To not want people to know we met online

(121 Posts)
Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:04:02

I have never been ashamed about anything in my life or anything about me until I met my partner online. Even with people who openly have told me they met their partner online I just cannot admit that's where I met my partner and I end up lying that we met at work as we work with partner companies but I don't elaborate. When out with my partner he says the truth and is my embarrassed at all. Obviously I have to tell the truth to our friend as my partner has told them it's just people who will never meet and also my family. I just find it terribly embarrassing as I would think bad of a girl who was looking for love online. It screams desperation and loneliness and that you can't find anyone else normally. For me I had plenty of men who like led me I just moved to a new city and did online dating as I knew no one. It is normal that I don't like to admit how we met?

TweaselsDrankMyGluhwein Wed 18-Dec-13 13:07:20

No it's not normal and it's possibly offensive to the thousands of others on here who met their partners online.

I think in today's society online dating is as valid and as common as other methods.

rallytog1 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:08:38

It's so normal to meet your partner online these days. I met my DH online 8 years ago. We've been married for 6 years and had our first dc this year. Among my friendship group, we are not unusual. We've got several other couple friends who met online and are now married etc.

There's no stigma in it any more. When people ask how we met I sometimes feign a bit of shame, but without exception people say it's great and are really fascinated about how these things work. Either that or they say that they met their partner in the same way too.

There is honestly nothing to be ashamed of!

UsedToBeNDP Wed 18-Dec-13 13:08:56

Lots of normal couples meet online these days. Not just sextrolls

whereisshe Wed 18-Dec-13 13:13:27

It's normal, why would it be a problem for people to know about it. Anyway, being that worried about what people think isn't great for your state of mind - ultimately their opinions don't matter if you're happy.

Yabu. I met dp online. We did wonder if we should tell people. All my friends knew I was online dating but his didn't. We have been honest and nobody has batted an eye lid.
Most people online date because they work long hours, live away from where they grew up and know people, to expand their social circle. A million reasons I'm sure.
There is absolutely no shame in it.
I've met someone I really like, who makes me happy and who I get on well with. How we met is neither relevant or shameful.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 18-Dec-13 13:16:34

I have five friends who are couples that met online and are now married! Whether through online dating or Internet forum meet ups. It's a normal thing now.

billyokey Wed 18-Dec-13 13:17:45

its very normal and I think (or thought!) it is becoming a lot less stigmatised. I met my partner online, I was 21 and definitely not lonely or desperate!! signed up to the website as a bit of a laugh with some girlfriends, actually went on a date and met my man. maybe this is more about your own insecurities... maybe you feel a little desperate and lonely not knowing anyone in your new town?

5Foot5 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:18:09

YABU. Years ago - before online dating - my widowed mother went through a lonely hearts column in a local paper and met the man who has been her partner for nearly 20 years now. I admired her courage at the time and I still think it was one of the best decisions she made.

My widowed sister is also now using online sites to meet people and I think it is an excellent idea. I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid these days if you told them

UsedToBeNDP Wed 18-Dec-13 13:20:08

online dating has become so popular because it allows people to sort the wheat from the chaff a bit earlier on that in traditional dating (say in a bar/nightclub situation). You can filter by interests/hobbies, age, career type, kids/no kids etc. seems eminently sensible to me and a bit safer than getting plastered choosing prospective man friends through beer goggles in a darkened room.

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 13:20:41

YABU, online dating is normal now. I now quite a few couples who met online (though dating sites as well as just mutual interest sites). It's not embarrassing. You say you would look down on someone who went looking online? Why?

Icelollycraving Wed 18-Dec-13 13:21:41

Yabu. I met my dh online. It's a very normal way these days to find someone once you sort the wheat from the chaff.

It's pretty ridiculous that you think badly of women who online date yet you did it!

iamamug Wed 18-Dec-13 13:23:47

I met my husband through the personal column of the local paper over 20 years ago - I can assure you I was far from desperate and it was the best thing I ever did. All my single friends now use online dating. Nothing strange about it at all.
It says more about you that you are ashamed of it - trust me no-one else will give a rats arse!

KhunZhoop Wed 18-Dec-13 13:24:09

I met my partner online seven years ago, and we're now married.

You need to get over this thinking, as it's really stupid. If you're ashamed of how you met, some people will assume it's because you're ashamed of your partner.

liquidstate Wed 18-Dec-13 13:24:31

YABU

I met my husband at a speed dating event. It was mentioned during DHs wedding speech, he even produced my notes card from the night and read my comments about him. ('Famer, glasses, handsome' if you must know!)

A lot of people I know met online and have since married. Nothing to be ashamed of.

KhunZhoop Wed 18-Dec-13 13:25:33

Also, get off the high horse with the "it was okay for me, but all you other bitches who did it, well, look how crap and desperate you are" stuff. You sound a real treat.

ElizabethBathory Wed 18-Dec-13 13:27:31

YABU. Every single one of my single friends does online dating. I know loads of couples who met online. It's completely normal now and it would be ridiculous to lie about it, especially since your DP is telling the truth. You really shouldn't be ashamed of yourself OP.

I recently met up with a friend and his new DP, who he met online, and they did seem really funny about 'admitting' how they met. They made up this funny, improbable story, and then said no, only joking, we met online. Tbh it was just awkward and they seemed slightly ashamed, when really no one cares how couples met and a big deal does not need to made of it.

