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To think DH shouldn't pay his ex?

(51 Posts)
BruthasTortoise Tue 17-Dec-13 20:41:30

DSSs live with us, DSS1 stays with his mum 2 nights a week and goes to school from her house. Today DSSs mum sent a huge ranting text about how she was sick of DH not providing for DSS and how she would no longer be giving him dinner money on the days she has him. This came as news to us as DSS gets his 5 days dinner money at the start of the week. Turns out he had been telling his Mum he had no money then pocketing the £10 she was giving him and using it to buy sweets and crap after school. Their mum is now demanding that DH refund her £100 or so she has paid out this year.
Now DH is going to have a stern word with DSS, come up with a suitable punishment and has told their mum to sell some of his belongings at her house to pay back the money but doesn't think he (DH that is) should have to pay the money. Their mum is now saying she won't have money to get them anything for Christmas if DH doesn't pay. AIBU to think its not DH's responsibility to pay this money back?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Tue 17-Dec-13 20:43:31

Does she pay any maintenance.

NotYoMomma Tue 17-Dec-13 20:44:00

she can jog on

BruthasTortoise Tue 17-Dec-13 20:45:27

She pays less than half the amount she supposed to - but as half the amount is to pay back arrears the CSA aren't really interested.

wispa31 Tue 17-Dec-13 20:46:44

No. The son should be made to pay it back, wether thats by no pocket money/ sell stuff/ chores whatever. Mum and dad need to sort it between them how he should make amends. Children need to know there are consequences.

YANBU. It's not your DH fault that dss spent the money.

NatashaBee Tue 17-Dec-13 20:48:48

How old is DSS? He should be the one paying back his mother since he was the one who deceived her into giving him extra money. It's really up to his mother how she chooses to punish him for that and whether she makes him pay her back. It's not your DH's responsibility. She is being unreasonable to say she can't afford presents unless he pays her though - does that mean if it weren't for this coming to light, your DSS wouldn't have got any presents?

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Dec-13 20:48:55

Ah I always used to do this when I was at school! How would she be buying him Christmas presents if she hadn't have found out about this? Sounds to me like she's trying to get a bit of "free money"

All kids do it! Not saying its right though and your DH and his ex need to have a word with him.

CoffeeQueen187 Tue 17-Dec-13 20:49:55

Cheeky cow! She should pay for his dinner money whilst he's at hers anyway. You shouldn't have to pay for him whilst he's in her care.

I wouldn't send my children to their dad with food for dinner and spending money etc, he can pay
For it.

Tell her to get fucked! grin

CoffeeQueen187 Tue 17-Dec-13 20:52:09

DSS is also a bit cheeky for getting dinner money off her when he's already had it though. He should pay it back really, either through pocket money or chores etc or whatever his parents see fit.

But, I still stick to the fact that she should be paying for his dinner money whilst he's there and not you

BruthasTortoise Tue 17-Dec-13 20:55:01

He's 14 and in a bit of "phase" at the minute. Tbh communication between DH and his ex is not good, they genuinely dislike each other which, as an "outside" observer I can see creates gaps for this kind of playing both sides off against each other to happen. But at this stage I can't see their parenting relationship getting any better so this is what we have to work with.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 17-Dec-13 20:57:09

Tell her to do one, not your DH's fault DSS1 was pulling a fast one, and since he lives with you 5 nights a week, then she can fuck off.

Why was she giving a tenner for one school meal anyway.

LineRunner Tue 17-Dec-13 20:58:24

I think you should all draw a line under this and move on. Lesson learned.

No selling of stuff, no demanding repayments. It honestly isn't worth the grief over a hundred quid from a term that has gone.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Tue 17-Dec-13 21:14:49

It's the boy who should play it back, not the father. I agree she's just wanting some cash this time of year, and there's no reason he should give it to her (unless shes horribly poor and he's stinking rich and then although there's no reason to, I'd be more sympathetic about it)

BruthasTortoise Tue 17-Dec-13 21:25:26

Unfortunately not filthy rich smile. Probably could scrape together the £100 but it would leave us right for Christmas.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Tue 17-Dec-13 21:28:43

Has DSS admitted to this

SugarCaneShortCake Tue 17-Dec-13 21:38:34

Don't give her any money. I would say that if, DSS has had the money then it is up to his mum to sort out repayment. I do think that it's a bit of a coincidence that she is asking for money this close to Christmas.

