Dealing with awful passive aggressive MIL

(180 Posts)
YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 13:57:46

Basically to cut a long story short, DH & I have been married for 3 years & I have had ferocious issues with MIL.... She treats me completely differently to my 2 SIL's, she treats them with respect, talks highly of them &whenever I call over always happens to say they call these days, were over for dinner etc however I am never invited.

Dh has 3 brothers & my dd was the first girl in the family for over 100 years,rather than being doted on by grandma she keeps making the point she never wanted a girl, only wanted one to "dress up", all men want a son much more than a woman wants a daughter etc etc.... Its ridiculous & petty plus we were delighted to have a healthy child we didn't care about gender & we worship our little princess who is named after my mom & my grandmother which did not go down too well....

She wore a white maxi dress & hat to my wedding...

Tries to pick an arguement with me when ever she can..

Hates my mom coming up to spend time with my daughter & hates me going home to my moms

Dh has tried to speak to his father about it but the bottom line was I was being oversensitive.... Dh knows I'm right though so no point in going down that route again..

I feel the only way to cope is to avoid her & not leave her know whats going on in our lives... We only live 10 mins away. I used to really try & make the effort but it seemed the more I tried the more power she felt she had & would use it to belittle me & make me feel incompetent... So now I feel the less she sees of us as a family the better...

Also I am expecting dd2 & after dd1 was born & named after my mom we told MIL dd2 if she ever arrived would be named after her.... We have now decided to use 2 names we both love & not use her name at all even for middle name, I have to take a stand & I'm no longer accepting being treated like an outsider & an imbicile... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

SuburbanRhonda Thu 21-Nov-13 14:03:01

The bit that stuck out to me was promising to use MILs name for DD2, then reneging.

That is not going to go down well, I'm guessing.

Other than that, yes, definitely give her a wide berth, but don't cut her out completely. Especially if she only lives ten minutes away - that could get very awkward!

IMO you don't need any advice because you're already handling her beautifully. She sounds dreadful so minimal contact and not sharing much personal / family info with her is exactly the right approach. As the mother of 2 DDs I'd be similarly appalled about any hint of them being treated as 2nd class citizens. Keep her at arm's length and absolutely no to using her name for DD2.

Nanny0gg Thu 21-Nov-13 14:08:03

Also I am expecting dd2 & after dd1 was born & named after my mom we told MIL dd2 if she ever arrived would be named after her.... We have now decided to use 2 names we both love & not use her name at all even for middle name, I have to take a stand & I'm no longer accepting being treated like an outsider & an imbecile

There is no point in offering advice really, because if you do the above it will pretty much finish any chance of any relationship I would think.

So, as long as your DH is on board and that's what you want to happen then the decision is made.
Sorry.(and congratulations on your pregnancy!)

Lulu1083 Thu 21-Nov-13 14:10:47

Stuff that surburban, she doesn't want granddaughters why on earth should OP name one after her?

She sounds so difficult, and if any member of my family moaned about the gender of my children I would have suggested they needn't see them!

YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 14:12:36

Thank you for the advice, apparently she had some form of gender disappointment after her 4th son was born so tries to make me feel like a failure to my husband (who absolutely worships our dd & is absolutely thrilled she's having a sister!!). Btw noone knows we are having another dd except dh & I & the lovely ladies on mn!!! Since I announced my pregnancy all she keeps saying I hope its a boy my son deserves a son, all men want a boy!!!!

My mom lives 4 hours away but gets the train up to us every second week & I go home alot too. My mom is 10 years older than MIL(but a v young, active 70 yo & she is always making comments about how my MIL should be slowing down at her age & is she up again etc.... Also my mom retired as a nurse 5 years ago, she was a midwife so her advice is invaluable however MIL didn't work she belittles my mom saying no woman worked in her day, it was selfish to leave the family home!!

Also she favours the other grandkids, comments on how much clothes & toys my dd has. Last time we were over she asked other SIL's what their kids wanted for xmas & made a point of saying my dd has everything & wouldn't be needing much.....

sparechange Thu 21-Nov-13 14:13:16

IMO you don't need any advice because you're already handling her beautifully.

This. And the not naming DD2 after her, so what! After her comments about DD1 being a disappointment to her, she doesn't deserve to have DD2 named in her honor.
Frankly, I wouldn't want to be reminded her my nasty MIL every time I said my DD's name, so I don't blame you at all for not wanting to give them the same name!

Sounds like your DH is wonderfully supportive, so let her play her silly games and enjoy your lovely family

MrTumblesKnickers Thu 21-Nov-13 14:14:13

"We have now decided to use 2 names we both love & not use her name at all even for middle name"

Uh oh ... I forsee WWIII over this one! Are you sure you can't use it as a middle name?

As for the rest, try and rise above it, as hard as it is. If she's so unpleasant why would you want to go round there for dinner anyway? And don't give her so much info about your mum coming round etc. Fuel to the fire.

kat0406 Thu 21-Nov-13 14:15:38

I have to say I would agree - to have a child named after you would be an honour, and one I would expect that she wouldn't even appreciate! I am so glad you have your DH on board, otherwise it could be a nightmare. You are right in keeping contact to a minimum, life is hard enough without people like that in it!

HappyCliffmas Thu 21-Nov-13 14:20:30

Just respond very calmly every time she says something silly. So when she says that DD won't need much for Christmas, reply with "yes, she's very lucky and she gets lots of lovely presents from the people that love her". If she starts up with the whole boy nonsense then a firm "what a strange thing to say! Anyway it's our baby and we'll be happy with a girl or a boy so nothing for you to worry about."

You don't have to be rude, just firm. Make sure that your DH backs you up and apart from that just avoid her where possible.

kotinka Thu 21-Nov-13 14:21:18

I think mil sounds jealous and insecure. I feel a bit sorry for her. but I can see she must be tough to live with.

have you ever tried to talk to her yourself about feeling you're treated differently?

I would pull her up straight away on any negative comment about girls in future. she'll then realise she can't get away with that in front of you.

its totally up to you how you name your second child but it will give her ammunition if you renege on a promise.

also, remember the pregnancy hormones, there's a good chance you feel much more strongly right now about all her silly attention seeking antics than you will in 2 years time.

HappyCliffmas Thu 21-Nov-13 14:22:02

Re: the name - if she kicks off about you not using her name, then point out that as she is so distressed about the baby being a girl rather than a boy, you didn't want to upset her any further by using her name.

diddl Thu 21-Nov-13 14:24:13

I think it's very unkind to say that you would name the next daughter after her & then not to.

She doesn't sound as if she would appreciate it, or that she deserves it, though.

If she says anything, I guess you just tell her that she doesn't deserve it you changed your minds.

AdoraBell Thu 21-Nov-13 14:27:06

OP said she and DH had decided against using MIL's ñame. Maybe he doesn't want To be reminded everytime he heard his DD's ñame spoken.

OP just continúe doing what you have been, you really are handling it Well, and if you and DH are certain about the ñame then I would advize that he tell his mother, not his father, or both of them together.

But don't make a big thing of it, just 'oh, we've been thinking about the ñame and have decided To use X, Anyone want a cup of tea/know what the football score was/do you think it's going To be sunny at the weekend?'

knickernicker Thu 21-Nov-13 14:31:39

Being firm with a manipulative person is difficult and you tread a fine line to get it right. My MIL once told me she'd deliberately put my toddler dd in a dangerous position in order to get a rise out of me. She actually admitted she'd done it for that purpose. It took all my self control not to scream. I calmly said, " I don't find that comment funny." She repeated the word funny incredulously and stormed off back to get the coach home.
Then I had to explain to dp who thinks we need to make sure we try not to upset her.
It is possible to be firm, but you have to have total self belief and serenity so that the bully can't see a chink in your armour.
In your situation I would suggest continuing as you are doing. Keep a good distance and don't feel guilty about children needing a relationship with grandmother.

DeWe Thu 21-Nov-13 14:35:32

I don't think you can do anything about the name other than just tell her the name after you've registered. Would it be worth considering it as a middle just to try and smooth over a little bit?
If she says anything, then "really, did we say that? We just really loved the names XXX YYY and decided to go for them."
Rather than telling her she didn't deserve the honour (which is true) because that gives her ammunition.

Dh's family have a family name given to the first born boy of the first born boy... We thought we'd use it when I was pg with #1 and #2 (both girls). When ds came along we had changed our minds-the name is oldfashioned now-sort of name no one under 40+ I know, which we weren't really aware of then.
We did use the name as a middle name, but just told them "we have a boy, his name is X Y " and they haven't ever said anything about it.

Mim78 Thu 21-Nov-13 14:42:37

Sounds like you are dealing with it fine to me.

hollowhallows Thu 21-Nov-13 14:45:54

It sounds like she is very bitter over you having a daughter while she has only had sons. I feel sad for her because it seems she has coped with this disappointment by drumming into herself, as well as those around her, that husbands want sons and not daughters. It sounds like you having had a daughter, and your DH being happy about it, has shown up that the idea she has been putting out there to console herself isn't actually true and dredged up her feelings of bitterness. Unfortunately it has made the blessing of your DD a living reminder of her disappointment. Sad for her but not a justification for her behaviour.

Trooperslane Thu 21-Nov-13 14:55:09

I'd tell her you don't want to insult her by naming a girl after her when she obv doesn't want them. Silly old woman x

thebody Thu 21-Nov-13 14:57:24

she sounds a daft old bint and jealous to boot.

call your baby what you like and setae as clear of her as possible.

the comments she makes about your mom are funny so laugh at her. also laugh at any comments made about having girls by belittling her. so

'oh you are a funny one arnt you? where on earth so you get these daft ideas from love'?

keep chin up.

