Aibu - she gave it to my sister

(92 Posts)
CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 16:39:17

I'm not sure I am prepared to be told I am being unreasonable. Anyway... today I gave my mum a lovely and expensive and designery jumper that has only been worn a few times. It isn't a xmas present. It is gorgeous and it was pricey but I just haven't been wearing it. I mean - I might wear it at some point but I thought I could make good use of it by giving it to mum.

So I gave it to my mum - specifying it was for her and her alone. If she didn't want it, I would have another use for it. Keep it for a special occasion maybe? I asked her if she wanted it and she said she would indeed love to have it. I laboured the point that it was for her etc.

She has given it to my sister.

I feel incredibly awkward about it. Not that I don't love my sis but it was for mum.

Aibu to specify who it goes to? I mean - once you give something to someone, does it become none of one's business? I wanted to gift it to my mum and my mum alone. Is that unreasonable? Fgs if she wan't that fussed she could have said. But she didn't. She accepted it. And I did labour the point.

TheSmallClanger Thu 26-Dec-13 16:40:39

It's not up to you what happens to a present after you've given it.

It's also really hard to say you don't want a present without offending someone.

ineedanexcuse Thu 26-Dec-13 16:43:17

It might be an awkward conversation but you need to ask her why she has given away the jumper you specifically said was just for her.

Maybe she has a very good reason to give it to your sister.

Is this a normal thing for her to do? Im guessing it is since you laboured the point NOT to give the jumper away if she didnt want it herself.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 26-Dec-13 16:43:24

It's your sister, I don't see what's the problem.

Lweji Thu 26-Dec-13 16:43:28

It is a bit odd that she gave it away the same day, but if you do give something to someone it becomes none of your business what they do with it.

Did you start by asking her if she would like to have it for her, or did you tell her to have it?

Maybe your sister saw it and said she would love to have it, so your mother gave it away?

sweetmelissa Thu 26-Dec-13 16:44:35

I wonder why you felt you needed to labour the point it was just for HER(you mentioned several times in your post that you had)? Is it because she has done things like this before?

My mum very often gives presents away that I have given her - or worse, having forgotten, gives them back to me the following Christmas. But it makes me laugh, she means no harm by it, it's just one of the quirky things she does.

Sorry if this did make you upset though.

Minnieisthechristmasmouse Thu 26-Dec-13 16:45:44

Tbh I doubt your mum thought sister counted as a person. I mean she wouldn't offer to a mate, but if dsis loved it then she didn't count it as 'giving it away'.

AwfulMaureen Thu 26-Dec-13 16:46:28

I think you sound precious and odd. You gave it away...give things in a generous spirit if you want but don't "labour points" about them as you give them.

AwfulMaureen Thu 26-Dec-13 16:47:32

As someone else said, why are you bothered? It was your sister...not a random stranger.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 26-Dec-13 16:51:31

I find it really odd that you specified it was for your mum oy and repeated this to her more than once! Why? Why, if you dont want it and she doesnt want it, then why cant your sister make use of it instead of lying in a drawer?

YANBU if you laboured the point.

I'd be pissed if my mum gave my sister a piece of clothing I'd meant for her. My sister is an entitled princess sometimes and my mum indulges her so I'd be annoyed. Is this the same with your dsis?

BrianTheMole Thu 26-Dec-13 16:55:39

If you told her that it was for her, and if she didn't want it then you would keep it, then of course she's bu.

BrianTheMole Thu 26-Dec-13 16:56:47

Ask her why she gave it away.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:03:06

Again, to those asking, I wanted to give something nice to my mum and this was just such an item. I didn't want to give it if she was only going to give it away - sis or no sis. As I said, I would have another use for it. It was for mum or I would hang on to it. I usually give things freely when I give things away but this jumper is special.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:03:38

Brian - she said my sister wanted it.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:05:18

Meant to add my sister is not entitled at all. A perfectly nice sister. She was in the room when I gave the jumper to my mum and heard the whole conversation. is that relevant?

