To be unhappy with my parents if they go and my partner isnt

(75 Posts)
bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 20:49:14

Normally on xmas eve we go to my sister's in laws for a meal. This year was to be the same however I have just been informed by my sister, that my partner isnt invited however me and dd are. The reason being he is quite direct so when last year (his first year going) we didnt get food til 10pm, he moaned and also he finished his food before host got to the table (we were told to start and all did). Also my sister in laws and my parents spend a lot of each other so to reduce the spending decided to do a secret santa. My OH said he didnt want to do the secret as the amount set was more than he spends on his family members and why would he want to spend x amount on his sister in laws, sister in law oh!

Obviously my dc and I arent going to go but although havent explained to partner, we are invited just not him. But now I am feeling a bit exiled from the family at christmas.... as me, partner and dc are having christmas at our house (partner's mum and partner were invited but arent comin) and my mum and dad are going to my sisters with the in laws who they are with on xmas eve.

I now feel my mum and dad should on principle not go on xmas eve, it doesnt bother my partner if he goes or not (he is happy as means we arent having to rush around as he'll be at work in the day). But it has left me being left out and not really having a chance to seeing family over christmas for much of the time, when its my dc 1st xmas and my parents only grandchild. While the rest of them play happy families without us. (we were going to try and get to my sisters on xmas day after dinner at ours but its not really logistical possible to go and come back without it being ridiculously late or just going for an hour).

I can see both side my oh and sisters in law but really its me, my mum and sister who are missing out.

In essence should I insist my mum doesnt go, or get annoyed if she does? Or am I being hormonal????

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Dec-13 20:52:27

I can't believe they didn't invite your partner!!

Ok, he may have come across as a bit rude to them last year, but to purposely exclude him this year?? shock I would be fuming!!!

I don't really think you have any right to stop your parents doing whatever they want to though.....

scaevola Tue 10-Dec-13 20:54:14

You cannot 'insist' that your family fall in with your wishes - either for your parents to reject an invitation that has already been offered and accepted, or that your sister invites someone she cannot bear to have in the house.

Either your DP steps up to the mark to build bridges to your family, or you get used to a different style of Christmas.

gamerchick Tue 10-Dec-13 20:54:21

You are perfectly within your rights not to go.. I wouldn't either. (As an aside who thinks eating at 10pm when you have guests is acceptable?)

However...its not fair to control another person's actions just because you're miffed. Please don't put your mother in that position.

drudgetrudy Tue 10-Dec-13 20:54:32

I think YABU. It isn't up to you to tell your parents who to visit.

MammaTJ Tue 10-Dec-13 20:56:55

While the rest of them play happy families without us.

TBH, it doesn't sound that happy anyway! Leave them to it, enjoy your time with your family and don't deal with the stress. Sounds good to me!

TeeBee Tue 10-Dec-13 20:57:03

The argument is nothing to do with your mum, I don't see why you are dragging her into it.

BitOfFunWithSanta Tue 10-Dec-13 20:57:23

God no, don't escalate it!

Can't you just ask yor DP to apologise for being so rude 'direct'?

RedLondonBus Tue 10-Dec-13 20:57:46

You can't expect your parents to do what you want

I'd spend Xmas with DP/kids

Killinascullion Tue 10-Dec-13 21:00:04

YABU. Your DP isn't being direct, he's being rude as you are well aware.

When he grows up and learns some manners, I'm sure you'll be invited back to family parties. Until then, you will have to get used to spending Christmas with an arse.

Good luck!

Yellowcake Tue 10-Dec-13 21:01:26

Agree you can't tell other people whether or not to accept an invitation, whether or not you are pleased. It's petty and rude of your SIL not to invite your partner, but he was way more than 'direct' last year, he was obviously her idea of the guest from hell, complaining, bolting his food, refusing to buy a SS present. If that was his first year with your family, what would he have done this year?