Hissy Thu 21-Nov-13 15:02:17

Don't you DARE name your beautiful little baby girl after that poisonous cow.

You ARE handling this perfectly. Do you really know for sure that she actually treats your SILs differently to you? Because it's highly likely too that she is AS nasty to them, but tells you a pile of BS.

Don't pander to her. It may even shock her into actually treating you with respect. You never know... Kowtowing to her certainly won't!

All the best of luck to you and your lovely family!

AdoraBell Thu 21-Nov-13 15:20:11

OP

Is your DH the fourth son? Having re-read your up date I agree she sounds jealous.

Holdthepage Thu 21-Nov-13 17:21:35

It sounds as though she wanted a girl herself & is now jealous of you. You would think she would be delighted to have a gd, what a silly woman.

I definitely wouldn't name my baby after her, just tell her you changed your mind after it became clear from her comments that she doesn't seem to like girls.

fluffyraggies Thu 21-Nov-13 17:36:23

It sounds as though she wanted a girl herself & is now jealous of you.

^ ^ this

She ''doth protest too much'', OP.

My XMIL was the same. She had 3 boys. I married her eldest and went on to have 3 girls.

I think if i had a pound for every time she told me she was glad she'd never had a daughter, that she thought girls were 'difficult' and 'awkward', and not something she ever wished for, never ever - i'd have been a millionaire by the time DD3 came along.

Her actual words, when XH rang her from the hospital to tell her DC3 had been born safely and was a girl, were 'oh ... oh well, never mind'

shocksad

fluffyraggies Thu 21-Nov-13 17:38:23

So - needless to say i wouldn't have dreamed of naming any of those 'awkward', 'difficult' little girls after her smile wink

YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 20:39:39

Oh god fluffyraggies, I can totally relate. Yes she totally treats other SIL's better than me & my little DD. She would buy other grandchildren pressies-3 granddaughters arrived after mine but they get treated differently as they have brothers, the mind boggles.... She buys these granddaughters clothes & dolls but stresses mine "has enough"...

My Dh is the 2nd of 4 boys, he's a great son & very close to his dad who btw is a wonderful man...

I think she sees me as a bit of a pushover as while I was on my mat leave I really tried to be included in what was going on, calling for dinner, making an effort to call for my dd's sake so she could be part of her growing up. Any time the other granddaughters were there she would insist on playing with them, cuddling them while blatently refusing to engage with my gorgeous dd. It broke me & DHs heart. The straw that broke the camels back was when we got christening photos printed for them & she refused to look at them as my SIL was there & MIL said she "didn't want to make a big deal of the photos" in front of SIL & would "have a look" that night.....

Since then I have just completely limited all contact with her, so has DH, Dh communicates with his dad every day & I think that drives her mad!

Re the name, we never liked it to begin with but we told her we would use it to placate her as she threw her toys out of the pram when we called DD1 after my mom & my grandmother... I think if we are going to make a stand & have our own power we should just pick names we love & not be railroaded by "tradition". She is also harping on that if this baba is a boy it will need to be named after FIL due to tradition, the other SIL's were never given that instruction!!! As said above noone knows we are having a girl except me & dh.

Oh & she threw a strop that we only told her I was pg when I was 12 weeks & had my scan, she said other SILs came to her at the very start & was disgusted not to be one of the first to know. She asked when I told my mother, I said " God pregnancy brain, I can't remember"... Btw I'm 33 & this treatment is insane!!!

YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 21:45:53

Anyone else any advice?x

Mymumsfurcoat Thu 21-Nov-13 21:56:03

She does know that its men who determine the sex of babies? Tbh, I'd remind her every time she made some crack about your DDs.

YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 22:02:25

Ha! My friend was here earlier & she said next time MIL snidely says "I never wanted a girl, I was so lucky to have 4 boys" I should reply earnestly " You know what I 100% believe you, I couldn't picture you with a daughter, you're much more suited to boys" & see how she likes that, after all I am agreeing with her!

kotinka Thu 21-Nov-13 22:06:40

that's a great comeback grin

YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 22:14:11

Well Kontina, I think so too! I am agreeing with her wholeheartedly & she can read between the lines!

FunnyRunner Thu 21-Nov-13 22:15:44

She sounds absolutely vile. Definitely give her a wide berth especially as your DD gets older. She will begin to notice that she is your MIL's whipping boy girl and it will be very damaging for her sad

YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 22:21:09

Thanks Funnyrunner agree, also it will do DD's no good to see the way complete lack of respect she has for DH & the contempt she has for me. I feel much better in myself since I have started to limit contact & also having it on my terms only. My sister describes her behaviour as narcissistic & having gooled that she fits the bill perfectly! Would like my dd's to have a relationship with FIL as he is just a fantastic man but I can't have it every way unfortunately...

Chippednailvarnish Thu 21-Nov-13 22:24:35

"a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life."

I'd memorise this and repeat it to her everytime she makes any comment on having daughters. That'll annoy the hell out of her...

YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 22:32:14

Love that chippednailvarnish & will file away in my repitoire of quotes for her!!! I'm so timid & as I said a people pleaser so I have never properly stood up to her but now I realise I have to for DD1 & DD2's sake when they arrive...
It really annoyed me about xmas asking other sil's what they would like for their kids then my DD can make do as she "has enough & what more could she possibly need"
Another big bone of contention was my DDs clothes, her second granddaughter arrived 6 months later & she said " I presume you'll be handing down all DD's clothes to SIL". I said no I actually won't be passing anything on as we are planning more kids so I will be holding on to what we have & besides alot of it was belong to my own sister who is now expecting!!! SIL holds it against me that I don't share, I can't win!

BasilDalekEater Thu 21-Nov-13 22:38:49

I agree with others, tell her you didn't give the baby her name because she clearly doesn't like girls.

Also I'd tell her I'm expecting a boy and he's going to be called Attila Ivan Dumbledore, Mercutio Rameses or Fanjolio Zucchini. Let her stew for a few months thinking her grandson is going to have a silly name.

Also I would pull her up every time when she says something about girls. "I don't want you saying things like that around DD because it might damage her self-esteem". "Please don't say things like that around DD as it's very insulting to her". Etc. She'll get pissed off with being told off.

And make no effort to contact her or do stuff with her. Let her do the running if she wants a relationship with her GC's.

ZenNudist Thu 21-Nov-13 22:40:49

Chipped I hate that phrase but perfect for OP in PA war against her MIL.

I'd be ignoring that you ever promised to call dd2 after MIL. If she brings it up express surprise that she'd be keen to have a gd named after when she has always made disparaging comments about your dd & daughters in general.

Also I'd be unable to stop myself from telling her to stop talking piffle. Mind you, ignoring her as you are doing is great.

FreudiansSlipper Thu 21-Nov-13 22:42:37

just keep telling yourself her problem she is the one that has an issue, stop trying to work out what it is or second guess her it is a waste of your energy and accept she probably will never change which is sad

it is very very difficult dealing with passive aggressive people as they never see they are in the wrong and you waste your time trying to make them see things from your point of view

i think you are dealing with her fine by backing off and not playing her sad game

Chippednailvarnish Thu 21-Nov-13 23:06:40

I'd actually never heard the phrase until my DM said it to my MIL to put her in her place when she was passively agressively having a snide go at me at a family lunch.

My DM also then told her when I was pregnant with DD that we should call her Doris and her brother Boris as DH's family share a famous politicans surname. Oh how we laughed, oh how MIL sulked.

You need to harness the power of my DM, we haven't nicknamed her the "megaphone of truth" for nothing...

YummyMummybee Thu 21-Nov-13 23:17:01

Haha that's fantastic!!! Doris & Boris lol! Yes narcissists hate being put in their place! I think I need some of your DM's courage!!!
Thanks a million for the rest of the replies, I think I'm doing well too by just avoiding her & making no effort, I tried my best during my maternity leave & the more I tried the more she could see I was desperate for DD to be included with the other granddaughters which gave her more power...
I'm happier not stewing over her thinly veiled snide comments & I feel like I've got some of my control & my own power back. I think now I am a mother myself I am a little more confident & know how I want my DDs to be treated...
I'm so happy I posted today as I really needed to strengthen my resolve & I'm getting nervous about the fallout from the name. At the start DH & I were afraid she would resent DD2 if she wasn't named after her but we came to the realsiation that she would be resented anyways based on her gender so why would we name our precious baby after her! As another poster said I don't want to detest DD's name everytime I call her...

FunnyRunner Fri 22-Nov-13 10:08:40

I do get quite depressed at these threads and how common they are. WHY do people behave like this? Just WHY? Why would you behave like that to a child, even if you have taken an irrational dislike to the child's mother?

Really do keep your distance OP. Her next steps might be one of the following.
Either: cut you off, bad mouth you etc. - which frankly is a winner in some ways - but will probably make your DH very sad (thinking he is missing his mother when actually he is longing for the mother he wished he had).
Or: she may become sweetness and light to your DH to try and turn him against you. If she does it will be hard for him to resist a sudden surge of affection which he has probably longed for for a very long time. So it might be worth keeping that in mind and having a strategy in place should it happen.

FWIW the latter is very hard to forgive. My mother tried to get my DH to turn on me after a row (in which she behaved outrageously). I have never forgotten it and tbh I never will.

Hissy Fri 22-Nov-13 16:21:50

I'm loving the Megaphone of Truth!
smile

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 22-Nov-13 16:32:44

She sounds like a right peach OP, poor you.

