Dsis charging for Christmas dinner.

(363 Posts)
MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 02:11:17

Hi.
We are going to my dsis for Christmas dinner this year. This is the first year she has hosted.
In previous years my dmum or I have hosted and on these years have footed the bill except if somebody has offered to bring alcohol or puddings with them. I have just had a text from my dsis telling me that she has worked out the bill and it is £16 per head so I need to pay £64 for me, dp and 2dc (5 and 7). Now I do not consider myself to be tight but feel angered about the way this has been done because it really does feel that she is charging her own dniece and dnephew to eat. Aibu to feel rattled by this?

Bluecarrot Tue 24-Dec-13 02:13:44

Work out how much you spent in prior years, deduct her £64 and invoice her?

givemeaclue Tue 24-Dec-13 02:14:05

Yanbu that is outrageous. If she couldn't afford to host she should have said so up front or asked people to bring things with them I.e one bring pudding, one bring crackers etc. she could have said, I will host but will need everyone to make a financial contribution etc.

It is late in the day to charge for Xmas! what you do about it though I don't know!

Bluecarrot Tue 24-Dec-13 02:14:24

And YANBU!

magicstar1 Tue 24-Dec-13 02:15:16

Text her back "haha, you almost had me there ;-)"

Gossipyfishwife Tue 24-Dec-13 02:15:33

I think your DSis is a tight arse if you have previously hosted her and her family.

Tell her this and present her with a bill for past meals or offer to trade it for this year's dinner.

I hate meanness. It is the most unappealing failing.

CrazyHamstersbigbaubles Tue 24-Dec-13 02:15:42

No YANBU & £16 to feed one child is bloody ridiculous .

If any of my relatives did this is tell them where to get off .
It would be different if she had said 'oh could you give a small contribution or bring the pudding' but that's just taking the biscuit .

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 24-Dec-13 02:15:47

i simply wouldnt go if this is the case and i would point out that in previous years the host has not charged!

PenguinBear Tue 24-Dec-13 02:15:56

Love the idea of what she owes you! Reply saying after totalling up all the years you served her she owes x amount to you!!

steff13 Tue 24-Dec-13 02:17:10

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I actually your sister is being quite tactless. Hosting a large dinner can be expensive, but I think it would have been more appropriate for her to suggest a potluck rather than a cover charge.

BrianTheMole Tue 24-Dec-13 02:17:25

Is she a bit skint? Even so, she can't charge that for the kids.

FatOwl Tue 24-Dec-13 02:18:19

I do know some families that put into a "kitty" to buy the xmas dinner, so the financial burden isn't all on the host family.

But that obviously isn't the case here.

I agree invoice her for the previous years- if you've done it more than once you might end up in profit

Cheeky cow

AgentZigzag Tue 24-Dec-13 02:19:02

hmm Tell her to go fuck herself?

Maybe not, Christmas season and all that.

Charging the same for children who eat like birds as she is for the adults shock

If you don't want to cause a ruckus while you give her a lesson in manners, just keep putting her off if she asks for it, talking as though you meant/mean to do it but keep forgetting.

Or you could go down the road of laughing heartily in her face saying you thought she was having a joke with you, going deadly serious and in shock at her transgression when she says she wasn't grin

AgentZigzag Tue 24-Dec-13 02:22:33

And I can well believe this, I was in shock when DH told me his dad had told his brother he owed £50 for the week he'd stopped over at Christmas.

DH didn't get a bill because he lived there but BIL didn't so he got charged board.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 02:23:10

Thank you so much for replying I feel so much better for knowing I anbu. She is far from short of money has no dcs of her own (although is expecting, so I don't feel I can say much). She earns about double our household income. It isn't really the money but the principle which has left me so annoyed. In her text she said it is cheaper than any meal out so I have text saying that I mistakenly thought it was a family Christmas not a meal out but will be sure to settle the bill on the daywink I have decided just to go down for dinner, bite my tongue and not drink and then come home eatlier than planned so I don't end up saying something I will regret. I guess the main thing is the dcs have a good afternoin with all the family. Im determined not to let this ruin our family day but needless to say I will be avoiding events hosted by her from now on. Bloody familiesangry

Whowouldfardelsbear Tue 24-Dec-13 02:27:32

Do all the left overs get divvied up then? Take some Tupperware for your 'share' of the leftover turkey wink

MrsAMerrick Tue 24-Dec-13 02:29:26

yanbu, as others have said if she is much poorer than you and your parents she should have said from the outset that she would need people to bring a contribution. Billing you instead is outrageous.
I think you need to take a deep breath and then talk to her, point out that you have always hosted and not asked for money, and then perhaps suggest that in future years you should all make a contribution so it's not too much money for one person.
My first thought was that £16 ph is far too much, but when I think about the cost of food and extras (crackers, champagne etc) then that's probably what we spend. I'm hosting this year, just my dp, and dm has said she'll bring the pudding and the champagne.

AgentZigzag Tue 24-Dec-13 02:30:36

And a share of any alcohol left over whowould.

It'd be the OPs property.

MrsAMerrick Tue 24-Dec-13 02:31:14

sorry, x-post, if she is better off than you then it's even more unreasonable!

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 02:32:30

MrsAMerrick there was a separate charge for drinks. When I found that out I told her I would bring my own! I guess I just have to laugh or else my anger will tarnish the day.

AgentZigzag Tue 24-Dec-13 02:35:43

How will the other guests take their bills do you think Mercury?

Surely they'll be fuming the same as you won't they?

Maybe someone else will kick it all off, save you the trouble grin

We asked everyone for £20 a head for adults only one year. We are the only family with a big enough house to put up 14 relatives for the 3 days over Christmas and fuck me if I'm footing the bill for a bunch of lazy gannets to descend on me and eat me out of house and home.

perfectstorm Tue 24-Dec-13 02:36:31

That's appalling. Seriously appalling. Frankly I wouldn't go - I would send a sharp text highlighting that she's happily eaten everyone else's food, and now expects others to foot the bill for her version of a family Christmas, and why exactly is she imagining that restaurant bills - which have to cover double time staffing and profit and is set by the damn market and not costs - have anything to do with this at all?

Apart from anything else she could get a fully prepared lunch with all the trimmings from COOK for a tenner each. Is she feeding you organic fresh Kelly Bronze turkey, smoked salmon starter, and champagne, or what? Why should you fork out for her gourmet choices, even if so?

What have the rest of your family said about this - surely your Mum is best placed to say something? She can't think this is okay?

perfectstorm Tue 24-Dec-13 02:39:26

Madame asking in advance for £20 per adult to cover 3 days of food is massively different to asking at the last minute for £16 a head to cover just the Xmas lunch, when the people you're asking have previously hosted you. I think your request is reasonable - it's an affordability/fairness thing. The sister's is bonkers. If she really can't afford it, as others have said, ask for each family to bring something - starter; pud & creams etc.; specified booze. That's fine. This is just... venal.

AgentZigzag Tue 24-Dec-13 02:39:37

I'm sure you didn't bill your guests out of the blue madamc.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 02:43:38

Im not sure they will Zigzag. My stepdad mentioned this to me prior to the text tonight and said that he felt that it is only right everybody contributes. Which I agree is fair but surely like somebody said upthread you either ask people to bring some food or contribute alcohol or an unspecified financial contribution. My ddad is coming and is on dla it just makes me cross that she will be charging him as well - surely if you want paying you don't offer to host? The plan is definitely to come away as soon as possible I think - I'm rubbish at not expressing what I am thinking but will not let this ruin our family day sad

Shit, was waiting to be flamed.

One BIL refused to pay anyway and we only found out MIL led this contribution as she was embarrassed at jus refusal. We didn't ask ILs for contribution as they did Christmas dinner in past when there were less of us.

Lavenderhoney Tue 24-Dec-13 02:49:10

Its outrageous. Also, not very Christmassy to spring it on you.

Didn't you mention when you spoke to her all the time she had eaten at yours and not been charged? And to charge for the children! If she couldn't afford it - and it must be really extravagant to charge this much- she should have said ages ago or just not spent so much/ talked to someone. Ask her if this is the case as she may have had good intentions but not liked the expense- but pushing the cost onto family where you have enjoyed hospitality in the past!

I'm afraid there is a big difference between your dsis house where you will be expected to help before and after, be pleasant, say how amazing the food is and a restaurant you have chosen to go to, cooked by professionals and a menu chosen by you, no cleaning, and you can complain and get your money back if the food is dreadful, ie burnt and ruined.

I would probably want an itemised bill, as £16 a head for at least 6 people is a lot of money for Christmas dinner.
And what about next year?

TheRobberBride Tue 24-Dec-13 02:50:12

YANBU

It's outrageous for her to do this. £16 for a two year old. Really??

If she couldn't afford to host Christmas dinner then she could have tastefully asked for contributions in the form of pudding, crackers etc.

My parents are hosting Christmas for the extended family this year. We all appreciate that it can get expensive. So my DB is buying the turkey, I've bought the beef for Boxing Day and my SIL is making pudding. Everybody was happy to help out.

The way your Sis has gone about it is rude and totally against the spirit of the season IMO.

ravenAK Tue 24-Dec-13 02:50:57

I think it's fine if it's upfront - one person is good at cooking & has space to host, Xmas dinner is expensive - everyone else chips in.

& has time to agree to partake or decline.

Not OK to spring it on invited guests at short notice.

I'd be almost tempted to nip to Sainsburys tomorrovv for the makings of Xmas dinner, vvhich vvill be on half price by then, & text dsis to let her knovv change of plan - tell her she's vvelcome at your NYE bash, you're just finalising menus & vvill let her knovv hovv much...

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 02:51:33

Madame I would have quite happily given her £20 per adult head in advance. It is the offer to host and then deciding she is 'charging' which has vexed me. My dmum is hosting a dinner at hers on 27th but she would never ask for money - everybody will just turn up with plenty of wine. Dmum will just want an easy life because it is Christmas which I understand. At least I know where we won't be spending Christmas next yearwink

Hawkmoth Tue 24-Dec-13 02:54:11

Imagining her sitting in her kitchen with receipts, calculator and energy costs at 2am Xmas Eve. It's actually quite an odd thing to be doing sad

Whatever happened to "I'll bring a trifle"?

Trapper Tue 24-Dec-13 02:57:34

Have you checked to make sure service is included?
Tell her you have a Taste Card too...

AgentZigzag Tue 24-Dec-13 02:58:27

sad she's charging your dad too.

That's pretty harsh/unfeeling isn't it?

Especially given the spirit of the season.

I would call her on asking money for your dad and your children. Say you'll pay for you/your DH but you're ashamed for her because she's charged your children (full adult price) and will be taking money from someone who is managing on very little but would go without rather than not pay.

Maybe she thinks she's being fair asking for equal shares, but she really should know how badly she's handled it.

Are you not tempted to say 'that's fine, the kids will share a portion like they do when we go out as they don't eat much, here's 48 quid'

Agree there is a massive difference between being upfront about this so guests can choose and having it sprung on you. I've been and had parties where the financial costs are shared and where you bring contributions of food and wine. The difference being this info was there from the beginning so guests are free to choose to accept it and come or decline.

Snort at tastecard grin

AgentZigzag Tue 24-Dec-13 03:05:12

And why £16?

The majority would round it down to £15, sounds like you're right about the amount of detail in it Hawk.

