me chooseto ignore me when we go pregnant

(143 Posts)
aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 07:46:49

he keeps on ignoring my msgs even when i have left day and weeks inbetween msgs and i kept the topic about the baby, was civil to him ans wished him well etc.

i even sent him a pic of me holding a postive test ( he implied i was lying first of all). and i invited him to any scans, plus offered DNA etc.

the only talk we has lasted 7 mins, when he lecured me on the morning after pill and said it would be best if we had NO contact.

AIBU to just want to know how he feels about the baby?

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 07:49:26

sorry it should read he (my boyf) chose to ignore me, and im pregnant

MinesAPintOfTea Sun 01-Dec-13 07:50:33

I'm afraid he's telling you how he feels about the baby and it isn't positive. Suggest you plan for a future without taking him into account brew

Mumof3xx Sun 01-Dec-13 07:50:45

How old are you both?
How long were you together?

I guess baby wasn't planned?

He's telling you loud and clear how he feels about the baby, I'm afraid. And about you.
I'm sorry.

bragmatic Sun 01-Dec-13 07:51:38

I think you already know how he feels about the baby. Will you pursue child support? If not, then leave it. If so, then see about his financial responsibilities by contacting the relevant social services. I'd leave contact with him, regardless. It's clear he wants nothing to do with either you or the baby. Good luck.

Misfitless Sun 01-Dec-13 07:53:44

I think you know how he feels about the baby.

It's natural for you to want to discuss this with him, and for you to wish he wanted to be involved in your pregnancy.

Sadly, every time you contact him, you are opening yourself up to more hurt brought on by his rejections of you and your unborn baby.

Surround yourself with positive friends and family who want to be involved and save your emotional energy for the fantastic journey ahead.

Good luck thanks

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 01-Dec-13 07:53:55

Sorry OP. He's telling you he doesn't want you or the baby.
So sorry for you.

Retroformica Sun 01-Dec-13 07:54:39

I take it you are not in a relationship? What did he say in the lecture about the morning after pill?

To be honest i would joust send odd texts and not bombard at this stage. It may be hard for him to predict how he will feel about baby when the baby arrives. Often a woman is more excited anyway. However all cards will be thrown in the air come the birth. Many people have overwhelming feeling of love towards a baby. Strong feelings that come unexpectedly from nowhere.

atomicYuleLoghurt Sun 01-Dec-13 07:55:20

YANBU but he's already told you how he feels. Sorry, but its better to find our now than later. You next to think about whether you want to get money for child support or not. If not you need to think about your future without him and make decisions based on that.

Why would she not want to pursue him for child support? Unless she is so wealthy herself that any money he provides would be a drop in the ocean

Retroformica Sun 01-Dec-13 07:59:37

It maybe that he wants to duck out but actually it's very likely that he is shit scared. Maybe he can only see the negatives (loss sleep/social life effected) and not the positives yet.

My DH was really frightened with the first despite being a fully grown man. Some of his mates were the same so I don't think it's unusual.

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 08:05:59

we are not togther, but i told him that he could have contact when he wanted. so i doubt it is that. in fact his life can only be enriched.

in the 7 mins covo we had he reckoned i did it to entrap him? which was so far from the truth id laughable, ive been sick in hospital, so we ahem made up for things when i felt well enough.

does child support depend on what they guy earns? or is it a set amount

ZillionChocolate Sun 01-Dec-13 08:09:34

Depends on what he earns.

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 08:16:55

the thing is, if he keeps ignoring me, i want to change the tables. i think ive beeen far to nice, my next email, which i will i send inabout a week time will give him a choice, he gets in cotact and talk about ALL options. or he will get a deduction from the csa each week with nothing to for it.

i have only just moved so he does not know of my address, and he lives in another city. another poster was right, everytime i contact him, and get NO response or a kick in the teethone, it only hurts me.

by letting him wonder about his progeny, is a boy/girl etc may make him see sense, if it dosent then we will get by on his child suport.

i may even hint that im thinking of aborting ( thats what he wants) to see his reaction

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 08:18:01

hmmmm thinking of some emails

fancyanotherfez Sun 01-Dec-13 08:18:15

I don't think telling him he can have contact when he wants is helpful for the child- having someone wander in and out whenever they feel like it will not be good for the baby in the long term. If he's not worried about the life changes, he's telling you loud and clear that he's not interested in having a child. He should have thought of that before, but hey. His loss. Plan for a life as a single parent and look after yourself flowers

Mumof3xx Sun 01-Dec-13 08:18:18

That's a bit immature

sparkle101 Sun 01-Dec-13 08:22:05

He's telling you what he wants. I don't think throwing abortion into the mix just to get a reaction is a good idea at all and not very thought through.

ICameOnTheJitney Sun 01-Dec-13 08:22:44

Don't play games. Rise above him and get on with your pregnancy. You're going to be without him it seems....not easy at all but you can do it.

RedHelenB Sun 01-Dec-13 08:23:02

You need to grow up & prioritise your baby if you are planning on keeping it - babies aren't pay per view!

fancyanotherfez Sun 01-Dec-13 08:23:28

I think it sounds like you are hoping that he will say 'Oh No! Don't abort my baby! lets live happily ever after!' when by the sounds of it, he'll see it as his get out of jail free card. How will you feel if he agrees to the abortion? Have an abortion if you want one, not for anyone else.

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 08:25:18

fanncyanotherfez, thats a good point ive not thought of, the chances are he wont want much to do with/him/her. he may want no contact whatsoever with baby after he/she born.

Shakirasma Sun 01-Dec-13 08:26:00

You would lie about thinking of aborting? That is using the child as a weapon and it hasn't even been born yet!

I'm sorry you are in this position, but if your really are keeping the baby then you need to grow up fast.

mumToOne33 Sun 01-Dec-13 08:28:19

OP plan your life with your baby assuming he won't be around - it doesn't sound like he wants to be involved. Now is the time to focus on giving yourself and your baby a positive future, forget the dad if he doesn't want to be there.

Child support is based on his income, you will want to get it organised.

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 08:29:08

i want him to admit that he wants the baby aborted.

whats the best way to do that?