Breadkneadslove Tue 17-Dec-13 21:40:38

It's definitely not your and your DH responsibility to pay the ex the money. I imagine she is just trying her luck! DS should be encouraged to work off his debt. Canny laddy!

If you honestly believe that the ex won't be able to put a present under the tree for the kids and you have some spare cash, then I would do the charitable thing and buy them a gift for her to give them so that they do receive a present from each parent.

But it's a no to giving out cash and I'm surprised that your DH would be paying for school meals on the ex days!

SugarCaneShortCake Tue 17-Dec-13 21:41:32

Just a thought - how was she going to pay for the presents before this came up?

ImperialBlether Tue 17-Dec-13 21:41:42

But if she's given him the money for ten weeks, why has that affected her Christmas? If she believed she shouldn't have to give it to him, why didn't she ask your DH after the first time?

I can't see why it's your DH's job to pay, anyway. He was paying his son for lunches.

He shouldn't give her any money. I do feel a bit sorry for you DSS though, maybe the kid's just hungry after school.

RandomMess Tue 17-Dec-13 21:52:17

ROFL, yep DSS has to sort out repaying the money some how, Hopefully both of the parents will learn from this escapade...

MikeChristmasTreeIsLit Tue 17-Dec-13 21:53:44

Shes got a cheek.

Tell her it will be taken of the arrears she owes.

She is obviously lying about the Christmas money. If your dh gives into her with this she will be forever making up bullshit reasons to get money off him.

hoobypickypicky Tue 17-Dec-13 22:59:06

This is time for your DH to give his ex the infamous "No is a complete sentence".

WooWooOwl Tue 17-Dec-13 23:13:16

Your DHs ex is a loon who needs to grow the fuck up and start acting like a parent.

niceguy2 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:28:32

As tempting as "Fuck you" is as a response, a more diplomatic reply would possibly be to point out that at 14yrs old, he is responsible for his own actions. It happened at her house and he lied to her so she should be the one to punish him and if she wants payment then she will need to work out a way DSS can pay it off. (eg. extra chores).

Otherwise you end up in a bizarre situation where DSS has lied and got money under false pretences and someone else pays it back for him. A BAD lesson to teach. What if in the future he racks up a huge credit card bill? Is DH expected to pay that off too?

Another question, soes DSS get an allowance? Why did he feel the need to lie to get extra money?

clam Tue 17-Dec-13 23:32:43

Another one here who is thinking that if he had spent this £100 on lunches (as opposed to frittering it away) she still wouldn't have had enough money for Christmas. Why's it any different just because she's realised he's been pulling a fast one?

Inertia Tue 17-Dec-13 23:36:54

DSS takes responsibility for taking money from his mother under false pretences.

His mum isn't really in any position to complain about DSS not being provided for if she is supposed to pay maintenance and doesn't. However, it's worth investigating whether DSS has lied to her about anything else - it could be that DSS has asked for money from his mother for things like school trips when your DH has already paid.

niceguy2 Wed 18-Dec-13 00:49:48

plus, does she not see the irony about demanding Dh repay the money DSS got by lying by erm...lying that she's no money for xmas? What does that teach DSS?

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 18-Dec-13 00:56:38

Stupid women, tell her not a chance!

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 18-Dec-13 01:20:20

Quite aside from the utterly stupid lesson paying her would teach your dss

She is responsable for his upkeep and behaviour when he is with her and that's that.

OpalTourmaline Wed 18-Dec-13 01:27:23

What is the arrangement re Christmas present buying for dss? Is the mum solely responsible for it? She has left it quite late, but maybe that's me being anal.

sykadelic15 Wed 18-Dec-13 02:02:48

Not his responsibility. Had she called your DH and asked the first time he mentioned not having money, she wouldn't have given him so much.

Add to that, why on earth is it HIS responsibility if THEIR kid essentially steals?

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 18-Dec-13 05:34:35

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts

"unless shes horribly poor and he's stinking rich and then although there's no reason to"

Not understanding why this should come in to it either.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 18-Dec-13 05:45:06

So, let's get this straight..

Your DH (and you of course) give him his lunch money.

He lies to get more money. He spends said money on shite.

