To have left this party early? (Long, sorry!)

(77 Posts)
BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 22:50:49

We went to a family party tonight that SIL had organised which was held at her house. When we were first invited it was addressed to the whole family so me, dh, DSS and dd. DSS is 7 and dd is 9 months. The invite said the party started at 6 so we asked if we could bring a travel cot to put dd in as she normally struggles with staying awake past 6:30ish. SIL said yes of course and she thought it was a good idea as it'd mean we could stay later. She has a DS who is 1.5 so would also be putting him to bed early.

Fast forward to yesterday when I got a text to say that the party had been moved to 7:30. I said that it may be an issue with dd's sleep as there's no way she'd stay awake until then especially as we have to drive there - she'd fall asleep on the way there and would be a nightmare. I then said "oh but as long as we're still ok to bring the travel cot I may be able to settle her as soon as we get there". SIL then said "oh I thought I told you, we've decided there's no room for a travel cot, sorry." I then said that it'd probably be best if I didn't bring dd then and stayed at home with her but that dh and DSS would still go. SIL asked if we could get a babysitter - we couldn't as MiL wasn't free and everyone else we trust would be at the party. She then said that she thought DSS would find the party boring so why couldn't dh stay at home with both kids and I come on my own? I said that I wouldn't be comfortable with that as dd is teething pretty badly and has had some horrible nights recently where she won't settle for anyone but me. I know this sounds really precious and pfb but as DSS doesn't live with us we are not happy about getting a babysitter when he's with us. I said I was sorry but it didn't look like it'd work so I'd drop a card/pressie round during the day and I hoped the party would go well.

Anyway, SIL got all upset and said she really wanted us all there so why didn't we go at 6 and see them and then the party would start properly at 7ish. I said yes as I felt that she was really trying to accommodate us at that point but I made it clear that if dd was struggling then we'd have to leave. Dd is normally great at settling herself to sleep as long as she's in a quiet dark room, in a bed. If there's anything going on in the same room, she's a nightmare!

I also asked if we should feed DSS before we got there and was told definitely no, there would be buffet food and they didn't want DSS to spoil his appetite. Anyway to cut a long story short, dd suddenly found some stamina from somewhere cos she was still fine by 7:30, and all the guests had arrived at 6 so I guess the start time was changed for everyone. But DSS was really hungry - he hasn't eaten since lunch. The food was out on a table under some cling film, so dh sent DSS to ask SIL if he could have some food. He was really polite but SIL said no - he'd have to wait. DSS came back and was quite upset but we were sure he wouldn't have to wait long. At 8pm dh went and asked and was told yes but in a few minutes. My db was also asking SIL if DSS could have some food but was also told no. It got to 8:30 and we decided that DSS couldn't wait any longer so we went home. We got DSS some food after we got back and then he went straight to bed.

I know this is really petty but we then got a snotty text from SIL asking why we'd gone so early and that if something was wrong then why didn't we say something at the time? I replied saying that DSS was really hungry and we didn't want him to get upset and ruin the party and that we thought it was best to get him fed as soon as we could. It just feels like SIL didn't want him there and was trying to make the point that it was an adults' party therefore the food doesn't get served until much later. But if that was the case then why tell us not to feed him beforehand? My dad stayed at the party and said the food was finally opened at just after 9 so was IBU to go and also to be honest about why we left?

BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 22:54:23

By the way I should have separated the last bit into 2 paragraphs. I didn't text the bit about SIL not wanting him there etc, just about being hungry and needing food ASAP.

friday16 Sat 07-Dec-13 22:54:31

You were entirely reasonable. And your SIL is a prize arse.

notundermyfoof Sat 07-Dec-13 22:54:39

Yanbu, your sil sounds like hard work!

SaucyJack Sat 07-Dec-13 22:56:12

Your SIL is a control freak who like to regain power by making life needlessly difficult for other people.

Don't waste any more headspace on her than you a;ready have today. Have a nice glass of wine and read a book instead.