!do u want an abortion them seems so crass"

i know he does not give a damn about me or our baby.

pinkdelight Sun 01-Dec-13 08:32:12

This sounds very childish, photos of you with the test result and floating 'aborting' in a text. Is this really hiw young people conduct relationships now?!

You've moved away physically, now move on mentally. You can't pursue financial support till you've had the baby afaik, as he's bound to insist it's not his. Stop tormenting yourself - this child clearly wasn't planned so his reaction is not nice but shouldn't be a shock to you. Erase his negativity, communicate with him (if you must) through a mature third party (and through legal channels when the time comes), ocus on your future with the baby as a single mum, that will take up all of your energy. Good luck and congratulations! (Assuming you are really thinking of 'aborting' - i'm pro-choice, but dear god, what a way to say it)

softlysoftly Sun 01-Dec-13 08:32:18

I can't imagine why he thought you were manipulative enough to "entrap" him hmm

I think maybe you need to grow up.

Shakirasma Sun 01-Dec-13 08:33:25

But why do you need him to admit that? What will hearing it achieve?

You have chosen to continue the pregnancy, he is not interested. For the sake of your child please get over him and focus on your future without him in it. What he thinks or wants is now irrelevant if you have made the choice.

pinkdelight Sun 01-Dec-13 08:34:07

"i want him to admit that he wants the baby aborted."

Why??? Will that make you feel better? Do you want to tell your child one day? Maybe keep the text as evidence?

Yabu. Forget him. Grow up.

valiumredhead Sun 01-Dec-13 08:34:12

Stop texting and emailing, have conversations face to face about this or on the phone at a push.

SootikinAndSweep Sun 01-Dec-13 08:34:22

Why do you need him to admit it? He's been very clear that he doesn't want to be a father (his 'lecture' about the MAP, plus him saying you've 'trapped' him), and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Do you want an abortion?

Spychic Sun 01-Dec-13 08:37:09

Why would you want him to admit that?? How awful I'd your child found out one day; his feelings may well change after the birth but once the words are out there they could cause pain years later.

I know you are hurting, I'm so sorry you're going through this alone. But please focus on taking care of yourself and baby, attempts to get revenge or control your ex will only cause more suffering.

ZillionChocolate Sun 01-Dec-13 08:37:50

Doesn't matter whether he wants a termination or not. This is your decision. You have to look at whether you want this baby as a single parent. Do not rely on having any input from him.

Rather than playing silly games, you would be better spending your time preparing for this baby.

Op, do YOU want this baby? If so, you need to back away from him (no contact, no games) and concentrate on getting things ready for your child. As well as practical stuff like cot, pram etc this also means getting yourself in a good place. Ignore this man. Be positive about being a mother. Talk to csa to fibd out how to apply for maintenence. Put your energies into your baby.

Finola1step Sun 01-Dec-13 08:43:35

You are playing a very dangerous game here alone. Let me put this very clearly to you. He didn't believe you were pregnant. He thinks you got pregnant to trap him. He does not reply to your messages. He is not happy about the pregnancy and this will not change.

If you say anything about an abortion, he still will not be bothered. He sees this pregnancy as your problem and a mistake. It does not matter if he admits to you that he wants you to have an abortion. Only you can make that decision.

He wil not come running back wanting to play happy families. So the choices you have are:

1. You choose not to continue with the pregnancy
2. You have the baby and go for financial support for the baby via the CSA
3. You have the baby and go it alone
4. You have the baby and give the baby up for adoption.

The father is making it perfectly clear that he wants no emotional involvement with this child. I am sorry to be so blunt, but you need a firm talking to before you make some very silly mistakes.

Do your family and friends know? What do they think. How long were you seeing this man for? How old are you both?

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 08:45:37

ive not chosen yet.

oh fyi

it was him that asked e to post pic pf preg result,bit not sure aboue what is so crass about that.

if i can ever get him to speak to me or even ext me, then i would know his feelings on abortions. i think he would assume i would automatically get one, then our active life would assume.

it matters to me what the father or out child thinks.

he wont respond to civil nice txt about baby.

i could ignore him and forever wonder and ket him have his silent treatment or I could get him to man up and tell me, yes he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me ( but why?) and the child is the innocent party and should she suffer cos her dad does not have the balls to say, he does not want occasional contact.

Mumof3xx Sun 01-Dec-13 08:47:50

Op are you and he fairly young?

SootikinAndSweep Sun 01-Dec-13 08:50:13

He asked you to send him the picture because he doesn't trust you not to lie about being pregnant. Surely that shows in itself that the relationship is no good.

So, that leaves you with having a baby on your own, or not.

How you you feel about having the baby by yourself? All this seems to be about what he feels and wants. It's like you're using his view on fatherhood and abortion to judge whether you should continue with the relationship.

NK5BM3 Sun 01-Dec-13 08:51:58

How far along are you? I think you need to stop playing these games and decide for the sake of the unborn fgs.

What do you mean by (I'm paraphrasing here) if you abort then you can resume your active life??? An abortion is not a means of birth control!!! angry

Pimpf Sun 01-Dec-13 08:53:00

How old are you? If you decide to have this baby (I think you really need to forget about this man/boy) then you have a lot of growing up to do and very quickly. This child needs a mature adult to look out for him/her

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 01-Dec-13 08:54:03

You sound all over the place op.

Do you have some real life support? Mum? Friends?

Stop thinking about what he wants and doesn't want. If you want the baby, plan your life as a single parent. Contact the csa etc. I understand you are hurting but chasing him wont help you.

AnUnearthlyChild Sun 01-Dec-13 08:55:49

If he wants nothing to do with him, then ignore him.

Stops trying to make him care. He dosent care. No amount of hysteria and childish threats on your part will change that.

When the baby is born go through CSA for support.

You don't need to 'forever wonder'. He has made it perfectly clear how he feels. Is there a Brook advisory centre near you? You sound like you need rl support.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 01-Dec-13 08:58:01

OP you sound incredibly immature. You really need to think about whether you are ready and capable of being a parent before your pregnancy progresses any further.

It is hard to understand your posts, but are you suggesting that you would continue a relationship with him after he has treated you so horribly?

