AIBU in thinking this bed time is too late?

(41 Posts)
Snoozybird Fri 22-Nov-13 23:21:39

My DH's two youngest kids have both just turned 10 and 12 respectively. They are currently only just getting ready for bed, I know it's not a school night but I think it's too late (it's like this every weekend, they haven't stayed up for a special occasion). On school nights bedtime is technically 10.00pm but by the time they have faffed with teeth/being tucked up it's usually 10.15ish.

AIBU to think this is too late? DH says that when he was a child he didn't need much sleep so he doesn't want to force the kids to go to bed earlier, personally I would like some adult time and think it's about boundaries as much as anything...or am I being too harsh?

Canthaveitall Fri 22-Nov-13 23:23:35

YANBU.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Nov-13 23:27:59

IMO it is, but then what do I know? grin

I would say 10 is pretty late for a school day as well.

DD1 (13) has just gone to bed, but she's been out at something that's been planned for yonks, and she's definitely totally nackered.

I agree with you about having an evening as well.

JeanSeberg Fri 22-Nov-13 23:36:29

How often do they stay with you?

gobbin Fri 22-Nov-13 23:38:53

Waaaay too late.
I would say 8.30 upstairs for a 9.00/9.30 lights out during the week, maybe just an hour later on a Friday/Saturday.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Nov-13 23:40:34

grin at tucking them in for the night.

Snatchoo Fri 22-Nov-13 23:42:19

YANBU if it's for having some time with DH - but if they're not tired and grouchy all weekend surely it's not actually a problem?

Joysmum Sat 23-Nov-13 01:40:30

My 11 year old goes to bed at 9pm and the bedtime increases by 15 mins every birthday but reevaluated if she can't get up in the morning or starts waking up regularly way before she needs to

Weekends are mostly still 9pm but with the occasion very very late night if hubby is working away so we have a film fest and 'camp' on the sofa overnight.

The important thing is that she is able to get up in the morning without difficulty or being too tired during the day.

BowTieAndStraitjacket Sat 23-Nov-13 02:18:08

Way too late. DS is 8 and is in bed by 8 every night including weekends. By 10 it will probably be 8.30/9. By 12 it will be 9/9.30 at the very latest.

MiniMonty Sat 23-Nov-13 02:24:33

LOL - choose between a bedtime they love or academic success.
DS14 is in bed at nine, lights out at 9:30.
No mucking about.

You're not their best friend - you are the PARENT.
No Brainer.

Ericaequites Sat 23-Nov-13 02:44:32

When I started American high school at 14, I was allowed to set my own bedtime. After a couple of very sleepy mornings, I went to bed at a reasonable hour. Before that, it was lights out at 9-9:30 on school nights, and not much later on weekends.
Slumber parties are different, and oxymoronic. My parents let me host those in the famiky caravan with electric hookup and back door open at twelve or so. It's ideal, as the children are safe, but you can't hear all the rumpus.

intitgrand Sat 23-Nov-13 02:54:02

why does it matter on a friday might ? Wrt to school nights i don t know we have only got half a story. It depends on what time they have to get up and their individual sleep requirement for example it is a well documented fact that very intelligent children need less sleep

VioletStar Sat 23-Nov-13 03:09:39

Is that true Intitgrand? I thought the advice for kids that young was they do better academically with more sleep.
My two are 9 & 11 - school nights in bed by 8; teeth etc starts at 7.30 to allow for faffing. They read, but are generally asleep by 8.30 of their own accord. Weekends it's generally about an hour later but they pretty much self regulate. Still in bed by 9 though! (Unless doing something of course - any night). Not so stealthy boast: they couldn't be better academically grin

Do they need more sleep than they are getting at the moment? My dd is 9 and goes to bed at 8.30 and reads for half an hour but she's often still awake at 10pm, laying in the dark. She's just someone who needs less sleep. I did mention it to the doc a while back and he said that as long as she's not sleepy during the day, she's getting enough sleep. You cannot say that every 9 year old needs 9 hours sleep for example as some need more and some less.

If the dcs are getting enough sleep, maybe you can suggest an "upstairs" time of 9pm for example when they disappear to read or potter quietly in their rooms?

somersethouse Sat 23-Nov-13 04:13:23

That is the average time for a four year old here, in Spain! I am not joking about that.

YANBU, I think it is too late.

MintyChops Sat 23-Nov-13 07:54:28

Much too late, will they be knackered today?

Snatchoo Sat 23-Nov-13 08:04:48

Well my 12 year old DSS normally goes to bed at ten when he's here.

But that's not relevant is it because different children have different needs.

Every child needs a different amount of sleep, surely?

