To be getting irritated by my want it all dd?

(88 Posts)
Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:14:39

I need some outside persepective and feel like a bad mother so feel free to be harsh and put me back in my place.

Anything anybody has or is doing my dd wants a piece of the action but not in a rude way but it really grates on me for example:

Someone walks into the lounge with a can of coke - ooh coke please may I get a can of coke.
I was given chocolates as a gift, my dh asked if he could have one I said do I get to keep nothing in this place ok have one. I've gone to the box and four are gone, I said to dh why did you eat four and he said he had two and dd asked so he gave her two.
If I go out anywhere dd asks to come too even if its not something she'll enjoy she'd prefer to come along than be left out.

Because I feel bad about not wanting to always include dd due to the cost (she's an old teen so adult cost) or share items with dd, I've stopped doing stuff and purchasing items.

But this is making me begrudge her behaviour more.

If I decline her wants she isn't rude she just accepts it but then I feel guilty. If I don't invite her I then feel guilty.

This is more my issue than my dd's isn't it?

Would I BU if I was to exclude (or not include) dd sometimes?
Would I BU to decline her having something that someone else has sometimes?
Everyone else in the house shares everything with her. No one else in the house is like this, i.e. they don't ask if they see someone with something, they choose to come to things that they ony really really want to do.

coppertop Sun 08-Dec-13 19:17:25

It sounds as though she's copying your dh's behaviour. He asks for one of your chocolates, helps himself to two, and then decides to give two more away to dd.

paxtecum Sun 08-Dec-13 19:21:27

Is she at school or does she work?
Is she the eldest child?

You would not be at all unreasonable to refuse her things or exclude her from things. It would help her learn that she can't always have everything she wants, just by asking for it.

Does she have a Saturday job, or a paper round - so she could earn her own money, to buy all these things she's asking for - at the very least, if she is earning the money to buy these things, she might appreciate the cost and value of them.

DontCallMeDaughter Sun 08-Dec-13 19:24:18

It's fine to say no sometimes. She's not making you feel guilty, you're making you feel guilty!!

You say she doesn't mind if you say no, so you just have to decide which is easier to live with, giving her what she's asked for or the guilt you feel if you say no.

If someone was eating chocolates in front of me (your DH) then I'd want one too... Maybe that's not the best example...

Is she studying or working? If working, is she contributing to the household financially? If she's not working, is she contributing to the household with chores/responsibilities? Is this just about cost or is there more to it?

Workberk Sun 08-Dec-13 19:24:45

Well she sounds like she's doing nothing wrong. She's polite and interested in what you're doing. Compared to many teenagers you should be bloody delighted!

YABU. If you don't want her to do certain things, set boundaries and learn to say no. That's your job as a parent. I can't bear it when people say yes to something and then begrudge it.

SockPinchingMonster Sun 08-Dec-13 19:25:49

YABU and a bit mean to be honest. Poor girl obviously wants to spend time with you rather than be left alone, I think that's nice - my friend complains that her teenage daughter will never do anything or go anywhere with the family, just likes to sit in her room being miserable all the time, at least your dd isn't like that. She is polite when she asks for things and isn't rude when you say no - I don't see what your problem is to be honest :-/

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Dec-13 19:26:31

I think most of us with teenage girls go through this. "Oh a new mascara! I wish I had a new mascara." <sad face> "Can I borrow it?" The next time you see that mascara it's in her make up bag, bone dry.

One thing that strikes me in your case though OP is that your DD seems to like your company. She actually wants to go out with you! That's not too common in girls that age.

Does she work? Does she rely on you entirely for everything?

I don't know how you get round the chocolates. You had them as a gift and it would be nice just once to have something like that for yourself. She really shouldn't be asking for them and neither should your husband. You were given them, not them.

Workberk Sun 08-Dec-13 19:26:59

Just read this again - you seriously begrudge your daughter having a can of coke? That she asks for politely and gets herself?


clearsommespace Sun 08-Dec-13 19:28:08

I think it's perfectly normal behaviour to desire a drink after seeing someone with a drink. Just like I wouldn't dream of getting a drink without offering one to everyone nearby.

youarewinning Sun 08-Dec-13 19:30:45

Sounds to me as if you were expecting as your dd got older (or your DCs if you have more) you'd claw back some more 'me' time but that isn't happening. That doesn't make you selfish but also doesn't make your dd grabby. Maybe buy your dd a 6 pack of coke when you shop or a bottle of coke that's hers and once gone it's gone - then she doesn't have to ask.

I do think yabu to expect to open chocolates and not share - I'd feel mean not sharing so would open them when alone to avoid it!

newmum001 Sun 08-Dec-13 19:34:29

You sound pretty selfish tbh, she wanted a chocolate and a can of coke she's not asking for much. I wouldn't dream of having a box of chocolates completely for myself weather they were a gift or not.