HairyGrotter Sun 01-Dec-13 09:02:52

You both sound idiotic and what a shame.

Grow up, well, you will when that baby arrives (fingers crossed). DD's bio dad was like your ex BF, I left it at that and we've not seen or heard from him since 2008.

Have some dignity, and grow up

ouryve Sun 01-Dec-13 09:10:11

It's an unfortunate and not uncommon situation. Having sex resulted in what having sex is designed to achieve, which is not something that he wants.

You will gain nothing by pursuing him, trying to get him to admit his feelings on abortion, etc. You will be hurt even more than you already are, though. It's time to acknowledge that you have stepped fairly and squarely into the world of adulthood, accept that by this time next year, you will be a mother and prepare yourself for that role. If you need financial support then do that through the CSA.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 01-Dec-13 09:33:45

He sounds like an immature waste of space

If you want the baby I would ensure you have family support and assume you will be doing it alone.

But also get him to contribute financially.

Don't try to manipulate him. Just put your efforts into you and your baby.

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 09:34:38

no i dont have any family and his maters were mine and i moved hours away. his friends naturally take his side and don want anything to do with it, one even made a bet saying, " i be she will miscarry before the scan she has invited you too etc.

I kmow that he does not want me ( but it be nice to know why) and why is he so against the pregnancy, he said he wanted kids someday? well he is now 31, he is not a teenager that just wants out with the lads.

he knows im the the type to cheat, but when i was in hospital for kidneys, he never asked about me or the baby.

I feel like people are not getting the point.

we are not teens that had a one night stand.

Short of copying the msgs on here, believe me I did my best to try and be mature about the whole thing. I either get terse/ medical type response or ignored

I need to make my very mind up soon if I wish to terminate ( as that maybe best for us, tho generally Im against abortion.

I would just like an option for us to sit as adults and discuss things.

he is ignoring his own kid and i want to know what HE WANTS/THINK.


aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 09:38:26


and we got together we both decided we want children one day. at present it is akward for him due to his career. and I am in poor health, so if i do have the baby im going to need practical help.

Pagwatch Sun 01-Dec-13 09:39:21

What he wants/thinks is to have nothing to do with you and nothing to do with the child.

Is that not totally, completely obvious?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 01-Dec-13 09:40:36

OP - I'm sorry you feel people aren't getting the point but you haven't expressed yourself clearly at all, perhaps until your last post.

It wasn't clear how old you both were, whether you were even in an established relationship or anything.

Of course you would like to discuss things with him, but from his point of view there is clearly nothing to discuss. He doesn't want to be involved with you or the baby.
You now have to decide what you are going to do and forget about him. You cannot force him to be interested.

Serenitysutton Sun 01-Dec-13 09:41:09

I don't understand alone- do you want him to decide whether or not you have an abortion? Or do you want for you to both agree whether of not go have one?

Sadly he's very clearly telling you that he has no concern what you do. Go quiet, have a week to yourself to decide what you want to do . His friends etc- this couldn't be less their business. Don't worry about them. Stop wrapping up your anxieties in him.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 01-Dec-13 09:41:45

We are getting the point.

He is telling you he wants nothing to do with the baby. And also that he doesn't trust you and frankly has a low opinion of you.

Don't lower yourself to send him any more messages.

He truly sounds awful and you would manage better alone.

But I suspect you just want us to tell you ways to get him to talk to you so wont listen

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 01-Dec-13 09:43:29

You will have to get practical help elsewhere. .you can't make him give it, sadly

What he wants or thinks is irrelevant, although I'd argue he's made it clear.
If you need practical help then you need to work out how you will make that happen, taking him out of the equation. It sounds like even if he does 'come back' it may be short lived, especially when there's a crying baby and a mother who no longer wants sex or fun.
You both sound incredibly immature. He is 31 and has a 'career'. Bloody hell. What a complete and utter loser.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 01-Dec-13 09:43:42

x-posts with your last post.

So you wouldn't be able to look after the baby on your own? It would, IMO, be unwise to have a baby in those circumstances.
You cannot have the baby and then hope that he will 'come around' and be suddenly happy to be involved and help.

Monetbyhimself Sun 01-Dec-13 09:49:15

You are going to have to stop and think of practicalities. It may take some time for the CSA to make him provide financial support. Will you qualify for maternity pay ? Is your accomodation appropriate ? What impact will a pregnancy have on your health? What childcare will you need when you go back to work ? Is moving nearer your family an option ? Any decisions about continuing with the pregnancy or not are yours alone. Hard as it is, you need to remove him from the equation for now.

OP, do you want a child?

Pagwatch Sun 01-Dec-13 09:55:23

I'm sorry my post was so brusque but you need to stop factoring him into your decision making.
You need to proceed on the basis that you would be having this child alone.

I am rather concerned that you think he is suddenly going to have some sort of awakening and fall in love with the idea of being a father.
He won't. You are making decisions just for you and your child.

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 09:58:29

it is unlikely i will have my job after xmas so i will get govt benefits. i live in a small 1 bed flat which will do for now.

health issues causes me to faint and haveblackout i sometimes need a catheteter, when i told the dr i miight be pregnant she did not seem concerned. i have no family or friends.

its just going to be me and the baby.

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 01-Dec-13 09:58:52

OP, you need to stop obsessing over what HE thinks. His actions are telling you exactly what he thinks anyway. You are the one who is pregnant. He is extremely unlikely to give you the support you will need. You have no family and health problems, do you think you can raise a child alone? That is the only question you need to be thinking about. His thoughts on abortion are completely irrelevant seeing as he will be neither carrying or raising this child.

Only1scoop Sun 01-Dec-13 09:59:19

I'm slightly confused by some of this post....I guess it boils down to what you want to do. Do you want to have the baby are you able to care for and support a child? I wouldn't figure the father in any plans, he has made his feelings clear with his lack of response.

Only1scoop Sun 01-Dec-13 10:01:29

How many weeks are you or have I missed that somewhere? If so apologies

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 10:03:36


he comes from a very large loving family where they dote on the grandkids/nephews etc. That would provide some much needed support to me.
I fear that without him, i may have to rely on statutory service and that social services may get involved.

OP do you want a baby?

