To want my DD to be star of the week?(75 Posts)
Not because I think she's so brilliant that she should be chosen but because it's destroying her confidence every week she's not picked. She said she tries really hard and it makes her feel like her best isn't good enough and that she's rubbish.
It's heartbreaking so should I have a word with the teacher or just wait. I'm pretty sure they all get a turn, not necessarily that the person is particularly starfull that week. I was just going to talk in general terms, not "make my DD star of the week".
I don't think having a word is a good idea. You'll forever be known as that mum.
She will get her turn - and the wait will be good for her. It's a tough lesson to learn but you can't have everything and need to be able to celebrate the success of others.
They will all get to be star of the week. Patience.
You really need to help her with her confidence and find way for it not to be 'destroyed' by not being picked for some random nonsense award.
YANBU - i am having exactly the same scenario at home. DS isnt too bothered but does make the odd comment and when i go to the stars assembly every
fucking week i see his face drop when he doesnt get picked. (they pick three every week so by my calcs they should have got through everyone by now)
He gets lots of good feedback from the teachers when i collect them and last week one of them said that he had done something that i was convinced would get him picked - and he didnt
I spoke to DH and wondered if i should ask the teacher why. We agreed that we shouldnt as i dont want to be one of 'those' parents. They will get their turn at some point. And they need to learn that things dont come that easily.
Its shit though i know
But there won't have been enough weeks yet for everyone to have a go. All you'll be asking is for her to be bumped up above someone else, who might be trying equally hard.
They will all get to be star of the week, your dd will get her turn along with the others that haven't had it yet.
I'm sure she does other things at school that are good for her confidence, focus on those instead.
I don't think you should ask the teacher either but perhaps mention that your dd is a bit low in confidence at the moment, maybe they could give her a bit more praise so she knows when she's doing well.
All mine get to be the star at least once a term to make it fair. Some are the star more than once a term if they have shown me they have gone above and beyond in a particular area. Some of mine have yet to be the star but I have a tick list of those still to be 'it' in the next few weeks so I don't miss anyone. But should we ever do we have a record keeper in the parents rows who will tell us months down the line that X was the star on this date only for doing X and their child did so and so that week...blah blah blah!
Ds has been at school for 6 years and has never been star of the week (2 per year each week which means ds should easily have had a chance by now). It seems to be a select few ime, same names throughout the year.
What's this - the 12th week in? (If you knock off the half term week)
How many in the class? She could be waiting a while yet.
No, mine's been at school 3 and a half years now - never once star of the week. If she's not in reception, I'd have a word with the teacher. The quieter ones get overlooked. If she is in reception, I'd probably wait.
I had a word with dd's reception teacher. She got hers in May, a lot of her mates had had it twice and her best mate was on the third time. I felt like a right tit bringing it up tbh, but I felt I had to.
Could you make her a star of the week award at home with a specific reason, eg good homework, good manners etc?
I will probably get flamed for this, but I did speak to dd's teacher. Not to say "make her star of the week" but to say that dd was trying really hard at a particular thing that had been emphasised as a way to be star of the week (she was looking out for kids that had no one to play with to include them). She did then get star of the week the following week.
Hmmm, I was tempted to write something sarcastic then, but thankfully remembered my manners and that this can actually be a problem (I sometimes think aibu turns normal nice people into monsters sometimes).
Not once in three years is very harsh . All children should be picked, if the school has this system, at least once a year. In my class I always tried to pick the quiet, good children first, for being just that, before picking little johnny who'd not snatched or thumped someone for a few days. But if she's in reception, she'll probably get her turn. Tell her she's your star x
I would have a word with the teacher- in a nice way! I am a TA and have worked with loads of teachers who don't actually keep a record, so kids do get missed.
Ds didn't get an award at his ultra competitive football club presentation evening. His big sister made him a "non dickhead" rosette. It's one of his prized possessions 4 years later.........
How old is she? What year is she in?
Please bear in mind that if the 'star of the week' is worth having, it's because they are earned.
If my ds won his Star of the week through patience alone it's not worth it.
He earned his, twice, by consistently trying hard, by scoring house points.
He's not a genius, he's motivated and wants to beat his own performance score.
He looks to go further, try harder than he has before.
He also had a star of the week 'stolen' from him. A classmate moved his marker.