As for the wanting to go everywhere with you, we all like a bit of me time and if she was mithering relentlessly and sulking if you said no I'd maybe understand a touch of resentment but you said yourself she doesn't kick up a fuss. She sounds like a lovely girl and you're coming across as quite harsh!

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:36:10

She's studying 'A' levels, she doesn't want a Saturday job, but never asks for cash (even takes packed lunch rather than have money to buy lunch at college).

She is my eldest and I am lucky in that she wants to spend time with the whole family.

Ok the chocolates one is a bad example who's going to say no to chocolates? What I find annoying is that the larder is constantly stocked of goodies and this may seem really weird but dd never helps herself from the larder where as the others will go and look and say please may I have a coke (sticking to the coke example) and I will say yes. The minute dd sees someone with something for the larder she wants it. So now I find myself saying no to the first one as then that's two cans of coke that are going to be consumed (but dd ends up with 4:1 ratio of the cokes or whatever else is in the larder).

I'll go to the soft play for the little ones benefit and say I'm off to X and she'll ask if she can come to - well it would be unfair to say no but at the same time it's just cost me another £7.50 for her to come too. So now I find myself not going to the soft play rather than not taking her with me.

ShylaMcClaus Sun 08-Dec-13 19:37:13

grin at the new mascara. My DD is a young teen and what's mine is hers. I had the same attitude and once said to my mother, "well I don't see why you need nice make-up and new clothes when you already have a husband and a house and you're over forty anyway"

She had the patience of a saint blush

livinginawinterwonderland Sun 08-Dec-13 19:37:53


She wanted a can of coke 'cause she saw someone else get one, and wanted a chocolate when you opened a box (and let your DH have one, but didn't offer one to her), and she "wants it all".

Really? hmm

clearsommespace Sun 08-Dec-13 19:38:01

Regarding the going out, I think it would be reasonable to say something along the lines of 'Actually, I'd rather do this on my own or spend some time with xxxx. But I'd love to spend time with you next weekend. You can choose how'. That way she chooses an activity she enjoys and you won't feel like money is wasted on an entrance fee to a place that bores her.

shewhowines Sun 08-Dec-13 19:38:29

Don't feel guilty for saying no sometimes. Then you'll feel better when you say yes!

On the coming out with you, you need to say no sometimes for the sake of your friends. I have a friend whose daughter is always there and sits with us, even when she could be doing other things. Sometimes it's extremely annoying as you have to watch what you say. My Dd is used to me saying "off you go, I don't hang around with your friends" - I don't say this all the time obvs but I think it is fair enough sometimes.

livinginawinterwonderland Sun 08-Dec-13 19:39:50

You can just say no or ask her to pay for herself. She's your child too - be grateful that she wants to come along and join in/play with her siblings.

clearsommespace Sun 08-Dec-13 19:39:53

I'd send her to the soft play with the little ones by herself!

annielouisa Sun 08-Dec-13 19:39:56

How old is DD? I agree with those who say if I am getting drink in my house I would ask whoever was there if they wanted one. Chocolates get shared whover has been given a box so no-one needs to ask, as they are offered.

Does DD has friends and opportunities to go out with them? Is she stuck at home when you are out. I know it gets expensive when teens are seen as adults but they may only be 13 or 14 and still reliant on parents.

It does sound like your DD is very polite but maybe you would prefer a sullen, teen stuck in their room and refusing to engage with parents. I have had both types, the polite ones that engage and share what is happening in their lives are much easier in the end.

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:40:43

That's a good idea youarewinning maybe I could make it more treating her than anti her. And give her a shelf in the larder that can be hers.

She doesn't know I begrudge her, I'm just aware that this weekend I've made decisions not to do stuff as not wanting to say no to dd. But I suppose what I should be doing is doing things that I can afford for us all to do and see it as that being why not being her fault.

BoundandRebound Sun 08-Dec-13 19:41:21

They are clearly silly examples of the fact that the DD seems to have no independent thought and constantly wants what others have.

There is a lack of independence and personal space in this relationship. It sounds draining and if its constant im sure its demanding

I'd organise to do something with dd one day then something else with other people another making it clear that she should meet up with friends

Barefootgirl Sun 08-Dec-13 19:41:58

She sounds a bit anxious, actually. My DD is a bit like this, although she is much younger, and also suffers from anxiety. It almost sounds as if your DD wants to stay a child for that bit longer, and have the reassurance of being part of her family.

I like shewhowine's advice that you do some things specifically with her, but then encourage her to be a bit more independent when it comes to things like going to soft play.