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:01:59

I know if say this to my parents it will cause everything to blow up with my sisters in law but i then think about my dc 1st bday in april I would have invited as was close to them but now its like do i bother? N when we do have a get together for mothers day (and fathers day as we used to get together for them as well so my sister and her husband didnt have to split), its just going to be awkward.

Also at the xmas eve and xmas eve as normal is my brother in law, sister, her partner and soon to be newborn, so just feeling further exiled and isolated

Im just a bit upset as christmas is about being with family and big get together and now it will just be the 3 of us, so just any other day.

Ragwort Tue 10-Dec-13 21:02:29

Your partner sounds very rude, no wonder he wasn't invited back.

MrsMook Tue 10-Dec-13 21:08:12

I don't understand what this has to do with your mum. Dragging her into someone else's argument is unreasonable.

He was rude about the secret santa. Serving food at 10pm is daft. Bolting the food isn't the politest, but she seems to have over reacted to that, especially if she said to start.

MadisonMontgomery Tue 10-Dec-13 21:08:27

If it upsets you so much not to be invited, maybe you should tell your partner to apologise, then not to be such an arse in future?

BlingBang Tue 10-Dec-13 21:08:33

It would be nice if you could all start with a clean slate. Your partner gets invited but has to understand not to be rude. Maybe your mum or sister could mediate and see if your SIL would relent (unless he was really quite foul) and you can speak to your partner about behaving himself.

BooBudolphMeowson Tue 10-Dec-13 21:09:37

Ragwort I completely agree

Ragwort Tue 10-Dec-13 21:10:26

I think your family are making it very clear that they do not like your partner, is he normally this rude and unpleasant ?

Spherical Tue 10-Dec-13 21:12:02

If you feel so strongly about it impacting on yours and your daughter's lives, maybe you should gently explain the real situation to your partner and how it may impact on future family focused days and ask him to think about trying to change his behaviour at gatherings with your family.

JodieGarberJacob Tue 10-Dec-13 21:13:35

Why wasn't his outburst last Christmas resolved months ago? An apology was all that was needed long before this year's invite went out. Also he needs to know that he isn't invited. Turning down invites for a secret reason can't go on forever. If you enjoy family get togethers it needs to be sorted properly out in the open now!

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:18:07

Nothing was said to my partner last year so unable to get him to apologise for something he wasnt aware of or was mentioned at the time or soon after. N the inlaw hasnt said anything to me, when I have seen her though out the year to know he needed to, or she wasnt afronted.

The SS is for this year and we told them in good time to my sister to keep it to the original so my mum,dad and me and them 3. Rather than expanding to include partners. Who we dont see from year to year. So he didnt say the line why would I buy them a present.

He does see christmas and family totally different from me, and his immediate family he cares about, others meh! So doesnt get the relationship we have with my sister's in law's

Tho how to get a grown man to stop being direct or saying things as they see them?? Let me know.

Also just to clarify I think i didnt apostrophe correct (missed a word out)it is my sister's mother in law who does the xmas eve and where he has been uninvited

neunundneunzigluftballons Tue 10-Dec-13 21:20:50

OP you should have your own event with your parents on another date.

Sirzy Tue 10-Dec-13 21:22:42

Your husband was rude, I can fully understand the family not wanting him there again.

You can't dictate where your parents go over christmas, it isn't their argument.

Blu Tue 10-Dec-13 21:23:00

Unless your DP has been this rude to your family all year, I think it is pretty bad of your SIL not to invite him. Is she your brother's wife? Can you talk to your bother?

Does your D care whether he goes or not? Would he care if you went without him, just to spend some time with your sister and parents?

Could your parents visit you on Christmas morning or evening?

neunundneunzigluftballons Tue 10-Dec-13 21:23:37

X post why do your parents go to their daughter's MIL for Xmas eve. I would run a seperate event that night, there is absolutely no need for you or your parents to go to that event.

JanineStHubbins Tue 10-Dec-13 21:27:07

As I understand it, the event is hosted by the OP's sister's MIL. It sounds like your DP was quite rude and boorish, and I don't blame them for not wanting him to come again.