He was upset then, as he knew he'd earned it but not received it. We made him a 'Dude of the Week' award. ;)
She's 7 so yr2. I do try and build her confidence and all the good stuff posted here.
I think she just needs to be told by someone that she respects that she's doing well.
I'm not sure if the teacher keeps a record, she had to ask the class the other week who hadn't been SOTW.
Yes not once in three years, well we're into the 4th now.
It's always the ones who managed not to thump someone this week. By year 2 the others seemed to work this out - they'd come out saying "everyone knows she didn't deserve it!" waving their angry little fists.
I dare say that this is similar to having the class mascot then, not about things you've achieved. Sounds like they're not overly organised tbh!
DS mucked about a bit when he was in year1 so was last to get the mascot.
Now he's in year 3, Juniors, it's like a light's been switched on.
Could you arrange a toy's party (all her favourite toys) and celebrate her friendship with them? give her a reward for helping you, make cakes together or something and do a 'bake off'
We have toy parties sometimes, they made him dude of the week etc.
She's got a few treats this weekend actually so that will help take her mind off it.
I had to say something to dd's reception teacher, she got it the very last week, there were kids who got it three times. I wouldn't mind but dd is really well behaved. She just isn't academically bright and wasn't reaching her expected levels. It was heartbreaking. She was so happy when she finally got it. Fingers crossed she gets it a little sooner this year (they do one a week).
What gave me a lump in the throat this week was when she said her best friend got it. DD said she was so happy for her she clapped until her hands hurt.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I love the "non-dickhead rosette" Curlew! What a great story
I am 23 now but I still remember the saddness and confusion of never getting pupil of the week until the end of the year...every year, even when others got it 2-3 times.
I was smart, polite, completed my work on time etc. Still hurts now come to think about it
No don't say anything.
I'd want my child to be star of the week for a genuine reason not because I 'had a word'.
My daughter didn't get to bring the bear mascot home until YR1 despite some of the children in the class having had it twice and sometimes even three times during Reception and YR1 by the time it was her 'turn'. She went months without being Star of the Week (and to be honest she may only have got it then because it had been Parents Evening the week before and I may have mentioned that I didn't feel that she was recognised and rewarded for her hard work and good behaviour).
Do you know what? In a way I am pleased this happened to her. It doesn't appear to have damaged her and she learnt early on that life isn't fair and that there will always be favourites. She is now in year 7 and is a well adjusted and happy child.
I know all of this is important to us as parents but in the scheme of our children's lives it is insignificant and could be construed as a positive if it teaches them valuable life lessons.
30 children in the class....39 weeks in a school year.
Be patient. Every other child want to be star of the week too.
I would drop a massive hint, such as "I love that the class has SATW.. You've provably noticed DD is trying her best to get it." With a big smile.
I think these things are too haphazard and do as much damage as good, disillusioning many keen Tinies.
There is a whole other thread about this where it is clear that everyone doesn't always get a turn and sometimes the system disproportionately rewards the child who, as someone put it on the previous page, 'hasn't thumped someone for a few days'. Sometimes there are 'genuine reasons' for a child to deserve SOTW but they don't get remembered.
Personally, I don't give a toss about being thought 'that kind of mum' My concern is that my child is treated fairly - which of course doesn't mean they should get the best of everything and go to the front of the queue. But if I really think the SOTW isn't rewarding children fairly, I would not stay silent because of what others might think of me. That's less important than making sure my child doesn't get the impression that a crappy system is fine and no-one needs to try and improve it or make it fairer, ever.
I would speak to your DD's teacher to say that her confidence is low and to ask what could be done to help build that up. Say what you have said here and make it clear you are not demanding she gets SOTW next week but you would like it if the teacher emphasised to her that her best is good and worthwhile, and that it's noticed.
I'm not sure that some schools are doing a very good job of explaining what star of the week is for and why they do it. Perhaps they could be asked to explain. The purpose may well even have been lost within the school. In fact, the entire staff might have changed since introducing it, and it's just a token thing that's always been done.
Should be in the PSHE or behaviour or healthy schools policy.
YANBU at all, I really hate star of the week, DS's school did it as a reward for someone who has tried harder or been nicer than usual so the kids who were always nice and tried hard never got it.
I much prefer DDs school where each child gets a certificate stuck in the book bag and their name mentioned in KS1 assembly whenever they deserve it, even if that means 6 from the same class in one week!
