to be upset that DP bought himself expensive gift without discussing it?

(136 Posts)
CosyTeaBags Sun 15-Dec-13 21:01:17

I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years, lived together for the last 2 years.

Last week it was his 40th birthday. We had a couple of friends over for dinner to celebrate, and when they arrived they presented DP with a 'gift'.

It turned out to be a £2k Rolex watch that DP has bought a a present for himself, which his friend (a fellow watch collector) has been looking after for him until his birthday, and his wife had gift wrapped for DP as a nice gesture.

I knew nothing about this at all, and had to ask several times, in front of our friends, what was happening - I didn't understand whether our friend had bought it for him, gone halves on it, whatever. I knew nothing at all, while our 2 friends knew all about it.

Now, I don't mind at all what DP spends his money on, it's his money, we have no DCs, each financially independent etc. BUT AIBU to think that he ought to have discussed this with me first, and not made me feel like a total idiot in front of our friends when I knew nothing about it?

I have told him that I feel that he doesn't consider us a partnership, that he ought to have told me about this first, and that I am hurt that he didn't consider my opinion on something as important as this.

He said he 'just forgot' that he had bought it... but on further pressing, he said he thought I would talk him out of it... so one of those versions isn't the truth hmm

I should add that he is usually a wonderful partner, we are currently TTC, and hope to get married someday. However, this isn't the first time he has done something like this - last Christmas he just announced that he had ordered a £1k massive TV without discussing it with me...

I am pretty sensitive about stuff like this, as my Ex was a total commitment phobe and never considered my opinion on anything to do with his life, so I just feel a little hurt and insecure.

AIBU??

formerbabe Sun 15-Dec-13 21:04:09

YANBU

I am so confused as to why you would buy yourself a present, give it to a friend to look after, wrap up and give to you?!

What would he say if YOU did the same thing? Personally, I'd hit the roof, but we can't afford 2k for a "toy" so it's probably a bit different anyway.

RandomMess Sun 15-Dec-13 21:06:28

It does very slightly depends on your financial circumstances. I wouldn't think twice about spending £100 on me without discussing it with dh because we could afford it/that would be okay between us.

What percentage of his monthly spare income is £2k?

onedev Sun 15-Dec-13 21:06:56

I'm on the fence - I think it's his money & he can spend it how he wants so buying expensive watches or TVs is fine (I bought myself a £1000 TagHeuer watch for my 30th). However I think he is totally wrong to include his friends but not include you - I find that very strange, hence me being on the fence! Sorry, not much help!

MammaTJ Sun 15-Dec-13 21:07:13

YANBU. Before you TTC you need this sorted, otherwise it will take away from your DC. Either financially, or emotionally, if he decides he cane buy them big gifts without involving you.

If you had not said you were TTC, I would not have thought this such a big deal.

BananaNotPeelingWell Sun 15-Dec-13 21:08:49

sad I would find that very strange and upsetting and would also have felt hurt being the only one at the gathering not in on the whole thing.

onedev Sun 15-Dec-13 21:09:04

Should add that I think it's ok as I'm assuming he can afford it (& hasn't put you / he in any financial dire straits by spending this way).

emsyj Sun 15-Dec-13 21:12:04

I would be surprised if DH did this, but not angry - we could afford it and he rarely spends money on himself so I would be quite pleased for him if he bought himself something nice for once.

It is a bit more concerning that he didn't tell you about it though. I wouldn't expect DH to 'ask permission' but I imagine if he was going to spend that amount of money he would talk to me about it generally beforehand - more in a 'I like this watch' sort of way than anything else. Although he wouldn't ever buy a Rolex - he wants a Patek Phillipe(!)

I note that you say you're TTC and 'hope to get married some day'. There have been a lot of threads on here recently from posters saying their DP had been with them for years, had DCs etc and then decided they didn't want to get married. If marriage is important to you, I would suggest you discuss this and firm up exactly when this is going to happen before you have children. I know that isn't the point of the thread, but if your DP is starting to do surprising things that suggest he's still in a 'single man' frame of mind, perhaps something to think about.

Bearbehind Sun 15-Dec-13 21:13:47

Very weird. On one hand I think that it's his money so whatever but getting his friends to give him the watch is proper strange. It's like he thinks some mythical third party has really bought it and that would freak me out.

brettgirl2 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:13:52

yabu he can buy what he wants as long as he has the money. Some people spend money on a holiday or party for 40th he wanted a watch. Is the real issue that you are shocked at him spending that much money and are wonderung if you are compatible?

NearTheWindmill Sun 15-Dec-13 21:15:17

It depends on your financial circumstances. My DH made an offer on a house for us to live in for the next 30 years 12 months ago without telling me in advance and I hadn't seen it either. I had the final veto though but I went along with him.

Joysmum Sun 15-Dec-13 21:15:42

Depends how the finances work in your home?

In ours, it wouldn't be an issue because we have disposable income and neither of us spend much on what we want do if we wanted something, that's all the other person needs to know and would support.

However, even if the spend itself wasn't a problem, I'd feel the same about it as you are lack of partnership re not knowing about it. I would be hugely pissed off at that.

superzero Sun 15-Dec-13 21:15:54

YANBU.
I wouldn't have a problem with him spending the money ,providing he can afford it,but he has made you look stupid in front of his friends and I would have felt humiliated.
I can see why he might have kept the purchase a secret in case you did try to talk him out of it but once he had paid for it and it was a done deal,he should have told you.His friend could still have presented it at the dinner but you wouldn't have been left out.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 15-Dec-13 21:16:03

Well it all depends what 2k means to you really doesn't it. In our house, a purchase over about £30 would need to be discussed. But if we were better off (and we have been) then not so much.

Did he know his friends were going to wrap the watch? was it a significant purchase (i can't imagine spending that on a watch, but 2k isn't that much fora rolex is it?) is it genuine?

If we had loads of disposable income then 2k woldnt be a big deal? maybe that is where he is with it - he sounds like a geek (in the nicest possible way)

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:16:20

YABU - it's his money.

Fair enough he should discuss it with you if he was funding it from a joint account - but he wasn't.

And why complain about the telly?
I'd love it if my DH came home with a swanky telly bought out of his own money that I could enjoy smile

Why should he need to ask your permission before he is allowed to buy something he wants??

JollySantersSelectionBox Sun 15-Dec-13 21:16:39

Not really concerned re the money if it is his, and you aren't married, and you aren't supporting him.

My DH would never tell me how to spend my cash. And perhaps he thought it was the last single man indulgence purchase to himself before he commits his earnings to children?