Rudeness being excused as 'directness' or 'saying things as they see them' is nothing but a cop-out, imo.

Spherical Tue 10-Dec-13 21:28:00

Tho how to get a grown man to stop being direct or saying things as they see them?? Let me know.

You ask him not to be so direct. Perhaps ask him to think whether he would say those things to his boss/ clients/ the Queen - anyone whom he may really respect. And that if he isn't sure then best to say nothing but to do it with a smile rather than a sulk or scowl.

Pollydingdonmerrilyonhigh Tue 10-Dec-13 21:29:31

Your dp sounds like an arsehole, I wouldn't want him round at mine.

CaptainSweatPants Tue 10-Dec-13 21:31:18

THey want to go to see your sister & her family presumably

I'd invite your parents & sister on boxing day

Eating at 10pm won't work now you've got a child

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:31:21

Cos thats been the way! Dsis and BIL got together in teens and so since before they got married we have had xmas this way, dinner at my sisters MIL and xmas dinner at my DSis as they lived in the same village and so BIL/Dsis didnt have to choose which family to see. Also BIL sis and I werent ever in serious relationship over the past 10 years so was always with the family at xmas. As an 8 it was lovely but now me and BIl sis have partner and children it will all change.

Personally think Dsis MIL had this ideal we would just continue to add chairs for mine and BIL sis and as my partner wants to do own thing at xmas and have xmas day at home she is put out from her ideal

Spherical Tue 10-Dec-13 21:34:27

You could also explain to him that as his sister in law's mother in law was kind enough to invite him to a family meal on Christmas Eve, it would be polite to join in the spirit of that family with regards to the cost of one secret Santa gift.

scaevola Tue 10-Dec-13 21:38:32

OP: what do you believe deep down? Was he rude?

I ask because it sounds as if you are making excuses for him, and seeking to blame everyone else, and expect them to be miserable. All that instead of facing your own misery and looking squarely at what landed you in this position.

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:40:13

Also my not inviting him it isnt punishing him, (he isnt bothered about not going and seeing my sister's MIL/FIL as they arent anything to do with him), its me, my mum and my sister.

N he quite abrupt in person and quite selfish in his thinking! And I know i picked him!

JanineStHubbins Tue 10-Dec-13 21:42:32

If your DP isn't fussed about not going, why don't you and your dd go on your own? Then you, your mum and your sister don't get 'punished'.

DontmindifIdo Tue 10-Dec-13 21:43:55

Hmm, I think while noone else said anything last year, you should have told your DP he'd been rude to your family, because he had been. If you go to someone's house who does secret santa and will be recieving a gift, then you join in with it. If they serve food late, you don't complain unless you are close family (which he wasn't at that point), and surely everyone knows when a host says "oh start" you still shouldn't until everyone's at the table unless you are very close to you? This is basic manners, it's never a good sign when you have to teach your adult DP how to behave in company to avoid them embarrassing you/offending anyone...

However, that's a bit late now, get your invite in first for next year, invite your parents and Dsis to you next year. Accept that lives change once more than just one sibling is settled so rarely you'll all be together, but your parents could alternate, you will probably have to host though.

It's also not your Mum's fault your MIL turned down your invite.

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary Tue 10-Dec-13 21:44:01

I think ask your parents for boxing day (maybe sis aswell plan something different so not a roast dinner!)

Then next year get in early and say right "it's our turn to host what time would you like to come over DP's"

If they stick to their rut then you will know where you stand.

MidniteScribbler Tue 10-Dec-13 21:52:02

Stop making excuses for him. He's a rude prick and I wouldn't want him at my house either.

Tho how to get a grown man to stop being direct or saying things as they see them?? Let me know.

You tell him that his actions have caused all this angst and that he either grows up and learns how to behave in polite company, or he spends christmas alone. Simples.

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:52:13

TBH I cant remember the night, i know he has made some off the cuff / verging on rude remarks. Where I did think getting a bit rude there but nothing like "OMG u need to stop now! Think it has been 1,2,3 strikes and the SS was the third.