It must be very important to her whatever her reason.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 03:06:04

Thank you zigzag. I'm not going to pull her on the dc as I don't want to give her the satisfaction - she loves to think she is better than us and will assume we can't afford it. But I will have a word about my ddad. If I had known how she was going to behave I would have had dinner at home with ddad but it is too late to change plans now - you live and learn.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 03:08:48

YellowDinosaur I would have had no problem with this if it had been upfront because I could have had a say on what we ate - I don't even know what is on the 'menu' or if the dcs will like it!

AgentZigzag Tue 24-Dec-13 03:11:09

Aye, you live and learn.

We learnt early on after DD1 was born and are looking forward to a face-to-face free day, the DD's are happy webcaming/phoning people and we're happy without the stress.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 03:15:15

Next year will definitely be spent in our own home! Thank you for 'talking' this through with me I feel a lot better now. Best get some sleep now my rage has subsided. Merry Christmasgrin

deepfriedsage Tue 24-Dec-13 03:19:52

I wound get your purse out, tell the dc the money and say Aunty wants thecash for dinner. I would downgrade her gift too, have you a flannel you could wrap up? Bring her gift back for a refund.

Pitmountainpony Tue 24-Dec-13 03:31:05

The one Xmas we went to sil she asked us to bring lots of food items with us. Then the husband asked for our share to the specially picked bird as he only does quality cuts....meat snob.....well our share was 40 quid.
The meal was dry, bland and not cooked with joy as the bil was in a bad mood.
Then they buggered off after the meal leaving us to entertain the mil.
Suddenly my own family Xmases seemed joyful in comparison. It actually made me feel really sad.
Suffice to say we bob ever ever went to them for Xmas again...it was expensive and it was shite too.
I feel your pain.

minesapackofminstrels Tue 24-Dec-13 03:40:46

YANBU. She should have gone about this a very different way if she can't afford it.
Please come back after Xmas and tell us all how it went though. fgrin

Defnotsupergirl Tue 24-Dec-13 03:42:43

I'd be going to the supermarket tomorrow and buying enough for DDad and my DH and kids and telling her to stuff it and have ours at home. Even if it was a lesser lunch- the idea of going to hers would now be terrible. Offering to host then springing a charge. It's nothing to do with whether you can pay, everything to do with how rude she is being.

CeQueLEnfer Tue 24-Dec-13 03:46:33

She is far from short of money... she earns about double our household income.

I cannot abide meanness. I wouldn't go, sorry. I am not suggesting you do this AT ALL, but I would tell her to do one. I would say "sorry, we can't really afford to come - we've decided to stay home."

sykadelic15 Tue 24-Dec-13 03:56:41

I'd love to respond - "In that case, I'd like to place my order now. I'd like X, Y and Z. After all, if I'm paying for a meal I should dictate the food. Also, I have taken the time to deduct the amount you still owe for previous functions and look forward to you settling your account with us of $113 at that time. See you at Christmas!"

The utter nerve!

MistressDeeCee Tue 24-Dec-13 04:09:44

Why oh why does christmas make some people go off their heads? Whats wrong with your DSis? Charging you for xmas dinner?! Id decline..the cheek of it, when she's partaken of your hospitality freely in the past. This has to be one of the craziest christmas situations Ive heard of...& she felt the need to point out its cheaper than a meal out?!! No..I wouldnt go it'd be thanks but no thanks we'll stay at home. I cant bear mean, tightfisted people I wouldnt want a thing from her.

BitOfFunWithSanta Tue 24-Dec-13 04:10:09

She is your SISTER. Just tell her like it is and say "You're having a bloody laugh, aren't you? Me and mum have hosted for years, and never asked for money. Fine, ask us to bring a bottle or a pudding, but Jesus, what are you on?"

FourArms Tue 24-Dec-13 04:16:40

As a family we've always split the bill, but that's because I've hosted every year (biggest house / only one with DC). It's still a good deal for all as I just split the Tesco Christmas shop bill, not all the other bits you buy from Sept onwards. I can imagine Xmas day lunch is easily £16pp without drink - turkey crowns in Sainsburys were £65 this evening.

However YANBU because we always split the bill. If I'd paid for everything for 10 years and then someone gave me a bill the year they'd hosted I'd be a bit cross.

Sparklymommy Tue 24-Dec-13 04:25:41

Shocked for you op.

Think I would probably be like you and pay it, but leave early. And I definitely wouldn't be going there again.

Love the idea of billing her for the years you've hosted, but probably wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it.

missingmumxox Tue 24-Dec-13 04:30:59

I would have texted back
"Oh no! If we had known you had money problems there is no way we would have put you in this situation you should have said something sooner, do you want to talk? we are family after all, xx"
This has the double whammy that if she is being tight fisted (which is the most likely as in my experience people who have little money will brave it and do their best sometimes sadly getting into debt in the effort or are up front from day one.) she has from what you have written has a high regard of her self and this will have her having to explain why she doesn't need the money....
Or if she is actually in dire straits (after all no one knows what is really the situation with another family) you have opened the door, she might not thank you but you have...

Warning when she does start back tracking which she will! She will mention she thinks this is fairer all round as it is such a burden on the person hosting, blah, blah, and should be the family plan for years to come.... Klaxon alert!
this ... She is pregnant I suspect she has no intention of extended family Christmas's after this, so will never have to pay her share!

So if she starts that just laugh it off and say, oh, but that's why we take it in turns, what goes around comes around, and I wouldn't bloody pay her even if she has the brass neck to ask on the day.
Alternatively you have today to gather a turkey and veg so you and your family with your dad have a lovely day at home.

Don't let your insecurities let her win this game...

YoDiggity Tue 24-Dec-13 04:33:28

I could never do this and I'd be pissed off if someone did it to me, if they were family. I could understand if it was a very large group of friends though - fair enough, as it might be easier to shop, plan and organise it yourself and just share the cost. Too many cooks and all that...

But for family it just doesn't feel right to me at all. She should spread the cost by asking for each person to bring things like Christmas pud, (easily portable and bought or cooked in advance) the cheese board, the crackers, some wine etc, and provide the main course herself.

Not everyone chooses to eat/buy/cook the same thing at Christmas and I'd be pretty disappointed if I'd been asked to pay for five of us per head for a potentially disappointing meal made from stuff that I'd never choose to buy/eat/prepare that way myself.

In fact I don't think DH would even stand for it. He likes my Christmas dinner cooked my way. grin

CheeryCherry Tue 24-Dec-13 04:54:21

Shocked at this OP! What a position to be in! But BitOfFun has it spot on, you must speak to her. I couldn't and wouldnt be able to go if she really is charging you, I wouldn't enjoy the day. I'd be too cross! Good luck with this, what a nightmare.

CheeryCherry Tue 24-Dec-13 04:55:46

And YADNBU!

CheeryCherry Tue 24-Dec-13 04:56:03

And YADNBU!

giraffesCantSledge Tue 24-Dec-13 05:01:06

come back and update on 26th

YoDiggity Tue 24-Dec-13 05:12:05

shock god, sorry but the day I eat Quorn for Christmas dinner would be the day I am on lockdown in a nuclear bunker with only Frankenstein foods left to keep me alive, and there would be armageddon and the zombie apocalypse going on above me. grin

Couldn't you push the boat out a bit with a nice halloumi/aubergine/lentil/pumpkin/chickpea/mushroom type thing?

And as for the 'turkey thingy' from Farmfoods for £3 and a Vienetta - words fail me.

I can't help feeling very sad about this. grin

MalibuAndMilkPleaseLibertine Tue 24-Dec-13 05:12:32

Unbelievable!!? So it's 16 quid plus drinks! I would have to say something, you could eat out for that, tight cow

TobyLerone Tue 24-Dec-13 05:14:06

She is your SISTER. Just tell her like it is and say "You're having a bloody laugh, aren't you? Me and mum have hosted for years, and never asked for money. Fine, ask us to bring a bottle or a pudding, but Jesus, what are you on?"

This. So much this.

I've never heard of anything like this in my life. I can't believe anyone charges to have guests shock

We have a big family and just divide everything between us -- someone buys veg, a couple of others buy meat, someone else does desserts etc. It's easy. But even if that weren't the case, I'd never ask for money. It's staggeringly rude.

MudCity Tue 24-Dec-13 05:15:42

Madness. As other posters have said, had your sister said this in advance, or suggested people bring some food, that would have been reasonable.

I understand your reasons for going. However, not sure I could. The food would stick in my throat.

FadBook Tue 24-Dec-13 05:19:35

I would have texted back
"Oh no! If we had known you had money problems there is no way we would have put you in this situation you should have said something sooner, do you want to talk? we are family after all, xx"

What missingmum said is a great response.

It sounds from your post OP that you're giving in to her not because "it's Christmas" but because you don't want her to think you haven't got the money. Seriously, don't let her make you feel inferior just because you don't earn as much. And don't for the love of god pay her anything on Christmas Day.

YADNBU

PedantMarina Tue 24-Dec-13 05:23:24

Not since TidyDancer's Bridezilla fred have I seen such a clear-cut excuse for you, OP, to say:

"Are you on glue, bitch?"

Go get some food in today, have lovely DF and Mum over and leave your stupid, self-important sister sitting alone with her pile of food and itemised bill.

Oh, and Happy Christmas.

gamerchick Tue 24-Dec-13 05:24:46

If you go along with this then you deserve everything you get.

Do yourself a favour.. go to the supermarket and spend that money on a dinner with all the trimmings.

You go to your sisters and suck it up then don't bloody whinge about it. You are actually lying down at her feet and telling her to wipe her feet on you hmm

poorbuthappy Tue 24-Dec-13 05:24:55

For Christi's sake don't pay it!!
This is why people act like arses for years, because no one ever stood them and tells them they are acting like arses, families pussy foot around instead of dealing.
Just bloody tell her to wind her neck in.

YoDiggity Tue 24-Dec-13 05:28:20

I hate meanness. It is the most unappealing failing.

I totally agree. Some people are such begrudging, stressy, tight-fisted, mean-spirited, terrible hosts I would actually rather not go there at all than be made to feel like I am putting them to any inconvenience or unnecessary expense. Just awful.

YoDiggity Tue 24-Dec-13 05:34:19

Whoops sorry about the Quorn post upthread - that was meant to go on the the 'what are you having for lunch on Xmad Day' thread. confused

YoDiggity Tue 24-Dec-13 05:37:06

In Madame's case it was different - there were 14 of them, she only charged the children, they were all staying in her house for several days, and it was agreed in advance. No problem at all. More sensible than too many people all trying to ram 6 un-needed cheesecakes into your fridge by way of contribution. Very large groups for more than one night are a different matter.

But this woman needs a slap.

YoDiggity Tue 24-Dec-13 05:37:22

sorry I mean she only charge the adults obviously!

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Tue 24-Dec-13 05:45:12

YANBU

We need you to report back on what you get for £16 a head. Make sure your DCs get adult portions & bro g home leftovers.

34DD Tue 24-Dec-13 05:45:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontsqueezetheteabag Tue 24-Dec-13 05:47:44

My my, that is sooooo bad!!

I did Xmas last year, in laws insisted I did it again this year because 'I have the biggest table' so I told everyone they needed to bring something.

Sil doing starter
Mil doing main meat
Df providing wine
We are doing the rest

YANBU!!!!

pixiepotter Tue 24-Dec-13 05:53:00

the fact that she is texting you at 2am suggests to oe that she has overspent on christmas and seriously worried how she will manage io january

That's scandalous! our family take it in turns to host Christmas dinner, I usually bring the meat as its the most expensive and I have the most disposable income. The rest of us bring desert/wine (only really a couple of us who drink it so not loads needed). We do this because Christmas dinner isn't a cheap meal and its a thank you to the host for cooking and for putting up with all the mess that 14 people eating lunch/socialising in a 3 bed semi inevitably create.

