should I pay the train fares for DCs?

(39 Posts)
NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 17:37:18

to give a bit of background I should have some CSA money coming in after it was stopped by ex for three months, but do not have internet banking so cannot find out if the money is there without driving into town and my car is fucked. We live in deep deep country btw.
right so ex has decided he would like the children to visit him and I should pay the fares and 'he will pay me back' (like fun he will).
the fares would be just over £50.
previously he stopped paying for over 7 years and has no regular contact of any kind.
additionally when we had SS intervention he claimed to them that I had 'always prevented him from seeing the children' - this was an outright lie as there were many many times when I took them to London on the train to meet him at my expense and on several occasions he cancelled at the last minute or just didnt show up and switched his phone off. After that there were quite a few years when he made no attempt at contact.
he has just been on the phone to them, refused to talk to me about it, and left the son as go-between between us.
I am now really hand to mouth and do not see why his CSA money should go towards facilitating contact
oh crumbs now he is on the phone again and wants to discuss it with me....
brb.

RedLondonBus Thu 26-Dec-13 17:39:42

You can ring your bank.... Automated service gives last few transactions

How old are the dc?

No. You shouldn't.

I know your want your DCs to have contact, and that's lovely and generous of you. But if you don't have the money, you don't have the money.

Food and clothing and a roof over their heads needs to be your (and his) priority.

If he wants to see them, he can buy the tickets and send them.

LineRunner Thu 26-Dec-13 17:40:17

OP, I see you on other threads being so assertive .... so why this? No, don't bale him out.

ENormaSnob Thu 26-Dec-13 17:41:26

No i wouldnt

ZillionChocolate Thu 26-Dec-13 17:41:29

Is it possible for him to buy the tickets and you to collect them? Possibly not, may require his card to collect.

moldingsunbeams Thu 26-Dec-13 17:46:01

My ex tried this, wanting me to travel 2 hours each way to drop off and then go home then go back and collect again, cost nearly a hundred quid which of course he would pay back :S csa money is for essential childrens costs.

My friend does travel but received money for train and hotel to do so.

moldingsunbeams Thu 26-Dec-13 17:48:25

Just tell him you haven't got £50 and he can either send you tickets in post of visit himself.

NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 17:50:16

oh great .
they are 15.
he has just refused to talk to me any further about it, told me to 'fuck off' and hung up on me.
he suggested that I book the tickets and he 'pay me back half of it', to which i said no.
bloody bloody twat.

Mellowandfruitful Thu 26-Dec-13 17:50:38

No, you should not pay for this. He is trying to take you for a mug. He can come and get them himself if he is bothered.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 26-Dec-13 17:51:07

Tell him to go fuck himself

He can set up a Paypal account and send money instantly via that. He can put money straight into your bank account.

If he doesn't, then he doesn't want contact, he wants to play power games.

You haven't got the cash spare, why you are even considering it, I don't know, tbh.

If the commitment isn't there, you are doing your children no good In the long run.

CSIJanner Thu 26-Dec-13 17:54:37

YANBU

He can pay for tickets and yourself plus the children can goto the train station to pick up using the reference number and some photo ID (passport) as he should be booking the tickets under your name.

Bet he doesn't like the solution though....

Mellowandfruitful Thu 26-Dec-13 17:55:07

Miserable fucker!

X Post, you don't have to speak to him, now he has become abusive.

It is a simple thing for him to arrange.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 26-Dec-13 17:55:27

Sounds like your kids are better off without him to be honest.

SantasPelvicFloor Thu 26-Dec-13 17:56:47

No. Don't pay. It will set up a pattern. If he really wanted to see them he would do more to make it happen

NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 18:08:16

thank you my lovelies you helped me be more assertive!
guess what he is coming to collect them (in his Jag.)....but i am not holding my breath.
hope he has satnav cos he will never find this place without it!

moldingsunbeams Thu 26-Dec-13 18:19:30

If they are 15 let them organise access with him directly, they are old enough. Its not your problem now unless there is an issue. Give them a cheap phone, give him the number and leave him to it.

NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 18:21:00

yes I have said this to them, that they are old enough to arrange things with him directly now.

NigellasDealer Fri 27-Dec-13 11:22:24

what a dull boy he is - well he slept on it and must have realised that petrol for the jag vs. sending me the money to book the tickets was a no brainer
and soooo...he sent me the money direct to my paypal account (using his wife's card obvs)
tickets booked end of story.
thank the good lord for easy divorce is all i can say.

Mellowandfruitful Sat 28-Dec-13 21:59:41

Well done OP - that's the value of assertiveness! Perhaps his current wife'll turn up here one day...

