to think that this was really selfish and a little stalkery?

(95 Posts)
GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:14:45

Namechanged.

My best friend is in a long term relationship with a man. She told me yesterday that a few years ago she had a 6 month fling with one of her female friends, who she no longer sees. The fling stopped when my best friend met her partner, and yet they continued to be good friends. My best friend yesterday got a message from this girl, after a year of not speaking (my best friend called time when she felt that this girl had secret feelings for her).

The message basically said how she was just wanting closure and to get things off her chest, that she wasn't expecting anything in return but she wanted to tell her she actually had been in love with her and that she was upset that they were no longer friends because of it. That she'd rather be friends than nothing at all.

My friend is feeling a little torn over it, but AIBU to think that this is really selfish of the girl?! And a bit stalkery after not speaking for so long? My best friend is in a long term relationship, I find it really inappropriate and a bit sad tbh.

Friend asked advice and I want to tell her to tell the girl just to not contact her again.

Sirzy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:19:55

How can something be stalkery if it is the first time it has been mentioned in years?

Which aspect is your friend torn over?

I think it was quite a brave text. Your friend doesn't have to resume contact but I think it would be nice to axknowedge her exs hurt feelings

SpottyDottie Tue 10-Dec-13 17:22:33

I have no experience of this and I'm sure someone will come along shortly with more informed advice but my first thought reading this was that if the other girl had been in love with your best friend, it'll be pretty painful for her (the girl) just being friends. I can't see any good coming of this.

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:23:21

About whether to reply Sirzy - I mean it's stalkery in that she still has feelings for her that she 'wants to get off her chest' after they haven't spoken for a good while.

Stealth she isn't really her 'ex'. My friend had a boyfriend at the time, this girl was a friend of hers who she hooked up with. They remained friends afterwards but my friend suspected other girl of having feelings and cut contact. I should have named Best Friend and Girl, it's getting confusing to write.

Sirzy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:26:27

I don't think having feelings for someone makes it stalkery a all.

I also don't think being honest about feelings is a bad thing.

IMO the selfish person is the one who had a 6 month fling whilst inn a relationship with someone else

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest Tue 10-Dec-13 17:26:42

Not great timing. But not stalkerish or selfish.

Selfish would be "I love you and would rather see you dead than with anyone else."<-Stalkerish too.

That did take balls, though. Poor girl.

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:26:52

From what you say here it sounds as though your friend used her female friend rather badly.

Like Polarbear I think the message was brave and dignified and not at all 'stalkery' I think your friend should get over herself, and respond either by saying that she thanks her for getting in touch but really doesn't want to meet again, or by saying that she (your friend) is in fact something of a shallow and callous biyatch and really not worthy of her friend's tears. That ought to do it.

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:28:15

Yes but my friend told her she didn't want any more contact early 2012. And now she sends her a message saying basically that she was in love with her which is exactly what my friend didn't want to hear. I find it creepy, tbh. But my friend will make her own mind up, it's just really irritated me. It's rude.

AngelsLieToKeepControl Tue 10-Dec-13 17:30:11

I don't think it's creepy or rude at all, the poor woman is trying to move on after being used then shit on from a great height. Well done to her, I wish I was that brave.

SaucyJack Tue 10-Dec-13 17:30:17

So your friend was happy to use this woman for a six-month sexual affair, but does not want to deal with the fallout of the other woman's feelings?

And you think it's the other woman who's being selfish?

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:32:16

And now she sends her a message saying basically that she was in love with her which is exactly what my friend didn't want to hear.

How very awful for your friend that she doesn't have things all her own way all of the time. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh here, but I have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment....

Not rude at all. It occurs to me, are you in fact your friend?

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:33:36

I'm don't think I'm getting the point across very well. They were friends for a couple of years after the sexual part, but my friend was in a happy relationship with a man and suspected this friend had feelings for her. So she thought the best thing was to go no contact, and told the girl that. I now find it disrespectful to just go ahead and voice her feelings anyway!