HappyAsASandboy Tue 24-Dec-13 06:04:56

We have quite large family Christmases and all chip in, but it's not on a 'please pay £16 each' basis!

We're geographically spread, and this year we are economically spread too! The host has organised most things, with local relatives doing some meat for Christmas Eve/Boxing Day, us (the poorest ones!) doing pudding and some starters, and the furthest away relatives (also the most comfortable financially) giving a financial contribution. We will all take wine ( of quite varying quality, I should imagine!), soft drinks etc.

Please don't let her think this is normal.

happycrimblechuckie Tue 24-Dec-13 06:11:23

I would pay up and then spend the whole meal complaining about the food, but then I like a bit of Christmas Day confrontation! You can't beat an alcohol fuelled family row on Christmas Day! Maybe that is why me and my DH and DC stay at home EVERY year. Happy Christmas to all MN's.

Spermysextowel Tue 24-Dec-13 06:33:31

My younger sister is hosting Christmas Eve & will not take contributions (works for a wine company so the obv solution is out). DM is doing Xmas day for me, my 2 sons & my older sister, then Boxing Day for all of the same plus younger sister, BIL & my ex-husband. This morning I fetched & paid for the turkey that DM had ordered, on the pretext of the weather being too bad for DM to do it (& she had to work today despite being 72) & now we have a skirmish because she wants to 'pay me back'. I've had to tell sisters not to give her my bank details or she'll be doing a transfer. None of us has calculated the actual cost & presented a bill. The sister who isn't hosting/paying for anything makes up for it by being the one who has to belt up the A1 at 5pm on Xmas eve. We will all just be very glad to be able to be together.

CeQueLEnfer Tue 24-Dec-13 06:50:27

Wow, what a lovely generous family you have SST ! And inviting your ex, too. Just fab.

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat Tue 24-Dec-13 06:55:38

The shops are open - get a turkey and the rest and have your dad with you. It will be a better Christmas because you won't be seething.

steff13 Tue 24-Dec-13 06:59:16

I would pay up and then spend the whole meal complaining about the food, but then I like a bit of Christmas Day confrontation! You can't beat an alcohol fuelled family row on Christmas Day! Maybe that is why me and my DH and DC stay at home EVERY year. Happy Christmas to all MN's.

Oh, this does sound like fun! smile You could also send your plate back to the kitchen multiple times because the food isn't cooked to your liking.

In my husband's family, his uncle always hosts for Christmas. They provide a ham and beverages, and then we all bring different side dishes and desserts. It's a lovely time, we all enjoy eating good food and spending time as a family. I think I prefer that way of doing things.

HarryTheHungryHippo Tue 24-Dec-13 07:02:05

She is your SISTER. Just tell her like it is and say "You're having a bloody laugh, aren't you? Me and mum have hosted for years, and never asked for money. Fine, ask us to bring a bottle or a pudding, but Jesus, what are you on?"

This times a million. I can't believe you. Aren't going to say anything even the money troubles one that sounds sympathetic.
How can you say nothing?

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain Tue 24-Dec-13 07:04:21

Hmm have a feeling we'll be getting an update after dinner on this one

Alanna1 Tue 24-Dec-13 07:06:57

I'm not going to read all of the above but (a) is your sister hard up? Don't judge if so and (b) christmas IS expensive. We divide it up. So eg we are bringing the meat, crackers and the champagne (we are probably the wealthier mini-family going -I am not saying it the division has to be completely equal - equitable does not mean equal!); another family member is bringing cheese; another family member is bringing dessert etc.

Groovee Tue 24-Dec-13 07:07:38

£64 for a family of 4?? I'd decline on the day and get a takeaway instead!

nennypops Tue 24-Dec-13 07:08:01

How about making the whole thing as embarrassing as possible? Wait till you're about to go, then loudly "remember", ask her how much it was, "joke" over whether she is seriously making the children pay, ask them to scrape up the money out of any money they have been given for Christmas, prime them to cry about how they will no longer be able to buy something they've set their hearts on ...

Panzee Tue 24-Dec-13 07:08:48

I like the idea of sending food back.
Refuse to pay at the end because it's horrible. grin

Ok don't, that's mean. Especially as she's pregnant. People get odd 2am notions, and sometimes pregnancy removes the part of the brain that stops you doing stupid things.

nennypops Tue 24-Dec-13 07:09:40

Alanna1, there really isn't much point in posting if you're not going to bother to read at least OP's posts.

PedantMarina Tue 24-Dec-13 07:13:37

DP can't stop thinking about this. We're sitting here doing the maths. How many people are meant to be there? Say, 10? So that's £160 for the food alone?!?

Just can't get how DSIS thinks this is acceptable, and that your parents are allowing this kind of behaviour. Is this a toxic/golden child thing? Has she always been like this (breaking all the toys, etc)?

And the idea that you're getting it from both ends with her "considerably richer than you" attitude.

I boggle. We boggle. Some early-morning boggling going on over here...

larrygrylls Tue 24-Dec-13 07:14:44

I would not go on that basis. Alternatively, you could say that if she feels she is cheap compared to a restaurant, you expect restaurant service. Sit down and order a drink. Insists she serves you personally and tops your wine up. If any food is not right, send it back and insists she replace it.

And definitely ask what the alternative children's menu consists of and what it costs.

HissymasJumper Tue 24-Dec-13 07:17:53

I'd not go.

She's given you no notice of this ridiculous charge, i'd give her the same notice of your change of mind.

Spermysextowel Tue 24-Dec-13 07:19:01

lenfer yes I do. Inviting the ex isn't quite so; he will probably turn up & my generous mother will make
sure he is fed, & his sons will be happy to see him. Fab all
round I'd say.

AttackOfTheKillerMonsterSnowGo Tue 24-Dec-13 07:22:19

We split it between the adults, but I always host and our guests stay for 3 days! I'd be furious and not a little hurt by your situation. YANBU!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 24-Dec-13 07:25:19

I can't believe you're actually going to go ahead and pay for the meals. And I can't believe you said you'll pay because you don't want her to think you can't afford it. What a crappy reason to part with your own money.

She is nog just being unreasonable, she's being bloody mean. And sorry, but YOU are also bring extremely unreasonable by going along with it.

How long does it take to put a meal together? Come on, man up and stand up to her. Get a few ready cooked stuff from the supermarket and sort yourselves out for dinner. Then go to hers after they've eaten just to meet them all.

Don't be dancing to her tune.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 24-Dec-13 07:26:10

How can you not say anything? She's your sister, just tell her!

I would send her a text back with a bill for all the years you've hosted.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 07:27:58

I shown dp the text and my response. He is furious that she has asked for us to pay for her dniece and dnephew to eat Christmas dinner and is ringing her to tell her this morning. I know this sounds really weak as I am letting him confront her instead of doing it myself, but he is far more straight to the point than me. If she still insists that is what she intends to do we will be running around getting the bits for a Christmas dinner this afternoon. I will explain the situation to ddad and see where he wants to go. They had a big falling out in the summer because she tried to lord it over him so I am not sure what he will decide to do.

Sorry I can't remember who was calculating costs with their dh but there are 11 of us and Im pretty sure dinner wouldn't cost 78 for us plus ddadwink

JingleMyBells Tue 24-Dec-13 07:29:29

Just text: Lol grin

Jaynebxl Tue 24-Dec-13 07:29:37

I would absolutely reply and say does sh3 really mean to charge same price for the children, and that you're a bit surprised as you never charged her when you hosted. At least that gets your feelings out in the open and hopefully you wouldn't feel like rushing off so early and can enjoy the day.

Perfectlypurple Tue 24-Dec-13 07:30:12

I know someone who did this. Listefd everything she bought and charged her pil and sil for it. The mil and sil were in the kitchen stuffing their faces saying they had paid so they were going to eat it!

Several times on xmas evev I have hosted a buffet for family. A nice time for a get together and a chance for the kids to all play and get worn out. I would never charge. Yes people bring wine and stuff which is appreciated not expected and it all tends to even out over the years with different people hosting different things.

theladyrainy Tue 24-Dec-13 07:31:10

£16 for a 5 year old?

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel Tue 24-Dec-13 07:31:14

Oh my days that is unbelievable! She's having a laugh isn't she!?
Who in their right mind charges your family for Christmas dinner!? I'm so shocked op.
I host Christmas Day every year now, it's our thing but mainly because my house is the only house we can all fit in wink it costs us a small fortune (£300 last year) but I wouldn't dream of trying to recoup my costs!
Your sister is nuts! I hope you don't pay it. It's not like she can take your meals back and get a refund now is it. blush

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 07:32:03

Having read all your posts I think my New Years resolution does need to be to toughen up. Dp has been telling me for ages that she walks all over me, but I just accepted it because she has quite a controlling personalitu and as a family we just joke that that is just the way she is. This has been a wake up call.

JingleMyBells Tue 24-Dec-13 07:34:28

What's the etiquette for seconds? Do you get charged extra? grin Your DSis is being a miserable tight arse especially as she has always been happy to eat for free over the previous years.

NotTwit Tue 24-Dec-13 07:36:55

I bet it's not the first time she's acted like this though. Stamp it out before it gets really bad when her PFB is here.

FFS this sort of thing pisses me off, I agree with the posters saying that she's your sister and sort it out.
Although you could just give her a fiver and when she moans tell her that's all it was worth. Including if its amazing in every way.

Marshy Tue 24-Dec-13 07:38:32

Just been discussing this with dh.

Me and dd are going to the hairdresser later. I have asked him if he can drop us off as the parking is a nightmare and he says yes but it will be a tenner taxi fare - double time as it's Christmas eve grin

NotTwit Tue 24-Dec-13 07:38:58

Oops x post. So, yay!

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat Tue 24-Dec-13 07:39:19

Well done to your DH for stepping up. Keep up the good work and get out from under her thumb.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 07:41:09

No it isn't NotTwit although I wonder how much of it is the influence of her dp.sad
Lol Mashy.
The whole thing is ridiculous. I will keep you postedwink

ZenNudist Tue 24-Dec-13 07:44:21

Oh I'm so glad you're going to tell her to get stuffed. Ring her now and then go out & get Christmas stuff anyway. It'll be so much easier done first thing in the morning and at least you'll have it in.

It's one meal for the 5/6 of you. Easy. You don't need to go to her Christmas.

I felt hmm for you going to a Christmas dinner to spend lots and fume. Don't do it!

TiggyD Tue 24-Dec-13 07:45:11

I'm sure you could have a more enjoyable time in your own house for less than £64.

DamnBamboo Tue 24-Dec-13 07:45:46

O M G shock

She is taking the piss! I agree with so many of the previous posters and whatever you do, go or don't go, but DO NOT PAY.

If you go, have a tally of what she owes you for previous years and say 'given you think £16 pph is acceptable, I've added up what you should have paid all the times your family has eaten here and so you actually owe me £154. Cheque will be fine thanks!'

How could she possibly argue against that.

goshhhhhh Tue 24-Dec-13 07:47:14

Do what missingmum says.
Can't believe it....though my sister charged me for visiting her at uni when I was 15 when she invited me. (she was 20 & I'd paid my way...it was for heating & breakfast etc. I get that she was a student but I was at school....)sisters!

youbethemummylion Tue 24-Dec-13 07:47:28

Whose ever house we go to for Christmas the rest of us put a contribution of money in an envelope hide it somewhere in the house then let them know when we have left where it is (seems like a farce but stops the embarrasing refusing/insisting thing that happens otherwise) however if anyone actually billed us for the meal we would be outraged! Its just not on to ask for the money especially as this wasnt mentioned when she offered to host!

goshhhhhh Tue 24-Dec-13 07:47:33

Do what missingmum says.
Can't believe it....though my sister charged me for visiting her at uni when I was 15 when she invited me. (she was 20 & I'd paid my way...it was for heating & breakfast etc. I get that she was a student but I was at school....)sisters!

firesidechat Tue 24-Dec-13 07:48:25

I cannot abide meanness. I wouldn't go, sorry. I am not suggesting you do this AT ALL, but I would tell her to do one. I would say "sorry, we can't really afford to come - we've decided to stay home."