OHforDUCKSchristmascake Sun 08-Dec-13 19:42:49

Its very simple.

All you need to do is forgive yourself.

Stop feeling bad for saying no.

clearsommespace Sun 08-Dec-13 19:44:00

OK, I see your point about the drinks if she's the only one drinking one everytime someone else has one. For something like that which is quite unhealthy, I think you need to set a limit. Eg you buy 2 cans a week for all the people in the house who like that drink and they can have 'theirs' when they want.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Dec-13 19:44:14

Would it work if you bought things separately for everyone, eg everyone has one packet of biscuits a week, everyone has X number of Cokes a week/month, etc?

I know it's not ideal but for those people who can't rest if there's something nice to eat in the house <DD, I'm looking at you, missus> then they know everyone's got to have the chance to have something too. It's not fair if your DD is having 4 Cokes to everyone else's one.

I have two children, now adult, and this worked with them.

IamInvisible Sun 08-Dec-13 19:45:36


I wouldn't dream of keeping a box of chocolates, gift or not, for myself. I'd offer them round without a second thought.

I quite often don't fancy something until I see someone else with it.

She is being polite, wants to spend time with her mum and you "begrudge her"!hmm. I feel quite sorry for her, tbh.

Casmama Sun 08-Dec-13 19:47:53

It doesn't sound like you like her very much!
I think if you tried to articulate to her what is irritating you would realise how petty you are being.
If you have a few kids then decide at the beginning how many cans of coke they can have and tell them.

GideonKipper Sun 08-Dec-13 19:50:09

You're BU. I don't see what the poor lass is doing wrong. Surely you're buying food for the family to consume - it shouldn't be that hard to say 'Oi missy, you're not having another can of Coke, leave some for everyone else!' but I can't see the problem with her wanting one after seeing someone else with one.

If she's running round at the softplay entertaining her younger siblings then I probably wouldn't begrudge that all - you could relax with a coffee knowing she's keeping an eye on them for you.

I think your attitude with the chocolates sounds a bit mean. I wouldn't dream of opening something like that in company and not offering them round. Would you do the same if you were in a group of friends?

annielouisa Sun 08-Dec-13 19:50:10

It appears that you are trying to shut your DD out of part of your life. Are you younger children her full siblings?

If I am wrong I apologise but it reminds me of a friend who had two young DC in her second marriage and an older teen from an earlier relationship and although the older teen was a lovely girl her mother constantly seemed annoyed by her.

As you say DD does not ask for money and is working hard for A levels surely an extra £7.50 to allow her to enjoy time with her siblings is not too much?

NurseRoscoe Sun 08-Dec-13 19:54:07

I get annoyed when my 2 year old does this, because I know he doesn't really want whatever I've got (for example I will have a boring cereal bar that he doesn't like and he would have a bag of chocolate buttons that he chose himself at the same time but still ask for mine, or whinge for a bottle of formula milk that his little brother has after I'd already given him his own drink)

However I don't think that is the same as someone who is nearly an adult wanting something because someone else has it, have you never walked past starbucks or mcdonalds or anywhere and fancied something after seeing a picture of it? I think that is similar. I buy drinks and things for the family so anyone would be welcome to them as the kids get older, obviously they aren't allowed coke or anything like that at 2 & 6 months lol.

I do get my own special sweets and things that are mine, DH won't even share these but I won't make a thing of eating them in front of everyone else and not sharing them, they are for my nights when DH is working and the kids are in bed.

Like others have said she probably just wants to spend time with you, even if it is a boring trip would you not be glad of the company? if you are going out with friends for a coffee or something I could understand that but maybe make other plans to do the same thing with her for another day so she doesn't feel upset and you don't feel guilty?

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:59:16

The soft play she sits with me on electronic gadget so doesn't want to natter, I try to chat with her and she'll answer the questions but conversation doesn't flow.

Chocolates were in the larder I hadn't hidden them, dh asked who's they were and I commented they were mine but if he must he could have one, he left the wrapper on side dd saw it and asked him where they were and could she have one he said yes and asked her to get him another one so she saw it as he had two it was only right and fair that she also had two. There were only 6 in the pack, if one other dc was the same I wouldn't have got any.

She's same parents.

Maybe as a pp said it's an anxiety thing and she hasn't got the confidence to ask first so needs to wait for someone else.

She is very young for her age.

paxtecum Sun 08-Dec-13 20:02:24

Stop buying coke. It isn't good for anyone, child or adult.

I think you are being a bit UR.

Enjoy her company.

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 20:04:22

NurseRoscoe that's exactly what it's like, she can be eating an apple and someone walks in with a banana and she'll say oh can I have a banana. It's like the bananas were there when you got an apple you are seeing someone else with something so you've got to have it so then she's had an apple and a banana. (It's not only food/drink those are just the easy examples its continuous every single item someone has).

