To find it a bit odd that DP's ex still wears her wedding ring?

(119 Posts)
purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 08:02:55

That's it really. They've been divorced over 4 years and she lives with new DP too. Seems rather strange to me confused

MuffCakes Sat 30-Nov-13 08:04:10

That is odd, I bet she still has his last name to!

Morgause Sat 30-Nov-13 08:05:04

Maybe it's to ward off unwanted male attention. Or she feels that she wants it observed that her children were born to a married woman?

I wouldn't stress about it.

Fairylea Sat 30-Nov-13 08:05:18

Odd to me... I sold my old wedding ring to the pawn shop as soon as my divorce came through!

Having helps ward off unwanted male attention and comments.

What is it to you anyway?

purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 08:09:22

She does still have his surname too. But I can kind of see why she might want the same surname as her DCs. The ring wearing just seems more odd to me. DP and I are getting married next year. So they'll not only be 2 Mrs (DpPsurname) but we'll both be wearing rings he gave us. She left DP for another man ffs

ilovesooty Sat 30-Nov-13 08:09:46

I kept my ex's last name. I was used to it and liked it better than mine. I still have my wedding ring but don't wear it. I've recently started wearing my eternity ring again. It's by far the most attractive and expensive piece of jewellery I own and it seems a shame not to. I wear it on the little finger of my right hand.

ImaginativeNewName Sat 30-Nov-13 08:12:15

I'd be sad to give up my wedding ring too because I really like it but I wouldn't wear it if divorced. I can see why you feel uncomfortable, especially as you are getting married.

purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 08:13:19

I wouldn't have a problem with that at all Sooty but this is very obviosly a wedding ring worn on her ring finger. DP says yes it is the ring he gave her

Mayvis Sat 30-Nov-13 08:13:24

My mum still wears hers and my parents split 25 years ago. No idea why but it's not hurting anyone. She also kept her married name so it was the same as ours.

CuriosityCola Sat 30-Nov-13 08:15:32

It sounds like the ring doesn't have the emotional attachment that many people have with their wedding rings. It is probably just another piece of jewellery to her.

I would find it odd though.

deepfriedsage Sat 30-Nov-13 08:16:51

I kept my married name, same as the dc and a pita to change.

It's not your business and you need to leave the womanalone, even if she is a scumbag cheat.

Weegiemum Sat 30-Nov-13 08:17:33

My mil has been divorced 20 years, has kept her married name and still wears her rings.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 30-Nov-13 08:18:57

I'd find it odd (and irritating) but meh, there's nothing you can do.

deepfriedsage Sat 30-Nov-13 08:20:24

A lot of single mums keep their married name as you may not realise the discriminateation they think you were a benefit scrounging teen mum otherwise if your not thirty when you have your first dc.

Ledkr Sat 30-Nov-13 08:20:38

It might just be that she doesn't want people to see her as an "unmarried mother" I kept my married name even tho I'm remarried because I thought my dd had enough to be dealing with with a new step dad so could do without me having a different name to her.
It was weird because when dh and I had our dd she was referred to as "baby ex's surname" luckily dh is extremely laid back about it.

purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 08:20:44

No you're right. There's not much I can do about it.

Kafri Sat 30-Nov-13 08:23:44

If she's happily shacked up with another fella then I really wouldn't be too worried

If things were different and she were chasing her xh left right and centre then maybe but as it is I don't see a problem. Leave her to it - she must have her reasons.

purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 08:24:15

As I've already said - I don't have a problem with the surname thing. Just the ring wearing

Wingspan123 Sat 30-Nov-13 08:27:15

YANBU, I would also find it odd and would possibly be a little upset too but there isn't really any need. The thing to remember here is that this is out of your control and if you can take a step back emotionally you would see it shouldn't matter to you. Their marriage broke down so that ring isn't a symbol of that any more. She may not have given it any real thought herself. Try not to worry and think of all the happiness you have and what you have got to look forward to - rings and surnames don't matter smile

Cutteduppumpkin Sat 30-Nov-13 08:37:48

I think that's very odd, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it.

Pooka Sat 30-Nov-13 08:41:37

My mother still wears her wedding ring and my parents divorced nearly 30 years ago. It's just a ring for her. No symbol. She kept her married name too.

