to feel jealous/resentful of my friend 'breezing' through having a baby?

(45 Posts)
AlmondFrangipani Sun 01-Dec-13 21:32:36

I had a baby 4 months ago. He is lovely but we have had a roller coaster of a time. Induction and tough birth, extended hospital stay due to both if us being ill, tongue tie, feeding problems resulting in giving up BF (even though I desperately wanted to) and reflux meaning a baby who wakes up ever couple of hours at night. We are coming out of this now and things are getting easier but a good friend if mine has just had her baby. 5 days after having him she's out a lot, looks amazing (in her old jeans already) and generally 'breezing' through.

I don't really know why but I feel really upset/jealous. My experience has been so different! Desperate to feel like the old me and I'm nowhere near getting in my old jeans...hmm

Annunziata Sun 01-Dec-13 21:35:43

It's very understandable to feel like that flowers

But 5 days is nothing and you're playing the long game with a baby, your amazing times will come and her hard times will come.

puntasticusername Sun 01-Dec-13 21:36:52

YANBU to feel a bit "meep" (sorry to hear about all the issues you've had btw, sounds very tough) but...

1) no-one actually "breezes through" - everyone finds parenthood tough in their own way, even if they're putting a brave face on.

2) comparing yourself to others is a sure route to unhappiness. Try not to do it.

3) five DAYS and she's back in her jeans? She is BVVVVVVVVVU.

ILovePonyo Sun 01-Dec-13 21:40:38

YANBU. And sod the jeans ;)

You must be knackered.

idiuntno57 Sun 01-Dec-13 21:41:04

I had easy pregnancies, orgasmic births but developed crippling PND every time.

YANBU but five days is nothing. If you've had a great birth you are still on a high for a start. Things often seem as they are not from the outside. No one has it all perfect - whatever they say iron how they appear.

idiuntno57 Sun 01-Dec-13 21:41:38

not iron. or.

ILovePonyo Sun 01-Dec-13 21:41:47

Oops posted too soon. Meant to say, the time will go so quickly and things will change (for the better!) Do you have support from partner, family?

justabigdisco Sun 01-Dec-13 21:42:27

I was like this. I think it was hormones/sleep deprivation that made me over think and get upset about stuff. My DD is 2 now, and I'm totally over it. I had a shit labour/delivery and I was upset for a long time, but it just gets better! grin

parallax80 Sun 01-Dec-13 21:42:34

Understandable but unhelpful.

The only person who suffers from jealousy / resentment is you.

FWIW I was in pre-pregnancy jeans 2 days post delivery. This was probably related to 7 months of hyperemesis and a baby with growth restriction who didn't make me big but had to be syringe fed on arrival. I also had a 3rd degree tear, PPH and am now incontinent. I'm not sure post partum dress size correlates well with ease of pregnancy / delivery.

WooWooOwl Sun 01-Dec-13 21:43:42

YABU but you know that. This friend of yours is irrelevant to how you feel, because presumably you'd be stressed about the way things have gone for you no matter what other people experiences are.

You are both right at the very beginning of this parenting thing, and I guarantee that your friend won't always find it so easy. No parent ever finds all of it easy, and there will come a time where something you are dealing with well will be a huge worry for her. That's just the way it is. Try to put it into perspective.

AmandaCooper Sun 01-Dec-13 21:45:33

Five DAYS and she's out a lot?? Where is she going??

SomethingkindaOod Sun 01-Dec-13 21:45:38

YABU but I mean that very kindly and gently.
I was the same as your friend. All 3 pregnancies. To everybody even my closest friends it looked like (in my ex boss's words) I was made for pregnancy... hmm
The reality is that I loathed and detested the 27 months I spent being pregnant and due to blood sugar issues in the DC's I gave up BFing before they ended up in SCBU, had PND twice and issues of my own which almost scuppered my chances of a HB.
I hid it though, mainly through pride, got back in my jeans 4 days after giving birth through pure chance and the fact that the heartburn meant I couldn't eat much rather than anything else!
The point of my ramble is that even though she's your friend you really don't know 100% how she's feeling. She might not actually think that she's breezing through, she may well wake up in a cold sweat thinking 'WTF am I doing' in the small hours of the morning!