I think she should be told sooner rather than later that the baby will not be named after her, best to get the unpleasantness out of the way, rather than when the new baby arrives.

DH's job rather than yours. He could tell his DF and then if he complains that DMil is upset about this, then DH should say that she is being oversensitive grin.

Your MIL sounds more outright aggressive than passive aggressive btw. Passive aggressive would be your DH telling his DF that you have decided to give the baby a different name because you want a nice modern name for DD2 and MILs name is a bit old fashioned.

TheEponymousGrub Fri 22-Nov-13 16:39:48

Hi OP

I was going to post a suggestion that you give your MIL's name as a second or third name, because that way you avoid the accusation of having broken your promise. Not because your MIL deserves it - she sounds horrible.
But as I've now read your later posts, I think you are right not to. Your MIL will find something else to complain about anywya, so why put yourself out in the least?

Btw re: your SIL who resents your not handing down your dd's clothes - do you have only your MIL's word for that?

auntpetunia Fri 22-Nov-13 16:58:43

Oh she's jealous of not having a daughter! Are you sure the other DiLs are treated as well as she says or does she just get pleasure in winding you up?

AdoraBell Fri 22-Nov-13 17:25:45

I agree, she probably doesn't treat the other DILs much better, unless you have seen it consistently OP.

My MIL, who I don't mention much on here, would have you believe that she treats all her DILs well and fairly when in fact she treats us all like undesirable thieves who have stolen her sons. One thinks she's treated well and another thinks she is the only one treated badly. MIL plays them off against each other, just as she does with her sons. She has tried to drag me into it but I have too much fun watching from the sidelines to get involved<caah>

And the reason the other GDCs are treated better is because they didn't have the audacity to be born female, therefore their mothers are not a threat because they have towed the family line. I would have to tell her that the gender of the DC depends on the gender of the fertilizing sperm, therefore it's her son's fault that you have daughters.

DrHolmes Fri 22-Nov-13 18:09:31

I don't understand her thoughts really..I mean, i would probably say to her "so, i wonder if your father was disappointed to have you?"

Pretty evil but she is being a bitch to you.

Also, re her name. I wouldn't have a second thought about it. Do not name your dd2 after her and do not think twice about it.

Give her "this is a man's world" on dc for xmas.

YummyMummybee Fri 22-Nov-13 23:00:27

Thanks so much for all the replies. It's horrible being in this situation, I hate the way she attempts to undermine my mom because my mom had a good profession,whenever I try to speak up I freeze so I have decided it would be best to avoid fullstop.
Another example of how she ridiculed me was when prince George was born. We were at a family party & I was joking with friends about how my dd's husband had arrived. MIL spluttered, don't be ridiculous she wouldn't stand a chance with the prince!!! I said omg that is your granddaughter you are talking about, she backtracked when all eyes were on her & said Oh I just wouldn't like that life for her...
No the other SIL's are treated differently, like I said all were asked what their children would like for xmas & we weren't asked as my dd "has enough"... So far we have said we are keeping the names to ourselves but we have a boys & girls chosen that we both love...
Big drama also when we told her I was expecting at 12 weeks, she rightly assumed my mom knew way before that & was going mad she wasn't the first to know... We were sorry we went over to her to break the news, in hindsight going by her behaviour DH should have just rang FIL...

bakehouse Thu 28-Nov-13 12:35:37

I too have an awful mil with a similar attitude towards girls! DD1 was born in November and as parents in law lived a way away the first time they saw her was on Christmas day when DD was aged 5 weeks. She walked in, totally ignored the baby in the pram and started admiring my sons bike (which wasn't even new!) which was standing behind the pram! After about ten minutes of her not even acknowledging my daughter I thrust her into mils arms saying 'I'm sure you'd like to have a cuddle with your first grandaughter'. She looked down at her and said 'well you're a funny little thing aren't you, I'm sure you'll grow up to be a right little madam'. She then made a few comments to her husband about how you know where you are with boys, how she was so thankful she had only had two sons and how basically we were in for a lifetime of trouble! Father in law is lovely and stood there shifting uncomfortably and looking embarrassed. DD is 16 now and we have a second DD aged 14. Mil is still difficult, argumentative and never has a good word to say about anyone. I honestly can't stand her. She criticises the things my children eat, what they wear, their friends, the subjects they have chosen to study for GCSE, A levels. She hates that I have a successful career as a teacher. DH is generally supportive but also hates to upset his mother even though he knows she is a mardy old cow! Consequently we rarely see his parents as it always causes stress and arguments.

This woman has issues that are nothing to do with you, meaning that you didn't provoke them and they're not your fault. Is it possible that she had a difficult time with her fourth DS & feels guilty? Anyway, it does sound as if she's jealous, which is utterly ridiculous - you'll never be his mother and she'll never be his wife!

Anyway, how to handle - I would suggest getting your SILS onside - not criticizing your MIL but just making sure that you & they are good mates. That way you are more likely to be included. Also explain your POV to your DH so that he understands where you're coming from.

Other than that - maintain dignity in front of this woman, and ignore, ignore, ignore her taunts! She is a bitter and unhappy person.

I've had my MIL for 30 years now (oh joy!) and she, too, was/is jealous of me and treated me badly. She has insulted me in front of the family. But she has also come to realise that her precious DS isn't perfect and that she is better off having me as a friend than an enemy.

So keep your head up - if you're nothing less than nice and reasonable, while not being bowed down by her nastiness, then hopefully she will see that she isn't winning and you will end up with a truce, at least!

BarbarianMum Thu 28-Nov-13 12:53:20

"so, i wonder if your father was disappointed to have you?"

I wouldn't say that, because actually, it could well be true. 'Tis quite often how these things start.

Other than that OP you seem to have the situation well under control but def the less you see of her the better.

brass Thu 28-Nov-13 13:51:44

I also wouldn't tell her about not using her name any earlier than necessary. It makes you equally passive aggressive as though you are telling her early to have a pop at her.

Just wait until the baby has arrived and announce it then. If she asks, you can say whatever you've chosen to say at that point.

TalkativeJim Thu 28-Nov-13 14:03:41

You're handling it beautifully!

'Name her after you? After you've spent so much time telling us all how disappointed you'd be if it were a girl? I don't think so!'

'You know, MIL, for someone so content with having four boys and no girls, you don't half seem obsessed by it. Anyone would think you had a bit of a complex about it! And there we are - when you say a son would be better - and we just laugh about it as we honestly couldn't be happier!'

And do you know what's a REALLY good option when you get the snide remarks, like that about the Christmas presents? Do a MASSIVE grin, as if you're trying to stop yourself laughing. A sort of 'I could have guessed you'd make a nasty remark there' grin. She'll probably snappily ask why you're smiling - and then you can say, half-laughing 'Oh NO REASON! There really wouldn't be any reason to smile at the thought of my daughter being slighted - would there?!' And then REALLY laugh.

She'll know you know what she's doing... but that you just find it sad and ridiculous.

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 28-Nov-13 14:15:35

I'm sorry to get distracted but...

Why is it so bad that she wore a maxi dress and a hat to your wedding? unless it's white and the hat is very verily

I wore a maxi dress to a wedding last year. Did I commit a terrible faux par?

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 28-Nov-13 14:18:29

Very VIELY FFS

Verily I doth place my hat upon my head....

The dress was white, it says so in the OP.

DeepThought Thu 28-Nov-13 14:24:15

no no Buggy, maxi dress to wedding = fine

white dress = not fine (would exemplify the mother of the groom wanting to be the bride, many many shades of ick)

Poor you, OP

Saminthemiddle Thu 28-Nov-13 14:34:15

OP - I would say that you are doing brilliantly so far. My MIL was virtually the same - I won't go into it all but she was on a par with yours and always criticising me behind my back. The last straw was when she had the keys of our house when we were away and she took back a present she had given to our DS and gave it away to a cousin of hers. Seriously. It was a beautiful farm with a tractor and animals and she just left the animals behind and said that our DS had so many toys that he didn't need it and she had made a mistake giving it to him. We lived just down the road at that point.

We then moved and the only way I could cope and deal with her was just to be polite at family occasions but I stopped phoning or taking the DC to see her on my own. It was not obvious to other people because I acted normally when I was around her. We used to do lots of family parties at our house but DH and I stopped because of her vindictive comments behind my back. Now 10 years on she is an old lady and has lost all her nastiness! She doesn't talk behind my back anymore and is desperate to be my friend. She is not really very well and this seems to have changed her.

I think you should just retreat a bit, withhold information from her that you know that she will twist or use against you but just be polite and nice to her. Stop phoning her, if you do so now and don't see her unless other people are around. Also don't ask her for anything.
As for the baby's name, you don't have to explain anything to her at all, name choices are yours and your DH's alone and if she asks why you didn't use her name, then either say you changed your mind and smile sweetly or that you have forgotten that you ever said that you would and apologise!! In the end she will have no ammunition to use against you (if you see what I mean).

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 28-Nov-13 14:43:14

White dress! That's off.

As you were...

zatyaballerina Thu 28-Nov-13 14:54:35

People like this get their power from your responses, the worst thing you can do is try to please them. Ignore the old bitch and if you are in her company, call her up on any nasty comments she makes.

If she says something horrible, tell her that it's a horrible thing to say, if she tries to belittle you for having girls; "how horrible of you mil, you're just jealous because you never got any, just because your parents were disappointed with you..." if she challenges you on not naming your new baby after her; "you've been so horrible to dd and no doubt will be equally nasty to this one, who wants to be named after someone who treats them like shit? it's not a nice name anyway..."

