would this be unreasonable

(49 Posts)
freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 21:50:03

if there was a couple who had a 10 month old ds, dad works and mum is a stahm. the mum sits on laptop all day or xbox, stays up too all hours.
the dad starts work at diff times each day but gets up with baby every morning and then will have baby until his leaving the door whether that be 9.. 10 .. 11 and then wake the mum up.
on his days off he gets up and she lays in until she wakes up.
he does the food shopping and 80 percent of the housework which sometimes then is slacking which caused them to get in to trouble with ss which was sorted.
the baby during the day spends a lot of time in the walker etc and then when dad gets in he puts him down too bed, cooks dinner. on his days offs he takes the boy , out this is the only time baby leaves the house.

now he wont leave her because .... he doesn't want to leave his son was I wrong to tell him to kick her out and stay in the flat with his son.

MrsSteptoe Sun 01-Dec-13 21:55:29

There isn't a middle ground between where they are and kicking her out? Like maybe, I don't know, talking? Where do you fit into this, OP?

EricNorthmansFangbanger Sun 01-Dec-13 21:57:16

Is there a chance the mum is depressed? Possibly PND? There are a few things that jump out at me in your post that suggest this could be the case?

WorraLiberty Sun 01-Dec-13 21:58:11

She sounds depressed to be honest.

And the housework must have been more than 'slacking' for SS to get involved.

LTB was easy for you to say, but do you know why she acts like that?

Yeah you were wrong. Maybe she has PND

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 21:59:28

there is no talking, he has tried . when the police called ss on them when they saw the state of the house. but his warn out she is pretty defensive about the whole thing and he has many times tried to sort it out and he says his only staying for his son.

KepekCrumbs Sun 01-Dec-13 22:01:21

What were police doing there?

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:01:24

can I just point out before I come across as a bit of a bi tch .. I am a relative and trust me we went down the PND route and all off that , the thing is she was like this before they got pregnant as in lazy etc ... I suppose we thought she would change. we have all tried helping.

walk a mile in her shoes I think. She sounds as though she's got some mh issues - depression maybe. Fwiw I don't think you 'get into trouble' with ss. In fact, I know you don't, they are not big brother...

bluecheeseforbreakfast Sun 01-Dec-13 22:01:48

Sounds like a sad situation for the baby sad I don't think giving the advice to leave his dp was the right thing to do, was she a generally "together" sort of person before she had a baby?

Your friend sounds like a great dad.

LittleBairn Sun 01-Dec-13 22:01:56

She's a SAHM there is no way the courts would allow him to do this he could end up jeopardising his own contact with the child for this behaviour.

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:02:15

kepek they were called because the housing officer went round and no 1 answered but she could hear the boy she called them.

The son is only 10 months. A lot would depend on what the relationship was like before he was born. Why haven't you stated what your relationship is to this situation?

LittleBairn Sun 01-Dec-13 22:02:54

So if she was like it before then tough luck to him he new wat he was getting into.

gordyslovesheep Sun 01-Dec-13 22:03:43

I suspect your interfering isn't help them - she may be defensive because people keep poking their noses in

he can take HIS child with him - if she's as awful as you say he may well get custody - although she's okay to have him every day while he works so he can't be that concerned

why where the police involved?

MajesticWhine Sun 01-Dec-13 22:03:44

She does not sound well equipped to look after a baby. But perhaps she needs some help. Not sure that "kicking her out" is either legal or the best way forward.

gordyslovesheep Sun 01-Dec-13 22:04:36

cross posts - she honestly sounds depressed - has she been seen by any professionals?

Quoteunquote Sun 01-Dec-13 22:06:09

They sound like they need support, and she sounds depressed.

WorraLiberty Sun 01-Dec-13 22:08:00

I suspect you might be a little bit biased here OP

You're making him out to be some sort of super father/saint...but how did he also allow the home to get into such a mess?

And don't say it was because he was too busy working/caring for the baby, because single parents manage that everyday.

EricNorthmansFangbanger Sun 01-Dec-13 22:08:32

So has she always been like this since he has known her?

