To put on my knight's outfit and attack my DM with a sword because she said 4 is old enough to wipe my own bottom?

(59 Posts)
BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:45:15

I have a good arrangement with my DM, DF, DSis, DBs and indeed any other random people in the locality. I do a poo, they wipe me very nicely while I do a perfectly executed downward dog yoga position in the bathroom as my helpful contribution to the process. So far this has worked well as a hygiene strategy.

Only today things changed.

My DM offered instruction in how to rip off loo paper, how to fold loo paper, and how to reach my arm behind so I can wipe my own bottom. Then she told me to get on with it.

I was disgusted.

Poo is smelly and stinky, I told her, so this should be her job. My arms are too short.

She just laughed and told me to get on with it again.

I was not having that, so I put my entire foam knight's outfit on, got on my hobbyhorse and went into the sitting room armed with my foam sword to teach her a lesson. I was very cross. I rubbed my sword on her neck quite hard.

She just laughed and told me my bottom slaves were not going to do this for me any more. Sword or no sword.

Any amount of crying and protesting failed to work. I am concerned this neglect will continue. WWYD? WIBU?

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:46:11

I am BoffinBabe by the way. I have hacked into her account.

iliketea Sun 01-Dec-13 11:49:00

if you asked babytea - YADefNU. and never mind just poos, she needs to help you for all toileting matters, especially pulling pants up.

And if the knight costume doesn't get the message through, try roaring like a lion and declaring "you are not my best friend" to see if that helps things.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:49:55

That is a very good idea. Do you think my pirate outfit might have an impact as well?

Valdeeves Sun 01-Dec-13 11:52:34

Ha ha ha ha - this made me laugh - the strategy adopted in this house is "I'll wipe my own pee pee so you can do my bum" all said in a tone like its doing me a favour!

SPsWouldCatFishNev Sun 01-Dec-13 11:53:16

YANBU But I am now worried as I turned 4 on Friday so maybe my mum will try tell me this!

I already tried the short arms thing but they don't accept it. Its not fair.

Tell her you are no longer her friend and you are leaving home.

I like to stand up to wee so I less all over the seat and floor as I don't look or concentrate on what I am doing. Mum expects me to watch but why would I when I want to sing and dance while having a stand up wee?

They just don't understand

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:53:47

It's as bad as people who make you eat cutted up pear when you ask for it.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:54:27

You can wee standing up?? <thoughtful>

ChristmasJumperWearer Sun 01-Dec-13 11:54:47

Hi, it's LittleWearer here. YANBU and I admire your approach, but have found the following to be effective:

1) don't wipe at all and enjoy the expression of disgust hours later when they discover what you have done

2) just stay sitting on the toilet until they relent and return to wipe you. I can stay sitting on the toilet for aaaaaages (it may help if you take a book in with you to avoid boredom).

Good luck!

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:55:45

Littlewearer, you are inspired.

FudgefaceMcZ Sun 01-Dec-13 11:55:57

See what normally works in this house, at least for a while, is using about half a toilet roll all as one continuous thread to wipe on about one bit in every 5, then shoving it all down the toilet so someone else has to try and unclog it or pick out the paper (ugh).

If that fails, saying "Mummy you are making me very sad, I won't play with you ever again" can help.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:56:55

I think threats are the only language these DMs understand, tbh. You have to stand your ground.

Weknowwhoyouare Sun 01-Dec-13 11:57:39

I'm reading in horror at this. I'm 3 and my DM has just removed my potty and expects me to go upstairs to the toilet everytime I need a wee as she says my brother will play in the potty. I thought this was bad enough.

She's told me that when I go to school I will have to wipe my own bum but I thought it was a jokeshock


BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:57:54

Do you think if I go out the front door and stand on the driveway fiercely she will relent?

Vicki1972 Sun 01-Dec-13 11:58:34

I suggest uninviting DM from your birthday party.

Minivic xx

stubbornstains Sun 01-Dec-13 11:59:44

Civil disobedience is the key here boffinbaby.

Appear to acquiesce calmly to these demands. Lull the forces of oppression into a sense of false security. Wipe your bum perfectly for several days until you're left alone to perform the act. Then, stuff an entire roll's worth of paper into the loo, flush it, watch the toilet overflow all over the floor, stroll upstairs and inform The Woman of your act of sabotage, blaming it on your imaginary friend.