Be a bitch. People don't treat bitches they way you have been treated because they bite back. Practice assertiveness, what you're going to say in reply to her comments, get in touch with your inner cunt.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 28-Nov-13 15:10:09

What Trooperslane said. That. I'm a bit hmm at the posters saying, ooh it will upset her, that's unkind of the OP to offer and then withdraw. Fuck that, MIL clearly doesn't rate girls so I think it's a win win with not naming DD 2 after her.

Weeantwee Thu 28-Nov-13 15:41:17

You are doing brilliantly, I admire you, OP.

My mum had similar problems with her PIL. I was their only granddaughter out of four grandchildren and my mum was never forgiven for not producing a son as her first born. I don't remember what they were like with me before my brother was born, but I grew being very aware of being treated differently. DB would get a £10 note in a Christmas card, I would get a £5 note. The last time either of us received something from Granddad (Grandma passed away years ago) DB got a £5 note, I got a £2 coin. Makes me laugh now as it really was that petty, yet obvious.

YummyMummybee Thu 28-Nov-13 18:47:37

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I really am sick of being a doormat & being treated differently from the other SIL's due to my own lack of assertivness for so long... It's amazing the amount of posters who can relate to this...
Saminthemiddle something similar happened me. MIL bought my DD a 2 pair of white tights in Debenhams to match her christening robe I was touched as she didn't really give too much in a way of a gift. A few weeks later she asked for one of the pairs of tights back to give to SIL in case they needed a pair for their little girls christening, unbelievable, !!!!! The favourite SIL was due a girl 3 months after me(this girl completely acceptable in MIL's eyes as they already have a boy!), she arrived with a cardigan she knit for SIL's baby she told me it wasn't knit for my DD & would I pass it on once she had grown out of it!!!
Yes she wore a white maxi & huge white hat to my wedding, my friends & family were gobsmacked, in fairness it was quite laughable as she accessorised with a leopard print jacket & wedges & to this day we still talk about her bizarre ensemble!!! She thought my own mothers beautiful elegant Mother of the Bride outfit was "old-fashioned"!!!
Since my last post I have still avoided, I am still nervous about the whole name issue, as mentioned it's our own fault as we had said we would name next DD after her after she kicked up such a fuss after we named DD after my mom & grandmother. I think it's prob best not to say anything announce DD2's name & leave it at that? So far we have refused to really discuss names & said we haven't decided...

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 18:49:57

Update,so upset..... Well the latest with MIL as follows. We had to go for dinner with Mil & Fil on Wed, Mil was ok, but someone commented on how tall my dd was & his dd is 2 months older but not as tall. Mil didn't like my daughter being complimented so she said you should see my other granddaughter she's 3 months younger than x but is a fine well-fed child. I replied that daughters seem to take after their mothers & I am a petite build so my daughter takes after me & she has inherited my fine features too, hehe!!! She was fuming but it shut her up.
This evening we called over as dh had to collect tools from his dad, while there she showed us homemade xmas crackers she made for her grandsons which she said were filled to the brim with goodies she was picking up all year, then SIL called in & she started asking SIL when she could take her kids to the Santa Experience exhibition in town, she was so excited & couldn't wait to bring them. I bawled on the way home, really feel for my little girl, imagine if she was old enough to understand the exclusion. Feel angry at myself for being there in the first place but thought I better be the bigger person & make an effort with her for hubbys sake seeing that its Christmas, sorry I bothered... Oh & also while we were there she kept saying she really hoped her other grandson would call as she had a door mat that said hohoho & she couldn't wait to see his face, all while my dd tried her best to engage "Grandma"(to no avail), heartbreaking to see her gorgeous little face smiling at this woman blatently ignoring her... God in tears again here...

BarbarianMum Sun 08-Dec-13 18:55:29

OK, so you need to stop putting yourself and your daughter in a position where she can hurt you. Esp your dd(s).

Your dh can, of course, go and visit if he so wishes. But surely he wouldn't want his family in the way of such constant snubbing?

paxtecum Sun 08-Dec-13 18:59:31

Yummy: Avoid going to your MILs.
Going to dinner was bad enough, but you could have let DH call round on his own tonight.

Reduce contact with her.

I don't mean this critically, but the more you go there the more upsetting it is.

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 19:07:05

I know, I was doing so well, we were actually on the way to friends when dh had to collect the tools so would have looked strange if I had stayed in the car with dd... So upset, everytime I look at dd I start getting tearful,I am just thankful she doesn't understand... Yes strengthening resolve again as we speak, usually she makes my blood boil but tonight she went too far....

WestieMamma Sun 08-Dec-13 19:07:19

Why are you having anything to do with this nasty, spiteful woman. Cut her out of your life for good.

RandomMess Sun 08-Dec-13 19:11:17

sad

What was your dh's reaction? Is he prepared to go No Contact with his mum over her shitty attitude to you and your dd?

Tapiocapearl Sun 08-Dec-13 19:13:52

You really have to lower your expectations of her to avoid getting emotionally sapped. It took me years to learn this but now I don't give a toss about anything! MIL's poor relationship with myself and her grandchildren is her loss. I find the things she does laughable and my friends/DH and I often have a good cackle about them regularly.

Stop caring. Expect nothing. Change your attitude to her actions. At the moment she is getting the reaction she wants from you.

Tapiocapearl Sun 08-Dec-13 19:18:14

One thing that really helped me was creating physical/mental distance. So seeing them less and also concentrating on the kids in her presence.

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 19:28:19

No, he's not unfortunately, he understands my point of view but he says he wants his parents to see our dd & see how great she is etc but he was really upset to see me so distraught about her tonight. My FIL realised MIL trying to antagonise me tonight & when she started discussing the whole Santa experience told her to leave it for God sake.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Sun 08-Dec-13 19:28:45

What a spiteful, ungrateful cow.

It's time you cut the bullshit. This has to end. Next time she does something like this I'd have to pull her up on it - the time for niceties has long since passed. Either that or don't give her the opportunity. No contact. Your DD is growing up and soon she'll be able to see if for herself, which makes me feel really angry because she deserves loving grandparents.

What's your DH said?

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 19:30:43

Tapiocapearl, thanks for the advice too, I had distanced myself for 2 months & felt great, actually forgot about her completely & felt great freedom now I'm sorry I put me & dd in the line of fire again... My heart really does break for ddsad

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Sun 08-Dec-13 19:31:24

Your DH is wishful thinking, it's a shame. Your DD could be the most amazing child in the world (and im sure she is to you) but if the MIL isn't interested there's nothing any of you can do. She could be the next child prodigy and she wouldn't care because this stems from something much more deep rooted. Its not you, its not your DD, it's her. There's something inherently wrong with her. Maybe discuss how soon your DD will be old enough to see it for herself, if he doesn't like you being in tears over it how will he feel when it's his daughter? sad

Chippednailvarnish Sun 08-Dec-13 19:36:09

Are you really willing to let this continue and let your DD be treated as second best?

MoominMammasHandbag Sun 08-Dec-13 19:37:51

Can you not say innocently "Gosh MiL, surely you are not playing favourites here?" And see how she responds?

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 19:39:04

So true, dd is still only a baby & we have another little girl on the way so I think its best to cut the ties now. How can a grandparent be so cruel, its just beyond me, Baubles it's so true, dd could be Britians Next Top Baby & it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to her... I can't talk to my SIL's even though I get on well with one & we would have playdates most weeks, I'm smart enough to know she's not an ally & she plays up to MIL no end. Also MIL hates our playdates & tries to get my 2 SIL's up to her house with the kids excluding me & dd of course... Feel very isolated..

Chippednailvarnish Sun 08-Dec-13 19:54:29

Don't feel isolated, feel relieved. Would your really be willing to play her game just to stay in favour?

Back2Two Sun 08-Dec-13 20:03:44

She desperately wanted a girl or girls and is twisted with jealousy and bitterness.

Leave her to stew in her own acid. Her mean and spiteful comments mean nothing without the correct audience (you).

Perhaps she'll have to change her ways, more likely nothing will happen but your life will be more pleasant.

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 20:05:23

I tried for long enough chippednailvarnish, basically feel isolated as we moved when dd was born as DH wanted to live near his family, my family live 4 hours away & I don't have many friends out this direction. I have a good relationship with one SIL(not on a good enough basis to bitch about MIL) but MIL tries to jeopardise this as best she can so SIL plays ball with MIL. After discussing now with DH he agreed we will just go back to the way we were doing our own thing. He is upset about it but obviously she wasn't happy to see our dd when she kept saying she was hoping her other Grandson would call & making plans with SIL to bring her 2 kids to the santa experience....

cees Sun 08-Dec-13 20:07:55

She is a horrible cow.

