...to be slightly repulsed by DP?

(85 Posts)

OK, I laughed this off at first. And I am TRYING to be understanding. But it's actually getting seriously impactful now.

DP, about 6 months ago, developed this really weird habit. I had thought it was just because he had a cold. He basically grunts really loudly (I mean REALLY loudly) and hoiks up all the phlegm in his mouth, and then gobs it all (even more loudly) in the nearest receptacle. Repeatedly.

He does it in earshot of guests (though, tellingly, not his DPs). In front of the twins (so they have started copying the noise, which he just finds amusing). He does it A LOT first thing in the morning during his ablutions. And - which is where it's impacting - last thing at night. I'm trying soooo hard to ignore it, but it doesn't make for a Barry White moment. It's actually making my skin crawl and my teeth shiver and it's REALLY REALLY hard to fancy him and leap into his arms when he comes to bed.

Once, in his sleep, he even did it on my head. I jest not. That was a new low...

I've tried mentioning it in a non-naggy way only to be dismissed. I once even read out an article about things we find disgusting and why, which included chesty things like this, because at a subconscious level we see it as a sign of illness and therefore find it physically repellent because we don't want to be infected.

Do you think he IS ill? Do normal people have that amount of phlegm/catarrh? He doesn't have a cough/wheeze. He IS overweight (which doesn't help either, and he also SNORES like a particularly choked up walrus).

How can I make him aware of it? A bit more discreet? Just to TONE IT DOWN A BIT? I really don't want to be whingey, because I'm not like that at all, and I'm sure I have my own irritating habits. But he genuinely would get more action if he could just STOP BEING SO DISGUSTING!

Suggestions ladies please. Has anyone else had this or similar? How did you gently get them to desist?

sparklysilversequins Mon 18-Nov-13 09:30:50

I felt sick just reading that. I would find it extremely hard to live with.

I would say "I find you deeply unattractive when you do that, it's really poor manners, please see a doctor"

Sounds like he could have allergies. Is he asthmatic by any chance?

Peekingduck Mon 18-Nov-13 09:34:24

I would literally heave if anyone was constantly doing that around me. He needs to go to the doctor. It's not just the possibility of a physical problem though really is it? It's his total lack of consideration for you and others around him. I find it very telling that he doesn't do it when his parents are present, which seems to indicate he does it deliberately and hasn't got any physical reason. I think he's just being a filthy, nasty, inconsiderate git.
In which case... what does that mean in terms of respect in your marriage?
How bloody horrible for you.

Peekingduck Mon 18-Nov-13 09:35:41

p.s. I'd also find it almost impossible to have a sexual relationship, constantly wondering if he was going to do that revolting thing at some point.
He sounds a real prize. sad

SaucyJack Mon 18-Nov-13 09:35:51

I think you need to separate his physical phlegm problem from his really anti-social way of dealing with it.

He can't help the first, but he can absolutely help the second and don't feel bad about telling him.

Joysmum Mon 18-Nov-13 09:38:43

There's 2 issues here, firstly the medical issue and I'd be advising he visit a doctor if it's been going on for any length of time.

Secondly is the manners and consideration of others issue. I'd not accept that behaviour and distance myself from him explaining it makes me feel sick and that his lack of consideration for my feelings was the most upsetting aspect of it all.

If that sorted the issue, all well and good. If he continued to deliberately dismiss my feelings I'd then see it as disrespectful and a sign if something seriously wrong in his attitude towards me and our relationship and that would escalate things for me. We'd be in real trouble.

steppemum Mon 18-Nov-13 09:38:49

Tell him, very honestly, sit down and say just what you have said in your OP. I would even say 'you don't do it in front of your DPs, which suggests that you know it isn't on'

If it is a problem, he needs to see GP if it is a habit, he needs to know that it is affecting your sex life. He will be shocked at that (hopefully) so it should be a wake up call.

I would be nice, admit that you know neither of you are perfect, don't want to hurt his feelings, but he needs to know.

The allergy thought's an interesting one. And even if that's not the case, suggesting I think he might be ill gives me 'permission' to bring it up in a 'nice' way, I guess. Plus the nookie bit.

