dp and I arguing re pil(75 Posts)
Hiya anyone who takes a look and those who chose to give me advice (if any) this is my first post but I have been using mnet regularly (have actually found it quite addictive).
I will try and be brief but not drip feed. I have been with partner for 9 years, I am a sahm to our dd1. My partner works full time long hours etc.
My problem is I think my pil are taking the piss. They turn up whenever they want, stay for 3/4 hours at a time (live ten mins away) they visit approx 2x per wk and I am getting bloody fed up with everything tbh. They cook while they are here (bring own lunch) they do not cook for me/offer to cook for me and my mil is always kind enough to leAve my the dishes to clean up. Even if my kitchen is spotless (i have tested this a few times and she always leaves them for me. She is a good grAn I general however there have been issues in the past which make me dislike her however I always put a smile on my face and make a huge effort to make everyone feel welcome s/heal bad feelings since my daughter was born. This has worked well and we get on well however i am getting annoyed that she/they stay for so long!!
I do not have a problem with my parents/friends/sil/sis length of visits as they dont do this.
I am annoyed at partner as he doesnt want to say anything to his parents.partner thinks its only one/twice week deal with it. Problem is he has never wanted to bring any issue with his mum or dad (strange family) I even had to tell his mum not to come visiting our home when she has had a drink when daughter was 8 weeks old after she turned up (pre arraged) drunk as a skunk.
If you have made it this far thank you! I would like to know if u think aibu as my man does. Do you think these visits are too long? Am I bu?
I think that its very impolite to bring food and not offer you any - then not clear up after yourself... Can you disable the cooker or microwave when they come or something and say 'sorry its not convenient' - or simply have it out with them?
YANBU - That would drive me mental. I would start a clear "We need to talk about boundaries" chat.
Can you suddenly have a very busy social life and just not be home ? I would even be so desperate to be out on a very long walk !
Do they ring and ask if it is convenient? Or just turn up?
Thanks for replying. I am not very good with confrontation therefore when they started bringing food/leaving dishes I dropped a few hints such as always having a clean sink/mentioning that we use the kettle for washing dishes and i have just boiled it etc. She just ignores really. I am actually normally out of the house quite often however they ways appear when im bloody home! His mum brought over a pair of her slippers (to live here) :-o I thought u are too bloody comfortable in my home!
Sorry for typing errors mobile tphone pita.
Thanks for making me smile mistlethrush i wish i had the bottle for disabling the oven lol she doesnt use microwave (mores the pity)
I wouldn't be as polite as you! It's your house! Tell them to bugger off!
Leeds2 its a bit of both. They turn up out of blue sometimes (when were dtd etc) and knock, call and look in front window if we dont answer :@ sometimes they ask to come over tbh I dont mind them visiting but I wish it wasnt sooo bloody long/hassle.
Slippers!! She is seriously taking the piss. You need to get your OH to say something and soon. At this rate they'll be moving in before too long.
Fifi669. I wish I could do this and probably would to some extent with my family however I feel so ucomfortable having to be so rude to his parents. I feel like what there doing is rude however I feel like I have allowed this to go on so they just do it anyway. Any suggestions on how to cut down visiting length?
I know its a cop out but EVERY TIME they turn can you pretend to just be on the way out?
Only twice a week?! That's a lot of visits! If you're husband isn't going to sort it out then you'll have to get used to a bit of confrontation.
If they ring in advance, tell them it's not a good time.
If they don't ring in advance, tell them it's not a good time and could they ring ahead next time they want to visit to avoid a wasted journey.
Throw out the slippers. If MIL ask you where her slippers are, say they must be in her house as there's no reason why they'd be in YOUR house.
I asked him today to say something and he doesnt want to. It is actually annoyingly the. .... Out of me. Dunno if u can swear on mn but I get what I mean. He thinks aibu as its only coupleof times wk etc. I am home anyway, if they turn up and I am out they will have to deal with it. Problem is if I am out then they phone me and wait outside my house until I am home! I think partner is a tit who would never say a word to upset his pp. I love him, he is a great dad and partner. This is my only bugbear with him and its always been a issue with us tbh he wont ever tell them there wrong etc
So, your dh reckons you should "just deal with it." How would he get on with it if your parents descended on him when he was home alone with you not there? Would he sit around making polite conversation all day? I think not!
123rd I think I might be coming to that point very shortly.
Thatstoast I feel like its a lot of visits as well.
I have slippers at both my DC's houses...
I don't get it. If you don't want them, tell them it's not convenient as you're just going out/expecting friends and it would be far better if they phoned to check first.