OwlinaTree Thu 26-Dec-13 17:05:58

Will the sister wear it or put it on eBay?

Erm yes! You dmum & dsis are both BU then because you had made your intentions clear by giving it to your mum and NOT giving it to dsis. Think your mum needs to be a bit more assertive with your dsis and say 'No'.

Lweji Thu 26-Dec-13 17:09:58

If she was in the room, then she should have asked you to have it instead, or maybe she pushed your mum later, or asked her if she really wanted it.

Why should it be only for your mum and not your sister, though?

JoyceDivision Thu 26-Dec-13 17:10:14

So its an unwanted item of clothing, its a hand me down you've passed on to your mum as you don't wear it, and while you don't have any issue with your sister, you're not happy she has the item of clothing you don't want anymore?

Maybe your mum liked the top but not as much as your sis, maybe she really liked it but daren't ask you for it since you were labouring the point in front of her that it was only for your mum!

Sorry, but i fond it v strange of you don't want something and give it away, then its gone and no longer yours, yet be unhappy as to what's happened to it since?

Very odd!

JoyceDivision Thu 26-Dec-13 17:11:42

My mum, sister and I all swap clothes,,, once they leave teh house you've no idea who yuo will see wearing them! Do find itrodd to getrid of stuff when you admit you don't want them anymore but wish to control things that you don't want?

MrsDeVere Thu 26-Dec-13 17:16:03

Captain my DM does this all the time.
I used to spend a lot of time finding things to give her only to find she had 'lent' them to other family members.
Either that or I would see them at her house with the packaging still on.

Its hurtful. Maybe I shouldn't care but I can't help it.

So now I don't put so much thought into present choosing. It saves the upset.

Ironically DM loves to go on about what a cow her MIL was about presents. How she didn't appreciate them and gave them away etc.

Its not something that comes with age is it? Any 60 + MNers out there who can advise?


MellowAutumn Thu 26-Dec-13 17:17:07

Have you thought about getting out more, or starting a hobby?

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:18:44

Sigh - are we all listening? It was something nice for my mum. I wanted my mum to have it. From my OP - I just haven't been wearing it. I mean - I might wear it at some point but I thought I could make good use of it by giving it to my mum.

Owlina - I don't think she will put it on eBay or anything like that.
gertrude - I think the assertiveness thing is a good point.

Lweji Thu 26-Dec-13 17:18:47

This is a problem I'll never have. Sis and I can swap clothes, but not with our mum, or even SIL. <evil laughter>

Lweji Thu 26-Dec-13 17:20:39

Yes, it was something nice second hand to your mum, we get it.
But why?
And are you sure she actually wanted it? Had she ever said she really liked it?

You sound a bit pushy and controlling, TBH.

givemeaclue Thu 26-Dec-13 17:20:46

Borrow it back if you want it to wear in future

MellowAutumn Thu 26-Dec-13 17:22:46

Its a second hand jumper ffs - get over yourself and get over the jumper

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:24:08

Nice idea, givemeaclue grin

Vivacia Thu 26-Dec-13 17:25:20

Why did you feel the need to labour the point about it being for HER and only HER and that you were gifting it to HER?

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully Thu 26-Dec-13 17:26:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:27:44

Viva - sorry if not clear. From my OP (because) if she didn't want it, I would have another use for it. Keep it for a special occasion maybe?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Thu 26-Dec-13 17:27:53

Are you listening .You come across as very rude.
I understand your issue completely but the tone you use on here is condescending.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:28:26

Deck - I guess that's what I was wondering.

KingRollo Thu 26-Dec-13 17:28:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Changebagsandtinselrags Thu 26-Dec-13 17:30:47

The jumper is special, so it will be nice that your sister wears it.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:31:58

Rollo - your two last points are a distinct possibility. I'm grrr -ing at the thought that if she didn't like it, she could have / should have said.