He might also be treating it as an heirloom for his kids? It won't go down in value I imagine.

What I would be sad about is the lack of communication. He's always dreamt of a £2000 Rolex and never mentioned it to you? sad

Christelle2207 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:17:01

Yanbu. My husband doesn't have to ask me if it's ok to spend money on something like this but I would expect him to mention/discuss it eg he mentioned recently that he was thinking of getting a new phone for £500.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 15-Dec-13 21:21:16

Have you agreed how your finances will work if you do have a baby? I don't see much wrong in having separate finances if you don't have children but if he's got form for making extravagant purchases autonomously I would be slightly concerned...

Yanbu, what a selfish entitled man, not only buying himself an expensive gift but also for not discussing it with you first! £2k is a lot of money to most people, but even if this was just a drop in the ocean, he still did wrong from keeping this from you.

fay144 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:26:59

I can't decide if YABU or not.

Prior to TTC myself, I would have spent large sums of money on hobby things without discussing with DH, and vice versa, as our money was separate. I would normally have mentioned in passing that I was getting X item after I'd ordered it, but not necessarily what it cost.

When we decided to TTC though, we spent a lot of time discussing how we were going to manage our finances from now on, and jointed up our spending a lot more (pooling savings, bills, etc, but keeping separate spending money each month). I wouldn't be happy in your situation as it sounds like you might have different expectations of how you are going to handle your money in future.

Killinascullion Sun 15-Dec-13 21:27:31

Sounds like he's still living life as a singleton as he's certainly not thinking he's part of your team.

Why would his friends be in on the secret but not you? I would be wary of having children until you resolve this.

littlewhitechristmasbag Sun 15-Dec-13 21:29:13

It is a bit strange he didn't tell you. My DH bought himself a Mont Blanc watch for his 50th but i knew he had bought it and was glad for him to have it.

BananaNotPeelingWell Sun 15-Dec-13 21:30:21

Spending his money wouldnt be my main concern (although I still think it's odd and secretive not to mention large purhases whatsoever). Making me feel foolish or uncomfortable would be the problem for me.

daisychain01 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:31:55

Just a personal opinion, but I would feel upset by this, if I were in your shoes CosyTeaBags. The "smoke-and-mirrors" with the friend sounds dodgy and it must have made you feel really embarrassed being the last one to know. Not nice.

I earn more than my DP at certain times of the year, but our attitude to money is that we earn it, we share it and the decisions around it. I can't imagine splashing out on £2k's worth of anything, Not without a chat about it. It isn't about asking permission, its just respect.

Very good advice upthread to talk about the whole situation, including money and getting married. Maybe a conversation you havent yet had, but its worth getting out in the open.

Mamafratelli Sun 15-Dec-13 21:32:55

Would he be bothered if you spent a big amount on yourself? I think he knew you wouldn't approve so did it in secret. Does he think you are a bit controlling?

MerryMarigold Sun 15-Dec-13 21:33:16

YANBU. It is not his money. In a partnership it is joint money. If he has done this before, and you brought up, then he KNOWS and he still chose to do it. Please do not ttc with him. I would avoid with barge pole. Selfish comes to mind. Does not mix well with kids.

WilsonFrickett Sun 15-Dec-13 21:33:47

My DH bought himself an equally expensive watch from an inheritance. No problem with me, it was 'his' money to do what he liked with. But we discussed it first and at length. I don't think he was U to buy the watch, but the way he went about it was weird and I'd be having a big chat about how you'd like big purchases handled in the future...

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Sun 15-Dec-13 21:33:50

You need to discuss how finances will work and reach an agreement before you get pregnant!
But while you are just two individuals not sharing money or anything i dont think he needs to get your view/ok on his purchases. There was no reason for you to feel daft.
I bought myself a stupidly expensive watch to show people that i can afford a stupidly expensive watch

oh. Thats nice dear.

But as said before for gods sake make sure all arrangements are properly sorted before you get pregnant.
Read through some of the threads from women with little or no access to money struggling to pay for everything for the child they share while the bloke swans around with His Money.

GinOnTwoWheels Sun 15-Dec-13 21:35:16

YANBU. The whole charade of wrapping it up when he had bought it himself was bizarre. Was he hoping that you wouldn't find out what it cost?

Does he currently contribute fairly to household expenses or does he spend most of his money on himself?

You definitely need to agree on finances and whether one of you will SAH or how childcare will be organised and paid for before having children.

I've always found people who spend £££s on watches a bit odd TBH. After all, any old watch tells the time and you could get a really nice one for a couple of hundred tops, so spending the price of a car or great holiday seems so unnecessarily extravagant.

whois Sun 15-Dec-13 21:35:16

I think it's strange and not very nice the way he hid it with a friend and made you feel foolish.

But I don't per se have a problem with him buying himself something expensive without discussing it with you. You have no DCs, aren't married and are financially independent. Same situation as with my DP and I would be pissed off if he thought to say I couldn't have something without discussing it with him first!

TheMuppetsSingChristmas Sun 15-Dec-13 21:36:09

DO NOT ttc with a man who is secretive about his spending and his finances - you are insane if you go ahead under those conditions.

daisychain01 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:36:33

I suppose in the grand scheme of things £2000 isnt a lot for a Rolex, so to his credit, he didnt go for the top of the range smile

NearTheWindmill Sun 15-Dec-13 21:36:52

We do spend sums without discussing them though. DH usually on investments but he has told ds, for example, he can go on a £2500 rugby tour and hasn't discussed it with me. Likewise I bought two sofas (4k) without discussing with him. But we think similarly about spending and have never argued about money. It's the business with the chums that would worry me - that does seem a bit tacky. But, if your DH had spent that £2k on you; would you have the same problem? And would he spend a similar amount on you as on himself?

Ninasaurus Sun 15-Dec-13 21:37:45

Yabu you have separate finances so why are you even upset? confused

If you do decide to share finances discuss this sort of thing then.

MerryFuckingChristmas Sun 15-Dec-13 21:39:17

you are ttc'ing with this secretive man who "might marry you one day" ?

really ?

I predict rocky times ahead for you sad

lostdomain Sun 15-Dec-13 21:39:23

It's a bit bizarre. I'd worry that he might carry on doing stuff like that once you had DC, which could be very frustrating or even put you in a precarious position financially if you drop down to one salary. It suggests he's a bit immature and there's a lack of communication and trust, as well as a lack of similar vision on the key issue of money.
Hmm

He left you out of a major financial decision and his friends colluded with it.

It's something I'd be unhappy about , what if they do it again?