ILovePonyo Sun 01-Dec-13 21:46:07

Actually, thinking about it, I might have looked like I was breezing though it early days. I lost loads of weight because I was too anxious to eat, and went out and about with my dd and dp (shops, restaurants) but only because I wanted to squash the anxiety that came with new born baby and return to my old way of life. Which obviously didn't happen, and I accepted eventually smile but at first I kind of freaked out and tried to go back to how things were pre baby, except with baby, if that makes sense?

Ifcatshadthumbs Sun 01-Dec-13 21:47:14

Well tbh I bounced back really quickly after ds1, really upbeat, in my old clothes etc etc. I think I was running on pure adrenaline. When ds1 got to about 2/3 months old I totally crashed and developed pretty severe PND.

We all have tough times just not the same ones.

Gilberte Sun 01-Dec-13 21:50:00

I was back in my jeans within days, out and about soon after but I had a difficult baby, breastfeeding was very painful to begin with (bleeding nipples were horrible).

5 years down the line. I find parenting very hard indeed. You might hit your stride and find it much easier than her in the end. It's early days.

pianodoodle Sun 01-Dec-13 21:52:18

Five DAYS and she's out a lot?? Where is she going??

That's what I was wondering grin

There is a photo of me after about a week with DD that looks as if I've bounced back but I just made a huge effort with lots of touche eclat - and my jeans weren't even pulled up properly I had a very long jumper on!

After the nice photo and when people went home I got back into my dressing gown and sat like a pudding for another few weeks ;)

ILovePonyo Sun 01-Dec-13 21:55:56

grin at sat like a pudding, I like that. I will try and use it in conversation soon, I'm pretty good at doing it ;)

I was out a lot 5 days after giving birth.

pulcinella Sun 01-Dec-13 21:57:25

Yanbu. And your friend may even feel a bit guilty - I've had an incredibly lucky first few months with mine, but I know that there are mothers with experiences like yours and I feel desperately sorry for them since there is nothing but luck that governs it.

So you are right: it is NOT FAIR. I would completely understand friends in your position feeling bitter and resentful that I got the luck and they didn't. And I hope I'd be understanding.

With DD1 I was cleaning the house and baking within days. I kept that up for about 3 months and then crashed. When I look back now, it really wasn't normal and I wasn't coping, but I was measuring "coping" by the cleanliness of my house, not the fact that I couldn't sit still for more than 10mins.

With DD2 I went shopping two days after the birth, everyone commentd on how great I looked etc. I went home and was unable to do anything until she was about 5months because my back was really sore. I also developed PND, but the only person who knew was DP. I told no one else, not even my parents.

I am sorry that you feel this way, but please don't compare yourself with others. Do the best you can and that's all you can do!

sittinginthesun Sun 01-Dec-13 22:06:22

I felt like that with ds1 - took me 6 weeks to feel able to leave the house. My HV was starting to panic...

I had friends who had their baby, says it didn't hurt that much (angryangryangry), and were out shopping two days later.

I smile now when I look back though. Don't be jealous, it will pass.

jeanmiguelfangio Sun 01-Dec-13 22:12:47

I am one of those women, I am actually a size smaller post pregnancy. Although on the outside I may look good, I had horrible PND and at 9 months I am only just getting better. Other mums, when I say I have PND, they say you seem so together. I may look it but no one knows what goes job behind closed doors. It also took me probably 3 months to really bond with DD. a horrible thing to admit but it's the truth. (I was a failed BFer due to supply and a reflux baby too)

closingeveryhour Sun 01-Dec-13 22:12:47

I know exactly how you feel OP. I had so looked forward to my baby arriving and never dreamed I'd have a similar birth to you (induction, emergency instrumental delivery with no pain relief...) I was in physical and emotional shock afterwards, got an infection, spent a week in hospital, didn't sleep for 90 hours which meant I was exhausted, dehydrated, you name it. I was physically affected for months, couldn't walk properly for weeks, had problems feeding. I actually mourned not just the birth I wanted to have or imagined I'd have, but also the birth I could have had even if the staff and midwives had been kind (they weren't), or I'd had more support from family and friends. I still weep sometimes when I think about it and it affected every aspect of my life and my bonding with my lovely DD.