You were not U at all, either for leaving at that point or for telling SIL why. I cannot imagine anyone being cruel enough to deny food to a hungry 7-yr-old for all that time!

BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 22:57:12

She is normally lovely which is why I agreed to still go to the party even though it was a real faff for us. I honestly didn't expect DSS (or dd) to be treated like that and I know my brother was upset both at how we were treated and the fact we had to go early. I was just so angry on DSS' behalf, he is a lovely boy and none of the guests would have minded him having a little plate of food an hour or so earlier than everyone else.

Euphemia Sat 07-Dec-13 22:57:50


What an utterly pointless party - who was it aimed at, exactly? Why the pissing about with start time, eating arrangements, etc?

NancyOsbourne Sat 07-Dec-13 22:57:53

I think YABU to not have given DSS a snack between lunch and the party really - even if food was expected it is still a long stretch for him to cope with being not fed.

However generally it seems your SIL is a spoilt madam who expects lots of people including young children to do as she wants rather than what's needed.

I don't think it needs a massive falling out just better prep in future and be aware this is what she is like.

I don't think YWBU.

You had explained all the potential problems with your SIL, you had made compromises, and most people are aware that a hungry child needs feeding, not kept from food for such a long time. And your SIL was unreasonable because she hadn't pre-warned you that the food would be served late.

BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 22:58:49

I just feel so stupid for not feeding DSS beforehand anyway despite what they told me but like I said SIL has absolutely no form for this so I had no idea this kind of thing would happen. I was even feeding him dd's mini breadsticks and rice cakes at one point just to show how ridiculous the situation was! smile

Re-reading this, is your DB your SIL's DH? then why didn't he just get up and serve the child some food? Instead of just being upset about it?

BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 23:01:30

Euphemia it was an adult's birthday party but 90% of the guests were from our family so we knew most people there. They were all really embarrassed about the whole situation (and I think they were hungry too - I know I was!)

HaroldTheGoat Sat 07-Dec-13 23:02:14

You are not being unreasonable, why couldn't she have given him something to eat? Even if she wanted to serve it properly later she could have put a few bits on a plate for him. How mean.

Don't let her cob on with you about this.

BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 23:04:53

FryOne he is yes, he did say something to SIL who said she was going to serve the food in a minute so he left it at that, then his son (who'd been put to bed) woke up and needed him and took ages to settle again, by which time we'd had to decide to go. So he was upset as we were walking out the door as he'd expected DSS to have been fed by then.

friday16 Sat 07-Dec-13 23:06:34

and I think they were hungry too

Indeed. If I were invited to a party from six onwards and found myself stood around looking for the food for three hours I think I'd leave and get fish and chips myself, children or no. Life's too short for shit parties with useless hosts playing games.

NancyOsbourne Sat 07-Dec-13 23:07:11

Honestly we all forget sometimes and despite saying YABU for not giving him some snacks etc I can see that as you DB's wife you would take her word for it and wouldn't expect her to withhold food.

I agree that your DB could have helped more and told her straight but he probably is used to this behaviour.

I can see why your DB was upset, now you've explained.

And as for your SIL's text, well, you did say something at the time, you were asking for food for your DSS. It's not like she didn't know.

Although she may well have said to your DB that you didn't make it clear to her.

Vampyreof Sat 07-Dec-13 23:09:06

how stupid and pathetic of her!

CSIJanner Sat 07-Dec-13 23:12:31


Your SIL was a prize arse. Next time, order in pizza. It will arrive before SIL serves.

friday16 Sat 07-Dec-13 23:12:36

OP, just forget it. Either your sister was stressed and forgetful, in which case she'll quietly apologise, or she was trying to be a controlling arse, in which case you know where you stand. See what is said next time you see her.

But I'd suggest avoiding Christmas with them, because they do sound hard work. "No room for a travel cot?" Seriously?

Notcontent Sat 07-Dec-13 23:16:39

I can't believe someone would make a hungry child wait for food like that! I would be furious.

BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 23:16:51

Yes FryOne she had been asked for food 3 times by DSS, dh and db. I'd also told her that DSS normally goes to bed at 7:30-8ish so having known that I'd been told not to feed him beforehand and also knowing that we were originally only going to stay until 7:30ish, when did she expect him to eat?! I'm now thinking that she didn't cater for us which is why it wasn't served until after we went but there was loads of food there, definitely enough for everyone and more! And if she didn't have enough food then why tell us not to feed DSS before he came?

BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 23:19:58

friday we are meant to be going round on Boxing Day sad

I may pack a picnic.

But on a serious note I am not going to drink (I don't normally have much anyway) so that if she pulls a stunt like that again then I'm driving DSS home to have the biggest turkey leftover sandwich EVER smile

feelingvunerable Sat 07-Dec-13 23:23:11

YANBU. Agree with the poster who said how rude to invite people round for 6pm then make them wait until 9pm for food.

Sil sounds like a nightmare.

WilsonFrickett Sat 07-Dec-13 23:27:28

Jesus, what a prize tit.

Anyone who has ever come to my house: child is hungry, can I give them some food?

Me: yes, shit, yes, sorry, are they hungry, let me over compensate with a giant plate of food.

Bad, bad hosting...

BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 23:34:20

The thing is Wilson that's exactly what she's normally like. I can't put into words how surprised I am at how she was tonight sad

SomethingOnce Sat 07-Dec-13 23:35:38

Who denies a 7yo a plate of food?!

Has anything happened to make her act weirdly? YANBU - she was being strange. Wilson is spot on - that is the normal reaction.

Screamqueen Sat 07-Dec-13 23:49:22

I wouldnt be going near her on Boxing Day until you speak to her about what has happened - as somethingonce said, seriously who denies a child some food just because they have decided its not "time" to serve food? !

maddening Sat 07-Dec-13 23:58:10

if I were at my brother's house I would have fucked off to the kitchen to make dss some dinner!

BinkieWoo Sun 08-Dec-13 00:00:40

Well breathe there is quite a lot going on at the moment to be honest. I don't want to say too much in case it's too identifying but there are some issues in terms of her DS and his speech/social development which have only recently come to light, they are pretty severe and are currently being investigated by consultants etc but potentially leading to an ASD-type diagnosis. And...the reason they were picked up recently was family members comparing her DS to my dd who is 9 months younger and more socially developed than her cousin. So ever since then I have noticed she's had a kind of reluctance to have her DS and my dd in the same room together when family are around, they have stopped attending family events when we are there but are totally fine when we are on our own. She has talked about how stressed she is about it all and I know that watching dd develop is upsetting her even more and she doesn't want to witness her progress despite the fact she loves dd very much.

When she invited us over tonight I'd hoped that maybe this was her way of saying that she was ok with everything - maybe she suddenly decided she wasn't ok and wanted us to go home. I don't know.

She certainly wasn't acting as she normally does in terms of the decisions she made regarding DSS but seemed perfectly normal otherwise tonight.

pinkdelight Sun 08-Dec-13 00:00:55

She sounds like a shit host. All that stressing about timings and changing her mind about the cot and the food madness. She really shouldn't be givin parties if it gets her so uptight. I'd have shown my face, made an excuse and left by 7.30 so you did well I reckon. She only texted in a huff because she knows deep down her party was not very good but she can't face it so is finding fault wherever else she can.

pinkdelight Sun 08-Dec-13 00:03:42

Ps: I know this because I am a shit host, so I don't give parties, but I can imagine how wound up she was inside. Don't worry, she didn't have your interests at heart at all.

Caitlin17 Sun 08-Dec-13 04:15:02

It sounds like a terrible party for all concerned. It started at 6 but no food appeared until 9? Even if the food was more formal than party nibbles most people have crisps and nuts and stuff before the main food.

And even if she hadn't, why couldn't she have let you take the boy into the kitchen and given a sandwich or cornflakes or beans on toast or a piece of fruit.