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:34:56

No Delurked although I did think straight after posting that people would accuse me of being my friend/it being a reverse. It's not. It's just that my friend is asking for advice, and I wanted to get some opinions.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 10-Dec-13 17:36:11

I don't see how it's either selfish or stalkery - it just sounds like this woman is rather heart-broken!

So your friend was having a fling but thought that both parties were happy without it being anything to do with 'feelings', and broke off when it turned out that wasn't the case - is that right?

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:36:30

No, you were perfectly clear from the off Parker.

I don't think the dumped woman is any more disrespectful of your friend's feelings than your friend is of hers.

Though I agree with Dottie that the former friend is probably not acting in her own best interests, but that's another matter.

HarryTheHungryHippo Tue 10-Dec-13 17:37:16

I agree with everyone else on this thread, it sounds like your friend just wanted something to tick off her list. I'm not gay but I can see why women who are get annoyed with those who are just out to experiment and use it as something to brag to men about.
Not only was this woman hurt but she also lost her friend who thought so little of their friendship it was easier to cut off her than deal with her having feelings towards her.

Backinthering Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:20

Is your friend the Queen of Sheba?

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:25

Fair enough Parker: I apologise for being suspicious. But I think you have the opinions you asked for quite unequivocally! It's not selfish, or stalkery and if anything, your friend is a bit of a caaaaaah!

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:33

TheOriginal she didn't think there were any feelings. She broke it off when she met a new boyfriend, (she had a boyfriend while they were hooking up, but a different one) then when she met her current partner she asked girl if they could just be friends. They were, for a couple of years, until my friend started to suspect feelings. Then she cut contact.

gamerchick Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:56

Your friend used this girl.. chewed her up and spat her out. Whether it was intentional or not.

The least she can do is give the girl some closure.. even if it's to tell her she doesn't think friendship is possible.

WelshMaenad Tue 10-Dec-13 17:39:14

Your friend sounds like a right self absorbed bitch, tbh.

Maybe your friend should finally face up to the consequences of what she did by screwing around with someone else and then dumping them without a second thought.

crazyafterall Tue 10-Dec-13 17:40:19

That poor girl.
That took a lot of guts. Not at all stalkery or rude. Just hurt and wanting closure.

I hope she finds the strength to move on.

HarryTheHungryHippo Tue 10-Dec-13 17:41:20

I now find it disrespectful to just go ahead and voice her feelings anyway!

Hahaha

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:41:54

But gamerchick she did tell her she didn't want to be friends with her anymore, early last year! This girl kept trying to get in touch with her when my friend was trying to cut contact, so in the end she told her that she didn't want to be friends anymore. Now she's messaging saying she was in love with her! Almost two years after being told no contact!

AngelsLieToKeepControl Tue 10-Dec-13 17:43:01

The woman stays away for a year, then sends one message to try and get some closure for herself after your friend decided she no longer needed to have her around for a little ego boost, and then you and your friend sit and bitch about her and then you come online and start saying she is creepy and selfish.

I can see plenty of wrongdoing in this scenario but none of it from the woman who sent the text.

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:43:26

Almost two years after being told no contact!

But how come your friend gets to call all the shots all the time?

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:45:25

Angels

Hear, fucking hear! <High five>

gamerchick Tue 10-Dec-13 17:45:56

It doesn't matter. Tell her again that contact isn't possible and to leave you alone.

Anything after that... call it what you want.

Booboostoo Tue 10-Dec-13 17:46:14

Your friend sounds really selfish. So she had a boyfriend and cheated on him with the girl, then after 6 months (hardly a fling!) she dumped the girl for a new guy? I feel sorry for the girl who thinks she loves her, she deserves someone better.

SomethingAboutRadishes Tue 10-Dec-13 17:46:41

OP: AIBU?
All: Yes.
OP: No I'm not. I'll put it another way so you'll all agree with me.
All: Nope. You're still BU.

