Parents alone at Christmas

(40 Posts)
Poodles1980 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:35:14

Firstly - new member so please be gentle!
My mum and dad are going to be alone this Christmas for the first time ever. My bro and sis are abroad. It's our turn to go the the pil even though they have a full house. My mum nearly died from a sudden illness earlier this year and it's a bit of a miracle she is still here.
I hate my pils, I can't even hide the fact that I can't stand them, she is a self obsessed psycho nutter with a tendency towards crazy made up fits of illness. AIBU to expect that they might lets us off the hook so we can go to my mum and dads?
We can't do both houses on the day and she won't come to ours because she is so fussy
I'm wracked with guilt about my parents and filled with crazy rage for the in laws aaaaagggghhhh

throwingstones Tue 17-Dec-13 10:38:36

Let you off the hook? It's not mandatory you go there, apparently you don't like each other anyway so who exactly loses out here? What does your OH think?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 17-Dec-13 10:40:20

Why don't you go to your parents and your dh go to his

ViviPru Tue 17-Dec-13 10:40:38

1. Dampen the RAGE. I have a raging dislike for my PiLs too but I won't allow it to cloud my judgement or fair, reasonable handling of situations.

2. What's you DH?P's view?

AIBU to expect that they might lets us off the hook so we can go to my mum and dads?

If you approach it as a necessary and sensible alternative plan based on the years' events rather than a welcome respite from enduring the Horror-Pils, then you might achieve your desired outcome....

Just say my parents will be on their own and mum hasn't been well so we will go to them, I'm sure you understand. I assume your DH will be on your side?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:42:37

If you and your husband don't go to the PIL's house will they then be on their own?

Couldn't you host Christmas dinner and invite both sets of parents??

KellyEllyMincePieBelly Tue 17-Dec-13 10:43:02

If your mum nearly died this year it's not really about 'turns'. You should go to your mums. If your OH doesn't agree then go alone and let him go to his mothers. Seems like your mum should be the priority this year.

MrsMoon76 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:43:53

Or you go to yours and he goes to his? DH and I have never actually spent Christmas together because neither of us can stand the idea of our parents being alone (my brothers are abroad and his are arseholes). Works for us.

KellyEllyMincePieBelly Tue 17-Dec-13 10:44:10

Writerwannabe83 It says in the OP PIL have a full house.

MrsLouisTheroux Tue 17-Dec-13 10:44:10

What does your DH say?

The PILs have a full house.

As your mum has been so poorly I would go there, and if your DH doesn't like it then he can go to his parents.

Agree with Kelly your mum is totally the priority this year.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 17-Dec-13 10:44:37

If your in laws are expecting you I think you should go. It's a bit mean to back out of a Christmas invitation a week before.

Your mum and dad might well enjoy a nice quiet Christmas day together and then like to see you on Boxing Day or something.

bishboschone Tue 17-Dec-13 10:44:44

I would say just say you are going to your parents . My dad was poorly in hospital last Xmas and died in June . We would have loved to have spent his last Xmas with him at his beloved house .. Life is too short to worry about your parents in law .

SettingPlaster Tue 17-Dec-13 10:46:49

There's no 'hook', Poodles. Going to parents and PiL year on year off is a purely voluntary arrangement, not a legal or moral compulsion. Either go to your parents, or invite them to yours.

However much you have a problem with your IL's, they are your DH parents and (as you haven't mentioned otherwise) I assume he will feel as duty-bound and caring towards them, as you do to your parents.
At this stage, they will have shopped, prepared and possibly been planning for some time.Changing plans would now be an awful thing to do.

It is sad for you that you won't be with your own parents for Christmas, but most people have to adjust to sharing family Christmases - or doing it themselves - or just not seeing anyone.
Despite the fact that your Mum was ill (and I am not minimising that in any way) she is recovered and will be looking forward to the day that she does see you.

Normally everyone comes to me, but I had one year immediately post divorce when I was on my own for Christmas Day. I just moved the whole concept (in my head) and celebrated on the Boxing Day when everyone came to me. It became my "Christmas"
I am absolutely sure that your parents will do something similar.

You need to let that work for you too.....and try to be the most cheerful person around, at your IL's. Its polite.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:47:36

Thanks kelly - stupid moment alert!! smile

In that case OP I would definitely go to your own parents. I'm sure your husband would understand given the circumstances.

friday16 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:47:40

Firstly, "turns" is for small children playing with toys. Go where you think best. Being an adult involves making decisions. Your in-laws have a full house. Go to your parents.

Secondly, on the other hand, "she won't come to ours because she is so fussy" is her problem, not yours. If she wants to be in her own house so badly that she'd rather be alone, then that's up to her. You could invite her, and then stay at home.

Decide what you want to do, and do it. Let other people be irrational.

JellyBabiesSaveLives Tue 17-Dec-13 10:48:18

There are no "turns". What happens is you and dh sit down and look at all the places where you'd be welcome for Christmas, including your own home, and decide where you'd like to be for Christmas. Then you do that. You tell the people you won't be visiting, politely, and they politely express their disappointment ...

Could you invite both sets of parents to your house? And then the ILs can choose not to come, and that will be their choice.

(but your mum and dad won't be alone for Christmas, there are two of them)

struggling100 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:49:33

Definitely go to your parents. But perhaps offer the PILs some kind of alternative date so you still see them?

RodneyTheChristmasElf Tue 17-Dec-13 11:00:16

I hate the whole 'turns' thing at Christmas. Christmas should be about being with the people you want to be with, simple as. Go be with your parents.

