To think my sisters weirdness has gone too far?

(44 Posts)
monkeynuts123 Sat 07-Dec-13 19:36:13

My sister and I had a major falling out many years ago and in the past few years we managed to patch it up but she never apologised about some hideous things that she did. Anyway, a year after patching up we had another big row and I decided that I couldn't keep trying with her. So now we seem to have come to a mutual understanding without anyone saying anything that we will tolerate each other at family 'dos' but not see each other outside this, and for me that works, just about. I have a ds and a dd and she has always favoured my dd over my ds, and basically has never really made an effort to make a relationship with him. The other day I saw her at said sort of family event and my ds was rolling about on the floor playing near her while she was sitting in a chair, he rolled around and ended up with his head next to her foot where he laid for a while looking at a toy. She sat in the chair literally looking down her nose at him with a look of sort of disgust/detachment and she never reached down to him to play or communicate even though his head was almost on her foot. I mean, he is her nephew! It made my blood run cold and surely this level of weirdness is too much for anyone to have to put up with? Btw she has grown up kids and I doted on hers when they were small.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Sat 07-Dec-13 19:39:53

I suspect if you both fell out and didn't see each other, this effected her being able to form a relationship with your DS? So she isnt attached to him.

I'm not saying the way she reacted was right by the way, just I can understand if she doesn't want to dote on him.

paxtecum Sat 07-Dec-13 19:43:30

I have brothers that just about tolerate each other.

I think you are expecting too much from her. Just because you doted on her DCS doesn't mean she has to return the favour.

She obviously doesn't like you and has extended that to your DCs.

Stop thinking about it and carry on ignoring her.

monkeynuts123 Sat 07-Dec-13 19:48:52

I'm not expecting doting, simply an acknowledgement of his presence as a human being, I wouldn't treat a strangers child like that.

Vampyreof Sat 07-Dec-13 20:29:27

I can't believe someone who's had children would react to one like that! I'd completely sever contact.

monkeynuts123 Sat 07-Dec-13 21:22:35

Really Vampy? That's sort of what I would like to do

BigRedDragon Sat 07-Dec-13 21:26:25

I get what you're saying completely, when written down it may not seemthat big, but these little moments where our sixth sense kicks Iin tell us more than anything. I'd listen to my gut and stay away.

BohemianGirl Sat 07-Dec-13 21:34:24

The other day I saw her at said sort of family event and my ds was rolling about on the floor playing near her while she was sitting in a chair, he rolled around and ended up with his head next to her foot where he laid for a while looking at a toy. She sat in the chair literally looking down her nose at him with a look of sort of disgust/detachment and she never reached down to him to play or communicate even though his head was almost on her foot

You dont have a relationship with her. Your children dont have a relationship with her. Personally, I dont want other peoples children rolling about under my feet .if she'd interacted with him you would have gone dipshit as you've fallen out/patched up/fallen out

we seem to have come to a mutual understanding without anyone saying anything that we will tolerate each other at family 'dos' but not see each other outside this, and for me that works, just about.

She tolerates you and your offspring...next time , stop them rolling round under her feet

Vampyreof Sat 07-Dec-13 21:34:31

Yeah definitely, my sister doesn't have kids and isn't entirely comfortable with them (in the sense that she can't relax around them, not used to them) but she loves her niece and nephews and is always warm towards them. I couldn't have someone in my life who found my child unbearable, especially a relative!

Vampyreof Sat 07-Dec-13 21:36:12

Gosh, really? I couldn't imagine my auntie reacting to me like that when I was little, even if I had been irritating her.

cerealqueen Sat 07-Dec-13 21:42:07

I'd just cut her out too. The favouring thing is just unfair, one day your DS will notice.
Dogs get more attention that that.

