To not buy my mother this present?

(46 Posts)
Mosschops30 Sat 30-Nov-13 22:49:24

She does this a lot, particularly Mother's Day where she texts me 'you can buy me Chanel body lotion for mothers day'

Now this Xmas she has said 'you can buy me one of those for Xmas' after spying my Thomas Sabo bracelet.
She's coming to stay Xmas week, I have bought her a small gift but certainly didn't expect to spend another £60
I'm not expecting a pressie from her, and if I did it would be something little

AIBU to suggest she gets this for herself for Xmas and buys me nothing?

WaffilyVersatile Sat 30-Nov-13 22:51:39

Yes YABU. You should say nothing and buy what YOU want to buy for her!

Brookville Sat 30-Nov-13 22:53:10

Something has obviously irked you! Is it the casual, dare I say greedy and presumptuous, way she asks for a gift rather than looking forward to a surprise element or indeed having a little humility? Maybe you should have a frank discussion about expectations for Christmas gifts as in, how much you spend on each other, whether you each draw up a list in advance etc. That way no noses will be put out of joint. Good luck. Best not to fall out or feel sore about it if you can help it...

Mosschops30 Sat 30-Nov-13 22:59:52

I think it annoys me that she's so presumptuous about how much I can spend.
I wouldn't dream of saying 'you can buy me that for Xmas' to anyone.
If someone asks you give a few ideas so they can choose and budget

Workberk Sat 30-Nov-13 23:02:53

Are you minted? Do you ask for gift suggestions a lot?

Just trying to work out why she would be so presumptuous!

I don't think your suggestion is the right answer though. I'd just ignore her message about the bracelet full stop. Feign ignorance if she brings it up, or say "oh I thought you were joking!".

Mosschops30 Sat 30-Nov-13 23:09:38

No I'm not minted.
I don't ask her for gifts, I'm nearly 40 I don't expect presents from my mum!

She is always like this, has been for years.
When she asked for the bracelet I jokingly said 'what are you buying me for Xmas' and she said 'oh I thought my presence would be enough, why what do you want'

She doesn't tend to do gifts, even for the dcs it's always 'I'll put some money in your bank, can you get them something and put my name on it'

AnnieJanuary Sat 30-Nov-13 23:13:18

My mum's like this. She used to use nice brands but then she decided she 'didn't like' work so simply quit and no they're skint, and what they do have she smokes/drinks away. Come Christmas, she gets everyone's presents from Home Bargains and Aldi - tubs of Haribo, cheap chocolate and stuff - but demands I get her Clinique, Clarins and Jo Malone.

Hm. No.

Workberk Sat 30-Nov-13 23:19:10

No I meant do you ask her to make suggestions to you on what you could buy her ie is she trying to be helpful...

Doesn't sound like it though.

I would ignore and just get her whatever you otherwise would.

Btw I'm not too far off 40 but would be a bit hurt if my mum didn't get me any kind of gift for birthday or Christmas without a reason.

Retroformica Sat 30-Nov-13 23:20:37

Tell her sorry you already gave her gift but also couldn't afford it

HansieMom Sat 30-Nov-13 23:20:43

Moss, does she indeed put the money in your account, for her presents to her GC?

AgentZigzag Sat 30-Nov-13 23:21:35

If she's always been like this what is it that's stopped you ignoring her? Other family members and what they'd say? Does she ratchet the pressure up if you don't, sulking/tantruming/telling all and sundry about it?

Because you sound like you're feeling that pressure and think you should get her it, please say you won't!

She's cheeky and trying it on has got her what she'd like in the past so why would she stop? Maybe she thinks people see it as an acceptably eccentric part of her and think fondly of it?

It's OK to accept it as part of her and then ignore it completely.

Mosschops30 Sat 30-Nov-13 23:28:03

Yes always money in account, I can't remember the last time she bought a gift and wrapped it for me or dc.

I've had a shit year and need to start taking some control, I do not want to buy this for her, if she wants it she can buy it, I will happily go without a gift because I don't need anything.

Yes she sulks quite a bit

Only1scoop Sat 30-Nov-13 23:31:56

You are totally not bu Op. Stick to your plan.

Bettercallsaul1 Sat 30-Nov-13 23:32:23

When she asked for the bracelet I jokingly said "What are you buying me for Xmas?" and she said "Oh I thought my presence would be enough..."

Ask her why she gets presents while you only get presence!

greentshirt Sat 30-Nov-13 23:32:33

My sister does this all the time, I usually just get her a voucher from somewhere she can buy said item and say 'you can put that towards it'

Mosschops30 Sat 30-Nov-13 23:34:29

Green that's a good idea

AgentZigzag Sat 30-Nov-13 23:35:35

The way you've written your post, it's like you're desperately trying to resist this but feel you can't.

'I do not want to buy this for her' instead of 'there's no way I'm buying this for her'.