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 10:09:05

im only JUST 9 weeks

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 10:10:04

yes i really do want the baby, but i dont think i can cope

oh dear sad That's difficult. Do you have no one around you who can support you? Have you seen a midwife yet?

I really am starting to see where you're coming from on this.

qazxc Sun 01-Dec-13 10:12:32

OP. I know how hard it is to hear when you are hung up on someone but he clearly does not want a relationship with you. He thinks you are playing games, and seeing that in your posts you mention you might do exactly that does not help matters.

Take him out of the equation :
- can you afford to have a baby?
- are your living arrangements suitable.
-is your health up to it (both pregnancy and looking after a child)
- do you want this baby (and not just as a pawn in mindgames with your ex).
- going forward how will you support you and your baby (when you find a job who will look after the child, etc...)
- how do you feel about a termination

you have to make the decision yourself, it does not matter what he thinks.

specialsubject Sun 01-Dec-13 10:12:41

stop wasting your time with texts.

he's got what he wanted from you and doesn't care about you or your baby. If you continue with the pregnancy you will be on your own.

so if you are continuing, get real and start planning for housing, income etc etc. And yes, you will have to make a CSA claim.

starlight1234 Sun 01-Dec-13 10:16:55

I think you need to take them out the equasion of support too... Family support there own if he wants nothing to do with this child, which he is clearly saying the family will follow in my experience although there are exceptions to this.

You sound unsure if you want the baby. you need to decide if you want to bring up this baby on your own? Then you need to ask direct questions to your doctors about your health and then start looking at support services for when the baby is born...

You do need to not message him anything... It will not help anything in the descisions you need to make...

BohemianGirl Sun 01-Dec-13 10:20:50

I tell my sons about women like you OP. You scare and horrify me in equal measures. I dread any of my sons getting embroiled with someone as devious and manipulative as you.

fifi669 Sun 01-Dec-13 10:22:39

Dangling an abortion in front of him is incredibly immature and the fact you say you're not a youngster and would say this is astounding.

That aside, you need to forget about him. Easier said than done I know. When ex left I was 20 weeks pregnant, I did the texts, the tearful phone calls, he was horrible. Even after DS was born and he showed some interest, all the mind games and put downs continued. DS hasn't seen him since March 2012 and he's almost 3 so that's a lot of his life! Sad considering we both live in a town you can cross by foot in 20 minutes. Even if he started to show some interest, it may be the same, fleeting and inconsistent. No good for you or the baby.

If you have medical issues that prevent you from being able to care for a baby alone, I think black outs would suggest this, I think social services will do everything they can to aid you.

NurseRoscoe Sun 01-Dec-13 10:23:34

If you choose to have the baby your health visitor will be able to advise you of parenting groups and things where you can meet other mums, make friends and get support.

This ex boyfriend sounds like he would do more harm than good. I do kind of understand what you mean about wanting to know if he wants an abortion, if my partner had wanted me to get an abortion I would of refused but not bothered pressuring him for contact or anything unless he came round to the idea and wanted it. If he had told me he wanted to have the baby but didn't want to be with me that would of been ok too, heartbreaking but ok.

I understand that you are running out of time but I think if you really wanted an abortion you would booked one. You say you want the baby so I would advise against abortion, if it's not 100% what you want you could end up regretting it and you can always choose adoption if you don't manage to get things sorted and you really feel like you can't cope.

Don't let this man shape your decision though. Even if he wants no contact his parents etc may still want to know their grandchild?

Only1scoop Sun 01-Dec-13 10:23:49

It's hard to potentially figure his family in as potential support if he doesn't want the child....(not saying they wouldn't want to). I feel you need to think of your health and how you will bring the baby up alone. Of course if you decide to terminate or are indeed thinking of that you need to get some advice pretty soon.

IThink without his and hisfamily's support the op feels she has to abort. And I agree. But if that support was in place she'd gladly keep the baby.
That said, if you kept the baby then split youd have to have sole care of the baby at times which sounds likd it would be dangerous. And I think even if this does get smoothed over you will split either before birth or shortly after.

bellasuewow Sun 01-Dec-13 10:30:08

Why are you having the baby if he doesn't want one is that fair on any of you.

Monetbyhimself Sun 01-Dec-13 10:33:22

Bohemisn so you're the type of mother who raises sons who walk away from their responsibilities ? You must be so very proud of your menz hmm

If he told you he wanted you to have an abortion, would you get one?

qazxc Sun 01-Dec-13 10:38:04

Do not factor anyone else in making your decision OP, not your ex, not his family. They may or may not support you, there's no way of knowing so i would assume the worse. Better to be pleasantly surprised than left high and dry having counted on their help.

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 10:39:28

visualise probably not depends on health issues, how would i cope etc.

OddFodd Sun 01-Dec-13 10:41:41

It is very obvious that he doesn't want the baby. You both sound very immature. I also thought you were both teenagers.

Whether you choose to keep it or not is up to you but I would think very hard if you will be able to cope alone, particularly with your health issues.
Being a single parent is very, very hard work, especially parenting a baby.

aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 10:41:49

bellSUE, HE DIDNT SAY never wanted a baby just that he wanted no contact, so shouldnt make any difference to him.

OddFodd Sun 01-Dec-13 10:43:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Mia4 Sun 01-Dec-13 10:44:57

OP this is going to sound harsh, he doesn't want you for whatever reason and as a result he doesn't want a child with you because he'll feel linked forever with you. It's exactly how my uncle felt, which was why the wanker ran out on my aunt when she had a baby and why he never sees her or pays for her. He's put up a wall and broken that link.

Your ex-partner doesn't want you in his life in any way and he knows that with a baby you will always be tied together- he will have to pay maintenance, or even if he ignores will at least be hassled by the csa, if his family find out they might also want to meet their new you see.

It's shitty but that is the reason, he wants a complete break. He can't have that if you choose to keep the baby, that decision is yours though-not his. Just don't expect him to suddenly want you or the baby once it's born because you'll be wasting your time and hurting the both of you.

People are understanding you, i just don't think you want to acccept the truth I expect you want to have him say the words 'i don't want this baby' because you are hoping he will change his mind. And maybe a part of you wants closure on that. Actions speak louder then words though OP and his actions say 'leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you both'.