Ninasaurus Sun 15-Dec-13 21:40:20

Oh just saw the ttc part.

Put ttc on hold straight away until you have a conversation re finances, maternity leave/child care plans etc

GhettoPrincess001 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:41:41

What ? I find the whole, 'his friends gave him his own present' thing confusing. Two grand on a Rolex ? Birthday or no birthday where's his priorities ?

He's secretive about money and/or spending. As you've already been advised, do not start a family with this deceitful manchild.

GhettoPrincess001 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:45:48

Hang on, the penny has just dropped. He deliberately hid it from you so you couldn't/wouldn't, 'make a scene' on his birthday. Regarding the present and the cost of it.

I assume these are the friends he might stay with if he walks out in the future after you've had a row. I don't have a, 'group support' marriage. There's no one either of us could stay with if either of us walked out.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 15-Dec-13 21:47:34

I would be very pissed off that he'd made me look like a complete twat infront of our friends (mind you, that depends, my friends would think he had made himself look like a right twat!).

He bought the TV without discussing it as well. Now that impacts on your home, your life, your surroundings - and yet he still didn't discuss it with you. How on earth is that reasonable?

I think you need to have a good think about things (and use some contraception). He LIED to you - he lied to you about it so that you wouldn't 'nag', you couldn't influence his decision and well... because he could. He doesn't care about your feelings or have any respect for you does he? He's not the sort of man I'd be TTC with - sorry.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 15-Dec-13 21:48:26

YABU.

You have completely separate finances. He can spend his money on whatever he likes.

I presume that as you're TTC you've already had a talk about how your finances will work, how your mat leave will be financed, how childcare is paid for, whether one of you will go part time once a baby arrives, etc?

I agree with putting ttc aside whilst you sort this out, will you have separate finances once your child arrives?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Sun 15-Dec-13 21:50:56

So...why did his friends have to bring it and present it to him???

Odd. Most odd.

Corygal Sun 15-Dec-13 22:20:32

What does he spend on you? Buying himself expensive presents is fine if he pays his way and treats you in grand style too.

But if you got a pair of gloves for your birthday, beware.

LittleBearPad Sun 15-Dec-13 22:29:37

Buying the watch isn't too bad if he can afford it without impacting household cash. But the friends being involved, wrapping etc is weird. I wouldn't like the secretiveness. Would much prefer him to have told you as soon as he bought it. As it is it feels odd.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 15-Dec-13 22:43:57

As your finance are separate he can spend his money how he like.

LittlePeaPod Sun 15-Dec-13 22:44:58

I think you are right to be upset that you werent aware he had bought this and found out this way. He should have told you he had bought it. However as you say that you are both financially independent then as long as his pulling his weight financially (bills etc.) then he can do what he likes with the rest of his money/savings. As you can with yours.

DH and I are both financially independent and I would hate to have to explain/discuss with him how I spend my spare cash. I wouldn't expect him to explain himself to me.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable in buying themselves a gift if they can afford it from their own money, but your partner has deliberately obfuscated the circumstances around this, and that, for me is a big red flag.

FunnyFestiveTableRunner Sun 15-Dec-13 22:48:43

YANBU to find it weird he went to such elaborate lengths to keep the gift from you. That's the bizarre bit. You might want to make sure you really are on the same page about finances before you have children.

Screamqueen Sun 15-Dec-13 22:53:18

Im another not getting the wrapping up thing, very odd!

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 15-Dec-13 22:55:08

YABU with regards to what he spends his earnings on, presumably he still paid his share of the bills.

As for hiding it from you, im on the fence as you sound controlling and he is not a child.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sun 15-Dec-13 23:07:23

It's the not being open and honest in the sense of putting you in a strangely awkward position that I hink is v v odd. It sounds manipulative and unpleasant and I would be pissed off too.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 15-Dec-13 23:11:37

What a weird way he had about getting the present. He wanted it all nice and wrapped so he could pretend it was a gift even though he bought it himself?
How very childish.

Caitlin17 Sun 15-Dec-13 23:14:39

I can understand giving it to his friends to kspendp so he gets to wear it for the first time on his birthday. He might not trust himself to keep it until the day.

Whilst I wouldn't spend £2000 on a watch as it wouldn't interest me I don't discuss my expensive, personal purchases with my own money with OH.

rootypig Sun 15-Dec-13 23:14:45

To all up thread overreacting, read the bloody OP, the friend was involved in buying it, he's a watch expert. Hardly "smoke and mirrors".

OP, YABU. Is he still honouring the in financial arrangement you have? Paying his share? That is what is key. Either you have separate finances or you don't. Which is it?

Caitlin17 Sun 15-Dec-13 23:15:22

to keep safe,(stupid phone)

Snowbility Sun 15-Dec-13 23:15:40

I see having a baby as a bigger commitment than marriage so yes I do think this is something you need to talk about. Dh would have done this in the early stages of our relationship without thought, but there was nothing behind it other than wanting something, having enough cash and buying it. It's important to agree a approach to money issues...it can cause big problems in a relationship.

rootypig Sun 15-Dec-13 23:21:03

Ok I need to take my own advice blush. Sorry. Seem to be really riled up tonight!

Still, think people are projecting a joint finance / DC scenario onto the OP.

OP, to be more helpful, you need to discuss your insecurities and the fact that your financial arrangement isn't working for you at the emotional level with your DP, before you have a child

lapetitesiren Mon 16-Dec-13 06:20:31

The alarm bells are ringing loud and clear with the fact you had to ask several times. Its so disrespectful to leave you in the dark feeling like an idiot. Its controlling. Did he really by it himself or is it a gift from someone you don' t know about but his friends do. Whatever play he is in you need to be the leading lady not a bit part extra. Is he secretive in other ways?

SatinSandals Mon 16-Dec-13 07:22:12

The problem is that you seem to have very different opinions on finances and it is something to sort out before you make deeper commitments.

ZillionChocolate Mon 16-Dec-13 07:23:15

The secret keeping is weird/wrong. It suggests he does not respect you or trust you.

Even if you are conpletely self sufficient financially and would be while pregnant, I have serious concerns about you having a baby with him. Given that you are unmarried, you have no financial protection at all.

NearTheWindmill Mon 16-Dec-13 08:14:54

Went to sleep thinking about this. Issue 1: trying to conceive and hoping he might marry you at some stage in the future. That needs sorting straight away - if he hasn't the commitment to marry you now; he won't have the commitment to become a family.

Issue 2: the watch - it's isn't really about the watch I don't think; it's about the lack of commitment to you which links to issue 1.