I really dont think I could go on the xmas eve as it would be sayin it ok to not invite the oh but me and dc can go even though we are a family unit. (Principles n all that) Oddly enough before though I was thinkin of just going on own xmas eve/ xmas dinner as OHs single friend bday is on xmas eve and his family are a couple of hours drive away and his mum works in care so doesnt always the day off, so often spends the time on his own, so OH and friend could watch DR who together. But now if went again its like saying yea ill leave the partner to be with SIS's in laws.

HyvaPaiva Tue 10-Dec-13 21:52:29

Tho how to get a grown man to stop being direct or saying things as they see them?? Let me know.

I can't stand the way women with rude partners come on here and claim that it's just how 'a man' behaves. It bloody isn't. My DP - like the DPs/DHs of most on here - is a decent, thoughtful, selfless person. It's nonsense to generalize in order to excuse poor behaviour.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 10-Dec-13 21:54:26

He was rude last year.
He isn't bothered this year.

OP, your DP isn't making the effort and because of that you want your family to abandon a long standing Christmas tradition? YABVU. You aren't being pushed out, you are choosing to stay away.

Go without him and get used to the fact that there are going to be many occasions in the future when you will have to go without him. You accept his bluntness, others do not have to and won't. Are you really going to allow his rudeness to isolate you like this?

Morloth Tue 10-Dec-13 21:59:02

You absolutely should not say anything to your parents, you don't get to dictate where and when they see your sister.

My sister's partner is not welcome in my home (or any of the family homes come to think of it). We tolerated him for years until he swore at one of my kids at ours. At that point he was asked to leave and told he was no longer welcome.

My sister and the kids often come to things without him. I understand this puts her in an awkward position and I am sorry about that, but I will not have my children spoken to like that in their own home.

People have lines in the sand.

BitOfFunWithSanta Tue 10-Dec-13 22:02:39

Dione has got it.

In lots of situations, I'd say that the important thing is to back your partner.

This isn't one of them.

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 22:03:35

I do have my issues with him and his attitude sometimes! Tho thats for another time!

N think if said actually it was u who wasnt invited cos of last year, it would only reiterate the fact to them they arent family to him so he wouldnt be bothered and make the wedge bigger between everyone.

But if the shoe was on the other foot I would expect him not to go!

I think it is the end of the road with all of the extended family getting together, just didnt think it would be this year. Hence, the sadness.

Morloth Tue 10-Dec-13 22:06:22

If I was rude to my husband's family I would not expect to be invited to their get togethers.

That is the way it goes.

What a shame you are going to let him isolate you from your family.

They are not the ones causing the problem.

firesidechat Tue 10-Dec-13 22:08:30

Oh dear, have I got the wrong end of the stick because he doesn't really sound that rude to me. We eat late most nights, but 10 pm!!!!

Mind you we are a very direct family, so perhaps what's rude in one family isn't in another.

firesidechat Tue 10-Dec-13 22:12:36

Well I've re read the original post and subsequent ones and maybe he was a bit rude, but it must have been very bad to get banned from Christmas dinner this year.

We have one very rude family member and nobody has banned them yet. Give it time though.

Morloth Tue 10-Dec-13 22:14:00

Exactly fireside.

Everyone's line in the sand is different.

I am sure my BIL thought we were overreacting. But nonetheless, it is my house and I will decide who is welcome in it.

Caitlin17 Tue 10-Dec-13 22:21:14

I don't think your partner sounds rude. Not eating until 10pm on Christmas eve sounds bonkers, unless possibly someone was working a late shift, and even then still sounds bonkers making everyone else wait.
I'm completely with him on not seeing the point of buying a present for his sister in law's sister in law. Personally I can't stand secret Santa s, it's just an opportunity to waste a sum of money to get a random present which is invariably nothing you want, need or like and may well have been recycled from some other ss.

Look, your dps rudeness was staggering!

