to feel like a shit mum because

(47 Posts)

I keep snapping at DS? blush

I had all the patience in the world when he was a difficult baby but now he's just turned 3 and well aware when he's misbehaving I keep losing my cool. Especially as I'm housebound with a sprained ankle (am an lone parent) this week and he's driving me up the wall. It gets easier doesn't it? This is just a difficult age isn't it? He was such an easy going toddler for a year and a bit.

It's lovely a lot of the time and I have lots of strategies to use etc but I just see red sometimes <lousyparentemoticon>

I tell him I love him daily, we hug and do a lot together but it just gets so intense sometimes, especially when I'm stuck in with this V.painful foot.

excuse the off grammar....we're not sleeping very well as he has his millionth cold of the winter fhmm

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 13:23:47

It's because you're stuck in the house. My toddler turns into a demon unless we get out of the house daily. Much sympathy, you're not a shit mum.

I can't tell if he's suddenly gotten worse or if it's because he's just bored and winding me up because it's something to do fhmm fgrin

He normally goes to nursery 3 days a week then we go out all the other days but we've been indoors for 3 days now...

Yes it gets easier, then harder, then easier...DS goes in phases with his behaviour and sometimes I just want to put him in the bin. Iirc 2 3/4 to 3 was hard, then we had a horrible phase last spring at 4 3/4. I have felt like the worst parent in the world, like I was totally failing. I have shouted, screamed, cried and even smacked. To see him now you would not believe it. And I'm sure we will be there again! Parenting, especially alone, is hard.

quesadilla Wed 18-Dec-13 13:30:58

I'm with you on that. I am finding nearly 3 to be a hundred times more difficult that the so-called "terrible twos."

Worse at this age, IMO because they know how to yank your chain and deliberately set out to do it as opposed to just being.

I am dying for a few hours to keep my foot up/ice it without having to keep limping around on it to do things/keep on top of the housework (i'm doing the bare minimum but even that is pretty hard work with this bloody golf ball ankle). And he's just dropped his remaining nap so is grouchy as hell in the afternoon. I just feel like lying down and tantrumming with him atm!

Same here quesadilla

I wondered what the terrible twos was all about until recently. Serves me right! grin

I swear most of the mum's from DS's nursery are more 'on top of it' than me though. Although maybe they're improvising half the time too!

darjeelingdarling Wed 18-Dec-13 13:41:59

I think the fact you are worrying about being a shit mum under all those circumstances proves you aren't. big hugs wine brew thanks wine wine wine wine wine

Thank you. I just can't tell sometimes. He's so much better if we've been for a walk/to the park/town but it's just not an option. His dad is having him for 1 night this saturday so I'll get a break then at least. I worry that he's getting older now and don't want him to think of me as 'the shouty mum' etc.

fifi669 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:51:27

My DS has just turned 3 and drives me mental. I think without DP to take over I would be in a loony bin. You're not alone! There's loads of us pulling out our hair over our toddlers

BrainLikeASeive Wed 18-Dec-13 13:52:34

Yup. Thinking 'I could do better' means you're doing just fine.

My nearly-3 twins are a funking nightmare!
No nursery and an 8 month old baby make for fun fun fun.
No close relatives and no way of getting out...
Cos the little buggers run off in different directions.

I yell more than id like but have discovered the Orange Rhino. Check her out.

kelper Wed 18-Dec-13 13:55:01

the orchard keeper what you don't see is the other mums at nursery struggling of an evening/weekend ;)
I reckon it's because you've been indoors for 3 days. Do you have a garden?mcan you let him out to roar around for a bit? Hugs to you, it's horrible when they're being toads and you get stressed at the littlest thing. Mine is nearly 6 and still behaves like a toddler occasionally :-/

BrainLikeASeive Wed 18-Dec-13 13:55:08

Dont let other mums fool you. Everyone looks cool, calm & happy but I bet you theyre depending on wine o clock like the rest of us

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 13:56:16

Where are you OP? If you are near me I could help you with nursery drop off/pick up if it helps you get some peace rest?

