to want to have another child with him?

(40 Posts)
mumToOne33 Mon 18-Nov-13 08:48:21

My ex and I split up a few months ago, we had been arguing a lot and basically he's older than me and a confirmed bachelor - he didn't want family life anymore (though he loves our 2yo dd).

I'm working part time, have my own home and am self sufficient financially - dd and I are not wealthy but are comfortable, which I'm happy about (ex pays some child support too, we agreed it amicably without needing CSA).

The thing is, dd was a long awaited baby through IVF. She is my world. At the time of her conception we were lucky enough to get three additional embryos which were preserved for us to use in future years. Ex has said that he is happy for me to use them as a single parent, so dd would have a sibling. As I mentioned, ex is older than me and is very unlikely to have more children, I suspect he'll stay a bachelor tbh. I'd love more children and always wanted to use the embryos. I'm 33 so not that young in fertility terms. Aibu to have another child with ex? If anyone doesn't agree with IVF please don't write malicious comments :-(

If he agrees to it I don't see why not.

ToriaPumpkin Mon 18-Nov-13 08:52:32

As long as he's agreed to it and is aware of any pregnancy/baby that results then I don't see why you shouldn't.

LifeofPo Mon 18-Nov-13 08:53:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 18-Nov-13 08:53:40

If you're fine with it and so is he then I'd say go for it. Things certainly seem amicable between you both and if he is willing to financially provide for the 2nd child as well then I don't see a problem. How much time does he spend with your current daughter? Just be aware that once the 2nd one comes along you may need more support off him in a parenting role. Is he willing to provide that too?

Tiredemma Mon 18-Nov-13 08:54:23

Is he willing to provide financially for DC2?

TheLightPassenger Mon 18-Nov-13 09:00:14

I wld be concerned about whether he will play any parental role with the future child, as if he is a dad to yout current child but not a future child that could be v difficult for your children to cope with.

eurochick Mon 18-Nov-13 09:02:49

As he's fine with it, I say why not?

I think you should do it too.

Remember, the embryos are only as old as you were when they were created, so you current age does not really come in to it too much.

WooWooOwl Mon 18-Nov-13 09:03:09

If he is a good parent and is willing to be a good parent to a second child, then I don't see why it should be a problem.

As long as you are careful not to pressure him into it and you are sure that he will give financially and emotionally to two children, then this could be an excellent choice for both of you.

You need to have very clear boundaries though, and be realistic about the help you can expect from him.

fannyfireworks Mon 18-Nov-13 09:07:47

i think your consideration should be the future well being of your children. What will you say to them about this? is this going to be east to accept? would it in any way affect their future relationships/confidence/self worth/anything?

i would not want a child like this I don't think. (And no nothing to do with being a single parent or using ivf it's more to do with having one in love and then one because the circumstances are convenient)

Maybe I'm old fashioned

FreudiansSlipper Mon 18-Nov-13 09:08:35

he has walked out on his dd because he did not want family life anymore

he does not really sound like the sort of man who takes his commitments seriously. he may see his dd now but how he would feel about another child who he had not been around for may not be the same and that could cause you all a lot of heartache

and being pregnant and on your own is very hard. you may meet someone else who will give you the love and support you deserve and your family does too

Get his agreement in email minimum. Then proceed. But yes so long as that's there, coz I wouldn't trust him not to change mind later, up to you. They are half yours too.

So long as u realise you are doing this totally alone of course

MrsOakenshield Mon 18-Nov-13 09:12:26

I would try and get his agreement in writing, and hammer out any involvement he may have, but if he's happy and you;re happy to go it alone, I don't see why not. Though I'd dispute that, at 33, you're not young (I had DD at 38)!

sparklysilversequins Mon 18-Nov-13 09:14:19

I would. I am a single parent so know the drill and I still would.

MabelSideswipe Mon 18-Nov-13 09:17:21

Is he agreeing to having the same relationship with another baby that he has with your daughter?

Fairylea Mon 18-Nov-13 09:20:39

Why did a confirmed bachelor go through IVF?! The mind boggles... I feel sorry for you (said as someone whose dh also left and was a single parent for years).

Anyway. .. I would use them. Go for it. As long he is committed to behaving the same towards both children.

Melonbreath Mon 18-Nov-13 09:22:43

Yanbu. You want a baby. He has agreed. Just work out the finer details, it wouldn't be fair on the new baby to watch your dd go out with daddy and not have a relationship with him too.

manechanger Mon 18-Nov-13 09:27:46

absolutely. I think it is far easier to only deal with one other parent rather than juggle different days with different fathers etc, plus your dd will have support from a sibling if things become less amicable or whatever family life throws at them.