Joysmum Wed 18-Dec-13 13:28:48

As much as anyone can be politically correct and say the right things, it may be more common now but there are those who do online (or any other dating organisations, lonely hearts ads etc) dating as a bit tragic.

The fact that we all KNOW this to be the case and are defending it show there's still stigma attached to it. It takes time to change perception and perceptions haven't changed quite enough just yet for it not to be an issue.

As much as I disagree with the stigma that clearly still exists arounds this, pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it a reality. So you need to try and get a bit off perspective on it. There will be prejudiced arseholes out there but the people who matter won't care as they will know and love you and be thankful that you've been lucky to find love, no matter how that was. Does what the arseholes think really matter that much to you?

Joysmum Wed 18-Dec-13 13:30:09

* those who THINK those that do online*

ElleMcFearsome Wed 18-Dec-13 13:30:52

I met my DH online, and even worse - in an online computer game (World of Warcraft) grin I was just always brazen about if and if anyone was hmm about it they didn't say anything to me!

Also, the more people that are open about meeting online, the less stigma there is.

DolomitesDonkey Wed 18-Dec-13 13:32:01

The person who married us told us more than 50% of her couples met online. smile

KhunZhoop Wed 18-Dec-13 13:33:49

Who's pretending the stigma doesn't exist? However, pandering to the stigma isn't going to get rid of it, now, is it? Years ago, being gay was a stigma, now it's less so because people are a) more willing to talk about it and b) are actually proud of it.

Seven years ago, there was a LOT of stigma about online dating, now it's increasingly the only people can meet with other people in their area. Why start your relationship off with a lie though? That cannot be healthy.

ElizabethBathory Wed 18-Dec-13 13:35:21

Meeting your DH in World of Warcraft is a great 'how we met' story Elle!!

I met a real life friend through Gumtree - she'd just moved to the area and put an ad up for friends, and I thought she sounded really nice. And she is! DH took the piss hmm

Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:36:09

I met my partner online but through a forum not a dating site. I couldn't be bothered with setting up a full profile or paying for a dating site. He is a lovely guy so I'm not ashamed of him at all. I was lonely in the new town and I was looking for someone as I was sick of being asked out by men who weren't my type. So maybe because I was lonely I presume everyone on there is the same. I do know people who met online through a proper dating site and I do think less of them for bothering to pay and set up a dating profile. I guess it just seems desperate to go to the lengths to do it but actually it doesn't take long to set one up. I know a few people who have made snide remarks about those that met online, my dad says its unnatural and for desperate people so that's why I haven't told anyone. I don't have low self esteem, I have no problem with anything else in my life. Just this. Just being aware that ppl know how we met makes me cringe. I wish we had met in a normal way :-(

Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:38:08

And while people tell me it's normal it's usually only ppl who did meet their partner online that say that. I want to get over this so that I can start being truthful with ease. We have a beautiful newborn son and have been together since I was 23 so hardly like we don't get on!

ElleMcFearsome Wed 18-Dec-13 13:43:53

Most of my friends who are single and don't really want to be are on one site or another! (Not to mention the ones who talked about starting gaming after realising what a sweetheart my DH is!)

It seems sensible - you want to meet someone and are too old to bar/club hop (or just bored of it), colleagues are either inappropriate or don't do it for you and you're sick of friends setting you up. You set the parameters and off you go. I really don't get why, at a point in time where a lot of socialising and connecting takes place online it's anything to be ashamed of.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Wed 18-Dec-13 13:45:07

I think meeting online is pretty normal these days, and I didn't meet DH online. Lying about how you met is a bit weird, though, and I'd think less of someone for doing that.

Lemonylemon Wed 18-Dec-13 13:46:18

Just tell them you met through a club you both belonged to.

I used to say I bought my OH from Ebay.

PhantomMenace Wed 18-Dec-13 13:46:34

I met my now DH on an online game called Second Life, he moved from Holland to be with me and I can honestly say I have never been happier we have been together for almost 5 years now. All my family and friends know how we met, however I do still feel a bit shamey ( I don't think that's a word) if a stranger asks how we got together.
The only reasoning I have for it is that it was seen as a bit pathetic in my friendship group when I was younger. It is far more common now and barely anyone bats an eyelid when I do tell them.

It sounds like you have absorbed your dad's ideas - I don't suppose he knows anything at all about online dating so he is speaking out of ignorance and you can safely ignore his opinions on this subject. It sounds like he is parroting media reports from the early 1990s (two decades ago) when meeting people on the internet was a New Thing.

You did meet in a normal way. More than 1 in 3 American marriages start online and they appear to be happier and longer-lasting than more conventional relationships.

It is a non-issue, and you need to learn to see it that way. Otherwise your DP might start to feel that you are ashamed of him and not just the way you met - and that could be toxic for your relationship.

It's very normal now. I know two happily married couples who met online. No shame in it

Thants Wed 18-Dec-13 13:48:32

I would find that embarrassing too! But if you are gonna do online dating then you gots to learn to be proud wink

ElizabethBathory Wed 18-Dec-13 13:51:05

OP, for the record, I didn't meet my DH online and I think it's normal - same goes for many others on this thread I imagine.

