Horrible dilemma with bitchy friend.

(38 Posts)

I know there's a current thread about cutting horrible people out of your life but I just wondered whether I'm doing the right thing in this case?

I have 2 very close friends, friend A I have known for 8 years and friend B I have known for 6 years. They have also known each other (through me) for the past 2 years, and now see each other daily as their DCs have started at the same school (mine attend a different school). Friend A came round the other day and told me that friend B was being extremely unpleasant about me. She has been criticising lots of things I am doing in my life, how I'm bringing my children up, what I'm buying my children for Christmas, how she doesn't approve of the new job I'm due to start in the new year etc. Not just a gossipy kind of opinion-sharing, but actually getting worked up over it, saying what a bad person I am, to the point that she said she wants nothing more to do with me apart from 'essentials' (I'm guessing that means if we bump into each other when out).

I was shocked and upset but figured she's entitled to her opinion and I would just stay away from her and not bother to text/phone her again.

The strange part is that her behaviour towards me hasn't changed in the slightest! She is still texting me asking how the kids are, what I'm up to etc. She is still inviting me on social occasions and is still telling me things about her and her family, just like normal. I have been declining invitations and not replying to texts, but now friend B has been complaining to people that I'm being funny with her when she's done nothing wrong. I desperately want to confront her but I don't want to drop friend A in it, cos she's got to see friend B at school every day for the next few years.

I know for a fact that what she has said is true, as I have seen screen shots off friend A's phone showing the nasty texts about me. Friend A has tried to get friend B to be nice and talk to me about any issues she might have with me but she doesn't want to. I think she just enjoys the nasty bitching rants, and is extremely jealous as she's got a few family/money problems atm.

Should I just leave it and accept that I'm going to look like I've just randomly cut off my friend or drop my other friend in it by confronting her?


lucidlady Wed 18-Dec-13 16:51:56

Are you absolutely sure A is not making this up?

Pagwatch Wed 18-Dec-13 16:54:29

You can't cut out B when you have no idea if any of this is true, surely?

Speak to B

I'm positive. I've seen the text conversations. Also, the things A told me could only have come from B (events/conversations that happened when only B and I were together).

monicalewinski Wed 18-Dec-13 16:57:39

You need to speak to B.

Doesn't need to be dramatic and you don't need to 'drop anyone in it', just ask her outright.

I wold confront her. Surely A doens't want to keep her as a friend after this, so "dropping her in it" isn't an issue? B is being incredibly two-faced, keeping up normal contact with you, and complaining that you're being off!

Pancakeflipper Wed 18-Dec-13 16:59:17

You need to speak to B.
You might want to tell A that you are going to speak to B.
But you will end up avoiding each other with a lot of things unsaid simmering under the surface unless you say to B we need to talk. It might not end well but you might get some answers and at least you will know you tried to sort it.

MrsArthurWellesley Wed 18-Dec-13 16:59:53

Then ask B. "Are we ok because A says x y z". If its true she's being two faced and you can do without her; if A's busy stirring you know what to do as well.

LemonDough Wed 18-Dec-13 17:00:55

I'm always a bit suspicious of the motivations behind a friend telling you that another friend was bitching about you behind your back. Why would someone do that? Do you think friend A wanted to upset you?

Their children are friends, they help each other out with childcare etc. I think she wants to remain on good terms with B, but is obviously going to be wary about trusting her after seeing how two-faced she can be.

Cabrinha Wed 18-Dec-13 17:01:08

Hmmmm. It's takes 2 to have a text conversation though. Is all Friend A saying is "mmmmm, I know" <Sybil>?

I bitched about someone in a circle of friends once, and Friend A in my case said "I don't like that, bitching behind backs, and don't want to hear it". I'm still friends with Friend A, friend B was a cow to us both in the end. But I have SO much respect for Friend A for saying she wouldn't listen to it.

Think you need to lose them both, tbh. Friend A should have told Friend B to shut up long ago.

MollyWhuppie Wed 18-Dec-13 17:02:16

I would wonder what friend A was trying to achieve by telling you?

gobbynorthernbird Wed 18-Dec-13 17:03:01

I could mock up a text conversation in 2 mins. Change the 'contact' name in my phone from Work to B and text myself.
It's possible that B is a bitch, but she isn't acting like one toward you. And in the meantime A is stirring.