Nomorepat Sat 30-Nov-13 08:43:03

Yes, in all honesty, I would find it odd, don't misunderstand me a widow doing this is completely normal but a divorcee? Not normal at all.

My neighbour in roughly the same position does so , too. I'm puzzled by it.

Are you on good (ish) terms with her? Is it the sort of relationship where you could ask her (guessing not, why ask here otherwise and not her directly).

I find it more odd that women still take their husband's name upon marriage

Pooka Sat 30-Nov-13 08:46:40

She might have moved it to her right hand at some point (my mother, that is). But I really can't recall.

Doesn't symbolise her hankering after my father (who remarried about 21 years ago).

Is a nice ring - heavy and solid. And I expect she was just so used to wearing it having been married for about 20 years that it didn't occur to her that she should have to take it off when there wasn't any reason to.

MadeOfStarDust Sat 30-Nov-13 08:47:28

my mum is religious... she wears her wedding ring 40 years after her divorce because

she "wants God to know she did no wrong, that she is married in his eyes and will be spending all eternity in heaven with my dad - if he gets there"

Should heaven exist, one of them is in for a shock.... shock

Monetbyhimself Sat 30-Nov-13 08:48:24

A piece of old jewellery shouldn't make you feel insecure unless there are other concerns you have sbout the relationship that still exists between them ?

Nomorepat Sat 30-Nov-13 08:50:11

Presumably she didn't instigate the divorce then MadeOfStarDust, I suppose I could understand it if people wished to remain married but the other person didn't, but not in the OP's situation.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 30-Nov-13 08:50:17

She hasn't said she feels insecure. She feels the woman is being odd. I concur.

perfectstorm Sat 30-Nov-13 08:50:52

I'd find that odd as well. The name, as you say yourself, makes perfect sense because it's a link to her children. The ring is just a little odd, especially in this day and age when half of all marriages end in divorce and almost half of all babies don't have married parents either.

Is it an exceptionally pretty ring? Mine is plain gold so would make less sense than a diamond sparkly one!

NightCircus Sat 30-Nov-13 08:56:26

Mine was £500. I was offered between £35 and £60 for it as 2nd hand 18ct gold at a range of places.
I liked it as a piece of jewellery so decided to keep it as a piece of jewellery. I wear it on the other hand.

No emotional attachment.

My new wedding ring (platinum this time!) is on my wedding finger. DH doesn't mind at all as knows it wasn't worth selling so a pragmatic decision.
I could have given away/kept in box but its pretty.

I'd keep name too if DC had it.

NightCircus Sat 30-Nov-13 08:57:04

Mine does have diamonds though

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 30-Nov-13 08:58:01

I don't see why it even matters. You have no say in what she wears. I'm still trying to figure out why you'd even notice or ask your DP if it was the ring he gave her.

As I've already said - I don't have a problem with the surname thing. Just the ring wearing

How very gracious of you. hmm I would say you're the one with the problem here. You're far too concerned over what she is wearing. Why do you even care?

MammaTJ Sat 30-Nov-13 09:01:51

I agree it is very odd. The name thing is normal, I still have my exH surname.

I did not continue to wear the wedding ring though.

drbonnieblossman Sat 30-Nov-13 09:08:08

nothing odd about it.

not everyone wants to wipe out the past when they divorce. some people want to acknowledge the life they had, even though all parties have moved forward.

I wear my rings after ten years, and am not divorced yet. No-one has an issue or feels jealous or insecure about it.

It''s up to her, OP. her ring, her finger.

teacherandguideleader Sat 30-Nov-13 09:15:23

My mum and dad separated almost 30 years ago. Mum still has Dad's surname as she wanted the same as me. She also really likes the ring so still wears it. She can't stand my father - although she is glad that the marriage happened as she got a child out of it.

Nomorepat Sat 30-Nov-13 09:16:48

but surely a wedding ring is about the life you're having not had (different with widowhood, I know) and if you're divorced you're not having that old life anymore?

A ring is a symbol of a marriage, once that marriage has gone, why the need of the symbol?

I wouldn't just shrug it off: as others have pointed out: it could very well indicate that the ex still has hankerings for her ex-husband.