I agree with CeQueL.

I've hosted Christmas for a few years now and yes it costs a small fortune, but it wouldn't cross my mind to charge anyone for it. A few contributions to the table would be nice though. fsad

sockssandalsandafork Tue 24-Dec-13 07:48:50

Jesus, I've heard it all now! okay if it had been discussed beforehand but seriously, wtaf!! I'd show her this thread wink

BohemianGirl Tue 24-Dec-13 07:49:51

Of no help to you at all OP, but we're all sitting here laughing at the sheer cheek of your sister.

I doubt she can legally charge you - is her kitchen fit for public cooking? Does she have hygiene certificates? passed the relevant courses? is the food stored at the correct temperature? different chopping boards? Is she self employed? will she be telling the tax man? does her house insurance cover running a business?

OP - I could have hours of fun with a sister like your!

dementedma Tue 24-Dec-13 07:59:33

Go the ops dh.hope he says op is too distraught and hurt to speak to sis personally

Earlspearl Tue 24-Dec-13 08:03:20

I think I would text back and say 'i think its quite odd to be invited to a family Xmas (after years of me and mum hosting) and then at last minute announce there is a charge per head (and also charging children full price). We would have happily have bought some items along with us Xmas day

But alternatively, there's scope for a lot of milage if she ever realises how stupid she's been. You could jokingly charge her for everything you do for her/ all meals just before the event.

WipsGlitter Tue 24-Dec-13 08:04:07

Up front - fine. Last minute, no. And when you've hosted for years. Terrible. We host DPs family every year. FiL pays for all the meat. His two siblings barely contribute. It rankles but we would never dream of charging.

Although I'm going to suggest to SIL that she might want to host FiL next year so I can spend it with my sister for once.

Well done your dp. I can't believe the cheek of your sis.

Earlspearl Tue 24-Dec-13 08:07:53

Also if she is treating it like a restraint meal, then surely you don't have to lady the table, help cook or wash up

ChasedByBees Tue 24-Dec-13 08:13:15

Thank god you're not going to just accept this. If love to have some fun with this, interogating her with this was a great idea from bohemiangirl

I doubt she can legally charge you - is her kitchen fit for public cooking? Does she have hygiene certificates? passed the relevant courses? is the food stored at the correct temperature? different chopping boards? Is she self employed? will she be telling the tax man? does her house insurance cover running a business?

She is outrageous and so damn mean. I hope your DP points out how she's accepted your Christmas hospitality in past years. As for comparing herself to a restaurant - as if!

PrimalLass Tue 24-Dec-13 08:17:34

I've given my mum cash towards dinner, but the beef is £80 and its only fair. However, that's different to your sister sending you a bill.

ilovesooty Tue 24-Dec-13 08:17:52

I'm glad your partner is going to call her and tell her straight. Sorting this out by returning texts sounded like a dreadful idea.

PedantMarina Tue 24-Dec-13 08:20:15

Ooh, I like BohemianGirl's approach! We hadn't thought about that

But, seriously OP (it was DP and I who were totalling things up, btw), don't beat yourself up that your DH is doing the confronting on your behalf. At least somebody is. And, reading between the lines, it's clear that there's an already-present dynamic in your family for her having this kind of attitude, so that's going to take a bit of effort and fresh perspective to get past.

Hope your DF joins you - out of curiosity, what was the falling-out between him and DSIS about?

Best of luck, and bon appetit! fsmile

kungfupannda Tue 24-Dec-13 08:23:34

If she de-invites you, you can all come to our Christmas dinner.

It's a steal at £14 per head, and you get one free kids meal with every two paying adults.

We accept all major credit cards, or you can use paypal. wink

CloverkissSparklecheeks Tue 24-Dec-13 08:24:19

I host Christmas dinner/tea (and the rest of the week) every year so everyone does chip in. There will be 14 of us (Incl 4 dcs) and the day costs about £150 incl wine/bubbly and stuff for tea. We split it as I would end up paying every year and its not just immediate family as SIL ends up bringing her family and other SILs OH sometimes brings his family.

We split it per couple excl kids as it really doesn't cost any more to include them.

I would never 'charge' as such, it just makes sense to do an online order for everything and split it.

As host I always pay for the table favours, crackers and spirits. I probably still spend at least £50 extra so if anyone moaned about paying towards it they can host themselves next time grin it is quite an effort to organise it all (which I love) and I am definitely not tight but it is only ever my mum.who turns up early enough to help so I actually think everyone is happy to contribute rather than having to go to the effort themselves.

ViviPru Tue 24-Dec-13 08:25:08

I was lamenting giving up Eastenders this year as it suddenly dawned on me I'd have nothing to look forward to after Christmas dinner. Thanks to you, Mercury, all the plotlines are poised for a thrilling denouement right here...

In all seriousness though, although you're acknowledging you're perhaps not assertive enough with your sister (I'm the same) I think your attitude and approach throughout has been admirably calm and reasonable given the outrageousness of her behaviour. Hope it all works out positively for you.

CloverkissSparklecheeks Tue 24-Dec-13 08:25:37

Come to us - £12.50 a head, £15 incl tea and kids eat free grin

feelingvunerable Tue 24-Dec-13 08:26:53

I don't really have any advice but YANBU.
Perhaps go and send back the food as it isn't cooked properly?
Wait and see her reaction.
Or ask for a menu beforehand to make sure you are getting your monies worth.

Wow. I'm a bit speechless.

Chippednailvarnish Tue 24-Dec-13 08:29:39

I think missing has the perfect text!

Personally I would go and then pay her in £1 pound coins, I'd also make a big show of counting them out painstakingly at the table after the meal grin .

Helpyourself Tue 24-Dec-13 08:30:35

DBIL &SIL did this to us. Our first year married, 3 line whip to attend at MIL must have everyone around her because its christmas, I was happy to cook, bake or shop but all offers were rebuffed- I had no idea until I caught DH paying Bil out of sight knowing I'd go ballistic. I didn't of course. P
Probably why they live in a £3million house.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 24-Dec-13 08:30:40

Why are you letting her take the piss out of you? Invoice her today for all the food she and her family have ever eaten at yours and cancel on her, go get some food and have your dad at yours tomorrow.

PointyChristmasFairyWand Tue 24-Dec-13 08:31:28

I'm glad you're sorting this out, your sis is being utterly mean and tight-fisted and she needs a wakeup call.

We've hosted for the past two years for my BIL and SIL - because they have sprung for flights from the US - and for DH's nephew and his wife plus toddler. And yes, we've had a Kelly Bronze turkey because they are delicious and we haven't stinted ourselves. We wouldn't have dreamed of charging, we always put money aside for it through the year and it's worth it to have a really great family Christmas.

This year BIL and SIL aren't coming and we are going to DH's nephew's family. We will be bringing desserts, crackers (they are American and need exposure to British Christmas grin) and we will be making the Yorkshire puds. It will be great and no-one will be charging anyone anything.

Nothing wrong with agreeing to split costs when making arrangements for Christmas. Sooooo much wrong with doing it unilaterally, by text, on Christmas Eve.

I'd be tempted to go with "wow, sis, are you ok? I had no idea you were struggling financially or I'd have offered support earlier. I just thought you were okay taking your turn of doing dinner. Want to talk? "

hellsbells99 Tue 24-Dec-13 08:35:01

We are going to my sisters new house today until boxing day. She is single. My db and dm are going too. We have told her we are contributing. Ended up doing a sainsbury's order and db, ds and myself are splitting bill 3 ways. Me and db are insisting on this. We are all happy with the arrangement. I have got champagne and some drinks too. Xmas is expensive particularly for a single person who has just bought a house!

Euphemia Tue 24-Dec-13 08:36:43

There are some cheeky, grabby people out there!

Chippednailvarnish Tue 24-Dec-13 08:39:57

Hells there is a very big difference between agreeing to split costs in advance and sending a demanding text charging £16 for a 2 year olds meal!

Being single has nothing to do with anything, most single people have much more disposable income than a couple with kids.

PenguinBear Tue 24-Dec-13 08:40:14

Please DON'T pay it.. Even to keep the peace as it's the principle of the whole thing! I'd turn up... Go to pay, put the money down and then say... "oh I'll need £16 back for last year for you and another £16 for DP, and same for year before etc etc. then hold your hand out and say she owes you £x. you could even do an excel spreadsheet grin

Funkybutnot Tue 24-Dec-13 08:41:50

Oh gosh...I really can't believe what I'm reading. Don't go, enjoy at home and hope your Ddad can join you.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 24-Dec-13 08:43:04

You should text her "Are you snorting the fucking sherry"

I had dinner at my sisters once, she never charged, but then, my sister is a lovely woman.

Get to the shops and get dinner, and tell her to shove the turkey up her super tight arse.

Unless Pregnancy has made her crazy.

diddl Tue 24-Dec-13 08:44:09

64GBP??

I'd be surprised if our meal for the four of us will even cost that!

msrisotto Tue 24-Dec-13 08:44:55

OP... I had/have a problem with assertiveness with my family too. There are self help books out there if you're interested.

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 24-Dec-13 08:45:28

The Christmas my mother charged me was the last Christmas I spent at home. Especially as I had sent them a Fortnum's hamper. And yes, I got whacked with the bill afterwards, not asked to contribute before.

hellsbells99 Tue 24-Dec-13 08:47:07

Sorry didn't mean I was agreeing with op's sister! What she has done is wrong. Just that it is not always clear cut and sometimes you can agree to contribute if you know the host would find it a struggle financially. And also there are 4 of us - all adult sized!
In op's situation, I would probably choose not to go.

The late notice and the paying when others have hosted is unreasonable

It costing at least 200 for a meal is not - ours is more than that, the turkey is 90.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 24-Dec-13 08:48:15

Wonder if this is Gluezilla, the cheeky wedding bitch.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 24-Dec-13 08:50:43

I was going to say I'd decline and tell her why, then run out to Aldi and buy your Christmas dinner items today, but just seen you're already doing that. smile Hope your DH manages to get his point across ok that she's a tight, grabby, entitled bitch.

I really, really hope your dad comes to you instead, leaving her with loads of uneaten food. It'll serve her right but judging by what you've said, she probably won't learn from it. Instead she'll play the victim and hold you all to ransom over it. Don't fall for her shit any longer.

Snowdown Tue 24-Dec-13 08:51:46

Seriously this is shocking. Charging you dad, charging dcs adult prices. Fully understand the costs involved but your dsis has lost the plot. I think the dinner will be dripping in poor atmosphere and extreme annoyance. I would be trying to find a way out of going because it will be a truly miserable experience.

Viviennemary Tue 24-Dec-13 08:51:47

This is beyond cheeky. If she hosted every year then fair enough as it does get expensive. I agree with the person who said work out your years and set it against her bill so she will end up owing you. Hopefully! Certainly don't pay the £16 per person.

Pimpf Tue 24-Dec-13 08:51:49

Why wait til new year to toughen up. You've had plenty of advice on here how to tell her nicely to shove it. Alternatively, go out today and get some food in and have a lovely Christmas Day at home.