Issue 3: financial arrangements - if it's an issue to buy a £2k watch then presumably it wasn't an easy out of excess monthly income sort of purchase but rather a bigger one. In those circumstances if he's totally committed to you and wants you to share everything in his life then he would have included you in the decision. He didn't so for me that links straight back to issue 1 and raises Issue 4:

If £2k is a big spend made with consultation when you are trying to have a baby is there actually enough sensible responsibility here to make the baby decision viable. If £2k means a lot and will take months to save then that would be money better spent on nursery stuff and/or put aside for maternity leave, etc. Which links back again to issue 1.

AKAK81 Mon 16-Dec-13 08:16:38

Are you sure it was only 2k? Sounds a bit cheap to me - must be crap Rolex otherwise! I hate the things - I'd find the extra cash and get a cheap used Patak Philippe.

WooWooOwl Mon 16-Dec-13 08:22:43

I don't think he has done anything wrong unless you have discussed how you will manage big purchases and he has gone against something you both agreed to. But it sounds like it's your expectation that he should have discussed it with you that's the problem, not the fact that he spent his own money on himself.

This is one of those situations where being married has a benefit, because when you plan a marriage, people tend to take the time to discuss how they want these things to work after they are married.

As it is, you don't really have any solid commitment to each other, and he is free to spend his money how he wants, as are you.

Oriunda Mon 16-Dec-13 08:51:30

Sorry but can't see the problem. You have separate finances and no DC. Am further presuming your partner can afford it. He asked his friend, a watch expert, to help buy it and that may explain how it is so cheap (all depends on the model/condition of course) if the friend helped negotiate a discount.

Yes, it's a bit sad he didn't discuss with you, but more from the point of view that he obviously feels you would have said no (which possibly means he sees you as the controlling one?).

rootypig Mon 16-Dec-13 08:54:51

Good post Oriunda

LittlePeaPod Mon 16-Dec-13 09:04:10

I keep thinking about this and wondering how I would feel if my DH got annoyed because I spent my extra disposable income on something (large purchase or not) after all household financial responsiblities where taken care of. Actually I would feel like he was been controlling probably tell him to kiss my rear. grin

As long as your joint household financial responsibilities are paid then what's the problem? Yes he should have told you but like others have said he probably knew you would not be supportive, even though it is his extra disposable income. I would see it different,y if you relied on him financially but you have already said you are both financially independent.

And for those saying you cant get a Rolex for c.£2K. Yes you can. It's probably one of the entry level steel Rolex watches or possibly refurb second hand or a great deal from his dealer friend.

AKAK81 Mon 16-Dec-13 09:10:36

I never said you couldn't but it is very cheap. Of course it's second hand. Most used ones start from about 4k so I think I'd be wanting to see a receipt.

peggyundercrackers Mon 16-Dec-13 09:14:24

YABU - it was his money, he could afford it. why would he think you would try and talk him out of it? do you often tell him what he can spend his money on? hmm

CosyTeaBags Mon 16-Dec-13 10:32:43

Sorry to disappear on my own thread - was sitting with DP all evening, so couldn't really contribute any more!!

It seems that there's a real mix of opinions here, between thinking IABU and IANBU. Thanks everyone for the views.

To answer some of the questions - Yes, we can afford it, so there's no real impact on our finances to spend this much on a watch. That is fine. It is something he has always wanted, and he wanted to treat himself for his 40th birthday.

The real issue was me not knowing, and feeling a fool in front of our friends. That, and what it says about how he sees our relationship - I feel that if he doesn't feel the need to discuss something like this with me, he doesn't see us as a real 'team'. He did say that he thought I might talk him out of it if he told me - we are both pretty careful with money, and he rarely spends money on himself. I think he felt a bit indulgent buying this watch, and didn't want to hear any reasoning against it to put him off. As it is, I'm happy that he has treated himself - but feel that it has been tainted by him hiding it from me.

The thing with the friends was innocent enough - his friend collects these watches, and DP bought it from his friend, at what I now realize is a considerably reduced price. So in effect, it was partly a gift from his friend, who then agreed to keep it for him until his birthday. Friend's wife wrapped it as a sort of joke.

Re our financial set up - I live in DPs house. He pays for everything, except I pay for all the food bills. I own my own house, which we use as a weekend home and I pay for everything there. DP earns more than me, and I have offered on many occasions to contribute more to the house, but he's happy the way things are. I have raised the suggestion of a joint house account, but he's not really interested.

Yes we are TTC - but there are complications, both of us have fertility issues and so we don't really have any time to waste as we could be facing a long road of fertility treatment as it is. So I think one of the reasons we haven't really discussed what happens with our finances if a baby comes along is that we're both scared to believe it could ever really happen for us. We are both of a 'cross that bridge if it happens' kind of mindset.

My DP is a wonderful partner, we are very happy together. He's a good man who would certainly not leave me in the lurch BUT this issue does make me nervous.

I think it has just highlighted the fact that he does still see himself as independent, he doesn't consider my input important on his major financial decisions. It also reminds me that there is no real commitment between us, and that frightens me a lot.

I think we need to set up a joint account for both houses, and start living like a real partnership. That way, if a baby does come along, there will be no issues around who pays for what etc.

We talked about this last night - I told him I was hurt and felt insecure about the commitment if he could just go and do something like this and not consider discussing it with me. He said he was very sorry, he made a mistake and didn't mean to hurt me.

I'm still pissed off, but I need to let it go now, don't I....

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Mon 16-Dec-13 10:50:23

Yes, you do need to let it go but i can see why you are feeling insecure. TTC is a pretty huge commitment though, the biggest commitment in my mind. You are in a really good position, you both have houses - lovely to have the weekend home. As for the joint accounts - i'm not sure it would be more than a complication, you clearly both have enough money and the set up you have regarding money is working just now. When the baby comes along you will possibly be a SAHM or on mat leave - maybe there would be a shift then?

WooWooOwl Mon 16-Dec-13 11:10:25

Having a baby is a big commitment, but it's a commitment to a child, not to another adult. People can be good parents without even being on speaking terms with the person they created their children with sadly.

MerryMarigold Mon 16-Dec-13 11:15:53

Woowoo, I disagree. Part of committing to the child is committing to the other person in the knowledge that a secure relationship between parents will be best. Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way, and yes you can be a great parent despite that. But I would be questioning the parenting of someone who went ahead with kids, without a solid commitment to each other - whether that be expressed by vows, or financial cohesion, whatever.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Mon 16-Dec-13 11:24:41

No, actually, I don't think you need to let it go.

