whos being unreasonable ..gay friends

(65 Posts)
nohopeland Sun 17-Nov-13 22:38:40

I have 2 best friends, 1 with 2 boys and a male gay friend.
The male friend has a long term boyfriend who we have all become friends with and my own children know him as x boyfriend it has never been an issue.

Today I found outt when they go round our other friends house who has 2 sons they are not a couple and not known as a couple due to her thinking her son's are to young to be exposed to life issues like homosexuals.
AIBU to be a bit confused by this.

YouTheCat Sun 17-Nov-13 22:40:30

She sounds a bit silly.

MrsDrRanj Sun 17-Nov-13 22:41:21

Your friend is being massively unreasonable and I don't see how your gay friend is ok with this! Unbelievably rude and she is clearly homophobic. Being gay isn't 'an issue'. Does she pretend all straight couples are just friends because her little darlings shouldn't be exposed to adult relationships yet?

Brittapie Sun 17-Nov-13 22:41:36

She's being ridiculous.

SPsDoesntLikeChaffingFishnets Sun 17-Nov-13 22:41:43

They will catch the gay don't ya know

badtime Sun 17-Nov-13 22:41:51

That is ridiculous. Why would someone even think it was an issue?

okthen Sun 17-Nov-13 22:42:22

shock She's ridiculous.

SantanaLopez Sun 17-Nov-13 22:43:23

I don't know why they would put up with that. Ridiculous.

hoobypickypicky Sun 17-Nov-13 22:43:57

"her thinking her son's are to young to be exposed to life issues like homosexuals"!


It's not a life issue it's a way of life for many people! It's she who has the issue, not the gay couple. She's no friend to them and I wouldn't want her as a friend of mine either.

Do these poor men feel they have to allow her to deny their relationship without challenging or correcting her?

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 17-Nov-13 22:44:07

My brother is gay and lives with his longterm partner.
My. three ds dont know, he doesnt care if they know or not.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 17-Nov-13 22:44:10

She's being ridiculous and if your friend is in an important relationship then she cannot value him and his lifestyle choices very highly.

SeaSickSal Sun 17-Nov-13 22:44:15

I think that's silly. Children don't really have preconceptions. I grew up with two older gay men next door and just assumed that if they lived together they were married. It didn't even occur to me that two men couldn't be married to each other if they wanted to.

Children take these things in their stride and most of them actually find it more logical that two men can get married if they want to. It's only as people get older they are sometimes conditioned to see these relationships as 'wrong'. Sounds like this is what your friend is doing a bit which is a shame for her children.

nohopeland Sun 17-Nov-13 22:44:18

That was my thinking , she thinks at their age they don't need to know about that stuff yet and that it will cause questions

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 17-Nov-13 22:45:27

Must also add that Im not homophobic at all..I would tell my lads in a heartbeat if my db was at all bothered he really doesnt give a shit tbh

Smartiepants79 Sun 17-Nov-13 22:46:12

Well it is a fairly complex issue for young children to understand and it is up to her what she tells her own children.
However I think if she didn't make a big deal out of it, just treated it as she would a heterosexual relationship she would probably find they will just take it in their stride.
They will have to know at some point. Personally I would just do as you have done and tell them.

MrsDrRanj Sun 17-Nov-13 22:47:53

skinny then why on earth are you purposely not telling them about your brothers long term partner?

nohopeland Sun 17-Nov-13 22:48:28

My eldest son has questioned it and I didn't lie lol we just had an age appropriate convo about it.. if I was my friend I wouldn't go around her house at all

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 17-Nov-13 22:51:30

Because we dont feel we have too. Ive asked my db many times if he wants my ds to know. As Ive said twice my db is not bothered.
Its his choice and my choice. If my ds ask then I will tell them.
To say I am purposely not telling them is ridiculous.

OoooohFreaky Sun 17-Nov-13 22:52:26

Skinny - when your sons reach an age where you feel it is acceptable for them to know, how will they feel that you've hidden this major piece of information from them?
What will this do to their personal opinion of homosexuality? (Something to be ashamed of and hide away?)
Will their opinion of you change do you think, for hiding this from them?

Sorry, I know this thread isn't about you, but they are the questions I'd want to ask the op's friend, and she's not there! I'm not asking to start a fight btw, I want to understand why you are hiding their uncles sexuality.

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 17-Nov-13 22:52:34

Exactly nohope. Totally agree with you.

SPsDoesntLikeChaffingFishnets Sun 17-Nov-13 22:53:32

I wouldn't make a point of telling my son about a gay couple if they didn't ask just as I wouldn't tell him about a straight couple if he didn't ask.