Although I will say that if there is another explanation which I think not that likely like the ex just likes it as a piece of jewellery the OP will just have to accept it and move on.

NightCircus Sat 30-Nov-13 09:21:06

Oh and I did joke that it was one of the only good things to come from my marriage so why get rid of that too!

Damnautocorrect Sat 30-Nov-13 09:23:43

Maybe she likes the ring

ZillionChocolate Sat 30-Nov-13 09:26:03

I think it's a bit odd, but clearly this thread shows it's not that uncommon. Doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about. Maybe get DP to change his surname to yours instead wink

Monetbyhimself Sat 30-Nov-13 09:36:47

And if OP is secure in her relationship then the hankerings of her partners Ex wife shouldn't be an issue.
I still wear my eternity ring because it represents our children. I would rather hack my own arm off with a fork than reconcile with my estranged husband. However I have been instructed by OW to remove my ring hmm (I graciously declined grin )

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sat 30-Nov-13 09:40:36

My mum is still Mrs married name, she doesnt wear the rings though, she wears the jewellery her DP has given her.

weasle Sat 30-Nov-13 10:37:06

What noArmani said.

gobbynorthernbird Sat 30-Nov-13 10:46:22

Maybe she's just really used to wearing it. My hand feels funny if I take mine off for longer than it takes to apply hand cream.

mumandboys123 Sat 30-Nov-13 10:49:23

my ex left me over 5 years ago for another woman. He doesn't wear his wedding ring but he does wear a silver ring I bought him when we first got together still. He has lived with a number of women since and it has never been removed. I assume he likes it rather than attaches some kind of emotional connection with me to it. Who knows? I certainly don't care!

Xavielli Sat 30-Nov-13 10:55:08

My DP still wears his wedding ring (although not on his ring finger) 5 years after divorcing his ex wife. Yes it used to really bother me so he took it off and asked if I could buy him the same ring for Xmas that year (solid gold replica of the one ring from lord of the rings) - once I saw that a) it really was the ring he liked and b) it was going to cost me the best part of £500 to get him another, the whole thing stopped bothering me.

His ex wife has been remarried 3 years (about 2 weeks before we had our first child together) and we are on dc3. I'm fairly certain they're over each other

gobbin Sat 30-Nov-13 11:01:22

It's her hand, her ring, her choice. I don't understand why you're wasting brain space over this. Taking the emotional attachment aside, it's just a piece of metal.

DoingItForMyself Sat 30-Nov-13 11:06:44

Maybe it won't come off easily or she doesn't want that shrivelled white band you get under it that take months to go.

I used to twiddle mine as a distraction and now find myself still rubbing my bare finger with my thumb sometimes.

It could be something as simple as that, or it could be that she just sees it as part of her, like wearing a certain pair or earrings ever day, rather than a sentimental item.

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout Sat 30-Nov-13 11:09:13

Not sure about the ring but I have a friend who still has the name of an ex tattooed just inside her knicker line at the front! shock

Lovely reminder for her current husband whenever he goes down there I'm sure....

olidusUrsus Sat 30-Nov-13 11:13:17

It's not really any of your business. I can't see why you're so fixated over what jewellery you DP's ex chooses to wear.

SnookyAnyFuckerPooky Sat 30-Nov-13 11:16:24

My Mum kept her married name and still wore her wedding ring until quite recently when she gave it to me.

sashh Sat 30-Nov-13 11:17:44

So they'll not only be 2 Mrs (DpPsurname) but we'll both be wearing rings he gave us.

At least it's not the same ring, now that would be worth getting worried about.

It's her jewelry, up to her if she wears it.

qazxc Sat 30-Nov-13 11:19:48

Maybe she doesn't want to be seen as an unmarried mother.
Maybe she's just so used to wearing it, it hasn't occured to her to take it off.
Maybe she just sees it as a ring, no sentimental attachment.
By the sounds of it she's not hankering after your husband, so i wouldn't worry about it too much.
I'm sure if her DP proposes it will come off in a jiffy.

Bonsoir Sat 30-Nov-13 11:20:53

I think it is exceedingly tasteless!

drbonnieblossman Sat 30-Nov-13 11:24:54

Bonsoir , tasteless how?

LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Nov-13 11:31:42

Maybe she can't get it off? I've out on some weight since my wedding and although I could probably get my wedding ring off as it is bigger, I can't get my engagement ring off and that is in front of it.

I suppose she could get it cut off though in that situation.

Or maybe she just hasn't given it a minutes thought? I don't even notice I'm wearing my rings, so of DH and I split, I would probably continue to do so without realising.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 30-Nov-13 12:02:49

Ooh how awful to be seen as an I married mother! Better to pretend you're still married to the guy you left.

She is odd op.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 30-Nov-13 12:03:28

Unmarried!

feelingdizzy Sat 30-Nov-13 12:17:19

I kept my name, same as dcs I also married pretty young,so married name is also my work name. Also my other surname is pretty unusual have a very common one now. I still have my wedding ring it was my late grandmothers.

KeepingUpWithTheJonses Sat 30-Nov-13 12:28:27

I think it's weird.

I can understand that you may have memories, want to remember the life you had etc...in which case I can see why someone would keep the ring.

To wear it though? I can't see any reason for it. Tbh if df's ex wife kept wearing the ring after divorce i'd be more inclined to feel pity for her than jealousy or anything else.

Nomorepat Sat 30-Nov-13 12:30:09

Think some are being a bit harsh on the opening poster: she's getting married and her head is caught up with wedding and all it symbolises.
Also, if rings don't matter, why have them in the first place?
You know if rings really did mean nothing, why do people bother at all with having a wedding? Why not just sign the register and not exchange rings at all (damned sight cheaper!)
It could very well be that the ex still hankers after her ex-husband and, if so, the opening poster is right to be concerned about it. It's easy to say 'secure in the relationship' but life isn't that simple.

I suggest trying to get on good terms with the ex and ask her directly: if it's innocent and it means nothing, then the ex will say so. If she's not a bitch, she'll just say, 'Oh it means nothing. Honest'. She'd have to lack empathy to not at least realise why the opening poster is a tiny bit concerned and that will be end of it.

If it does mean something still, it will be written all over her face.

Pigsmummy Sat 30-Nov-13 12:35:35

Maybe she likes it? I am wearing an old engagement ring currently, (on my right hand) as I couldn't get a decent price to sell it and I genuinely like it.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Sat 30-Nov-13 12:39:01

I think it's weird that my husbands ex still has his name (although we don't have it now anyway because he took on my name instead wink) and kept her wedding ring, the photos and the dress and all the other wedding stuff when she was the one to break their vows over and over again and has 2 kids by her long term partner. But you know what I don't give a shit and it's none of my business grin

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 30-Nov-13 12:41:32

Yanbu. I would find it a bit odd.

The keeping his surname bit I wouldn't find odd even if they didn't have children. It's her surname by law.

My former head mistress kept her ex husbands surname after they divorced, I think it's been the better part of 30 years now. It's a great surname. She might have had it 20 years already by the time they split.

Monetbyhimself Sat 30-Nov-13 13:18:52

I think it must be really difficult for some people to acknowledge that your partner has a shared past that was nothing to do with youyou really know nothing about and you could drive yourself crazy trying to analyse this situation. Lots if examples in this thread about people still keeping and wearing jewellery that was significant to them. She may off course just be wearing it to wind you up and it's clearly working.I couldn't give a flying part if DP's Ex walked about in her wedding dress,dripping in every diamond that he ever bought her. Because I'm secure in my relationship. The issue IS yours and you can chose to let it affect you.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 30-Nov-13 13:22:19

It's her hand, her ring, her choice. I don't understand why you're wasting brain space over this. Taking the emotional attachment aside, it's just a piece of metal

Yes, what Gobbin said.

comingintomyown Sat 30-Nov-13 14:16:16

What concern is it of yours what rings she's wearing ?

My rings are gold which I don't like so I wouldn't wear them but if they were platinum I would as the diamonds are lovely and I wouldn't give it a moments thought

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 30-Nov-13 14:20:41

Why are people determined to paint the op as insecure?

She is asking if she's unreasonable to think this woman is a bit odd.