Dd is 15, she is normally in bed by 10pm during the week as is ds1 who is 14.
Weekends, she still goes to bed around the same time unless we/she is doing something in the evening.

Ds1 is often still downstairs when I go to bed at the weekend, he still gets up at 7.45am Saturday and Sunday for football, he has never suffered because of it.

But if dd went to bed at midnight, she would struggle all day to get up for drama on Saturday morning and would be pretty miserable all day.

I don't tell her to go to bed though, she knows how sleep she needs.

Snatchoo Sat 23-Nov-13 08:16:14

Sorry posted too soon!

When I was at school I never went to sleep before 11 although I read for at least an hour. I got nothing below a B in the 10 GCSEs I took so don't think I did so badly.

FraidyCat Sat 23-Nov-13 08:41:20

My 3.5 year old typically goes to sleep at roughly 9.30pm, though last night she was still awake at 10.30pm. That's assuming she's had her usual hour or two nap during the day, otherwise she's out like a light at 7pm.

She spends the later part of the evening playing/talking with mother and grandmother. Once she's asleep, in the same room they turn on bright light, loud radio/TV/ipad, chat loudly to each other, or relatives on Skype. She sleeps through all that.

I think she's getting enough sleep, as she would be grouchy if tired.

VikingVagine Sat 23-Nov-13 08:47:52

We were telling 11 yo DS to be in bed by 9, light out at 9:30, which he'd do no problem. Systematically we'd hear him say night night when we went to bed at 11; he just couldn't get to sleep. Now he still has to go to bed at 9, so DH and I can have some time to ourselves, but he's allowed to read for as long as he likes. The result is that he is always asleep by 10.

Snoozybird Sat 23-Nov-13 08:48:44

What triggered me last night was that DD (the 12yo) complained to DH at 9pm of feeling a bit under the weather. After a cuddle and some Calpol or whatever I thought maybe DH should suggest an early night, maybe sit with her in her room for a bit if need be? But no, it was nearly 11.30 by the time she was settled for bed.

When DH came to bed last night I asked how his DD was feeling and he said that she was ok, all the DC had been a bit headachey today and he expected they were overtired. I admit at this point I got into a bit of a strop sad

There are four DCs, we have them every Thu-Sun. The 12yo and 16yo are very hard to wake on a Friday morning and nearly always miss breakfast as a result (the 16yo will be in his room by 11pm but stays up playing ipad till 2am, I know this as he often wakes me up by clattering around getting ready to go to sleep). The 13yo is fine but he is more self-regulating and will often take himself upstairs before he has to. The 10yo will wake up at 5am if he goes to bed too "early" (e.g 9pm) so he stays up till 11pm but is tired the next day.

On a school day they need to get up around 7am.

BsshBossh Sat 23-Nov-13 16:27:49

My parents based my bedtime on the time I naturally woke up. If I couldn't get up by 7am then they insisted I went to bed earlier. At 10 my bedtime was fixed at 8.30; at 12 it was 9pm (that's lights out, no more talking/calling/getting out of bed). Sounds good to me.

puntasticusername Sat 23-Nov-13 16:40:07

YANBU. Your DH may well have been at the lower end of the sleep requirements spectrum at their age, but everyone's needs are different...

Jinty64 Sat 23-Nov-13 16:44:41

Ds3 (7) goes to bed at 9-930 on a school night and 930-10ish at the weekend. It's what he needs. He gets up between 6 and 7.

Oodmaiden Sat 23-Nov-13 16:58:57

Well, the average 10 year old needs 9 3/4 hours sleep, while by 12 it falls to 9 1/4. So if they need to get up for school by 7, that means a bedtime of around 9:30pm. At the weekend, I would say an hour or so later, because they don't need to get up so early. So I would think 10-10:30pm is not unreasonable on Friday and Saturday nights.

nb. If this makes the non accompanied evening too short for you, there is nothing to stop you instigating a rule of needing to be ready for bed and engaged in quiet activities in their bedroom an hour before sleep time...

foreverondiet Sat 23-Nov-13 19:47:42

I think re: adult time, can you not go to bed before them! I think 10pm probably ok for teenagers at weekend.

BenNJerry Sat 23-Nov-13 20:23:06

DSS (8) when he stays with us goes to bed at 10ish (this is weekends or school holidays though). I think at age 10-12 I went to bed at 9pm, although by 14 DM let me go to bed when I want. I always got up for school fine. It's amazing how little sleep I needed when I was a teenager - I'm knackered now if I'm not in bed by 10!

Snoozybird Sat 23-Nov-13 20:42:51

Glad to know general consensus is that IANBU. We can't go to bed before the DC because they're not very self-sufficient yet, so IMHO if they're "too young" to take responsibility for putting themselves to bed then they're too young to be staying up till gone 10pm on a school night and gone 11pm on a weekend! Especially as I can see they're tired and/or grumpy.