He really is so considerate about almost everything else, it's quite odd. Like this morning I got greeted with a coffee in bed and the news he'd pushed back a meeting so he could drive me and the girls to nursery because it's chucking it down.

(Sorry, am doing what I HATE, which is OPs slating their partner's behaviour and then leaping to their defence!! I say 'almost everything else' because there is a bit of a theme of other things which irritate me eg STUFF JUST LEFT LYING AROUND EVERYWHERE being dismissed when I mention it, though DMIL did bring his messiness/disrespect up too, which he mentioned to me, smiling and saying he'd had a telling off, so...)

nocarsgo Mon 18-Nov-13 09:54:10

The fact that he's afflicted with loads if phlegm is totally separate from the OTT and completely disgusting way he chooses to deal with it. It's absolutely repellent and shows he has no manners or class or respect for you and how it makes you feel.

FWIW my FIL is a bitter, twisted, anti-social nutcase and he does this. Every time I've ever stayed at the in laws' house over the last twelve years I've woken up to the sound of him snorting and hocking up phlegm in the bathroom. For ages. With the door open. He just doesn't give a shit about how disgusting it is because he's, well, not a very nice person.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Nov-13 09:59:53

That makes me feel sick.

I'd be really blunt. It's disgusting and you're disgusted by it. I couldn't feel attracted to one one oung that and would say so. I'd also point out that he's too rude and disgusting to be taken anywhere and you'll be asking him to go out when you have friends round in future if he can't restrain himself. His choice!

Nagoo Mon 18-Nov-13 10:00:20

YANBU, it's disgusting. I work in a public place, and I asked a man to desist hawking up phlegm on the floor. He looked surprised to be asked to stop doing it. Why it is a shock to anyone that others are offended and disgusted by them gobbing all over the place is beyond my understanding.

Also, who gets to wash out the 'receptacle'? envy

BergholtStuttleyJohnson Mon 18-Nov-13 10:01:02

My DH does this, it makes me feel sick but he does have a reason for it, in his case it's to do with being born with a cleft lip and palette, he's more mucousy than most, I think it doesn't drain properly or something. I get really pissed off if dh does it front of me, if he goes to the bathroom that's fine. One thing I also remember is that it's not pleasant for him either. Medical reason or not though he shouldn't be doing it in front of people.

valiumredhead Mon 18-Nov-13 10:01:46

Ewwww, you are only SLIGHTLY repulsed by this?shock

get him to the doctors

scarletforya Mon 18-Nov-13 10:09:32

Why are you being so soft about this?

You're worried about nagging him? Seriously?

Read him the riot act. What he is doing is disgusting and totally unacceptable. Are you telling us he's spitting phlegm everywhere, even on you one time?

Jesus, op put your foot down.

steppemum Mon 18-Nov-13 10:11:46

Does he smoke? That could cause the excess phlegm.

DaddyPigsMistress Mon 18-Nov-13 10:33:12

No. Just no, its grim

Id have to leave the dirty bastard

Gosh, maybe I AM too soft!! Are you genuinely this firm with your other halves??

He doesn't do it all over the place BTW. Just in various loos with, like nocarsgo's FIL, the doors ajar. And in waste paper baskets. And the kitchen sink. And out the car window...


Sparrowghost Mon 18-Nov-13 10:40:57


TheCrumpetQueen Mon 18-Nov-13 10:41:40

He gobbed on your head? LTB

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 18-Nov-13 10:42:51

He did it on your head, OP! Ewwwww! I am not that tough with DH but something like this I would have to say something - assuming I had not screamed loudly and shrieked 'that's disgusting! Get away from me!' when he did it on my head. Which I would have done, because ewwwwwwww.

steppemum Mon 18-Nov-13 10:43:37

well, yes I would be that firm, if it is something disgusting like this.
I have been really cross and firm over one or two things which are hygiene, manners.

There is a place, it is in the bathroom with the door shut. Not sink/waste basket (yuck) or out of car window.

I really think he needs to see GP though as he does seem to have a lot of phlegm.

DaddyPigsMistress Mon 18-Nov-13 10:44:08

I honestly truly belives spitters should have their faces rubbed in the spit.its fucking dirty.

Spiiting on the street is horrific.