Etc etc......

Your friend sounds horrible btw. But I expect I'm being unreasonable smile

AnandaTimeIn Tue 10-Dec-13 17:47:14

Yes, I agree. I think your friend is the selfish one, carrying on two relationships at the same time.

Very brave of the other girl to come out and say how she felt. Maybe it's because it's the time of year for that. Looking back over the year that will soon be over.

Why would that be stalkerish?!

You do a disservice to those who truely are being stalked.....

KeatsiePie Tue 10-Dec-13 17:47:42

I don't think it was rude. I have the impression that both you and Friend feel like her six-month thing with Other Girl didn't "count" in any way, either as a romantic relationship or as a friends-with-benefits relationship. But when you get involved with another person, you only get decide whether that involvement "counts" as a relationship for you. You don't get to just decide how much it means or will mean to the other person.

Like it or not, that was a relationship. By definition. They were involved. Friend decided that it didn't count. Fair enough for her to have ended it and cut contact. But it's equally fair for Other Girl to get in touch and say actually, that meant a lot to me, I wish it had ended differently, and I would like us to be friends. It sounds like her text was politely-worded and honest, and, yes, brave.

Inconvenient timing for Friend? Sure. But that's not a big deal. All she has to do is text back, nicely, that she isn't comfortable with being friends but certainly didn't mean to hurt Other Girl and wishes her all the best. It would be the decent thing to do. It won't cost her anything.

I wonder, frankly, if you and Friend have decided that relationship didn't count b/c it was with a woman. Would you or she still feel like the text was rude and stalkerish if it were from a man she'd had a fling on the side with?

And as Sirzy said, the person who really comes off looking bad is Friend. IMO the selfish person is the one who had a 6 month fling whilst in a relationship with someone else - I completely agree. Unless Friend and her boyfriend had an open relationship, then this was tacky, nasty behavior - makes me wonder if Friend is uncomfortable with Other Girl's text b/c Friend is ashamed of having cheated. She should be.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 10-Dec-13 17:48:26

Yeah, your friend does sound pretty awful, I have to say.
Dumping her for having feelings and 'ordering' no contact and then finding her feelings 'disrespectful' (what is she supposed to respecting here?).

The only surprise is that this other woman doesn't feel she got off rather lightly!

NumptyNameChange Tue 10-Dec-13 17:51:34

your friend used her for sex on the side of one boyfriend for six months, dumped her when she met this man then dumped her as a friend a couple of years later. your friend must have known she was in love with her but used her like this then kicked her to the curb.

it's pretty clear who the selfish one is.

and to think it's stalkerish or selfish to bravely ask for a chat for closure when you've been heart broken by someone and are trying to process it suggest you and best friend are made for each other.

pictish Tue 10-Dec-13 17:53:51

So if the ex was a bloke, you'd all be saying the same would you?
If some fuckbuddy bloke wrote a message confessing to have been in love with her, and wanted to meet up just to get things off his chest, you'd all be thinking that was just dandy would you?

Bollocks you would. She's in a relationship now, and it's inappropriate.

OohBridget Tue 10-Dec-13 17:54:05

girlnamedparker

its irritated you? get over yourself! the girl had strong feelings and it probably all ended abruptly. She contacted your friend so that she could get closure and move on. Blimey hmm

AngelsLieToKeepControl Tue 10-Dec-13 17:54:09

<high fives delurked> grin

NumptyNameChange Tue 10-Dec-13 17:54:33

you might also want to bear in mind how 'disposable' people are to your 'best friend' and how she doesn't mind cheating and lying. also that for a best friend she doesn't tell you much does she? you only just found out about this.

gamerchick Tue 10-Dec-13 17:57:15

Yes I would feel the same if it was a bloke. Using a friend and discarding them is pretty shitty when it's either sex.