Poodles1980 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:06:51

Thanks guys, maybe I should just get some tranquillisers and suck it up. Christmas in my family home is a laid back affair with copious amounts of food,drink and fun. Christmas with the in laws is alcohol free, one small meal and the risk of hypothermia from the refusal to put the heat on!

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:07:37

Sounds great fun, lol grin

ViviPru Tue 17-Dec-13 11:10:52

maybe I should just get some tranquillisers and suck it up.

I'm confused. The vast majority of posts agree you ought to see your parents yet you draw this conclusion confused

Nanny0gg Tue 17-Dec-13 11:12:43

What does your husband think?

friday16 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:14:17

Christmas with the in laws is alcohol free, one small meal and the risk of hypothermia from the refusal to put the heat on!

So why do you go there?

cozietoesie Tue 17-Dec-13 11:15:31

For Goodness Sake, go to your parents and break this compulsion. But tell everybody quickly in case they've (for once) semi-ordered a fatted calf.

SomethingkindaOod Tue 17-Dec-13 11:18:06

Go to your parents this year and then next year start your own tradition. Giving up the turns thing was the best festive decision we ever made!

HedgehogsRevenge Tue 17-Dec-13 11:19:43

Turns? Hooks? You are a grown up, yes? Well then you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions. If you go to your pil then that is your choice, no-one can force you and quite why you would choose to spend Christmas with people you dislike is beyond me.

diddl Tue 17-Dec-13 11:29:32

Go to your parents!

Although as there are two of them, I wouldn't consider them alone tbh.

woollytights Tue 17-Dec-13 11:35:23

Your parents won't be alone, they'll be together.

It does sound like you're trying to find an excuse not to spend Christmas with your PIL and if this wasn't your reason for not wanting to go, you'd find another. I personally wouldn't want someone round my house on Christmas who hated me to the point of sheer rage and fury. Best tell them you're not going, it doesn't need to be a huge dilemma.

Delurkedforthis Tue 17-Dec-13 11:42:18

Thank goodness for you Woolly tights

I was beginning to think it was only me....Mr Lurked and I will be alone (together) on Christmas day: DD with her lovely ils ditto DS with his....and we cannot WAIT!!!!!!

Forgive me if I've overlooked this, but how do YOUR parents feel about this Poodles? After the year they've had might they not cherish time just the two of them? I can really sympathise with your not wanting to spend the day with your ILs but make sure you're not using your parents as an excuse.

Happy Christmas!

Poodles1980 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:45:03

The reason we have to take turns is because my mil is unreasonable and will throw a strop if we don't go. My dh is terrified to stand up to them because of their previous behaviour but at the Same time they are his parents so is difficult for him. Anyway my brother just phoned there and he is going to be able to get home so my mum is going to do christmas for us all on Christmas Eve instead.

Delurkedforthis Tue 17-Dec-13 11:47:18


I hope you and your brother and partners will be helping your DM!!!

Ephiny Tue 17-Dec-13 11:49:41

You don't have to do anything. Go to your mum's if you want to, or stay home if you prefer, or whatever you want. You're an adult, aren't you?

Let your MIL 'throw a strop' if she wants. What does that have to do with you?

Poodles1980 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:53:43

Ha I'm loving the fact that I am getting the talking to that I actually need. Thanks all

friday16 Tue 17-Dec-13 12:10:06

The reason we have to take turns is because my mil is unreasonable and will throw a strop if we don't go.

So what? Let her strop. You don't buy your child an ice cream just because they're having a tantrum in the shop, do you?

averywoomummy Tue 17-Dec-13 12:10:18

Personally I would invite both sets to my house and if PILs don't choose to come that is their decision. I can see that you have a tradition of taking it in turns but as adults we have to accept that sometimes circumstances change and things don't go to plan and this is one of those times.

It is your decision though and it is not for PILs to authorise you to do it!

You don't have to do anything. Go to your mum's if you want to, or stay home if you prefer, or whatever you want. You're an adult, aren't you?Let your MIL throw a strop if she wants. What does that have to do with you

About as much as OPs mothers feelings have to do with her DH, I would guess. Its a two-way street.

fgs families are not supposed to be a war zone.
We can all jump up and down and shout "I am doing what I like and sod the rest of you" but it does pay to remember that a bit of compromise now and then is not a down trodden option, but a pro-active way to keep life on a pleasant footing. Especially when it comes to respecting that your partner may actually like his family (and their way of celebrating Christmas) even if you don't
Or is this all coming from the DIL's that I didn't really think existed? ..... those women we hear about who deliberately exclude their MIL's. You know - the ones who favour their own parents and make no effort with the IL's?

Oh. Whoops. Maybe I should have put that on "things I would like to say, but....."

Ephiny Tue 17-Dec-13 16:25:22

Of course it's nice to compromise sometimes, and it's a good thing to consider other people's feelings etc. I don't think anyone is suggesting otherwise. But choosing to compromise is not the same thing as feeling you have to do something just because someone demands it or you're afraid of their reaction if you don't.

The OP mentions that she has to go to her MIL's. She doesn't. She may choose to go, either to keep the peace, or to accommodate her MIL's wishes, or to support her partner. But she doesn't have to. And that's important to realise, because it's only then that you can take control of your life and start making and owning your choices. The passive, resentful, martyr-ish 'I hate this but I HAVE to do it' mindset doesn't really serve anyone.

diddl Tue 17-Dec-13 16:33:18

"My dh is terrified to stand up to them because of their previous behaviour"

That's your problem!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now