I come over all 'hang the fuckers' when i see someone doing it

forgetmenots Mon 18-Nov-13 10:46:39

Boak. No, I'm with the hard liners OP. Would he like you doing it? If not, then get him told.

bundaberg Mon 18-Nov-13 10:47:22

that is really disgusting! the fact that he doesn't do it when his parents are around shows quite clearly that he can control it and is choosing to do it.

if he claims he "needs" to do it then send him to the bloody doctor

TheCrumpetQueen Mon 18-Nov-13 10:47:45

Get a long stick, and everytime he does it whack him then he will associate it with something unpleasant.

Lancelottie Mon 18-Nov-13 10:49:31

Now, anyone got any cures for permanently farty DH? Or are charcoal knickers the only option?

(yes he's seen the GP, repeatedly, for gastro-y things but I just bet he's never mentioned this aspect.)

Film him doing it then show him the film. Ask him if he really wants that to be the abiding image everyone has of him.

roguepixie Mon 18-Nov-13 10:51:11

That is seriously disgusting. The fact is you find it repellent and don't want him to do it and he is dismissive.

Tell him to stop. It's disgusting. He is gobbing in sinks, FFS!!! And on the pavement...absolutely foul behaviour.

Be firm. Unless he has some serious lung condition or medical reason for it then he needs to stop it now.

TheCrumpetQueen Mon 18-Nov-13 10:51:17

Might be dairy intolerance Lancelottie

thecrumpetqueen grin

I think the question - would he like me doing it - is a jolly good one.

Right. I will have The Conversation tonight. And then just to start on my DM picking wax out of her ear with a kerby grip and FLICKING IT ON MY FLOOR. I am surrounded by pigs. Actually, that's unkind to pigs...

Lancelottie Mon 18-Nov-13 10:55:48

Really, Crumpet? He keeps swigging milk to ease heartburn (not sure it's more medically effective than, say, the super-strength ranitidine and rabeprazole that he's meant to be taking) so it'd be interesting if that's what is aggravating everything!

Thanks -- and apols for the hijack, StinkingB

Shallistopnow Mon 18-Nov-13 11:11:25

Does he smoke?

If he started jogging or running that may help as he'd get a load up in one go then if he kept doing it the rest of the time you could start hitting him with a stick.

He's an occasional social smoker (ie nabs them off me if we're out for dinner, but maybe max 5 fags a week). He does jog at the weekends, actually. And I get treated to the resulting massive gob when he collapses back in!!!

I am wondering if it's allergies you know. We moved into an old house a year ago, so there's probably loads of things lurking. I'm not sure it can be food though as it's only been 6 months, and our diet hasn't changed?

SplitHeadGirl Mon 18-Nov-13 11:37:05

He sounds like a guy I used to work with. He drank a bit too much so had problems with his stomach, and smoked a lot which meant he was always phlegmy and spitting and gobbing in the alley beside work. It was revolting. We worked next door to a restaurant and customers actually complained about him and the noise he was making.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Mon 18-Nov-13 11:41:30

This so reminds me of the poo crumbs thread. smile

Sorry OP, I'm with the big stick idea suggested upthread.

DropYourSword Mon 18-Nov-13 11:45:16

It could also be something called post nasal drip. I suffer from this and it feels like I'm permanently drowning in my throat. Doctors so far have been very little help. And on occasion I DO have to do the horrible grunty snorty thing to be able to talk or breathe. But in the bathroom. And I cringe constantly and apologize to understanding DH blush

I am soooo going to search for the poo crumbs thread wink

valiumredhead Mon 18-Nov-13 12:03:11

Was the poo crumbs thread the one where a poor soul wasn't sure if her dp picking his arse in the bath while she was also in it was acceptable? I often wonder if she managed to LTB.

OP I cannot believe you have managed to keep quiet this farshock honestly if Dh did that in this house I wouldn't have to say anything as ds would react for me he'd be so disgusted!!

ThisIsBULLSHIT Mon 18-Nov-13 12:08:26

Oh YUK! In a bin?!?!? In the SINK?!?!?

Fucking hell. That is so gross I can't find a word for it.

