Who, if anyone was unreasonable here please?

(40 Posts)
sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 14:10:39

I went to drop dc at their Dads new flat today. He invited me to see it and drop kids off etc. He showed us round and then into the garden raving about the built in BBQ and Pizza oven. They were at the end of the garden and he pointed them out so I went to have a look. I was half way down the garden when I heard him say "no kids don't walk on the grass, it's muddy". I was almost by the BBQ so carried on, he made a snide comment to the dc along the lines of "well Mum has gone on it so I suppose I will have to let you too". I kind of raised my eyebrows but left it there. Anyway came back to the flat (it's a shared garden) and wiped my feet thoroughly on the TWO mats both inside and out as I went in.

Once inside he told me to go out to my car to get something dd was moaning about, I said no as I was leaving shortly and would get it then, at this he told me I was the worst and rudest house guest ever shock grinand to get out and that I would never be welcome there again then launched into a rant about how rude I had been to continue up the garden after he had told me not to. I told him that I had fully intended to take my shoes off once I got back but after wiping my feet thoroughly on TWO mats one after the other and as I was about to leave had not done so. Again told I was a terrible houseguest, worst he'd ever known apparently and asked to leave, which I did. All this was done in front of my wide eyed children by the way.

So thoughts please? We are usually on fairly amicable terms as long as I mind my P's&Q's just to give some background.

MammaTJ Sat 30-Nov-13 14:12:26

These things just serve as a reminder as to why the word EX is being used here!!


DropYourSword Sat 30-Nov-13 14:14:09

He's being fucking ridiculous!

scaevola Sat 30-Nov-13 14:14:37

I think you were wrong to walk on the muddy grass after he'd asked DC not to; you should have backed him up and got everyone (including yourself) off it.

He however was BU in bringing it up repeatedly. And he was also wrong to criticise you for declining to make two trips to the car (assuming 'shortly' really wasn't long and DD is old enought to wait a bit).

DrivingToDistraction Sat 30-Nov-13 14:14:42

He sounds like a twat. He couldn't piss on you to prove you were on his territory so he had to do it like that instead. Just picture him as a jumped-up Yorkshire terrier barking at people from a bay window to warn passers-by not to come too close!

He's a twat and a massive wanker for speaking to you like that in front of your children.

Finola1step Sat 30-Nov-13 14:16:16

And I think we can all see why he is your ex!

HIBU. But you will get nowhere if you challenge it. Shrug it off and continue as normal. I do get the feeling that perhaps you weren't cooing and aahing enough at his new place.

BTW I too prefer for visitors to remove outdoor shoes. But I never insist and never take it personally if they don't.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 30-Nov-13 14:16:18

Why show you into the garden and get pissed because you go into the garden?

AngiBolen Sat 30-Nov-13 14:16:27

Does he have brand new cream carpets?

Pizza oven at the end of a shared garden? For some reason this had made me laugh. grin

BackforGood Sat 30-Nov-13 14:19:18

Love the fact MNers all jump on the side of the woman!

Imagine what the replies would be if OP had said She'd got a new flat and was proudly showing it off, then her ex-dh walked in the mud when there was a perfectly good path going down the garden.......

sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 14:24:04

There wasn't a path backforgood confused, if there was I would have been on it! It wasn't even that muddy. No carpets aren't new and the stairs from the garden were filthy!

sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 14:25:09

Oh and I would have had zero issue with being asked to remove my shoes.

BackforGood OP didn't mention a path, where did you get that from?

rabbitlady Sat 30-Nov-13 14:25:42

my thoughts. he's a prat.

sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 14:26:46

Oh and was very careful to ensure my dc wiped their feet as they came in too to show back up.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 30-Nov-13 14:27:52

Well that was a nice reminder of why he's an ex if nothing else.

What a massive knob.

frogspoon Sat 30-Nov-13 14:28:14

You were both being unreasonable.

You were unreasonable for carrying on walking on the muddy grass when he had asked you not to.