Coconutty Thu 26-Dec-13 17:35:02

Once you give something away you no longer have a say. Just out of interest what other use would you have found rather than let your sister have it?

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:37:15

Coco as per my OP, keep it for a special occasion maybe?

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:38:10

And Coco - you are another one who says once you give something away you no longer have a say. I take the point.

Vivacia Thu 26-Dec-13 17:38:35

sorry if not clear. From my OP (because) if she didn't want it, I would have another use for it. Keep it for a special occasion maybe?

Well, I don't think it was clear. It's odd to say, "do you want this? I don't wear it. But if you don't want it, I'll keep it for another purpose, such as wearing it".

TheGhostOfPortoPast Thu 26-Dec-13 17:40:21

I can see a scenario here were you were pushing this jumper at her as a big favour, and she didn't want to hurt your feelings that she didn't actually want it.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:41:32

It's a good paraphrase, Viva. Except your last bit. I specifically said 'Keep it for a special occasion maybe...'. I have been very clear that this was the alternative.

pixiepotter Thu 26-Dec-13 17:42:32

'Sigh - are we all listening? It was something nice for my mum. I wanted my mum to have it.'

sounds like your mum didn't want it! There must be a reason you don't wear it.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:43:10

An absolute possibility, Ghost. looking back...yes. I will have to ask her at some point. I just wish she could have been honest and said 'No dearie. You keep it. I don't want it...'

Lweji Thu 26-Dec-13 17:43:16

You're not making much sense.

Special clothes I like, I keep for special occasions.

If I don't like them, I set them free to anyone who likes them, but they can give them away.
If you wanted to give something special to your mum, why not a proper gift?

How did you come up with the idea of giving her this jumper? You either wanted it or not.
And you still didn't say why did you think she'd like it. Yes, I know she said she liked it when you asked, but how did the whole idea come about?

Personally, I wouldn't think a hand me down would be that special that I couldn't give it away. Regardless of what people said to me when giving it.

Vivacia Thu 26-Dec-13 17:43:31

I was quoting from your opening post, "Keep it for a special occasion maybe?".

TheSmallClanger Thu 26-Dec-13 17:44:57

I absolutely think that your mum wasn't that keen on the jumper, but didn't want to hurt your feelings, or sound like she was questioning your taste by refusing it.

If you had lent her the jumper with the intention of getting it back, you wouldn't be BU, but you gave it to her, so it was hers to do what she wanted with.

foreverondiet Thu 26-Dec-13 17:46:44

Speak to your mum and ask her to ask sister for it back. You were clear that it was only for her.

If she won't then tell sister your mum misunderstood you and that your mum had only borrowed it and you want it back, although if she has a special occasion shortly that she wants to wear it to, thats fine.

Don't overthink - your mum misunderstood.

MimiSunshine Thu 26-Dec-13 17:50:13

you were lending the jumper to your mum? Seen as you say you may want it back to wear at an unspecified date in the future.
But it doesn't seem like she had actually asked you if she could borrow it, more like you forced it on her thought she'd appreciate it. Either you gave it to her or you didn't not some half way house of "here have this but I want to retain a degree of ownership over it".

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 17:50:50

Clanger - I think that's it. But if only she could have said.

I am getting some good feedback re the concept of once you have gifted it, it's up to the recipient as to what they do with it.

wetaugust Thu 26-Dec-13 18:01:01

OP - you've been on here for 90 mins bleating about a bloody jumper that you wanted -
but didn't want -
but actually might have wanted after all -
but didn't want your DS to have?

If this was me, I'd be seeking professional help.

sykadelic15 Thu 26-Dec-13 18:01:34

Nope not BU. I suggest you get it back from your sister or have your mum get it back. Your mum gave away something that was not hers to give away.

You essentially loant it to your mum for her use. If she didn't want it your OP makes it perfectly clear you would have kept it and you make it clear you actually SAID those things.