Sour sis will continue to act like this, if everyone lets her get away with it. Yes it might cause ( who am I kidding, will cause) a huge row, but its of her making, not yours.

oadcb Tue 24-Dec-13 08:53:42

Mercury I can't believe your posted our family all over mumsnet


Only joking cheeky mare. Family meal at home. Get yourself to Sainsburys!

scarletforya Tue 24-Dec-13 08:55:51

She shouldn't have offered to host if she couldn't afford it. Don't go. What a crazy cow!

Ratbagcatbag Tue 24-Dec-13 08:58:31

Agree you just shouldn't go. Nip out now get dinner in and enjoy. smile

mistlethrush Tue 24-Dec-13 08:59:38

I think you'd enjoy a family meal at home more than going there... perhaps turn up at 4pm afterwards to 'see the family' ?

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 24-Dec-13 08:59:44

I'd tell her that you've popped to the supermarket as its cheaper and that you are staying home. Cheeky beyond belief to charge family to eat.

birdybear Tue 24-Dec-13 09:01:40

what are you gonna do?!!

Please make a note of her amount, take 16 for alle the years she has eaten at yours, deduct from her bill and give her the remaining amount if there is any. Let her see the logic so she does not say anything, but give it to her before you leave.

I take it she won't be invited go yours next year?

What a cow.....

Grockle Tue 24-Dec-13 09:02:30

Omg, I can't believe she had the nerve todo this. Please let us know what she says when DH calls.

And, whatever you do, please don't pay.

Yes if you can get food in stay home. Maybe invite your dad?

AnandaTimeIn Tue 24-Dec-13 09:03:23

She earns about double our household income.

Wow! I thought she might have the "eating or heating" problem....

She sounds tight. I would be very pissed off!

Earlspearl Tue 24-Dec-13 09:04:06

Also we all chip in but it's pre arranged so mum provides the turkey, skint brother the crackers, sister the veg, me the pud. We all bring a bottle too

Yama Tue 24-Dec-13 09:05:14

I would take this opportunity to not go.

Helpyourself Tue 24-Dec-13 09:09:37

If you do pay and go- and I don't think you should- you could all have a lot of fun get your money's worth.
Every time she passes you something ask 'is this included?','if I pay extra can I have an extra sausage', if you take wine,'is there a corkage fee?'
And obviously no washing up! fshock

notapizzaeater Tue 24-Dec-13 09:09:57

She sounds like my sister, very entitled.

My mum and dad don't have much money but she hosts every year, I provide pork (for Xmas eve and the day), crackers, all the extras (pigs in blankets, stuffing etc) ans some booze. My sis and bil (no kids, good jobs) bring a bottle of cava. I've moaned at her this year that it isn't fair on mum/dad so she's upped it to 2 bottles.... Perhaps my mum should start charging her ....

Good on your dh, she's a mean spirited old crone and I hope he tells her!

Dawndonnaagain Tue 24-Dec-13 09:11:49

There are six of us. This year for Christmas, there are four extras, so ten altogether. One foster dd, one girlfriend of ds and two friends of ds1. I will provide food, drink and a present under the tree so that they don't have to twiddle their thumbs whilst others open their stuff. I wouldn't dream of charging anybody, I have been alone at Christmas and it's bloody miserable.

beamme Tue 24-Dec-13 09:17:34

Really can't believe this! In absolute shock. It's Christmas and you are family! Some of my friends are splitting the cost this year, but they sat down a couple of weeks ago and worked out who would bring what!
And the amount of money she's charging is ridiculous.
I've spent roughly £250 over the past 2 weeks and that includes the usual weekly shop plus the Christmas/Boxing Day/New Year roasts, nibbles, cooked breakfasts and alcohol. That's for a family of 4 plus 2 adults at each main meal and 4 guests each night.
If you do go ask for an itemized bill.

MysteriousHamster Tue 24-Dec-13 09:20:58

I simply wouldn't go!

MardyBra Tue 24-Dec-13 09:23:28

Looks like a rare unanimous YANBU to me.

passedgo Tue 24-Dec-13 09:23:46

This is unbelievable. Tell her this, tell her that she will be remembered through history as the aunty that made us all pay for Christmas dinner. If she doesn't waive the fee, get to the shops now and sort out your own. There is plenty of food left in the shops. Ask others to bring drinks.

FriedSprout Tue 24-Dec-13 09:25:22

If it's not too late I would text:

I am so sorry, didn't realise you were having financial difficulties, would you like me to pick up some crackers as well?"

NearTheWindmill Tue 24-Dec-13 09:25:41

You're doing absolutely the right thing. She's unbelievable. I've hosted Christmas for 23 years - between 6 and 10 most years and wouldn't dream of asking for a penny. Usually have MIL for all of Christmas week too. For the three main days I reckon I spend between £350.

If you get out sharpish you will still get a small turkey for about £24, pudding for £6ish, creams, gravy, bread sauce and all the trimmings for about another £25.00 - chuck in some wine and a bottle of what you fancy and you probably can't do it all for less than £64 (just remembered crackers) but you will have leftovers for boxing day so make sure you have salad, chips and pickles to go with the cold turkey.

What a misery.

Hello dawndonna - happy Christmas; look we've moved smile

Coconutty Tue 24-Dec-13 09:28:14

Yeah that would be a no from me.

yourcruisedirector Tue 24-Dec-13 09:28:41

YES to the update OP.

And btw if you do end up going, and paying - do not lift a finger to clean up, demand waitress service, and complain several times about your cut of meat/gravy/drink refill. I worked Christmas Day in a restaurant for many years and this wouldn't be unusual behaviour!

Hope your DP has more luck. Seriously, bring out a back dated bill for her share of the last x Christmases you have hosted. It will drive home the point.

Even if your sister has completely overspent or lives on credit, there are better ways to handle such a last minute request. It doesn't include charging childrenconfused

bubalou Tue 24-Dec-13 09:28:55

Wow. I think everyone else has pretty much covered it.

We go to my mums every year as they like to host. One year I bought all the alcohol, desserts and appetisers and soft drinks. The other years I have given her money towards it - not from her asking.

There is 5 of them and 3 of us. We are there constantly over Xmas and they will probably feed us 6-7 times plus give us stuff to takeaway plus they do all the Xmas cooking.

Me and mum did the shop together yesterday that covers all the food for8 of us until new year and it was £200 so I gave her £100. She didn't like it but I made her. This is how u deal with the situation in a fair way.

Only an insane arsehole sends a bill!!! confused

NoComet Tue 24-Dec-13 09:29:57

DM pays for meat, we do everything else.

No idea how it pans out, I don't keep accounts and stuff is on far too many supermarket bills to care.

fedup21 Tue 24-Dec-13 09:36:13

I have only read the initial post and the one where OP says fine, she'll settle on the day do apologies if the thread has moved on since then.

I would imagine that the fact you didn't kick up a fuss shows why she's done this-she knew you wouldn't so knew she'd get away with it.

What I don't understand is why on earth you didn't say anything about all the previous years?! Now she has no idea how cross you are and will do this again!

TikkaTurkey Tue 24-Dec-13 09:39:47

Wowsers. That's outrageous! I can be a bit of a tightarse myself blush but even I think that that is BEYOND cheeky!
If you host dinner, you don't charge it, ESPECIALLY if you always usually host for free!
£64 for dinner at her house? She's taking the pish.

FourAndDone Tue 24-Dec-13 09:43:21

OMGblush

whattoWHO Tue 24-Dec-13 09:46:28

At the very least I'd be negotiating a discount because I don't kikey bread sauce and none of us would be eating brussels.

TidyDancer Tue 24-Dec-13 09:46:53

I'm stunned. And this is coming from the one who has gluezilla and the takeaway bitch of a cousin to deal with.

Do not pay under any circumstances. Trust me on this. If people think they can take advantage of you, they will keep doing it.

passedgo Tue 24-Dec-13 09:53:57

OP don't wait til the new year to toughen up, toughen up now!

passedgo Tue 24-Dec-13 09:54:30

OP don't wait til the new year to toughen up, toughen up now!

Nanny0gg Tue 24-Dec-13 09:56:49

There's another thread where people are having guests drop out of their Christmas get-together at the last minute.

Maybe you should be one of them? At least you've got good reason rather than just a better offer!

soverylucky Tue 24-Dec-13 09:58:53

As you have previously hosted you should not have to pay but it would be rude to turn up with nothing. If you had never hosted before then I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask for some money towards the meal.

PTFO Tue 24-Dec-13 10:00:10

YADNBU. But then you knew that!! Don't go. Go to the supermarket NOW. Ring your sis and ask what she was thinking, ask if you should have charged last year and are you sniffing glue cos you really are off your fucking rocker. Invite everyone round to yours but her show em how its done.

Hell email/text her the link to this if you cant face doing that, we can say it for you. Merry xmas tight sister you have truly lost the plot. shame on you.

Bonsoir Tue 24-Dec-13 10:00:13

I think that it is a good idea to offer to contribute it a big family Christmas (or other special occasion) meal by ringing up the hosts and making a meaningful suggestion well ahead of time. I often bring dessert from Paris or send champagne ahead, after checking that thus suits the host family's plans.

phantomnamechanger Tue 24-Dec-13 10:03:53

I cant believe anyone in their right mind thinks this would be OK!

You say she's expecting her first DC so maybe the reality of how much it was going to cost to host did not hit her till she actually did the big shop, because she is not used to feeding a family/lots of people. Even so, there are better ways of going about this than she has and if she is relatively well off and has enjoyed everyone else's hospitality over the years she needs to just take it in her stride and get on with it.

we do what most normal folk seem to do - and offer to take something to any event that someone else is hosting - I am doing 2 savouries and a pudd for a boxing day buffett at SILs - apart from being polite it means there's something I know the kids like!

drivingmisslazy Tue 24-Dec-13 10:07:15

OMFG utter outrageous. I would definitely not be paying. Fair enough to bring your own booze and maybe a pudding but to charge (unless your totally skint and agree this beforehand)

Pancakeflipper Tue 24-Dec-13 10:07:32

I think she has a cheek.

I have been a host for 10yrs to our families and none of them bring a bottle /mince pie etc. though my mother brings a box of ready to make trifle and expects me to make it complete with sprinkles.
Next year after a talking to from MNetters I am growing some balls. But I didn't think of charging......

FairPhyllis Tue 24-Dec-13 10:08:28

Tell her to get stuffed. If you go and give her the money then she will continue to behave outrageously.

YouTheCat Tue 24-Dec-13 10:08:33

I await the update with interest.

If you end up dashing round the supermarket, I hope you end up with the most delicious food and have a great time. smile

Your sis is a cow.

PenguinsDontEatStollen Tue 24-Dec-13 10:11:00

Wow. Outrageous! Tell us how it ends!

I have no problem with saying "I would love to host but I can't afford the cost". Spreading it can be a good way to have a big family Christmas without someone having to spend a lot of money.

But to offer to host, as others have done in the past, and then send a bill is shock

CaterpillarCara Tue 24-Dec-13 10:14:47

Sharing is fine - be it items, turn-about hosting or money. It should always be open and agreed though.

She has in the past experienced "turn-about hosting" and is now trying to move to a different model when it doesn't suit her as it is her turn to cough up!

We're going to family. They are doing turkey, potatoes, pudding, cream, snacks. We are doing ham, side dishes, crackers, booze, juice, mince pies, cake. Hopefully that is roughly even - but we have at least tried to be fair.