That'll show 'em. HTH. Junior Stains, aged 3 and three quarters.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sun 01-Dec-13 12:00:07

Hello from LittleLoveMyDog. I find a good approach is to leave it unflushed in the loo for a while until they work out what the smell is. You might find they are reluctant to let you go on your own for a while after that.

I also like to exact revenge some time later, so as not to be directly associated with the loo protest. Something like drawing on the wall, or tipping your dinner behind the dresser to be found later when the flies start hovering.

noblegiraffe Sun 01-Dec-13 12:01:52

I have a couple of suggestions

Sit on the toilet and say 'mummy, when I count to three, you have to come and wipe my bottom. 1....2....THREE mummy where are you???' And repeat

Say that wiping your bottom is too boring and therefore mummy should do it instead because you don't like boring things.

DownstairsMixUp Sun 01-Dec-13 12:01:57

She is being unreasonable. Simply refuse to comply as happens in my house and enjoy the looks of disgust when this is discovered upon bathtime. grin

stubbornstains Sun 01-Dec-13 12:02:36

If that fails, try dropping a pencil sharpener into her cup of tea. Or regurgitating unwanted bits of fish finger on the rug in pellet form, a la some particularly unsavoury kind of seabird, somewhere she will tread on with her bare feet.

SPsWouldCatFishNev Sun 01-Dec-13 12:03:54

I've been caught weeing in the bath while stood on my step. Mum wasn't pleased but I told her I would wash it out! These mothers of ours are never happy

AChristmassyJerseySpud Sun 01-Dec-13 12:07:26

I am 6 now nearly 7 and just wanted to tell you it gets worse. When you start school you are expected to nit only wipe your own bum but also dress yourself and the teachers won't do anything for you!

Ps I haven't told dsis yet as she's only 2 and still in nappies as she likes them

Princess hello kitty elder spud

KatyaRachmanova Sun 01-Dec-13 12:16:36

DM has started this, and I'm only three!

I tried telling her she wasn't my best friend anymore but she just said Auntie Sarah was anyway. hmm Lies, obviously.

So now, I have found just sitting there calling 'muuuum, muuuum, MUUUUUM' continuously does the trick. There's also a certain pitch about 'whine level ' that sets off a twitch in her eye. grin

Love LittleRachmanova

Helenagrace Sun 01-Dec-13 12:20:49

We am here from the future to tell you that things will get worse. Much MUCH worse.

We are now required to not only take our school lunch boxes into the kitchen but also to empty them AND put them in the dishwasher machine. Boy grace child tried non compliance and was forced to take mum's pink lunchbox to school after ignoring his lunchbox all weekend.

We have now been told that we have to put clean washing in drawers ALL BY OURSELVES.

Poo cleaning is the top of the iceberg!

Mini Graces (aged 12 and nearly 8)

lougle Sun 01-Dec-13 12:21:00

You need to learn to twerk - your arms can reach a whole extra 2-3 inches that way.

Squat and twerk - you'll amaze your mum!

SootikinAndSweep Sun 01-Dec-13 12:25:05

You are all amateurs. The way to get your DM's attention is to do your poo, don't wipe (of course), leave pants and trousers behind in the bathroom then sit on the sofa. That will focus her mind good and quick.

I know this and I am only three and a half.


ICameOnTheJitney Sun 01-Dec-13 12:28:00

YANBU of course. This is disgusting behaviour on the part of your Mother....obviously she's gaslighting you because my tomorrow she will be telling you that you're "her baby" and other things of that ilk.

My advice is next time she tries this on, let her know who is boss...go limp and "boneless" and let her do it.

feelingood Sun 01-Dec-13 12:29:45

Just wait until you have mastered that - then you will have to clean yu r poo marks inside the toilet too. You dirty little poo bum you.

SteamWisher Sun 01-Dec-13 12:35:48

Mmmmm well you could try wrapping your entire arm in loo paper using a whole roll of bog paper. Works for me.

I don't understand why DM gets so cross about it, especially when I'm extra helpful putting it all down the toilet when done.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 12:37:28

A sticker chart has appeared in the fridge with my name on it. What is she up to now?

Badvoc Sun 01-Dec-13 12:45:18

Well done mini boff
These uppity serfs must be taught a lesson!

gaggiagirl Sun 01-Dec-13 12:48:04

GaggiaTot here.

Here is what I do.....simply ask for a square of toilet paper whilst sitting on the toilet and push it between your legs so it falls straight into the toilet having only touched your thighs.

Your mam will be fooled by it and convinced you have wiped your own bum.