Frustrating as I can't do much about it (same rules at their mum's house too) but I have to live with the consequences.

pointyfangs Sat 23-Nov-13 20:53:13

While I think individual sleep requirements vary, there is a strong correlation between getting enough sleep and academic achievement. What 'enough sleep' is does depend on the individual DC, but if they're having trouble waking when they have to on a school day, that means there could be a problem.

Mine are 10 and 12 (though nearly 11 and 13) and they go up at 7.30, I still read to them because we all love it and then they read by themselves for a while with lights out between 8.15 and 8.30 pm. They get up at 6.45am on a school day, but on a weekend if left to sleep will go until 8am so I can only conclude they need a lot of sleep. They are both academic high fliers - who need a lot of sleep.

10pm on a school night really is too late though, as it 11.30 on a weekend. Quality sleep in terms of length and depth is important for brain development.

frogspoon Sat 23-Nov-13 21:02:01

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/sleep-children

According to this site, 10yo should be getting 10-11 hours (so to wake up at 7:00 go to bed at 8:00-9:00

12yo needs 8-9 hours so around 10:00-11:00 on a school night

Realistically I would say 9:00 for 10yo, and 10:00 for 12yo (start getting ready at 8:30/9:30)

Could make an hour later at the weekend as they don't need to get up early, so 10:00 for 10yo and 11:00 for 12yo.

If you want some adult time, send them up earlier and they can occupy themselves until lights out.

mummy1973 Sat 23-Nov-13 21:06:03

op - could you suggest they have some quiet time in their room? That way you still get an evening and they might not be sleepy but winding down?

Snoozybird Sat 23-Nov-13 21:27:08

The younger DC used to have quiet time starting around 8.45 on a school night and 9.45 on a weekend (which was still fairly noisy tbh!), eldest have always gone to bed between 10-11pm. However quiet time seems to have gone by the wayside over the last few months at both houses.

Sometimes I would just like to be able to settle for the night at say 10.30pm rather than know DH has to stay up till as much as an hour later, especially when he keeps nodding off on the sofa next to me. If I go to bed earlier by myself then DH wakes me up (not on purpose) when he comes to bed then I have trouble dropping off again.

As I said in my OP I also think it's about boundaries, if they were doing something special or constructive I'd understand but they're just on their PC or playing minecraft etc. As I type 10yo DS is next door watching Father Ted very noisily whilst the other DCs are on their consoles. Sorry but for me that's not a good reason to stay up late.

Mellowandfruitful Sat 23-Nov-13 21:28:38

Is there any mileage in trying to enforce an early night on the Thursday so they get up OK for school and being more relaxed the other nights/

Snoozybird Sat 23-Nov-13 21:46:39

Could try that but we would need to get their mum on board too as the kids need consistency on all school nights (two are ASD). Just wanted to know what was considered reasonable before pushing the point with DH.

DrCoconut Sat 23-Nov-13 22:08:20

ASD brings its own set of issues regarding sleep. It needs addressing as part of a bigger package rather than just setting a fairly arbitrary bedtime and having endless rows as you try to enforce it. DS1 has ASD and is 14yo. For him an early night is before midnight. Being in his room is ok but sleep is a much bigger problem.

Snoozybird Sat 23-Nov-13 22:27:28

The two youngest DC don't have ASD, just mentioned it to explain why bedtimes would need to be consistent across the two houses.

sparklysilversequins Sat 23-Nov-13 22:51:52

Depends what time they get up really. Ds is 10, goes to bed at 11, up at half 8, which is the recommended nine and half hours. If he goes any earlier he's just up and down to the toilet every ten seconds so there's no point. Dd is 7, she goes at 9 - 9.30, up at 8 so again getting 10.30 - 11 hours sleep, recommended amount. I do get a lot of SIOB about it in RL but it makes no sense to me, why do they need to go to bed earlier to just lay there?

sparklysilversequins Sat 23-Nov-13 22:53:31

They AREN'T ASD, they HAVE ASD.

FloozeyLoozey Sat 23-Nov-13 22:57:59

Ds, 7, usually stays up till between 10 and 11 at weekends. He'll sleep 10/11 hrs from whenever you put him to bed so has a lie in at the weekends (which I love, I'm not a morning person). Weekdays in bed for 9pm, as he gets up for 8am.

I agree having asd brings its own set of rules into the equation. Ds has autism and adhd and finds it extremely difficult to settle for bed. At 14 his normal bedtime is between 12 and 1am. Much the same as I was at his age.

You can't force a child to sleep but you can insist on quiet activity in their rooms.

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