I don't think friend A wanted to upset me. She has no reason to want to cause trouble. She is a nice person and doesn't get involved with gossip and drama. She just didn't want to see me carrying on doing nice things for B, telling her private things, inviting her into my home etc when I wasn't fully aware of what she was doing behind my back.

I think you're right and I do need to say something, otherwise all our other mutual friends will think I'm being incredibly mean by giving her the cold shoulder for no reason. It's going to be really tricky to do without making it obvious that A has told me everything. Like I said, she hasn't changed her behaviour with me in the slightest, so I can't even make something up like "you've been really funny with me lately...."

RubyRR Wed 18-Dec-13 17:06:36

There are also apps and websites to make fake phone conversations

She isn't being passive Cabrinha. She is replying saying B should speak to me and try and sort out her issues. I don't think she is actively telling her to STFU though like your friend A did. Maybe she should stand up for me more? We've been best friends for years whereas she's only really got close to B since September.

I suppose she could have faked the conversations. She would have had to put a lot of effort into it though. B's texts are written exactly in B's usual way with spelling mistakes, full stops instead of spaces, phrases only she uses etc.

I honestly think it's genuine.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 18-Dec-13 17:14:41

It's never a good idea to take someone word for it that someone else is bitching about you.

Why is A telling you this?

Why is she showing you messages?

Her behaviour is really weird here.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Wed 18-Dec-13 17:14:57

It's really easy to mock up a text conversation. Really, really easy. And it would be perfectly possible for B to have told A about events/conversations but for A to have made up exactly what B told A about them. Obviously, it's also perfectly possible that B genuinely did send the texts and that A is telling the complete truth about everything, but you do NOT "know for a fact" that what A has said is true.

Also, if B had been bitching to A about you, wouldn't A have said "Look, I don't want to hear any of this about oneplusone"? Why would B still be sending A texts about you if she weren't getting any encouragement?

You need to talk to B.

Hissy Wed 18-Dec-13 17:15:05

Ahh.. You see what you got there OP?

You got yourself a Wendy, in time for christmas too.

Tackle her head on.

She is aiming for your friend by the looks of it.

why not let slip that you deleted the messages B sent to you about her, after telling her not to be such a cow, which is why she has clearly started on you <whistles>

YouTheCat Wed 18-Dec-13 17:18:02

Are they 12? hmm

Drop both of them. Friend B is clearly a cow for the spiteful texts you have seen. And friend A is a cow for showing them to you and telling all when she could have kept her mouth shut and you could have carried on in blissful ignorance.

Ehat on earth is your job, that she disapproves?

If a friend was continually bitchjng about me I'd want to know. Not every time someone says anything slightly less than complimentary but certaknly if its an ongoing thing. Can you imagine if the op eventaully found out and a had known all along? Mners would be baying for her blood.

Nataleejah Wed 18-Dec-13 17:38:09

Is it possible to be friends with both, but not to bring them together? I have some friends who are such nice people, but only one by one. If they get together, there's a catfight, and there is no way to get them act civilized, unless separate.

Nataleejah - They're not fighting and I'm not bringing them together. They see each other twice a day at school.

CranberrySaucyJack Wed 18-Dec-13 17:42:21

I don't see why Friend A is the one getting it in the neck- other than a classic case of shooting the messenger hmm

She's done the right thing IMO. I'd wanna know what Friend B really thought if I were the OP.

Jux Wed 18-Dec-13 17:44:02

Invite her out for a coffee, and then say you've heard she is saying x y and z and you'd like to know why.

captainBeaky Wed 18-Dec-13 17:48:12

Oh come on, please. Surely A isn't spending time sending fake messages to her phone! B is being a bitch and has chosen the wrong person (A) to share opinions with. A has got your interests at heart but needs to stand up to B and not listen to it.
I would tell A that I am confronting B. Or get them both round for coffee and bring it up. I bet B will squirm!
Good luck OP. A is not a cow for showing you. She just needs to grow a stronger backbone.

sykadelic15 Wed 18-Dec-13 18:21:27

Many moons ago when I was young and ... innocent I went on a camp with a group I was in. The previous years camp was wonderful, no reason to think this one wouldn't be as well.

