party.

As I said, I have cover for an emergency. I would never presume on my friends in any other situation.

Are you sure your friends are all okay on it and aren't just being polite?

BlackDaisies Fri 27-Dec-13 08:48:36

I completely agree with you. I also used to be the one who had to deal with miserable children the next day after any sort of late night while ex happily slept off his hangover. I remember getting incensed once when he raved on about what a marvellous night we'd had at a friend's dinner party, where he drank and ate and ignored our children and I spent the night chasing after my young dc's protecting them from the various dangers in their non child friendly house, missed most of the meal dealing with them and then ferried us all home at midnight. (And of course had to get up at silly o'clock to deal with two cranky kids while he slept in.)

Luckily as a more assertive LP now I make my own decisions and never have to put up with such rubbish!

My dc were never ones to fall asleep calmly and happily in a buggy either. Loud music and adults drinking til midnight is no fun for a toddler. If I were you, be more assertive than I was, go, have one drink, say a few loud and ostentatious hellos, go home EVEN EARLIER than you suggest, get her to bed and put your feet up in front of the tv grin And repeat and repeat "no, it's ok. thanks for the invite but she'll be miserable all day tomorrow from about 5 o'clock in the morning if I keep her up. Don't worry she'll have fun earlier in the evening" etc etc etc

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 08:55:10

Yeah its fine god even dh has had all 5 kids on his own whilst we all go on weekends on the piss. Its what we do here.

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 08:58:28

What - go 'on the piss' every weekend?

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 09:00:23

Not every weekend but whrn we do dh will take everyones kids and not struggle. They will do same for us I have quite a few friends that do this for us or vice versa

200Cigarettes Fri 27-Dec-13 09:01:11

Yanbu I would leave at 9.30-10pm as planned.

fluffyraggies Fri 27-Dec-13 09:01:44

None of my 3 would ever sleep in their buggy in a noisy room. They would have just cried. They got tried and fractious by 8ish even.

XILS were always hmm about me not being prepared to ''strap them into their buggy in the corner and hope for the best''. I wouldn't do that to a pet!

Is it such a big ask to be home from social events by 10/11 for the few years while they are so little?

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 27-Dec-13 09:02:30

You know your child and if she needs to go to bed at 9pm then just take her home to bed. I wouldn't make a big deal of it but would just slope away quietly.

One of my children would have slept anywhere, one would only sleep in his cot and one - well it was a play it by ear situation.

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 09:03:00

I don't have friends who I go 'on the piss' with and we don't pass our DCs around while we do.

I'm with GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 09:05:12

Hardly passing them around. Suppose its the benefits of always having worked in childcare your best mates are always wanting to look after children!

SomethingkindaOod Fri 27-Dec-13 09:07:24

I work in child care, there's no bloody way I'm looking after anybody else's kids at the weekend... grin

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 09:11:24

I don't work in childcare - and thank god I don't if it meant I had to look after other people's kids while they went 'on the piss' and vice versa

FirstStopCafe Fri 27-Dec-13 09:13:35

I don't think it's fair on your dd to keep her up too late. YANBU. You know your dd and know she won't be able to sleep in pushchair so you're doing the right thing to take her home

annieorangutan Fri 27-Dec-13 09:14:07

I think if you have worked in childcare all your life you just think if you have your own there what difference is another 1 or 10? grin Its just normal to you well it is to me anyway.

AlaskaNebraska Fri 27-Dec-13 09:15:03

Mind never slept in buggies. Just agree with mil them do what you want

junkfoodaddict Fri 27-Dec-13 09:18:37

Go to the party and see how she fairs.

I'm off to a party with my 23 month old tonight and we went last year too when he was a few days shy of his 1st birthday.

We had plans to leave 'early' about 9pm (took his PJs with us so thought dress him for bed, fall asleep in the car and straight to bed). In reality, our DS was having too much fun to leave and 'naturally' got tired at 11pm and so we left.

We're doing the same tonight. We'll take his PJs and watch him for signs of getting tired - usually, yawning, dummy, falling over, whingy at the slightest thing - and go home when he dictates.

Enjoy your night out.

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 09:20:03

Thanks all I will take buggy to show willing but no she won't sleep, see how it goes just puts me on edge as I know what she is like! I don't leave my kids either to go on piss! I don't think that makes me a bad person!

AmberLeaf Fri 27-Dec-13 09:21:34

your MIL is unreasonable to expect anything really.