Vampyreof Sat 07-Dec-13 21:52:00

How old is your DS?

monkeynuts123 Sat 07-Dec-13 21:53:49

He's 16 months

Vampyreof Sat 07-Dec-13 21:56:07

Awww sad I don't know how you didn't say anything. Surely you'd be happier without having to put up with that crap?

feebeecat Sat 07-Dec-13 22:07:24

I have similar situation with my sister - her children are much older now, but we all doted on them when they were younger. Then the 'falling out'.
We also had the mutual tolerance, although think it was much more on my part, she barely acknowledged me, dh or dcs.

Dh bumped into her & our mum in the summer when he was out with dd, she didn't look or speak to dd and when mum commented on dd (- along the lines of look how big she is now) she just ignored her. Dd ran off & dh had to go after her.

That's done it for me, if I know she will be somewhere I will avoid it. I am not putting dd in a situation with her like that again. I can't explain it to dd - "oh it's nothing personal dear, just your aunty is quite a bitter person who likes to bear grudges and so no, she won't play with you now, she will just sneer at you".

It is very petty and very sad, but my children really don't need people like that in their lives. She told me once she was considering whether she still wanted to have a sister or not, well I've made the decision for her now. Oddly we don't miss her - not how she is now anyway.

AchyFox Sun 08-Dec-13 01:49:34

next time , stop them rolling round under her feet

Are you the sister ? grin

At the end of the day it's surely more about these horrendous things she's done in the past, isn't it ?

So horrendous that you can't really patch things up.

VanitasVanitatum Sun 08-Dec-13 01:56:21

Bit harsh bohemian, he's just a small child looking for his toy or playing on the floor, next to her feet. Do you really think the mother should be keeping him a certain physical distance from his aunt because they fell out?

That is just odd. She does not have to have bonded with him to be able to stand him occupying the same physical space as her. It's not like he crawled on her, grabbed her, did anything wrong or intrusive. He was on the floor next to her.

intitgrand Sun 08-Dec-13 01:59:20

i thought you were going to say she kicked him !

squoosh Sun 08-Dec-13 05:04:14

Maybe she felt awkward interacting with your son knowing you were watching and keeping in mind the animosity between the two of you. But then it sounds like there isn't any love lost so I don't why you'd expect her to be cooing over your child.

Maybe she is projecting her anger towards you onto him but it's hard to judge to be honest, it all depends on what's been said and the levels of bitterness between you both.

madwomanintheatt1c Sun 08-Dec-13 05:36:18

Tbh it just sounds like you are itching for any old excuse to cut contact.

The party not dramatic enough for you?

Presumably you aren't really over whatever the heinous crimes were that the committed earlier in the family saga, and so you aren't really capable of the level of detachment that you have insisted upon. That is YOU changing the mutually agreed rules of engagement, not her. She didn't boot the child, or spit on his head, or tut and sigh and move away - she just didn't coo or interact. Make your mind up. It sounds as though you aren't up for the maturity involved in this 'tolerating each other at family events' stuff.

Do you need to have a really good outpouring of hatred and a formal announcement to the whole family that you are cutting contact because of the terrible terrible things she did? Do you feel like she's got away with the terrible terrible things too lightly, and so you need to remind your family about the terrible terrible things she did?

It all sounds like a fuss about nothing, tbh. She just didn't play with your kid, that's all. Probably terrified you were watching her like a hawk in case she touched him and infected him with the terrible terrible things she did...

She might post later and say 'my sister hates me with a passion but we tolerate each other in family company so as not to cause a row. Her Ds was rolling around under my feet at this family do today, and she was staring at me like she thought I was going to stamp on him. I was terrified she was going to cause a scene so I just sat there until he rolled away, but I think I've upset her even more now... No idea why, I didn't touch him!'

By the way, the glee and obvious validation with which you reacted to vampy's post was extremely unedifying, and said more about what you were really seeking from this party than your op. You couldn't have cared less what she did with your son, you were just looking for an excuse to lose the tolerating each other thing and find an excuse to let her have it. At least be honest and say 'I haven't really got over what she did, and I don't think I can be arsed to stay in contact for the sake of our family'.