Can you do some equally repellant thing back every time he does it? That would be my way of dealing with it! Can't really think of anything grosser at the mo. <thinking hat>

ThisIsBULLSHIT Mon 18-Nov-13 12:10:01

Actually I can but they are too disgusting. grin.
My dd once picked a massive bogey out of her nose, which DH absolutely hates, so we put it in a little ring box for him and she presented it to him that evening. I still laugh at the 'bogey in a box' incident now!!!!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Mon 18-Nov-13 12:13:20



In a 'which one of these would you like least' situation, I'd have to think very hard.

And the words "please stop doing that, it's absolutely disgusting" have never passed your lips?

steppemum Mon 18-Nov-13 12:35:30

I have just clicked poo crumbs

I now think I have to go and give my dh a kiss as he is obviously a hygienic angel grin

YouTheCat Mon 18-Nov-13 12:36:55

He does it out of the car window? Vile and worse than spitting imo. Spreading his phlegm.

How would he like it if someone did that and it went in his face?

Yes longtall have tried:

1. Straight, eugh, that's disgusting, can you stop please?
2. Is there any way of doing it more quietly please?
3. Here is scientific evidence as to why it makes people's skin crawl
4. Coughing loudly in bed when I can hear him doing it
5. Exclaiming 'oh goooodddd' and theatrically covering my face with a pillow
6. Asking whether he does it at work (answer, alarmingly, is yes, but it is a prehistoric office where there is only one woman there and a load of middle aged men)

When he deigns to respond it's with 'I can't help it, have some sympathy woman'...

PS have just read poo crumbs. I think this is marginally less yuk. In the same way being killed by lightning is probably marginally less painful than being killed by a T Rex...

RevelsRoulette Mon 18-Nov-13 13:21:44

I am retching just reading this. I truly believe that I would vomit if forced to live with it.

Get angry! He is revolting.

He most certainly can help it. He can carry tissues. He can blow his nose. He can go to see a doctor. If he smokes, he can stop. He can respect the fact that it is a revolting thing to be forced to witness and he can leave the room to do it!

When you said that he spits it into the nearest receptacle, I had visions of him spitting into empty cups, flower pots etc and I thought that is so disgusting that there must actually be something seriously wrong with his thought processes for him to not realise it! grin

Eurgh. I hate it when you hear someone doing this. It is making me gag just reading it.

Tell him to get his arse to the doctor if he feels it is out of his control. He can help it.


lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Nov-13 13:48:15

Well I wouldn't be able to help puking on his shoes, or excluding him from normal human (I don't even need to go so far as polite) company. Where is his sympathy for um, anyone?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Mon 18-Nov-13 13:52:03

But at least with poo crumbs, the shame can be kept within the house.

I would be mortified if DH did this within public earshot. I would have to walk off in a 'never seen this person before in my whole life' way.

Onsera3 Mon 18-Nov-13 13:59:25

It is very gross but I can sympathise with your DH as this happens to me! If I eat dairy I have to gob it back out in the following days esp if I have a cold. It's not an allergy just some kind of intolerance to the casein. But I am very apologetic as I know DH can hear me through the bathroom door. And I seldom eat dairy either so hardly happens.

Does he apologise or seem grossed out himself? He might have some allergies. But it's only a recent problem?

squoosh Mon 18-Nov-13 14:04:27

A man across the road from me does this as he walks down the street. It repulses me to the extreme and I dream about punching him in the face, but as I'm not a violent person alas the punching must remain a dream. I often pity his poor wife having to put up with such a phlegmy scumbag.


If he won't listen well maybe his penis will. Tell him that he's becoming less attractive by the day and that your sexual desire for him is in danger of disappearing to the point of no return.

TwoTearsInABucket Mon 18-Nov-13 14:05:11

I have been coughing up phlegm lumps since being pregnant. They make me feel sick let alone everyone else.

Your DH should absolutely not be spitting them out of the window, in a bin etc. that's utterly disgusting! I do it into a tissue and then dispose of the tissue.

He should definitely be more discreet, my sympathies to you op.

Update. As luck (in a way) would have it he came back home complaining of mouth ulcers and in his ear (?) Apparently he got this once before and it's because he has a narrow eustachian tube and was meant to see an ENT person but never did (this being decades ago). And he is therefore prone to infections.