We met before internet dating was really a thing, but we'd both have done it if we didn't - it's an efficient way of meeting lots of people rather than having to settle for whoever lives/works in your immediate vicinity!

neunundneunzigluftballons Wed 18-Dec-13 13:53:13

Personally I think it ranks ever higher than 'I got totally plastered one night and snogged the face off my now hubby in a bar before the bouncers threw me out for lewd behaviour.' Was that not the common meeting of minds before online dating?

aquashiv Wed 18-Dec-13 13:54:38

If you follow that chain of thought then Op posting big life questions questions on a forum of people you do not know and do not know you is also odd is it not?
Its normal.

ViviPru Wed 18-Dec-13 13:58:02

YABU. REALLY U.

I would think bad of a girl who was looking for love online
It screams desperation and loneliness and that you can't find anyone else normally
I do know people who met online through a proper dating site and I do think less of them
how we met makes me cringe

You should be more embarrassed by your outdated, prejudiced and downright rude views than how you met your partner hmm

Gwlondon Wed 18-Dec-13 14:00:54

Your dad needs to get with the times! My friend met her partner on the guardian website. What is wrong with that? Nothing! They met through an organisation that fitted with their outlook in things. (Both creative types). I think there are so many different types of on line dating that you just cannot judge anyone unless they tell you more. There is a website for Asian people to meet other Asian people. So it fits what they need. Don't be ashamed. There is no need. You were lonely but that is nothing to be ashamed of. Loneliness is very sad and you did something about it and got a great result.

Gwlondon Wed 18-Dec-13 14:05:14

Also no one knows you were lonely. All they know is you went on line. They don't know how you felt then. In exactly the same way you don't know who was lonely when they went on line, they might just want even more company!

KhunZhoop Wed 18-Dec-13 14:05:20

I didn't meet my partner doing online dating either. We met through a forum too. I've been to approximately eight weddings of other people who met through forums and/or online dating as well. The fact that I met my partner through a forum we were both moderating doesn't make me a better person than the people who met doing online dating.

Seriously, have a frigging word with yourself.

SourSweets Wed 18-Dec-13 14:09:40

YABU, rude and judgemental.

I met my husband online. Worse still, a proper dating site. There's nothing wrong with either of us. It beats going to bars and getting felt up by drunken perverts.

I can't believe you actually think it was ok for you to do it, but you'd look down on me for doing it.

DontmindifIdo Wed 18-Dec-13 14:10:11

OP - I can see why you are a little upset/embarrassed about it, but attitudes to on-line dating and dating agencies has changed dramatically in the last 10-15 years. If you started dating before that, it might have easily been only really sad and pathetic people who did "lonely hearts" columns or used dating agencies, and that was the image of 'formal dating' that you got then, and subsequently, not many 'normal' people used them.

However - things have changed, the British seem to have finally embraced the US attitude towards formal dating (rather than getting drunk and then getting off with someone, or just hanging out with friends of friends and then 'going out'). And hte reason it's taken off and is more popular because it's a very grown up and sensible way to go about it.

DH and I met the old fashioned way (I was hammered on Archers and lemonade, wearing far too little for a night out in a northern town, we were in the classy surroundings of 'pop tarts' and he was doing some aggressive dance moves to 80s classics in a rugby shirt and beer soaked jeans, and I thought "that's the man for me"), but I think if we were to split up, I'd use on-line dating, the only new men I meet are via work, it's not really appropriate to date a colleague in my current work place, and I certainly couldn't date a client without it causing upset. I've met all the single male friends of my friends, and they are all single for good reasons. I don't lead the sort of lifestyle to go out on the pull.

Quite frankly, I'd think more highly of someone in their 30s dating on line (classy) than being out drunk on the pull (never classy, but you can get away with it if you are young).

Happydaze77 Wed 18-Dec-13 14:12:20

online dating has become so popular because it allows people to sort the wheat from the chaff a bit earlier on that in traditional dating (say in a bar/nightclub situation). You can filter by interests/hobbies, age, career type, kids/no kids etc. seems eminently sensible to me and a bit safer than getting plastered choosing prospective man friends through beer goggles in a darkened room.
Totally agree UsedToBeNDP

KhunZhoop Wed 18-Dec-13 14:12:36

OP, where do you think people should meet their partners then?

RedToothBrush Wed 18-Dec-13 14:12:43

If it screams of desperation and loneliness then a huge percentage of this country is desperate and lonely.

I think meeting someone online is now one of the most popular ways to meet your partner. I don't know what the percentage is in the UK, but the US figure is currently running at 30%!!!!

Perhaps if you (and everyone else) admitted it, then we'd be a lot less lonely as a society.

I don't see why its bad to meet online. I think you need to consider why you think this, and why you think it is worse than other ways to meet someone. Tbh, I think there's more to be said for it than picking up a random stranger in a bar for example. At least you have the chance to perhaps get to know someone a little before going on a date.

So OP I'm afraid you need to get over your petty snobbery and admit YABU.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy Wed 18-Dec-13 14:14:30

I used to lie ten years ago, because so many made rude comments as you've done about meeting online. We both actually had a story because other's opinions on it were pretty much what you said. We would get asked a lot because I'm not British and it was easier to lie.

Now (and the last few years), I just say the truth, we met in an online writing group. I'm more comfortable with myself, speaking for myself against such opinions, and it's just far more normal. And we rarely get comments on it now, people normally share their own stories or their own online hobby groups.