MomentForLife Sun 17-Nov-13 22:54:17

Your friend is being stupid but it's up to the male friend if he's happy to go along with the situation. Personaly my DD has always known two of my friends are gay. I hope that if she realised she was gay when she's older she could come to me because she knows it's not a 'life issue' it's just the way you are.

WelshMaenad Sun 17-Nov-13 22:54:18

How very very odd of her. Does she expose her children to unmarried hetero couples? Or single mums? Or us she just selectively homophobic about the 'life issues' her children are 'exposed' to?

My poor children have been 'exposed' to same sex couples for most of their tiny innocent lives, and don'tseem any the worse for it. For very small people I've found that the book 'and Tango makes three' really good for presenting the idea if a same sex couple in a really normal, accepting way.

It's not complex at all
'Some men don't fall in love with women but men instead, and some women fall in love with women instead of men'...make it a non issue and children will not develop preconceptions or prejudices. Make it an 'issue' and you teach your child that being gay is something troubling, difficult to understand, scary, adult.
Skinnybitch, why don't you tell your children that your brother's partner is a man? Surely by making it I to a secret you are setting it up to be a huge serious reveal at some point, thereby making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be, and also installing the notion that there is something wrong about his choice of partner?

OoooohFreaky Sun 17-Nov-13 22:54:59

Smartie - it shouldn't be a complex issue. From a young age, all dc need to know is that some men love women, and vice versa, some men love men and some women love women.
It's only complex when you add a load of prejudices into the mix.

Jjuice Sun 17-Nov-13 22:57:49

I have a few gay friends they come round as couples my kids love them. Age is irrelevant. Your friend is being weird. My parents had gay friends I never noticed the difference between straight friends. I think it helps you to grow up without prejudice

nohopeland Sun 17-Nov-13 22:58:49

My youngest son married a boy at playtime last week lol and my daughter who is 4 came home to tell me she was having a baby because her and her boyfriend held hands ... My kids r obviously v Catholic lol

Kewcumber Sun 17-Nov-13 22:58:58

it is a fairly complex issue for young children to understand - DS who is 7 doesn't seem confused - "would you like a boyfriend or a girlfriend Mum?"

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 17-Nov-13 22:59:02

Sorry I dont remember saying I dont think its acceptable for them to know at their ages.
Its a subject that has never come up, just like my other db being straight has never come up.
They know plenty of gay people and as its my db business who knows. If he wanted them to know Id tell them. Wouldnt bother me at all.
Yes SPsDoesnt what Im trying to say.

noseymcposey Sun 17-Nov-13 23:00:33

surely you just say it how it is from the start? Or it's obvious? DS's godmother is gay and I would just say that auntie X is auntie Y's girlfriend. Like Mummy and Daddy are but two ladies. Or whatever. DS is 2.5 at the moment so not relevant but I don't think it's something that is a secret that needs a big reveal when they are of a certain age!

borninastorm Sun 17-Nov-13 23:00:37

My db is gay and lives with his longterm partner.
I've never had to tell any of my 3 kids that their uncles are in a gay relationship. They've just always known it and they're absolutely fine about it.
To them their Uncles are just a normal couple having a normal relationship.
They're also very tolerant children (well one's an adult now) who don't understand why anybody would discriminate against anybody else for their life choices, lifestyle, culture, race or anything else.

ocelot41 Sun 17-Nov-13 23:01:54

My DS (who is 3) has already asked if he can marry his best (male) friend from nursery. I said if they still felt the same way about each other when they were older, of course they could. I am not taking that as a binding statement of intent at 3 but my point is, kids don't care, its adults who have the problem.

crispsanddips Sun 17-Nov-13 23:02:41

I am also stunned that anyone would think it is a complex issue. Neither of those two words are fitting!

Also, I'm confused at what an age appropiate conversation is? Surely the explanation is just "bob loves gary like mum loves dad" or something along those lines. It doesnt matter what age the child is, surely the explanation is the same? I would be interested to hear what extra details are revealed as the children get older.

I think a lot of people automatically think of sex when they think of gay couples. They don't automatically think of the couple cooking each other dinner, watching a movie, booking a holiday, walking around the park etc. . .everything couples do that are gay or not!

SPsDoesntLikeChaffingFishnets Sun 17-Nov-13 23:03:09

I did accidently let the toddler see Hollyoaks a couple of week ago so many questions were asked. I had to explain about how some people like boys and girls grin

I dont go round explaining straight couples so I won't go round explaining gay couples.