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 13:56:46

Sorry, just to clarify I'm not a nutter, I've just been where you are and it sucks.

neunundneunzigluftballons Wed 18-Dec-13 13:58:11

Generally my experience of Mumsnet is that it is not a breeding ground for shit mums. I realise this is quite a sweeping statement but I think you find that women on here are looking for ways that they can parent better. The shit parents don't bother considering that snapping might not be the best strategy and looking for help from others to find a better way. In summary you are not a shit parent and 3 year olds can be really annoying grin hopefully someone will have some answers gor dealing with him.

gimcrack Wed 18-Dec-13 14:08:01

Sometimes kids go through stages of being really annoying. The key moment is when you realise that this is happening, and your method of correcting the behaviour isn't working. In my case it was my DS not doing as he was told, and me yelling. Adopting either a warning then punishment (taking away favourite toy for a set period or no telly), or naughty step. And stickers for doing what I wanted, such as getting ready promptly.

You then have a happy few months before a new annoying behaviour trait kicks in...

Thank you for the replies. Am feeling a little less rubbish after posting.

(I'm in west berkshire).

I have a BF of 1yr (not DS's dad) who does help when he's here but we don't live together and he works funny hours so can't help with nursery drop off/pick up IYSWIM. It's been a rough few months anyway (was in hospital a month or so ago) and am just trying to get back on me feet. But my foot gave in grin fhmm

And MN has given me a few tips before (like locking myself away for five minutes or leaving the room to do something else when DS is playing up). I don't know how I managed before I found it!

(And hope I don't sound really self-pitying. I'm in awe of anyone with more than one toddler tbh! I only have the one and that's stressful enough...especially as he's a runaway with no fear of anything other than bedtime )

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Wed 18-Dec-13 15:02:37

We had the terrible three's with dd (rather than the two's) Orchard.
Sorry to hear about your sprained ankle too, and not being able to get out.
I always hated being stuck in with the DC for a whole day - both they and I really need to get out somewhere. I can just about do a staying in day now that they're teenagers and don't get up til mid-day anyway fsmile

darjeelingdarling Wed 18-Dec-13 15:03:56

a good friend said she likes another mum a lot as she's one of the few that admit in their area that she's like a duck paddling furiously under the water. not many mums admit to that.

I also know that my friend is dealing with an extremely ill dh with bipolar who isn't able to recognise that he is also abusive (ea), hiding behind his illness. (his phych confirmed this to her - that he's ea behaviour was not his illness). her daughter has a physical disability too and so lots of hospital appts etc. people say to her that she is ALWAYS so happy and breezy. none of them know about her dh, who is a 'professional'. my friend says it's the only way she can cope - being happy around others is her only enjoyment, aside her lovely children.

all I mean is that what we see in others is not always the whole truth thanks

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 15:45:16

hmm I'm in Northamptonshire so can't realistically help I'm afraid.

Gangie Wed 18-Dec-13 15:50:15

Thinking the same this week. I have pnd so getting out is very important but the weather has been so rubbish we can't even go for a walk and My oh is working 8-8 so gone before we get up and not home till nearly 9pm shock we live in the country so have no one near to call too. It's very difficult!! I have 3yr old & 10mth old and feel like a crap mother for getting stressed.

D0G Wed 18-Dec-13 16:07:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I could have written your post OP, I have a 3 yr old DS and a 6 month DS and it's so tiring. I often feel the worst shouty mum ever even though We do lots of fun things I only remember the moments he pushes me to snap or (like today) we are glued to the Disney movies channel all day (DS2 is ill and not feeding so I am having to syringe feed 10ml at a time which limits our activities somewhat! )

I agree that getting outdoors makes a difference, or setting an objective of one task to achieve per day even if only one lot of laundry, one set of baking, one session of story telling, one new game etc.

Home made pizza for supper and a walk to the library earlier, those were today's tasks. Trying to get DS2 to take some milk - that's the other one. Not so good........

I do agree with pp that if you're questioning yourself you probably are doing a good job - we are all too hard on ourselves. Good enough mum is good enough - no one is perfect!

Glad it's not just DS that's had a belated terrible twos!

And I love that analogy Darjeeling' . That's how I feel all the time. Sorry to hear about your friend. Sounds so stressfull.

