To continue an unplanned pregnancy as a line parent?

(43 Posts)
Jamwidge Fri 22-Nov-13 23:12:28

I am 10 weeks pregnant, completely unplanned. I have 2 dcs already and my relationship with DP has been dreadful for a long time.

He is angry that I have not had a termination already. I am struggling to come to a decision but I am aware time is running out.

In my heart I want to keep this baby, I'm aware it will not be easy but I'm certain I could cope as a lone parent.

DP is furious that he gets no say in this decision, he was raging that they wouldn't let him in the room for my termination consultation, as he says it affects his life too so he should get to decide too.

I have made it clear that there is no way forward for us after this, whatever I decide to do.

He is laying it on thick that I am unreasonable, selfish to continue this pregnancy. That I should consider our other dcs and put them first. Also I am not respecting his wishes as he does not want another child.

I am trying to convince myself to get the termination, it appears the most sensible option, we can then split and I can concentrate on my dcs.

I feel guilty for wanting to keep this baby, when it's going to put extra pressure and stress on the family at an already tough time. DP says I am only thinking about myself and not considering anyone else and I am starting to believe him.

I am so stressed, please don't be unkind, I am just hoping for some advice.

WestieMamma Fri 22-Nov-13 23:16:23

In my heart I want to keep this baby

That is the only relevant part of your post. Be strong, don't let him bully you and protect your baby. flowers

Ouchmyhead Fri 22-Nov-13 23:18:06

You're obviously going through a rough time. I don't think my opinion will be the most popular here, and obviously it is your body and your decision.

However, you say there is no way forward for your relationship, so you would be bringing an innocent child into the middle of a breakup, to a father that doesn't want or, with 2 DC's who will need a lot of care and support if their parents are splitting up. Factor in practical things like changes in income, living arrangements and solicitors and, personally, I wouldn't want to bring a baby into that situation.

I hope I don't come across as harsh, this is just an outsiders perspective. You are the one that's pregnant and will have to live with your decision. Either way I can't see the road being easy. I wish you all the best.

FudgefaceMcZ Fri 22-Nov-13 23:18:26

YANBU. Please do what you choose and not listen to bullying and pressure from this childish, rude man. If he'd wanted no more children, he could have had a vasectomy before it got to this point. As it is, you are the one who is pregnant, you are the one who would give birth, you are the one who would deal with abortion- it's your choice, not his, and his only role should be to support you and the children who are both of yours regardless of whether he 'wanted' them ffs after choosing to have unprotected sex, it's not like they get to choose to have a father who is not a wanker so why should he get all the choices.

pasanda Fri 22-Nov-13 23:18:41

It is your body. He should have thought of those things when you had sex with the potential risk of pregnancy.

I can kind of see where he is coming from, in that he has no say and must feel totally helpless, but please don't let him pressure you in to something that you might regret later.

Follow your heart.

FudgefaceMcZ Fri 22-Nov-13 23:19:44

PS I have continued an unplanned pregnancy as a lone parent and I have not regretted it for a minute.

Your body...your choice. He made his choice when he decided to have sex. Even with contraception there is always a small risk you will fall pregnant...and as an adult he knows that.

Congratulations, I wish you all the best thanks

UrethraFranklin Fri 22-Nov-13 23:21:00

Do what you want to do.
It was the best decision of my life anyway smile

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 22-Nov-13 23:24:53

I feel guilty for wanting to keep this baby, when it's going to put extra pressure and stress on the family at an already tough time. DP says I am only thinking about myself and not considering anyone else and I am starting to believe him.

Dont feel guilty for that at all, and no your not just thinking about yourself, your thinking about a tiny life, that no matter what you choose, its not gonna be easy on you, dont do something you think you will regret.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 22-Nov-13 23:26:21

Also, if you do abort, he can forget about it and move on, it wont be as easy for you, because its your body, its gonna happen to you.

Tbh, hes being a bully.

Solasum Fri 22-Nov-13 23:26:55

You have children already, so your ideas of what they involve are realistic. You have already decided that you do not want to be with him for the rest of your life. But you have to be with Yourself. It is not something trivial you can pretend does not really matter. You say deep down you want this baby, and you are already thinking of him or her as a baby, not a pregnancy. I think that makes all the difference. It may have been unplanned, but you were both aware that sex, even protected, always carries some possibility of pregnancy.