SoupDragon Sat 30-Nov-13 14:26:43

It's her hand, her ring, her choice. I don't understand why you're wasting brain space over this. Taking the emotional attachment aside, it's just a piece of metal

This. I really don't get why you have a problem with it. It's fuck all to do with you.

parttimer79 Sat 30-Nov-13 17:05:22

I'd find it moderately odd but you won't get many people saying this as on MN the first wife is ultimately right in all things don't ya know wink
Seriously it would give me pause for all of 5 minutes then I'd forget about it. When I marry DP next year I'll have same surname as his ex but I'll be Dr not Mrs. To be fair I always think of Mrs DPs name to be his mum!

Dominodonkey Sat 30-Nov-13 17:36:45

Yanbu- I think many people on this thread are being deliberately disingenuous.

She is not married to your dp, a wedding rig symbolises marriage so se has no business wearing it. You are soon to be married to him and you are therefore the only person who should be wearing his ring on the wedding finger.

To most people a wedding ring is symbolic - it isn't just another piece of jewellery - the posters above who believe it to be just a lump of metal are the strange ones in my opinion. It is also not the same as keeping a name as there are many practical reasons for that course of action and unless the ring is actually stuck few for continuing to wear a wedding ring when you are divorced from your husband by your own choice.

I don't necessarily think it is anything to worry about though as judging by this thread there are clearly some people who don't believe a wedding ring has any significance at all.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 30-Nov-13 17:38:54

OP didn't just say it was odd though. She said she had a problem with it.

There are perfectly reasonable explanations for why XW both kept his name (professional identity, same name as DCs) and wants to keep wearing her ring (it's one of the nicest pieces of jewellery most of us will ever get and it usually only fits one finger) - so I wouldn't worry about it.

CuriosityCola Sat 30-Nov-13 17:41:17

Monet, I think I would continue to wear my eternity ring. It symbolises the birth of my children.

I still wear my eternity ring because it represents our children

How does it represent your children? Did they give it to you?

purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 18:35:46

Thanks for the views - I'm not feeling insecure in my relationship over it, or have any plans to make a big deal over it.

I just asked because I always understood that a solid gold band worn around your ring finger was not just another piece of jewellery. It's certainly not one I would go out and buy myself just because it was pretty, or expect to be given for any reason other than marriage. Absolutely not the same as an engagement or eternity ring worn on a different finger, which would seem quite normal.

Does sound like a few people know of older women who hold onto them because they feel they've achieved the "status" of married woman and don't want to lose it. Maybe she's just rather old-fashioned. She doesn't show any other signs of having desires over my DP so will just have to live with it I guess. I don't know her well enough to ask her why, though if the opportunity arises might casually see if DSD has any insight into it.

AmberLeaf Sat 30-Nov-13 18:37:02

womble I think maybe because eternity rings are often given on the birth of a child?

perfectstorm Sat 30-Nov-13 18:43:05

if the opportunity arises might casually see if DSD has any insight into it.

Please, please don't do that. There is no casual way possible for a second wife to ask the child of a first wife why that wife still wears her wedding ring. However subtle you think you're being, kids in that situation have atennae like you would not believe, and you are exposing her to adult emotions she's already had more of than any child ever should. No opportunity would make that okay and it will never, ever be casual. You're wondering how to pump her for info in a non-threatening way - which is human and normal, I appreciate, but still deeply unfair on her.

SoupDragon Sat 30-Nov-13 18:49:38

if the opportunity arises might casually see if DSD has any insight into it.

Why on earth would you do that if, as you claim, you aren't insecure and don't plan on making a big deal abut it ? confused refusing to just let it drop is making a big deal about it when it has nothing to do with you.

purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 18:49:43

DSD is 16. I would only ask if it came up in conversation. She seems comfortable to talk about her DM and is forms her own views on things that she says and does. She (DSD) seemed genuinely delighted about us getting married, so I really don't think would find it too awkward a topic, but will take the advice to be cautious.

purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 18:50:45

Soupdragon - refusing to let it drop, is a funny way to describe a conversation I haven't yet had confused

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 30-Nov-13 18:51:51

if the opportunity arises might casually see if DSD has any insight into it.
Agree with Perfect - wouldn't it be better to ask your DP?

SoupDragon Sat 30-Nov-13 18:51:54

You are thinking about having it! Most people would have shrugged and forgotten about it.