Younger child had hole in trainers, brought new shoes dd was with me picked up a pair of shoes and said these are nice can I have these too, I did say no then she didn't need shoes she didn't want the shoes she just saw and wanted at same time.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 08-Dec-13 20:05:07

You talk about your dd as if she is an annoying acquaintance. You also sound extremely petty.

frogspoon Sun 08-Dec-13 20:06:04

Sorry, but I don't really see what she is doing wrong. She asks permission before taking something and isn't rude if you decline. Your DH on the other hand took 2 of your chocs when you said he could have one, then gave 2 more away without asking either.

Is the problem that she does not share with others but expects to have stuff shared with her
e.g. she won't share her chocolates but wants yours

Or does she expects others to get/ make stuff for her but won't reciprocate.
e.g. She never offers to make tea, but will ask you for some when your making

If she shares to an equal level as other family members, I fail to see what she is doing wrong.

It sounds like you are excluding her a bit from family life, by only doing things that her younger siblings (are they a lot younger?) enjoy, but not wanting to spend any time with her.

Why don't you do some things together that the whole family can enjoy? Or say to her that you don't expect her to come to soft play with her younger siblings as she is older, but you will have a grown up bonding session together e.g. shopping or trip to a spa.

rabbitlady Sun 08-Dec-13 20:12:51

what has happened is that your dd has grown up and become another female in your den. if she minds her manners, you'll tolerate her, but otherwise she can move on and start her own group. she's above herself, demanding everything she can'll need to nip her on the rear quarters, maybe cuff her with a strong paw, box her if necessary, if you're sure you can win. don't let her step out of line. your mate is supporting her, that's not going to help. undermine her with him, gently.
its just nature, that's all.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 08-Dec-13 20:13:59

She sounds a bit of a greedy pain but nothing major.

"Mum can I have a can of coke".

"No, I only bought 6 cans and you've already had 3 of them. There are
X other people in this house that would like one too".

It's that easy.

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 20:16:17

I do things that are in five categories (or I see them as 5 categories)

1) Time with my friends (no children) this she accepts and doesn't ask to come to
2) Time with dh (no children) she'll normally ask to come to this one and I'll say no and dh will say to me later there was no reason for her not to come with us (true she can sit in the restaurant with us or whatever but I want time with dh (he's not fussed by it)).
3) Time with dd - usually this involves me spending copious amounts clothes shopping grin
4) Time with all - eg cinema trip of course she's invited and is included
5) Time for younger ones - e.g. soft play as say she comes too.

I currently don't exclude her, I am just aware I'm cutting back on numbers 2 and 5 because dd will want to come.

She never makes anything herself and always asks, for eg tea. She won't want a tea until someone else is making one. But by the same token no one would say to her go and make the tea.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Dec-13 20:17:21

So you were given the chocolates and only ended up with the same number as your husband and daughter? That is wrong of both of them and I'd have words about that. I know you're all part of a family but ffs if someone gives you a gift you should be allowed to enjoy it.

Your DD sounds quite anxious from the way you talk about her. Does she have many friends of her own? Does she go out?

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 20:18:03

Rabbit that is a very good analogy and I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I really don't understand the problem. I was expecting this to be a dd who was asking for a load of things for Christmas, but in fact all she wants is to go out with you occasionally and drink the odd Coke etc. Am I missing something?

WhoNickedMyName Sun 08-Dec-13 20:19:38

Is there a big age gap between her and your other children?

CaptainSweatPants Sun 08-Dec-13 20:20:46

sounds like me whe I was a teen full of hormones and my mum going through the menopause
everythign I said or did wound her up the wrong way
I still tread on egg shells to this day and I know it's a hang up of mine from when she snapped at everything I did

not sharng chocolates is mean
all this they're mine, not yours

frogspoon Sun 08-Dec-13 20:22:09

Ah ok suspect, that makes things much clearer, I can see your point.

Just remind her when she asks that this is an activity for younger DCs, she wouldn't really enjoy it, and that she has family cinema trip/ shopping with you next week to look forward to. And be firm about 2, that is private time for you and DH (and tell DH to be firm as well).

Maybe ask her to make tea occasionally (my parents did this all the time- I don't even drink tea!)

She sounds quite lonely, I am surprised at her age she even has time to go out with family rather than seeing her friends. Does she not have any friends?

gimcrack Sun 08-Dec-13 20:30:44

Set some boundaries. What isn't acceptable and - most importantly - what is. It sounds as though she's a tiny bit annoying sometimes but you find her annoying a lot of times. Think about what is fair. If she is overstepping, be honest. But also be honest with yourself. You should also set aside some time just for her.

moldingsunbeams Sun 08-Dec-13 20:31:21

Our house is like this, very often my mum will say that she does not feel like x or y and then when she sees someone with it she suddenly fancies it, I have done it too.