DS was born with clubfoot and wears a brace nightly but keeps taking it off without me realizing and i'm scared as hell that he'll relapse. I keep checking everytime I wake up to pee etc but he still misses the odd night of brace-wearing here and there. I'd feel guilty as hell if he had to have another tendenectomy etc. And the appointments are in southamptpon which is 2 trains and a bus away from where I am but nevermind.

I usually juggle it all much better really.

And thank you for the offer anyway night thanks

He goes to his dad's for one night a fortnight.

LucilleBluth Wed 18-Dec-13 18:14:24

I just started a thread in chat about my demon 3yo. 3 is turning out to be hard work, chin up OP.

Hope it gets easier for you Lucille'

This parenting lark is a little bumpy in places!

darjeelingdarling Fri 20-Dec-13 19:34:12

oh orchard big hugs. even the best juggler drops their balls sometimes! try not to be so hard on yourself - you are literally doing your very best, on your own, and all we can do as mums is be good enough - not perfect, though I suspect you probably are!grin

Andrewofgg Fri 20-Dec-13 20:11:23

Three does rejoin the human species, soon, I promise you. Teen takes longer, you have been warned.

loveolives Fri 20-Dec-13 20:12:40

I have a 3 year old boy and I completely understand and empathise with what you are going through.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Fri 20-Dec-13 20:15:30

HaHa Andrew - mine are just coming into early teens (I may not be laughing for long!)

Thanks for the replies. My foot is much better but we now have stonking colds. His dad returned him after a few hours earlier (instead of overnight) saying he was too ill to have hmm

What does he think I bloody do when he's ill? Pass him off to someone else...oh wait, there is no one else...and he's my responsibility anyway so I wouldn't (if it was the other way around).

PeriodFeatures Sat 21-Dec-13 19:37:58

Its hard isnt it? having loads to do and no help and a little person with bags of needs. I've been stressed to hell today and felt on the end of tether at times with DD. I feel really guilty, like i should be more tolerant. I'm not snappy, just gritting teeth. I think it's the need of a break. But hey. It's fricking wine o clock brain!

wine amen!

darjeelingdarling Mon 23-Dec-13 20:18:39

hey op - hope you're feeling better?

saw this and thought of you! wine wine

darjeelingdarling Mon 23-Dec-13 20:18:58
ProjectGainsborough Mon 23-Dec-13 20:28:16

Been there, feel your pain. Just remember, one day they go to school

For six hours a day!

Thank you.

Feeling a bit better. I re-read a very good parenting book I'd stashed away and have ben trying to make sure I praise a little more and always follow through on discipline etc which has made things a little easier. He's lovely natured a lot of the time. Just very lively and defiant for the sake of it sometimes (like all toddler though!) and I'd gotten a bit lax out of tiredness/crappiness which made the hard bits worse.

Hope you've all had a good christmas! wine

That link is brilliant by the way. Thank you!!

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Fri 27-Dec-13 10:00:45

Sounds good Orchard, good luck in 2014 fsmile

- Remember they are only 3 for a year. And they are still very small people much as they'd like to convince you otherwise!

glammanana Fri 27-Dec-13 11:22:38

So glad to read things are a wee bit easier for you Orchard,your little man must have been missing his Nursery Class and been all super excited about Christmas with the run up to it so being indoors for a few days would not help his energy levels at all and everything looks 10 times worse when we are unwell ourselves,I can remember one year when my OH was away on a posting over Christmas when myself and the 3DCs all came down with flu and every other complaint you could think off and we where all snuggled into a double bed for 6 days until my mum could arrive and rescue me but it passes and you forget about it. take care and don't stress.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Fri 27-Dec-13 12:14:20

I felt like that when DS was 3. And 4. It's getting better now he's 5!

I wish I had been more consistent from the start about things like hitting. I kept thinking he'd grow out of it and trying to deal with the anger, I didn't think about trying to deal with both.

ilovecolinfirth Fri 27-Dec-13 15:35:47

I used to look enviously at people with their 'perfect' children whilst my tiny tear away tested my patience at every opportunity. And then it changed. I don't know when, but now as a 4 year old I ADORE his company so much! It won't last, he'll go through other awkward stages but what I'm saying is it doesn't last forever. Be firm with him, set your expectations, but sometimes selectively ignore his behaviour. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

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