I would simply go to your mum and tell her there was obviously a misunderstanding. You weren't giving your mum the jumper to give away. You were loaning it to HER. If she didn't want it, you would make use of it so she needs to get it back off your sister.

Snowdown Thu 26-Dec-13 18:08:33

Maybe it didn't suit your mum and it suited your sister better and given that you didn't want it why would it matter who wore it?
Does your mum find it hard to say no to you?

moldingsunbeams Thu 26-Dec-13 18:08:35

My mum gives me stuff all the time and I do pass on what I don't WAnt but to be fair to op if she said she really liked it but was offering it to me because I would get more use I would pass it back rather than on.

DoItTooBabyJesus Thu 26-Dec-13 18:11:46

I think you need to decide if there was malice in it? Did she do it to spite you?

Why didn't your sister pipe up?

Are they joking?

Is your mum hard of hearing?

Does she have form for this?

Weird though, whatever the motive.

VonHerrBurton Thu 26-Dec-13 18:15:28

You said you were prepared to be told ywbu, I don't think you were.

I have a sister, and a mum, we're all similar sizes and im desperately trying to imagine a scenario where I would sit in a room, with aforementioned, and insist over and over that it was for mum. I think that in itself is rude.

As someone has said upthread, you do sound slightly controlling and a bit aggressive - maybe your mum didn't want to say no, but your sister really wanted to say "ooh, I love that, id love to try it" but was maybe a bit, erm, intimidated?

Jemma1111 Thu 26-Dec-13 18:27:06

Op you really do need to have a word with yourself over this .

It's a 'jumper' Ffs , get over it

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Thu 26-Dec-13 18:37:20

I think I get it. You have a lovely jumper, but you don't wear it. It's something you might wear for special occasions. It seems a shame to have a lovely jumper in your wardrobe that isn't being worn. You think your mum would like it and it would make a lovely gift. You think it's better that your mum have it and wear it once a month, than for you to keep it and wear it once a year.

VonHerrBurton Thu 26-Dec-13 18:49:09

Yes, Still

VonHerrBurton Thu 26-Dec-13 18:50:11

Yes, Still,

VonHerrBurton Thu 26-Dec-13 18:51:55

Sorry, phone gone bonkers!!! The thing is, Still, why not her

VonHerrBurton Thu 26-Dec-13 18:51:59

Sorry, phone gone bonkers!!! The thing is, Still, why not her sist

sweetmelissa Thu 26-Dec-13 18:53:45

It was a lovely thing you did to give your mum a special jumper. I hope that the gesture was taken well and she was pleased.

Maybe now she has passed it onto your sister who was equally pleased.

One jumper. Two happy people??? Just a thought x

perfectstorm Thu 26-Dec-13 19:06:30

I think what you're saying is that it wasn't unwanted, in fact you love it, but you love your Mum more and wanted to give her the chance to wear it as you don't get to very often, and it's obscenely expensive. Is that right? So it was actually a bit of a sacrificed possession to someone you love very much to treat her, and you strongly worded it so she knew you didn't want it regifted, and she then did just that the same day and to someone in the room at the same time you explained all this?

I think that's a bit different to giving an unwanted item to someone, at which point it does become theirs. I also think passing a gifted item on that same day to someone in the same house is cheeky. We all regift, but surely we try not to do it tactlessly - this would be, even if it had been with a brand new Xmas present IMO.

LookingThroughTheFog Thu 26-Dec-13 19:17:07

I'm suddenly really pleased that all my clothing is crappy, and I'm saved the trauma of gifting things on.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 19:27:09

perfectstorm - you put so eloquently what I struggled to convey: I think what you're saying is that it wasn't unwanted, in fact you love it, but you love your Mum more and wanted to give her the chance to wear it as you don't get to very often, and it's obscenely expensive. Is that right? So it was actually a bit of a sacrificed possession to someone you love very much to treat her, and you strongly worded it so she knew you didn't want it regifted, and she then did just that the same day and to someone in the room at the same time you explained all this?