Why does she not just go to the larder like the others?

I think tbh its what teens do, particularly the shoes example, my friend takes her son for shoes and his brother will always spot a "cool" pair and ask for them, she says no and thats that, resenting her over it when she is over wise seemingly well behaved and polite seems a bit ott.

Helpmestaysane Sun 08-Dec-13 20:32:02

How old is she?

Fairylea Sun 08-Dec-13 20:35:54

I think you sound a bit mean to be honest.

Why on earth get so stressed over a can of coke or some chocolates? You can either afford for everyone to have some or you don't buy them. You can't buy them and then be tight about it. If she's having more than her share then fair enough tell her so.

And she wants to go out with you... what's so bad about that? If it's a money issue you need to either do things with the younger one when dd is at college or readjust your budget so that you can find things to do together.

You seem to expect your dd to be an adult and she isn't quite there yet!

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 08-Dec-13 20:43:56

You need to find a new softplay! £7.50 for an adult is outrageous!

<misses the point>

Thisismyfirsttime Sun 08-Dec-13 20:48:32

Have you asked her why she wants to come to soft play etc with you and the smaller ones if she's just going to sit on her phone or whatever and not engage? She could do that at home!

Tikkamasala Sun 08-Dec-13 20:50:03

I feel a bit sorry for her reading all this

TheHippyWhoWearsLippy Sun 08-Dec-13 20:51:44

Ah I feel sorry got your daughter. You really sound as though you dislike her. Be honest, do you? She sounds like a normal teenager who wishes her mum would spend a bit more time with her what's wrong with that. Maybe she wants to be included more, maybe she's in need of your support at the minute. Who knows but yabu & should rethink your attitude towards her.

moldingsunbeams Sun 08-Dec-13 20:55:58

I only know one place that charges for adults and you can actually play and they charge £10 but I refuse to go.

SteamWisher Sun 08-Dec-13 21:01:21

Do you like your daughter? It sounds like not.

And she will pick up on it- maybe not consciously but it will e there, a sense of irritation.

Do you spend quality one on one time with her? Does she have many friends?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 08-Dec-13 21:15:55

You're NOT being at all unreasonable OP. I think some of the posters here have misunderstood the points you're making.

I wonder what the age gap is between your daughter and her siblings? It sounds to me as if she's feeling insecure at growing up (and the looming of independence that this brings) and is trying to exert her perceived authority - and importance - in the household. She wants what everybody else has and everytime she gets this (whatever it is), feels her position is validated.

I also think she's competing with you; eating your chocolates was not only greedy but also challenging you in a way ie. she's just as entitled to have them as your husband is and you must maintain your 'caring' role as she's the child.

In your position I'd be thinking about what I will tolerate and what I won't and making sure that the next time she asks for something that I don't want to do that I'll say 'no'. Your husband needs to understand this too and back you up every time. If he disagrees with you at any point it must be brought up privately between the two of you.

I'd also keep her 'fair shares' in check as she doesn't seem to have much in the way of 'brakes' here. It's not the item that's at issue, coke or whatever, it's the constant need to have X-thing of her choice - and ALSO Y-thing of somebody else's choice just because she can. That's excessively greedy and unfair of her.

I feel sorry for your daughter as being a teen is no fun but I think that some really firm boundaries would make her - and your household - much happier.

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 21:22:29

That's a very good post Lying thank you.

There's 6 years between her and the next one.

I do love her lots as I love them all but she is the one who's always there. She's got lots of people she gets on with but no close friends, she can go for weeks without going out socially, she does an activity 2 evenings a week, other than that she's with us.

Thank you for the comments as I said I did need outside perspective.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 08-Dec-13 21:38:38

Quite a gap then, Suspect. I remember feeling very much 'all at sea' as a teen; things were difficult at school and my homelife certainly wasn't as settled as your daughter's is. I remember thinking I was filling a 'motherly' role with my three younger brothers when really, the truth was that this self-awarded role sufficiently distracted me from 'growing up'.

Do you think you could perhaps set her up with some activities in which she will have to engage with her peers? Drama club, sports or something that will get her out of the house and mixing with people of her own age? Would there be an age-appropriate task or activity that you could give her - and reward her for like babysitting for your friends or neighbours, etc.? Anything to get her out of the home sometimes and build up her confidence and circle of friends and acquaintances.

It's obvious that you love all of your children; I think that as long as you're like a stuck record in reassuring your daughter of that, you can refuse her whatever you feel you need to. 'Things' don't equal love or caring.