As to the cooking in your kitchen - again, just tell them it's not on!
Could you occasionally go to theirs (keeping the visit short) to sort of pre-empt them?
If you're out - tell them you don't know what time you'll be home and it's not convenient!
Put your foot down.
Two times a week is actually quite a lot! If your parents decided twice a week was ok to, that's four days a week of visitors straight away! I love my parents to bits but that's too much and the looking through the window, etc would pee me right off. I second saying your heading out when they come in and if they ring first say it's not the right time. Not saying cut them out completely but rather fit it round when it suits you and the kids. I would never dream of just assuming I could turn up and taking their own food is just crazy!
Answer the door with your coat on saying "oh dear I'd invite you in but I'm just on my way out".
If they're waiting at your house when you get home "oh dear I'd invite you in but I've only popped home to pick up my bank card/go to the loo/feed the cat".
If you do let them in "I'm sorry, I've got to go out in half an hour", then after 20 minutes "it's been nice to see you but I'm really going to have to get ready to go out now, here are your coats" whilst ushering them out the door.
You don't have to be rude, you don't need to cause an argument, you just need to be firm. It's that easy.
Why do they bring their own food to cook?
Is that not really weird? And slippers??
Clam you are bang on and thats exactly what I said to him, he said he has to spend time with my family/friends. Thing is my side are considerate. Thank god.
Nanny0gg I have tried to visit theres for example on sunday afternoon we stayed for an hr. They arrived Wednesday (arranged) spend the whole day here and turn up today gain unarranged.
I have also suggested a few times to txt or call first as we are busy/have plans etc. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesnt!
Nanny0gg they also still come in/stay when friends are here or expected lol thanks for your suggestions sorry if I came accross of the defence there I do appreciate your comments :-)
Waltermittymissus what a nAme lol. They like meat (red) I do not therefore I dont have any for them to eat (plenty of other food though) thats the best way to expLain your question as I also find it weird.
Just ask them politely to leave after an hour?
What happens when you do that?
"Anyway it's been lovely having you over but I must get on so I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, see you soon!"
Much easier said than done but you need to do SOMEthing!
Don't worry, living.
They're obviously very thick skinned. So you're just going to have to learn the word 'No'!
Turn the heating off every time they turn up. Drive the fuckers out.
Saucyjack that made me laugh ta. Good idea if I didnt have baby :-)
They are obviously thick skinned so just keep relaying your point? You are going to have to be the strong one here op, as it's affecting you, and obviously your DH isn't going to do anything about it.
I don't see why you have to pretend to be out at all. Answer the door and don't even let them over the threshold (keep the kids in the living room so they don't start shouting Granny!) :
"Hello, thank you for calling round, but I'm sorry, it's really not convenient to invite you in at the moment, we are in the middle of things. We'd love to see you later in the week/next week. Please do call back on xxx. At about x o clock? DP should be home by then, he hates missing you visit. By the way, you left these here last time you came (proffer slippers in carrier bag that have been waiting by the door) you must be missing them. Take care now - bye!"
Shut the door and breathe! It's rude to just turn up unannounced at someone's home and expect you to entertain them for hours. It's not rude to politely explain that you cannot entertain.
You have then given them a specific time to turn up. If they ignore this just remind them again if they turn up at the door:
"ooh hello, what a surprise. You've rather caught me on the hop. Didn't we say xxxxday? When dh is home? Sorry, I must get on."
Like training a puppy.
The food thing is VERY strange. That's why I would try and arrange their visits when your DH is there. So he can see for himself
and you could beggar off out for a pretend aerobics class
Nanny0gg I am giving up smoking on monday and I am pretty sure I will defo be saying the word no or me and princess are going a walk goodbye.
I will have to otherwise I wont have any hair left. Thick skinned is a great word for them :-)
Perhaps you should be as rude to them as they are to you.
'No, you can't come in, I'm just about to do some work/gardening/stuff'.
'You left your slippers (hand her them in a tesco bag)'
'You forgot to do your washing up'
'Hi, if you want to cook can you go home please, it's incredibly rude to cook your food in someone else's house without actually asking them'.
'Your son isn't home til 6, and we are just about to go out, I'll tell him you called round'.
'Oh hi, what are you doing hanging round here for, hubby is at work and won't be home til 6, I'll tell him you called. No it's not convenient right now, I have stuff to do' go in and shut the door.
If you actually stop them from waltzing into your house without clearing it with you first, and always defer to 'your son isn't here, I'll tell him you called for him', and never let them in then they will soon stop turning up.
And you need to tell your husband that he needs to be there when they come, and tell them to arrange it with him and stop dropping themselves into your day without asking. It is incredibly rude, and is becoming a huge issue.