He knows a lesbian couple and isn't phased. He hasn't asked questions about them but questions the TV

Caitlin17 Sun 17-Nov-13 23:04:57

Good grief. My DS was born in 1990. I don't recall ever having a specific conversation but he always knew the lovely couple who ran our local corner shop were a couple and he knew our gay friends were couples.

There was no more need to explain anything than there was to explain about any other couple.

nohopeland Sun 17-Nov-13 23:05:29

By age appropriate I meant answering the questions he was asking lol he already knew they were a couple and he started questioning babies and other things as he got older. So I kept it simple and age appropriate

foreverondiet Sun 17-Nov-13 23:05:54

Its not hard. I have young children, a gay sister and am religious.

I just say that my sister and her friend live together. My daughter (oldest, she is 10) asked if my sister would get married - I just said no, not to man but maybe to her (girl) friend. Have explained that most people love / get married to people of opposite sex but for some they love / get married to people of the same sex, and thats ok.

She asked if they would have children - I said they might, and luckily she didn't ask about the mechanics of this. But if she does ask (if / when) my sister has children, will explain about buying seeds from a man or something like that.

WhereIsMyHat Sun 17-Nov-13 23:07:09

My 5 year old asked me if boys could marry boys last year and was

nohopeland Sun 17-Nov-13 23:07:42

I never told my children btw as in explaining about being gay, they had always been a couple in my house my eldest as he got older started d asking questions relating to same sex relationships .

crispsanddips Sun 17-Nov-13 23:08:28

Foreverondiet- why do you use the term 'friend'? Why not 'girlfriend' or 'partner'?

Just curious smile

SPsDoesntLikeChaffingFishnets Sun 17-Nov-13 23:09:49

My son also knows that he may marry buildings and objects or he so wishes after he was eaves dropping

WhereIsMyHat Sun 17-Nov-13 23:10:08


pleased they could as he could marry one of his friends. I don't think it needs to be said, just like other posters have said 'oh Michael and his boyfriend/ husband' are coming around.

I did have to explain that my sons couldn't marry me when they're older trying to explain that one was fun.

exexpat Sun 17-Nov-13 23:10:08

A few years ago the (male) deputy head of the primary school my children used to go to got hitched (in a civil partnership ceremony) to another male member of staff. It was announced in the school newsletter, with congratulations all round.

As far as I know none of the children (aged 4-11) were traumatised - mine were just, oh, OK then. I think DD may have asked if one of them was going to change name (her form teacher had got married a few months earlier and had changed name).

It's only an issue if the parent makes it an issue. If I were your gay friend, I wouldn't feel comfortable visiting someone who obviously has issues with gay people.

WannabeFayeMouse Sun 17-Nov-13 23:10:52

tbh I think most young children are surprised that the world expects M-F relationships. They have to be taught to be prejudiced.

StrawberryGashes Sun 17-Nov-13 23:28:05

She's being ridiculous, my cousin and her wife just adopted a child and my children didn't ask any questions (I was expecting at least a couple), they just accepted that aunty x and aunty y are now parents and they have a new cousin. Not traumatised in the least, and my oldest is 7.

Greythorne Sun 17-Nov-13 23:34:16

In what way is it complex?

Goldmandra Sun 17-Nov-13 23:54:35

They have to be taught to be prejudiced.

Exactly. This is what the OP's friend is doing.

If it's just an unremarkable fact the children won't give it more than a moment's thought. They will them assimilate the information into their understanding of adult relationships and grow up fully accepting it.

Floralnomad Mon 18-Nov-13 00:01:39

foreverondiet your dd is 10 and you would say about buying 'seeds from a man ' ,which century are you living in

BasilBabyEater Mon 18-Nov-13 00:08:52

" tbh I think most young children are surprised that the world expects M-F relationships. They have to be taught to be prejudiced."

This. OP your friend sounds like an asshat

FortyDoorsToNowhere Mon 18-Nov-13 00:10:01

My son came home from school about a year ago saying that so gay mum.

I explained gay meant 2 men or 2 women love each other like mummy and daddy does. I also told him you can't help who you fall in love with.

No need to make sexuality into a taboo subject to children.

Mitchell2 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:34:44

Your friend doesn't sound like a very good friend to your friend and his partner. Like others have said, surprised that he puts up with that!

I mean if you put it the other was and the guys had a kid and they asked her to pretend she wasn't in a relationship with her man what an uproar there would be from her.

She needs to start living in the real world and I feel sorry for her poor kids

Thatisall Mon 18-Nov-13 02:24:45

Argh the very fact thatcher has friends who are gay is the perfect opportunity to introduce her ds to acceptance and different kinds of action ships from a very early age.
What a numpty she sounds

WeAreEternal Mon 18-Nov-13 02:40:05

I genuinely don't understand how some people can see this as an issue or something that needs explaining.