You will make it work. Many congratulations!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 22-Nov-13 23:27:47

It's your choice jamwidge and you should shouldn't feel pressured either way by anyone. Think through the practicalities carefully and try to be as unemotional as you can (easy for me to say) and then decide what you would rather do.

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:28:49

Yes it's his baby, but it's yours too. You want the baby, you keep the baby.

eatriskier Fri 22-Nov-13 23:32:32

I've never been a person who has decided where they are owned abortion. It's an odd thing to say because I've had one. So I will say this:

If you don't want to get rid of it then don't. Yes it will be hard. Yes your ex will be a twat. But let's face it, he's being a twat anyway. Your dcs are going to go through upheavals. I love you know whether the prospect of a sibling will help that or not.

My xh pressured me into an abortion. I still regret it every day. It's only lessened by the two glorious faces I have created with dh. I never and still can't forgive my dh for is actions, and this is someone you will have to have some sort of relationship with in the end.

So sod him, think about what you really want. Weigh it up in the perspective of you and your kids and how you know your kids, not some bullshit she sprouts. Then decide.

freckledleopard Fri 22-Nov-13 23:32:52

I'd keep the baby. You say you want to have the child and can cope, so please don't let yourself be bullied. I'm a lone parent and having my DD is the best thing I've ever done.

xCupidStuntx Fri 22-Nov-13 23:34:00

Oh God I feel as if I was supposed to see this thread tonight. This time last year I found out I was pregnant, let me just say now that I was extremely pro choice and have been on marches and protests in my country (where it is illegal) to make it legal.

Anyway, I was in a long term relationship with a very young child. My partner was totally supportive but I knew he'd prefer me to have an abortion (though he wasn't HALF as vile as yours has been, he'd have supported me fully if I had kept the baby)

This is the first time I've ever written or talked in any capacity about my feelings because I'm so afraid that the pro life crew will use this as an opportunity to point out how wrong it is and how you'll be left regretting it for the rest of your life (I don't believe this at all and I'm venomously pro choice) however, I had the abortion out of laziness, stupidity, bad morning sickness, slightly veered because I knew DP (who is now ex DP) was more leaning towards not having it.
I regret it to be honest and I'm ONLY writing this because I think from what you've written too. If you were in different circumstances and had described things differently then I'd be giving you practical advice on where to go etc but I just feel you'll end up feeling worse than I do in a years time.

eatriskier Fri 22-Nov-13 23:35:19

Bloody tablet

I know, not I love

I can't forgive xh, not dh. Poor dh he's done nothing wrong (in my case)

mumToOne33 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:35:40

Yanbu. Don't let him bully you, you will live with your choice for the rest of your life. Follow your heart, if you want to keep your baby you should. A loving mother is all he/she needs. I say that as a happy lone parent :-) good luck xx

Bettercallsaul1 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:37:48

The biology of the situation means that it's always going to be the woman who makes the final choice in this situation as it is her body that is concerned, not the man's. The fact that it's your body means that you are the one influenced by hormones, which, at the moment, are urging you to keep and protect the baby inside you. Likewise, it will be you who will be left with the regrets if you allow yourself to be bullied into a decision that you don't want.

There are obviously practical difficulties ahead if you decide to continue with the pregnancy, and, I agree the situation is not ideal, but if, in the end it is what you want to do, don't feel guilty about following your feelings.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 22-Nov-13 23:38:40

Im also a lone parent, who consider an abortion even though i was with the dad at the time. My DD is the best thing ever and i would never change my mind if i could.

xCupidStuntx Fri 22-Nov-13 23:39:17

That was supposed to say I am extremely pro choice, not was.

Tikkamasala Fri 22-Nov-13 23:39:44

If in your heart you want your baby, then have it.

I say that as someone who has had an abortion in a situation where I thought I "had" to as it was the sensible option considering I would have been a lone parent and had very little money or support. I regret it every single day.

You sound like your mind is made up and I think YANBU at all, you can do it. It is your decision alone, do not let yourself be bullied.