He gets caught lying to his Mum.

She thinks your DH (and you of course) should now pay her, on top of already paying for lunches on 'her' days.

The woman is an idiot. It's no wonder your DH and her don't get on.

It's a wonder she can cross the road on her own with that kind of logic fgrin

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 18-Dec-13 05:46:16

and he's 14, old enough to be told he's had his Christmas present already - to the tune of £100 cash.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Wed 18-Dec-13 08:01:24

Boney well it doesn't really, was just a 'what if' thought that maybe there's a reason for the mum to be desperate and asking for money... More of a caveat assuming that the h hasn't left exw in dire straits really, feel free to ignore as not the point of the thread smile

WaitMonkey Wed 18-Dec-13 09:24:12

She sounds a total idiot. shock

NigellasDealer Wed 18-Dec-13 09:29:07

she does sound a bit of a silly woman tbh., what she is suggesting does not make sense any way you look at it. Why should the dad clear up the son's financial mess that he got into by lying and cheating? What life lesson would be in that? a pretty crappy one that's what.

mayorquimby Wed 18-Dec-13 09:47:23

Tell the useless fucker to bugger off.

BruthasTortoise Wed 18-Dec-13 14:35:15

Thanks everyone - I had a feeling that we weren't being unreasonable but it's sometimes hard to tell. DSSs Mum is today suggesting that DH give her the money in full and then he can take it from DSS pocket money however DSs

BruthasTortoise Wed 18-Dec-13 14:51:13

Posted too soon! DSS is now saying that he didn't ask for the money everytime, sometimes she just gave it to him. To be honest I think she has left herself short for Chritsmas and is chancing her harm a bit and while I have sympathy for that it's not like Christmas isn't predictable and I'm sure her other child will have presents etc.

NigellasDealer Wed 18-Dec-13 14:59:32

well it really has nothing to do with your husband does it?
honestly, tell her to do one, politely of course, she cannot even look after her own children.

BruthasTortoise Wed 18-Dec-13 15:00:20

Oh and to answer questions re. allowance - he gets £60 a month paid into his account. From that he pays half his phone bill (£6) each month and half his youth club fees (£3) a week. The rest is his to spend as he wishes but he has a tendency to blow it all in the first week or two and leave himself short for the rest of the month. We have been considering changing it to weekly but DH and I are both of the opinion that in this day and age managing money on a monthly basis is an invaluable life skill.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Wed 18-Dec-13 15:01:21

Your DH needs to just give her a big fat no, her cheek alone for saying your DH doesnt provide would be enough for me to get my back up.

niceguy2 Wed 18-Dec-13 16:06:07

OK, so DSS gets a reasonable amount of allowance per month so it's not like he's had to resort to lying to get by then.

Yep, 1000% your DH should tell her to sod off. Definitely don't be tempted to give in because aside from the fact she's chancing it by being economical with the truth. It's also what I call the thin end of the wedge. If he buckles now, I'd expect her to try similar in the future.

This happened to us in reverse. SS lives with his mum but claimed he needed dinner money for Monday as he spent the weekends with us. It turned out he'd been lying and was on free school meals! This had been going on for 6 months, so quite a lot of money but it never would have occurred to us to ask SS's mum to pay it back ( and we're not even on good terms with her), she's just trying her luck!

Let me get this straight. She has been misled by her own 14 year old son and yet for some reason it is his father's fault.
YANBU

springythatlldofornow Wed 18-Dec-13 18:57:23

For starters, it's not unknown for some people to have 'only' £100 to spend on christmas. If they're lucky.

Yes she has BU to 'demand' it from DH (if she did - did you hear the call?). But, reading between the lines, she has lost custody of her children by the sound of it. Maybe there's history. Doesnt excuse everything but understandable if she hates him.

BruthasTortoise Wed 18-Dec-13 19:07:20

She didn't lose custody of her children - she left DH and the boys for an OM years ago. And has subsequently had another child. She has never indicated any desire to have the boys living with her and doesn't have DSS2 to stay at all. Not that DH was an angel during their relationship and he would admit it - leaving her to look after a small child while he worked 70+ hours a week was not good and he would admit to largely ignoring the warning signs that she felt neglected.

BruthasTortoise Wed 18-Dec-13 19:07:56

And no I didn't hear the call, DH showed me the text message.

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