Homebird8 Sun 08-Dec-13 04:31:34

If she didn't want you all there then there was no need to change the time back to 6 o'clock so that you all could go when you'd said you were happy to wish them well and give it a miss this time.

There is no link, in my mind, between her understandable emotion as she struggles to come to terms with her DS's development issues, and your DSS's need for food. I'd be nonplussed too.

Given that you say your SIL's behaviour is totally out of the ordinary, then I'd wait and see whether there is a good calm time, during normal conversation to have chat with her about the party. I would still plan to go for Boxing Day but with a secret stash of emergency food just in case. I have taken cool bag of goodies to relatives' homes before (and sometimes had to use it). Needn't be pointed and gives everyone time to return to previous predictable and good natured behaviour.

I suspect your DB will deal. Good luck.

Lavenderhoney Sun 08-Dec-13 04:53:29

You had already said you would leave early so I don't see why she got so upset.

Refusing a child food is awful, but maybe she thought if he had something everyone would want to start. But surely buffet food left out for a few hours in plain view is going to get people wanting some?

I would just text back and say, " we did say we would have to go early, hope the party went well, see you Boxing Day"

But I would probably phone than get into a text war. Or send the above text then call and say, look, did you see my text? And refuse to be made to argue.

And have a massive full English before you go Boxing Day. And ensure you have something that just needs heating up for when you get home.

sandfish Sun 08-Dec-13 05:11:11

For me the worst bit of this is that they made your poor hungry boy look at food for 2.5 hours that he wasn't 'allowed' to eat. Especially having told you he wasn't allowed to eat before. Disgraceful. I'm a stickler for table manners and politeness but even so, in this situation by 7.30 if no food forthcoming I'd have gone myself and made up a small plate from him and given it to him to eat. This is what you do next time. What is she going to do about it - seriously?

Actually if you go there for boxing day which frankly I'd be reconsidering, do take some food for the children. But at any hint of pulling this sort of stunt again I'd be making some very loud and pointed comments to the assembled company. Don't put up with this.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Sun 08-Dec-13 05:11:33

Is she one of those people who thinks any child older than her own is virtually grown up and shouldn't be 'pandered to'? Or does she think stepchildren aren't really part of a family?

Cos she sounds very rude and if on purpose, seems to be deliberately making some kind of point about poor DSS... Not on the invite, trying to disinvite later, then denying him food... It sort of feels like she's letting some prejudice show under pressure.

Maybe she would be shocked at how her behaviour looks, but even more reason for her to pull herself together. I would have a word with your brother and hope he addresses it... And hope he can offer some kind of explanation which makes her behaviour understandable.

Also I'd make it clear to him that you can't have a repeat performance on boxing day, and get him to be responsible for checking that it's not happening again. I get the reason why he didn't help at this party, but he does need to take joint responsibility at the next. And then baking your own food as back up and perhaps have an excuse ready to leave early as well - you hopefully won't have to use either but better safe than sorry.

paxtecum Sun 08-Dec-13 05:13:16

Definately take a picnic in your handbag on Boxing Day for your DSS.

There are some odd people around!

BinkieWoo Sun 08-Dec-13 07:06:15

Double I think you may be spot on with both of your suggestions. DSS has historically been quite immature for his age but over the last year has become a lot more grown up so that now he's pretty much comparable to any other 7yo emotionally. Dh and I see it as him catching up, maybe SIL sees it as him growing up?

And yes I think there is a bit of resentment there as normally us two couples are really close and see a lot of each other socially but for various reasons (DSS' mum being less flexible on dates than usual as she got married recently, DSS being older and therefore allowed to stay up later) we have not been able to stick to our usual social arrangements so maybe she resents DSS for that? She is very much of the opinion that we should get babysitters when we have him (which we don't want to do - we don't see him much as it is so why give up another evening?) and tends to organise things at the last minute and always suggests things like cancelling/cutting short DSS' visit.