He obviously sees it as you living in his house and then him going to your house. He doesn't see one as 'home' and one as 'holiday' - that tells you a lot. He has made that clear by not wanting to share expenses of both and by going out and buying a massive, expensive TV which dominates a room, without discussing it with you (unless it's in his study or something?).

If he pays the bills 'on his house' and you pay the bills 'on your house' why are you paying for all the food and why are you offering to pay more?

He lied to you, to prevent you from stopping him doing something - red flag.

He kept it a secret and made you look like an idiot - not even answering your question when you asked him what was going on.

There is much more to 'living as a team/partnership/couple' than just getting him to agree to a joint account. That's putting the cart before the horse - the feeling needs to be there first, the bank account should come naturally from that.

WooWooOwl Mon 16-Dec-13 11:27:50

I see where you're coming from, and that's the way my ex and I view it because we are committed to parenting with each other as well as being committed to our children.

But it often doesn't work out because people don't plan and discuss these things before they have children, and I think if more people planned marriages before having children, then some of the problems they have wouldn't exist.

There have been loads of threads on her where people have felt the need to question an OP with 'didn't you think about that before you had children' because sadly a lot of people don't think about how things will work in the future. They assume that their partner will want the same as them because they have never indicated otherwise, but then they have never bothered to have the discussion to find out.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Mon 16-Dec-13 11:29:16

I think if he wants to buy a 2k watch and he has the money then that's up to him but making you look a fool in front of your friends is not acceptable. I would have been really mad about that!

CosyTeaBags Mon 16-Dec-13 11:53:44

I think this has brought up a lot more about the commitment issue really.

I am very insecure about commitment - my ex was a true commitment phobe (he kept bin bags full of brand new homeware stuff at his mothers for the whole 3 years he lived with me 'just in case' he ever needed them. Which he did, when he walked out on me out of the blue one day). My DP is divorced, and pretty scarred by that experience. My sister is a control freak, forced commitment with her own StbExH, and has always 'told' me I ought to do the same thing - so I've done the opposite.

So my perception of what is right, and what I should and shouldn't put up with is pretty skewed when it comes to commitment.

DP and I have been TTC for 6 months or so, and that is (my) our main focus. But I do tell him I want to get married, and he assures me that we will one day. But there is an unsettling kneejerk reaction of discomfort, dismiss it all as a joke thing, laugh it off etc that I am all to familiar with from my Ex. It makes me uncomfortable.

He obviously sees it as you living in his house and then him going to your house. He doesn't see one as 'home' and one as 'holiday' - that tells you a lot. He has made that clear by not wanting to share expenses of both and by going out and buying a massive, expensive TV which dominates a room, without discussing it with you (unless it's in his study or something?). Yes, this is absolutely true. (and the TV is in the living room, which it completely dominates - I totally hate it)

I am very wary of demanding equality, in case he sees it as money grabbing - I would have a lot more to gain by us sharing finances than he would. I don't want to come across as trying to get my hands on an equal share of the house etc, particularly when he has already lost more than half his assets to one divorce.

All I want is to feel secure and committed and to know that he feels the same way.

Oriunda Mon 16-Dec-13 12:11:47

Tbh, if you are only using your house at the weekend, then the daily living expenses for your partner's house are presumably considerably higher - gas/elec/phone etc etc. If he is paying those then personally I think you have a good deal.

I would not muddy the waters by trying to merge houses/have joint accounts. Whilst I appreciate you are ttc/planning to marry, things can sadly go wrong in a relationship and to have a house in your sole name is much better for you. DH and I ttc (with fertility treatment) for 7 yrs before finally having DS after 2 miscarriages. You need to be incredibly strong as a couple and it can make or break you. DH owns the house we live in, whilst I own my flat where we lived previously, the rental of which provides me with an income. DH is a partner in a business and felt it better to have separate finances, just in case something went wrong. I feel protected having a property in my sole name.

I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I would let it go. He bought himself a nice watch to mark his 40th (with clearly his friend chipping in by giving him a reduced price, so you could ague the gift is from them too). I can't see how the watch is 'tainted' and I would not try and spoil his pleasure in his new toy by letting it become a bone of contention.

Earningsthread Mon 16-Dec-13 12:27:44

The day that I finally qualified for my particular profession, I was walking in town to get a sandwich. I stopped in front of the fancy jewellery shop and looked at the watches. I then immediately and spontaneously decided to treat myself to a Cartier Santos. This was my decision and mine alone. I could afford it and I was celebrating what passing everything meant - to whit, my independence.

I would have been grievously upset had DP (then) DH (now) taken issue with it. Let it go. I don't even really understand why you are upset.

MaidOfStars Mon 16-Dec-13 12:41:59

Without sounding oblivious to the amount of money involved, was this really a major financial decision? That's all relative, isn't it? You can easily afford it with no major ramifications for your joint wealth, it was his disposable income that paid for it. I know for some people, it's a lot of money and genuinely represents a major financial decision. But for you, it doesn't really sound like it.

But the "friend/gift/scenario" would have thrown me slightly.

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 16-Dec-13 12:43:37

All I want is to feel secure and committed and to know that he feels the same way.

You won't get that just by hoping for it. It is spectacularly foolish to ttc in these circumstances. You will come to regret that one day when you are back on here and and moaning about living in an unequal relationship but tied down with a kid. You have been warned.

MerryMarigold Mon 16-Dec-13 14:58:27

There is much more to 'living as a team/partnership/couple' than just getting him to agree to a joint account. That's putting the cart before the horse - the feeling needs to be there first, the bank account should come naturally from that.

I totally agree, and also with your second post woowoo. You need to sort your relationship out before the kids. I know you have a time pressure, well then there is a time pressure to sort the relationship out.

It is a sad indication that he is willing to commit to a child with you, but not a bank account or a mortgage. I mean - eh?????

Darkesteyes Mon 16-Dec-13 14:59:45

Woo woo you are contradicting yourself You say that its ok for the OPs partner to do what he has done and then say that the reason these things dont work out is because these things arent planned or discussed. Well the fact that the OP posted here about it in the first place and has discussed it with her partner since show the opposite to be true.

MerryMarigold Mon 16-Dec-13 15:00:35

earningsthread, that's a really bizarre post. I mean, did you have to link the watch? [boast, boast]

MerryMarigold Mon 16-Dec-13 15:02:13

OP. I would ask him this question: what makes you feel ready to commit to a child with me? His answers may show him he is ready to commit to other things too, or that he is actually not ready to commit to a child.

sebsmummy1 Mon 16-Dec-13 15:10:54

Actually your thread is not dissimilar to something I could have written a year ago and I think it's less about the watch and more about how you feel within the relationship and the lack of team work.