You need to stop texting him, that's just fueling his behaviour and hurting yourself. If someone doesn't want to do something then constantly persistent communication can make you more stubborn in sticking with your belief. From his pov, he probably feels very harassed and less likely to want anything to do with you. He's a wanker OP but that doesn't sound like it's going to change any time soon so you need to think on yourself.

Do you want this baby? If so you need to think like a single parent and start looking into the help that's about and preparing to do it alone. Also, stop texting him, decide what you want to do and go NC, let him approach you to find out what's going on but contact csa for monetary support.

PesterPower Sun 01-Dec-13 10:46:21

This sounds like such a stressful time OP. I really feel for you.

I think the best thing you can do is take him out of the equation.

Decide what you want to do and if you think you can cope by yourself because it looks like that's how this will go.

Don't play any more silly games. You can rise above this and be the decent one in this.

I was in a similar situation - ex not at all interested in the baby, ignored my contact etc. The only thing I could do was offer him the choice.

DD is 12 now. He is not involved. His parents and family are though because I gave everyone the choice.

The thing is, I can look my DD in the eye and tell her I was fair, I gave him the choice and I acted in a dignified way. She can see which one of us has done the right thing an your child will to. You can't control his reaction to this baby. You can only make sure yours is fair and not something you'll be ashamed to explain to your child in years to come.

Good luck.

NK5BM3 Sun 01-Dec-13 11:05:08

How much clearer a signal do you want? He wants nothing to do with you. He has already said that. So the decision now is do you or can you have a baby by yourself?

You indicate you have bad health and no family and friends. I would say based on the first reason alone you can't have the baby.

You also say in a post (I'm again paraphrasing) that he knows that you cheat (!?). Is that right? In which case from his point of view, how can he be sure that the baby is his? Offering DNA tests etc is besides the point isn't it? The fact is this isn't a baby that will be brought into the world in some sort of 'happy situation'.

You say he's 31 and has a 'career'. How old are you? And what job do you do?

bellasuewow Sun 01-Dec-13 11:05:20

sorry have you been fair to your child and done your best by having a. Child with someone who did not want to be a parent. You wanted a child despite the other person not wanting one and the fact it would mean your child had to grow up with a parent who did not want them. That is damaging and unfair. Sorry but I think your child may grow up and really judge you both harshly for that as you made a decision based on what you wanted. Men have the right to be parents to or not to be. Both men and women need to take responsibility and stop having unplanned and unwanted pregnancies how can a child be happy with one parent that does not want them.

Only1scoop Sun 01-Dec-13 11:07:06

I also picked up on the bit about you cheating but wasn't sure if it was a typo....

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 11:07:48

By saying he wants nothing to do with you and ignoring all contact, he is telling you by his actions, very clearly, that he does not want a relationship with you or the baby. He is telling you even more clearly than in words. Listen to that silence and accept what it is telling you. He is out of the picture other than in terms of CSA ordered maintenance.

If you think there is likely to be social services involvement (why would there be? What is the background to that - have you had mental health problems and/or a record of drug abuse or something?) then I would call them and discuss what support they can offer you if you have the baby. It'll go a lot better for you if you contact them and ask for help than they intervene.

I think you need to see your GP and talk to them honestly about your situation. 9 weeks is very early and if you don't feel you can cope as a single mother to a newborn (and bluntly, I don't think I could without support from friends/family either - even then, it would be a struggle) then you could terminate relatively easily. I also think, whatever you decide, that you need to ask for professional psychological help - not just a counsellor, a fully qualified psychologist. You say you have no friends and no family and you sound lonely, and rather as though you hoped this man would be able to offer you that family and social life you miss. That's very human, and normal, and I do think you might benefit from some support in working through your history and your emotions so you can start to build those things for yourself.

I do think you need to consider whether you are emotionally ready for a child. They take and take and take emotionally, physically and mentally when small. They push almost everyone to breaking point. They're very much worth it when you have enough inner and practical resources to handle that and meet those needs enough that you can receive back. If you can't, it can be hell for everyone - including, and perhaps especially, the baby.

How did you meet the baby's father, and were you together very long? How serious was it?

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout Sun 01-Dec-13 11:09:11

Oh god I feel sorry for this baby.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 01-Dec-13 11:19:18

OP you sound incredibly immature. You really need to think about whether you are ready and capable of being a parent before your pregnancy progresses any further.

That is very good advice from Alibaba.

And so is this from Perfect:

I think you need to see your GP and talk to them honestly about your situation. 9 weeks is very early and if you don't feel you can cope as a single mother to a newborn (and bluntly, I don't think I could without support from friends/family either - even then, it would be a struggle) then you could terminate relatively easily

You should stop obsessing with HIM and go no contact. He now has nothing to do with this. Get yourself to GP or Brook Advisory.

Sallyingforth Sun 01-Dec-13 11:19:54

OP you need to forget all about this man. He has already made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby and that means not with you either. He has already had all that he wanted from you. You are only teasing yourself by maintaining direct contact with him.
Your priorities now are only for you and your baby. If you want to keep the baby you must make sure that its father pays his share of its upbringing (if he can't pay now he probably will be able to in future years). If you can't keep the baby then you need to take advice on termination very soon. Good luck!

fifi669 Sun 01-Dec-13 11:20:48

In all honesty looking ahead I think a newborn is the least of your issues. You will need support given your black outs etc, and also given your apparent immaturity. Find out if enough is available to you before you make any decisions. You can put a baby down but good help you when they're a toddler this will be a challenging time for you! That really is repetitive, relentless and frustrating. They'll be into everything, you need 8 arms, the patience of a saint and eyes in the back of your head.

See the big picture. With the help that's offered will you be able to cope at every stage? Don't include any of his family in your plans, you don't know how they'll be involved. If you can't cope, you may have to consider either ending the pregnancy or having the child adopted. Being pretty anti abortion I don't say these things lightly.

flippinada Sun 01-Dec-13 11:22:50

What a sad situation.

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned this (or maybe they have and I've missed it) but I'm wondering if there's an age difference here?