Depression could still be a possibility, a lot of what you've said really does sound like she is depressed. Has she been to see a GP or anything like that? The fact she is defensive suggests that maybe she is aware she is depressed and possibly ashamed to be the way she is?

I do not think your friend should leave her, mainly for the fact of their son. Can you or he suggest she sees a GP? Does she leave the house at all?

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:09:19

the reason I told him to kick her out was because he can't cope anymore with her and to be honest I don't blame him, he said he would go back to his mums but then what would happen to the baby and why is it that it would be wrong to tell her to leave , if it was the other way round and he treated her like the way she does him I would say the same thing.

no 1 is poking there noses in as such, but tbf it was everyone else including myself who she or him ring when it all goes wrong.

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:11:39

I am not biast and I haven't stated I am his friend. I have had it out with him about the state of the house as they called me when ss left to help clean it up. all I am worried about is what would actually happened if he did leave.
the only reason why I stay involved is for the lil man.

EricNorthmansFangbanger Sun 01-Dec-13 22:12:01

I just wanted to point out, I'm not saying depression is anything to be ashamed of. Ive suffered from both depression and PND myself and that's how I felt some of the time. Just wanted to clarify that, as I just read my post back and it reads wrong.

WorraLiberty Sun 01-Dec-13 22:14:09

But what makes you so sure she's not depressed?

OK so she might have been lazy before pregnancy, but lazy people can get PND too.

And this sounds like way more than simple laziness.

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:14:12

eric it didn't come across wrong. the thing is we cant help her we have tried and trust me if I could I would. when they had a rough patch a couple of months ago I went and collected the lil one and took him to mine and then had her at mine to for 4 days.

we cant help her why it is this situation.

namechangesforthehardstuff Sun 01-Dec-13 22:14:44

Yes your concern for the baby is shining out of these posts...

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:16:57

worral the thing is I am not saying she isn't but I am saying something needs to happen for us to convince her she needs help. when ss were involved me and others expressed that to them. she went to the gp. just to clarify she does love her boy and she really does and I am not saying don't let her be a mum.

she can leave the house when she pleases or needs something or to go cinema etc but cant take him to the park or do the food shopping.
if she is depressed then we will get her help.

AChristmassyJerseySpud Sun 01-Dec-13 22:17:19


and if roles were reversed how many would be saying LTB?

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:17:46

name if that was meant to be sarcastic , you have no idea how much I have done for that baby.

timidviper Sun 01-Dec-13 22:19:10

freaaak Some years ago I could have written your post about a relative of mine.

In our case I can say categorically she was not depressed, she was just lazy before, during and after her pregnancy. The house was filthy and anything that needed doing, he had to do on top of supporting them financially. Eventually the marriage did break down, at her instigation rather than his, and he is much better out of it but she is apparently just the same, the house she and the children live in is a shit-tip. Their child has a speech problem which she says is a diagnosed condition but I still wonder if more attention and speech when younger might have helped

I'm sorry I don't have any wisdom to solve your problem but I hope, in time, it resolves for you.

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:21:41

timi this is what I mean , we have gone down all avenues. when she fell pregnant she was also one of these women who couldn't get of the sofa as she was pregnant. also by the way I love her to bits and would do anything for her but she isn't my priority the lil boy is.

EricNorthmansFangbanger Sun 01-Dec-13 22:22:00

I don't know what to suggest really. I get that you're saying she can't be helped, but when DH had depression I tried and tried to get help for him. I couldn't force him to get help and had to wait until he wanted to go and get help. It's difficult and I can appreciate that your friend may have had enough. I wouldn't have suggested that he just leaves her or kicks her out. They really need to try and come to a solution for this as, ultimately, it's their little boy that could suffer.

They do sound like they could both do with a little more support.

EricNorthmansFangbanger Sun 01-Dec-13 22:25:14

AChristmassy, I for one wouldn't be saying LTB. My advice would still be the same regarding possible depression.

ILetHimKeep20Quid Sun 01-Dec-13 22:26:31

How come the house is in a bad enough state for ss to get involved yet he's supposedly doing 80% of the house work?

WorraLiberty Sun 01-Dec-13 22:28:20

if she is depressed then we will get her help.

By advising the other parent to kick her out of the home?