Ideally you would like to get married and feel you have a commitment I imagine? Because he has not asked you you have bypassed that stage and jumped straight into TTC and you don't want to rock the boat because of how delicate your fertility situation is? I also suspect you are hoping that once a baby arrives you will be more of a family unit and will feel he is commuted to you both?

Am I right?

CosyTeaBags Mon 16-Dec-13 15:10:59

We have talked some more about it. He has apologized profusely and I'm feeling a lot better about things.

Thanks for everyone's wise words!

sebsmummy1 Mon 16-Dec-13 15:11:31

Committed

Madmammy83 Mon 16-Dec-13 15:11:45

As others have said, it's not the present I'd feel bad about, one person's £2k is another persons £50, if he can afford it then he's entitled to spend what he wants. The issue I'd have is that he specifically chose to exclude you.

I'd be inclined to knock the TTC on the head until you sort out where you both are, tbh. Sorry if that sounds dramatic but what happens if you get pregnant soon and need to get baby stuff - is he going to be off sneaking around buying himself Armani suits and gadgets without saying a word to you in case you tell him not to? He sounds a bit immature if you don't mind me saying.

YANBU.

CosyTeaBags Mon 16-Dec-13 15:17:18

And yes Sebsmummy you are 100% right.

He has promised that he will ask me to marry him soon. He's waiting for the right time. I don't doubt him on this, but I just have a little wobble from time to time.

I told him that the watch thing just made me feel left out of his decisions, not part of team etc. He agreed, and is very sorry it has made me feel like that.

We discussed the money situation, he says it's not a problem, he knows I earn less than him so doesn't want me out of pocket. He's about to start doing a load of work on my house, I said that it would be better if we 'co-owned' it so that he wouldn't be out of pocket. He said it was fine, it didn't have to be about what is mine and what is his - it's all part of 'us' anyway.

I asked him straight out if he was sure he wanted to TTC with me. He said yes, 100% sure. We have a huge back story here which I'm not going to go into, but I know he means it when he says he's sure.

It just made me wobble that's all.

CosyTeaBags Mon 16-Dec-13 15:21:50

I pointed out that if we did have a baby, I would be relying on him financially, and unable to contribute.

He said he fully accepts that once we have a child, he will be supporting us both financially and this isn't a problem.

Without a marriage contract, I just have to trust him on this one. He's an honourable man, I don't have any reason whatsoever to think he would leave me in the lurch.

It does make you feel vulnerable though. But my priority at the moment is TTC, if I'm ever lucky enough to be in the position to have a child, I'll be over the moon and happy with my lot whatever it may be.

sebsmummy1 Mon 16-Dec-13 15:39:20

I know your situation as I'm in it myself.

I can tell you you will feel no more secure if you have a baby with him. I certainly don't. I also have no assurance that my partner will marry me, although we did discuss it when we found out I was pregnant.

You cannot force someone to commit to you. Perhaps you could in days gone by, but not now, they have to want to. Personally I love my son to pieces and he is my priority. My partner adores my son and I know he would never hurt a hair on his head or see him in a negative position be it emotionally or fiscally, so that allows me to sleep at night.

CosyTeaBags Mon 16-Dec-13 15:58:06

Sebsmummy that sounds very familiar.

My DP knows that I want to get married - but of course, that means that while he can feel totally secure, because he knows how I feel - I carry on feeling insecure because he holds all the cards.

I'm reluctant to push it, I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to ask him myself because of various reasons. But I don't like feeling like this either.

Men are so bloody thick sometimes - (sorry, generalization and sexism alert). He says he doesn't want to argue about it, of course he wants to marry me etc... but then he does nothing. If he doesn't want to argue, why the hell doesn't he just do it then - and I would be deliriously happy, he would be happy, everyone would be happy... aaaargh!

sebsmummy1 Mon 16-Dec-13 16:08:49

I'm afraid i don't think he will ask you to marry him as he has no need to risk his financial future for something he already has.

CosyTeaBags Mon 16-Dec-13 16:13:44

But isn't that the same for every co-habiting couple?

Aaargh, we had a major wobble this time last year as well, I think Christmas brings out all the flaws and makes you really look at your relationships.

The last thing I need is another crisis. He assures me he wants to marry me, I just need to shut up, see what happens over Christmas, and tackle the issue if it's still not resolved in the new year.

sebsmummy1 Mon 16-Dec-13 16:47:15

Cosy I wouldn't say its the same for every co-habiting couple no. In many households neither couple want to marry. In some households both want to marry but don't have the finances to do it as they have children/too many other commitments. In other households there are two people jointly and equally contributing to the household and perhaps an expectation that marriage will come before the couple have children.

In your situation you have a relationship where one person is fully committed (you). Your partner is telling you he has commitment in mind but is actively doing zero to signify this. You are jumping straight into TTC because time is of the essence and hoping for the best down the line.

I get it. But where we seem to differ is I have no expectation of marriage in my future as my partner has already been burnt financially by his significant ex and has told me he will never fully trust another woman. He is the one that has brought assets to the table and has a significant inheritance in his future. I have my own fairly sizeable savings but no property, the house we live in is in my partners name only.

We have had one huge row about this where I had to sign some papers to pretty much call myself a guest in the family house, and I went bat-shit CRAZY at him. I threw everything I felt at him and I think he was quite shocked at just how angry I was, but then I calmed down and here we are.

So what I am saying to you is be prepared for the status quo to stay the same. There is no incentive really for him to change it. What benefit would it cause him exactly?

Darkesteyes Mon 16-Dec-13 16:59:28

sebs why have you got to pay the price for what HE says an ex did.

sebsmummy1 Mon 16-Dec-13 17:14:19

Because the alternative is I leave, or get resentful, or I suppose pressurise him into something I want him to do as opposed to let him decide himself.

I honestly am at peace with it.

The ex took a large amount of money from the sale of their jointly owned house and he had to take significant legal proceedings to get a chunk of it back. He was actually very dignified throughout the process and has never once said a bad word against her. He just can't believe he was actively betrayed by someone he spent nearly two decades with. So I do understand the trust thing.

I don't want OP to hang on her partners every word in terms if marriage, it's far healthier to assume they will continue as they are and actively TTC knowing their child will benefit from both if them financially and emotionally. Or else stop TTC until the OP gets the commitment she desires.

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 16-Dec-13 17:40:20

What's this "he promises to ask me to marry him very soon"

I am sorry love, but your desperation for a baby (been there) has made you take leave of your senses.