I agree, unfortunately, that he clearly doesn't want the baby and has no intention of supporting you so you really need to concentrate on yourself and your baby, if you want to continue with the pregnancy.

LEMisafucker Sun 01-Dec-13 11:23:24

This was me 23 years ago - i was 19 and pregnant by a short term boyfriend, we had pretty much gone our separate ways before i found out i was pregnant. He absolutely didn't want to know and i couldn't understand how he could just not have anything to do with his baby. I tried to take DD to see him when she was born but his parents called the police blushangry All i did was knock on their door. Anyway, thats the past - I do rather regret i didn't keep my dignity and maintain no contact but its not a big deal.

Heres the thing - No contact was 100% the right thing to do, no being let down on visits, no missing an absent parent - my DD asked about him once, when she was 15, it is no loss to her.

You need to decide if you want this baby, as a single parent because he is NOT going to change his mind. Time is not on your side, how pregnant are you? FWIW having my DD1 as a single parent was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me. I had very supportive parents, it was hard, but worth it.

OddFodd Sun 01-Dec-13 11:32:47

But LEM, as you said, you had very supportive parents (as do I). But the OP isn't in that situation. She says she has no one and has serious health issues. It's not a great situation sad

PesterPower Sun 01-Dec-13 11:49:21

OP - you do need to think very hard about what you could offer this baby to be honest.

And you need to accept that the baby will NOT keep a link between you two if he doesn't want it to.

LithaR Sun 01-Dec-13 12:06:06

You have my sympathies op. Having been through similar myself with a long distance partner. He cut all contact and i tried to get closure for myself. I also have seizures and other disabilities. If you decide to continue accept all the help places like sure start offer. Talk to your midwife about your worries.

with me my midwife said worrying is a sign of caring. You will be a great mother and you don't need a man to help. Even with blackouts it's possible with sure start and ss support. Hope things get better for you op thanks

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 12:13:20

LEM, really supportive parents are the crux here. OP says she has no friends or family at all, has serious health issues involving catheterisation at times and blackouts.

In all honesty, though nothing is ever certain, I can't see this ending well for her or for the baby. I do think she needs to be brutally honest with herself about what she can cope with, what resources are there for her, and what she wants in her future and what sort of future she can provide for her child if she does go ahead with the pregnancy.

LithaR Sun 01-Dec-13 12:13:40

Also remember they don't stay newborns. My ds is my world and makes it all worth it.

zatyaballerina Sun 01-Dec-13 12:28:10

He doesn't want to have a baby with you, he doesn't want you in his life and a baby will mean that you're lives will be permanently entwined. He'll reject the baby and will resent paying support (assuming he will).

He's entitled to be pissed at you for forcing fatherhood on him. What's so wonderful for him about having an ex he doesn't like having his baby that she can't properly take care of by herself and taking a huge chunk of his income every month?

Women are lucky that having an accident resulting in pregnancy doesn't have to result in forced parenthood with someone they dislike and huge loss of earnings. You have options; abortion or parenthood. He hopes you pick the first because he doesn't want to be part of the second, something he is entitled to feel. If you are going to pick the second, leave him out of it.

veee123 Sun 01-Dec-13 12:38:37

You sound very immature. Both of you. I feel sorry for this child. I hope it makes you grow up.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 12:39:57

I can't imagine why you would go ahead with this pregnancy to be honest.
You can't cope alone practically or financially.
He doesn't want you or the baby.
You are in poor health.
Your only recourse is benefits.

You simply don't sound mature enough to take this on and your main concern appears to be game playing.

I think your priority should be whether continuing with this pregnancy is responsible at all.

LEMisafucker Sun 01-Dec-13 12:43:52

Perfect storm you are absolutely right

Alone - you need to focus on the things you can control/influence, and forget about trying to get some sort of response from this man.

Firstly, you need to see a midwife and your GP, and have a long and honest chat with them about your health, and what can be done to improve it so that you could, if you so chose, care for your baby safely, on your own.

Then you need to decide whether you are capable emotionally, physically and practically, of going through with the pregnancy and raising this child on your own. Assume that, whatever you decide, you will be doing it without support or input from him and his family - don't go ahead with things on the basis of hoping that he or his family will help out. If you go ahead with the pregnancy, and he or his family decide to contact you and be involved, that will be a bonus - but from what you have said about him, I do NOT think you should be depending on any help from him whatsoever.

Then I think you send this man one simple message, telling him either that you are having a termination, or that you have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and then leave it at that. If he then decides to contact you, and be involved, that will be a bonus - but if he doesn't, you will already have planned things so that you can cope without him - you won't be waiting for his responses, or relying on help from him.

Caitlin17 Sun 01-Dec-13 12:50:56

zatya no, he is not "entitled" to resent having fatherhood enforced on him. He may well think that way but the only sure way of avoiding becoming a father is either celibacy or the snip. If he wants to have sex then he has to accept children might be a consequence.

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 12:59:22

The reality is that fatherhood can't be enforced on anyone - that's the huge difference between men and women.

Men can be forced to pay a relatively small chunk of income every month. That's it. It doesn't even touch the sides of the true costs unless they're earning substantially ahead of the national average, though as it currently tops up benefits (not sure how long the current administration will allow that last-gasp Labour innovation to last, tbh) and it has absolutely nothing to do with the actual work of childrearing, which is all-encompassing and 24/7 for the first five years. I'm always a bit confused when people try to compare pregnancy, birth and then 20 years of childcare with a salary deduction. They simply aren't equivalent, and while that's just nature - a woman can only walk away from her child by terminating, or later on by adoption; a man can refuse all contact and let the CSA deduct the cash - it's also the facts.

And why should a child be deprived of that money, when already deprived of a dad? Why prioritise his needs to spend that cash, which has been calculated as from discretionary spending, rather than his child's need to have it? It's not the woman's money either. It's the child's.