In the year that has passed since, he has not even realized he was rude, so clearly has no manners. It seems he cant even "blame" alcohol.

Your SIL was late serving dinner to a mahoosive amount of people, and your dp was sitting on his arse moaning??? hmm

He would not spend money on a secret santa for the hosts? hmm

And you have not bothered to enlighten him, so he could build bridges during the last year?

I am sorry, but you are clearly siding with this rude man, so you are isolating yourself from your family.

I would not invite him back either.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 10-Dec-13 22:33:42

OP they are not your family and they are nit your parents' family, yet for many years they have been so hospitable to you all that their party has become your tradition.

You love him and even you thought he was rude!fshock. He was disrespectful to them. And in doing so, showed a complete lack of regard for you. You say that you have "issues" with his behaviour. It will only get worse and you will soon find yourself very lonely indeed.fsad

Morloth Tue 10-Dec-13 22:36:55

Whether we think he was rude or not doesn't matter Caitlin17, the hosts here clearly did and they get to decide who they invite.

It is then up to the OP or not whether the people who have been invited go.

Caitlin17 Tue 10-Dec-13 22:39:12

I really don't see what is so rude about saying he wanted to pass on the secret Santa. He doesn't get or give any thing, doesn't stop everyone else doing it.

Bit of a rant but they are such a waste of money. We do one in the department and everyone apart from one person does it. She says she'd be too difficult to buy for. She's absolutely right. We have a budget of £10 and other than playing it safe and getting chocolate there is no chance of any one buying her anything she'd want. I wish I had the nerve to do the same.

Kewcumber Tue 10-Dec-13 22:42:45

Go or go not as you prefer. They are quite entitled to not invite people that they felt were/are rude to them as they would be told if they posted on MN!

To expect your parents not to go as well would be a ridiculous escalation.

Why not invite your parents to pop over and see you on their way out?

Morloth Tue 10-Dec-13 23:03:41

It is fine to not want to do Secret Santa.

But probably best not to follow it up with a comment which effectively says 'I don't spend that much on people I care about, why would I spend it on you?'.

Each little thing is a minor irritation on it's own, but these minor irritations have obviously added up enough for the relatives to have had enough.

If you piss people off, you can't expect to be invited to their house.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 10-Dec-13 23:08:45

Caitlin the OP herself wrote:
TBH can't remember the night, I know he has made some off the cuff / verging on rude remarks. Where I did think getting a bit rude there but nothing like OMG u need to stop now

This is straight from the OP. Who loves him. If she thought that, heavens knows what the hosts thought.

Yellowcake Tue 10-Dec-13 23:19:46

OP, if, as you keep saying, he's 'not bothered' about these people, isn't interested in a relationship with them, and would rather do something else on Christmas Eve, why punish yourself by not accepting the invitation? You keep mentioning the 'principle' of the thing -meaning. I assume, Stand By Your Man - but if he's uninterested in your family connections to the extent of not bothering with basic politeness, it seems as if you are cutting off your noise to spite your face.

Caitlin17 Tue 10-Dec-13 23:23:35

I agree there's no need for him to be there.OH and I have been together 25 years and well still do his family and my family events separately. I don't see mine that often and I prefer having them to myself. His family I generally can't be bothered with, they're his, not mine.

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 23:23:42

He never said the I'm not spending x on them as not my family to them. That's was between me n him. When I said they are thinking of doing ss much earlier in the year. Tho that's his logic for not!

As ive said I dont think he was overly rude, just minor things, as if he was, iif I didn't say anything my mum would have. N sis mil is normally quite upfront to so if he had said something she would have made a quip back there n then. Which is why so confused, even sister didn't know he wasn't comin, as it is a assumed thing.

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 23:34:11

I really dont want to look like I'm defending him which I know it seems.

It's just we haven't seen them since May, nothing ever said n now for some reason the shit has hit the fan with it all.

N it's all very well for oh to be excluded but the sis sil only plays friend with me if her friends aren't about, didn't get anything for when my baby born n seemingly fforgot to invite me to football away day I would normally go on.