I don't know why some DC always get awards. My almost 6 year old DGD is always getting awards of some description. Academic, star of the week, etc.etc.
I asked DD why DGD is always getting these awards. She doesn't know. She is a very independent, bright little girl. DD jokingly said "Maybe she sucks up to the teacher"but that isn't going to get her academic awards.
I do know that she skips out of school every day and usually says Ï have had a wonderful day""
Sounds like my dd at that age. She loved school and loved her teacher. Always the first to ask to help and really concentrated on her work. The teachers never had a bad word to say about her. It made it a bit unbalanced on parents evenings, as we'd be in for five mins with her teacher (dd is lovely, doing well, such a pleasure to have in the classroom) and then at least half an hour with ds's teachers as they always had lots to say!
As I recall she got a fair few awards for various things which were duly celebrated, but the only award that's really stuck around is ds's one star of the week card (with stickies from everyone in the class saying something nice about him) which hes still has in his room seven years later
The idea may be that everyone gets it but they flipping well don't. My friend's DS had the merit badge for the first time ever last week. He's y4 so it's been 3 1/2 years coming.
DS has had it twice. He's a well behaved boy, a bit quirky (well, a lot actually!) with a lot to contribute and a dyspraxia DX. DD is more mainstream, bright, quiet, universally liked and hardworking. She got it once last year in y1. The hands up girls get it once a term!
We are clearly not merit badge people!!
OP you need to start making it no big deal for your Dd because some children just don't get it. Literally.
I think you should talk to her teacher, not to get her the Star but to let her teacher know how badly its affecting her confidence. Hopefully her teacher will be able to find ways to support her at school in the same way you're supporting her at home.
Very often the quiet, well behaved hard working kids do get over looked.
A mum at school told us that one year her son waited patiently until the last week and still didn't get it. It went to another child - so their second go. At that stage she did say something to the teacher. She had "forgotten" this child and wondered why she had doubled up! Not rocket science.
DS was first to be awarded in Y2. Of course, by the summer he had forgotten ever getting it and got more and more despondent as end of year approached. We even had the certificate on the fridge door but he thought that was Y1. He perked up when he realised but it was a very difficult few months with him not explaining the bad mood and us putting it down to end of week tiredness.
Teachers can't win if they do them first or last.
I think there's a difference between the child getting it but forgetting, and the teacher forgetting.
I think there's a difference between the child getting it but forgetting, and the teacher forgetting.
My Dp is a football coach. He makes sure that everyone gets "player of the match" at least once a season, and keeps a list to make sure this happens. It's perfectly possible to "catch children being good" if you try!
My daughter was never chosen for "Star of the Week."
Awwww, OP your last post made me cry a little bit. That's very sweet. I'm not usually such an easy weeper.
These kind of things annoy me, I was really sensitive to them as a child and still have 'not being the best at anything' issues now.
My DSs football coaches used to make sure everyone got a medal, he got it one week and was absolutely delighted, he's not an amazing footballer but he tried very, very hard.
God this is bringing back difficult memories of the 'Effort Cup'. Every week I would try and try to win the bloody thing and never did. Then one week all my dreams came true and I won the little gold covered plastic thing. I got a Mr Man book for my trouble and was made up
I do wonder though, if our own upset and disappointment about this sort of thing if filtering through to the children?
Wouldn't it be better for them in the long run to shrug it off, you win some you lose some?
I know some children like the OP's do get genuinely disappointed about not being SOTW but simply by talking about it so much, however much you try to hide that discussion, makes it more important than it actually is which then fuels the child's disappointment.
I think my DD's school does it best.
The star of the week for each class is published in the newsletter so the parents to whom it matters can tell their kids when they're in and we can all live in blissful ignorance the rest of the time
i know!!!! it sucks and its a shit idea to be honest. My DS is the same, patience I guess and tell her they give it to the low performers to incentivise them??? thats a shit idea maybe !!!
I think it only works when managed very tightly
We need, as parents, to prepare our kids for all aspects of life - no it is not "fair" sometimes, my dds often did fantastic work or helped out other kids who needed a friend etc, but often went "unrewarded".. stuff happens... but when my eldest had a bit of a paddy about it in the first year at school we had a chat....