To be honest I've always seen it as her just getting over-excited at organising a social thing and just grasping at inappropriate solutions because she's so desperate for the social event to happen. Maybe she is a bit funny about DSS? She's always nice to his face (apart from last night) and I know that she gets angry about the fact that we get constrained by dh's ex and her arrangements, which is just par for the course of dh having a previous wife and child I guess. But maybe she doesn't see it like that...not that it's really her business anyway?!

friday16 Sun 08-Dec-13 09:36:09

So ever since then I have noticed she's had a kind of reluctance to have her DS and my dd in the same room together when family are around

That's mad.

What's she saying: that it's your daughter's fault that her son is potentially having some issues, and if only your daughter would stop displaying NT behaviour no-one would notice?

Find somewhere else to go for Boxing Day, and wait for the drama to die down. It sounds like she was hoping to provoke a scene so that she could criticise your children.

Aquariusgirl86 Sun 08-Dec-13 09:46:36

Even if she didn't want the party food touched couldn't she have made him a sandwich or a piece of toast? If I have a friend or family member round even not at a meal time and the child is hungry I'll make them something small!

friday16 Sun 08-Dec-13 10:11:36

Even if she didn't want the party food touched

Maybe it's just me, but I can't stand all this sort of controlling behaviour.

If you're cooking a meal, people can't eat until it's ready. Inviting people around hours in advance and/or eating atypically late is poor manners (for adults) and stupid (if there are small children around), but if the problem is that the 3kg joint of beef is still at 45 degrees in the middle even though I'd be happy to eat it then the die is cast and there's little choice but to wait. And walking out of a dinner party because the food's very late would be a social nuclear weapon, and not only the host would think you toxic.

But if it's a party for a larger group of people, there's trays of buffet food under clingfilm and the only reason why people are waiting for three hours is because the host is doing something else slash being controlling slash being a loon, and nine o'clock rolls around, I'd have left already. In fact, I'd have left long before, particularly if I had my children with me.

And have done so, in fact, on several occasions. I've left a wedding where the invitation had said "service at 12 then lunch" and four o'clock rolled around with no sign of food or even nibbles. We'd left home at eight and were hungry, bored and tired. We left and got food on the way home. I gather that by the time "lunch" was served at five-thirty (and that must have been planned, because no wedding venue is going to delay food for that long without some prior agreement) most of thge people with children had left, leaving them about twenty empty seats. Had we stayed we'd have been lucky to be home much before midnight, I suspect. The bride was apparently quite upset: I'm not sure I care over-much.

I've also made excuses and left a family buffet where, with children aged four-ish, the hosts suddenly announced that before dinner (it was already seven) we would watch the DVD of their daughter's wedding ("about an hour"). I'm not the extras for other people's dramas, and I can't be bothered to feign politeness to people who have already made it clear that they don't care about being rude. To be fair, they did call the following day and half-apologise.

BinkieWoo Sun 08-Dec-13 13:09:46

Well dh and I have talked about it and have made a plan for Boxing Day - we are going to have lunch at ours where we'll fill DSS up with as much as he can eat and then we're going to take some food round which we'll say is to add to the buffet in the evening but which we won't feel rude about starting if we need to as it's what we will have brought round.

I'm still not sure what's causing sil's behaviour, whether it's about dd and her DS or resentment over us being more constrained by arrangements for DSS or even something else - I don't know. But I won't be putting up with any of it, like I said before I'll drive us all home if needed.

By the way, what's NT behaviour? Never heard that one before!

WilsonFrickett Sun 08-Dec-13 13:52:19

Neuro-typical. It's a way of distinguishing between types of behaviour which are typical and non-typical behaviours, eg behaviours which may be attributable to autism type disorders.

MimiSunshine Mon 09-Dec-13 09:38:53

If this is really out of character for her and she's under a lot of stress. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

YANBU to leave and to tell her why but I think she deserves some slack.
I've recently had a difficult time and having to tell people about it has been exhausting. People are shocked and want to express it and sympathise but it means I've had near on the exact same conversation half a dozen times and will have to have a few more when I see family over Christmas. And quite frankly I wish I could just be blunt, tell them and then refuse to discuss it. But I think that's unfair and rude when they'll just want to support me.