Some people love members of the opposite sex and some the same sex, in the same way that some people have blonde hair and some have brown, I don't feel that it is something that needs to be explained to a child in an age appropriate way or otherwise. It is a simple fact of life that children should just know.

Mystuff Mon 18-Nov-13 02:41:59

I think this is deeply homophobic. To hide this from dc is at root saying it is abnormal and something that should be hidden.

We have lots of gay friends and have never hidden anything from our dc. They have known from the youngest age that you love who you love and can marry same sex or opposite sex. Our gay friends openly show affection to each other just as we do, it is all the same. Unless deep down you think it isn't....

Mystuff Mon 18-Nov-13 02:47:21

Xpost we are eternal!
I couldn't agree more. People who think this needs explaining in an age appropriate way need to accept and deal with their own homophobia. When do they explain straight love in an age appropriate way?

bragmatic Mon 18-Nov-13 03:35:00

Is isn't a complex issue. Adults make it one.

CanucksoontobeinLondon Mon 18-Nov-13 04:06:36

Your friend is being massively unreasonable, as all the other posters have said.

My BIL is gay and in a civil partnership, and my kids (8 and 4) have always taken in in stride. It only has to be a complex issue if adults make it one. Your friend is (consciously or otherwise) teaching her kids that homosexuality is something that should be hidden and shameful. I'm amazed that your friends (the gay couple, i mean) put up with it.

echt Mon 18-Nov-13 08:12:22

I'm amazed your friend can consider herself a friend to the gay couple.

Unless, of course she explains ALL her friends' relationships by telling her children who puts what into which hole. Or not. Even then. At least she'd be consistent.


LookingThroughTheFog Mon 18-Nov-13 08:22:21

For heaven's sake. 'Some men love women, and some love men. Some women love men, and some love women. At the end of the day, you fall in love with who you fall in love with.'

It's really not a complex issue.

Where it gets complex is when you have to explain that some people out there don't think you should be allowed to fall in love with who you fall in love with. You should only be allowed to fall in love with people of the opposite sex, because they say so.

My kids have known this for years now. They think that other people deciding who you fall in love with is plain silly.

Mondayschild78 Mon 18-Nov-13 08:58:36

I also don't get the age appropriate explaining. My son is 2 and already understands there is a relationship/link between (my best friend) Aunty x and her civil partner Aunty y and he absolutely adores them. As he is growing up with things just as they are I do not feel the need to 'explain' anything to him as its a non-issue.

When things are 'hidden' they become a perceived issue IMO.

Fleta Mon 18-Nov-13 09:09:34

"life issues like homosexuals" - what an utter twat.

I would have thought just acting like the normal situation it is would be fully sufficient for a small child. It is only complicated by adults and their ridiculous prejudice

noblegiraffe Mon 18-Nov-13 10:32:49

10 years today since the repeal of section 28. And yet some people still act like acknowledging gay relationships as equal to heterosexual ones is wrong.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 18-Nov-13 10:43:24

OP, your friend IBU. Homosexuality isn't a complex issue and as most children would like to marry their best friend anyway the idea of love between same sex couples makes perfect sense to them.

Quoteunquote Mon 18-Nov-13 11:00:30

My children have always known our gay friends are gay, they have never questioned it, in their lives some people are with the opposite sex, some are with the same sex, it is just normal.

I would of thought pretending would just lead to more questions, "Why hasen't Dan got a girlfriend, why does John share Dan bed?", "Why Kate kissing Sarah?"

Children are experts in human behaviour, they lean by studing adults, so any astute child will soon suss there is something to focus on,

Children always know when truths are being concealed, they just don't know what to do about it, so it makes them uncomfortable.

As for making your friends conceal a part of their lives, because you haven't address your own issues, that is totally vile , what good friends they must be to go along with her nasty behaviour, but it is a really unhealthy thing to do for everyone involved.

cashmiriana Mon 18-Nov-13 11:04:07

Children don't complicate things. Adults do. My DH has been to 2 civil partnerships recently (colleagues) and the DC talk openly about Dad going to see Bill marrying Bob or Katie marrying Sarah.

I was slightly worried recently that maybe DD2 was picking up homophobic attitudes recently when she suddenly said "My friend J has got two mums. Like two mums who live together, not a mum and a step mum." However her next sentence was "And they're both really cool and let him have lots of pets." Big sigh. "J's really really lucky."

I reckon she has her priorities sorted. (And no, she can't have any pets.)

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