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 20:10:24

Exactly back2two, alot stems from jealousy & how close I am to my own mam, I just have to get on with it & cut her out. It would be easier to stomach if the other SIL's were treated the same but she has so much time for them. DH does realise that it won't be long before her contempt for me passes on to our dd & new dd...

cees Sun 08-Dec-13 20:12:11

Are you happy living there Yummy, would it be better for you to move closer to your own family and have more support rather then hope one day dh's mum will wake up and take an interest.

honestly- disengage. Dont put your daughter in harms way- when she is old enough she will understand, trust me. tell DH that this is not fair and you will no longer participate in family get togethers unless she is pulled up on her behaviour.

alternatively, tell her to fuck off wink

whens dd2 due? congratulations!!

or, kick her in the fanny.

cees Sun 08-Dec-13 20:21:38

And don't worry about what she thinks of the name because you or dh will simple text the rancid old bitch with the news, do not let her bring you down by talking to her. She has lost all her privileges with treating your daughter like shit.

cees Sun 08-Dec-13 20:23:07

Yeah I second kicking her in the gowl fsmile

CombineBananaFister Sun 08-Dec-13 20:33:21

Do you know what? you tried to be a better person. You were going to offer her name to your child in honor. You've probably sacrificed your morals and principles. Stop trying , you are a nice person who has a nice DH who happens to have a shit of a mum. stop trying to fit in. draw a lign and stick up for your Dcs. they mean more to you and she doesn't deserve your compassion. you tried cut your losses. No-one should say they prefer boys to girls, a happy healthy child is what counts. she sounds bitter and twisted and manipulative. Be polite for dhs sake but seriously stop worrying about it, she doesn't deserve it, you'll never please her.

Kundry Sun 08-Dec-13 20:34:38

At what point is your DH going to tell her to fuck off?

And for goodness sake, next time stay in the car. Avoiding someone who is rude to you does not look weird. Her behaviour on the other hand looks appalling. You would not have been the weird one by staying in the car AT ALL.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Sun 08-Dec-13 20:35:22

howl @ kick her in the fanny

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 20:47:16

Gloves off now love!

Tell her to never ever talk your dd down in any way shape or form, or you won't be responsible for your actions.

Don't let her anywhere near them. Game over.

Finola1step Sun 08-Dec-13 21:06:48

You have been incredibly accommodating and given your MIL chance after chance. But maybe enough is enough, finally.

She sounds very narcissistic and no matter what you do, you can not change her. Your dd will one day in the near future will begin to sense that she is treated differently. It is your responsibility to protect her from it. And the new baby. It might be time to think about planning a move away.

To put this into perspective for you yummy, I was in your dd's position all the way through my childhood (sort of). My mother was raised by her step mum from the age of 8 and had it drilled into her that she should be ever so grateful. To the extent that my Nan (she was never referred to as step in any way) treated myself and my two sisters so differently and it was so obvious but my mother's sense of gratitude stopped her from preventing it.

I forgave my mum for this a long time ago because she was emotionally manipulated by that woman for so many years. Through my teenage years, I detested my Nan. But those feelings eventually faded to a sense of indifference. When she eventually passed away when I was 35, I felt nothing. I went to the funeral to make sure she was gone and I felt relieved.

Do whatever you have to do prevent your dds experiencing that rejection from their own biological grandmother. She should be ashamed but she won't be. But you will be in years to come if you let this continue.

Finola1step Sun 08-Dec-13 21:12:34

I should make it clear that my Nan treated myself and my two sisters differently from our cousins who were her biological grandchildren. This I actually could accept. What I have never understood is why she treated us like pests to be disciplined but our full cousins (who were also not biologically related to Nan) who she never saw from one year to the next, were treated like princes. We had to suffer this each and every week as she demanded that we visited her without fail.

Run yummy run like the wind with your dd under one are and your newborn dd (when she's here) under the other. smile

MommyBird Sun 08-Dec-13 21:15:01

Oh my!
Your daughter was trying to get get her attention and she ignored her?
That would be it for me.

She exculdes her from things and ignores her. why on earth would your dh want to put his own daughter through that?!

Ignore her. It will get worse and your DD will catch on.

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 21:37:48

I missed that bit about the ignoring the little girl.

sad my heart broke.

Love, stop contact now, otherwise your dd will realise when you stop seeing her GM and will miss her.

Stop this now and she won't.

Holdthepage Sun 08-Dec-13 22:04:38

I really don't know why you are bothering with the old bat & letting her upset you. You seem desperate for her approval for some reason. She doesn't seem worth the effort to me.

2rebecca Sun 08-Dec-13 22:36:03

She sounds awful, and if she was wanting to spend alot of time with your daughter and take her to things I'd be concerned as she isn't a good influence.
I'd have very little to do with her, don't get upset your daughter isn't getting fussed over, be grateful she isn't wanting to see more of you and you can back out of her life. Stop trying to make her like you, and don't get upset because an unpleasant woman doesn't want to spend time with your lovely daughter.
You seem to see alot of them considering you don't like them, cut it down to every month or 2.

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 22:45:40

Thanks so much for all the advice, I guess I'm not looking for approval just for my dd to be treated like the other grandkids & for me to be treated like the other SILs. We don't see much of them Rebecca just the family meal during the week & today when DH had to collect the tools. We have talked calmly about things all evening & have decided we are our own family, our precious dd's are what we care about & obviously she really didn't want to see our dd today when all she kept talking about was wanting her grandson to call & then when other SIL called making plans in front of me about Santa, the exclusion did upset me but what was heartbreaking was DD laughing, cooing,clapping & waving at her & saying hohoho when she spotted Santa on tv, all blatently ignored....

WaitingForPeterWimsey Sun 08-Dec-13 22:56:34

Yummy, your dd sounds absolutely lovely - what a little darling smile

Your mil, less so.

We are down to 1 interaction annually with my pil and things are much better.

Can you move closer to your dm and DF?

YummyMummybee Sun 08-Dec-13 23:17:35

No unfortunately Waiting, my hubbys job is near where we live & I work about 30 mins away so no point in moving, just have to keep ourselves out of the firing line. Would love to have one interaction with MIL but FIL is such a lovely man & he genuinely worships my dd, but whereever he is, she is unfortunately.....

MistressDeeCee Mon 09-Dec-13 04:33:13

You seem to be handling situation pretty well at the moment, OP. Apart from that, avoid her as much as possible. Who on earth would want to spend years fending off & having to think up responses to barbed comments? Why should you have her blight you anyway? You'll get no thanks for it and with your own little family to care for, you've got enough to do without putting up with passive aggressive nonsense. I wouldn't put up with it at all. Stuff that - its not as if she's your mum either, if I were in your situation MIL could fuck right off, life's too short to engage in dealing with other people's crap which is designed to make you feel like shit. You owe her nothing. If she can't be courteous just sidestep her, and leave her to stew.

Marrying a man doesn't mean you're honour bound to put up with obnoxious relatives - whoever that relative may be. Too often women are advised, or expected to be, enablers, stressing themselves by struggling to keep the peace with non-peaceful people. Why the hell should you, exactly? & she'll probably try to blight your DCs with her gaslighting too, as they're growing up.

Your DH sounds lovely and supportive.. sensible man. Congrats on your pregnancy smile

Millenniumbug1 Mon 09-Dec-13 09:07:06

Hi op, I'm so cross for you & your beautiful daughter, also, MIL is causing stress that you don't need during your pregnancy.
It took years of nasty comments-both spoken & written & awful Xmas/b'day stuff going on before I realised: the problem wasn't me personally, MIL would have been like that with anyone my DH married. No, the problem was MIL' s relationship with her DS.
I had the whole MIL prefers BIL' s many girlfriends & their children thing. I took it all personally, as you do, but actually, the problem is that she can't accept that her DS has married & had a family of his own & for some warped reason, she sees that as a challenge to her domination of him. Jealousy over the fact that you've had a girl seems likely, but that's her problem, not yours.
Any news, like baby names, is given by your DH & let him tell her that it's his choice - even though it's not. It just removes you from the line of her vitriol.
As for you & your lovely DDs, avoid & ignore, let DH have a relationship with her if he wants one. If someone at nursery school later on was doing this to your DD, you would stop it from happening, this is no different, but it is for your DH to sort out, you keep away.
Make a decision to step out of her firing line & then leave her & your DH to work out their solution to her warped relationship issues thanks

ChasedByBees Mon 09-Dec-13 09:17:04

I think naming your DD2 after someone who will most likely treat them with distain is a bad idea for their self confidence if nothing else. Hold strong on the name front OP. Also if you're seeing her less, she can kick off all she likes, you don't have to be there to hear it.

bragmatic Mon 09-Dec-13 09:19:21

I detest this old fashioned assumption that daughters in law must 'pop 'round', or telephone, or otherwise take responsibility for cultivating a 'good' relationship with their mothers in law. There is no such obligation placed on men to do the same with their wive's mothers. If you get along, well, great. If not, then * shrug * them's the breaks.

I'd back off completely with no guilt or feeling of obligation whatsoever.

auntpetunia Mon 09-Dec-13 19:26:44

She is one nasty witch! Personally when she was discussing Santa with your SIL I'd have said something along the line's of "I'm assuming you're not inviting my DD as you dont seem to like her or me...don't worry about it we wouldn't want to go with you anyway! "But then I Am a stroppy cow.

Nanny0gg Mon 09-Dec-13 19:29:41

You can't 'feminise' your FiL's name can you?

And is it worth carrying on going round so your DDs can see him?

Holdthepage Mon 09-Dec-13 19:39:52

Actually OP maybe two can play the favouritism game? You seem to like your FIL so make sure you keep in touch with him & as NannyOgg has suggested try & use his name somehow. As for Xmas presents, well I know which of them I would be getting the nicest present for. See if she likes it when you do to her what she does to your child.

DuckToWater Mon 09-Dec-13 19:40:58

She sounds desparately jealous and insecure.

My MIL is a bit sometimes (I realise now) though is generally very nice and thoughtful, and I have a good relationship with her though sometimes it feels like we're talking in different languages, often talking at cross-purposes and misunderstanding one another. I don't find this happens with anyone else, people generally understand me perfectly!