I have done it the money way in the past, one year when I ended up hosting 14 - some unknown to me - we decided about a month ahead that the kitty approach would be best. I think it was about £12 each, but I think it was a fairly different scenario to this.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 10:23:21

Thank you lovely mners. We are now having dinner at home and taking the dcs to dsil after so they can play with their cousins. I tried to be reasonable but she is having none of it. In a not very festive manner she can go shove her Christmas dinner somewhere unmentionablegrin Thank you for making me see sense. I have also spoken to a rl friend today so feel very happy that I definitely anbu!

passedgo Tue 24-Dec-13 10:25:45

Excellent! I bet she's absolutely fuming!

fsmile

nennypops Tue 24-Dec-13 10:26:37

Tell us more! How does she attempt to justify this?

FannyFifer Tue 24-Dec-13 10:27:11

Well done, hope your dad is going to yours as well,she will likely ramp up the price as she's now 4 X £16 down.

Come on , spill! grin

Was she all spluttering and indignant, was it you or dh who spoke to her?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 24-Dec-13 10:31:35

Yeah, everyone will have to pay more now, hope shes down more, it'll teach her a lesson not to be a greedy cow.

MintyChops Tue 24-Dec-13 10:34:39

Well done*Mercury*, she is a complete loon and a shocking example of meanness combined with pride; too proud to back down or admit you might have a point. Have a wonderful time at home and remember to sweep in full of festive joy for playtime. Enjoy what I confidently predict will be a sour-faced reception.

I do wish you had asked her " Are you snorting the fucking sherry?".

Dubjackeen Tue 24-Dec-13 10:35:59

Well done OP, that was going to be a pricey dinner! How would anyone even think of setting a price per head for Christmas dinner! Nothing wrong at all with sharing costs, as others have mentioned, but actually sitting down and texting a price per person..words fail me! Sounds like she usually gets away with things, so this might hopefully start to change a bit. Be prepared to point out when you bring the kids over to play, that you have hosted previously without charging her!
Enjoy your dinner at home fgrin and happy Christmas!

Weller Tue 24-Dec-13 10:37:52

I can just get my head around charging, but to charge children to subsidise adults is ridiculous. Do you get the kids share of bubbly and wine. Awful.

Lavenderhoney Tue 24-Dec-13 10:38:24

When you pop over don't forget a flask of tea and a packet of sandwiches incase you or your dc get hungrysmile

goshhhhhh Tue 24-Dec-13 10:40:36

Go you!

nitrox Tue 24-Dec-13 10:42:44

Well done!

nennypops Tue 24-Dec-13 10:42:55

Weller, she was going to charge extra for drinks!

ZenNudist Tue 24-Dec-13 10:47:15

Well done! What a shame she had to go spoil family get together. Hope you can sort something out for next year. Current plan sounds like the best model for future!

HermioneWeasley Tue 24-Dec-13 10:49:22

Hurrah! Brilliant, hope you get hold of everything you need for lunch without too much hassle.

quietbatperson Tue 24-Dec-13 10:51:01

The awful thing is that I could see my SIL trying to pull the same stunt, which is one of the reasons we have never been to hers for Christmas.

Well done OP. Are the others coming to you too?

mistlethrush Tue 24-Dec-13 10:56:02

I hope you have a very happy (and less expensive and probably more delicious) Christmas meal (and hope that your father is able to join you too!)

onelittlepiglet Tue 24-Dec-13 10:57:40

This is rude! I have no problem contributing or bringing a pudding or other food (plus wine/ drinks etc which we wold take to any social gathering at someone's house).

My sister hosted us last year and we did contribute but she didn't demand it - we talked about it weeks before and we made a contribution which I included brunch, lunch and snacks/dinner plus drinks. (£50 for two adults and a 2 year old in case you were wondering) and I made the pudding. But my sister bought lots of expensive food and we were happy to pay extra for that - would have been a lot more if we had hosted it for everyone!

I've never hosted my sister so there is no history of her enjoying my hospitality for free and then charging me - that would really upset me if I were you.

MudCity Tue 24-Dec-13 10:58:00

Brilliant news!

You don't invite people for a meal then, just before the meal takes place, inform them that you will be charging them £16 a head.

Who needs a bill like that sprung on them for a family meal?

You have done the right thing. You will still see your sister, your DCs will see their cousins. That is totally reasonable.

Have a lovely Christmas lunch!

TikkaTurkey Tue 24-Dec-13 10:59:34

Just read the update, so glad you're not going to go and pay her!
Everybody bringing a dish if she was worried about costs would be fine (one bring veg, one bring meat etc) but to charge £64 for going to her house for dinner is disgraceful!
Hope you have a lovely dinner at yours smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 24-Dec-13 10:59:49

Well done, Mercury. Is your Dad coming to you or going to your sister's?

btw... I wondered why you took offence at your sister only charging your children to eat lunch? She shouldn't have been charging any of you.

Geckos48 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:52

Hope you are having your dad over! What a Scrooge!

starofbethlehemfishmummy Tue 24-Dec-13 11:10:33

Well done OP

I hope you have a great day.

showdetailsofnicknamechanges Tue 24-Dec-13 11:11:47

Well done you. I was sitting here thinking that I'd be staying at home for dinner, even if all I could rusti up was cheese on toast. It is not that I am averse to sharing the cost - in the past I have borne the full cost of the day when my dais hosted at her house when it was really my 'turn' (her house is bigger and more easily accommodates us all ), or supplied half the food and drink. But never, absolutely never, would she text and demand a 'per head' fee.
Enjoy your dinner at home. thanks

notapizzaeater Tue 24-Dec-13 11:14:43

So glad you are not going, purely for the cheek factor ....

If I'd have gone I'd have been simmering all through the meal, adding up the cost of everything ruining my christmas.

Christmas seems to bring out the loons !

Dawndonnaagain Tue 24-Dec-13 11:17:55

NeartheWindmill Merry Christmas! Lovely to see you, hope all is well and the move wasn't too traumatic.

(I suspect we used to go scrumping not too far from you, but you'll have to check that with baby brother)! grin

mamasin Tue 24-Dec-13 11:18:45

Delighted you've made your point Mercury hope you have a lovely day with your family

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking Tue 24-Dec-13 11:21:11

I've just read the whole thread.

If that was my sister I would have asked what she was on grin

good on you for staying at home.

Are you going to show your sister this thread? grin

YouTheCat Tue 24-Dec-13 11:23:15

Maybe 'glue'? grin

Gluesister!

brettgirl2 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:23:37

I think its a great idea. But I think I'll leave the billing until after dinner when they've finished because I don't want to lose out from cancellations.

wtf??? You can't invite someone round for dinner and then charge them. I read the op out to dh and he was just shock. And 16 quid for a five year old grin ?????

I read the OP to the office clerk and she reckons OP's sis is a "bam".

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 24-Dec-13 11:27:12

Oh.My.God

I need details of that phone call.

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please pretty please.

AngelaDaviesHair Tue 24-Dec-13 11:30:21

I do hope your DSis had already bought all the food and drink so will have to foot the bill anyway. Lots of extra food she won't need, ha ha.

Seriously, if she has eaten her fill for years at your house or your mother's, suddenly charging you a fortune for Christmas dinner is outrageous.

yes, what was said in the phone call????

(there is a thread in chat with someone complaining that their sister in law has just cancelled coming for Xmas!)

Melfish Tue 24-Dec-13 11:35:54

Never heard of being charged for Xmas dinner, my mum would've made a mint! If you are told well in advance that you will be charged £x then you can make a decision to pay or not go and do something else. Likewise, bringing pudding, wine etc you can make your own budget. Those situations are reasonable. Your sister sounds awful OP, I think your alternative plans sound much better, and hope you all have a great time.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 24-Dec-13 11:39:37

Oh please tell us what was said in the phonecall! fgrin

How did she try to justify the charge? What did she say when you mentioned the fact that no-one has ever charged before?

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Tue 24-Dec-13 11:43:23

If they can afford to host XMas lunch OK it seems really bizarre to me.
If they were really broke then they could ask people to bring drinks or even make a contribution beforehand - but not at this stage, and £16 a head including for her little niece and nephew, blimey, Scrooge wouldn't charge more ?! fgrin
Try to see the ridiculous side OP and not feel too cross - possibly consider "paying" for the adults, if pushed?

Kikibee Tue 24-Dec-13 11:48:13

Wow, so if you aren't going has she increased price for others to cover costs? Love this, I do need plenty of updates please smile

OMG OMG!!! I have heard of being asked to contribute a pudding/starter (understandable) but £64 to go to your own sisters for Xmas Dinner, that is shocking!!!

I very much doubt it costs anywhere that much to feed your family & even if it does, why is she hosting an event she seems to be unable to cough up for?

I wouldn't go, she is taking the piss!

pigletmania Tue 24-Dec-13 11:54:22

Yanbu tat is downright rude and shocking. I would stay at home. What about the times she as eaten at yours. Imwould just say that deduct it from the times you've eaten t mine and you hosted. Cheeky mear!

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 24-Dec-13 11:55:12

I've popped to Tesco this morning and they've reduced price on all their turkeys, if that helps?

Ok we seriously need details here!

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Tue 24-Dec-13 11:55:31

I hope it works out OK going round afterwards so cousins can get together OP. There might be a bit of an atmosphere I reckon? Absolutely not your fault though

pigletmania Tue 24-Dec-13 11:56:54

Good on you op, next time do not host them, if you do send them a private bill, and charge the baby too!

Details! Details!

DidoTheDodo Tue 24-Dec-13 12:13:11

Well done Mercury. I am agog at your Dsis cheek and cheering you on in your opposition to her meanness.

comingintomyown Tue 24-Dec-13 12:16:06

Yes come on OP spill !

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Tue 24-Dec-13 12:24:11

Yes, what do you think, fresh puree of parsnip - at least a fiver I reckon!

MintyChops Tue 24-Dec-13 12:36:07

Blue will you link to that thread in Chat please? Can't find, wondering if it's the "D" sis......

Chippednailvarnish Tue 24-Dec-13 12:37:57

I clearly need to get a life, its Christmas eve and I'm ignoring the kids so I can catch up with the Gluesister situation grin

Me too Chipped, looking forward to the update!

pigletmania Tue 24-Dec-13 12:45:28

Glue sister definitely, ges with gluezilla from Tidys thread

YouTheCat Tue 24-Dec-13 12:46:25

I'm just popping in between baking stuff. Omg the smells coming from the kitchen are heaven. grin

headinhands Tue 24-Dec-13 12:48:05

My sister did this one year for me and my toddler. £10 and this was 20 years ago. Thing is, on Christmas Eve one of my other sisters turned up and asked if we'd like to go to hers for Christmas. I said I couldn't as I'd paid for my meal already. She was shock. To be fair the sister who charged me had helped me out quite a bit over that year and was struggling for money so it's not as bad as it seems. Some years later she came to ours for Christmas and tried to offer money so she obviously sees it as quite normal but I wouldn't ever charge someone myself.

LaceyLee Tue 24-Dec-13 12:49:04

That's utterly shocking! Disgraceful! Tell her to do one, I don't think I could sit through dinner with someone that mean!

FunnyFestiveTableRunner Tue 24-Dec-13 12:51:17

Marking place for update!

Good luck with the last minute Christmas Dinner shop OP.

ViviPru Tue 24-Dec-13 12:51:24

This is all just odd. For me the crux of the entire issue is the fact that other family members have hosted before and not asked to share the cost. With that as a fact, I really struggle to imagine any conversations she might have that might sound reasonable to her, I just can't imagine what in earth she'd say to justify it, her angle, if you will.