My mammy falls for it every time.

sapfu Sun 01-Dec-13 12:50:00

poo yourself
best remove knight outfit first

you are a knight that says 'no!'

Oh, and eat the stickers.

HamAlive Sun 01-Dec-13 12:51:18

Just do what I do. Shout "muuuuuuuuuuuum" ocer and over until she comes upstairs, then bend over, thrust your bum at her and demand "wipe my bum". She does it because the threat of me rubbing my pooey bum on her is too much grin

Mini Ham, aged 2y9m.

NotAQueef Sun 01-Dec-13 12:53:42

You fools, stay in nappies like me!
I turned 3 on Friday and like to mock my Mummy by demanding the potty, sotting on it for an hour (producing nothing) then doing a great big poo/wee in a nice clean fresh nappy. I see no reason to rock the boat at this stage. She doesn't know that I sometimes wee in the potty at nursery.


leonardofquirm Sun 01-Dec-13 12:54:25

I like to say that I don't want a mummy anymore, that seems to get her.

I pretend to be interested in poo wiping lessons, but don't ever try really.

I'm too busy trying to get them to hold my willy for me in an attempt to avoid hand .

Mini ofquirm

Salmotrutta Sun 01-Dec-13 12:54:52

TruttaGrandChild here - apparently I'm supposed to learn how to use a potty hmm

Please help.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 01-Dec-13 12:55:25

The kitten here, take a leaf from my book no one has been near my bottom since I was three, it is private I did not want some adult wiping round there - they tried on occasions saying I had not done it properly.
The getting dressed thing if you do it yourself you can wear what you like the adults are just sooooo delighted you are wear clothes. I once wore a Snow White costume for an entire week.
What gets me is do they not understand I am big enough to do everything.

leonardofquirm Sun 01-Dec-13 12:57:29

Hand washing.

Stupid Mummy's phone.

Best to do it in your pants and squish it about a bit, then she will be grateful she only has to wipe your bum and not your whole bottom half.

The following convoconvo just worked for me:

'Muuuuuum, wipe my bumbum' (mum is downstairs in the sofa hungoverpoorly.

No sshe says, do it yourself.

'But you always tell me not to touch my bottom when I'm scratching it on the sofa. I'm just doing as I'm told.'

She came and wiped it and said I was too clever for my own good. Result.



SilverApples Sun 01-Dec-13 13:03:24

I once spent ages and ages in the loo, and when my mummy came to find out what I was doing, I gave her a mouse, carefully sculpted with ears and a tail and everything.
I was very, very cross and upset when she flushed it, I was going to call her Mousey and she would have been my pet.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 15:10:39

grin Silver

Gilbert and George must have started off their careers doing that. grin

I have been told I can choose a comic if I get a lot of stickers on my chart. Damn the woman! I now like the idea. She does this every time!

Mamagiraffe Sun 01-Dec-13 15:28:16

babygiraffe here... 2 words- ghost poo, keep her guessing and surprise attack when she least expects ;-) hth

Rufustherednosedreindeer Sun 01-Dec-13 17:02:51

You need to work harder, my daddy was still wiping my poo bum when I was well over 9

Even though my mummy kept telling him not do it and that I should be doing it myself...I showed her!!!!!

Rufus number 2 (that is not a pun I am child number 2 grin)

JennyOnAPlate Sun 01-Dec-13 17:13:33

The trick is to make such an awful mess of it that your mummy never lets you near your own bum again. I'm talking poo under the fingernails messy, and a blocked toilet to boot.

Littleplate age 3.10

capercaillie Sun 01-Dec-13 17:15:13

Can I join in? I'm 4 too. My mum says she is going to take the potties away. I am too small to get on the toilet and I fall in it. Besides, I can't sit for an hour on the toilet playing with the octonauts. If we gang up together, we can write a book and tell them they are wrong wrong wrong.

Little miss capercaillie.

Ps mummy was laughing so much that I managed to get phone. Weird.

SuffolkNWhat Sun 01-Dec-13 17:34:22

My advice is thus (yes I say thus, deal with it):

Wait until Mummy is feeding your baby sister then totter off to avail yourself of the facilities quietly. Start your calling slowly and at a low volume, you know the kind, where the grown ups have to mute the TV as they think they heard something.

Increase volume and pitch until they call out to you at which point scream about having done a poo and needing a wipe. Listen in amusement as Mummy shouts to Daddy that she is feeding so can he please help you out.