KeatsiePie Tue 10-Dec-13 17:57:39

pictish yes I would say the same if it were a man. And Other Girl's text didn't say she wanted to meet up to get anything off her chest. It just stated that she'd felt differently about the relationship than Friend had and needed to say so to get some closure, that she didn't expect any reply, and that if possible she would like to be friends. That is not inappropriate.

LessMissAbs Tue 10-Dec-13 17:57:52

One message after a year offering friendship? Nothing wrong with that. If your friend uses people and then drops them, and cheats, its pretty par for the course.

Normal human emotions, polite, kind message - no, it is your friend's attitude that stinks. Its like she wants people to fight over her, so she can get 'upset'.

pictish Tue 10-Dec-13 17:58:20

Or if it were your husbands?
If he used to fuck one of his gal pals for fun, and he received that message? You'd all be cheerily ushering him out the door for a heart to heart with her, would you?

I think not.

Sirzy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:59:51

Gender is irrelevant.

You can't have a 6 month affair and then get upset when the consequences begin to show.

gamerchick Tue 10-Dec-13 17:59:56

I would expect him to be kind if he behaved like that yes.

pictish Tue 10-Dec-13 18:01:14

And meanwhile...away from the idealism of the internet, and back in the actuality of the real world....

KeatsiePie Tue 10-Dec-13 18:01:57

pictish there really wasn't any suggestion from Other Girl that she wanted to meet and talk about it.

My DH and I are both friends with some of our exes, including exes with whom we had "flings" rather than long-term romantic relationships. In all honestly, if he got a text like that I really, truly would say, oh, poor girl, that was brave, sounds like the whole thing was hard on her. I wouldn't rush him out the door to have a heart-to-heart with her, no. But if he wanted to be friends with her I would say that's great. And if he didn't I would expect him to tell her nicely that he wasn't comfortable hanging out but really wished her all the best.

MaidOfStars Tue 10-Dec-13 18:02:10

OP, I agree with you. Unasked for emotional messages after a period of no contact following a relationship breakup when the target is in a new relationship IS a lot stalkerish.

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 18:03:34

You're missing the point Pictish. As far as I can see, no one is suggesting that Parker's friend meet up with her former lover. In fact I don't think it would be a good idea. But what is getting right up my nose (and I suspect other people's) is the huffing and puffing about the former lover and calling HER selfish and disrespectful and creepy and lord knows what else.

If it was my husband acting like this 'friend' then I would be seriously looking at what the fuck I had married.

pictish Tue 10-Dec-13 18:07:27

The message basically said how she was just wanting closure and to get things off her chest

she wanted to tell her she actually had been in love with her and that she was upset that they were no longer friends because of it. That she'd rather be friends than nothing at all

You'd all be saying "What the fuck does she want? - You'd better not reply to her!"

Yeah you would. Don't kid yourselves otherwise.

Preciousbane Tue 10-Dec-13 18:07:55

I just wonder what outcome the woman who has got in touch wants? I cannot see anything good coming from it. Regardless of gender I think to be friends with someone is incredibly awkward if the person is professing love but has said they will agree so be friends if that is all they can have. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable about this knowing I was the object of affection and that the other person was hurting and wanting more.

NumptyNameChange Tue 10-Dec-13 18:18:23

pictish - that's clearly what you'd do but how can you claim to know what anyone else would do? just because your mind and relationship style works that way doesn't mean everyone else's does.

i certainly wouldn't be with someone who was able to cheat on a partner for six months then dump both of them when they met me though. that much i do know.

though it's likely 'new man' doesn't know the history hence the shoving of this friend out of the picture and the anxiety about her contact.

NumptyNameChange Tue 10-Dec-13 18:23:12

presumably best friend is an adult and adults know that when you sleep with someone for a period of time they can get attached and very caught up in it even if you don't feel the same. adults know to take responsibility for not just their own feelings but to consider those of others. using people for sex on the side is unpleasant - sure if you're 100% sure they are seeing it in the same light as you but otherwise it is selfish and cruel and going to end in tears (theirs and yours if you have any conscience at all).

best friend clearly meant a hell of a lot to this other woman who is clearly still hurting and confused by it ages afterwards. is she not allowed feelings pictish? it may be inconvenient for people to not just disappear off the face of the earth when you are through with them but other people are real human beings too who have feelings and realities of their own.

if you don't want to deal with people's feelings you don't sleep with them for six months knowing they care about you and you're just using them.