I could go for an hour to show my face before dc needed bed but what for?

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 10-Dec-13 23:52:58

Because you want to get out, see your family and show your DD off on Christmas eve OP.


Caitlin17 Wed 11-Dec-13 00:00:13

Just spotted the party is hosted by your sister's mother in law. I do have some sympathy. I'm sure my OH wouldn't think his sister's mother in law was family to him and whoever that person might be is definitely nothing to me. I don't see any reason why you can't go without him.

Caitlin17 Wed 11-Dec-13 00:01:04

Just spotted the party is hosted by your sister's mother in law. I do have some sympathy. I'm sure my OH wouldn't think his sister's mother in law was family to him and whoever that person might be is definitely nothing to me. I don't see any reason why you can't go without him.

friday16 Wed 11-Dec-13 00:03:09

As an aside who thinks eating at 10pm when you have guests is acceptable?

No-one sane. It means you're starving hungry and sleep badly.

If I were somewhere and the host was playing passive aggressive like that, I'd go out and eat somewhere else. 10pm isn't "oh, I had problems getting the potatoes to crisp up", it's taking the piss. It's "look at us, we're so mediterranean" or something equally "Grim Up North London".

turnaroundbrighteyes Wed 11-Dec-13 00:06:04

Why not make sure he's doing something lovely with his mate so you don't feel guilty and go. Then invite them all to yours at New Year and give him a heads up before hand that they mean a lot to you, you think he's been rude before so you would like him to make an effort and build bridges.

Cerisier Wed 11-Dec-13 00:12:48

He is antisocial yet you like to socialize, so if you are to stay together you need to sort this out. As others say, go without him, he is not bothered. Don't let him isolate you from your family. If he doesn't like that then you will have to decide how to play it. Him or them.

He doesn't sound like someone I would be proud to have as my partner, but perhaps he has some redeeming qualities.

Caitlin17 Wed 11-Dec-13 00:26:49

Is he antisocial? I love socialising with friends but you'd have to pay me a lot and then some more to go to a Christmas eve celebration with obscure relatives of OH's. It's maybe just not his thing.

Morloth Wed 11-Dec-13 00:38:56

You don't have to go if you don't want to, for any reason.

But that doesn't give you the right to tell other people what to do.

It is absolutely fine for you to decline the invite, but then don't sit there and seethe because they are 'playing happy families'.

You can't have it both ways.

mynewpassion Wed 11-Dec-13 01:06:43

I don't know about the rest of you but 10 pm is very late to eat an evening meal. The hosts were rude. I guess I'm just crazy.

I also don't want to give gifts for total strangers in a secret santa especially if its above what I will be spending on my own family. That's just ridiculous.

I think its time to start your own Christmas traditions. Invite your parents to your house another day.

Theodorous Wed 11-Dec-13 08:26:18

I wouldn't have invited him, he sounds utterly charming.

Armadale Wed 11-Dec-13 08:39:09

I think when you go to someone's house as a guest, you realise they may do things differently to you, and accept that with good grace.

When it comes to spending time with your partner's family, most people would make a double effort to be polite and accommodating in order to support their partner, whether it was their cup of tea or not.

This tradition has been going for some years and these people are important to you. That your partner can not be bothered to make an effort says much more about him than about your family.

I would make the effort and go to the meal without him: clearly he would not be happy there anyway, but I'd stick to your family as close as possible. A partner who really can't be bothered to make an effort for you with your family doesn't really seem like a keeper

TheMaw Wed 11-Dec-13 09:20:16

The not eating until 10pm thing sounds weird but I know there have been a few occasions where I've timed everything badly and we've ended up not eating for ages. In those situations, if one of my guests had sat on his arse complaining and not helping, and been rude, I'd have been fucking livid and he'd never be in my house again. He sounds like a tool.