HairyPorter Sun 08-Dec-13 05:38:37

Sorry I don't see what the big deal is- you're annoyed she ignored your child?? Some people just don't like other people's kids (or kids in general!) and yes letting him crawl around the furniture in a ?crowded place is a recipe for disaster- she could have stepped on him accidentally or tripped over him and then I'm guessing ww3 would have broken out!

TobyLerone Sun 08-Dec-13 05:40:38

^this

TobyLerone Sun 08-Dec-13 05:45:22

Balls. I meant what madwoman said. Although I also agree with Hairy.

I don't really like other peoples' children. It doesn't matter to whom they belong. If they're rolling around on the floor near my feet, I'll watch them a bit warily to make sure I don't accidentally stand on/kick them.

I have a somewhat strained relationship with one of my siblings, and I must admit to being less close to that sibling's children than to others.

lljkk Sun 08-Dec-13 08:02:49

All she did was look at him funny & not interact? It's not much to go on as grudge-forming goes, is it? I thought OP was going to say the sister kicked the boy away or something vicious.

XmasLogAndHollyOn Sun 08-Dec-13 08:16:09

Is your DD older? Did you see your sister more when she was young, as that would explain why her relationship with her is better.

You don't like her. You 'tolerate' each other. Why on earth is that going to lead to a good relationship with your DCs?

When I started reading this, I thought you were going to say she'd kicked him or something, but she didn't. She just looked at him in a way you didn't like, and possibly wasn't as bad as you translated it as you would have if you got on with each other. To be honest, if I had a child suddenly land by my foot, I'd look down on him.

Are you sure you're just not looking into any old reason to cement the fact that you really don't get on.

Vampyreof Sun 08-Dec-13 08:17:46

I get that not everyone loves kids (what's not to like though?!) but that's obviously not the problem with OP's sister as she seems to have been fine with OP's DD.

I think you'd all be happier - your sister included - if you didn't see her anymore, from what you've said. Otherwise, this will keep niggling at you until you end up confronting her.

pinkdelight Sun 08-Dec-13 09:00:07

"Tbh it just sounds like you are itching for any old excuse to cut contact."

This, exactly.

Also the 'I wouldn't treat a strangers child like that' isn't relevant. She also might be nicer to a strangers kid, more at ease with a random child than yours, whilst things are tense due to this barely tolerating each other atmosphere. You were clearly watching her and him like a hawk. Let it go.

Amber76 Sun 08-Dec-13 09:05:16

I have a sister a lot like the one described - she's only seen my two young kids at family events and she would completely ignore them and me. A lot of boring background - she's estranged from most of the family.
Even though I don't want to resume contact with her it does bother me how cold and rude she is to my two. But I won't say anything to her or have any expectations whatsoever as she is such a difficult person.
Don't stop going to these family events or let her drive you away from them - its not fair on other family members.

kali110 Sun 08-Dec-13 09:59:28

Sounds like you wanted An excuse for something to happen so you could say look what shes done now so you could cut her off, so why not just do it.

Cabrinha Sun 08-Dec-13 10:13:55

You don't like each other.
If she had a face on her looking at your son, I doubt it was dislike of him, but of you. Any face would have been her thinking "FFS, can't my sister keep her baby from rolling around under people's feet?"
So don't start working it up into something it's not - simply, you don't like each other. Leave it at that.

Quoteunquote Sun 08-Dec-13 10:22:42

What madwomanintheatt1c ^^ said.

She couldn't win in that situation, if she had interacted with your child, you would of hit the roof.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 08-Dec-13 10:43:13

Just playing devil's advocate - are you sure she doesn't have Bitchy Resting Face? I inadvertently do this sort of thing all the time, myself blush

differentnameforthis Sun 08-Dec-13 11:21:40

I travelled 12,000miles in summer, back home to see family/friends for the first time in over7yrs.