He's not going to ask you to marry him. He would have done it by now if he wanted to. What is this "right time" he is waiting for ?. You choose the wedding date carefully, not the decision to do it when you have already "promised" to

is this like a 2 stage wedding proposal...he is committed to asking you some time soon, except it stalls forever at stage 1

you are being incredibly naive

if marriage is what you want, I am afraid you are going to have to stop hoping and accept if you do get pregnant you will be up the financial shit creek without a paddle

that may suit you (as in you want a baby at any cost to your own security) but it's not exactly the best situation to bring a child into

he is all talk...if he won't marry you then you are would be very very foolish to just trust him to look after you and a baby going off his behaviour so far

CosyTeaBags Mon 16-Dec-13 17:58:16

Fair point Merry you may well be right, except he's happy to discuss marriage plans etc, says he definitely will marry me, and just tells me he wants to ask me properly.

I may be naive but I want a proposal that I will remember, not one that has come about because I've put pressure on him.

Sebsmummy my situation sounds incredibly similar to yours. My DP was burnt by his ex wife, she took way more than her fair share, which he didn't fight her for. But this "has told me he will never fully trust another woman." - I would find that very difficult to accept, I hope your DP can find it in himself to trust you and not tar you with the same brush as his ex.

I do sometimes think that I'm paying for my DPs ex's indiscretions - in that he shared everything with her and she crapped all over him, and now he is unwilling to share (financially) with me. I will not accept that in the long term though, something has to change.

I also feel that if my DP shared a ring, and a marriage with his horrible ex wife, then he owes it to me to do the same and more.

NearTheWindmill Mon 16-Dec-13 18:01:28

Oh dear. Why would he marry you? He has it all. You live at his with no commitment from him. You do most of what he wants without consultation. Everything that's his is his with the convenience of woman on hand. You have your own home so he need not feel guilty. He has the key to the candy store.

FGS get your own key - go and live in your own home and if he wants to see you he can ask you. If he wants youi to live with him, do it on your terms with a proposal and date set and forget the baby business until you have that.

Put the ball in his court and remember you have a lot going for you - you are a good catch and there are probably better fish in the sea. But you wonalt find one in your current set up. Even if you dopn't you deserve to be at peace and to set your own agenda.

Don't carry on letting him have his cake and eat it. Take back control - you might get a nice surprise. Just don't get pg in this set up - not fair on anyone.

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 16-Dec-13 18:26:21

There is nothing naive about not wanting a proposal that you have to push him into. He's not going to do it though, unless you issue him with threats.

is this what you wanted for your future self ?

BelaLugosisShed Mon 16-Dec-13 18:52:02

Is there anything more depressing (or demeaning) than a woman actively waiting and hoping for a proposal? Why has he got to propose? Why does he get to decide the future path for your joint lives?

What's stopping you from saying, "right , I want to get married next year, have you got a date/location in mind?"

pigletmania Mon 16-Dec-13 19:02:21

Op I feel you are desarate for a baby, despite everything, and are really ignoring a few red flags in te relationship. Yes it's fine tat he bought himself an expensive watch, he can afford it, an its for a special birthday, but it's not ok fr him to make a fool of you in front of people. He should have even completely honest, t same with the TV. That would be concerning. You want to get married, he is not sure, is another concerning issue. Why t hell are you keeping a house you don't live in, it might be sensible if you were both committed, to pool your resources and buy a house together. Would he do that! If not I would seriously think about your real tionship before you bring neither human being into it!

Ephiny Mon 16-Dec-13 19:02:55

I wouldn't be bothered about the present thing, but it sounds like that's sorted out now anyway smile

I don't get the 'promising to ask you to marry him' thing at all though. If he knows you want to get married, what is there to ask? confused

Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you. If he did, it wouldn't have to be so complicated, there wouldn't be all these delaying tactics.

I think it's quite naive as well to say " I don't have any reason whatsoever to think he would leave me in the lurch." - most people don't, that doesn't stop it happening!

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Mon 16-Dec-13 19:09:12

please keep your finances seperate.

don't open a joint account

don't co-own YOUR house

if you want to co-own his house n- that's up to you

but if you do conceive, i promise you, life will be wildly different, the pressures of parenthood cannot be over stated, people change, mothers and fathers alike and not always for the better

I am not a pessimist i promist you - i am pragmatic, you need to think o yourself

if he pays for everything now, fine, let him, save your money. keep yourself financially independant

Ninasaurus Mon 16-Dec-13 21:30:14

Re ttc. I know so many people who surprisingly had children after being told it would be difficult/impossible. Also know many who fell pregnant quickly with a tiny age gap when trying for their second child when their first born had taken months/years to conceive. It is hard to predict these things.

So my advice would be to start ttc when you would be happy and ready for a baby in 10 months time smile

Upcycled Mon 16-Dec-13 22:05:47

Move back to your house
Start dating him again
Let him stay over at yours more than you stay over at his
Stop TTC, but if you really want a baby also consider the option of being a single mum.
Keep a time frame on your mind for him to propose if you really don't want to propose yourself.
If he does not propose within your time frame, break up and move on if marriage is what you want.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 16-Dec-13 22:34:18

One of my friends, who is now 34 is still waiting for her boyfriend of 6 years to propose. She has been talking about it with him for a few years (especially as she wants children) and he just keeps giving the empty promise of he'll do it when the time is right hmm Everyone but her can see he has no desire to get married at all.

If a man wants to marry his girlfriend and knows full well that she wants the same, then surely that is the perfect time. A man who delays marriage by giving crap excuses is a guy who doesn't want it.

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Dec-13 09:10:59

He may propose over Christmas/new year. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. If he doesn't, done size words have been spoken.

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Dec-13 09:11:32

What? Some wise words! Sorry

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 17-Dec-13 09:15:18

Christmas 2013 ?

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Dec-13 09:31:45

Yes. This year. Not wait another whole year!

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 17-Dec-13 09:43:41

I fear "Christmas" may never come.....

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Dec-13 09:52:23

grin

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:40:43

I don't know.....maybe he has got a beautiful proposal already planned for Christmas or New Year that has been organised for ages?? Maybe that's why he's being so vague, to throw the OP off the scent....

I hope he has!!! smile

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 17-Dec-13 10:51:17

If it would make op happy for ever after, I hope so too.

Do I think this man is good marriage material? Nope.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:05:40

As long as they are 75% perfect that's good enough grin

Nobody is 100% - even us women! though we are much closer to the mark grin

OTheHugeManatee Tue 17-Dec-13 11:30:44

I think you'd be crackers to get yourself pregnant by this man, at least until he makes good on his promise to marry you. Right now you're financially independent, own your own place etc etc but once a baby comes along you need to be much more interdependent. If he's even showing the faintest whiff of uncertainty about commitment to you then don't do it.