You really need to set the boundaries and grow the balls your dh is lacking around them. Or accept it. They're you're options.
My mil lives just down the road. She still calls at least 30m ahead to ask if it's OK to come round. Reading these threads and having delay with xmil I often let her know she is fantastic.
Xmil was a different story. And a major factor I why she is x
Is it really so bad to have slippers at your DC's house? Even if you only visit once a month?
Shoes often aren't allowed and I hate cold feet!
Wally your message made me :-) thank u.
You are right it will have to come to a point where I do that but I dont want toand agree that I shouldnt have to be out etc.
Just going to have to grow a pair
nanny I think it's a by family thing. My ils take slippers round for family days so they're comfy. My family just wore thicker socks if they suspected your house may be colder. One of my aunts had a pretentious brand of slippers available for guests at all times... Horses for courses and all that.
Nanny0gg. For me I want everyone to be comfortable so the slippers arent a prob tbh. Its the prob that she has them here because she is stayin so long!iyswim My heating is sitting at 21.
Also nanny u are on mnet therefore unlikely to make mil/pil mistake/liberties.... Not sure of the best word.
Surely the solution is flaming obvious.
Turn up at their house at 10am during the day cook yourself a meal use every single pan pot and tray as well as cutlery,leave the mess spread across the kitchen burn stuff into the pans.
Do not clean up a thing.
Then put their heating up and open a few windows, also leave dirty underwear on their bathroom floor but do not leave,as it comes towards your bedtime just crash out in the living room with your feet up on the furniture.
When you do decide to leave just before you leave say "its not nice when someone does it to you is it"
Nannyogg - I would love to have a granny for my DS, and I wouldn't have a problem with slippers in the house. But I bet you are a lovely granny like mine who would have asked first, or had them bought for her by the GDC.
This woman is imposing herself on her DIL without even asking first.
I bet you don't act in the same way....
I do try Wally.
And I don't think I impose - tbh I wouldn't dare...!
I would perhaps start saying to them that you're very sorry but you have plans/a guest coming over and it isn't convenient. Do it at the door so they can't get too settled. Not every time. Just enough for them to register that camping out at yours isn't a given.
they live ten minutes away
hide the frypans etc and tell 'e, to go home and cook
what are they like at their home ? messy / clean ?
im with socks [big grin]
My mil and pil tried this. They came round unannounced, dh had taken the dc out for the morning and they were really pissed off it hadn't been cleared with them first " in case they wanted to come round" they live 10 mins away - big mistake.
I was busy and just carried on what I was doing upstairs. They sat at the kitchen table then left. Dh said " didn't you make them a drink and chat?" And I said no, you took the the dc out so I could have some time, not spend it with your parents who we see too much of anyway"
They came round again and I was ironing in my pants in the kitchen. They just burst in. Mil thought it was hilarious. It was then I discovered dh had given them a key as often I didn't hear them and they couldn't get in
Next time they just rock up, put some house or rap on loudly and refuse to turn it off. Also say " if you cook, can you do something for me and clear up- otherwise its a real pain"
But perhaps when they leave just say " thanks for dropping by - I'll see you on X - I'll be busy until then." And if they ignore you and just turn up, say " I'm sorry, I can't let you in, my boundaries counsellor is here"
And get back on mn
Your pil are unbelievable. Get that key back. Allow them round twice a month and no cooking. Put your foot down. What a pair of piss takers.
There are too many issues. So trying to turn the temperature down, hiding the pans, trying to pretend you were just going out (v difficult with baby) is too hard.
You are going to have to speak to them. Did you say they call round then stay all day?
I think you are going to have to say that although you love to see them that you want them to come on X day and Y day for no longer than two hours, and that you don't want them visiting at meal times, so 2pm is best.
End of. And they shouldn't have a key. You will have to ask for it back. There will be fallout, but imagine the future, when DILs turn up when you want for as long as you want and you can actually spend that time enjoying chatting and being with them, instead if seething like now.
Just say you like your privacy if they query it. If you try to discuss it you will just be shamed into feeling guilty and persuaded to be less strict.
You have many years ahead of you of living with them, better to lay down some rules now.
"My boundaries counsellor is here"? Awesome! Love that!
OP, you have to 'woman-up' love! Be firm and bugger the consequences. This has gone way past too far.
Give the slippers back, no cooking in your house, they can go home and Cook, go out if they turn up, and refuse to let them in if they wait for you.
Yes it'll be hard to start standing up for yourself, but once you do start, it will get easier.