Well at this camp there was a new girl that my friends didn't like (she was from their hometown and I lived several hours away) but I had no problem with her, so being the nice person I am, I shared a room with her. She'd bitch and moan about the other girls and I'd just shrug it off. We didn't exactly hang out, but I wasn't a cow to her either.

Camp went good as far as I was aware... WRONG. Turns out as soon as they got home, the bitching girl I was being nice to told all my friends that I had been saying all these horrible things about them, all the things she'd said about them. They were horrible to me (back then mobile phones were still new but I got harassing texts, emails, calls etc) and I stopped going to that particular group... I thought they were my friends. They contacted me once months later saying "we're over it, never mention it again" but I couldn't get over it. I sunk into a deep depression over it.

I now wish I'd told them what she'd been saying about them, rather than trying not to rock the boat. I wish I'd at least warned them that she didn't like them either but that I wasn't paying attention to it, or something like that. I didn't realise she'd try saying I had said those things. More fool me.


So I think friend A is being smart, making sure you don't hear this from anyone and think she was involved or blame her.

I suggest you talk to friend A about it and tell her that you're going to speak to friend B. Friend B will probably feel bad and ganged-up on. Probably trying to become a closer friend to friend A by alienating her from you but it backfired. If I were A though, I wouldn't want to deal with such a back-stabber either.

Thanks Captain smile

I like the idea of bringing it up when both of them are round for a coffee. I could just start mentioning the things B's been bitching about and ask her what she thinks about them. I've spent a lot of time with her over the years so I'm pretty sure I'll be able to tell if she's lying.

I agree that A was only doing what she thought best, which is why I don't want to just directly confront B as it could mean things are very difficult for A over the next few years.

The bottom line is, if B really, truly thinks these things about me, then I no longer want her as a friend. It's not just 'oh oneplus has gained a few lbs' kind of stuff, it's really nasty, personal stuff. I don't need people like that in my life. I would be absolutely gutted to fall out with A over this as we go back a long way and our families are very close and involved.

Vikki88 Wed 18-Dec-13 18:27:59

I'd confront Friend B about is as soon as possible because otherwise you're just going to stew over it for a long time. If she has been saying these judgemental things then I'm guessing you won't want anything to do with her either, including "essentials".

Syka what a nightmare! The friend B in your case double-crossed both you and the other girls. She sounds very nasty indeed.

I think my friend B has found it hard watching me progress in my career and being happy in my relationship. She has had a few tough years (caused by her own poor choices), which I've spent hours supporting her through and mopping up tears, looking after her kids, helping her with various things. I think it's all got a bit much with the financial pressures of Christmas and she's finally cracked and spewed out at A what's been building up inside her for a good few months.


Financeprincess Wed 18-Dec-13 18:57:18

Friend B is two faced and friend A is a shit stirrer.

I don't think she's shit-stirring. She certainly didn't appear to be enjoying telling me. What about if it was my DH cheating on me, and she found out? I'd hope she'd tell me about that as well. It's not like she's passing on some rumour. It's first-hand information. She hasn't got form for this kind of behaviour, whereas friend B has quite a few 'ex-friends'.

WaitingForPeterWimsey Wed 18-Dec-13 19:24:36

Friend A could have hinted quite broadly eg B is quite jealous of you, troubled, oh btw she said she doesn't agree with x you did. She didn't need to tell you in technicolor detail - I do think her behaviour is quite odd!!

Friend B sounds quite troubled to me. Maybe she genuinely likes you but in her down times feels very jealous of you so picks holes in things you have done/are doing to make herself feel better. Not very nice at all, but she could still care for you in some ways and be mean like this.

I would back off from both of them.

HollaAtMeBaby Wed 18-Dec-13 22:24:36

Why did Friend A show you screenshots of the texts and not the actual texts?

Nerfmother Wed 18-Dec-13 22:39:45

I don't know. In your position, if I was not suffering harm at B's hands and was still going out etc I just wouldn't want to know. We all bitch about other people/ judge them/ think uncharitable thoughts etc to a degree. I've always said I don't care and if you're pissed off if rather it was behind my back!

MollyWhuppie Wed 18-Dec-13 22:43:39

If I was friend A, I would have told friend B I didn't want to hear her nastiness and would have stuck up for you and made it clear where my allegiances lie. Then I would back away from friend B as much as poss and limit contact to 'hellos' at the school gate. I'm not sure I would tell you all the nasty stuff in detail - what's the point?

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