Do you think her DH is driving this?

phantomnamechanger Tue 24-Dec-13 12:52:23

shameless place-marking fgrin

fedup21 Tue 24-Dec-13 12:57:17

Can you detail the conversation for us nosy types?!

VivaLeBeaver Tue 24-Dec-13 13:00:17

Well done for telling her.

I wonder if everyone else will now have to pay £24 a head?

carrotsandparsnips Tue 24-Dec-13 13:01:43

fshock

Cybercat Tue 24-Dec-13 13:05:32

Come back OP!

Groovee Tue 24-Dec-13 13:09:13

So glad you have cancelled on her. But come on we need more details! grin

halestone Tue 24-Dec-13 13:10:42

OP, i hope your ok i know that family arguments can leave you feeling upset. thanks

alemci Tue 24-Dec-13 13:11:15

that is appalling. Is she short of cash. I would be outraged and wouldn't go. How mean!

nkf Tue 24-Dec-13 13:13:12

I admit to being curious about how the conversation went.

fedup21 Tue 24-Dec-13 13:15:33

Did you point out that she hadn't had to pay in previous years? How did she take that?

RibenaFiend Tue 24-Dec-13 13:27:26

£16 per head is totally TOTALLY insane!

DP & I are cooking Christmas dinner for 20 adults tonight (+2 babies)
We have good quality meat (Costco chickens and beef, sausages and bacon) I am also making a nutroast, we are having all the trimmings.

We discussed cooking a meal with our friends rather than spent £60 odd each on a meal then a pub have said to our friends BYO drinks (some Muslims, some under age, some TTotal.) DP and I costed it up to within 6 inches of it's life. We are in a large hall with a two ovens in the kitchen (thank God) and making everything from scratch. Our friends have contributed £7.50
YES £7.50 each. (Babies don't pay!)
That's 2 courses.
The excess (I think we may have an additional £20) is being donated to whichever charity we select tonight. Everyone's offered left overs. wink

Of course I'm a leeeeeeetle bit smug smile
But my point is, i am in London and can feed 20 for £7.50 a head serving 2 meats, a vegan option, sausage meat stuffing and pigs in blankets.

Your sister is having you on.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 24-Dec-13 13:29:10

Ribena, stop it before i track you down and join you grin

Chippednailvarnish Tue 24-Dec-13 13:30:33

And £16 doesn't include drinks!

Groovee Tue 24-Dec-13 13:36:41

Well it's made me work out what I have spent. It works out including drinks at £9.76 per head for a 4 course meal! Not bad really.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1947285-Just-had-a-text-from-SIL-to-say-they-are-not-coming-for-Christmas-dinner-tomorrow

I am sure it is not the same people but it did make me wonder!

MintyChops Tue 24-Dec-13 13:56:44

Ta Blue......

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 24-Dec-13 14:03:10

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1947285-Just-had-a-text-from-SIL-to-say-they-are-not-coming-for-Christmas-dinner-tomorrow here?]]

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 24-Dec-13 14:04:28
lougle Tue 24-Dec-13 14:06:15

The cost sounds reasonable, for the meal itself. meat/poultry prices are high this year. Charging for the meal is really very unfair -it turns hospitality into catering.

londonrach Tue 24-Dec-13 14:07:30

Marking place. In our family we share it. Im getting cheese and cake and crackers. X

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 24-Dec-13 14:23:05

You're so much stronger than me. I wish we were hosting at home, we've forked out £70 to my DSis who is by no means poor and is realising the cost of hosting as this is the first time she's done it. I've done christmas and Easter and given up my bed for family just about every year for the last 9. I've scrimped and saved to create lovely family events and even though my budget has been far less than anyone elses I've never dreamed of asking for a contribution. I've got up with her DC through the night and in the am so she can lie in. I've changed nappies, clothes, done the baths etc etc.

I'm really quite offended but don't want to stew over Christmas about whether to pay so paid up already. It is nigling though. That money wasn't budgeted for because she offered to host this year.

She also wants me to bring dessert, which I've baked, wine and coke. All the kids presents are already at her house. Lots of tongue bitting will be needed and hopefully as soon as we're all together I'll get into the spirit and enjoy being with the wider family.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 14:25:59

I am back but haven't caught up with all that has been said as I am massively behind with Christmas Eve cleaning. I managed to get everything so all is good. Dbro thinks I should have got him to negotiate to stop the situation getting out of control.
Have not heard anymore from dsis except for her to say if I had explained she would have recalculated the cost amongst the adults, but when I explained this was exactly what dp had tried to do she did not reply to the point. I have ranted at dsil and bf and feel much better now, there have been tears but I am ready to enjoy Christmas now. Thank you once again lovely mners for making me feel better. Obviously if there are any more plot twists I will let you know. Merry Christmas grin

Chippednailvarnish Tue 24-Dec-13 14:27:37

Have a good one, she sounds like a grabby cow.

dreamingofsun Tue 24-Dec-13 14:33:31

thanks for updating us mercury....interesting thread. personally i wouldn't have wanted SIL to recalculate - i wouldn't want to be subsidised by the other 'paying guests'. she is still missing the point - she's had free meals over the years from others and she's being a scrooge - as no doubt people have said

happy christmas

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 14:34:00

Misformumnotmaid I hope it all works out and you and dc have a lovely Christmas. Bloody families.

MercuryRising Tue 24-Dec-13 14:35:19

dreamingofsun you are exactly right - have a lovely Christmas.

MrsDeanAmbrose Tue 24-Dec-13 14:35:25

for her to say if I had explained she would have recalculated the cost amongst the adults

Bloody hell, she's really not getting it, is she?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 24-Dec-13 14:36:52

Hope she has a nice time when the ghost of christmas past, shows her the dinners shes had at others expense, and the ghost of christmas future, shows her having a miserable xmas with just her DH, because no one wants to join them, and shes banned from everywhere else.

pigletmania Tue 24-Dec-13 14:39:12

Reccaluate, what a fecking cheek. It's the whole principle behind it tats the issue. She was quite happy to ake for free from people, you and your parents, but when it's her turn to host, turned it into a business venture. Good in you for making a stand, you showed her that this would not be tolerated.

AnnabelleLee Tue 24-Dec-13 14:40:26

I can't believe the nerve of some people! I'm at PIL's this year,and will bring starter and cheeseboard. MIL rang me this morning to ask me to pick up some more wine, and said she'd give me the money back, but I wouldn't dream of actually taking it off her not least because I'll be drinking most of it

happytalk13 Tue 24-Dec-13 14:42:20

I think I can now safely say I have seen it all!

Snowdown Tue 24-Dec-13 14:44:13

Well done standing your ground, I have overbearing sisters and I know how hard it can be. Now you will have a great day with your dh and dcs without spending the whole day fuming at your dsis. I hope she realised how completely and utterly unreasonable she was being.

Bunbaker Tue 24-Dec-13 14:49:46

So there she is with all the food to pay for and hardly anyone to eat it. I wonder when the penny will drop.

I find some people unbelievable.

fancyanotherfez Tue 24-Dec-13 14:50:26

I think she has either deliberately misunderstood the point or it has not been explained to her. Recalculating would make no difference as you presumably would have to pay extra. The point is that it is rude and grabby to charge for Christmas dinner and completely different from asking people to bring drinks or a course.It Would still rankle with me that she hasn't got that. I hope you don't get her a gift!

WipsGlitter Tue 24-Dec-13 14:56:59

Did you not point out that you've never charged her?

Minnieistheglittermouse Tue 24-Dec-13 15:02:25

Id take some change and leave 50p p/person on the table. Smile sweetly. Then say...

"Oh, I thought we were tipping what we thought it was worth....?"

I'd also chug her wine like the titanic vs Atlantic. Gotta getcha monies worth at hers I think!

phantomnamechanger Tue 24-Dec-13 15:05:05

The sister must KNOW she's never been charged when others have done the catering, so if she was even thinking of this, should have laid it out clear from the outset, before people said they would come. It's totally not on to just ask for the money without so much as an embarrassed "whoops, I did not realise how much this was gonna cost, we really cant afford, please can you all chip in".

I still think the cost is way OTT £16 a head?? even with a couple of choices of good quality meat and a salmon/prawn starter and wine with choice of several luxury pudds, it would not cost that per head

grovel Tue 24-Dec-13 15:05:59

I would have gone and treated the place like a restaurant. Send some food back, say that the wine was corked, ask if the bill included a tip etc.

sockssandalsandafork Tue 24-Dec-13 15:08:30

I feel a bit sad for you, however idiotic your Sister has been I bet you feel a bit shit and sad now sad

Remember she left you with no choice, if you had all gone and stumped up your money then you may as well all written 'twat' on your foreheads as you sat round the dinner table!!

I hope you got a lovely reduced super duper platinum turkey today smile

Merry Christmas

chinley Tue 24-Dec-13 15:16:03

Wow. We're going for a 3 course turkey dinner this evening at a cost of £13 per head, so at the very least she's overcharging you! fgrin

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 24-Dec-13 15:20:41

I see now, cheeky cow is looking to make a profit, labour thats what it is, thats her pay for cooking it all.

FrankSpenser Tue 24-Dec-13 15:24:31

Some people become utter ahem, cunts at christmas. My God!

TalkinPeace Tue 24-Dec-13 15:26:20

Send her a spare Christmas tree or four - they are reduced to 1p each in my local B&Q today fgrin

anonacfr Tue 24-Dec-13 15:29:12

I want more details! What exactly did you/she said?

PenguinBear Tue 24-Dec-13 15:40:27

Hope your dad joins you guys and you have a lovely Christmas lunch without the stress of your dsis!

RigglinRoundTheChristmasTree Tue 24-Dec-13 15:57:32

Glad it's sorted Mercury

I would've been tempted to eat up, then complain about meal and service and requested a refund! fwink

BitOfFunWithSanta Tue 24-Dec-13 17:21:17

SNORT @ "dessert from Paris". Because that is so different from dessert from Wolverhampton fgrin.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Tue 24-Dec-13 17:23:03

I'm glad you turned her down and now spending it at home.

fancyanotherfez Tue 24-Dec-13 17:25:39

Yes rather than be fuming and resentful you'll have a lovely time just you and the kids. Merry Christmas!

Merry Xmas, glad you sorted it amd are having christmas at home. Probably cheaper too!

Pimpf Tue 24-Dec-13 17:43:07

Well done mercury, good for you for standing up to her, don't let anyone talk you into apologising to her, explain that you have swallowed the cost in previous years and if she's that. Hard up she should have discussed it with you first. Stand firm, you can do it

Did you point out that you have never charged her when you were hosting?

TheDoctrineOfSanta Tue 24-Dec-13 20:55:10

Well done OP.

poorbuthappy Tue 24-Dec-13 21:19:42

So do we have a thread crossover?

HyvaPaiva Tue 24-Dec-13 21:32:03

BOF grin j'ai esclaffé aussi

bishbashboosh Tue 24-Dec-13 21:36:06

Really I have never heard anything so disgusting in my lifehmm

BlackDaisies Tue 24-Dec-13 21:44:05

I love that you've decided to stay home. Good for you! What did your dad decide to do in the end? Hope you have a great day grin

MadAsFish Tue 24-Dec-13 21:59:52

SNORT @ "dessert from Paris". Because that is so different from dessert from Wolverhampton

Dunno. Do they have Len˘tre or Dalloyau in Wolverhampton?

BitOfFunWithSanta Tue 24-Dec-13 22:01:59

I've no idea. But I bet they are lower on braggy ponces.