How about..they turn up, you let them in. Then after an hour
how ever long you can bear you just say something like, "I'm afraid I need to ask you to leave now as DC and I have arranged to meet up with friends and we need to leave in five minutes".
Then proceed to gather coats, hats, changing bags, pushchairs (general DC stuff depending on age) and moving towards the door.
From what you say MIL is the leader and FIL just follows along. I would make an arrangement to go and see them in their home (hopefully with no kids). Just tell them that they cannot come to your house UNINVITED. Say coming round twice a week with food to cook has to stop. End of. I'm sorry but after living in the USA for over a decade I realised how much we Brits will turn ourselves into knots rather than state what we want/don't want clearly and firmly. You don't have to apologize or say endless "sorries".
Your DH is well-trained by PIL (mostly by Mum it sounds like) and cannot even recognize decent boundaries so will also have to learn from your example. They most likely will be shocked and horrified and you will be the terrible DIL, but the alternative is to continue to be railroaded by them - and it will only get worse.
They are of course being unreasonable!
I also hate confrontation so wouldn't want to say anything. I'd probably develop an amazing social life AWAY from the house and after a while they may just get bored?
However my immediate reaction is can you try and use them while they are there? Are they coming to see dc? (I have no family around and am always behind on my housework with two toddlers in tow) I'd pretty much just carry on with what I was doing and use them as free babysitters if they are insisting on being there anyway, get all my housework done so when they go I can concentrate on time with the kids. Or even say "while you are here in just popping out to do some shopping" if they are rude and inconsiderate I don't see why not (obviously this isn't how I'd treat real invited guests in my house!)
i think they are totally unreasonable, but think your dp needs to be the one to say " lovely for you to see the grandchildren but please can you call first to arrange and avoid nap times" (e.g lunch, possibly avoiding bringing lunch scenario/ or tackle that head on Too?)
not that i wish defend them at all but i wonder if they are taking advantage of the free cooking facilities and enjoying your centrally heated home!
Oh poor you.
My il's were just the same, it drove me a bit bonkers. I didn't really handle it all very well and tended to be grumpy / unfriendly when they rocked up.
They also liked to visit when DH was busy or out and I was expected to allow them in and make tea etc. they never really came to see me just the baby.
We had to leave keys in the door to stop them letting themselves in.
It all ended in tears and resentment, they thought they should be allowed access to their grand child as they wished. I couldn't cope with living on a knife edge waiting for them to turn up. I am definately not a popper, I do not like unexpected guest at all. It is selfish to rock up at someone's house and disrupt their day.
I was very annoyed with my DH, he did eventually have the awkward conversations with them but by god he made it all look like it was my fault. I still resent how weak he was when I needed all his support. He needed to be the "bad" guy and pull them in to line. They had crossed all my boundary lines, it made me very unhappy and he needed to address that.
Pil should visit when DH Is home to play host, my Dh was just like yours I think he though I was mean. ( never in a million years would he host my parents) go figure.
I did all of the " oh we're just going out", they just came back. They will sit outside the house waiting for you. They didn't leave with gentle hints either. They would go past and if I had guests would complain at not being invited.
Basically your going to need to tell them clearly. Personally I think your DH should but I bet he won't. Something along the lines of " this isn't working for me anymore, I need my week to myself, I'm super busy at the moment. Obviously your very welcome to visit when DH is home and can call him to arrange weekend visits."
They will hate you regardless, best to be happy yourself.
When you see them pull up in the car, spray Mr. Muscle oven cleaner in the oven
I don't think DP can stand up to them properly, and anyway, they will presume you have set him up to it. If you do it you can still assure them they are lovely GPs or that DC loves them or whatever to soften the blow.
You have decades ahead of you of IL relationship better to deal with it now once and for all. In the long run it will be better for you all.
Are you going back to work op?
Just wondered if that wil naturally deal with this.
I agree with another poster (sockrocket?)
Turn up at theirs with your lunch which needs heating up, all the baby gear (pop up travel bed) put your feet up, with slippers of course. stay all day, use all the pots and pans, make a mess do nothing, crank up the heating, tell them you had a lovely day and you will need a key cutting, see you tomorrow. and repeat, maybe add that its saving you a small fortune staying at theirs.
I suspect it wont be long before your dh gets acall saying how rude YOU are.
let us know how you get on!
I agree with PTFO just go ahead and treat their home like a hotel. Give them a taste of their own medicine, they will get annoyed with it after a while and hopefully see that their own behaviour is atrocious!
You need thick net curtains if they are window-gawpers. Can you pin a note to from door saying 'no uninvited callers please, I am meditating' and then ignore all attempts by them to visit. Then, when they bitch cos they tried to visit claim to have been in a tranze.