AngiBolen Sat 30-Nov-13 18:55:15

I would feel naked without my wedding ring. I would probably keep wearing it, even if DH ran off and left me. Also I can't get it off blush It would have to be cut off.

treadheavily Sat 30-Nov-13 18:56:39

I think it is weird.

My ex still wears his wedding ring and people ask me if we are back together. The children think we are still married.

I have no idea why he still wears it.

perfectstorm Sat 30-Nov-13 18:57:34

I've had 3 stepmothers. One I love to bits - and she was always hugely respectful of boundaries, especially on things such as this.

16 is still very young, and if you get on well with her, then all the more reason to avoid stuff like this like the plague. You are not wanting to know this for any reason but your own interests. It is a form of using her - to pump her over her mum. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm seriously uncomfortable with this suggestion. Kids should never be dragged into adult disputes, and the fact she likes and wants to please you should be more reason to abide by that, not less.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 30-Nov-13 18:59:09

I wouldn't ask your dsd if I were you.

I do think it is odd but at the end of the day nothing you say or do will stop her wearing it, it will just cause a bad atmosphere.

Don't ever think your dsd will stand for you criticising her mother no matter how well you get on.

purpleroses Sat 30-Nov-13 19:00:17

I did ask DP, he said he had no idea why she wears it, and found it odd himself, but thinks there's nothing he can do about it - which is right of course. He doesn't have many conversations with his ex though these days - only practical ones about who's picking up the kids, etc so doesn't know much about her views on things.

Yes, maybe she does feel uncomfortable without it, or can't get it off!

HenriettaMaria Sat 30-Nov-13 19:04:40

I have no idea if DH's ex still wears her wedding ring or not. DH still wears the ring he had for his first marriage. <shrugs>

I, on the other hand, do not wear any ring at all. I know I'm married and my face repels unwanted male attention

cleofatra Sat 30-Nov-13 20:54:53

I have been married 10 years and Never wear mine . It's not a big thing to some.

rabbitlady Sat 30-Nov-13 22:45:20

i still have my ex husband's surname and we split in 1988.

my daughter, then 4, wanted me to have the same surname as her, so i kept it. by the time she was 18 and didn't mind, i was used to it. i don't want to use my maiden name as it is too well known to the local police (big family, get up to all sorts), and when i thought of using my mum's first name as my surname in a proper feminist manner, she asked me not to as everyone named after her has died young. i rather like the name 'li' because its so short and might change my name to li one day. i also thought of becoming 'mrs love' as everyone seems to address me as 'love' anyway.

i don't wear the wedding ring but i'd taken that off before the marriage ended. i got eczema under it but always thought it was psychological - needed rid of the husband so got rid of the ring. i can imagine that if you're used to wearing it, you might keep a ring that's been about your body for years.

also, being divorced doesn't mean you were never married. i'm 'mrs' not 'miss'. i had that experience. i might not have liked it much, but it can't be taken away.

Bourjois Sat 30-Nov-13 23:07:02

My mother wears 2 wedding rings. 1) from the marriage to my father - she left him and raged against him for 40 years (and the rest) - and 2) from the marriage to my step-father.

I am married, divorced and re-married and I wouldn't dream of wearing my ex-husband's wedding ring in front of my second husband. It's insulting to him and would flaunt my past to emasculate him.

OP, it might be early days, but if this relationship develops into another marriage and she still continues to wear the ring from her first marriage, then I WOULD worry. At the moment, bide your time.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 01-Dec-13 00:11:12

This is off topic a bit - women keeping married name after divorce.

It is their name by law. I totally understand why some revert back to their maiden name but by the same token, I understand why women keep their married name. It isn't a gift to be rescinded upon divorce, it is legally their name. Children or no children.

cleofatra Sun 01-Dec-13 05:17:50

That's rubbish . I am married and my husbands name is not my legal nAme

SpecialAgentFreyPie Sun 01-Dec-13 05:38:12

Maybe she likes the ring?

Maybe she's Smeagal?

Who cares?

Bringing her daughter into it in any way is wildly inappropriate.

lunar1 Sun 01-Dec-13 07:30:42

Leave your step daughter out of it, it would be disgusting to involve her. if i found out some one raised a subject like this about me with my child i would be fucking livid.