AuntieStella Mon 18-Nov-13 09:30:06

What are your parenting arrangements like for your existing DC? Will he play the same role for a future child, and have you discussed future maintenance?

I agree for the sake of your existing and any future children, his involvement must be the same for both of them.
And you would have to be prepared to go it alone if he does not come through.

Sandiacre Mon 18-Nov-13 09:46:13

I get the feeling that he has to give consent to them being implanted and you can't just decide to use them. There was a case that went to court over frozen embryos after a couple broke up with the woman wanting to use them and the man not. I can't remember what the outcome was nor the names in the case but pretty sure it got to the EU courts.

fannyfireworks Mon 18-Nov-13 09:49:11

If you do it OP I would get some sort of contract drawn up with a solicitor. Don't know what it would say but have a feeling itd be a good idea! Good luck

Sandiacre Mon 18-Nov-13 09:51:29

Sorry missed the one important line saying he is happy for you to use them, but he will need to sign stuff a verbal agreement is not enough.

sandfrog Mon 18-Nov-13 09:57:39

YANBU

Stellapourmoi Mon 18-Nov-13 10:21:49

How lovely for you to have the option to do this. As long as he is fine about it (I agree with getting this in writing) it should be fine. good luck!!!! X

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 18-Nov-13 10:47:03

Yanbu. Go for it.

mumToOne33 Mon 18-Nov-13 12:26:39

Thanks for your replies! Some very useful thoughts, like getting his agreement in writing...I suspect the easiest way would be for him to be present when embryos would be transferred to me, I'm sure he'd be happy to do that.

I need to discuss in more detail with him the visiting arrangements, he does love dd and I think he'd want the same level of involvement with a second child (he has her every Sunday, when she's older he would like to have her for the full weekend every other week).

I agree that it's odd that a confirmed bachelor agreed toIVF in tgthe first place. Obviously in the ideal world I'd rather be married and having children (though not to a confirmed bachelor). Realistically though, if I met someone and went through the relationship/marriage/having children thing again then I may well be too old once it got to the having children stage (though I know many women are able to conceive when older).

Dilemmas of the modern world :-) thanks again!

oscarwilde Mon 18-Nov-13 13:37:57

Not to rain on your parade, but how would you feel about going it alone it it turned out to be twins? ...........

oscarwilde Mon 18-Nov-13 13:40:30

If it turned out to be twins

bordellosboheme Mon 18-Nov-13 13:45:06

In your shoes, I think I would. Do you have a good support network? Can you afford it maternity leave etc?

OHforDUCKScake Mon 18-Nov-13 13:50:20

This is amusing in a way, as Ive seen threads before suggesting having a baby with an ex in almost identical circumstances less the IVF. And it seemed that nearly all replies were YABU.

Fwiw, I dont think YABU at all. I dont think anyone is being unreasonable having a baby with an ex so long as the circumstances are strong and reliable, whether it be ivf or not.

Hermione123 Mon 18-Nov-13 14:03:48

I think the difference is the level of agreement, if he's really happy then go for it, although you need to be sure of your support network too. It will change your dating options though if you aren't then looking to have more dcs.

Mim78 Mon 18-Nov-13 14:06:13

If he is happy that sounds OK in principle. Best to get it in writing as others have said.

How are you going to cope financially with the extra one? Do you have enough money by yourself or is he going to give you something for the second one?

And I agree with the post that if your ex is keeping in touch with dd he will need to keep in touch with the second one too.

mumToOne33 Mon 18-Nov-13 15:26:19

Oscar - I would only try one embryo at a time, so unlikely to be twins but always a tiny chance the embryo may split and get two babies.

Mim - I can afford to support myself, my dd and the new baby, though child support from ex is helpful, I would need to get this agreed with him.

Ohfor - I was also braced to be told yabu, I thought people may think it was a crazy idea. I think the fact the embryos already exist makes it a very modern dilemma! Of course none of them may be successful.

WaitMonkey Mon 18-Nov-13 16:05:38

I would only do this if he is going to show dc2 the same love, involvement and care he does for dc1. It would be heartbreaking for dc1 to go out with daddy and dc2 to be ignored. Totally depends on what sort of man he is.

x2boys Mon 18-Nov-13 16:12:16

I have literally just finished reading a book about this very concept [Jodie picoult sp?] very interesting book!

harticus Mon 18-Nov-13 16:17:05

Absolutely do it!
I had the same situation - split after DS1 was born but still had embryos on ice. My ex wanted to have another too so there was no problem on that score but unfortunately the frozen ones didn't work.
Best of luck to you.

mumToOne33 Mon 18-Nov-13 17:18:51

Oh that's interesting Harticus! So sorry it didn't work out though. have you stayed at one dc or tried donor sperm or met a new man now? Sorry if that's too personal question blush

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