MaidOfStars Tue 10-Dec-13 18:26:45

I think lots of you are too caught up in gleeful Scadenfreude and satisfied karma.

Whether the friend deserves it or not, whether the new man is an unwitting fool...not relevant to the question, as far as I can tell.

Assuming the ex is fully cogniscient of the facts surrounding the breakup of the relationship, to get in touch and declare lost love but a desire to be friends because 'it's better than nothing' is setting off my 'stalker' radar (where 'stalker' is used relatively lightly).

pictish Tue 10-Dec-13 18:28:38

Course it is maid. I agree.

LessMissAbs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:30:39

Your friend sounds like a bit of a drama queen. Why are you indulging her? Can't she respect the poor girl's privacy without telling someone else this? It isn't stalking, and surely there's nothing stopping her from ignoring it.

stayanotherday Tue 10-Dec-13 18:33:04

Your friend would be wise to reply with a best wishes message. It's polite without opening up a possible can of worms.

Jengnr Tue 10-Dec-13 20:07:08

Disrespectful my fat arse.

What's disrespectful is treating this person like she didn't matter despite six months of boffing her.

MaidOfStars Tue 10-Dec-13 20:11:04

Well, all I can say is thank fuck I'm not permanently indebted to every person I've ever spent any length of time boffing, or who has ever declared love.

In fact, the idea that I could be is ludicrous to me.

NumptyNameChange Tue 10-Dec-13 20:15:14

it was a text message - one in a year. hardly a massive burden.

I agree with pictish. the responses would be totally different in the 2 scenarios she has described.

I don't think she is being stalkerish or selfish however but its a bit strange to get in touch like this after so long. A polite 'thanks but no thanks' text is appropriate assuming your friend no longer wishes to be friends with her.

Mimstar Tue 10-Dec-13 21:14:02

Perhaps this girl is struggling with her sexuality, and looking for closure? It's not 'the same' at all, maybe this relationship has been a life changing thing for the girl. Your friend should be more respectful!

poopadoop Tue 10-Dec-13 21:26:59

well if you have a sexual relationship and then 'suspect' the other person of having 'feelings' sounds like your friend is irresponsible and a bit mean.

MaidOfStars Tue 10-Dec-13 21:35:57

If you have a sexual relationship with a friend, and it appears that after cessation of sexual relations, remaining friends is not an option (due to more intense romantic feelings on one side), then it would be highly advisable and very responsible to break contact.

Which is exactly what OP's friend did.

No, I think a heart to heart is dfinietly not a good thing. I think the OP's friend would secretly quite enjoy the drama. I think her response should be that she's sorry she hurt her ex's feelings and thinks the best thing is no contact - ending wishing her all the best. Which is exactly what I'd want DH to do.

and I'd definitely not be suggesting to DH that he get one of his friends to pick the text to pieces on an internet forum

DoJo Tue 10-Dec-13 22:37:07

It sounds as though your friend dropped this girl like a hot stone, which is a pretty cruel thing to do to someone that you suspect is in love with you. There is a big difference between breaking off a relationship which has got too intense and leaving someone feeling as though they were just a plaything until a better offer came along. It sounds like it could have become one of those 'friendships' in which the object of the affection dangles their admirer on a string, which happens so often when one party is unceremoniously dumped.
The kinder thing to have done would be to explain that their relationship wasn't working and cut off contact at that point rather than dragging it all out. I think a brief text of apology and wishing her well with the future, but no more, would be appropriate. Entering into a discussion, offering explanations or insincere apologies should be avoided at all costs. FWIW I don't think it's stalkery or creepy that someone who was in love with your friend hasn't resolved their feelings about the end of their relationship - she's obviously still brooding on the way it all happened, so why not at least try to find a way to let it go?

hyenafunk Tue 10-Dec-13 23:22:48

If I recieved a message like that I would feel a great amount of sympathy and reply kindly to give the poor girl some closure. Obviously this was a big thing for her to do and it's clearly bothered her for almost two years! She probably held back not wanting to seem like a crazy stalker and now look how you've reacted...