I said very casually-like, oo, do you think that's something to do with your snoring and your phlegm then?

Oh no, I'd love to blame that but I can't, that doesn't come from my ear.

Yes, DP, ear, nose and throat are all connected. Hence 'ENT'. And you being told to see one. Twenty years ago!

He is calling them in the morning smile.

Now just to tackle the general issue of politesse...

TwoTearsInABucket Mon 18-Nov-13 20:14:35

Do you have kids that use your phone/any equipment capable of video?
DS has unbeknownst to me and DH been videoing us in our day to day lives. He is six, it hasn't been doing it undercover or anything. But it was an eye opener! DH was slightly repulsed by watching himself stick two hands down his trousers and give his balls a good scratch.
Video your DH hawking up phlegm into a receptacle that shouldn't have phlegm in it and then play it back to him.

I hope ent sort it for your sake smile

TheDoctrineOfWho Mon 18-Nov-13 20:21:12

Onsera, you are doing it in the bathroom with the door closed and apologising.

The OP's DH...isn't!

Christ that is disgusting....show him this thread OP - should give him a general consensus of opinion.

Or, as a previous poster suggested, rub his nose in it.

paxtecum Mon 18-Nov-13 21:14:40

Dairy intolerance.
The ENT appointment will be a while away.
Get him to cut all cow's dairy out of his diet in the meantime.

Mouthfulofquiz Mon 18-Nov-13 21:54:43

I could have written this op myself. It's so fucking gross. And so irritating.

Right. Well, it has been a constructive 24 hours on the phlegm front, kicked off by all the hardline support here! Galvanised, I went into polite battle.

He is seeing the GP next week, and an ENT consultant the week after. Hallelujah.

I asked whether it would be helpful for me to write a list of what I observed his symptoms to be and, using that pretext, had a little word about the gobbing. I said it just wasn't natural. he said 'really?' Er, NOOOOO DP. He claimed not to be aware of it most of the time. I said therefore I would point it out to him when he did it smile.

Last night I heard him creep into the bathroom, shut the door, and run the shower to disguise the noise of the hoiking.

This is all a good start as regards the house training. So thank you good women of MN grin.

reelingintheyears Tue 19-Nov-13 13:24:01

Oh good Lord, stab him, repeatedly.

That is vile.

mitchsta Tue 19-Nov-13 14:27:44

I seem to get lots of phlegm in the evenings. I'm sure it's related to the heating being on/temperature as I used to get it in my friend's car when the heating was on full blast. Although our heating is set fairly low and it doesn't happen every evening, so I'm really not sure what the cause is. Anyway, it does result in quite a lot of throat clearing, which I'm sure is annoying enough for my OH, but I would never, ever, EVER hoik it up and then gob it out. There's just no need. It's disgusting and a really bad example to set your kids.

I constantly have to slap my OH's hand when I see him fiddling around down his pants. When he claims it's normal/natural, etc I have to point out that he never does it when we're with our parents or other couples, etc. Just me. So he gets a slap.

Objection Tue 19-Nov-13 15:19:19

Start doing it yourself smile or develop and equally disgusting habit and making it a disgusting habit war.

BlinkeyBlimey Tue 19-Nov-13 15:21:00

On your head? shock

SueDoku Tue 19-Nov-13 16:00:15

Just a quick mention to say that your original OP talked about him being overweight and snoring - your GP might want to refer him to a sleep apnoea clinic to investigate, as this would tie in with the other symptoms and can be quite serious... hmm

manticlimactic Tue 19-Nov-13 16:16:06

out the car window shock

That, along with the rest of the 'receptacles', is awful. If my OH(if I had one) did this he'd soon stop as I'd be throwing up every time he did it <retch>

manticlimactic Tue 19-Nov-13 16:16:28

Glad he's realised and is off to the docs though smile

valiumredhead Tue 19-Nov-13 16:23:26

I'd go along the 'if you ever want sex again you'll stop this immediately!' routewink

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 19-Nov-13 16:25:32

A while ago I worked with a woman that was quite pretty (but a bit opinionated) and was always moaning about the fact that she couldn't keep a boyfriend for more than a date or two. Then she did what you have described (but without the spitting bit) and I thought, 'Mmmm...there's yer answer love! She did it a lot - boak!

whois Tue 19-Nov-13 16:59:04

That is fucking gross. Coughing up is to be done in the bathroom only behind closed doors!