Isabeller Fri 22-Nov-13 23:39:49

I am not against abortion Jam but I want to encourage you to follow your heart, continue your pregnancy and I hope you find a way to emotionally distance yourself from (sounds like STBX)DP.

Who am I to say I feel sure you will cope? I just have faith in you and your ability to make a good life for yourself and your children.

How old are your DCs? Have you got a good RL support network?

flowers

for the sake of honesty I should confess I am selfishly pregnant

Kyrptonite Fri 22-Nov-13 23:45:02

I was in this position. DP threatened me and everything. I stuck to my guns and DS2 is now 11 weeks old.

It was rough. We stayed together despite everyone on here telling me to ltb. We have worked it out, he adores DS2 it was the feeling of helplessness that got him. He couldn't participate in a decision that would impact on his entire life and he couldn't handle that.

Go with your gut. You know whether you can cope or not, you know whether it will be a positive thing for your DCs and you know what you want to do.

Best of luck with everything.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 22-Nov-13 23:48:09

you want this baby that is not going to change, things around you may change but you will be fine, your children will be fineit's hard being a single parent and hard going through a pregnancy on your own but will that matter in the future you will be fine

I don't think the argument about being pro life/choice really matters when you are pregnant and not wanting to carry on that pregnancy or when you do want to both feelings can be overwhelmingly strong and can not be ignored

please do not let anyone bully you into having a termination, I feel you know what you want to do it will be ok

TheBigJessie Sat 23-Nov-13 00:31:25

I am pro-choice. Choice is the operative word, there. Termination is supposed to be an option, not yet another duty laid on womenkind. I didn't and don't fight for reporoduction coercion in any form.

If you don't want an abortion, then you shouldn't have one. Good luck with everything, sweetheart.

Jamwidge Sat 23-Nov-13 19:04:00

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.
I have had a counselling session and they advised me to try and find someone to talk to other than DP, who can be impartial.

I don't really have anyone in real life I can talk to about this so it's really helped hearing another perspective, almost like I'm seeking permission to do what I want, rather than what I feel I should.

The atmosphere at home is dreadful and I'm completely stressed out about the whole situation, so your advice and support is really appreciated.

Mumof3xx Sat 23-Nov-13 19:07:34

I was in your shoes just over a yr ago

We now have our dd, we worked through it somehow and would not be without her

If he had left me though I still would have had her. And I would have been fine. As you will too

EXTERMINATEpeppa Sat 23-Nov-13 19:18:14

Im sorry OP.

Its your body, your choice, your decision and ultimately its only you to live with the consequences. I wish you luck OP.
I know what I would do but that is no use to you.

thanks

sillymillyb Sat 23-Nov-13 19:24:00

I have purposefully not read the other replies in case what I say is unpopular, but, for me, I can't get past, "In my heart I want to keep this baby"

My baby is 20 mo now, he is amazing and wonderful but the biggest, hardest challenge I have ever had to tackle. I have been on my own with him since becoming pregnant, and didn't have an abortion like his father wanted. Honestly, I look at him and it scares me to the point of not being able to catch my breath, that I even contemplated abortion.

Your family is going to change drastically no matter what seeing as you can't see a future with your husband, so that means tackling the future in the best way for you and your children. If you took him out the picture completely, what would you want for you and your dc's?

I wish you strength, and courage. If you do this alone, it will be hard but wonderful. If you decide not to proceed, do it for the right reasons because it is right for you and not your husband.

Good luck x

pianodoodle Sat 23-Nov-13 19:31:50

YANBU

So sorry your partner is being like this. He isn't the one who would have to put himself through the medical procedure of a termination.

It isn't something to do lightly and definitely not under sufferance unless it's what you really want.

If you don't really want to then of course you shouldn't x

popmusic84 Sat 23-Nov-13 19:39:34

Your two existing children will not be harmed by keeping the baby. If you want the baby keep it. All the best.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 23-Nov-13 19:44:06

I think a termination is out of the question. You want this baby and you will regret is every day of your life.

pointyfangs Sat 23-Nov-13 20:16:01

You want this baby. That is really all that matters. You know what you are letting yourself in for, you know you will cope - that's all you need right there. Go with your heart.