I know people have said your friend is probably not having it as easy as it seems, but it's hard to explain how affecting it is to have had a very bad birth - you need to be very kind to yourself; talk about it to people; have some counselling if you can get it; try to make something positive out of it (like a sense that you know how bad birth can be for people, whereas your friend doesn't). Try to assimilate the experience into your life and accept that you had a really rough time, but you'll survive.

But on a basic level that does sound just ruddy annoying, I knew a girl who went on and on to me about the glory of natural birth and how empowering she had found it and how her baby slept so much she was able to bake scones every morning of her maternity leave at 9:30am. I hated her guts! Like really hated her guts!!!

And flowers for the sleep and the reflux - that's bloody hard. You have my sympathies OP and it will get better. Some people just get dealt a tougher time than others and it's ruddy unfair.

SugarHut Sun 01-Dec-13 22:27:12

I had a dream of a birth. Planned CS. No scar. Lost baby weight immediately. Looked fab. Baby was virtually the easiest child in existence, slept through the night (6pm to 8am) from 5 weeks onwards. In fact to the untrained eye, I was the type of new mum that other mums wanted to literally kill for how perfect I/ my DS was.

What you wouldn't know is that in my head I had the most horrific bonding problems. In that I had no maternal instinct or bond with my child at all. This continued for 5yrs, and I'm only now just turning a corner with it.

I could fit into a size 6 a few days after birth. I'd swap that (and take all of the things you think you have failed on) for not having the psychological trauma 1000 times over.

Careful what you wish for OP...just because she looks the part, she might be crying inside to be you.

Enjoy your beautiful boy x x x

janey68 Sun 01-Dec-13 22:33:35

I'm sorry you feel bad but please don't give your friend any indication that you feel resentful, even jokingly.
I remember a friend of mine saying half jokingly after I had dc1 'lucky old you, popping her out like that.' Id had dd in a midwife led unit with just a few whiffs of g and a but it absolutely wasnt a breeze... It was a long hard labour and I can still vividly remember getting to the point where I thought I would tear in two and die. You really can't know what your friend experienced so don't try to compare

girliefriend Sun 01-Dec-13 22:37:07

I can relate to how you are feeling op, I had a hideous birth and pregnancy (gallstones/induction/emcs/dd ended up in scbu for a week) and I blame the trauma of it for some of dds sensitivity and difficulties she had as a baby/toddler.

My bf sister literally popped her dd out, had no pain relief as 'didn't need it' and was in and out in the same day envy she then had a dream baby.

I know not everything is how it seems but it's difficult not to feel jealous sometimes.


stopgap Sun 01-Dec-13 23:08:23

The pregnancy and birth part were easy for me. It all started at three weeks, when my son turned colicky, and then at eleven weeks things went rapidly downhill when he developed horrendous silent reflux (that eased at six months, but it took a year before it went away).

I honestly wanted to punch the (very nice) women I encountered at mother & baby groups, simply because they had the luxury of napping when the baby napped, going out to restaurants with their babies etc. while I spent the first year with a baby strapped to me, struggled massively through every breast feed with a baby that screamed, kicked, arched etc., and walked at least five miles every day to get him to settle. I think there are about two photos in existence where my son, as a baby, is smiling as opposed to snarling.

Know that you are doing a fabulous job, that things will ease up, and do not hesitate to enlist friends/family/babysitters for minding, so that you can at least take a nap.

omuwalamulungi Sun 01-Dec-13 23:17:53

You have done a fantastic job, there is no textbook baby and you just do you best with what you get. Look how many challenges you have faced and overcome smile

I was never out of my normal clothes apart from the bump. Textbook ELCS and he's a pretty easy baby, reflux was a problem but has improved, never been able to establish a real routine but we're ok etc etc.

Because of that, everyone comments how well I'm doing, weight I've lost, but I hardly eat because I don't have time. His father dotes on us but he's 4000 miles away and this cannot change, so I'm alone a lot. I've had depression since I was 6 weeks pregnant and didn't really bond with him for 3 months, nobody noticed. (had some counselling and it helped)

I'm the first of my friends to have a baby and sometimes it frightens me that it's going to come to their turn and they'll realise that this is fucking difficult. I had terrible flu a few weeks ago and one of them genuinely said to me "at least you don't have to run around after him when you're ill" - I don't need to go into details because you're well aware of how much work a baby is!