My sister refused to meet up with me, and my brother 'couldn't make it' on the day we had arranged ( a few months in advance) due to being ill (didn't stop him having a party that night & posting the pics on fb). They haven't seen d1 for 7yrs & never met dd2.

Completely their loss.

What can you do? I adopted this attitude years ago that I expect nothing, so anything else is a bonus.

monkeynuts123 Sun 08-Dec-13 11:47:36

In the past she has stolen money from me, had a fling with an ex boyfriend and went out of her way to try and ruin my wedding day. She had quite a lot of contact with my dd but has had less so with my ds because of all the conflict so it is true that she has less relationship with him. I actually always supported a relationship between her and my kids but she has done various things along the way which make that difficult such as telling me I can't call her when she's babysitting my kids all day. So anyway here we are in the present and she looked at my son like he was a dog or less and yes I think that does matter. I wouldn't have thought anyone would be writing aibu if their sister kicked their baby, surely they would just be contacting police about an assault! I have supported contact because I think kids need extended family but I am beginning to seriously question this seeing her coldness towards ds.

pinkdelight Sun 08-Dec-13 15:52:23

Sorry but you sound a bit unhinged. She didn't kick your baby. He's not a baby and she didn't kick him. Even the way she looked at him is entirely your interpretation. As almost everyone has said, this is all about you and her, you're obviously still stewing about this catalogue of angst and will see what you want to see to stir the pot. And even some of the things in that list of issues are clearly more to do with a general personality clash than her specifically being an arse. Okay, it's weird to say you can't call her but it's bloody great of her to babysit for you all day. It's not ideal for her to have a fling with your ex, but it's not the crime it would be if you were still going out with him. You Just Don't Get On. That's the long and the short of it. If you're steering clear of each other, then do so properly and stop looking for drama where there is none and building them up (she practically kicked my baby!!) into spurious excuses for a fight.

monkeynuts123 Sun 08-Dec-13 17:18:03

Uhmm pinkdelight, I think if you actually read my post you will see I have made no reference to kicking at any time. I know it makes for inflammatory and exciting posts to exaggerate a little, but no that was not what I said.

pinkdelight Sun 08-Dec-13 17:39:43

Sorry but I'm lost. What was this referring to then?

"I wouldn't have thought anyone would be writing aibu if their sister kicked their baby, surely they would just be contacting police about an assault!"

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 08-Dec-13 17:44:34

YABU and precious. The thing about other people's children is that sometimes you just can't be arsed to engage with them. Some parents forget that not everyone finds little Tarquin as endlessly enthralling as they do!

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Sun 08-Dec-13 17:47:18

Pink the OP was referring to someone saying 'I thought you were going to say she kicked him'

pinkdelight Sun 08-Dec-13 17:50:27

Ah, ok, thanks, hadn't re-read since earlier, but she still referred to kicking. Wasn't me being melodramatic. I don't think there's any real drama to be had here. A woman didn't engage with a toddler. The end.

tiredoldmum Sun 08-Dec-13 17:59:49

Not everyone likes children forced on them especially if they are jumping around getting into things while the parent is completely blind to them.

Same with pets. I don't like them forced on me. You may think little Susie and puppy poo poo are the bees knees but most people don't.

Vampyreof Sun 08-Dec-13 18:35:04

Tbh, had your sister posted the same stuff from her point of view, I imagine some of the same people who have said yabu would have said she was too. You can't always win on AIBU, don't get offended, take with a pinch of salt!

Tapiocapearl Sun 08-Dec-13 20:00:37

Lower your expectations. Expect nothing. It will save you any pain.

Goldenbear Sun 08-Dec-13 21:40:44

YANBU, it is sad and pathetic that an Auntie can't engage in some way with her 16 month old nephew!

Oh and you are not 'unhinged' for assuming this would be the case.

A 16 month old IS a baby and is not the same as a pet dog!

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