Thistledew Wed 18-Dec-13 14:14:37

My friend met her now DH through on-line dating. She had been a carer for her very ill mother for years and when she died, my friend decided that she was getting on (early 40s) and didn't want to spend the rest of her life alone. Her social circle had rather dwindled through spending so much time looking after her mum and through being very dedicated to her work. She went into dating with an absolutely ruthless mindset, and signed up for the best paid sites. She went on lots of dates, wasted no time with men who didn't meet her expectations and within 6 months had met a lovely man who had also spent a long time caring for elderly parents, and 3 months later they were engaged.

I have nothing but admiration for her efficiency.

I have another friend who has dabbled a bit in on-line dating but won't pay any fees, and has now given it up as it is not romantic enough for her to meet a man that way. She has been single for about 5 years and still lives in hope that she will bump into her Prince Charming in the supermarket or on the train to work, even though she has a specification of her ideal man that is as long as her arm.

MrsLouisTheroux Wed 18-Dec-13 14:16:18

The fact is, before on-line dating there were 'lonely hearts' columns in newspapers. THEY are to blame for the outdated attitudes some people still have towards finding a partner on line. 'Lonely hearts' implied 'The lonely soul who has to advertise for love.'
Times have changed OP and it is more than socially acceptable to meet someone through social media or on dating websites.

Fairylea Wed 18-Dec-13 14:19:49

I met dh online - plenty of fish actually which always gets masses of slating as yes it has its fair share of weirdos as opposed to maybe match for example but it's free so there's more people overall, of course there will be more good and bad people.

Anyway.... I always tell people. So does dh. We are so happy and would love to think we encouraged other people to give online dating a chance. If everyone lies about using it no one thinks it's successful and everyone should give it a go if they are looking to meet someone. It's just another way of meeting people!

Sidge Wed 18-Dec-13 14:22:04

Wow what a lovely attitude you have - not.

I've recently started online dating. On a paid dating site.

I'm in my 40s, divorced and am either at work or home with my children. I don't have any hobbies where I can meet single men, I don't go pubbing and clubbing and wouldn't really want to pick someone up that way. All of my friends are married or in long term relationships and don't have hoards of single friends they can fix me up with.

So how else do you suggest I meet someone? I'm not desperate (but I do get lonely) and I think that meeting people through a website specifically set up to put single people looking for a relationship is pretty sensible really.

At least I know that if a guy has forked out his hard earned cash to try and meet someone he's fairly serious. Better than meeting some pissed chancer in a club who's just out for a shag...

Branleuse Wed 18-Dec-13 14:25:00

dont most people meet online these days??

I met my dp online, and i also met two of my best (female) friends online

At least you get to know people properly in your own time when youre online. Its much less pressure

Branleuse Wed 18-Dec-13 14:25:32

OL is the new RL

Polyethyl Wed 18-Dec-13 14:29:19

A friend went to a wedding. She was the only single person at a table full of smug marrieds. As a conversation starter she asked them all how they had met a d got a variety of answers.... through work, through hobby, at party.
The evening wore on and wine started to loosen tongues. One by one the couples discreetly admitted to my friend that actually they had met through on line dating.
My friend was both upset that everyone had lied to her (at a social function which was highlighting her single status and making her feel lonely) and baffled that they were all ashamed of having used dating websites.
I'm delighted to report that my friend is now happily engaged to a chap she met through friends.

Beeyump Wed 18-Dec-13 14:29:30

Laila362 I just wanted to say that I feel the same. It is not a judgement of others who have met their partners/friends online, just my own issues! I met my boyfriend on a silly chat forum thing when I was in the midst of alcoholism - I do not want to tell people this, despite the fact that it amazingly worked out ok for us and we are very much in love (cringe). When people ask how we met, I lie. I wish I didn't. sad

BocaDeTrucha Wed 18-Dec-13 14:32:21

YANBU and have the same attitude as many people of my parents' generation. I met my dp on an online dating site and we now have a 3 month old ds. I have no problem telling anyone who asks how we met and all my family know. He is reluctant to tell his parents as they are much more traditional than mine and he doesn't think they would approve.

Your attituded belong in the ark. And it's really only an attitude found amongst older people who are out of touch with the online world. Most teenagers today conduct half their life online and have loads of ol friends so for each generation below us, this is more and more a totally normal part of life. Stop being so judgemental and start being proud of your relationship.

Beeyump Wed 18-Dec-13 14:34:33

I was the definition of desperate and lonely at that point by the way -can't get much more lonely than an alcoholic teenager - but I don't think that of others who have met online. In that respect, I find your opinion sweeping.

benid Wed 18-Dec-13 14:35:14

Er. and why do you care what other people think, so much that you need to lie about stuff that you've done?

Beeyump Wed 18-Dec-13 14:44:59

I care far too much about what other people think.

cantbelievemyeyes Wed 18-Dec-13 14:45:53

YABU. Interesting that your partner tells the truth about how you met. Does he know how ashamed you are of meeting him in this way? If my husband (who I met on Match.com) felt as you did I think I'd feel quite hurt.