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 13:00:47

Sorry, should read ^ though as it currently tops up benefits (not sure how long the current administration will allow that last-gasp Labour innovation to last, tbh) it improves the lives of poorer and better off kids alike,^

fancyanotherfez Sun 01-Dec-13 13:17:20

I was also wondering if this is an age gap relationship. OP, wanting to have children one day and being willing to be a father as a result of a one night stand with someone you don't know and don't want anything to do with is quite another.
Also, the fact that he has a large and supportive family who loves their grandchildren doesn't mean they will welcome your baby with open arms. Especially if he tells them you are some nut job who trapped him into getting you pregnant and he's not even sure the baby is his. He is telling you this, so it is likely that he is telling his family this too. He doesn't want you or your baby. He has made up his mind. He is not procrastinating or saying he is not sure.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 13:31:47

I think the OP and the situation she describes simply give ammunition to those who resent benefits being used to help the Irresponsible.
I believe totally in the use of a fair and reasonable system to help those who need it and am appalled by the current treatment of the sick and vulnerable. However I don't think this situation warrants bringing a baby into the world that its father doesn't want, and its mother is too immature to cope with, can't support and is already using as a weapon.

lougle Sun 01-Dec-13 13:35:09

aloneforsure I've read all your posts and I'm trying to work out whether you don't speak English as your first language, you have some mild learning difficulties of some sort (please don't be insulted - my DD has LD) or are just typing abbreviated messages? Whichever it is, you haven't been very clear what your thoughts are.

I think this man has confused you because you know that he has told you he 'wanted children one day' and here you are, with a child that is 'his' and he doesn't want it. The trouble is, he's making it clear that he wants a child one day, with a woman; not this child, not now, not with you.

You need to look at the following:

1. Do you want to carry on with this pregnancy? You're 9 weeks now, any plans for termination will take at least 3 weeks to sort out and your options diminish rapidly thereafter.

2. Is your medical condition defined? Do you know why you black out? Are any medications compatible with pregnancy? Are you at risk of having birth complications?

3. Can you provide a stable life for a child? If not, have you considered adoption, etc?

4. What do you want?

You can't push this man to keep contact with you. He doesn't want to know.

fifi669 Sun 01-Dec-13 13:46:41

Think he is entitled to feel resentful in all honesty. They both had unprotected sex, she says he'd said about the morning after pill. Now someone he doesn't want to be with holds in her hands whether or not he becomes a dad (in the biological sense anyway). It must suck having no say. It is the woman's body and she does have the choice though, doesn't make it any fairer on a man. If a woman doesn't want the baby after careless behaviour, she has an abortion, a man doesn't have that option.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 13:55:30

I think fifi has a point. They've both had Irresponsible unprotected sex. He did mention the morning after pill and she took no notice.
I don't see why wider society should have to pick up the results of her continuing with the pregnancy and my concern is for the poor child being saddled with immaturity, irresponsibility and no family support network.

fancyanotherfez Sun 01-Dec-13 13:59:11

Also, if he's having unprotected sex, have you had yourself checked out for STD's? They could well be harmful to the baby.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 14:09:59

You knew you probably wouldn't have a job after Christmas and you still put yourself at risk of pregnancy?

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 01-Dec-13 14:12:48

A man does have a say though fifi. He can choose not to have unprotected sex in the first place. He will have been well aware that by choosing not to use protection that it is quite likely the result of that will be a baby. Of course he does'nt have a say after conception since we all have autonomy over our own bodies. That's just biology.

flippinada Sun 01-Dec-13 14:17:54

The reason I mentioned the age gap is because I'm wondering if the op is a lot younger than the man involved - that's the impression I get from her posts - of course I may be wrong

LithaR Sun 01-Dec-13 14:44:28

What is it with people saying she should get rid because of the ops disabilities. I have disabilities and probably take better care of my son than some normal people.

My cousin with cerebral palsy is having a baby, i suppose some posters here would wish her to be sterilised. How barbaric that people think disabled people shouldn't breed.

The op needs support on moving on without her ex, not condemnation for being disabled. How cruel people have become.

Litha, the difference is the OP is saying she defintiely can't cope on her own and has a response as to why any suggestion won't work. Which suggests to me she won't cope and she and the baby will have a miserable life. For people in general, whether disability or not, I wish them luck and if they think the baby will be loved and they will cope with being a parent then I believe their child will be one of the lucky ones.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 14:55:09

Any disability she has has sod all to do with it and I think the suggestion that it has is grossly offensive. I'm concerned that she's demonstrating total irresponsibility and an expectation that others will pick up the slack and that the baby is coming into a miserable life and is already being used as a pawn.

Sallyingforth Sun 01-Dec-13 15:11:34

Yes sooty. The prime consideration here should be for the baby. It would be most unfair so it to suffer due to the irresponsible behaviour of both parents.

ShinyBauble Sun 01-Dec-13 15:34:53

Really, he lectured you about the morning after pill? He should have lectured himself on the use of condoms, what a saddo.

Stop listening to gossip. It will all be unpleasant. Don't allow his 'friends' spiteful gossip pressurise you into keeping the baby just to prove it's real. They'll start out with 'they only had unprotected sex, she can't be pregnant!' then move on to saying he's not the father, then if that get's proved there will be a lot of whinging about custody and support. We've all watched Jeremy Kyle and the likes, we know the drill! You will not get any heart-felt apologies from that type.

The fact is, it sounds like he is going to be thoroughly unpleasant whatever happens - so forget him. Report him to the CSA if you have the baby and hopefully he will be made to contribute financially if nothing else, but you really need to think about what YOU want. No what-ifs. You can't count on his family to step up. You need to look at reality as it is now. Do you think you could cope? That is the only thing you should be giving serious thought to right now.

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 15:35:55

Litha, disability by itself isn't an issue. Disability in someone without any friends or family as support, who can't understand what a man who wants no contact at all with her wants for their future as co-parents because he said he wanted kids one day and here she is, pregnant... that isn't analogous to your past situation.

She has obviously got various emotional, physical and financial issues she very much needs and deserves support with, but while she is working on those issues, I don't honestly think she will have the resources needed for parenting. There's no money, no family or friendship network to offer support, emotional difficulties, boundary difficulties and physical disability. Focusing in on any one area while not treating them all as interconnected IMO does her a disservice. She's her, not any other poster, and her situation is the one being talked about. Clearly the choice must be hers, and she alone can make it, but pretending most issues don't exist because you identify with one and found it really manageable dealing with that one doesn't IMO help her.