Nothing about the girl is stalkerish. She's a girl who basically got into a six month affair, maybe started off casual but she developed feelings. Then your friend ditched her suddenly and she never got closure. Some people need answers to move on. She's left it a long time, it's not as if she's been hounding your friend for the past 2 years!

The kindest thing your friend should do is give her the closure she needs. Even if it's harsh, the girl needs the truth to move forward.

AmberLeaf Tue 10-Dec-13 23:31:45

It is also possible that the friend is being dismissive of the whole thing because she regrets or is embarrassed about her gay 'foray'

I don't think the girl is selfish or stalkerish, I think your friend sounds a bit selfish actually.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Tue 10-Dec-13 23:45:57

So you think that your friend's feelings are so important that she gets to cut off contact with the other woman , but the other woman's feelings are so unimportant that she shouldn't even be allowed one solitary attempt to say what they are? Your friend gets to do the equivalent of putting her fingers in her ears and going "Lalalalala, I can't hear you and don't want to know what you have to say" and you think the other woman is being "disrespectful" and "selfish"? Also, you think that sending one message in two years counts as "stalkery"?

pictish, I would say exactly the same if it were a bloke. I don't think they can be friends. I don't think they should meet up. But the dumpee sending one message to say "Actually, this is how I felt and how I feel now about how I was treated" is perfectly appropriate. If it carried on repeatedly then it could easily become stalkerish, but on the facts as the OP has given them? Not even vaguely.

sutekidane Wed 11-Dec-13 01:24:32

I agree with Pictish and maid. If this had been written about a man, the replies would be completely different. If a woman posted saying her former FWB, who she'd had to cut contact with because he clearly had feelings for her after the sex had ended, had messaged out the blue saying he was in love with her (even though she is currently in a relationship) everyone would be saying ignore, don't respond. But because its a woman, it's all "aww you broke her heart, she's so brave messaging you". hmm

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Wed 11-Dec-13 03:32:37

There's a difference between "ignore, don't respond" and "it's selfish and stalkerish to have contacted you at all". It's perfectly possible for it to be reasonable for A to contact B and reasonable for B not to respond when A does so.

Joysmum Wed 11-Dec-13 04:22:31

sutekidane is right.

Whatever her past mistakes, your friend is clearly trying to do the right thing now. If somebody has a relationship that comes to an end then tried to do the letting them down gently thing and remaining friends but suspects the other person is still keen, sure the right thing to do would be to cut that person loose in the hope the other person gets over

Joysmum Wed 11-Dec-13 04:32:01

....it.

Clearly this still hasn't happened. She quite rightly broke all contact because she feared her friend harboured feeling for her and she was right!

Most of the reactions on here are reacting to the OP's thoughts on the matter, rather than the facts as presented.

I can only think what I'd want if I were the other women and what I'd want if I were the boyfriend. If I were the other woman it would be useful to know there was no chance. She's contacted in the hope of getting back together or getting closure, she needs that text to acknowledge her hurt but that her feelings will never be reciprocated. If I were the boyfriend I'd be happy with that too, but only if she fessed up first as there is no place for secrets in a relationship and to keep secrets is disrespectful to her current relationship. All this happen prior to current relationship but affects it now so the boyfriend has a right to know too.

Jengnr Wed 11-Dec-13 05:39:42

'Well, all I can say is thank fuck I'm not permanently indebted to every person I've ever spent any length of time boffing, or who has ever declared love.