YES! Yes.

VonnHerr You said you were prepared to be told ywbu, I don't think you were.
No - I said the opposite. I said I'm not sure I am prepared to be told iabu.

It may just be a jumper to some jumping on me on this thread but perfectstorm sums it up perfectly.

Caitlin17 Thu 26-Dec-13 19:27:38

Unbelievably unreasonable. Basically you gave away a used jumper.

Vivacia Thu 26-Dec-13 19:31:51

Basically you gave away a used jumper

No Caitlin she gifted it.

Caitlin17 Thu 26-Dec-13 19:37:30

What sort of special occasion would it be appropriate to wear a jumper to?

wetaugust Thu 26-Dec-13 19:44:18

'Sacrifice' confused Oh please!

It was a jumper, not a fucking kidney.

Get a grip.

Lweji Thu 26-Dec-13 19:49:46

I think we need to see this special gold lined jumper to evaluate how precious it was. grin

perfectstorm Thu 26-Dec-13 19:50:25

Yeah, I understand. My mum gave me a cashmere coat once as she no longer wore it, but still loved it, and she'd have been gutted had I given it away. It was a sacrifice on her part. And I wouldn't have dreamed of handing it on to anyone else - I'd give it back if I didn't wear it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It is a sacrifice to give away something you love to someone else, even if they will get more use from it. Sorry wetaugust, but I think your post is rather facile.

wetaugust Thu 26-Dec-13 19:58:39

And loving clothes to this extent is not just facile - it's also very shallow.

Caitlin17 Thu 26-Dec-13 19:59:17

I love clothes, I spend a lot of money on clothes. I had accumulated a large wardrobe of beautiful, classic, timeless, tailored clothes which I reluctantly admitted will never fit again. I gave 5 suitcases of really beautiful pieces this year to 2 grown up daughters of a friend, who unlike me , are slim enough to wear them. I said I was more than happy for the girls to share them with friends, I just wanted the clothes to be worn. They loved them.

Cabrinha Thu 26-Dec-13 20:01:21

Do I have a different understanding of what a jumper is?!
It's just a top, that you wear, right? I have owned items of clothing that I've loved but... I'm just amused and confused at the specialness of this item! It's a jumper.

Caitlin17 Thu 26-Dec-13 20:03:06

wetaugustI don't think loving clothes is facile or shallow. I have some really lovely stuff and the girls I gave the stuff were thrilled to get clothes way out of their price range.

TheSmallClanger Thu 26-Dec-13 20:03:24

Giving someone a jumper you never wear is not a sacrifice. Seriously, it isn't. As you don't seem to have other problems with your family, I think you are being a drama llama. Just forget about the bloody jumper and move on. In future, don't give things away.

fivegolddeblooms Thu 26-Dec-13 20:09:28

I get it, OP.

Your Mum didn't have to take it, but she did.

Your sister sat there in the same room, watching the exchange, then basically snaffled it.

So what if some snidey gobshites on here consider it not good enough as it was 'only second hand' it had worth to you and you gave it to your Mum, who was then demonstrably unappreciative.


pianodoodle Thu 26-Dec-13 20:11:05

I wanted my mum to have it. From my OP - I just haven't been wearing it. I mean - I might wear it at some point but I thought I could make good use of it by giving it to my mum.

This just seems a really complicated way to "give" something to someone. It's too ambiguous. Either you are lending it or giving it.

If you say you might wear it at some point you are lending it and should have just asked your mum if she wanted to borrow it. That would have made things clearer than giving it with conditions attached.

Mignonette Thu 26-Dec-13 20:11:16

DH gave a really cool pair of Wayfarers to his son after the son mooned over them and said if he got tired of them he'd have them back (because son follows trends and might not wear them for long). The son gave them to his sisters BF (who admired them) and the BF dumped the sister two days later.