I told her that she is a good child, she behaves well, she does some fantastic work and that with all the love and support she has at home, she is at an advantage... and she always will be..
that some kids don't have that love and support, that some kids struggle - whether with their temper, their work or their life outside school in general - THOSE are the children that NEED star of the week - the ones who maybe do try harder this week to not hit, to turn up on time, just to be good in class sometimes...
that she doesn't need star of the week to KNOW she is good, because she is told often, that her attitude and hard work are valued by us and her teachers. We reward her good efforts with love, with "well done", with trips out and meals out with family - some kids don't have that advantage and need star of the week to show them that someone has noticed and they are cared about.
So to be honest, beyond that day, "star of the week" never mattered one jot to us..
I think the problem is that teachers just can't know everything that happens all the time so it becomes v arbitary. Then they don't seem to keep any records so you get this doubling up business,.
I think awards that are v immediate (i.e. on the same day) as whatever they did that was good and not limited in number are probably best, in the infants at least.
My dd never seems to know what she has done well either the time she got star of the week or when she gets stickers for being good (quite a lot - they all seem to get quite a lot!)
My school is very strict on staff keeping a record of who gets which awards and when, both on paper and on the electronic systems.
We have a merit mark system for work & effort, for which they earn certificates as the points tally up. OP's DD would be doing well on this.
We have a separate 'star of the week' equivalent for which everyone WILL get a turn during the year... but some will need to wait as there is only one each week. I try to mix up the "genuinely did something amazing" with the "been trying really hard --haven't thumped anyone for 2 minutes--" types.
I agree with mellow. I don't care if I'm seen as "that mum" because I am my DC mum, I am their advocate. No one else is, nor will they be, as they will always have another agenda (well apart from their DF, but he's not as opinionated as me!). If I have to embarrass myself to stand up for my child then I will, and I don't care who to, or what they think of me. Well secretly I do, but I don't let it bother me.
That said I'm not constantly hassling the teacher or anything like that, just that if I feel it appropriate to say something, whether it's asking for a second opinion about something medical or telling the teacher my child hadn't been sotw for most of the year then I would. I think once in 4 years of schooling have I said my child is desperate to be SOTW, and is starting to come home very upset that she is not picked, but that was after weeks and much thought, not a whim 4 weeks into term. And I did once ask a consultant emergency paediatrician to look me in the eyes and tell me if it was her child would she be sending her home with a similar suspicious looking rash. Who knows what she thought of me! I don't care, I just knew that I had no regrets that night.
They all get star of the week at some point but I think that teachers should do something similar to what DD1's teacher does.
Every week he does Star Of The Week but he also puts a little certificate in the bags of all of the children who have been well behaved/done good work etc. I like it because it shows the children that he has noticed that they have done well that week even though they didn't get Star. DD is always really pleased when she gets one.
my DS just got one!!!!!
however IMVHO it was coldly worded
thanks fuck, thats one thing off the worry list
DH took DD in and had a quiet word with the teacher. He asked if she was doing OK and that she thinks she's rubbish because she hasn't been chosen for SOTW. The teacher said it's the worst part of her job having to pick one child but she's not doing anything wrong.
and in the next week or 2 she will be given SOTW and you will feel a bit peeved because you will know it is only because he said something...
Tell her to behave really, really badly for a fortnight, and then behave well for three days. She will get it then.
According to my ds who successfully gained one on demand while following this system [bitter]
dd who was, quite frankly, my best behaved child by far, only got one after I complained.
My ADHD daughter has featured disproportionately regularly on star of the week over her six years at her current school. My hard-working, kind, gentle, long-suffering son has received it twice. I don't know how the system should work to keep everybody happy because no, it is often not fair, I have seen how my son sometimes has seemed sad that his chaotic sister gets it when he doesn't, and I have no doubts that there are many children out there like him. On the other hand, there is no doubt that she needs it more than him. I have often wished that it didn't exist.
I had a badly behaved DS1 (undiagnosed aspergers). He got star of the week for actually taking his sats in y6. He came out of school proudly holding the certificate out at arms length in front of him for all to see.
Everychild should get star of the week once in the year. The child who doesn't get it until May is the child the teacher doesn't like (looking at you, DS1)
The child who doesn't get it until May is the child the teacher doesn't like
That is TOTALLY untrue and a dreadful accusation for any teacher! I am appalled that anyone would genuinely think that. I very much hope that you were joking.