Even finding a way she can have what she wants by suggesting she gets it herself! She knows this already.

It's almost a little bit sinister, like you really feel you have no control over yourself when it comes to her and her needs (a bit OTT probably, but it's what I'm thinking reading what you've written).

Mosschops30 Sat 30-Nov-13 23:39:20

Don't feel like I have much control over anything at the moment hmm

She is good at times, has lent me money when I've been stuck, which has been paid back in full.

But she has this awful sense of entitlement which drives me crazy!
She's very very selfish although would strongly deny it

BlueLagoonz Sun 01-Dec-13 00:51:33

Moss I have exactly the same issue with one of my parents. They live in a massive house with 5 bedrooms full to the brim with unopened presents and still expect huge ones at Christmas. I've had a crap year too and got a massive stressful year coming so don't need the expense or drama. I've been asking for 2 months, well what do you want and they haven't come up with anything as they have everything. Instead of saying, don't buy anything as I have lots, I am being told, I am still thinking about what you can buy me, it's so difficult hmm

DH and I do not buy each other anything because by the time we have bought everyone else presents there is no money left.

mirivy Sun 01-Dec-13 09:09:59

Are you an only child? One way might be to arrange a family Secret Santa so that each person buys a fairly hefty gift for one person in the extended family only, and nothing else. It's saved us all receiving a load of unwanted tat for Christmas (including such memorable items as garlic bread serving dishes) and means that we can get through the season without the stress and accompanying threat of bankruptcy. If anyone wants to give other gifts then they have to be homemade. We also give gifts to each child in the family, of course.
I know it's not the perfect solution for every family, but I think, especially in cases where there is a significant difference in income or number of people to buy for, it's a lot more likely to make the whole event enjoyable for everyone.

daisychain01 Sun 01-Dec-13 09:22:18

Could you give her a cheque for the amount you can afford and say "here's a contribution towards the bracelet you like, enjoy!"

That's really taking control. What can she do? Worst thing would be to sulk/have a strop or not buy you anything. Fine, her choice. But it could be a starting point for the way you want things to be in the future, the new you in 2014!

I can't believe how badly behaved she is! What I mean is, I believe you, but she sounds unpleasant - sorry to say that about your mum sad

Mosschops30 Sun 01-Dec-13 09:58:06

Am only child so secret Santa no good.
I think I'm going to get a gift card for the shop for about £20.
Although she goes home on 27th and won't be amused if I can't get her to the shop

diaimchlo Sun 01-Dec-13 10:02:53

YADNBU.... People who tell you what to buy them for presents are actually presuming that you think that they deserve one and reading your posts I don't think your um does TBH.

ZillionChocolate Sun 01-Dec-13 10:14:52

You've already bought her a gift. Did you intend to get her another? If not, then don't!

expatinscotland Sun 01-Dec-13 10:20:52

Tell her! Mum, I can't afford to spend £60 on that.'

AuditAngel Sun 01-Dec-13 10:30:22

It's really hard when people have unrealistic expectations and demands.

If you have already bought a gift, don't get her anything else. If her presence is enough, you taking her to the shop for her to buy the bracelet herself seems very fair to me.

Take a deep breath, and if she sulks or tantrums, give her the same treatment your DC would receive.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 01-Dec-13 10:34:08

You've already bought her a small gift.

I don't see the problem here?

Don't buy her anything else, don't mention anything about the bracelet, just give her the gift you've already bought her.

Mosschops30 Sun 01-Dec-13 10:40:03

She will be very unamused if I don't get it and will feel no shame in saying 'oh I'm disappointed you didn't buy me the bracelet I wanted'

Every year when I go on holiday I always buy her a small gift and every year without fail she exclaims that she would've preferred one of the other gifts. This year I bought her a bracelet and a key ring, I bought myself a wooden Buddha and after seeing mine she said 'oh I would've liked that' despite having made her preference for jewellery before I left

WhoNickedMyName Sun 01-Dec-13 10:42:55

And I would reply "we'll I'm disappointed you've never put any thought into buying me a gift in xx years, but hey ho life's a bitch and we don't always get what we want".

Or the mumsnet classic "wow, did you mean to be so fucking rude --you old bat--".

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 01-Dec-13 10:43:17

Your area of control is what you get for your Mum and you are not unreasonable to give her a small gift (or nothing, if you're not expecting something from her).

Where you're being unreasonable is to interpret hwr comment as an advanced directive. Maybe it was a joke. Or she was teasing you? Try teaaing her back and say 'Yes, I'd love to. In an ideal world I'd get gifts like that for you and all my friends. Maybe when I'm the boss of my own empire!'

expatinscotland Sun 01-Dec-13 10:44:40

Oh, seriously, mossy, fuck her! When she tells you she is disappointed, tell her you are disappointed she fails to understand your tight financial situation.