You're making a big deal out of this where there is no need. Sadly there probably is a minority of people who would think badly of you/ think you were desperate and lonely- you and your father prove that unfortunately. But most people don't give a shit. So it's up to you- spend the rest of your life telling lies to cover up your shame and feeling sorry for yourself. Or stop wasting energy on such a pointless (non) issue and get on with appreciating what you have.

BocaDeTrucha Wed 18-Dec-13 14:49:59

YANBU and have the same attitude as many people of my parents' generation. I met my dp on an online dating site and we now have a 3 month old ds. I have no problem telling anyone who asks how we met and all my family know. He is reluctant to tell his parents as they are much more traditional than mine and he doesn't think they would approve.

Your attituded belong in the ark. And it's really only an attitude found amongst older people who are out of touch with the online world. Most teenagers today conduct half their life online and have loads of ol friends so for each generation below us, this is more and more a totally normal part of life. Stop being so judgemental and start being proud of your relationship.

ThistletoeAndWine Wed 18-Dec-13 14:50:14

How dare you say people are desperate to use online dating as a form of finding a partner!! U need to get your judgy knickers out your bottom and get real!!

Online chatting:dating is the way of the world these days! It happens! Doesn't mean people are
Embarrassed or desperate it means they are doing what they want in their lives!

You were once "desperate" enough!!!

Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 14:51:04

Thanks for the replies. I didn't expect to get so many. I guess I'm just abnormal but I still won't be admitting how we met!

BocaDeTrucha Wed 18-Dec-13 14:53:02

Oooops meant to say yabvvvvu.

Have you read any of the replies?
Do you want to change how you feel?

Beeyump Wed 18-Dec-13 14:54:41

This thread has actually helped me and my attitude a bit, so thanks for that! thanks

BocaDeTrucha Wed 18-Dec-13 14:55:06

What's the point in asking AIBU then????

ThistletoeAndWine Wed 18-Dec-13 14:55:39

Why post in aibu if ur not willing to consider you potentially are wrong!!!

ElizabethBathory Wed 18-Dec-13 14:56:28

Don't you feel a bit bad for your DP, that you're ashamed of how you met him and have to lie about it?!

Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 14:56:31

Yes I would love to change. I met my previous boyfriend on a night out. I was so drunk he had to take me home in a taxi. I didn't mind telling people we met clubbing! I find admitting I met online far worse and yet my dp has no issue with telling ppl and how I would love to me able to tell ppl the truth. I guess I don't really like to broadcast the fact I was looking for love at all. There is something g unappealing about that.

meeeemo Wed 18-Dec-13 14:56:50

yanbu! I met my dh online but felt funny telling people for the same reasons as you. friends and family know but I mostly tell people I dont know well that we met in the pub!

ThistletoeAndWine Wed 18-Dec-13 14:57:31

Well your partner must be thrilled
To know your ashamed of
How u met. U sound delightful!!!

chipshop Wed 18-Dec-13 14:58:03

There's no stigma attached to it anymore, half the people I know met online. My friend found her new man on Twitter. It's normal!

Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 15:01:51

Memo I'm glad I'm not the only one. A lot of ppl must lie as you don't hear about many ppl who met online and yet a lot do. It's not as bad for men to do it but it's embarrassing for a women. Don't know why.

DolomitesDonkey Wed 18-Dec-13 15:03:56

Oh, a friend of mine did online dating. Bagged himself a BILLIONAIRE. Old school billionaire - a la Rothschild. They're married now.

CarolsFromPoopMinster Wed 18-Dec-13 15:04:00

I met DH at uni through mutual friends, a friend met her DH at a wedding (seated together) and another friend met her DH online. As far as I'm concerned we all met in a "set up" scenario, the wedding one being the most old-fashioned and online the most modern, but one isn't "better" than the other.

It's all just a way to be introduced to people, then it's all about chemistry...and that is not guaranteed between any 2 people, so to have it regardless of how you meet is always something special. That's why I consider all 3 stories to be romantic, not because of how we met but because of what happened after that meeting.

BocaDeTrucha Wed 18-Dec-13 15:04:46

Laila, do you think your dp was desperate? I'm surprised you're still with him if desperation is so unappealing?

Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 15:05:53

I think it's because I met my partner when I was young and at uni, a place where you should be in a situation where you could meet someone in a normal way. If we were to split up now I don't think I would mind telling people we met online as a single parent would find it harder to meet someone. I really do think that's it. I feel people judge me as I should have been able to meet someone wihout the help of te internet.

ViviPru Wed 18-Dec-13 15:06:47

It's not as bad for men to do it but it's embarrassing for a women

I'm starting to think this is a wind-up now..

CarolsFromPoopMinster Wed 18-Dec-13 15:08:10

The uni I went to used to organise dating events - there was obviously a demand for it...

ViviPru Wed 18-Dec-13 15:08:30

I feel people judge me

No YOU are judging you. And you're judging other people - it's not nice.

I'm judging you now for being so bloody judgemental. Just get over it OP. Meeting people online is OLD NEWS.

MammaTJ Wed 18-Dec-13 15:14:29

Why does it matter? You could have met someone in a pub, or at uni, but you met your ideal man online. Why would you think that is something to be looked down on and judged for?

I met my DP online, but because I was a single mum at the time, that is acceptable to you. hmm

I could also have gone to the pub, met someone at work or anywhere else out and about, so I do not see the disparity there.