If quite a few people have now noticed the developmental delay in her son, she may well be fed up exhausted from talking and worrying about it.

She may genuinely have meant to get DSS some food in a minute but wasn't handling the hosting too well and time was flying away from her.
I think your plan for Boxing Day sounds good and don't worry about being assertive on DSS behalf.

Callani Mon 09-Dec-13 12:18:06

I don't know about a 7 yo but I would be ordering take out if I'd turned up at 6 and wasn't fed until after 9 - how ridiculous.

Besides that, who wants food sitting on tables for 3 hours? Hardly the height of hygiene is it? Ugh. hmm

DeWe Mon 09-Dec-13 12:43:17

I think the only possible thing wrong you did was to send dss to ask sil for some food the first time. I think that would have been better handled as adult to adult in a quiet way. It could have come across as him wingeing and you giving way because he was wingeing, rather than because he was genuinely hungry.

But if she's worried about her ds and is having family members compare her to your dd, then that is going to strain your relationship.

My dd2 was born without a hand. It's not a big problem, and it's not an unknown in the way developmental delay is, which puts a huge cloud over you as you come to terms with it. But I can remember coming home in tears the first time I saw a child younger than her passing things from hand to hand. And now shes age 10yo, I feel a pang when I see peers playing the piano-one of the few things she will never be able to do on an even semi-even basis, and she would love to be able to do.

I would ask family members to make sure they don't compare your dc. Compliment her on her ds. Doesn't he look lovely? He does that quickly! He's got the best smile!

She may also see you as having two normal children, while she has only one who is delayed. If you put it that way, do you see how it may seem unfair to her?

Waiting for a diagnosis (and it could be months, or possibly "unknown" in the end) puts a huge strain on the whole family.

pigletmania Mon 09-Dec-13 12:56:31

Yanbu at all, your SIL was not a good host, and was very rude. You were very right to go, but I would have told her we were going as dss is hungry and were getting him food and putting him to bed, and left. Your SIL sounds very controlling and qute thick skinned. Your going round on boxing day, make sure kids are fed beforehand as lunch could be at 4pm!

pigletmania Mon 09-Dec-13 12:58:47

I got a dd with Asd and Noway would i treat guests like tat.

BinkieWoo Wed 25-Dec-13 22:52:06

Update - I need advice pleeeease!

We are due to go to DB and DSIL's tomorrow. They spoke to us on Xmas eve to confirm timings which I have to say are not what we expected...they want us to go after lunch and they know that dd will want to go to bed before 7 and they are planning to serve food after that so they'll end up not catering for us confused but at least I know this so have stocked up on food for the DCs.

However, the issue is this. DSIL has texted everyone except us to say that her DS is ill and has a temperature so high that they are considering taking him to hospital. They are telling people to still come round though, but I'm really reluctant to take dd who has only just got over a yucky virus (DSIL knows this). I just don't understand why she's not let me know that her DS is poorly when she's told everyone else and do I take dd round there while she's still a bit low from being poorly last week? Aargh!

petalsandstars Wed 25-Dec-13 23:07:36

Ring your DB (not SIL) and say (insert appropriate relative) has said DS is ill, how is he? Then depending on his response either- DD is still recovering from the bug she had a few days ago so we'll not risk her catching it. Very sorry, kids eh? See you in the new year. Or ok - no illness we'll bring bits for the kids when we pop over - (but be prepared to leave early if you see je is actually ill)

Ifcatshadthumbs Wed 25-Dec-13 23:22:18

I'd make my excuses not to go.

Scrounger Wed 25-Dec-13 23:48:15

I think petalstars idea is a good one (but what is it with food with your SIL? When I invite people round I make sure the children are all fed, happy children means more relaxed parents. I have something for the kids to eat earlier if needed.)

Failing that make up a story that one of your children is ill - D&V always means that everyone is glad you don't attend.