Mosschops30 Sun 01-Dec-13 10:48:14

Strictly speaking my financial situation is ok and I think she imagines £60 is nothing.
But I'm on my own with 3 dcs, need a new tumble and new dishwasher not to waste £60 on my mother.
£60 on dcs yes but u can't imagine spending this on another adult unless it was a friends special birthday

Bunbaker Sun 01-Dec-13 10:50:25

"I'm nearly 40 I don't expect presents from my mum!"

What has age got to do with it? OH and SIL are in their sixties. MIL still buys presents for them, and me (I'm 55). It is more to do with the type of person they are rather than age I'm afraid.

I am sorry your mum sounds so grabby. I agree with the idea of buying a gift voucher at your price range, for the shop where she wants something from.

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 01-Dec-13 10:51:54

Cross posted there. She does seem pretty rude about it. If she complains about the small Christmas gift you have chosen for her this year, you could say that perhaps it would be best if you stopped buying her gifts as she hasn't given you anything for years, and it might make meeting up happier occasions if the focus was on enjoying each other's company. (And you thought the pleasure of your company, your cooking and a visit to your home would be a gift in itself.)

ZillionChocolate Sun 01-Dec-13 10:54:03

If £60 is nothing then she can buy her own bracelet.

If she says she's disappointed, I'd suggest that you stop giving each other gifts and she can save the money she would have spent on you buying whatever she'd most like. The fact that she wants more than she's giving is her own problem.

Mosschops30 Sun 01-Dec-13 10:54:22

What I mean is at my age I'm not that bothered about presents, if I want something I usually buy it.
It's nice to recieve something special or something that's been bought with some thought, but it has nothing to do with price or demanding.
One of the best gifts I've received this year was a £1 diamond ring from Claire's accessories off a friend to remind me that I can shine smile

ZillionChocolate Sun 01-Dec-13 10:56:06

If you were insistent on spending more on her, I'd see if you could get a similar bracelet for less on eBay. She wants yours because it looks nice, not because if the brand/price surely?

Madmammy83 Sun 01-Dec-13 19:10:06

She sounds like she has an enormous sense of entitlement, I would NOT entertain that. If you've bought her a gift, give it to her. If she "Oh but I said I wanted a bracelet" say "I had already bought you this, I can not afford a bracelet." End of. Fuck her.

I speak as the daughter of someone who has asked how much we "made" on our wedding day and then went on about a bill, who turned up for another family occasion at a hotel and pretended she had booked a room but hadn't, then pretended she'd forgotten her credit card so I had to pay, and someone who turns up on family allowance day and complains about her lack of petrol.

Mosschops30 Sun 01-Dec-13 19:15:43

Oh dear madmammy they sound very similar.
My mother 'treated' me to a break in Ireland only to get me to pay the bill on my card and then promptly forgot about it.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Sun 01-Dec-13 19:16:03

Stick with the gift you've got, if she says anything on Christmas Day, just snort and say 'oh I didn't think you were actually being serious'

My mum always say's 'Baubles don't get me nuffin, I want fer nowt' (double negative aside, she genuinely doesn't want me to get her anything but I do anyway)

Dawndonnaagain Sun 01-Dec-13 20:17:24

She will be very unamused if I don't get it and will feel no shame in saying 'oh I'm disappointed you didn't buy me the bracelet I wanted'

Would you put up with this from a friend? If not, there is no reason why you should put up with it from anyone else, that includes the mother you didn't choose!

DontmindifIdo Sun 01-Dec-13 20:26:19

Whatever you do, don't buy it now! On Christmas when she's said something say with you biggest smile "oh, the bracelet you suggested? I'd already bought your gift."

Don't get it, and everytime from now on she asks for something, you instantly reply "oh, I've already bought you your gift."

Stop buying gifts when you go away - "It wasn't the sort of holiday when you go shopping."

Stop rewarding her shitty behaviour. It's shitty behaviour, you just are used to it so you put up with it.

paxtecum Sun 01-Dec-13 20:28:51

Moss: Does she contribute any money towards food when she stays at Xmas?

Lilacroses Sun 01-Dec-13 20:32:04

That is so cheeky and selfish of her. It would get right up my nose and there is no way I would acquiese to that sort of demand.

Mosschops30 Sun 01-Dec-13 20:38:25

No she won't contribute, she will buy the odd takeaway.
She will buy wine because she can't go 2 days without a drink
When I visit her she gets me to cook a meal whilst I'm there.
She is terribly lazy.

However she is very good at having dcs, will come and stay and 'look after' them. Although this involves her watching tv of her choice whilst the dcs play

Madmammy83 Mon 02-Dec-13 11:32:46

Mosschops I hear ya! My mother won't even have my eldest unless I give her money!! I've always been envious of people who have the type of parents who step in and help with the grandchildren, mine has made it quite clear that she will not babysit unless it's on her terms and she is being reimbursed in some way.

Please don't buy the bracelet. Please!

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