MrsBri Wed 18-Dec-13 15:20:39

Khun, my DH and I met on a band's forum, and then in person at a gig. We've been together over 5 years, married for just over a year and have a baby DD.

We know quite a few couples who've met on the same forum and many of our best friends were also met the same way, including one of our wedding ushers and our daughter's godmother.

I'd say it's totally normal to meet people online, whether for friendship or a relationship. You just need to remember this and not worry about it.

Ephiny Wed 18-Dec-13 15:25:45

But meeting online is a 'normal way' of meeting someone these days. It's not anything unusual, or that you need feel embarrassed about or have to 'admit' to confused.

It sounds like you're projecting your own judgmental attitude onto other people. Most people will not really care how you met, beyond mild curiosity, and are really not likely to think less of you for whatever your answer is.

I didn't meet DH online, but I know several couples who did meet that way, and it isn't an issue for them or for me. I think it's a great idea, actually, and would definitely use online dating if I was single and looking for a partner. Seems a more reliable method than just hoping you'll randomly meet someone suitable (though that does sometimes work out too smile)

sykadelic15 Wed 18-Dec-13 15:48:56

@ElleMcFearsome - My DH and I met on WoW as well smile I immigrated to the US because of him :D

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Wed 18-Dec-13 15:55:25

You are being silly - tho I guess it's from your dad.

I suggest the next five times you are asked, tell the truth, you'll find the world won't fall in.

I met dh on match. Com- now that is embarrassing- I should have been on guardian soulmates or something.

My god it's the 21st Century!

I met my husband 12 years ago on an internet forum. He lived in Belfast. I lived in California.

We now both live in Belfast and have been married 9 years.

Grow up and stop caring what people think.

dobedobedo Wed 18-Dec-13 15:59:19

Back way back when the only people who owned computers were "programmer geeks" and "nerds" who couldn't get girls the normal way because they weren't "jock" enough or sociable, there was stigma.

But everyone is on the internet now. It's completely normal to meet a partner online. There shouldn't be a stigma at all, I think it was also unfair in the early internet days.

YABU.

RibbonsInMyHair Wed 18-Dec-13 16:00:56

The only time I've personally found it odd is when a guy at work told me he had been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 7 years - but for the first 2 years they had never met.

That to me isn't a relationship if you have never met, both lived in the UK btw.

Aside from that I know quite a few people who have met online, I'd probably say it's the most common way to meet someone these days.

NuggetofPurestGreen Wed 18-Dec-13 16:03:04

Yes Viv, this must be a wind up. No one could really still think
" It's not as bad for men to do it but it's embarrassing for a women"

Gossipmonster Wed 18-Dec-13 16:05:16

We met online and we decided to lie about it.

This lasted about a week. We gladly tell people how we met and it's really very common - much more so than lonely hearts ads.

I don't care what people think if me why should I I've been happy for 4 yrs! smile

NuggetofPurestGreen Wed 18-Dec-13 16:11:03

I went out with someone id met online about 5 years ago. I was honest about how we met but he lied to his friends as he was embarrassed. Wound me right up I tell you. And it was a bit more understandable then, I didn't know anyone doing online dating at the time whereas now it's unusual for you not to do it if you're single!

MistleToastyStoHoHoat Wed 18-Dec-13 16:11:43

Nobody actually gives a shit. Except you apparently. I met my husband online, on a dating site. Nobody cares.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Wed 18-Dec-13 16:12:41

I talked about it in my wedding speech too. anyone who finds it embarrassing are a bit too much worried about what others think.

sykadelic15 Wed 18-Dec-13 16:13:26

Honestly I find people who meet at bars to be unusual. You're meeting someone drunk and dolled up. Either on their best or worst behaviour (not indicative of who they really are). Probably out trolling for sex rather than looking for a relationship. I knew I'd never meet someone for a real relationship that way, can't say I ever expected via WoW though! I wasn't even looking and POW there he was :P Being an LDR meant we got to know each other a lot better (I feel) that if we were in person. We had to find things to talk about. Sent videos, photos, etc etc.

I've never had anyone react badly to us meeting online (at least to my face). Most people think it's great and love to hear how it all worked out for us. I even explained how we met at our wedding because some people legitimately had no idea (and I'm REALLY not embarrassed by it, our relationship proves it's not always bad).

I understand why you're worried given your dad's statements, but honestly you're part of the problem of why it's stigmatised. Don't you think if you told your dad, a naysayer of online dating, that you met your partner online that he'd change his tune seeing how successful your relationship is? It says more about him and his being narrow-minded than it does about meeting online.

Pollaidh Wed 18-Dec-13 16:22:22

It's completely normal now, especially once you're past the uni stage where you meet tons of people. I know tons of people who do it. I met my husband in real life (uni), but I remember living in a new city for my first job and wondering how on earth you make friends, let alone find a partner. My 'what if' master plan involved going to the park and tripping over in front of nice looking runners... on-line dating would have been far less desperate.

sykadelic15 Wed 18-Dec-13 16:24:31

RibbonsInMyHair I understand why you find LDR's weird, especially if they haven't met when it "starts" but the first 10 months of our relationship were without us having met in person (we'd been friends for longer and still having not met physically).

The relationship was about being there emotionally for each other, being committed to each other (not seeing anyone else) and learning who each other was without worrying about the physical first.