Recently I was in a fancy dress costume and other women were coming up to me and saying I looked stunning, but MIL thought my outfit was hilarious hmm

NewtRipley Mon 09-Dec-13 19:44:26

Duck

Interesting description. It was like that with my old boss. She didn't like me for some reason 9nothing to do with me). I've never seen it articulated like that. Thanks smile

Sorry for the hijack OP. You are doing really well.

aquashiv Mon 09-Dec-13 19:47:14

Just say you will name the baby after her b if it's boy s v she loves boy.
Deal with her type with humour.

YummyMummybee Mon 09-Dec-13 22:36:06

Thanks again for all the advice again, greatly appreciated. Feeling alot more empowered today & feel a huge sense of responsiblity to protect my dd's(now I know how mama bears feel!!!). Like was mentioned above it is akin to schoolyard bullies except bully is 64 & poor little victim is an infant... Yep we have both agreed to give her a wide berth. As it turns out both SIL's children are being taken to this Santa Experience, DH found out from his other brother their children were invited too, we thought it was only 1 set of grandchildren not 2!!!!

Hissy Mon 09-Dec-13 22:52:20

sad that kinda does it then really doesn't it?

These people are not good enough to be in your lives love, enough is enough.

YummyMummybee Tue 10-Dec-13 00:24:23

Yep Hissy that was the icing on the cake!! Yea, enough is enough, we have enough love & affection for our dd & future dd, they will have to face enough negative people & situations growing up,its part of life unfortunately, we need to shelter them from what we can prevent i.e MIL..

AdoraBell Tue 10-Dec-13 01:13:19

I'm glad your DH sees her for what she is, must be very hard for him too but he's doing the right thing in supporting you and DD.

None of you need people like that.

Well done to both of you.

sykadelic15 Tue 10-Dec-13 01:54:58

You could always find out the info on the Santa Experience and tag along yourself. "SURELY you wouldn't have excluded your granddaughter?"

OR, go spend the day with FIL and when she comes home simply stand up and say "well, time to leave. Bye FIL".

OR, advise FIL and be honest one day (preferably DH would do it and she'll be most hurt) "MIL you are a hurtful person. We know you're doing it on purpose and we don't want our wonderful daughter treated like shit you scraped off your shoe for the rest of her life. When you grow up, look us up. Oh, and btw. We're having another daughter and like HELL she'll be named after you. We already love her too much for that!".

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Tue 10-Dec-13 02:36:22

Ugh what a bitch.

Glad you're feeling a bit more fighty and positive! Keep your dd away from a person who wants to damage her self esteem. Be the mama bear! Feel the mama bear! Grrrr

Hissy Tue 10-Dec-13 06:13:22

All this is going to really hurt your DH, when it sinks in he's going to really feel it.

Encourage him to talk if he wants to, and accept that he'll wobble and waver, but this christmas you'll all be doing your own thing, and mil can suit herself.

I think if he were to go and see his dad while mil was away and tell him that he's had enough of his mother's treatment of his dd and his wife, that of fil can do anything to stop it that'd be great, but that there will be no further contact with her. Fil has achance to do something to help, if he wants access for himself that's fine, but I the situation as it is won't be allowed to continue.

Hissy Tue 10-Dec-13 06:25:19

Just re-read the OP. sad

Fil won't do a thing will he, your DH will end up losing both his parents to this.

I'm sorry, I know firsthand how shit this is. It's the worst pain in the world.

I still think it's worth having the conversation and ending contact with mil though, it might shake her you (as a unit) kind of have to go through the exercise of doing everything you can, for yourself, and your own peace of mind.

Again, i'm so sorry. sad

Have you looked into Toxic Parents (or inlaws) books? They might help you both respectively.

Mia4 Tue 10-Dec-13 09:12:47

OP I'm so sorry. You need to protect your daughter and keep her away from the in-laws. Perhaps it's best to either have the conversation and confront or write a letter from you and your DH and let him explain the content.

If you do see you MIL and your DD is trying to get her attention with 'nanny nanny' you and DP need to be 'in it together' as a unit and call MIL on it or say something like 'your granddaughter is talking to you, didn't you hear?'

Have you spoken to Relate or any other counselling services? You and your DP could go together and get some advice, help and perhaps some tips on how to deal with such an emotionally abusive woman.

Xenadog Tue 10-Dec-13 09:24:53

Haven't read the whole thread, (sorry) but I wonder if a totally different approach might help matters?

I would laugh at your MiL when she says such negative things about having a daughter or when she claims your child has everything. Not sure what I would say, maybe something along the lines of, "Oh yes - well little girls need spoiling don't they?" and do it with a smile. Total rebuffs where she gets no negative reaction from you is possibly the best way to go.

I would also not name DD2 after her; no need to explain other than to say you and DH changed your minds. She doesn't have to like it does she?

Finally, I wouldn't go NC but would just limit seeing her to only times when FiL will be there and DH too and I would make these fairly rare events.

Don't make this woman the star of your life story - put your energies into the people that matter to you and if you can then feel sorry for this tragically bitter woman.

YummyMummybee Tue 10-Dec-13 22:23:32

All great advice above thanks x All communication, texts, calls etc have been to FIL for some time & it really seems to drive MIL crazy to be kept out of the loop. Yes we are not budging on the name new dd will be Matilda Florence, we love it & will make no apologies for it. I never like her name anyways but as mentioned she threw her toys out of the pram when we called dd1 after my mother & my grandmother so we said next dd would be after her to keep the peace....Christmas this year will be spent 4 hours away with my family as we had always planned it to be. Actually going to try & avoid in-laws completely in the run up & after Xmas, will be tough on dh but I won't be stopping him from calling if he wants but me & dd won't be there..... Xenadog love this-great quote!
Don't make this woman the star of your life story - put your energies into the people that matter to you and if you can then feel sorry for this tragically bitter woman.

FunnyFestiveTableRunner Tue 10-Dec-13 22:50:49

Yummy I am genuinely angry and horrified by the latest incident. It makes me feel sick to think that an adult would behave like this to her own grandchild. Very glad your DH is on side but he will waver. You on the other hand must not. This woman's behaviour will really damage her when she is older. You need to keep her safe.

YummyMummybee Tue 10-Dec-13 22:56:59

I know funnyfestive, I won't back down, I'm not having dd's growing up feeling unlovable or inferior because of her & her issues towards Dh & me. We have discovered the way to really get under her skin is to exclude her, she went crazy when we told her our baby news after I had my 12 week scan as she knew my mom knew well before then but as we said it was our news to share with who & when we felt like it.

ChrisMooseMickey Tue 10-Dec-13 23:09:36

Your latest update is awful- your poor DD.
Well done for standing firm. She isn't worth it.
As a previous poster said though, this will really, really hurt your DH- you must support him and be sympathetic for him and make sure your DM treats him like royalty fgrin He won't understand why she is being like this- or why FIL is enabling this behaviour. I second the advice on the book Toxic Parents- It helped many of my friends.

YummyMummybee Tue 10-Dec-13 23:40:33

Thanks Chrismoose, I'll check amazon for it & order it on the QT, dh has asked I don't discuss MIL with him anymore as it just angers him, fair enough, I would feel the same if it was my mum so I need to put myself in his shoes but bottom line he wants the best for our dd's & he knows how importance a good sense of self worth is to get you through life so is willing to do what it takes to ensure dd's self-esteem remains intact throughout her childhood.

FunnyFestiveTableRunner Tue 10-Dec-13 23:54:34

OP just tried to PM you but it's not letting me - maybe you have to allow that function under settings?

YummyMummybee Wed 11-Dec-13 00:06:18

Festive, my pm's are ok, would appreciate any advice you can offer!

Tapiocapearl Wed 11-Dec-13 07:17:16

Can you cut down to seeing her once every three weeks and if she says anything tell her that she doesn't give attention to dd anyway, so didn't think it would make any difference to their relationship.

She is clearly very deeply jealous that you have had a girl. She must have had huge hang ups with her boy only family years back and it's odd to still harbour such strong feelings now.

lovefifteen Wed 11-Dec-13 07:24:17

She treats me completely differently to my 2 SIL's

I bet your SIL's are passive and tow the line? If so, that's why they are so wonderful. Because you have a DD and have done things a bit different and because you have a girl, which she was unable to have, she is treating you like shit.

It's not personal, she is jealous. The best revenge on a person like this is to live well and be happy.

When I have situations like this my motto is "damned if I do, damned if I don't, so I won't" grin

lovefifteen Wed 11-Dec-13 07:35:06

I just read the first few pages of your thread. OP, you seem to have a lot of spark, despite you saying you lack assertiveness. She probably hates having a DIL with a bit of personality.

Your MIL is openly abusive to you. I would stop taking DD over to hers as really, her behaviour is emotionally abusive to you and your precious DD and can cause a lot of damage. Your MIL does not deserve to enjoy the pleasure of having your DD over. Stop taking her over and when you have to see her, make sure you have lots of stories about how her other wonderful Grandma did this and did that.

Going to see Santa with your other DGC, oh that's nice, Granny and mummy are taking DD to see Santa at XXXX

Having your DGC over for a sleepover, well we have just booked a weekend away with Granny to Lapland. It will be so lovely.

There is only one way to deal with a bully and that is to give them twice as much shit back.

YummyMummybee Wed 11-Dec-13 09:38:25

I actually do that love15, she hates the fact I'm so close to my own mom, who is in her 70s & lives 4 hours away but comes up to see dd every fortnight or else I would go home for a week. It drives her insane!! Also love15 my other 2 SILs both had girls too after mine was born only a few months between the 3 of them but they are exempt from all the comments as they both had sons first.... When one of my SILs daughters was born, MIL said I presume you will be passing on all x's clothes & equipment. My dh said I looked visibly shocked which I was at her cheekiness but I replied calmly "we are hoping to ttc fairly soon & there is a 50% chance next baby will be a girl & we will need the equipment too & besides alot of her clothes were given to me by my sister & are not mine to give away". She replied, hopefully you will have a boy next for your DH's sake!!!!