I would play it by ear and have a cab number ready if need be.

out of my 3 children one would have happily slept in his buggy, one would have cried once it reached bedtime and he wasn't at home. The other would have stayed awake as long as I did!

They are all different and you know your child best.

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 09:22:06

Also I think it's not fair on her to keep her up for everyone esles benefit, esp later when people get drunk roudy etc there are no other kids going as far as aware. Sil has also now jumped on bandwagon no kids herself

AlaskaNebraska Fri 27-Dec-13 09:22:45

Agree. Just say yeah yeah yeah. Then slope off

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 09:23:24

It really, really doesn't make you a bad person if you don't leave your kids to 'go on the piss' grin

Stand your ground Cazm2 - you are your DD's mother, not your MIL. Go, say hello to everyone, have a nice time, leave when your DD needs her bed. No debate, no discussion - sneak out if needed, but your priority is your DD and not your MIL.

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 09:40:15

Thank you for reassurance it's now just getting this into DH head too!!!

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 09:51:48

Maybe once he's there and tipsy socialising he'll not be too bothered if you just quietly say that your DD is getting fractious and you'll just pop home with her? Tell everyone in advance you'll play it by ear, but have the cab booked for 9pm and sneak off then.

Tractorandtree Fri 27-Dec-13 09:53:37

Yanbu at all, my 20mo would be a nightmare beyond about 7pm especially in an environment where he can't just run around/explore/play/get into everything.

What I would do to get it through to your dh is as soon as your dd starts to get grumpy/difficult is hand her over to your dh and say she is entirely his responsibility - his job to chase after her/stop her getting into stuff she shouldn't/calm her when she cries/try to get her to sleep/stay in the buggy etc and tell him that when he's had enough you will take her home - if it was my dh he would last about 30-45mins grin

I cannot see who would benefit from having a grumpy, miserable baby/toddler at a party until midnight - certainly not the baby.

SomethingkindaOod Fri 27-Dec-13 09:54:09

Just tell him. If he's going to start drinking and leave it all to you then just tell him what you're doing, say breezy affectionate goodbyes to everybody, get your DC to give lovely goodnight kisses to GP's and go. Nobody can get huffy at small children's goodnight kisses smile

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 10:32:26

Lol no true I think everyone will be drunk anyway so won't notice if we leave!

NurseRoscoe Fri 27-Dec-13 10:41:51

LunchLady sorry if I am repeating things but please don't judge!

I've done this - my children would sleep through a hurricane. Granted not all children are the same however if they HAD of been miserable I would of taken them home, if they were fast asleep in their prams I would of stayed with my family.

OP Only you know your child. My 2 year old stayed up til this time at a family wedding and had a lovely time, it was a one off and he didn't need to be up for anything the next day. Play it by ear, let them see for themselves if DD is grumpy then it won't seem as unreasonable to them

MadeOfStarDust Fri 27-Dec-13 10:53:56

would just go with the flow... I have been "lucky" with mine , they just went places and had fun from an early age... but I didn't really care about having to deal with a fractious child the next day - they get that way sometimes ANYWAY, so may as well go out and have fun....

also "lucky" with family - the kids were looked after by everyone... if they got grumpy with gran, then uncle took over, then aunty, then grampy etc etc.... or hubby/me/any of the family would go off round the block with the buggy and calm things down...

I would go - assume that things will be fine, if they are not, deal with it - don't worry the night away before it has even happened....

Peacesword Fri 27-Dec-13 11:19:44

My dd grew up sleeping in corners of parties in her buggy. She was a great sleeper as a tiny baby and would sleep anywhere no matter how noisy. And it never affected her the next day, she was not only a great sleeper, she <whispers> never had a tantrum. I was very very lucky. Not sure what there is to judge there Lunchlady!

If she hasn't been like that though and I was in the op's situation I'd just go to the party and slope off when she'd had enough. It doesn't matter what others think, as long as you are happy with what you are doing. And to keep the peace I'd just say ok, I'll see how it goes rather than insist that you'll be leaving at a certain time.

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 11:23:06

why don't you play it by ear take her buggy if she starts getting tired and cranky try and get her to sleep there if not take her home , don't make a thing of it and it wont be an issue, personally them expecting you to just stay regardless is wrong but just see how it goes it is one night

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 12:14:59

I am happy to play be ear but know within reason when she will be tired and miserable just think her welfare is more important than keeping her up for sake of it. Also being told be in laws what I should do with my own child!!