It is absolutely none of your business why she wears her ring. What on earth is wrong with you that you would involve your DSD in this. I can just see the thread now, AIBU for cutting off my dads wife? she talks about my DM and tries to drag me into it.

springytickle Sun 01-Dec-13 10:05:42

Perhaps she likes the status of it, thinks that 'unmarried' or 'single' is not a legit status.

You could look at it that she took her vows lightly and also takes the symbol of a wedding ring lightly, too.

Don't involve your DSD.

I feel sorry for her. She's obviously insecure. Woe betide anyone think she was single 'at her age'.

GideonKipper Sun 01-Dec-13 20:06:36

I think it's a bit odd. But then again I think it's odd that dh's first wife has kept his name after they divorced. They had no children together. I kept my maiden name on marriage, so the upshot is that mine and dh's children have the same surname as his first wife but not me.

hoobypickypicky Sun 01-Dec-13 20:36:43

You keep telling us that you're not insecure about your partner's ex-wife continuing to wear her wedding ring but you don't half sound^ like you are!

YABU. It's her business, it's not odd and it's sure as eggs are eggs not appropriate for you to question your partner's daughter about her mother's choices.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 01-Dec-13 20:51:01

Erm...it is if you choose to take the name cleo hmm

cleofatra Sun 01-Dec-13 21:06:41

Exactly. It's not some automatic "legal right"

Idespair Sun 01-Dec-13 21:09:08

Maybe she just likes the ring?
Don't worry about it.

cloutiedumpling Sun 01-Dec-13 21:13:10

Has she put on weight since they got married? I've put on a couple of stones and can't get my wedding ring off anymore.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 01-Dec-13 21:15:48

<sigh> I didn't think the glaringly obvious had to be explicitly stated cleo. I will be sure to keep that in mind for future reference though. For avoidance of confusion.

feelingvunerable Sun 01-Dec-13 21:28:29

If you feel that strongly about it then get your dp to change his name to yours.

Fwiw I know lots of unmarried women who wear a solid gold band on their wedding finger. Most of them have never been married and are quite happy to live with the father of their child.
Who the hell is anyone to tell them they shouldn't be wearing a ring?

I am divorcing my dh and fwiw have no intention of changing my name from the name I have had for 20 years. It has sod all to do with anyone else.
I don't however wear my wedding ring, but my dcs are older and I really don't give a damn about being a single parent, quite the opposite I find it liberating.

aurynne Mon 02-Dec-13 01:40:06

"So they'll not only be 2 Mrs (DpPsurname) but we'll both be wearing rings he gave us."

Well you certainly have no control over what that woman wears on her ring finger, but if it bothers you that 2 women will have your DP's name, you can simply keep yours.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 02-Dec-13 09:10:29

I would find most unmarried women who wear wedding rings on their wedding finger odd.

Of course I wouldn't tell them that, but I reserve the right to think it.

poshfrock Mon 02-Dec-13 12:10:18

My DH's ex has kept his name but they have 2 children so I think it is understandable that she would want her name to be the same as her children's. She doesn't wear his rings and in fact gave them back to him after they split and asked him to look after them until DSD was 18 when she wants them given to her (which he has now done).
However, she does send him a card on "their" wedding anniversary every year despite the fact that they have been divorced for 12 years. It always contains a message of the " we would have been married 18 years this year" variety.

GideonKipper Mon 02-Dec-13 12:15:15

Poshfrock - I find the card thing a bit odd as well!

ISawStrattersKissingSantaClaus Mon 02-Dec-13 12:21:13

I still use my XH's surname, it's also my DDs' name and I like having the same name as them.

I don't wear my rings, but only because they don't fit any more. Otherwise, I would wear them, quickest way to see men off imo.

youretoastmildred Mon 02-Dec-13 12:22:46

I can see why this is annoying or even upsetting when you are about to marry a man and another woman is bearing a symbol of being already married to him.

I think the way to think of it is that society traditionally penalises unmarried women, especially those with children. To be married for a woman is a mark of status (traditionally, I am not defending this view). Her position (even subconsciously) may be: I was married, to the father of my children too, I ticked those boxes fair and square and legally that status is mine, so I am keeping the ring which is the symbol of it, and wearing it so I don't go down a notch in the world.