Have you had a break from it all recently? If not, ask someone to babysit for an afternoon and go and do something for you. flowers

ClaraStahlbaum Sun 01-Dec-13 23:31:01

I have a friend who looked 6 months pregnant at 9 months, fully grown baby, both were healthy, had a quick, straightforward birth, was RUNNING two weeks later (not just once, every second day, if not every day), in a bikini a short time later, always happy, baking, socialising.

I have birth five months before her, had a difficult birth, got thyroid problem that left me unable to do ANYTHING, never mind socialise and run! I tried not to be, but found it hard not to be jealous. It wasn't until about a year later that she let slip a few time show difficult she found motherhood at the beginning. I had talked about it from my side, but she never said anything.

It is hard to see it look so easy for someone else, even though you're happy for them not to be having a difficult time. It's really not always quote as it seems though.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 01-Dec-13 23:33:47

my really, rreally hard work baby turned into a delightful toddler and easy going child.

the easy baby was a difficult toddler.

5 days is too soon to judge.

bubalou Sun 01-Dec-13 23:40:36

Can I say just wait.

I was one of these, although we too had a bad 1st week due to tongue tie issue I was into my old jeans in no time and was out with him all the time. 3 days after birth my tummy was so flat & i had put on no weight during pregnancy. grin

6 months later I was lonely as no other friends had dc and I hated mums clubs / meetings so refused to go. I weighed 1.5 stone more then after giving birth.

Be happy for get and know that the roles will likely be reversed one day. X

bellybuttonfairy Sun 01-Dec-13 23:52:07

Pah, it doesnt matter how she is doing. Have a look at your baby and smugly smile at how much lovelier she is....!

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sun 01-Dec-13 23:55:45

A lot of people pretend to cope a lot better than they do op

But even if she's finding it a breeze
I can understand why you would feel you got a rough deal
But I think you know it's not her fault

Hopefully things will get easier for you now

Retroformica Mon 02-Dec-13 00:07:27

I predict she will gave a tricky second and your seconds will be a piece of cake.

Spongingbobsunderpants Mon 02-Dec-13 00:18:12

If I had had dd2 first, then I probably would have been like your friend. Even now, when it's just me and her, it's a breeze. However, I had ds1 first - he was, from the start, a difficult feeder, cried all the time, and just generally 'more'. He is 4 now - and very funny, talented and quirkily bright, but still 'more'. He went through terrible phases of hitting and being incredibly difficult - so much so, that when I found out I was pg with dd2, I thought I wouldn't cope with 2. I think some kids are just more intense and require more effort. However, I firmly believe that the more you are forced to confront hard parenting early on, the better a parent you will be long term. I have utter conviction that my hard work is paying off - not all the time, but the moments when "oh what a lovely son you have" happen are starting to outweigh the disapproving tuts...!

A close family friend's son was a total nightmare as a kid but is now one of the loveliest and funniest people I know - he also happens to be a very successful comedian so here's hoping for my boy...

Bodicea Mon 02-Dec-13 08:40:51

Everyone has different paths to follow. For one thing the fact you were lucky enough to get pregnant and have a healthy baby is a blessing compared to some people.
I had a relatively easy pregnancy and my baby is a good sleeper but I had a difficult birth. And it took two miscarriages first before I got to this stage.
But I count my chickens, my friend has been trying for ages and can't get pregnant - I know which problems I would rather have had.
You never know she might have a really difficult toddler. A fried of mine had the easiest babies ever but her toddlers are seriously high maintenance!! It's exhausting being with them for even a few hours.

VomitingVeronica Mon 02-Dec-13 08:48:38

I've been there, and I knew it wasn't reasonable but that didn't change my emotions. Two babies with horrendous, drugged up to their eye balls, reflux and I felt and still feel cheated of the baby experience. Others had their babies sleeping for 3hr stretches and could feed in public without the looks and comments. We bottle fed both and people kept making comments about both not being hungry but they were, it just hurt too much so they cried. I was desperately envious of my sibling whose baby fed beautifully, slept like a dream and neither they nor their partner had any ability to understand why we were so careful about where we were when we needed to feed, were so sleep deprived, couldn't safely drive etc. I wouldn't wish what we have been through on anyone but I wish that they would understand. I also wouldn't change my children for anything but it has been a bloody tough road for all of us.

cantthinkofagoodone Mon 02-Dec-13 09:01:22

Ds is 18 months old and I still get jealous of easy babies! The good news is that toddlerhood is easy in comparison but I'm scared of anymore babies in case they are the same or worse than ds.