DamnBamboo Fri 27-Dec-13 12:29:53

Just take a buggy and some blankets.
She'll be fine.

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 12:34:15

If you know she'll be tired and miserable then it's a no-brainer - it doesn't matter what anyone's children/babies are like, your DD won't settle in her buggy and will be tired and fractious. Book your cab in advance so that you're prepared, and if by some miracle she's fine you can phone and cancel - otherwise just quietly make your excuses and leave.

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 12:47:19

it is annoying when people try and organise you I think the Il just want her at the party I wouldn't get into themtrying to tell you what to do just smile and nod and take her home, OR give her to them when she is crying with tiredness and you can slink off and have a dance grin

maddy68 Fri 27-Dec-13 13:40:41

I would just pop her in the pram, it's a one off, she will sleep eventually.
I don't understand people who are so precious about such matters, it's not cruel, it's. One off!!!

Minnieisthechristmasmouse Fri 27-Dec-13 15:40:05

Bet your tone would be different if YOUR family. One night. There's 365 in a year you know....

Take a pushchair and stay until 10pm and go from there, she may nap in her pushchair & allow you to stay a bit longer or she may be fractious.

Play it by ear, it's a one off

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 16:00:13

Actually Minnie it wouldn't be different we have left events with my family, if it was my mum I would maybe expect DH to take her home but I think that is fair! It's the idea generally I wouldn't drink much anyhow as I believe I one of us should remain fairly on the ball in case something happens

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 19:04:09


bakingaddict Fri 27-Dec-13 19:23:45

My kids have never had a problem sleeping in their buggies and parties have never been a problem for me. Same with being on holiday they have happily slept in their prams while we have some after dinner cocktails. I would never delibrately keep a tired child awake but dont understand ladylunchs judgemental attitude. As long as the parents arent getting shitfaced drunk what business is it of hers to condemn other parents for trying to have a bit of a social life

StarlightMcKingsThree Fri 27-Dec-13 19:27:08

Toddlers are portable and flexible. Bring a blanket, when toddler drops, put on blanket on floor/sofa or buggy.

StarlightMcKingsThree Fri 27-Dec-13 19:27:57

I'm going to NYE party with 7yr 5yr and 18month. It STARTS at 10pm.

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 19:34:31

This is an event at a social club, so nowhere to just put a blanket on a floor or a quiet sofa somewhere.

The thing is, there are plenty of kids who don't just settle wherever you put them - 2 of mine did but one didn't - and the OP has said hers won't. Regardless of whatever other children do, she doesn't want to have to try and settle hers at an adult party in a social club, and why on earth her MIL can't respect that I don't know.

StarlightMcKingsThree Fri 27-Dec-13 19:36:22

You'll find somewhere if you want it to work. Mine's in a bar.

StarlightMcKingsThree Fri 27-Dec-13 19:37:19

You don't 'settle' the kid, you just let them be until they drop, then you put them somewhere.

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 19:39:06

No - not if the kid doesn't drop but instead becomes hysterical, fractious and grumpy. If you've never had one like that then thank your lucky stars.

StarlightMcKingsThree Fri 27-Dec-13 19:40:26

That's learned behaviour.

dietcokeandwine Fri 27-Dec-13 19:43:47

But starlight what if they don't just 'drop'? What if they simply get progressively more and more exhausted and whiney and whingey and eventually just scream inconsolably? And refuse to sleep at all?

My eldest would have obligingly 'dropped', and slept in the buggy. The other two-no way. No 'dropping' and they would have refused to be 'put' anywhere-they would have just cried, and cried, and cried. I have tried it. With some children it just doesn't work.

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 19:43:55


SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 19:44:19

That 'rubbish' was for Starlight.

jazzandh Fri 27-Dec-13 19:44:48

If you are desperate for children to attend your parties then you would arrange something reasonably child friendly in the first place. Evening parties are for adults and arranged as such. If it were my parents or my in-laws my 3 year old would not be going in the first place and I would just stay at home (and have done in the past.) DH is quite capable of attending a party by himself!

i don't see a problem with are responsible for the child and her physical well being. Those wishing her to be there are concerned for themselves not her! They won't be chasing her around...or dealing with the fallout!