ILoveRacnoss, You wouldn't have liked my DS much if you had to try to teach him.If a child is generally "off task, willfull and challenging" they are not going to be much liked by the teacher, or get star of the week IME.
If a child is kind, thoughtful and helpful, and always tries their best, they are much more likeable and more likely to get star of the week before Chrismas.
My comment was based on my experience of my own children and their teachers, I can't speak for millions of others up and down the country.
at our school we keep a list so each child wins it. and let me add for some kids it's bloody hard to do that as some can't be good for one hour let alone a week.
we also do the 'always tries award' for the average kids who always generally try hard and behave so are often praised less than the pita kids.
I really like this award and always remember to praise these kids.
I honestly think that for some kids lack of confidence or the opposite has bugger all to do with praise and support.
out of my kids 2 are pretty confident and 1 ok while the other has absolutist none at all. drives me nuts as we praise them all equally.
hope she gets it soon op.
The teacher should keep a list and make sure they all get a turn.
I have a very good (but quiet) DS who was in a similar position. I waited until June, when they were clearly onto round 2. We did the whole "some children need it more than you do" etc, but then it got v late in the year so I did check that they would all get it.
Anyway, a couple of weeks later, it all resolved itself when DS asked the headteacher what he needed to do to get star of the week (this was NOT prompted by me!) as he had never been it and some of his friends had been it twice. The next week it ended up being him. It is worth stressing we did not put him up to it - so it was probably done in quite a genuine and pathetic way!
Luckily we have moved well past all that now he is in year 2 - they still give them out but it is very clear he couldn't care less. And fortunately his younger sister, currently in reception, is not in any way interested either.
dd never got ster of the week in the 3 years she was at primary.... she was gutted teachers always said how kind and helpfull and polite she was Sotw went often to the kids who were genrally naughty but behaved for a day or too
-- twins should be alright then--
AngiBolen I can assure you that my 'star of the week' is not chosen on whether I 'like' them or not.
Last week it was the one who tried their best in PE even though they find it very hard.
Next week it's one who wrote something in Literacy that was a huge leap forward for them. That child can be very challenging indeed much of the time.
The one for the following week has already been chosen because I have to give their parents plenty of notice so that they can attend the assembly. Reasons vary, but it's never to do with being 'liked'.
Ds2 was in reception last year and didn't get star of the week despite being a really well behaved little thing most of the time and trying really hard to get over some things he had problems with.
Our surname is near the end of the alphabet and as I knew they worked their way through the class so everyone got it I didn't really think about it as I figured he would be getting it near the end of the year as it worked approximately on that basis. By the time I realised he hadn't had it, it was too late to
complain ask about it. But he did get it fairly early on in yr 1 - and he was so thrilled. I felt a bit bad that I hadn't chased up on it in yr R.
It didn't help that ds1 had had the same teacher and had got it in yr R so ds2 noticed that he hadn't got what his big brother had done. Luckily ds2 has had a couple of lunch stars of the week, which his brother never managed, so at least they have both managed something different!
I find it most peculiar that some parents are putting so much value on to something which, in their school's case, is given to each child in turn..
They don't all get a turn
My son has one achievement certificate in 3yrs - Well Done for leaving our school
Yes he has challenging behaviour and ASD and yes his achievements are not the same as others but he does have achievements which, if not compared to his peer group, are massive...
Last week he showed empathy - he should have got a bloody medal never mind Star of The Week in addition to being moved up a group in swimming for breast stroke...
The message in his book wasn't even acknowledged
And they wonder why I feel he should be in Special School
When I was teaching I used to dislike SOTW but it was school policy so I did it. I kept a list and made sure each child got it once before another got it twice, as far as I could, but sometimes a child would "blow it" at the last minute and wouldn't get it for a few more weeks.
I tried to make sure that the other children appreciated why the star was chosen and it always had to be for something that happened in school. I know some schools reward outside activities but that wasn't our way.
There could only be one a week but from Christmas onwards parents would "have a word" because their child had yet to receive it. I always reassured then that their child's day would come but felt pressure from some of them to make it soon, which made a fair decision difficult sometimes.
One parent even went to the HT about it who told her she wasn't going to intervene as she knew I was always fair to all the children. There are far more important things going on and I wish schools would drop it altogether or have a star of the day instead.
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