Best of luck, I wouldn't go back to my teen years for anything.

frogspoon Sun 08-Dec-13 21:40:47

She's got lots of people she gets on with but no close friends, she can go for weeks without going out socially, she does an activity 2 evenings a week, other than that she's with us.

I think this is the bigger issue. As I said earlier, she is probably quite lonely. Teenagers her age would normally be out socialising with their friends, not wanting to spend time with parents. What sort of activities does she do? Are they group activities? She needs to form a wider circle of friends, that way she will be out of the house and annoy you less too.

Fukeit Sun 08-Dec-13 22:08:57

Op I feel sorry for your DD.

Is she too old for some love bombing? Build her confidence & help her make her own friends?

Wingdingdong Sun 08-Dec-13 22:49:25

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to be left out, but obviously feels that way sad. It's very polite attention-seeking!

Do you ever do anything just the two of you?

Helpmestaysane Sun 08-Dec-13 22:59:02

It does sound attention seeking ut I sense your irritation comes from the fact that she is more demanding than the others even though she's older and you don't really understand why.
Imagine for a moment she were your only child..... Hold that thought, do you think you would have a different attitude?
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you thought she would be easier by now and tat hasn't happened, or maybe you are anxious about her and it is coming out in irritation.
How old is she?

annielouisa Sun 08-Dec-13 23:00:05

I think maybe instead of focusing on chocolates and cokes the bigger problem is your DD social isolation and anxiety. You say she is young for her age does she actually have any issues? How long has she behaved in this quite clingy and needy way?

Have you discussed counselling or tried to get her involved with groups that may help her develop supportive friendships. If she did not attend soft play with you would she be left alone at home perhaps she is struggling with that.

perlona Sun 08-Dec-13 23:23:25

I'd be concerned about her lack of peer group, it's serious if she's desperate enough to hang out with you and her younger siblings at softplay. Teenagers need a lot of social interaction and your daughter doesn't have any friends to interact with. That's the problem.

I also find it odd that she feels the need to ask for a banana. Excepting treats and food you have for specific meals, surely if she is hungry should be able to go to get herself a banana or a sandwich? Asking is something a much younger child would do.

Now if somebody came in here with a box of chocolates I would ask for some, that's normal, it's chocolate, everybody loves chocolate and it can be very difficult to resist if it's in the same room. You're greedy not to share.

She needs more confidence and the ability to make her own decisions. Tell her to stop asking for food and help herself when she needs something (within reason for coke etc...). You could offer some money every week for her to go out with people her own age. Perhaps she is being invited places but can't go due to lack of funds and doesn't want to ask because you're the type who begrudges her a couple of chocolates. If you can afford it why not offer to pay for dance classes/yoga/anything to get her out of the house to meet new people, promote good health and make her feel good about herself?

Build her up before someone looking for weakness comes along to take advantage, her immaturity, lack of confidence and loneliness make her very vulnerable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 08-Dec-13 23:54:51

Did anybody posting that the OP is unreasonable about the chocolates bother to read that the TOTAL number of chocolates in the gift box was SIX and that the daughter and her father ate four of them? Now that's greedy!

GideonKipper Mon 09-Dec-13 12:05:08

Yes we read that but I think that's a problem with the husband tbh. I also think he has the problem with boundaries if he's happy for dd to come along when you're supposed to be out together.

I do feel sorry for the girl. She should have her own social life at that age, maybe she could be gently encouraged to get in touch with those people she does get on with to arrange to meet up. And it wouldn't do any harm to turn her down in a gently knockabout way iyswim:

"No dd, you can't come to softplay. I'm not paying £7.50 for you to sit there on your phone, you can do that at home!". "Don't be daft, I'm not buying you new shoes. Your brother's trainers have got holes in, yours are fine." I treat my dc like this and they're all under ten.

You're obviously including her at the moment but seething inwardly.

GideonKipper Mon 09-Dec-13 12:07:00

I've just read perlona's post and strongly agree.

Branleuse Mon 09-Dec-13 12:13:08

i think its just shes getting to the age when youre quite naturally getting pissed off with nearly adult kids being under your feet or demanding.

I dont think shes actually doing anything wrong, youre just finding her starting to be irritating, in the last bit before she leaves home.

wordfactory Mon 09-Dec-13 12:24:17

OP, it strikes me that this is more about you than your DD.

And I don't say that as a critisism. It seems to me that you feel swallowed up as if there's no space for you, your own things, your own space.

This is common for Mums. Everything about them is communal and it can wear you down. The issue with your chocolates highlights this. It's not that you care that much about them, it's just that they were a special gift for you. There is plenty of other stuff the family can have, communal stuff, but no, they had to have yours.