I would stand my ground.......

dietcokeandwine Fri 27-Dec-13 19:45:50

It isn't learned behaviour, it's a basic difference between human beings. Same as some adults find it easy to sleep anywhere and others find it almost impossible.

natwebb79 Fri 27-Dec-13 19:46:12

There seem to be a fair few posters who aren't believing the OP. No amount of 'Oh just take a buggy and a blanket and she'll fall asleep eventually' will work for a toddler who won't bloody sleep in a buggy (voice of experience!). And if it's 'only one night' then yes, it's only one night that the OP will be missing a party. Why should a small child be bloody miserable because a few adults want to drag the night out for them? I remember being dragged to similar dos when I was little and feeling like fecking death by the end of the night. No amount of pissed uncles trying to cheer me up by dancing to agadoo or trying to get me to kip in a room with people shouting and loud music was going to make it any better. The OP knows her child and knows that it will make her miserable. That is NOT being precious.

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 19:47:03

Agree natweb

jazzandh Fri 27-Dec-13 19:49:57

It's a horrible way to go to sleep as well, just pass out from exhaustion - who on earth would wish that on anybody, let alone a small child.

NiceTabard Fri 27-Dec-13 19:58:44

DD1 never fell asleep in her buggy, once she was past little baby stage. She was very clockwork and I remember going to a wake and she was there and really tired and crying and person after person kept coming up and saying smugly "oh I'll do it" and then sitting and comfortingly moving the buggy back and forth... and back and forth... and after about 10 mins getting a bit hmm... and then after 1/2 hour giving her back!

DD2 OTOH conks out where-ever - on the floor halfway through a game, on the sofa, in the car.

They're just different and if a parent says "My child is very unlikely to sleep in that situaiton and in fact it will be a nightmare" they are almost certainly right.

OP just take her home when it's time. If she's crying and worn out no-one's going to argue, especially not in the middle of a party.

And for the sake of completeness, we also wouldn't have anyone to babysit!!!!

monkeynuts123 Fri 27-Dec-13 20:06:43

Oh leave early, I would and have. Some babies are go with the flow sorts and others aren't, just get her home to bed and enjoy a peaceful evening.

monkeynuts123 Fri 27-Dec-13 20:08:51

Oh also something I realised which has served me well - people care about themselves primarily, not your child, you have to care about child and do what is best for them, other people suit themselves.

LegoCaltrops Fri 27-Dec-13 20:14:03

I'd stand my ground. My DD has always struggled sleeping. She wouldn't just "drop off". If I strapped her into a buggy & hoped for the best, she would absolutely scream blue murder, she can keep it up for hours, literally several hours. She's been like that since she was a few days old. If that's learned behaviour, I'd love to know how she learned it, and from whom.

(OTOH if we work with her & let her fall asleep in her own way she sleeps right through, & has since she was 4 months old. I do not, therefore, think that difficulty in getting a child to sleep, constitutes a 'troubled sleeper'.)

OP - you know your child, and have her best interests as your priority. They don't, clearly.

Cazm2 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:22:03

Thank you for all your replies it really helps I am getting fed up of the judgemental looks from mil and sol I said I would see how she goes but I think 930-945 is her absolute limit. Christmas Day it was 9 and she was literally exhausted and literally collapsed when I got her out of car I didn't think it was much fun. If I am honest I don't want to shove her in a buggy in a corner as it doesn't really benefit me I will still watch what I drink and it's just hassle later getting her into bed. Even on holiday she won't sleep in a buggy cue a few eves trying to eat and entertain a fractious toddler. I certainly haven't taught her that it's not learnt from me or DH it's just how she has always been. I think someone made a good point about it being adult orientated as evening could have been a afternoon thing later eve thank you it's bend really helpful

Worriedkat Fri 27-Dec-13 23:31:21

My mil would worry about this as one of her 'wants' in advance of the occasion. Wanting the details to be perfect, no matter how unrealistic. When the party is in full swing and she is in the socialising flow with all her guests, her Dil leaving early with a tired child would be neither here nor there.

Whoever has primary responsibility for dealing with the child's welfare/ overtired behaviour gets to call it in my book.

monicalewinski Sat 28-Dec-13 00:03:38

They want her and you at the party.

Go to the party with the buggy and blanket with the 'intention' of putting her in the corner in the buggy (as far as you MIL is concerned), just play it by ear as the night goes on, and if by 9ish she's getting fractious, make your apologies and go, if she's ok then stay. By giving the impression that you have the intention of staying, everyone is happy - if you do end up leaving early nobody will be bothered because they'll be drunk anyway.