ChasedByBees Thu 26-Dec-13 00:12:36

I'd make excuses. If she's texted everyone but you she doesn't want you to know so I wouldn't trust her to be honest on the phone. Leaving when you arrive (if he's ill) is far more awkward than not bein there in the first place. And frankly, it doesn't sound like she's going to be a good host!

friday16 Thu 26-Dec-13 00:19:25

they want us to go after lunch and they know that dd will want to go to bed before 7 and they are planning to serve food after that so they'll end up not catering for us

Don't go. She's being a controlling arse about food again. If you invite children, you feed them appropriately. There's no possible situation where lunch until gone 7 without food is acceptable when there are small children around.

BinkieWoo Thu 26-Dec-13 00:22:27

Thanks for your responses, they are along the lines of what I was thinking so hopefully I'm not as mean as I thought?!

I just don't want dd to get poorly again and feel annoyed that I made such an effort to keep her isolated and not spread it yet SIL thinks it's ok to spread whatever DNephew has.

I've just logged onto Facebook and there's a status from her saying he's poorly so at least I can refer to that when I contact her rather than potentially dropping another family member in it.

Like I said in my previous posts, she is so lovely normally but just recently has been acting weirdly when hosting us at hers. We were together at the weekend and had a great time, I just don't understand how things have started to go from so good to so weird. She's the one who keeps inviting us round which is confusing as it's like she's choosing to put herself into a situation which she is finding difficult to deal with and enjoy sad

HansieMom Thu 26-Dec-13 00:37:38

At this moment in time, I would not trust her. Does she want your children to get sick?

mikulkin Thu 26-Dec-13 08:15:36

BinkieWoo, you sound very lovely and reasonable! Can I just say that I wish my DS had a DSM like you!

Why do you keep contacting her rather than your brother?

This is the second time she is trying to uninvite you. The last time she did not succeed and you see how that went. She tried to put you off coming by saying the party started after your des bedtime having changed the starting time just for you.

Not sure what she is playing at now. But in your shoes I would take the hint and make my excuses. I would FBI k she is banking on you not wanting to risk exposure to illness, seems like hours are the only young kids in the family?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 26-Dec-13 08:51:25

Being charitable, it looks like she's in the throes of a breakdown, and covering it (badly) by denial, over-controlling and punishing the OP for having the temerity to bring forth an NT child.

Or on glue.

Head tilting kindness would be the best bet for either scenario.

onedev Thu 26-Dec-13 09:15:10

I'd simply not go (be honest to a point & say you saw the FB status & don't want to risk your DD getting ill again) & talk to your DB in the New Year about what's been going on. Enjoy your Boxing Day.

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 12:18:54

Another update - this time feel free to tell me what a stupid idiot I've been sad

Rang DB but DSIL answered his phone...said I'd seen the FB status about DN being ill and was told "oh no, it's not that bad but I'll update you in the morning". Next day she said that he no longer had a temperature and seemed loads brighter. Excellent, we thought, it was obviously just a 24-hr thing.

We all went round and DN was asleep, we had a lovely time with dd playing with her new Xmas toys as well as some of DN's as well as they were laying on the floor near her. Then DN woke up and joined in, seemed tired but ok, both kids were playing nicely, all the toys were going into both their mouths etc as expected but I didn't think anything of it. DH then picked DN up and started carrying him round and I noticed he had a rash on his legs, I asked SIL and was told it was eczema. We all had food (woo hoo!) and all was still good.

An hour later, DN was hot, floppy and inconsolable. Turns out the calpol that SIL had been feeding him had run its course and the symptoms were no longer being masked. We made our excuses and left, feeling pretty annoyed that he obviously is ill and we'd been lied to.

This morning we got a text from SIL to say that DN has hand, foot and mouth and that she got no sleep last night and if any of us get it then the doctor's advice is paracetamol and ibuprofen alternated. I am fucking fuming! Not only has she lied to us, she has knowingly put dd and DSS at risk of this when both are low from illness anyway! And (just a small point) there was no apology whatsoever.