He was unreasonable for speaking to you that way, especially in front of your DCs.

AngiBolen Sat 30-Nov-13 14:29:54

I think what's happened here is you didn't get excited over the pizza oven, and he's become offended.

sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 14:30:49

But frogspoon I was literally two more steps from The Shared Pizza Oven, I just didn't see the point of sprinting back down the garden without even looking at this unique selling point that he hadn't stopped mentioning since he let us in!

BackforGood Sat 30-Nov-13 14:34:44

Sorry - I inferred it from the fact he wanted to show you something at the bottom of the garden but didn't want you to walk on the mud/grass - it's just what I pictured. Apologies (re path - point still stands though)

MajesticWhine Sat 30-Nov-13 14:36:17

OP, you asked if anyone was being unreasonable - and now you don't like the answer?

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 30-Nov-13 14:47:44

He was bu to berate you in front of your dcs.

sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 14:55:33

confused Is it not liking the answer to clarify the situation then?

Points are being made and I am discussing them. Which is fine imo.

DropYourSword Sat 30-Nov-13 15:00:03

To be fair though to Sparkly, he didn't ask HER not to, he asked the kids not to. Adults can keep their shoes cleaner and wipe them properly. He sounds like he was just enjoying power tripping!

sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 15:42:12

I didn't even hear him ask the kids not to and he certainly didn't ask me not to. Just made the snide comment when I was almost there.

sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 15:46:07

Didn't hear him ask the kids not to till i was almost there I meant, I thought they were traipsing down the garden behind me grin, turned and was alone by the pizza oven.

ghostonthecanvas Sat 30-Nov-13 15:52:02

From original post, op was halfway down the garden when kids were asked not to go on the muddy grass. Why did he want the oven admired if the only way to get there was to walk on the grass. What did he expect op to do? Hover? Ffs.
He sounds like an arse and he set you up. When that wasn't enough he went ott in the house.
His house where he wants you to continue to mind your ps&qs. Don't go in again.

Why would he rave about a feature, point it out when you were standing in the garden, and not expect you to do the polite thing and go and have a look at it so that you could agree on how wonderful it was? confused

I'm wondering if, had you not gone, he'd have complained about your lack of interest.

It sounds as if he set you up so he could have a go at you, OP. He'd have got you for something else, if not this. [shrugs]

He was BU, you were not.

ImperialBlether Sat 30-Nov-13 16:00:58

Was he as precious when you shared a home?

sparklysilversequins Sat 30-Nov-13 16:21:01

He tried to be Imperial but was very inconsistent, he'd get a bee in his bonnet about something and rant on getting steadily more abusive. I always used to say if it wasn't that it would have been something else. He just had certain days when he wanted to have a go about something. I posted on here about him once when he shuddered and pulled a face and told me it was dirty and disgusting to leave some orange peel on a table for a few minutes while I fed two year old dd an orange. He was categorically slated for it, which was helpful because at the time I honestly couldn't see if I HAD been out of order.

It's just more of the same.

Jux Sat 30-Nov-13 16:57:44

You are well rid.

raisah Sun 01-Dec-13 02:54:59

Thank your lucky stars you are no longer with him, imagine waking up to him for the rest of your life. What a prize idiot.

MiniMonty Sun 01-Dec-13 04:42:21


Or not?

Sounds petty and a bit stupid to be honest - I'm sure his version would be exactly as biased (and as puerile) as yours.
I wonder if he even has a "version".

Clearly you've sorted the big things about the kids - so over and above that - take my advice babe - don't sweat the small stuff...

My BBQ your lawn, my thing in the car, your nervousness, my attitude which I tried to disguise, your guilt and shallow pride, my obvious discomfort, your half disguised anger and latent homosexuality (how dare you), my amazement, your denial, my accusation, your ability to reduce me, my instant hatred but latent love ALL on display ALL at once ! (it's Home and Away meets Gilbert and Sullivan) !