You are over thinking it all tbh, have a good night!

Cazm2 Sat 28-Dec-13 06:20:37

I have been made to overthink it as it's been made an issue by mil - also apparently she never did same with her children at parties. Unfortunately like someone said its me me without general thought about anyone esle. Sil is 29 going on 12 windsDD up then can't cope with aftermath I expect she will be pissed by 8 anyway!

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 28-Dec-13 06:40:01

Well you would still benefit from DD sleeping in her buggy so you can stay at the party a little longer, OP, even if you aren't drinking because you...get to stay at the party a little longer. Which I'm assuming is a good thing, but maybe you don't really want to be there, which is adding to this issue?

FWIW, one of my would stay up forever, literally keep going until he dropped in the wee small hours if we let him; the other needs sleep and can settle down practically anywhere, regardless of noise etc. I've done both letting them stay up and sleeping in the corner (judge away...) but I have also left a party hours earlier than planned once the drinking games started and the language descended pretty quickly into something inappropriate for small children.

Parties with children work best, IMO, when you don't over plan what will happen and ensure you gave nothing v special on the following day so you can all be lazy if needed.

differentnameforthis Sat 28-Dec-13 06:46:03

Do what you want op. My eldest would have slept in her pram, no problem & would have been lifted & put to bed easily. She would have coped, in other words & she did, one more than one occasion.

Dd2 however, never would have done this. She needs her bed to be able to fall asleep, no amount of walking around the block in a buggy, or shhhing, or anything would have got her to sleep in her buggy, tired or not.

Only you know your child, so do what is best for her.

Earlspearl Sat 28-Dec-13 07:32:02

All kids are different. I know many are saying stick the child in a buggy etc but it really depends on their normal sleeping routine

At that age my boys were all in bed (any bed anywhere) EVERY night at 7pm on the dot, sleeping till 7.00am. We would have struggled to do anything differently including pushing round in a buggy. My kids definitely fall into the category of needing lots of sleep and being really awful without. We have always had child free evenings.

My friends girls on the other hand never had a regular bed time and regularly fell asleep in front of the telly in the lounge mid evening. They would be sullen and a bit whiny the next day due to needing a bit more sleep but wouldn't have a total melt down (unlike mine would have on a late night). They seemed to semi function on less sleep and pushing it a bit more till midnight would have been doable.

Just like differentnameforthis , I have one DD who could cope with this, and one who couldn't. It was DD1 who couldn't, and no amount of rocking, shushing, patting, or walking, could get her to sleep in her pram. My ILs have all had lots of DCs, and apparently they would all happily nod off in their prams. So we would always try to stay out later, put her in her pram to sleep, as requested. Late family do's were a nightmare. She would scream if we tried putting her down, but if we let her stay up she was so tired she couldn't function, she couldn't even balance and would whine and cry about everything. She would get so tired she didn't even nod off in the car on the way home. DD2 on the other hand will sleep anywhere if I can rock her and sing Green Day.

The worst (and last!) time we tried to keep DD1 up(19M old), it took me over an hour of rocking and pacing to get her to calm down enough to be put in bed, then about 20 minutes of patting to get her to nod off. This was the child who settled herself to sleep from 2-3 months! The next day she was grumpy all day.

The old lines of "just put her down in her pram", "she'll sleep eventually" and "it's a one off!" really bug me. Not ALL children will be put down in their prams, not ALL children will sleep eventually at an event. It might well be a one off, but what purpose does it serve keeping an overtired fractious child there? The on-duty parent will just spend the whole time trying to soothe the child and won't really be able to socialise anyway, and it sure doesn't benefit the child at all.

I think your DH should be sticking up for what's best for you and your DD here, but if he thinks she should be able to stay out, then tell him he'll be in charge of her at the party, and the next day if she's grumpy, and you'll go have a drink! Highly unfair to ask you to go against your better judgement, then leave you dealing with the fall out.

MamaBear17 Sat 28-Dec-13 08:24:24

Really do stick to your guns! My dd is 2 1/2 and we had family over last night. She went to bed 3 hours later than usual, got up at the same time and has already had 2 meltdowns this morning. However, my neice, who was also up late is still fast asleep. All toddlers are different. You know yours best, so do things your own way!