If this sounds familiar, then you need to work on carving out some space for yourself in your family. If I'm wrong, just ignore me grin.

Worried3 Mon 09-Dec-13 12:41:57

I think you are being unreasonable in some respects. You are not unreasonable to say "no" to her. That's one of the ways we set boundaries for our children and is not a bad thing to do, as long as all siblings are treated fairly.

I think the problem lies with your attitude towards your DD. You don't seem to like her very much at the minute. I know you think that she doesn't know you resent her, but it is quite possible that she picks up on it and this could explain her clinginess. Children are very perceptive. It's also possible that she's really shy and/or anxious. You say she's quite immature for her age, don't you think this might have a bearing on her behaviour? I think you should be focussing on how you can encourage her independence- not how best to go about "excluding" her from activities that you do with your other children. I have to admit, that phrase made me wince.

If you can't afford for her to do some activities, simply explain that to her. Or say she can come if she can pay for it herself. Don't say yes, then build up resentment towards her- you made the decision to say yes, after all.

Say no if she asks to come and you can't afford it, or think you should do something with the younger children or whatever the reason. Then arrange something to do with her (doesn't have to be expensive) so she does get some of your time alone too.

I also think you're being a bit harsh around her asking for food/drink etc. You say that if you say no, she doesn't moan or huff, and that she always asks politely. So I would say it is mostly your problem- if you don't want her to have something, then simply say "well, you've had your share of the coke, and I don't think you should have more" or something similar. Don't feel bad about it, as long as you are treating the others the same.

Others have suggested getting her her own supply, I think it might be easier to just say there is only x number of cans of coke/juice/packets of crisps etc per person, and once you've had your share, that's it. That way you aren't singling her out and all your children may learn something too.

I know I have been quite critical OP, I'm sure you love your children. I think you just need to be careful that you don't store up problems for your relationship with your DD in the future. I also wonder if there is a deeper worry here too- perhaps money's tight, problems with feeling DH doesn't back you up or something. Could be wrong, though.

sutekidane Mon 09-Dec-13 12:44:06

I think she sounds lonely generally and her being older than her siblings is making her feel left out and lonely at home too. It sounds to me like she asks all these things because she wants to join in. She doesn't quite fit with the younger ones but doesn't fit with you and your DH either so she's just kind of there.

Orangeanddemons Mon 09-Dec-13 12:52:55

I have a dd like this, although she is only 7. It isn't about chocolates, coke, bananas or shoes.

It is about wanting attention and input. I don't know why my dd is like this, none of the others were. Despite every effort to put in boundaries she just doesn't understand. I love her to bits, more than my life, but sometimes feel swallowed up by her

Weegiemum Mon 09-Dec-13 13:02:55

I think that given the age gap and her desire to go along with you and dh, could you occasionally do things with just you, dh and her.

It's very important for parents to get time alone and she shouldn't be allowed to encroach on that, but some activities just for the "grown ups" (not parents) in the house might be good?

VodkaJelly Mon 09-Dec-13 13:16:27

I kind of know where you are coming from. My DS2 is the same. If somebody gets anything to eat or drink, he has to have the same.

For example, there were some bananas in the fridge and were starting to go off they were there that long. DS3 came into the living room and asked for a banana and I said yes. DS2 then pipes up "oh, oh, can I have a banana". he didnt actually want a banana it was just because somebody else had something.

It is the same with sweets/drinks et. If DS3 get a drink (even if just water) DS2 has to get one, if DS3 gets himself breakfast, DS2 has to then get himself the same.

It is pretty tiring, you wait for someone to ask for something and know that he will want it also.

HMOD Mon 09-Dec-13 13:16:52

Did anybody posting that the OP is unreasonable about the chocolates bother to read that the TOTAL number of chocolates in the gift box was SIX and that the daughter and her father ate four of them? Now that's greedy!

Copying and pasting because people are missing this! Honestly, if you're too busy to read the entire thread (a whole three pages), then you're too busy to write a response.

ICameOnTheJitney Mon 09-Dec-13 13:20:15

My sisters DD is 21 and ALWAYS comes to everything with her. It irritates me tbh. Why does a 21 year old want to hang out with her old aunty and mum!? I wouldn;t mind sometimes of course but I never get to be with my sister alone...ever! I think it's quite common and due to a bit of spoiling.

livinginawinterwonderland Mon 09-Dec-13 13:23:45

*Did anybody posting that the OP is unreasonable about the chocolates bother to read that the TOTAL number of chocolates in the gift box was SIX and that the daughter and her father ate four of them? Now that's greedy!