Perhaps she thinks you're a lil too over involved and have overstepped the mark a lil too much with your lil piece of advice to her DP?

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:32:02

I have said that I we spoke about the house work I should state it was a few months ago that happened and since then he has kept on top of the house work.
worral if they hadn't involved me or if I didn't love their ds I wouldn't be involved trust me !
if i didn't have my mum freaking out every 2 minutes about the whole thing either.

moldingsunbeams Sun 01-Dec-13 22:32:27

I am sorry I think it does sound like depression and I think she needs help.
One of my friends went through a stage of really not coping, she had had a very respected job and on the surface was functioning but her house was awful, I mean really really bad to the point a relative called ss, we gave her masses of support and she got support and is now doing great.

She would have sworn on a bible she was fine at the start.

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:33:07

if i thought she was depressed and i know her well enough as a person to know hats out of the ordinary for her , then i wouldn't be saying it.

namechangesforthehardstuff Sun 01-Dec-13 22:33:29

I just think it's really odd that the house is bad enough to have SS involved (which must actually make it shit heap of the year) when everyone is so supportive and cares so much about the baby.

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:35:57

namechangefor hard stuff , at the time it was pretty bad i will admit it ! and that was both there faults although he did do more than her back then aswell. my mum and i both used t go around to help but within days it was a mess again. when social services left that day , they came back the next day too and that night too me, my mum and the dad gutted the place

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:36:46

sorry don't know what the extra too was for ;/

gordyslovesheep Sun 01-Dec-13 22:38:26

are you a qualified health care professional? Can you diagnose depression? even a lil bit?

She probably feels very badgered by you and probably paranoid bout your objectives - back off - talk to social services if you are THAT concerned about the lil boy and ask her husband to stop running to you every 10 mins and actually do something about the issues

freaaak233 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:42:38

she isn't badgered by me at all, she rings me when it kicks of between them 2. there has been more than 1 time when i have had to remove lil man from the house when she is having a go at the dad. so obviously them living in the same house is ot working but what should i do no sorry im not going to pick him up and leave the boy crying

gordyslovesheep Sun 01-Dec-13 22:43:44

don't answer the phone then

moldingsunbeams Sun 01-Dec-13 22:49:00

I have to say in my friends case the house was very bad (animal poo and we on all furniture and chairs and floors and units and bedding and bags of rotten shopping everywhere really bad.

and yet her husband lived there too.
I just get the feeling from this thread its all about how brilliant the dad is for what he does and how crap she is.

But for a house to be bad enough for social services to get involved there is no way on earth that the dad is doing the level of housework you think he is when he gets home.

Not saying he should have to do it all just that they are both responsible for the house being so bad.

moldingsunbeams Sun 01-Dec-13 22:56:50

because I am struggling to see even if she leaves pots from three meals, babies bottles and babies toys everywhere how the house has got to the state ss are involved if he is doing as much housework as you think he is.

timidviper Mon 02-Dec-13 15:33:36

I have to say, again from just my own experience, there does not have to be depression involved. The woman I am talking about was not depressed, she just chose to do the things she wanted to do and seemed to have no care for anything else. If something appealed to her she would give it all her time and great enthusiasm but that would wear off and it would then be abandoned amidst the mess of everything else. She has visited my house and laid on the couch asking for magazines while I ran around looking after her children and making sure they were safe in my non-babyproof house where most of us would be on our best behaviour when visiting others.

I agree that the mess is his responsibility too but, as we all know, it is hard to keep on top of things when working as well. I suspect if the roles were reversed people on here might be less understanding and supportive of her.

I really don't know what the solution is, I wish I did.

I have no idea what the answer is but I do know that I originally thought it was a reverse thread, and if it was then I think the answers would be a lot different in general.

JinglingRexManningDay Mon 02-Dec-13 16:13:08

Sorry I still don't understand how the house could be in such a state,yet he does all this housework,family members helping out etc. I've been a single parent,working and caring for a child alone and there were plenty of weeks where housework was left til Saturday. My house was never at the stage where SS would need to come in. So I daresay that the father is not as fantastic as you paint and if he were to kick her out the house would still be in a state.

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