One of the worries for me was that we would be incompatible in person (sex life, living habits etc) and that we'd put all this emotional stuff into it and it would fizzle out... BUT at the very least both of us would have a great friend who knows us so well.

I stayed with him for 2 months in the US. He was working and studying so it wasn't really a "honeymoon" period of 24/7 together. It showed me/us what we'd be like as a couple living together. It showed me what his friends thought of him, his family, his work and study ethic and all that stuff.

Worked for us smile

** I will add that there ARE bad people out there. There are "catfish" you need to worry about but if you're smart and don't take everything at face value (especially in the beginning) and do what you can to protect yourself (don't give out physical address in the beginning and meet in public places for example) you'll be fine.

Gossipmonster Wed 18-Dec-13 16:25:20

The embarrassing bit is we met on POF blush

DontmindifIdo Wed 18-Dec-13 16:29:27

OP - if it helps, perhaps start a "how did you meet your DH/P and what do you say when asked how you met him/her?" thread - you'll find the bulk of stories aren't super romantic/tell the DGCs type, there'll be lots of "woke up with a hangover next to him" or "drunk in a city centre" stories, and then a lot of "on-line" - very few people have a "Mills and Boon story" - yours isn't embarrassing or unusal. It's only your Dad and that generation who think so because the idea is so alien to them.

I still don;t see why "in an online forum discussing XYZ" is any worse than "at a XYZ club/at an event for fans of XYZ" - unless the XYZ is something embarrassing.

HeirToTheIronThrone Wed 18-Dec-13 16:32:11

Another one who met her husband on match.com, and happy to admit it. My housemate at the time saw how happy I was when we met, and she's now living with her online boyfriend, another ex-colleague is married to hers. There's also a 5 year online relationship and a marriage that came out of speed dating in my wider circle. I must know a hell of a lot of desperate, unattractive women OP confused I'm so non-embarrassed by it that it was in our wedding speeches!

Seriously, how dare you suggest that I couldn't find someone in a 'normal' way?? For me it just sped things up, DH and I realised when we'd been dating for a while that we could have met several times - at gigs, or our shared local, or through friends of friends. It just gave fate a boot!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Wed 18-Dec-13 16:33:03

Yeah gossip monster, pof is desperate ;)

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest Wed 18-Dec-13 16:38:44

I know 5 couples who met online. 3 are married.

Realistically, who gives a shit how you met? That's just a conversation starter.

If I were single now, and wanted to date, I'd definitely do online dating. I'm not into clubbing or bars anymore.

livingzuid Wed 18-Dec-13 16:46:24

I met now DH on World of warcraft too! I am proud of him and couldn't care less how we met or telling people about it. I only fudged a bit with my parents because I had just gone through a divorce and my mum was a) in shock over that and b) overly judgemental of computer games. They knew we met online though. My mum and stepdad met via a dating agency but as we can see hypocrisy is alive and kicking.

I don't get how you can be so judgemental about others meeting people online when you went and did it yourself. I feel sorry for your DP who may feel as if he's having to lie which is not a nice position to be put in + the fact that you are ashamed for no reason at all.

livingzuid Wed 18-Dec-13 16:48:46

ellie and sky I moved to the Netherlands for my WoW hubby. Well worth every penny of subscription to meet him smile

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 18-Dec-13 16:56:24

I met dh at university.

I think online dating is normal. I know very few people who have been together less than5 years who met any other way.

livingzuid Wed 18-Dec-13 16:57:36

syk sorry not sky doh. I found the difference with WoW was that we were always gaming together, always talking, always hanging out online. There's a group of us who are still friends six years on (although DH and I are the only ones who ever met!) and the boys have their own little whatsapp chat which I have no need to be part of grin we've all been gaming together for years. You build up close bonds that way even online. DH and I had to meet to be sure what we felt was real and genuine which it was, but by the time we met it was just an affirmation of what I already knew. Skype, facetime, Facebook all help in breaking down online barriers.

I'd be dubious if they didn't want to show themselves on Skype but in this day and age meeting online is so normal.

ephemeralfairy Wed 18-Dec-13 17:02:14

I met DP on a dating site, and not a reputable one either! Have lost track of the number of people I know of who've met online, gone on to marry and have kids etc.

Once you're out of FT education I honestly don't know how you're meant to meet potential partners. It can only be at work or online. My workplace is 90% female so online was the only option really.

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers Wed 18-Dec-13 17:09:59

OP, I think you need to take a look at your own judgemental attitudes - you're the one saying you'd look down on others if you knew they'd met online!

It is completely normal now for people to have met their partners online, whether that is through dating websites or more general sites and forums. I met my DH via mutual love of an obscure band on MySpace ages ago, and we are totally well-matched, adore each other and have a wonderful DS. Out of all my friends who are in relationships, the majority met online in some way. I know of two couples who fell in love via liking each other's comment on the Guardian website.

Many years ago, and when people didn't get much chance to be alone with someone of the opposite sex, never mind be intimate with them, many people fell in love by writing letters to each other and finding out who the other person truly was, inside. I see the way that many couple fall in love, myself and Dh included, as a modern version of that - by getting to know one another via email, msgs, even instant messenger, it can be a true meeting of minds, of kindred spirits.