MadAsFish Tue 24-Dec-13 22:04:08

Nice chip.

foreverondiet Tue 24-Dec-13 22:07:06

Totally rude to first mention it at this point. Was she asked to host or did she offer? Yes it's expensive to host but you shouldn't offer unless you can afford it - and even then otherwise it should all be discussed well in advance so people can decide if they want to come or not.

I would probably respond with - "gosh wasn't expecting to contribute but if you insist I will, although £16 per child is totally excessive so please recalculate in a fairer way".

Fwiw I went to stay with my sister last year, it was for a week (she is abroad) and I transferred £250 into her bank account. She didn't ask though but expensive to fed family of 5 for a week including festive season.

passedgo Wed 25-Dec-13 02:25:35

Misformumnotmaid - we just had a christmas eve family do, we all brought something, no money changed hands, it just worked out. We know roughly how many people will be there, we bring a few dishes of the right quantity, I probably spent about £20, db probably about the same and some guests brought a few quids worth of cheese or whatever. There was enough to feed 15 people. No money has ever changed hands in our family, families just do the right thing - if they have to work out contracts and agreements then they're not really families imo.

Asking soeone to pay £70 sounds completely unnecessary but to ask this of your family is just bizarre. I really don't get it.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 25-Dec-13 14:48:45

My sister (who is currently brassic but emphatically NOT mean) is reading this over my shoulder looking like this shock. She has asked me to point out that it may be a ruse to ensure SIL is never asked to host a family event again. Unwanted side effect or cunning plan? Who knows...

ShinyBauble Wed 25-Dec-13 16:39:49

Wow! How did she justify charging when nobody else does? I would have been tempted to ask in a very sympathetic tone if she was having money troubles. If she likes to lord it over you she would hate that!

But I hope you're having a great Christmas at home!

MercuryRising Wed 25-Dec-13 20:41:20

Hello lovely mners just to let you know we had a fantastic day. Dad came for breakfast and the went to dsis for dinner. Hope you all had a brilliant day. Thank you all for your support.

Snowdown Wed 25-Dec-13 20:56:24

fsmile

Sadoldbag Wed 25-Dec-13 21:05:13

Reminds me of a birthday party my sister invited my son to then on the day told me I would be paying the price of the team park and the meal after and dropping and picking up AT the theme park

It's not the charging that op is pissed with it's not being up front until it's almost to late I am sure op would have helped out in terms of bring a few dishes but I find this way of doing thing slightly underhand

GimmeDaBoobehz Wed 25-Dec-13 21:09:59

Wow, she has some nerve hasn't she.

You and your Mum have hosted in previous years and asked for nothing which is the spirit of Christmas, especially when you are a family. But then she wants money from you even though you have never charged her.

Some people's rudeness shocks me, although it really shouldn't.

Let us know how it went, OP.

GimmeDaBoobehz Wed 25-Dec-13 21:10:35

Oops sorry, didn't see the update.

Glad you had a good day, been a right nerve though!

pigletmania Wed 25-Dec-13 21:34:52

Did she charge you though!

Mimishimi Wed 25-Dec-13 21:47:12

Did she offer to host Christmas this year? Maybe charging everyone was her plan all along to make a bit of extra cash! Normal people struggling with the cost of hosting would ask everyone else to bring a plate of food. Good on you for deciding not to go.

RealAleandOpenFires Wed 25-Dec-13 22:42:01

I think I can now safely say I have seen it all!

Not unless, the place settings have a "money grabbing poem" in naice handwriting, of course wink on them.

daisychain01 Thu 26-Dec-13 02:19:56

SNORT @ "dessert from Paris". Because that is so different from dessert from Wolverhampton

Wouldn't it be a bit cold and congealed by the time it arrived from Paris not as nice and fresh as from Wolverhampton surely fgrin

daisychain01 Thu 26-Dec-13 02:21:05

Oops sorry misspelt... naice

<must remember to add to dictionary>

34DD Thu 26-Dec-13 03:24:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 26-Dec-13 09:59:33

34DD Well done to your DH for telling her to fuck off, what a cheeky bitch.

34DD Thu 26-Dec-13 10:52:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Did she still charge your dad?

MercuryRising Thu 26-Dec-13 19:27:22

Yes she did!

ilovesooty Thu 26-Dec-13 19:32:27

I can't imagine she'll get many takers next year.

MercuryRising Thu 26-Dec-13 19:42:19

No I think the plans will definitely be different next yearwink

TheDoctrineOfSanta Thu 26-Dec-13 19:43:41

Oh, your poor dad!

pigletmania Thu 26-Dec-13 20:06:30

How absolutely low, it just ruins everything

SillyTilly123 Thu 26-Dec-13 20:31:32

Just read all this. Did she recalculate the cost so the other guests had to pay more. ie instead of splitting it between 11, split it between 6?

I cooked dinner yesterday for my nan and db and sil, and theres no way id ever think of charging (and I pick them up and drop them off) Its disgraceful angry

Your sister is even more cold and grasping now thst we know she charged your dad alone!

Utterly shameless, cow!

how was the atmosphere yesterday afternoon?

NonnoMum Thu 26-Dec-13 20:42:15

Pay her your fair share...

.. but in 2 pence pieces...

Happy New Year. God Bless Us - One and All xxx

headinhands Thu 26-Dec-13 20:43:04

Actually you're on to something there. I did 3 hrs driving yesterday so that relatives could join us for dinner. One guest even told us beforehand what they did and didn't want, which we happily catered for. Such tailored service would surely come at a premium. I even gave them presents! Should I have charged for that too? There was me thinking it was families being families.

MadAsFish Thu 26-Dec-13 22:47:03

Shit a brick, she charged her own father for dinner on Christmas day.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Thu 26-Dec-13 22:49:54

Put that way it does sound quite bad Fish doesn't it ? fgrin
Slightly worse even than charging your own sister?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 26-Dec-13 22:58:18

I discussed this with my family around dinner, my mum and her DP, agreed, if the cost was discussed before or items coming from certain guest, that would have acceptable, but to charge just before xmas like your pre booking at a restaurant takes the piss.

MadAsFish Thu 26-Dec-13 22:59:56

Oh god no, any family is just awful; I just can't believe she went ahead and did it.

ilovesooty Thu 26-Dec-13 23:00:18

Charging her father is just horrible.

Poetnojo Thu 26-Dec-13 23:01:22

When she gives you a gift does she ask you to reimburse her?!?
It would be just as cheeky.

AlpacaPicnic Thu 26-Dec-13 23:09:51

I relayed this tale to my parents today over delayed Christmas dinner... They were gobsmacked although my dad looked as though he was considering it for a minute at the concept of charging guests!

Mellowandfruitful Thu 26-Dec-13 23:16:16

As others have said (lougle was one) the cost itself isn't that unreasonable - certainly if you were getting in a really nice turkey - but announcing that you are going to charge, the day before, when you yourself have enjoyed free hospitality every other year, is outrageous.

If she wanted to get arrangements onto a different footing, she should have suggested that from next year you split the bill for the food items or similar. But it's just wrong to decide this off her own bat.

Snowhoho Thu 26-Dec-13 23:25:57

How did your Sisters dinner go then OP, do you know?

PedantMarina Thu 26-Dec-13 23:29:23

Well, the DF is on DLA.

But, yeah, I haven't heard specifically that the father had ever hosted the dinner - OP and her DM both have (but let's not assume that mum and dad are a unit - sometimes people aren't these days!).

So, my outrage has been evenly split between the OP and her mum getting charged, and DF as well because of the DLA factor. Unless I hear otherwise, I'm feeling that DM might get some sympathy points deducted for letting DSIS to get the way she seems to have - a previous OP post made me ponder this...

PedantMarina Thu 26-Dec-13 23:38:23

Yes! Mellowandfruitful have a certain element to it: the "family committee" element of things. This is something that has probably fallen by the wayside.

But, yes, I see that part of the issue must be that OP (presumably older, but definitely "further along on the road of life" (already having two DCs) and her&DSIS' mum having done one thing, but DSIS (new to hosting) deciding to unilaterally change the dynamic.

And (read the posts from yesterday/Christmas Eve) STILL NOT getting wht she's doing wrong.

OP Please save me from having to do mental arithmetic at near-midnight on Boxing Day - what was the re-jigged total for the remainder of the DSIS dinner guests?...

Mintyy Fri 27-Dec-13 00:02:07

Heh heh Boffy grin. Dessert from Paris was the stand-out comment on this thread for me too.

Op I hope you had a lovely Christmas.

One of my favourite ever aibus was a Christmas thread posted by someone in your sil's position. She was the host and she was wanting to charge everyone, including her new inlaws, for Christmas lunch. It was a long-running thread which I look back on with much affection.

horsetowater Fri 27-Dec-13 00:28:29

Pedant that reminds me when db's new partner decided we should all do a 'secret santa' type lotto thing and pulled names out of a hat to see who buys what for whom. The idea was to 'save time' and make sure we all get something we 'really want'. Never worked. Give me a pile of useless tat any day over one agonizingly planned and thought out but slightly wrong expensive present.

Christmas is about ritual not practical. And it really should never be about money and cost. That's the part we don't want to know about or talk about.

Snowdown Fri 27-Dec-13 00:42:43

I thought the Ops mum had passed away and now the daughters take turns hosting Christmas for their Dad/sibling.

Mellowandfruitful Fri 27-Dec-13 01:01:14

Mintyy I remember that one! <thread nostalgia> I think we need a Christmas Classics section (or a Christmas section within Classics?) for that sort of thing. I'd enjoy browsing it this time of year.

AlaskaNebraska Fri 27-Dec-13 01:12:01

In just lolling at the op earnestly putting d in front of every family member. You can just say "dad"

MrsLouisTheroux Fri 27-Dec-13 01:27:25

I would love to see the itemised bill. £16 p head including DC. Plus extra for drink? Did she buy a new dining room table for you all to sit at?

NearTheWindmill Fri 27-Dec-13 07:54:34

Just working out what I spent on Xmas dinner:

Turkey £34, Stuffing £5, pigs £5, cranberry £2, sprouts £1.50, green beans, £3, parsnips £1 spuds £1.25, bread sauce £1.50 (home-made), sage £1, 1 onion 35p, sherrry for gravy £1.50, Christmas Pud £6, nice creams £5, luxury chocolate log £10. That comes to £77.10 - add crackers £10, jolly cloth and napkins another £7.50 ish £95.50 add two good bottles of wine and that takes it to £117.50 - oh and £1.50 for the brandy to flame the pudding and that's £119.00. As there were six of us that worked at just under £20.00 per head. Although I reckon we could easily have served another four.

But we got another dinner for six off the same turkey yesterday with roasties and salads and pickle and will be having turkey and ham pie today.

I thought her £16 was a lot but quite interesting to cost it like that and I wouldn't have said what I bought was over the top but she was still very wrong.

PedantMarina Tue 14-Jan-14 10:37:41

Now that the dust has settled and ]almost everybody's] deccies are down, does OP want to de-brief? How did it all go? Any fall-out? Etc.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues Tue 14-Jan-14 10:41:04

nooo I missed this thread, what a cracker....

OP putting up and shutting up so as not to ruin the day is only enabling this sort of outrageous behaviour, you are not doing anyone any favours and I would have not put up with it and said something. I know its long gone and you wont care but I had to comment...

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 14-Jan-14 14:38:33

Well, not just the thread you missed WillBeat grin

OP didn't go to the dinner with her sis so didn't pay anything.

Their dad went and got charged the £16!!!

whiteblossom Tue 14-Jan-14 16:33:36

Oh yes op any update, Im shocked she charged her own dad for a dinner...at Christmas!!

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