FunnyFestiveTableRunner Wed 11-Dec-13 09:53:30

God she really is a vicious bat with some serious hang ups. Can't PM you OP don't know why, might be a site problem. I don't want to go into details but I have seen first hand how damaging this behaviour can be to someone exposed to it as a child. Please keep your DD away from this.

YummyMummy...you ROCK!

YummyMummybee Wed 11-Dec-13 14:36:03

Thanks festive tablerunner, will be giving MIL a very wide berth, won't have my dd's suffering at her hands. My sister thinks she is trying to antagonise us into entering into some petty competition with other In-laws for her attention & affection, I don't care what she's trying to do we won't be participating!
Picasso, I am getting there slowly but surely!!!

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 13:50:01

Hi everyone, me again, so upset.... We are going home to my mothers for Xmas so had to call to in-laws as they wanted to give pressies to dd, well her presents consisted of a 2 pack of leggings & 2 pack of bibs from primark & a plastic teaset from tesco, grand total of £15. She said oh we knew she wouldn't be needing much as she has enough already, we already know she asked other SIL's for a list of what their children needed. I said very graciously, thanks very much & dd say ta ta to Nana for the pressies. I was not going to be drawn as I actually think she wants it to be broached so I appear materialistic etc etc, my poor DH is so upset & mortified, I wouldn't blame him but don't want we have said we are not going to lower ourself to her level as it seems clear she wants an issue made of it. But again I cried & cried on the way home due to the injustice of it all.... My heart is breaking for dd.

WaitingForPeterWimsey Sat 14-Dec-13 13:58:47

Sorry to hear that hmm

puntasticusername Sat 14-Dec-13 14:11:23

Oh no, very sorry to hear that.

It sounds as if you handled it brilliantly with her though - you didn't rise to the bait, and you made sure your DD thanked MIL politely for the gifts. thanks to you, sounds horrid.

BlingBang Sat 14-Dec-13 14:17:05

You know what she is like, accept it and do what you need to do to stop being hurt. She can only treat you how you let her treat you. Either stay clear or have it out with her and tell her how you feel. Doesn't sound like you have anything to lose.

Noctilucent Sat 14-Dec-13 14:25:30

Stop crying. This woman is not worth your tears. Your DD deserves a better grandmother, yes, but you cannot make this woman be such a person.

You can, however, be exactly as you are already, which is a great parent, which means your DD will never feel the loss of such a person.

diddl Sat 14-Dec-13 14:39:18

Well if she favours other GDs, she only makes herself look bad.

Can't remeber how old your daughter is, but she might enjoy the teaset?

15GBP sounds an OK sum of money to me tbh.

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 14:43:34

Thanks for mshe, still v upset, we know she has spent alot more on the other grandchildren, she had made comments before about "how much"dd has & how she doesn't "need" anything, other grandkids taken to expensive Santa experience etc so it is extremely unequal...

Helpyourself Sat 14-Dec-13 14:46:44

This isn't a problem unless you make it one. Don't let your DD see you upset over this.

BlingBang Sat 14-Dec-13 14:55:29

How are the other GC financially. Do they struggle compared to you?

FunnyFestiveTableRunner Sat 14-Dec-13 14:56:28

Look OP I really feel for you but you know what she's like. You need to reduce contact to the absolute minimum and be determinedly unconcerned. If she pulls that shit again better to be almost sarcastically over the top. 'Wow, MIL bitch from hell, how incredibly generous of you. Isn't this just amazing DD? Aren't you lucky to have such a generous GM!' etc etc. She'll get the point and can't say a damned thing about it. Then smile at her nicely with a look in your eyes that says, 'You are a cunt MIL. You know that's what I'm thinking. What are you going to do about it?'

Stay away from this woman. And BTW the presents themselves sound okay (you'll have people who won't bother RTT and will wade in telling you off for being grabby). I know it's the bigger picture that's annoying you.

Back waaaaaaaay off.

AGypsiesWife Sat 14-Dec-13 15:00:03

Ultimately she is only going to damage herself. Your SILs will have noticed this bizarre behaviour and judge her accordingly. Your daughters will recognise that Granny is a dismal old bitch, of their own accord and steer well clear. She'll end up lonely and avoided. That is my experience, anyhow. My XMIL was like this. My present MIL is wonderful, thank God.

AGypsiesWife Sat 14-Dec-13 15:04:32

BTW you seem to be a lovely person. Don't be heartbroken, she is absolutely not worth it. Your daughters will see what a lovely granny is in
your DM and recognise your MIL for what she is. x

Divinity Sat 14-Dec-13 15:21:02

Put as much distance you can between yourself and your MIL. You must protect you DD (soon to be DDs wink). This is essential. Your DD may not know what's going on now but she will very soon.

My mother used to do this with my DSs. DS2 was the scapegoat. He wasn't even 3 years old when, very subdued, he asked why his grandmother didn't love him. She destroyed his self-confidence at such a young age. I cut contact with her and put DS2 into counselling. It helped a lot. He still suffers from a lack of self-confidence but he's much more confident than he was, and much more relaxed and happier for not being in contact with his grandmother.

Something to be aware of. Your MIL will be as dramatic with your SILs. I'm sure she will "big up" the one SIL when visiting the other. This creates tension and drama within a family group and ensures she remains the point of contact at the heart of it. (Think spider in a web).

You do not need this rubbish.

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 15:29:07

Ah it's just upsetting as it's dd's 1st Christmas as well as 2 of the other grandchildren, blingbang one set of GD very well off(but understated & unholy) other set same as us(but have the poor mouth always complaining about money). The gift in itself is perfectly adequate but a patch on what others will receive. If people have read thread from start they will know this is only another incident in a long line against poor dd, I really feel she wants me to rise to the bait nbt she'sanother thing coming, we will be avoiding like the plague &,when I see her Ill just be indifferent, cool, calm & collected, aaaaah I hate her!!!

WTFlike Sat 14-Dec-13 15:32:37

You know what she's like, WHY do you keep going back for her to slap you in the face again?!

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 15:34:57

Divinity that is shocking but Im all too aware of how it could happen at such a young age, all children want id love & approval & when that's not met their self esteem is dented & they feel inferior. Good on you being proactive with the counselling & glad to hear your dd is doing well x Im determined my dd's will not be put through the same anguish, it's terrible to witness & as dd's mom up to.me to put an end to it without rising to the bait which is what she wants X

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 15:38:49

Warlike we are spending Xmas with my family & wouldn't see them before we left so they wanted us to call with dd to see her before she left, I wouldn't leave dd in her company without me.

BlingBang Sat 14-Dec-13 15:52:57

I do understand to a degree and don't leave my father alone with my kids as he can be manipulative and an emotional and verbal bully. But my dad doesn't play favourites, he's like that with everyone - or at least women and children.

You say you'll protect them but you are still in her presence dealing with her behaviour and hearing what she says. I know it's hard to go total NC but you or your husband don't seem to challenge her on her behaviour. Have you ever actually stood up to her and had an arguement?

RandomMess Sat 14-Dec-13 16:10:26

I think you should let your dh carry on visiting MIL if he wants to but stop your dc seeing her. They will pick up on it soon enough - perhaps another year at most.

answers Sat 14-Dec-13 16:16:45

I don't know if this will help but I have an interesting relationship with my MIL. My two girls are much older now but have always been 2nd best to DH's parents... less spent at Christmas, never asked how they were doing but much talk of others... well now this is MIL's loss... she is on her own ... darling boys who she raved about can't be bothered - only grunt don't seem to string two sentences together and she is missing out on my girls as they want pretty much nothing to do with her... chat nicely but have nowhere near the relationship they had with my darling mum .. makes me smile as I think well you reap what you sew... enjoy your precious girls - love the memories they make with your mum and forget the ones your MIL is making ... Have a fantastic Christmas with all your loving family ....

AChristmassyJerseySpud Sat 14-Dec-13 16:31:43

tbh now i would be sending DH to visit them by himself. Let him deal with her and keep you DD away from her.

Having a lovely Christmas with your family x

MoominsYonisAreScary Sat 14-Dec-13 16:36:15

Sounds like my mil. Ds received 2 pairs of jogging bottoms for his first Christmas while the dns got a trip to Disney land Paris

Chocolateteabag Sat 14-Dec-13 16:40:20

Really feel for you OP

My advice would be to always have a smile on your face when you have to see her. You'll obviously have to think of really nice things/ funny jokes to do it. But nothing annoys a bitch more than someone they can't upset.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 14-Dec-13 16:59:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UmpireHalfTimeKids Sat 14-Dec-13 18:14:58

I think bragmatic has it.
Why be friends? Why try? Why feel so bad about disliki g her!

Yes the mil is a bitch, but if u were more co fident her comments would touch u .

My xmil wanted me to adore her. I never did but i competed with other dils as she wanted us to. She also had only sons. She did dote on my dd but treated me like a lower life form. Interrupted me, contradicted me, let me down at last min when i had pinned her down to babysit.
Now i make zero effort. Well shes my xmil! I feel sorry for her now. She never sees kids because her son is toothoughtless and selfish to include her, and im not facilirating it as she was so vile to me.
I forgive her now though. I just dont care. She is so peripheral now. Its a shame from her perspective necause im nice, too nice for my own good, and if she hadnt gone to war with a nice person to prove...... whaaaat? Then she'd have gc in her life.