You mention your last boyfriend was a commitment phobe too. Is this a pattern for you?

Upcycled Tue 17-Dec-13 14:40:05

Hi OP. Are you spending Christmas together? What is the arrangement?

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 12:30:10

Thank you Writerwannabe for a voice of reason. Yes, he's not 100% perfect, but he's about 90% there. He's a little scared of commitment because his wife ran off with another man and turned into a money grabbing cowbag, and has moments of selfishness in buying himself stuff without discussing it with me. That is all.

I'm not sure why Christmas arrangements are relevant - but yes, of course we are spending Christmas together. We live together and we love each other - why wouldn't we be spending christmas together?.

I think there is a hell of a lot of projection on this and other threads. My fault, I asked for it I know.

But thank you all for your input and perspective. Some say what he did was fine and I'm over reacting - others think I should leave him and stop TTC a much longed for (by both of us) child.

Good to know we're all different eh!

Upcycled Wed 18-Dec-13 13:29:45

Hi OP just wondering if there was any unusual plans for Christmas as he could be planning a surprise proposal for you.

You come here and ask a bunch of strangers very personal questions and got a range of answers, not sure exactly what you were expecting to hear?

Only your partner can tell you exactly what is going on, take no notice on us.

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 13:32:59

Sorry Upcycled I was just feeling a bit sensitive to all the negative stuff, and took it the wrong way. Apologies.

No special plans for Christmas - he told me he won't propose for Christmas as he wants it (proposal) to be special in itself outside of the usual Christmas stuff.

DP and I have talked lots about this now, and I'm feeling a lot better.

I know, I brought this thread on myself! Thanks everyone for lots of different viewpoints. Plenty of food for thought!

Joysmum Wed 18-Dec-13 13:35:33

You're quite right, there is a hell of a lot of projection goes on. Those that have been burnt will tend to look for the worst in everything, those in happy relationships tend to look for the good.

So glad you've got perspective to recognise that when so many who are vulnerable wouldn't be able to.

Have a great Christmas and new year!

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 13:35:56

not sure exactly what you were expecting to hear?

I guess I just needed a place to vent about him being bloody stupid! I should have expected the reaction that I got.

Lesson learned! Thank you for being kind though, life is pretty confusing for me at the moment so I'm just a bit sensitive.

Upcycled Wed 18-Dec-13 14:12:51

It's a good thing to be able to vent anonymously and get honest answers. Of course we all project one way or another as people's opinions are based on their experience.

All the best.

sebsmummy1 Wed 18-Dec-13 15:48:13

Wishing you the best xx

Darkesteyes Wed 18-Dec-13 16:43:11

He said his ex was a money grabbing cowbag.

I can imagine my ex saying similar about me..........just because i wanted the luxury of having toilet roll in the flat.

LaQueenAnd3KingsOfOrientAre Wed 18-Dec-13 17:01:46

It would depend on the state of your finances, so long as all the bills were taken care of, and your DP paid his share of everything and your money was independent (as I think you say it is), then in your shoes I really wouldn't feel perturbed about this.

Back in the day, when I earned a professional salary, too, and we had no DDs, DH and I rarely discussed our individual spending. I once bought a new soaf for our home without him knowing, and he bought at least 2 cars without checking with me, at all. In fact, now I think about it, I also bought a car, almost on a whim while he was away on holiday.

But, we're both easy with this level of independence - if you're not, then it's worth raising it with your DP.

BelaLugosisShed Wed 18-Dec-13 17:09:54

I'll ask again cosy - why do you have to wait for him to propose?

I really don't understand, if your relationship is serious enough to have a child together, it's serious enough to get a little piece of paper to sew up the legal side of things.

I'm damn sure my DD has the gumption to say "right, when are we getting married then" to a man she wants children with, it's precisely what I did almost 30 years ago.

This waiting for a man to ask nonsense belongs in the past, it's a way of handing over power to someone, power over your future.

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 17:12:14

Darkest - No, he didn't say that about her, that's my interpretation uncharitable he has been more than fair to her, to the point that she walked all over him. I just have issues with how she behaved, but it's nothing to do with me as its all in the past.

LaQueen thanks for putting a new perspective on it. I am fine with his financial independence, but I just wasn't sure whether this sort of thing was something other people would normally discuss. Good to hear that in your relationship, it is a normal thing to do.

If it was a car, I would have no issue at all with it - which tells me it's not about the money - it's just that it was a personal thing that his friends knew all about and I didn't. That's what hurt me.

But anyway, we're over it now. He bought me a lovely bouquet of flowers to apologize for being thoughtless. flowers and we've moved on.

Buddhagirl Wed 18-Dec-13 17:13:49

I think Yabu. His money, his choice, I bet he just wanted it and didn't want a discussion about it.

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 17:20:09

Bela I know what you're saying, and I agree. But there are lots of reasons why this isn't right for me.

1. I was badly hurt by a really commitment phobic ex. I would say things like 'right, when are we getting married' only to be fobbed off time and again.

2. My sister and mother both 'pushed' their DHs into agreeing to get married. I don't want that for myself. My sister always says she regretted not having the whole 'down on one knee proposal' thing, because she pre-empted it by dragging pushing her DH into agreeing. I really need to experience something different.

3. I'm an old romantic. I want a proposal. DP wants to propose. We both want this (just disagreeing on the timescale)

4. DP has proposed to someone else once (his ExW), so I kind of need him to do that for me as well. Silly I know, but that's what I want.

Also, to clarify, I have indeed said to DP "Right, when are we going to get married then"... to which he just replies "not yet, but soon".. What else can I do without proposing myself, which I don't want to do?

I know I'm being a pathetic weak woman hanging on waiting for a man to propose. I don't like it, but in the long term I want to be able to look back on the day he proposed and be happy.

It's just pure sentimentality - but it's how I feel and what I want.

sebsmummy1 Wed 18-Dec-13 18:58:53

My hairdresser has just asked me when im getting married, I said I have no idea he hasn't asked.

I just relayed the conversation to my OH via message as he is out tonight. I said 'I told her you didn't want to (get married)'. He said ' I never said that'. I said 'ok, I told her you haven't asked me'. He has not answered that lol. He will now go out for his work piss up.

I'm inwardly chuckling to myself as I generally don't mention it, but every now and then I quite enjoy watching his rabbit in the headlights expression.

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