In fact, the idea that I could be is ludicrous to me.'

And maidofstone the very fact you think that's what I said is also pretty ludicrous tbh. I didn't suggest that anybody was indebted to anybody.

But saying that the way this poor woman has behaved (and lets get this right, it was a fucking text message, not even a phone call) after being treated so badly is 'disrespectful' is disingenuous in the extreme.

She sent a text message, asking for closure. Asking. Not demanding, not even being unpleasant. She sent a text message and she asked.

If the friend responds with 'No, I'm sorry' this whole matter is done with.

But the suggestion this woman is disrespectful is, frankly, ridiculous. Disrespectful of what? And why does she owe anyone any respect in this scenario at all?

BitOutOfPractice Wed 11-Dec-13 06:00:25

One heartfelt (and not threatening or abusive) text in 2 years does not a stalker make imho

I know I have been heartbroken and wanted to text an ex to ask questions / make contact when I've been feeling desperately sad. My ex did the same to me a few weeks ago. Creepy and stalkerish were not the words that sprang to my mind tbh

Your friemd does like it all her own way doesn't she? I'm assuming she doesn't want her new BF to know she cheated on the last one? Which I can imagine is making her want the Other Girl to go away

WeAreEternal Wed 11-Dec-13 06:44:21

So let me get this straight,

Your 'friend' was in a relationship, felt bored so decided to entertain herself by sleeping with and leading on a friend.
Clearly your 'friend' had no real interest in this woman and was just using her as a play thing. The way you described it several times suggests that your 'friend' was only ever interested in using the woman as entertainment.
When she met a new man who she actually wanted a relationship with she dumped the old one and dumped the friend.
I can imagine that after a six month relationship anyone who isn't a self centered bitch would be invested in the relationship and have feelings, to be thrown away like a piece of rubbish must have been heartbreaking.
Then your 'friend' decided that she still wanted to be friend, I would bet a large sum of money that your 'friend' knew full well that the woman had feelings for her, and continued to string her along, and played on those feeling whenever it benefited her in some way. And then when she lost interest she cut contact with the woman completely.

Now, two years later the woman has obviously come to terms with how much she was used and wants closure on the who thing.
That sounds completely reasonable to me.

One thing is clear in this whole thing, your 'friend' is a selfish user, and also sounds very immature.
Frankly I feel sorry for the current partner.

(I use 'friend' because I strongly believe that it is you not a friend who is the selfish user.)

Fecklessdizzy Wed 11-Dec-13 09:37:11

Sorry I hurt you but you should move on, Best wishes ...

Simples!

Nothing to get all chuffy and indignant about.

Lizzabadger Wed 11-Dec-13 10:03:06

Your friend should just ignore the message.

yaymarshmallows Wed 11-Dec-13 11:54:57

I might be missing something but where does the op say that her friend was already in a relationship when she started the fling?

What's done is done. I'm with Lizzabadger, your friend should just ignore the message.

MaidOfStars Wed 11-Dec-13 11:57:28

From the second (?) post:
* she isn't really her 'ex'. My friend had a boyfriend at the time, this girl was a friend of hers who she hooked up with.*

ActionA Wed 11-Dec-13 12:03:26

OP, you and your friend sound a decidedly grim pair. I've got no problem with somebody deciding in this situation to refuse to meet up because they don't think it will help anybody. But describing this person as "creepy" and "disrespectful" because they've been hurt and texted once in 12 months to ask to talk about it? Sounds like you and your mate are the disrespectful creeps in the story.

sutekidane Wed 11-Dec-13 12:55:39

But it is creepy to expect someone you haven't spoken to in a year to provide you with your closure. If you can't get over things, it's your own responsibility and issue, not the person who you are obsessing about. OPs friend has no responsibility to this person and isn't horrible just because she doesn't want to reply or because she finds it inappropriate.