OP, I hope you're doing okay. This must be hellish, please don't think we don't know that.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 15:47:43

Really, he lectured you about the morning after pill? He should have lectured himself on the use of condoms, what a saddo

Their actions were equally irresponsible. She didn't have to have sex without a condom did she?

ccsays Sun 01-Dec-13 15:48:18

For all those saying the OP had unprotected sex and was irresponsible, has she actually said that anywhere in the thread or is that just being presumed? Contraception can fail you know hmm

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 15:53:29

ive been sick in hospital, so we ahem made up for things when i felt well enough

It hasn't been made clear whether it was unprotected sex, I agree, but it sounds as though neither of them gave much thought to the consequences. The responsibility is a joint one.

gobbynorthernbird Sun 01-Dec-13 15:55:13

This thread makes me terribly sad.

fluffyraggies Sun 01-Dec-13 15:59:06

- Both parties are equally responsible for a pregnancy resulting from unprotected sex*.

- Once pregnant however, it's the woman's choice weather to go ahead and have the child.

- If the woman wants to go ahead then the father has financial responsibility towards that child for 18 years.

These ^ ^ three simple facts are things men/boys need to understand. They are what i would be drumming into my sons if i had any ... rather than all this ''evil, manipulative women'' stuff hmm

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 16:05:35

Yes, it's the woman's choice regading whether to go ahead.

Yes, the man is financially responsible.

But meanwhile, in cases like this a baby who was unplanned and seemingly unwanted is at risk of being born to a mother who doesn't have the financial, physical and emotional resources to cope. She has already said SS might be involved.

The biggest loser here is potentially the child.

whois Sun 01-Dec-13 16:15:46

The biggest loser here is potentially the child


I wish more people would think more about their responsibility to the unborn child than of their own right to have a baby.

This situation is not a good one. For anyone.

fluffyraggies Sun 01-Dec-13 16:32:40

You're right sooty.

My own post ducked out of what the OP should actually do now, and was a gut reaction to the posts musing about responsibility.

Once the baby is a reality (and it already is) then the child must be the focus of course. Not who is at fault.

My advice to OP right now would be to look past the issue of what he wants or doesn't want. (I think it will all be negative from him anyway.)

As posters have said this is between you and the baby now. Take some time and think it through. Seek some support in RL.

flowers OP

LithaR Sun 01-Dec-13 16:52:34

Perfect storm my situation was almost identical. My ex always wanted kids and did nothing to prevent them with me. After the fact he pestered me for an abortion up till the 25th week and i said no. He then cut off contact altogether.

i had no family support and almost died giving birth but i don't regret having him. Even with my disabilities

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 17:25:09

Yeah, I made the mistake of reading the commentary and not rereading the OP - she clearly implies they talked about having kids together one day and states that it was a relationship, not a one-night-stand. And he mentioned the morning after pill when she told him she was pregnant, not when she could actually have taken it, I think. So people aren't actually being fair to her, me included. Sounds as if he broke up with her when she told him she was pregnant, after a relationship that involved her getting to know his friends and family. That's not a fling, and he's not looking very impressive for refusing to even talk to her, is he.

I suppose it comes down to what sort of inner resources you have, and only the OP can know the answer to that one. Personally I don't think I would cope well at all with being a single parent, but others thrive. It's an individual answer.

Horrendously tough choice, really.

SilverApples Sun 01-Dec-13 17:42:49

Exactly what Ilovesooty said;

'But meanwhile, in cases like this a baby who was unplanned and seemingly unwanted is at risk of being born to a mother who doesn't have the financial, physical and emotional resources to cope. She has already said SS might be involved.
The biggest loser here is potentially the child.'

OP, there are very few resources out there to support you, and what is available is being cut back viciously. The father doesn't want to be involved, so anything you get is going to have to be dragged out unwillingly from him.
Please think about you, and the baby and if you do continue with the pregnancy, face it as a one-woman band.

ShinyBauble Sun 01-Dec-13 17:51:26

"Their actions were equally irresponsible. She didn't have to have sex without a condom did she?" And she got her lecture didn't she sooty? Where was his?

SuperStrength Sun 01-Dec-13 18:07:14

Talking about having a baby one day is very very different to actually agreeing to having a baby.

The OP needs to realise that whilst his extended family are supportive of their existing family members (grand children, nieces,nephews etc) it CANNOT be assumed that this support will be extended to her & her child should she wish to continue with the pregnancy against his wishes.

Yes they are both responsible for the pregnancy, but only OP has the final decision on whether to become a parent or not.

I hope my sons are able to CHOOSE when to become parents. His mum may feel the same as me.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 18:18:23

And she got her lecture didn't she sooty?

So she says. We don't know what was actually said.

Where was his?

We also don't know what she said to him.

I don't think I'm unreasonable in saying they have both behaved as irresponsibly as one another.

Caitlin17 Sun 01-Dec-13 18:51:47

Bohemiangirl that was a nasty, mean spirited comment. I always told my son that if has sex he gets a girl pregnant, he shares responsibility with her. Full stop.

To the OP, I feel very sorry for you. No one on here can make a decision for you but you must be clear you need the strength to cope on your own.

Go and see a Brook counsellor, it doesn't mean you're committing to an abortion and they can point you in the direction of organisations who can help if you decide to continue.

Do you live in a city which has any sort of drop in Well Women or Benefits advice centre? You need professional advice. Do you have any current health or social services contacts?

perfectstorm Mon 02-Dec-13 12:13:37

Yes they are both responsible for the pregnancy, but only OP has the final decision on whether to become a parent or not.

I think that's a bit of a myth. Men can choose to opt out completely if they like, too. They just can't opt a chunk of their bank accounts out.

perfectstorm Mon 02-Dec-13 12:15:35

Go and see a Brook counsellor, it doesn't mean you're committing to an abortion and they can point you in the direction of organisations who can help if you decide to continue.

Agree. Also think you could contact the local authority and ask about your likely placement on housing priority lists, given your health situation, your vulnerability as a single parent and so on. Info is always helpful when making choices, and the chances you'll be housed vary so much by area.

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