Repeat without note from then on.
I think you need to speak to them directly. This would drive me insane. Surely the resentment over time will affect your relationship with them more than dealing with it now.
They are taking the piss, I know NO-ONE .who would ever think this is acceptable in someone else's home.
Your dh should also support you with this.
As an immediate fix, set an alarm on your phone that sounds like a ring tone. Then when it goes off you can 'answer' and make your excuses!
Tbh, they don't sound like they catch on to things very well so I don't think all the tip toeing round them trying to get them to take the hint will work now I think about it. They sound so wrapped up in what's conveniant for them they won't notice any subtle hints. I think you are just going to have to say something like, "Look I don't mind you visiting, it's lovely you get to spend so much time with the kids but you simply must phone or text before you visit as sometimes I AM busy or on my way out and can you please make sure you clean up after yourself? As you remember, young kids are hard work and I don't need to be cleaning up extra dishes on top of my already busy day. Thanks." Try writing a letter if it helps!
I had this with my in laws, it was around once a week though and like yours they didn't care if my DH was there or not, it was like they were entitled to see our DS when they wanted and that was that, funnily enough MIL used to whinge on that her own MIL did the same thing for the short time that they lived in the same place as their family and she hated it.
I outright told them once that I didn't like the 'popping in' and it still didn't stop. They used to look through the window too or go round the back of the house so there was no hiding place! In the end what worked was we moved house where our living room is at the back and they can't look into it + they can't get round the back of the house. It was one of the main factors of buying the house haha. The other thing which helped is they now have another GC which has taken the focus right off.
YANBU. This is not reasonable behaviour on their part. How can they think it is acceptable to waltz into your home and start cooking food for themselves and leave you to clean up after them?
Don't know what to advise you to do, but it sounds like hints won't work anyway, so some plain speaking will be required. If your partner doesn't see anything wrong with it, it sounds like you will have to say it to them.
Tell them you don't want meat in the house!
If it weren't winter I'd suggest taking up naturism as a hobby. If that doesn't get rid of them then they definitely won't take hints [g
Perhaps if you sit your partner down, explain what the issue are and inform him that you ARE going to broach this with his parents, he might be spurred into handling?
Could you let them in, say you have to go out and leave them there to mind DC? Give you a bit of a break, plus they'd get to see DC, cook what they like etc without getting in your way.
Also, if you're going back to work sometime soon then they won't be able to just pop in all the time. And if you're a SAHM long-term (like me!) then you'll just have to develop a great list of toddler groups, library visits etc to deflect them.
YANBU, and you wouldn't BU to tell them to feck off. It's your house, your space and time they are eating up. I know they are DH's parents, but he isn't there to face them.
It's okay if they are helping you out, but making clutter, dirty dishes etc just is rude.
You could, perhaps, let them in and hand them dc and then do the cleaning etc - you don't need to make them any tea or anything as they clearly can't be bothered to even ask you if you want food.
I would also be VERY tempted to take something REALLY strongly smelling, turn up at lunch time, waltz in, try to use as many pans as possible and spread the cooking smell around as much as possible and waltz out with dc when you fancy...
Agree with Thistle also, maybe kippers would be appropriate along with lots of side dishes to incorporate lots of their pots and pans. Make sure you make spillages & do not wash-up, let the fishy odours fill the very air they breath. It will take them days to get rid of the smell
The clearing up after themselves is the easy bit, just tell them to do it. " I don't mind you using the kitchen as long as you clear up afterwards"
If they are going to drop in & stay for hours then why not use them as babysitters & go & do something for yourself, shopping, a trip to the library, a long soak in the bath.
Failing that you might just have to move house.
Don't answer the door or phone. Don't return home if out. Stay out as ling as you can. Spend a few weeks totally avoiding them. Then eventually text and ask them to set a regular weekly visiting time as life has got so hectic recently.
They sound a complete nightmare
Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to comment I havent had a chance to write bck.
Dp and I had a frank conversation and I told him he was taking the piss expecting me to put up with this shit. He agreed as he would not be happy to be the sahp and putting up with pil a day.
I am going to introduce a new house rule of visiting hours are no longer than 2 hours. I Am going to announce this when I next see them and tell them I am feeling visitors say too long and there are always visitors.
I loved the ideas to stink the pil house out.... Unfortunately I am too polite for that.... Also I really dont want to spend any more time than necessary with them.
The dishes I can deal with.
Thanks again all x
nannyog my mum keeps a pair of slippers here and the dcs get them out ready for her when they know she is coming over
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