Can't believe he coughed up phlegm on your head in his sleep! EWWWWWWW

EvenBetter Tue 19-Nov-13 17:31:27

That is ab.so.lutely. disgusting
Even if he did have a medical condition he didn't bother his hole to sort it out himself like an adult. And he can control it. An he spat on you

I heave anytime I see some filth merchant hawking phlegm in the street, I can believe women who have sex with such creatures exist!! (Obviously excluding CF sufferers an people with actual medical problems, although I'm sure they wouldn't do what OPs husband does)

hackmum Tue 19-Nov-13 17:39:41

OP, is your DP the one who has an alcohol problem? Or am I confusing you with someone else?

Just thought there might be a connection. It is indeed revolting - yanbu.

JumpingJackSprat Tue 19-Nov-13 17:44:59

Im glad he is taking you seriously because if my DP did that, specially doing it ON me I think I want to kill him. Some dirty little gobshite spat like that on my schoolbag at school once. I should have retaliated by puking on him.

hackmum he has the odd friends/work evening out where he goes a bit kerazee (in a middle aged Dad way!) but not a problem, no. Just maybe a bit tiresome (I'm teetotal). I was worried about him a couple of years so maybe it was that?? In which case you have a VERY good memory!

He did acknowledge last night though that social drinking/smoking/overeating won't be helping at all. Which is good. I do think there is some other explanation though.

I get this a lot, especially in winter and when I'm outdoors a lot. If he brings up a lot of oddly-coloured mucus he needs an expectorant, possibly a humidifier as well, and needs to shield his mouth. That'll reduce the amount of times he'll need to clear the passageways, so to speak.

As for the spitting, I have never spit publicly into anything other than a discreetly held tissue. There is no need to be disgusting about it. If he accuses you of nagging, just keep it up because it's awful, and a health hazard. If he's sick, he needs medicine, if he's not, he needs to manage his effluvia better.

Oh, and I got my boyfriend to stop smoking around me by repeatedly telling him he was going to make me ill. So that works too.

ArtexMonkey Wed 20-Nov-13 00:37:19

Doing it on you in bed is proper fucking horrible.

Are you sure he was 'asleep'?

Had you had a go at him about it earlier that day?

Hmm. Good news about the ENT though.

JudyJudgypants Wed 20-Nov-13 03:38:59

Use your phone to film him doing it, get quite a few clips first, then play it back to him and let him explain how its meant to enhance your relationship?

GingerBlondecat Wed 20-Nov-13 04:12:52

I wouldnt drink that coffee ..............................

FreckleyGirlAbroad Wed 20-Nov-13 06:04:12

Glad you have wielded your influence and hopefully the docs appointments will start things on the right track!!!

I used to work in a call centre and a girl who sat a few booths from me used to do this then spit into the waste paper bin next to her. You could see everyone else rolling their eyes over the tops of the booth dividers!!! angry

ZillionChocolate Wed 20-Nov-13 07:17:04

Revolting. Glad you're making progress. If its allergy related, it'd be easy to trial anti histamines for a couple of weeks. Certirizine one a day is cheap in supermarkets/home bargains etc.

wontletmesignin Wed 20-Nov-13 07:40:22

My ex done this also. Morning and night, like your oh.
It was down to him smoking cannabis constantly.
It drove me mad. He should be respecting your views though.
I dont like how he can contain himself around his dp, but nobody else.

nennypops Wed 20-Nov-13 07:48:59

I don't get why he claims not to be aware of it, if he manages not to do it round his dps. And he surely has to be aware of disgusting things like gobbing into waste baskets. I really hope you make him empty them.

Thumbwitch Wed 20-Nov-13 08:43:00

Could be sinus issues.

BUT that aside, it's utterly disgusting and I couldn't live with it, it's one of my pet hates in the appalling disgusting habit stakes.

I really hope the ENT referral brings some relief for you both! And if it doesn't, then PLEASE insist he does it in a tissue, not in any old receptacle! Beyond unacceptable. <<shudders>>

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