I think it's actually very romantic to have fallen in love online, and actually quite sensible too - learning about someone via their words, and how they communicate and present themselves is a more rounded way of discovering if someone is right for you than drunkenly snogging the face off some bloke outside the pub at the end of Saturday night (not that there's anything wrong with that, either).

Surely the point is that you meet someone who is right for you, good to you, whom you can build a happy family with (if that's your choice, and it's possible), and have a good life with, not how and where you met them? It's incredibly shallow to care about that other stuff.

(Also, when someone is telling people how they met their OH, most people aren't listening that much, they're just waiting to tell their own funny 'how I met my Oh story, anyway!)

CwtchesAndCuddles Wed 18-Dec-13 17:13:34

I met dh online 10 years ago. I've never had an issue with anyone knowing how we met and don't think it is anything to hide or be embarrassed about.

OP I think your attitude says a lot about you! I was not desperate and as I hate clubs and pubs online dating was a good way to meet people. I was recently out of a 16 year marriage and wanted to get out of the house again and have some fun - I didn't expect to be married again so soon when I signed up with Match.com !!!!

Surely it's more important you are in love and making a life together. Who cares where you met or how? Think you are seriously over thinking how much anyone actually gives a fuck.

RibbonsInMyHair Wed 18-Dec-13 17:56:33

Honestly I find people who meet at bars to be unusual

That's a bit fucking rude isn't it?

I've never used the internet for dating. Yet I would never find people who do as "unusual".

BitOutOfPractice Wed 18-Dec-13 18:01:48

I don't think I've ever come across an AIBU where the OP had her judgey pants quite so tightly wound up her arse about herself!

For what it's worth I think YABVU. And old fashioned. And judgey. And the only cringey thing is your attitude.

CatOfTheDay Wed 18-Dec-13 18:04:28

I met my DP of 6 years on a dating site! He'd joined to find girls for his mate, and I'd joined to prove to two of my mates that there's only weirdos on internet dating sites. I'm the first to admit I was wrong - however one pf those mates has now met someone the "normal" way!

I COULD have met him several times in "real life" though - it turned out we'd lived two streets away from each other at two different times at opposite ends of the country, and had mutual friends in both places! grin

TheSylph Wed 18-Dec-13 18:11:54

I met my husband online - the question of where we met has come up quite a lot. Most of the time I simply say with no hesitation but usually qualify it with extra detail as to why we both came to being on an online dating site. Occasionally it makes me uncomfortable and I have lied once - but that is more to do with the type of person who is asking me.

livingzuid Wed 18-Dec-13 18:12:39

Hardly rude or incorrect ribbons. My mum was always saying to me that I would never meet my soul mate in a bar and how odd she found that whole culture. Certainly lots of her generation and the one before couldn't understand meeting in a bar/club or meeting online for that matter. Not sure where they think people are supposed to meet aside from work and where I am that would limit things considerably!

TheMuppetsSingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 18:14:59

On the off chance that you're not a hairy handed under the bridge dweller, grow up and get a grip! Are you really so stupid as to think that people give a shit where you met your partner?!

MillyMollyMandy78 Wed 18-Dec-13 18:25:49

I met my husband online too. I think it is a great way for people like us to meet. We are both a bit shy round strangers, dont go to pubs/ clubs etc. online we were able to build a rapport, have some banter and really open up about our feelings, lives etc. by the time we met in RL a month later we knew each other really well - we were both honest and clicked instantly. However, we were both embarrassed despite all this. I have only told one friend, and DH didn't tell a soul, though his mum did ask me ages later and i told her the truth. Apparently one of her friends had seen his online profile. They are the only two people in the world who know, which is silly really because i know several couples who have also met online and i don't judge at all. But then i think it is no one elses business really how we met and we are hurting no one if we tell a white lie. Btw i also heard that 50% of couples now meet their spouse online.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe Wed 18-Dec-13 19:26:50

I met my OH 14 years ago on line. It WAS unusual back then and I didn't tell my parents (and still havent) how we met. But we did tell all our friends.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 18-Dec-13 20:52:17

I was also a bit embarrassed when I met my partner online. A few close friends knew the truth but I lied to a lot of other people for many years!

Then - imagine my absolute horror when my father announced it to everyone in his speech at our Wedding, lol. I tried to look like I wasn't fussed he'd announced it but inside I wanted to curl up and die. There were a lot of very shocked guests. I didn't want to curl up and die with embarrassment because of how we met, but because I was so mortified that everyone knew I had lied to them. I think my Grandparents were the most displeased grin

NarcissaPoetica Wed 18-Dec-13 21:07:01

I met my XH on a phone sex chat line several years ago - I was a teenager at the time... You try admitting to that! grin I told people we met online just to avoid the stigma of being pictured as lonely AND lecherous!

You know, I've never written that down before. I suddenly feel rather liberated! smile

kennyp Wed 18-Dec-13 21:22:24

i couldn't think of anything worse than trying to meet someone in a bar or something. lots of frioends have met boyfriends, partners, online. so much easier, quicker etc etc.

as larry david said in curb "blah blah ..... so you met. hooray" (he HATES the "how we met" stories). if i'm interested in how someone met someone i hope to god it's a quick answer (online/out/bus stop/work/mc donalds) as a long story would bore me as much as a travel story. (going slightly off piste but why is it a biggy how you met?)

Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 22:08:40

Lmao narcissa! My friend met her do at a swingers club and admits it freely!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now