Copying and pasting because people are missing this! Honestly, if you're too busy to read the entire thread (a whole three pages), then you're too busy to write a response.*

You're also missing that it's the OP's husband that took two and allowed the DD to take another two. Surely the husband needs to take the blame for that one?

HMOD Mon 09-Dec-13 13:38:25

Surely if her DD is an 'old teen' she should realise that scoffing a third of her mother's chocolate (given as a gift) is not on? IMO, husband and daughter are equally responsible.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers Mon 09-Dec-13 13:42:38

I think your dh is the rude one tbh and your dd is copying him.
I tell mine no all the time, it stops them growing up spoilt and entitled. You need to say no and set boundaries and also say no to your dh.

cuddlymoomoo Mon 09-Dec-13 14:05:18

I'm with Remus - I thought she would be wanting an iphone and an xbox one and an ipad and everything else confused, not two chocolates and a banana.

Don't you just joke about stuff? Isn't that more normal? Chocolates - only 6? Right, one each or, bugger off, they're all mine would be the rule here. Drinks/snacks - write your names on the cans, the youngest gets that as his job (instead of the actual drinks - I'm cruel) and they just laugh about it. Soft play? Find a new one that doesn't charge adults.

I agree with the person who made the point about territory. She sounds fine - you sound a bit odd though.

livinginawinterwonderland Mon 09-Dec-13 14:18:08

Yeah, maybe she should have realised, but she's a teenager and just wanted the same as what her dad had, and her dad said she could have them. The husband is to blame re. the chocolates. OP said he could have one, not two and give another two away as well.

sutekidane Mon 09-Dec-13 14:21:47

I keep thinking about this thread and feeling sorry for the dd. She's floating along just living life without even realising her mum is silently resenting things she's doing every day. Poor girl.

happygirl87 Mon 09-Dec-13 15:43:58

In relation to coke or whatever, I can see that if you buy a 6 pack and [other DC number 1] has a coke on Monday and DD wants one too, then [other DC number 2] has one on Tues and DD wants one too, then DH has one on Wed and DD wants one too the she is getting more. I think with treats you need to make it clear that they should be shared.

But bigger picture, is DD anxious/lonely? It's bit unusual to want to come to soft play when you could be at home, playing loud music slamming doors and complaining that life is SOOOO unfair wink. Does she have friends? I think to avoid resenting her you need to decide (and confirm privately with DH) that x activities (e.g. going out with him on Tues, going to soft play on Sat etc) will be without her. Then when she asks to come, say that you want time with DH/can't afford it- she's old enough to understand that- and suggest she does something else instead whilst you are out.

Re the chocs, save them for your bath or similar and no-one else can have one!

ElenorRigby Mon 09-Dec-13 16:06:15

DSD kinda does this especially with DD.

Recent example: DD went to her schools Christmas fair. DD comes home with a gold coloured crown worth pennies. DSD then wants that crown and wears it all bloomin evening. There is no way DSD really wants it, she just wants what DD has. She does this a lot.

I can only put it down to insecurity and jealousy. Poor DSD has admitted to being jealous of DD.

ElenorRigby Mon 09-Dec-13 16:09:23

OP just read there are 6 years between your eldest and the next one.

There are 5 1/2 years between DSD and DD.

GideonKipper Mon 09-Dec-13 17:14:44

HMOD well if you had read the full thread you'd see I responded to that point in my post which followed straight on from that one hmm.

AbiRoad Mon 09-Dec-13 17:19:12

I agree with others that your examples are pretty trivial (even knowing there were only 6 chocolates) and I was also expecting a list of demands for phones and IPads etc. But maybe you just chose bad examples and there is a real point here. it sounds to me that (as others have said) the real point is that your DD is both lonely and insecure, and that is what you need to be addressing. I have a (younger) DD who suffers from the insecurity - she sometimes won't express a view until her sister does, or will change her mind as soon as her sister says what she wants. Sometimes it is because she genuinely cannot decide. others times, it is because she is not confident in her decision. She also copies her sister's ideas about hoemwork (they are twins) even if in fact her own original idea was better. It is something we are working on with her.

LucilleBluth Mon 09-Dec-13 18:46:14

I can kind of see where the OP is coming from. I have three DCs, but only DS1 can wind me up to the point where I feel dizzy with anger, I love him, I adore him, he's my pfb, he's smart, clever, talented, handsome but oh my god can he drive me mad in a way his brother and sister can't.

It doesn't mean I love him any less but it's a personality thing. DS1 wants everything DS2 has, coke being a prime example......I hardly ever buy fizzy drinks but when for some reason I do DS1 would drink them all by the end of the day, the world is against him. My way of dealing with him to for us to have our conflict then talk about it, he's 12 now and we talk a lot.

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