Honey, you're talking to an audience who have been there, done it - some of them have done it and done jail time for it, done it and and had the T-Shirt ripped off their back, done it and don't know where to put it, done it and done it again, done it and seen it from afar, done it , been there, been back, done it differently to get the other available T-Shirt, done that wrong, hid in a hole and then did it again, did it backwards, did it for the kids, did it for the kids and her or him every which way you can think of, made apologies for all and sundry, blamed themselves, forgave themselves, beat and broke and bashed themselves, turned hatred into, turned guilt into power, turned bread in to bread pudding.

I'd probably get over it mate.
Storm (sorry) very short lived weather front in a saucer.

sparklysilversequins Sun 01-Dec-13 07:21:57

Oh I do raisah. I try to be amicable though and just get side swiped from nowhere. My ds rang me last night to check I was ok and said "make sure he stays out of your house now Mum" . Which made me quite sad. I don't want my children thinking like that.

Also got an email from ex saying "I would like to forget this and move forward". Which is what passes as an apology from him. What now? Do I go in his house again and wait to be thrown out at any moment or insist I never darken the doors again? I certainly don't want my children witnessing THAT again.

ZaZazebra Sun 01-Dec-13 07:37:27

I could have written all your posts OP he sounds like my ex. A massive idiot. He chucked me out of his house in front of our kids too what a knobhead.

Hehehee Sun 01-Dec-13 07:38:05

How would you have behaved if it was a friend's new flat?

Obviously he was being ridiculous to keep going on about it but I do think you would have removed your shoes, even if you had wiped your feet, if you had been in anyone else's home, especially when they had already expressed concern about the mud.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to "forget this and move forward" TBH.

sparklysilversequins Sun 01-Dec-13 07:44:17

I wouldn't have removed my shoes anywhere unless asked tbh. Rightly or wrongly I don't ask people to at my home and so didn't think of it. I wouldn't mind any of this so much if the carpets hasn't been filthy anyway!

sparklysilversequins Sun 01-Dec-13 07:44:40

zazazebra did you go back again afterwards?

ZaZazebra Sun 01-Dec-13 08:06:47

Hi sparkly
My ex P and I were together for 4.5 years and we have two children -3.5 and a baby. I got fed up of his constant moodiness/ me walking ' round on eggshells/ him ordering me around / one minute nice the next minute angry etc. I moved the children and I out of our joint rental property into a new place and he found a new place too. Since then ( Aug) it has been very up and down - one minute him being all sweetness and light as he's sorry and wants us to reconcile (not going to happen) and he knows he's been an arse, switching to him being angry, bitter etc and his behavior reflecting this. He seems unable to control his behaviour in front of the children and frequently picks fights with me in front of the eldest which to me is textbook stuff you shouldn't do!

Anyway (dd waking now so I need to go...) sorry not trying to hijack... Yes he kicked me out of his new house as he was putting dd to bed and I apparently undermined him so he went mental and threw us out, my
DD understandably was crying, I was crying ... It was hideous. I tried to remain calm for my dd and not say "he's an idiot" etc

I then texted him telling him he needed to give us some space. The next day Dd said she wanted to see him so I did contact him and then he was massively apologetic etc, said he realized he'd been a dick. Anyway long story short that was really my "bottom line" and now I am just trying to keep things civil for the kids' sake but I try not to go to his house or stay in his house anyware more than putting the kids shoes and coats on pick up etc. it's all very tricky. Good luck OP.

sparklysilversequins Sun 01-Dec-13 10:00:32

They sound incredibly similar shock. I'm glad you managed to leave. It took me 8 years. I try so hard to keep it amicable for the dc but just get blind sided. He didn't even have a place to have the dc so I was very flexible for him to have them here and it's been 3 years since we split. It's taken him THIS long to get a place, all that time he's been visiting my place but I get ordered out within ten minutes of my first ever visit. Have to laugh really I suppose.

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