DontmindifIdo Wed 11-Dec-13 09:24:34

OP you said: - I do have my issues with him and his attitude sometimes! Tho thats for another time!

but actually, it's worth looking at it now. Right now, his attitude is not just upsetting your feelings, it's limiting you and effecting your relationship with other people. This is exactly the right time to look at his attitude, because while you might be getting used to his 'lower level rudeness' other people's reactions are showing you just how unacceptable it is.

He is an adult, whether or not he is rude to people or whether or not he acts in a civilised manner when a guest in someone else's house is entirely in his control. He is chosing to be rude to people you care about. He is chosing to act like this. Normal men don't act like this.

If he wanted to, he could change his behaviour. You just have to decide if you are prepared to make him want to. (Because for me, offending family would be not something I'd be prepared to put up with and would make it clear behaviour changed or I would be single, and I'd mean it.)

There's another thread running with a woman who's 'D'P made a rude and bullying comment to her sick younger brother (who has a life limiting illness, her DP mocked the fact he was unlikely to still be alive by retirement to the poor boy's face). Read that thread.

Unexpected Wed 11-Dec-13 09:28:48

You absolutely can't insist that your mum doesn't go. Sorry but your dp sounds rude and I'm not surprised that he hasn't been invited back. I suspect you are minimising somewhat his attitude and behaviour last year and it was actually much more unacceptable than you have admitted to.

Eating at 10 p.m. is late but it's Christmas Eve, perhaps some people had been at church earlier or were working all day and then still had to cook? Either way, it's not the end of the world.

As for not wanting to take part in SS, has your dp never heard of fitting in with your surroundings, making an effort to compromise with other people/families? When I married dh and we started spending some Christmases with his family, there were all kins of things which were different. Some I liked, some not so much (the complete absence of stuffing from Christmas dinner was a tragedy!) but I wouldn't have dreamt of making a fuss. If your dp only ever goes where he wants to and does what he wants to he's going to end up with a very limited social life.

TeacupDrama Wed 11-Dec-13 09:54:47

our DP does sound rude and his attitude maybe bad , but on somethings he may have a point,

1. you have your own child now and maybe he wants to start with christmas's different not just your distant family that is reasonable many people do like to celebrate with just DC's and DP, some discussion on maybe big family christmas one year small immediate family another year

if you have always spent relatively small sums for christmas presents says £10 per person, then being asked to spend much more on distant relative will seem odd and he should be able to opt out, particularly if money is tight

starting your meal when someone says start is not unreasonable if you are really hungry you tend to eat faster if you were expecting food at 9pm 10pm is not so bad but if food was expected 7.30 10pm is very very late

you also have a point on certain things

you like big social gatherings with extended family this is fine
you want to participate in this with DP without him being rude or acting like a cold shower
he needs to learn that directness or brutal honesty is not always kind ior necessary
he needs to compromise about stuff

YABU to think this is anything to do with your parents and whether they go or not

you both need to work out compromises about christmas etc, it is not reasonable to just expect a new partner to fit in with the way the other has always done things, this of course applies both ways; also you need to balnace your love of big gatherings with his apparent horror of them, somethings you go alone to, somethings he bites the bullet and wears a smile somethings you opt out of and do your own thing as your own wee family

ipswichwitch Wed 11-Dec-13 10:03:02

As a bit of an aside, i noticed you said you said your sisters ILs seem to expect this arrangement to continue every year. This is where problems crop up - families change, people get married, have kids, etc and to expect everyone to keep doing the same thing year after year is a big much. Eating at 10pm is odd - and completely not doable with kids, but I think you'd DP was rude to moan about it (I would have grumbled internally though!) and the ss thing was also rude, but I do see where he comes from with not being so bothered about spending time with them at Christmas. Fwiw, I have never even met my brothers ILs so it wouldn't occur to me to want to go to them in Christmas Eve.

Christmases are changing in our family now - there's too many of us to all be together in one house so this year we are staying home and will be spending time with each of them throughout the Christmas period. Some are not happy about this and still want the big family everyone under the same roof Christmas but its not workable any more.

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