I realise having an ill child is never fun and I do feel sorry for her for having a rough night but I'd never deliberately put others at risk! I've looked up the incubation and illness periods and if dd gets it then it'll be at it's worst just as I'm starting back at work for the new term and we have no-one to look after dd if she cannot go to nursery.


I am sorry, but yes, you chose to go knowing their child was ill.

Not sure why you went even if the child had not been sick, knowing the back story.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Fri 27-Dec-13 12:24:58

On glue, then.

onedev Fri 27-Dec-13 12:30:24

Agreed Binkie - you were an idiot to go! Sorry! Not much you can do about it now though so just chalk it up to experience & you'll know for the future. I'll keep my fingers crossed that your children don't get ill.

I do think its worth a conversation with your DB in the New Year as given what you've said about how she didn't used to be like this & what's going on with their DS, it could be that she's struggling to cope but he's not aware.

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 12:36:14

Quint we were told that the temperature was down to him overheating due to cramped house/excitement etc on Xmas day. DB used to do this as a child so I (stupidly) assumed that DN was following in his footsteps.

Grrrr...I am so stupid! sad

razmataz Fri 27-Dec-13 12:47:44

Did she lie to you? I am presuming she went to the Drs this morning so would have been no wiser than you yesterday as to what the problem was and probably did believe it was just over excitement?

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 13:03:44

I did ask her raz and she said it started on Xmas day and it was obvious on Boxing Day that he was still poorly but she didn't want people to cancel on her so dosed him up and pretended it was overheating sad

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 13:07:08

Her initial answer was "oh but you send dd to nursery and they always get hand, foot and mouth at places like that so I didn't think it was an issue" confused

My answer was "yes but our nursery always lets us know if there's something going about so that we have the choice of whether to send them or not"

To be fair, the nursery did have a case of HFM but it was so well-controlled that out of 35 children, only 1 had it but obviously they have to let everyone know in order for parents to be on the lookout.

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 13:10:00

Oh and she's also advised us to keep dd isolated in case we pass it on...cheeky mare! angry

In my experience people always downplay their children s illness and explain it away with over excitement, overheating, too much tv, etc.

We went for a supper yesterday, and midway through the meal their 15 year old daughter resurfaced from her room, joined us at the table, ate some, and went back to her room. Just before leaving hosts let slip that she developed a tummy bug on the 24th and were still poorly cooped up in her room. angry I am queasy today.

Our friends also did not want to cancel....

It is shitty. But, in your case, with such young children, I think you need to develop a rule, any sign of temperature, stay away if you are not prepared to get ill.

Our sons were ill the week before Christmas, we had guests for dinner, with a newborn. I rang them to tell them our children had a temperature, with sore throat. Either a cold or something more. They chose to come, fair dos to them. They said their dd was not 100%, their baby had a snotty nose, and she did not want to wrap them in cotton wool. My sons are 11 and 8, they dont mouth things, and know to sneeze into paper and wash their hands, and were also told not to handle the baby. I did not want to uninivite them, but told them what the situation was so they could make an informed choice. Many people dont though.

RenterNomad Sat 28-Dec-13 10:24:37

Hmmm, maybe you're going to have to communicate differently with her in future over arrangements like this, for example not ringing to get an update, because you risk getting her rather than your DB, and she can lie to you; instead, do a one-way communication, best by Facebook, since that's public, saying you're staying away to avoid your DCs' getting ill.
This isn't a go at you: you say she has "no form" for this sort of behaviour, so it's taken a while for you to adapt. Sadly, it seems as though you will now have to treat her as a flake. Happy Christmas, eh? fsad

Joysmum Sat 28-Dec-13 10:49:16

Now she knows for sure what it is she's saying to keep your children in isolation away from others. Had she known for certain what it was and had you round anyway then she'd be a cheeky cow.

RenterNomad Sat 28-Dec-13 13:59:43

Sadly, it seems she did know, or did suspect.

Keep your distance for a while, BinkieWoo, and certainly don't host them at your house; it's a lot easier to preaerve quarantine without massive social fsllout, when it's you declining, rather than uninviting someone! shock

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