Hope your baby turns the corner soon. It's all about survival until then!

jenniferlawrence Mon 02-Dec-13 09:53:35

Your friend's tough time might still be to come. My lowest point was when my baby was 4 weeks old.

DeWe Mon 02-Dec-13 11:01:32

With all of mine I weighed less 5 days after birth than I did 5 days before conception. grin And could fit back into my clothes too...
However that was due to constant morning sickness from the beginning to the end... well about 1 hour after birth anyway.
I felt fantastic at 5 days simply because I no longer felt sick.

<looks at tummy and contemplates whether another pregnancy would be a good idea to lose a bit of weight>

Ham69 Mon 02-Dec-13 11:09:23

thanks Op.
My DC were horrific sleepers, terrible eaters, tongue tied and I couldn't ever put them down or let someone else hold them. They would scream and scream!
They are now 7 and 4. They go straight to bed with no arguing, always sleep through, are doing really well at school and are very polite, happy and easygoing children.
Just take a day at a time and don't worry about these 'easy' babies. Things soon turn around.

EssexGurl Mon 02-Dec-13 11:33:52

I was back in my jeans after 5 days. I was already struggling with my baby's not letting people know.

At 5 months I was being assessed by drs, social workers, psychiatrists etc on whether to section me.

Don't judge.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Mon 02-Dec-13 12:32:19

Wow, there are such amazing stories on here that just show you that you should never, ever think that you know what is going on in other people's lives and that you should never compare yourself. Focus on your new baby and taking each day at a time. Be thankful and know that it all passes.

I was more like you than your friend - awful birth, trouble bfing, etc etc. 7 years on, does it matter? No.

SicknSpan Mon 02-Dec-13 12:53:36

If she is your friend, I am sure that in reality you are really pleased for her having an easier time than you. Because friends only want good things for each other, right? A lot of this is about perception I guess. Other people may have had many of the experiences you had but did not consider it a tough time. Others would go through a lot less and consider it a nightmare. Not to say that those things aren't hard though- gosh aren't they! Do hope things settle down for you op.

If she is having a great time, then fab! Please don't resent her. Or do it inwardly knowing that it's quite unreasonable to do so. Some people have a shit time. Some people have a fab time. Neither will get the opportunity to walk in the others shoes though so will never know how "real" the picture is.

Hope things improve for you, and your friend continues to have what seems so far to be an easy ride. Wouldn't we all wish our friends whom we love could have a trouble free ride?

MiaowTheCat Mon 02-Dec-13 13:04:15

What you see and what the reality is are often two utterly different things.

I would have looked like your friend - jaws hit the floor when I rocked up at a baby group, two weeks after having DD2, two kids under 1... but I know that people reckon I've made things look easy when in reality they've been anything but - I've had to deal with a lot of stuff from DD1's birth, and I've had basically horrible PND/anxiety to pull myself through as well - could put the front on brilliantly to the outside world but there are still days at home where I've been sat in tears when the kids have gone down for a nap.

Plus DD1 was a dream little baby and I always said she'd be a feisty little bugger as a toddler - and it looks like I was right there! DD2 much much more complicated and sensitive little soul as a baby - bless her - she's lovely but gawd the lip trembles, the face crumples and the heartwrenching sobs if a fly looks at her the wrong way!

FantasticMax Mon 02-Dec-13 13:59:48

YABU for feeling jealous, but as others have said, you don't really know what's going on in her head. I was a bit like you, difficult birth, struggled for months and found it difficult to bond with my DD, she also had reflux and was a screamer. She's now 23 months and is (usually) a delight. But it's still bloody difficult at times.

People all around me are either pg with no.2 or have already had their second baby. I just can't go through it again and would be genuinely horrified at the thought of getting pregnant right now. This makes me sad obviously but I just have to get on with it and feel blessed for the child I do have.

It will get better though. Good luck.

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