Maybe she hopes her dp will marry her and she will take it off then and wear one he gives her.

youretoastmildred Mon 02-Dec-13 12:23:11

sorry but meant to finish - but in the meantime has no intention of being seen as an unmarried woman / mother

purpleroses Mon 02-Dec-13 12:23:18

Criky poshfrock - that sounds worseshock Does your DH send her one back on the anniversary of the day they got divorced telling her how long they've been divorced? grin

Thankfully my DP does not receive any 'anniversary' card from his ex.

But actually I think what springtinke said upthread actually makes the most sense. She'd been married before she met my DP, and broke off that marriage too. I think she possibly just sees being married as part of being grown up, but has never take the vows and the forever bit of it too seriously, and doesn't take the ring too seriously either. She can't marry her current DP without losing the spousal maintenance that she gets off my DP, so I guess maybe she'll keep his ring on her finger for another 5 years (til the maintenance stops anyway) and then swap it for a new one!

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 02-Dec-13 12:26:15

does seem weird as 1) divorced 2) with new partner and living with him

divorced is obv diff from widowed, but i wore my ring from dh for almost 2 years after he died, and i was with a new dp

DP wasnt bothered at all i wore it and never pressured me to take off - i took it off on what would have been our wa this year (march) DP asked why, and I said it felt right - it on my right hand ring finger now as tbh i love my rings, diamonds

also new people assumed as i wore wedding/engagement rings that DP was my hubby, then you had to explain that DH was dead eyc, and people just dont know what to say

people also assumed as i took my rings off that DP was going to put his ring on it

how jewellery complicated things grin

but yes does seem weird in your case, but i wouldnt worry about it, i know friends who are divorced and keep name/rings, but they havent met someone new yet

pinkbear82 Mon 02-Dec-13 12:35:09

Openly admitting now I haven't read every single reply.....

Op I'd find it odd too, could understand if the circumstances were different, like your DP had left her (wouldn't make it right but that whole clinging on thing people do) or if another situation had caused the partner not to be around any more.
Why if you had left someone would you carry on wearing a wedding ring as a wedding ring?! If I was her new chap I'd have a very big issue over it.

I'd understand keeping the ring and passing to a dd, I have my gran's first engagement ring that was passed down to me, and I love that.

Don't get me started on the whole surname thing, I will not be the next Mrs X - my dd has had both our surnames for this reason, and I shall probably do the same. Perhaps if the first mrs x wasn't such a bitch I wouldn't mind but that's something else altogether

pinkbear82 Mon 02-Dec-13 12:35:35

Openly admitting now I haven't read every single reply.....

Op I'd find it odd too, could understand if the circumstances were different, like your DP had left her (wouldn't make it right but that whole clinging on thing people do) or if another situation had caused the partner not to be around any more.
Why if you had left someone would you carry on wearing a wedding ring as a wedding ring?! If I was her new chap I'd have a very big issue over it.

I'd understand keeping the ring and passing to a dd, I have my gran's first engagement ring that was passed down to me, and I love that.

Don't get me started on the whole surname thing, I will not be the next Mrs X - my dd has had both our surnames for this reason, and I shall probably do the same. Perhaps if the first mrs x wasn't such a bitch I wouldn't mind but that's something else altogether

poshfrock Tue 03-Dec-13 09:47:23

purpleroses LOL ! I'm not sure he'd even know what date they got divorced. He didn't even realise it was for their wedding anniversary the first time she did it. He thought she's sent it for our anniversary and that he'd forgotten or got the date wrong and was really worried ( our anniversaries are 2 months apart). It was only when I looked at the calendar that I realised what she'd done. She does lots of stuff like this. For example her user name on Twitter is the name of the road where they used to meet ( it's a woman's name and quite specific - think Mary Smith Road). Twitter only started 3 years after DH and I got married.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 03-Dec-13 10:12:09

Ooh Rabbit, that happened to me too. Towards the end of my marriage my wedding ring caused constant irritation on my finger. I ended up removing it shortly before I left him.

SeeYouNT Tue 03-Dec-13 10:41:03

yeah its weird

my MIL has been divorced from her ex H ( dh's dad) for 15 years and still has his last name confused i don't get it.

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