MadeOfStarDust Sat 28-Dec-13 08:27:24

I think you need to be very careful - the party is for MIL - it is HER birthday... do what you like, but don't make it an "issue" - I have a sister who - at EVERY special event, family or otherwise, makes it all about her and her kids, and her problem that she has getting there, and home, and getting them to settle, and having a cold, and........- so much so that she is no longer invited to anything much.....

Cazm2 Sat 28-Dec-13 08:57:40

Thank you stardust but I haven't made am issue that's why I have come here to sound off, yes it is her birthday however I don't think that is overriding reason to be unreasonable about things, esp when the party is an eve party. It won't be the only time DD sees her as she lives 10 mins away!

jenniferlawrence Sat 28-Dec-13 09:02:56

YANBU. I don't like keeping my 2 year old up late, even on holiday. She likes her routine and falls apart if she's up past 8. It seems unfair to keep her up late personally. Even if she would sleep in a push chair with lots of noise and people around it still seems a bit unkind to me. Plus, like you said, you're the one who will have to look after a grumpy toddler the next day.

BadgerBumBag Sat 28-Dec-13 09:14:19

This type of subject always comes up in our family as sil has dcs who fall asleep anywhere or stay up happily until midnight, whereas I have a dd who will not fall asleep in her buggy and turns into a sobbing mess if pushed too late.

I sympathise. Do what feels right for you. I always get it in the neck but have stood my ground for 3 years now and finally the family are understanding dd is different to the others

Mumsyblouse Sat 28-Dec-13 09:16:21

Do what suits you and your child, my eldest wouldn't sleep where they dropped ever and we just went home about 8-9pm if we went out. I avoided evening meals with my MIL for about three years, because in her head, we were all continental and my dd would sit happily on someone's knee and play about til 10/11pm, but in reality, past 7.30. she would get whingey, wriggle, cry, drop to the floor and generally make my evening a misery. Wanting it to be so didn't make it so!

Knowing this, when we visited my IL's, me and my husband together agreed to put our kids to bed whenever suited us and to stop them getting overtired. I didn't give a monkey's about whether this was approved or whether everyone was talking about it, we did what suited our little family, kept the children from being ill with exhaustion the next day and now they are older (over 8), they can stay up til midnight and beyond if they want to.

My second would drop on the floor and sleep wherever,children differ, be a bit bullish about it, do what suits you and your child and tell your husband to be a bit more supportive.

Mumsyblouse Sat 28-Dec-13 09:18:06

Also- the MIL is at fault here, why not be pleased that her gd is going to be there til 9/10 instead of focusing on her not being there til midnight? It She's not a display item!

Inertia Sat 28-Dec-13 09:31:06

You know your baby better than anyone, so it's a good idea to plan to bring her home when she gets tired and unsettled. I think I would just stop discussing it with MIL and DH in advance, and probably drive rather than drink on the night of the party so I could bring D D home when she needed her bed.

It is pretty selfish of family to expect an exhausted small child to stay up late just to watch a bunch of adults getting drunk - your baby will be there long enough to see all the guests. And what's so special about midnight anyway, especially for a baby- are they expecting a midnight visit from Peppa Pig?

SirChenjin Sat 28-Dec-13 10:18:41

are they expecting a midnight visit from Peppa Pig?

Love it grin

Cazm2 Sat 28-Dec-13 11:07:51

Lol I don't think peppa pig is coming! I just don't like being told I am this and that for looking out for my DD!

ipswichwitch Sat 28-Dec-13 12:15:32

On my wedding day I ended up outside, alone for almost am hour trying to comfort my overtired and distraught 1yo DS , since he is most definitely not a "put them in a pushchair/in a corner and they'll fall asleep" type. He never has been despite best efforts, and cannot cope with being up past bedtime.

On the day of our wedding MIL promised me faithfully she'd take him home for his bedtime , or as far as we could push it before the hysteria started. She offered to do this (we were going to get a babysitter ) but obviously decided she'd show us that it could've done by disappearing when he got beyond tired. I lost an hour of my wedding trying to calm and settle him, some guests left without me getting chance to say goodbye (still pissed off about that), and MIL had a hideous night and morning with him. Funnily enough she's never suggested keeping him up past bedtime again!

I guess the moral of the story is that you should make the people that insist on keeping DC up deal with them once they get to the hysterical stage cos they sure as hell won't hassle you about it again!

BlackDaisies Sun 29-Dec-13 21:02:36

What happened in the end OP?!

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