ActionA Wed 11-Dec-13 13:00:13

Nobody has said she's horrible because she doesn't want to reply. They've said that sleeping with somebody for months and expecting them not to get emotionally involved, and accusing them of being "creepy" when they do is, err, creepy.

MaidOfStars Wed 11-Dec-13 13:02:03

From reading through again, I don't actually see any evidence that the girl in question has called the ex "creepy", "stalkerish", "disrespectful" etc. All of that is the OP's thoughts on the matter...

sutekidane Wed 11-Dec-13 13:06:55

I don't see anything about the OPs friend not expecting the woman to get emotionally involved just that she ended the friendship because the woman had feelings for her. Is it not okay now to not be friends with someone who wants to be more than friends? I gathered OPs friend was calling the woman stalkery for contacting a year later after no contact.

I don't think anyone would reply this way if it was a male friend. If a man came on here and posted the following:

My friend and I used to have sex regularly for six months while she was in a relationship. She met someone else and ended it. She didnt know but I'd fallen in love with her. We stayed good friends for a while afterwards but she realised I had feelings for her and decided to cut contact. It's been a year now and I need closure. Well, not closure, I want to ask her to be friends again rather than have no contact at all. I know she's already decided she would rather not have contact with me but what about my feelings? Don't I deserve friendship?

Everyone would be telling him to leave her alone!

hoppingmad Wed 11-Dec-13 13:29:54

I don't think it's selfish & certainly not stalkery but just a bit weird. I agree with Pictish that the replies would have been slightly different if it'd had been a man.
It was a casual fling that was ended. From what I gather op's friend didn't suspect there were feelings there until sometime after.

Either way the whole thing is ancient history. Your friend should just reply "thanks but no thanks". It's not something to worry about

DoJo Thu 12-Dec-13 21:25:31

My reply wouldn't have been different - I had an ex contact me after nearly three years to ask me for advice with his new girlfriend as he could see it all going wrong in the same way that it had with me and he was really in love with her. I explained what I had found difficult to deal with about his behaviour and he thanked me and wished me well. He wanted help with something really only an ex could give him, and it was no skin off my nose to provide it to him. I'm not sure why the OP's friend seems to think that would be such hard work for her.

sutekidane Thu 12-Dec-13 22:31:35

But the ex in the OPs scenario isn't asking for advice. She's telling OPs friend that even friendship would be better than nothing even though OPs friend has made it clear that friendship isn't an option for her. It's a bit unfair for the ex to decide her feelings about wanting friendship override OPs friends feelings about not wanting friendship. That's the part that makes it stalkery.

FudgefaceMcZ Thu 12-Dec-13 22:46:54

I think it's really selfish and disrespectful to refer to a completely non-threatening message as 'stalkery' when you clearly don't even know what stalking is. Your friend should ignore the message, and hopefully not cheat on people again, but she doesn't have the automatic right to never experience consequences of her actions in the form of other people having human emotions as you seem to think. And yes, I would say the same if it was a man- there is nothing remotely threatening or aggressive about the text message you have posted.

DoJo Fri 13-Dec-13 17:12:42

I'm not saying it's the same situation- I'm saying that those who believe that the advice would be different if it was a male getting in touch with a female after a significant amount of time aren't correct. Stalking is serious, and to imply that someone who is clearly trying to resolve their feelings about an ex falls into that category just for making contact is to make light of an issue which can be terrifying and dangerous.

sutekidane Fri 13-Dec-13 20:26:43

People saying that are responding the situation described in the OP (ie not your scenario of just getting in touch) so that kind of makes your point redundant. The person in the OP is not just asking for a resolution of feelings. They are asking for friendship that has already been vetoed. In that scenario, if it was a man deciding his wanting friendship was more important than the woman not wanting it, everyone would be answering differently.

DoJo Sat 14-Dec-13 00:46:12

I'm not sure you speak for everyone on the thread, but I don't think it's unreasonable to draw a parallel between the two scenarios. If you do, then so be it.

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