NigellasDealer Tue 31-Dec-13 03:18:32

well i hope nobody minds me using this thread for an update, save me starting a new thread?

so off they went and he spent the time slating me to them, taking their clothes out of their bags and sniffing at them and then getting his wife to wash them again. Also saying that if i did not buy them good clothes then his 600 a month was wasted (it is not that much it is about 450 at the moment, and is not reliable)

(my son was wearing a rather good Jasper Conran pea coat and my daughter a nice EWM jacket btw)

he said my son had been wearing the same socks for a week and that his shoes were 'more or less falling apart' (grr not true)

He spent a lot of time slagging me off in Polish to his mum and his wife which the children can understand the gist of....

then he phones me this morning right and says that as my son smokes he doesn't want him around! then I have the son on the phone begging to come back, in the end i agreed as i was worried that he would leave anyway! so the ex told them that I 'sounded mental' and put the son on the train with £3, knowing that I could not pick him up and that it would be too late for our little country bus. oh and did not tell me what train he was on! I mean ok smoking is bad but hitching alone at night along a dark B road is probably worse for your health right? well he is a resourceful boy and got back fine but still....

he also laughed about my daughter studying engineering and asked why she didnt do animal care or something instead.....

i am so ......angry. his priorities are so warped - he has done the minimum of parenting over the years as outlined in previous post, yet is now giving it large as superdad!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr angry
any advice? or just go along with what the children say/want?

Danann Tue 31-Dec-13 03:27:14

I would go with exactly what your children decide, they are old enough to know what they want. Hope poor DS is ok, obviously he shouldnt be smoking but he doesn't deserve to be treated like that! when is DD home?

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Tue 31-Dec-13 03:29:00

What an absolute twunt. I have nothing else of value to add unless you'd like to slag him off with me?

Agree with LineRunner too. If you're half as assertive in real life as you are on here you'll figure it out and not let him take the piss like he is doing. Personally after the train part I'd stop contact if he isn't getting them home safely!

Genuinely angry on your behalf here.

NigellasDealer Tue 31-Dec-13 03:30:28

he is going to drive her back on new years day in the Jag. only idiots drive jags.
i know smoking is bad but it doesn't mean you stop being their parent does it?
both me and the ex were smoking from a young age and so was my dad, doesn't mean you get disowned!

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Tue 31-Dec-13 03:31:35

No it doesn't warrant disowning at all, it's just lazy parenting isn't it? He sounds like a child. Playing games and trying to rile you up

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Tue 31-Dec-13 03:33:07

And if his shoes are falling apart, which I'm sure they're not, it's a perfect excuse for him to put his hand in his pocket angry

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Tue 31-Dec-13 03:33:31

Sorry your DC not 'his'

NigellasDealer Tue 31-Dec-13 03:38:44

thank you danaan and baubles for your supportive posts - you and linerunner are right, I am vg at being assertive on the internet, time to make sure I am equally so in real life!
my dad was furious (as an ex smoker!) but mostly about the £3 - I mean it should have been at least ten or twenty really shouldn't it, for phonecalls, snacks, busfare and emergencies. It was from the south midlands to west wales ffs.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Tue 31-Dec-13 03:44:55

Yes get that forum fire in your belly at aim it at that tosser. The smoking is a none issue he's just trying to pin anythin on you and make you feel bad

Cerisier Tue 31-Dec-13 03:46:42

So he didn't make sure DS could get home safely? What kind of Dad does that? A 15 YO thinks they are invincible but a DF should know better.

Mind you I think you are being too relaxed about the smoking. I wouldn't be excusing it but asking for help in getting DS. Are you paying for the cigarettes?

Cerisier Tue 31-Dec-13 03:47:45

*getting DS off the cigarettes

NigellasDealer Tue 31-Dec-13 03:49:41

aim it at that tosser grin will do
Are you paying for the cigarettes? well I guess so indirectly yes...blush

Joysmum Tue 31-Dec-13 03:51:16

The bloke's a twat.

Try to avoid commenting on him and instead concentrate on your own positive parenting.

Your children can draw their own conclusions about him and you just need to support the choices they make regarding him and be ready to comfort when their father has more twatty moments in the future and reassure them that they are amazing kids.

I'd talk to both kids when they get back and let them know that they need to make their own arraignments to visit their Dad if they want to see him. I was doing that at 12.
Ask do they really want to put themselves through that again at 15 if my Dad had gone through my bag sniffing my stuff I'd have been horrified and insulted and not want to stay over with him again.

Sparklymommy Tue 31-Dec-13 09:20:37

How does your ds feel about the whole thing?

NigellasDealer Tue 31-Dec-13 10:14:26

well you are right squinkies, my dad did not live with us when I was that age and he would not have dreamt of behaving like that, and we made our own arrangements although that was easier as he was only a few miles away.
sparkly I will not share the language with you but suffice to say he will not be going there again in a hurry...
i feel sorry for him really.

Danann Tue 31-Dec-13 10:53:05

i know smoking is bad but it doesn't mean you stop being their parent does it? No of course it doesn't! I started smoking at 13, my parents found out when i was 15, they never disowned me for it, although my mum used to tell me that I stunk and sprayed me with airfreshner/deodorant every time she walked into the room. She also told me constantly that no one wanted to snog an ashtray (little did she know the only guy I wanted to snog smoked too.)

That is a long journey to survive on £3, especially as getting a hot drink on the train costs an arm and a leg.

I do so hope he scratches his jag on a hedge.

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