This is perfect time to make up a little song about having done a poo and to sing it very loudly indeed until your personal privy of the stool attends you. Don't forget to have a meltdown if your helper deigns to try and flush the toilet whilst you are still in the vicinity just to finish things off nicely.

Mini Suffolk the Elder

OneMoreThenNoMore Sun 01-Dec-13 17:36:43

MiniOneMore here; this is neglect, surely?

My tip is to start doing it in your pants, then they'll be grateful when you make it onto the potty in time for half an hour, whilst playing with your toys All thoughts of teaching you to get yourself upstairs to the toilet will quickly disappear.

They know that I manage to do it all by myself at nursery but they can't figure out why I keep having accidents at home wink


BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 17:51:05

<arf> at privy of the stool! grin

londonrach Sun 01-Dec-13 18:13:27

Lol. Holly here aged 5 londonrach is my aunt. she seemed shocked when i needed my bottom wiped and havent repeated the experience. Need to talk to my uncle about this as need some cousins... Little boffin why would you want to ruin your nice pretty pants and not wipe. I was so pleased to leave nappies behind to get to choose my pants every morning. I have a special drawer and even have some peppa pigs ones. They go nicely under my different princesses clothes. Why a knight outfit when you can be spider or a snowman or a princesses. Outfit changes every half a hour with christmas day or friend visiting ever 10 minutes.... Dm fails to understand why id rather put something else one instead of playing but my friend not see new outfit. Pink and red so go together and fail to see why londonrach said it didnt. Who said they keep something on for a week.....why..theres so much to try on....

ItsAWonderfulCervix Sun 01-Dec-13 19:12:52

I simply cannot believe all you lot. you really need to pull yourselves together and grow up.

I have been wiping my own bottom since I was about 2. It really isn't that hard.

Although I may have been much more advanced than you lot due to my Dear M's commitment to Elimination Communication. I have been continent since I was 3 weeks old.

Independence is a wonderful thing.


Tanith Sun 01-Dec-13 19:36:40

There's no pleasing these mummies sometimes! When I learned to wipe my own bottom, I told my Mummy that I didn't need her any more and it was lucky because she'd be dead, soon, anyway.

She got a bit upset. You'd have thought she'd be proud that I could cope on my own at 4, but no! confused

TheNaughtySausage Sun 01-Dec-13 19:58:56

Oooooh you are all giving me lots of ideas! I still have to wear nappies but I do like to roll over the second mummy takes my nappy off so that I can make nice pooey smears on my changing mat. I've also discovered a lovely table covered in all sorts of interesting things just within reaching distance and one day I will squirm and wriggle all the way there while mummy is trying to keep me out of the pooey smears, bwa hahahahaaaaa!
From BabySausage aged 10 months

phantomnamechanger Sun 01-Dec-13 20:14:37

1) poo in the toy box
2) look bemused while parents hunt for source of stench
3) deny all knowledge and blame burglars/mice/ghosts when the poop is found.
4) RESULT - they will escort you to and from the loo and clean your botty forevermore

HTH grin juniorphantom

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 Sun 01-Dec-13 20:19:08

You think that you guys have problems - Sheesh!! At least you have hands wink

I'm not human, I'm a little hairy furball of a persian but I've got a few tricks for you all smile

My human mummy MUST wipe my bottom on occasions as I can't complete the task myself but sometimes a nasty lady comes and uses a noisy device in my bum area to remove my hair sad

Anyway,to get my revenge here's what I do to annoy mummy-
When your bum's not fully clean, go naked from the waist down and sit on the floor, open your legs and place your hands in front of you then proceed to drag your little arse across the floor/carpet, do it quickly and cover as much space as you can for maximum effect.

Rubbing naked bum on the side of the sofa or on mum's leg will guarantee a reaction too.

Good luck my little human friends, I hope you win your battles smile

BoffinMum Wed 04-Dec-13 18:16:51

Well I have worked out that SOME people in this family will do the decent thing and wipe me, but MUMMY is the mean one who makes me do it all by my own now my arms are long enough. Although getting poo all down my legs and stuck to my ankles just before setting off for school has hopefully provided a disincentive to future wiping exhortations.

I have only got one sticker since Sunday.

BoffinMum Mon 09-Dec-13 22:45:06

Three stickers now and counting.
Seven more to my comic.
I am a knight that says 'OK then'

BoffinMum Mon 09-Dec-13 22:46:12

I did announce at one stage I hated them all, EVEN Daddy.

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