Good luck stay strong. If u dont care that she's a crackers old bitch that will really annoy her!

flamby Sat 14-Dec-13 18:15:22

Hi Yummy. I'm new to mumsnet so I hope you don't mind me wading in with my 2 cents in my very first post! Your post just really resonated with me because I have a whole new family of in-laws and there is a lot of this kind of thing amongst the aunts and uncles and cousins.

Your MiL sounds like an absolute nightmare. My experience of people like that is that they thrive on the reasonableness and kindness of nice people like you and what they like least of all is a direct, calm confrontation. I would suggest that your husband gather his siblings and parents together (no sister-in-laws, without you there either) and explain that you and he feel that there is a problem with the way your MiL is treating your daughter and that you want to resolve it so that you can continue to have a full relationship with the family. If there isn't a resolution you are happy with (e.g. a commitment from your MiL to change her behaviour or at least to respond to you when you tell her she isn't behaving properly) then you will have no choice but to limit your contact with her.

After that, if she ever does anything inappropriate again, you can tell her quite simply that she is crossing a line and it isn't acceptable. If she tries to argue, tell her you don't want to discuss it, you are requesting her to change her behaviour. If she keeps trying, stand up and walk out. Ask your husband to do the same. Don't fight with her, just walk away.

Essentially, I'd say that you and your husband can have control of the situation because the contact with her son is important to her. You need to make it really clear to your husband that you will have a relationship with your MiL and that you support him in his desire to be close to his parents, but that there are limits to the behaviour you can tolerate and you would like his help in setting them. Hopefully that way he can see you are on his side and that you are a team. It isn't about firefighting the individual instances of unpleasantness but having a long-term strategy to establish a relationship you can be happy with and take the poison out of a nasty situation.

She sounds like a mean, nasty bully. Try not to get sucked into her manipulative games. She is thriving on passive-aggression and relying on everyone trying to keep her happy.

Good luck - I know it is really hard, but you can't be expected to be in tears every time you leave her house and you and your husband are bearing the consequences of her unpleasantness. It is time she dealt with them instead! Sending positive thoughts your way!

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 18:38:33

Thanks for the replies, a confrontation won't work, DH tried to broach the subject with FIL before after dd was born when I was still trying my best to fit in & FIL got very frustrated saying they were really busy hence why they didn't really make much of an effort with DD or me while I was on mat leave. So no will defo avoid that beacuse she is the type who thrives on drama & would love to make me out to be the one causing all the aggro, she can twist any situation....

Hissy Sat 14-Dec-13 19:30:15

This is the last year you can get away with this, given divinity's experience.

You have to rule a line here and agree to no more contact, return all gifts and say 'yes, you're absolutely right, they don't need a thing from you, thanks, but no need'

No more visits/calls/nothing.

These are your children, you only get one chance at their childhood.

You will be doing the best possible thing for them.

((hugs)) I know this is hard!

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 20:10:47

Thanks hissy, Divinity's experience is terrible alright & I can see just how easily it could happen. DH & I were shopping this evening & we brought back the leggings & bibs for a no receipt exchange, picked out a beautiful little party dress for next Christmas so at least we got something we felt was more substantial.
I know I come accross as materialistic but I'm not I just wanted my DD to be treated equally, it's obvious now she never will be so we are just leaving MIL off, DH was so upset today.
I think our passive/non-commital attitude is starting to get under MIL's skin as she was always clever enough to cover up her behaviour in front of DH who always tried to see things from her perspective but now her cover is starting to slide big time I guess it was only a matter of time before DH saw her true colours...

BlingBang Sat 14-Dec-13 21:30:24

But you really don't seem to be dealing with it. She is walking all over you and you keep coming back for more. You are just going round in circles and enabling the sole drama. You don't have to let you treat you like this. Are you quite young?

Hissy Sat 14-Dec-13 21:39:19

Just stop taking calls, don't contact them and leave it there. Walk away. All of you.

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 22:00:42

BlingBang no I'm in my early 30s!!!!! Hissy that's what we have to do, feel bad about FIL as he really is a lovely man & is genuinely crazy about dd, for the last couple months any correspondence like texts/phonecalls has been to him from DH & I. We have cut down to the bare minimum of contact, just need to get the next steps. I never reply to MIL's texts, she very very rarely texts me anyways.

You and your DD don't have to have any contact whatsoever with this woman.

You DH can go round there without you both. No going round for family meals. No popping in together. If FIL misses your DD he can pop round without MIL. If they turn up on your doorstep to visit (highly unlikely) exclaim "oh what a shame DD has a play date/ check up we were just about to leave!".

Having any sort of contact with this horrid woman will do you and your DD no good whatsoever. If your DH is resistant to your DD having no contact with his mum ask him, if this was any other adult bullying and excluding his DD would he insist on repeating the experience over and over?

Hissy Sat 14-Dec-13 22:13:44

Trouble is, if DH carried on going around, then it's tacit approval of mil's behaviour (in her little head)

He has to make this, love me, love my family: it's non-negotiable.

He has to show her his balls are bigger than hers in effect.

(although I realise that this is a particularly hideous mental image) smile

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 22:17:05

Today was a real eye-opener for dh, he's livid. As I said it's one of the first few times she's let her guard down in front of dh & as they say actions speak louder than words so she showed herself up big time today. We are avoiding her as much as humanly possible, we exchanged Christmas gifts today so really no other need to see them over the holidays now & I'll be at my own families until after New Years, come 2014 my new dd will be arriving & I simply won't have time to even entertain thoughts of her.

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 22:22:13

Hissy that is a hilarious & very disturbing image haha!!!! No he was never great to call in the first place, he's very close to his dad but not MIL! He is very upset, spoke about it earlier was going to text FIL etc but I stopped him as that's rising to the bait & I'm not having her tarnish memories of DD's 1st Christmas. I am 100% sure she is looking for a confrontation & she makes sure we are aware of how well she treats other grandkids etc... Dh is realising dd is the victim here so he will be towing the line with this, zero contact!

Hissy Sat 14-Dec-13 22:29:07

That's good. Your dh has seen the truth.

Trust me though that the brain works really hard to wipe out that shock he's had and he's likely to forget why he's angry with his mother.

I can't explain it, but to live this truth, you have to remind yourself all the time that what the person did really was that bad.

I'm so sorry, this stuff hurts. The réalisation of just how screwed up your family is is like peeling off your own skin, time and time again.

Reassure him. Remind him and gather as much patience as possible.

Hissy Sat 14-Dec-13 22:33:42

Stately Homes thread can really help those with families like your dh, if he ever needs to talk, please point him over to the thread?

YummyMummybee Sat 14-Dec-13 23:25:01

Thanks Hissy, he is upset but understands MIL is scapegoating me which in turn will be DD, sorry actually is DD, she is the victim in all this.

HansieMom Sat 14-Dec-13 23:31:37

She is making me quite angry. When she gave you the sweater and said she had not knit it for your daughter, it is for SILs upcoming baby, I would have given it back.

My paternal grandma preferred my cousin, about six months younger than me, to me. I remember thinking, why does she like Kathy better than me? I told my aunt this once and she said her first son felt that way too. I did not learn until a few years ago that Kathy's mom was unwed and they lived with her parents for awhile.

Another thing this woman did, and I did not find out about this til I was grown, was at Christmas seventy one years ago. My dad was the first one married, and he and my pregnant mom were there at Christmas. Everyone got a present except for my mom.

I never cared much for this Grandma and have no memories of personal interaction with her. My other Grandma was and is very dear to me, even though she died forty six years ago.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Sat 14-Dec-13 23:35:03

Oh dear, it's so painful having your child treated badly, one of the worst feelings actually, as you are hurt again and again and you see your little ones perfect innocence and vulnerability and what a cow to try and hurt that - although thinking about it it probably hasn't occurred to her what effect she's having as that would require thinking about someone other than herself.

I'm very glad your dh in on side with protecting your precious dds, they need him to protect them as well as you.

Well done for being strong and have a lovely Christmas without the unpleasant b*tch!

MimiSunshine Sat 14-Dec-13 23:49:32

I know you've already decided on the name for DD2 but please whatever you do, don't change your mind and include MILs name. She doesn't deserve it and what if she had a complete turn around and made DD2 the golden child and attempted to spoil her while still treating DD1 the way she does?

I'd prepare your 'statement' on the name (or lack of) now, make sure the announcement to family comes from DH (doubt she'll really go got it to him) but both have the same rationale ready so you can state it calmly.
To be honest I'd be tempted to go for polite honesty, something like "we love the name, it's a classic, don't you agree?" And if she actually comments in her name not being used do as others have suggested and say "well you've always made it clear you aren't a fan of girls so we didn't think it appropriate" then smile and say cup of tea?

ProphetOfDoom Sun 15-Dec-13 07:17:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nennypops Sun 15-Dec-13 08:27:46

I'm really puzzled about the situation with FIL, particularly if he loves dd as you say. Surely he can see the difference in he way his wife is treating dd, also the fact that all communication is coming via him? Is he just closing his eyes to it?

SanityClause Sun 15-Dec-13 09:06:54

I can answer that nenny. My FIL is similar to this. He has been so cowed by MIL and her EA, that it's "anything for a quiet life".

By defending the OP's DD, her FIL would be putting himself in the firing line, and having experienced that in the past, he has no intention of putting himself there again! (So a child suffers, but at least it's not him. angry)

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