I'm as pro choice as all hell, but the choice should be yours, not coerced by your partner.

JinglingRexManningDay Sat 23-Nov-13 20:36:28

I am pro choice. Exactly that. It is your choice to make. Not your DPs,not your friends,not your parents.
If you want a termination that is fine,if you want to keep it that's fine too. I wish you luck OP with whatever you decide.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 23-Nov-13 20:45:12

The law says the choice lies with the women.

There are good and bad points and only you can decide. I would echo what ouchmyhead says, your DC are going to need a lot of emotional support when you split and may blame it on the baby. You will have three children and an adults to support on one salary and on top of that if he rejects the child then he may choose not to see he/she and all the emotional baggage that will bring.

jellybeans Sat 23-Nov-13 21:00:25

I would keep the baby and have been in similar situation except it was my first baby and I was a teenager. No regrets and everything worked out in the long run. Never have a TOP if you are unsure.

Morloth Sat 23-Nov-13 21:26:10

You should be thinking about you.

You are the one that is pregnant and you will be the one who is doing yhe work.

Keep the baby and get rid of your DP.

Hr sounds like much harder work than a baby.

Abrahamlincolnsghost Sat 23-Nov-13 21:29:14

This is emotional abuse. You need to get help and support.

Contact womens aid. He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive.

SicknSpan Sat 23-Nov-13 22:03:56

Jamwhich what a hard decision to have to make. thanks

My sister was in a similar situation about 2.5 years ago. After a lot of heartache and soul searching she decided to continue the pregnancy, knowing she would be a lone parent and that it would mean massive changes in lifestyle for both her older children and her. My amazing dd is now a gorgeous nearly 2 year old and whilst it is undoubtedly hard for them they are all happy.

The reason there was a lot of soul searching is because she felt similarly to you- her heart said keep the baby but her head had some concerns. Plus her stbx was pressuring her into terminating. She now says that she reasoned with her head to reach the conclusion but that she knows her heart would always have felt the same.

What I'm trying to say is that it sounds like the feeling in your heart is stronger than the voice in your head - don't ignore your gut instinct.

Holamum Sat 23-Nov-13 22:18:31

Although he says he doesn't want the baby now, he may change his mind when the baby arrives.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. She kept the baby, he left her, and then he came back. They tried to make it work being happy families, but she had severe post-natal depression and was very ill, and basically struggled to cope (not that that will happen to you). The relationship (which was fragile) broke down, and he fought tooth and nail to be the main carer, and because of her depression, he won.

The irony is that although her ex didn't want a baby in the first place, he is now a single parent himself. It's unlikely that will happen to you, but point is sometimes men don't know what they want... It is a different kettle of fish when a baby arrives.

foreverondiet Sat 23-Nov-13 23:00:22

You have to do what you feel is right for you (and your DC) and not for him. Sounds like you want to have it, and if thats what you want then thats the right answer. Remember that even if you have the baby you could give it up for adoption (I know not everyone could do this, but if thats possible it leaves you more time to decide).

I think would be good to find someone to talk to in RL.

shezzle Sat 23-Nov-13 23:19:02

I couldn't read this without replying to you OP. Many years ago when I was 18 I fell pregnant and although I didn't have other children and I wasn't married, my partner at the time seems to have been in the same frame of mind as yours. Fast forward 21 years and I now have 3 DC's the oldest of which is 21. I met and married my now DH 8 years on after having DD1. We are a strong and very,very happy family.( we still have the grumps and gripes any normal couple have-not perfect!) Sometimes I think about what life would have been like had I made a different decision and I can't imagine it without DD1. It wasn't easy in the early days it was bloody hard. The thing which made me carry on was that I was in control of my own destiny and that of my child. If you feel in your heart you want to keep your baby then do so. I am completely on the same side with any woman who decides otherwise as all of our lives are so very different and we cannot live in each others shoes,so sometimes you need to be extremely brave in order to not continue with a pregnancy if life would be to hard to cope with. I hope you are okay, try very hard to make your decision quickly and get on with the rest of your life, no matter what you decide. flowers

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