Caitlin17 Thu 26-Dec-13 20:27:21

I was wondering about the jumper too. All I can think of that would be so special would be something like a genuine hand knitted Fair Isle or Arran which can cost hundreds of pounds, but they're not special occasion wear and you can get loads of wear out of them.

PosyNarker Thu 26-Dec-13 21:21:47

I get it OP.

There's a difference (income dependent of course) between giving away something you got in Primark randomly and something you picked up in Harvey Nichols or really fancied for a long time before buying maybe with a small discount.

I have a dress that's the latter. It's a gorgeous bandage dress that is a just a little too tight now, although it was a perfect fit when I got it. If I gave it to someone and they regifted it, I'd be royally fucked off because it would genuinely be a gift and I would probably prefer to hold onto it in the hope of weightloss than gift it to a random (special occasion dress, not well worn). If on the other hand, it's a jumper I randomly picked up in M&S, I probably wouldn't give a shiny shit.

GrendelsMum Thu 26-Dec-13 21:29:37

No, I get this (I think)

You love your mum, and wanted to share something lovely with her. You know that your mum tends not to treat herself to expensive / high-quality clothing, whereas your DSis has lots of expensive things already. You wanted your mum to have one high quality jumper, but you know she has a habit of giving away things she thinks are expensive, because she thinks that she's an old lady and doesn't need anything nice for herself. So you gave her the expensive jumper thinking she would value it as much as you did. And she gave it away straight away to your DSis who already has a wardrobe of expensive clothes.

I'd get it back from DSis, sell it on ebay, and buy your mum something more to her taste.

Can you tell this has happened in our house?

CrapBag Thu 26-Dec-13 21:31:04

I get it op. Yanbu. Sounds like sister couldn't wait to jump in and have it given that heard the whole exchange.

I swear some people on here are deliberately obtuse at times.

FredFredGeorge Thu 26-Dec-13 21:58:24

Your mum didn't want it - your sister did, YABU.

You did something nice for your mum, you helped her give something nice for her daughter.

You sound a bit bonkers (mind you so do your sister and mum for not simply having the conversation about who wants the jumper that nobody else really likes)

perfectstorm Thu 26-Dec-13 22:08:43

And loving clothes to this extent is not just facile - it's also very shallow.

Whereas posting on MN in a way calculated to belittle and demean others as a way of not-too-subtly validating yourself is evidence of a deep and grounded nature? You'll forgive me if I take your proclaimed set of values with a fairly sizeable pinch of salt, on the sole evidence available to me here.

TheSmallClanger Thu 26-Dec-13 22:23:40

This is seriously not worth causing a family row about. It's a bloody jumper.

When I first clicked in this, I assumed that this was something the OP had lent, or been left in a will, or left at her mum's house accidentally. All of those situations have happened to me, and she would have had my sympathy. However, she GAVE THE JUMPER AWAY. It is no longer hers.

CaptainTripps Thu 26-Dec-13 22:23:44

Thanks perfectstorm. How do you do it? I mean - you just get brilliantly to the point re all the things I want to say but can't due to too much xmas indulging.

I was fully expecting to be told iwbu and was prepared to meet my own idiocy head-on. But honestly, some people just take it too far. Thanks for all the understanding from you and the decent folk on I've encountered on here.

I have eaten a huge slice of humble pie and wished my sister happy days with the garment - not that she knows the trauma.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Thu 26-Dec-13 23:24:21

'Are we all listening?'

Er....yes, we are. Listen to this....' YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE'.

BrianTheMole Fri 27-Dec-13 01:17:06

No we about it inspace, so speak for yourself. Personally, I don't think the op is being unreasonable.

LouiseAderyn Sat 28-Dec-13 20:43:02

YANBU! It was rude and hurtful of your mother to give it away and rude of your sister to ask for it/accept it, given that she was privy to the initial conversation you had with your mum.

I think you should tell your mum how you feel. It is not 'just a jumper' and some posters on here are being deliberately mean obtuse!

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