Party invites

(47 Posts)
AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 19:03:05

My son is 8 today. He wanted a party and we said he could have a party or the really expensive present he wanted but not both. He opted for the present and then once the time came close and the present was bought he kept pestering us for a party again. After much nagging we agreed that he could have 2 friends over to play and he chose 2.

Now the thing is he attends a very small school and he is one of only 4 or 5 boys in his year but there are always two year groups per classroom. One year he shares a classroom with the year above and the next with the year below. As a consequence of this he is friendly with boys in his own year and those from the years above and below.

He chose 2 friends and we invited them. Then yesterday I got a text from another mum stating that her son says he is 'the only one' not invited to the 'party'. I explained the situation, that it was not a party just 2 friends coming over to play on the X box but she says that her son was the only one not invited. The thing is, on reflection, the 2 boys are in my son's actual year group which means that the boy in question who was 'left out' is the only one from that school year not to come. There was absolutely no slight intended but on reflection were we being thoughtless or should we feel free to do what we feel works best for us?

Fairenuff Sun 17-Nov-13 19:06:58

You do what suits you. How rude of the other parent to text you. As you have said, it's not a party, it is two friends round to play. You could reply that your ds would love to have 'x' over to play another time.

SatinSandals Sun 17-Nov-13 19:14:13

It was 2 friends around to play. Ignore.

Bowlersarm Sun 17-Nov-13 19:16:35

Although not a party as such, it is a birthday celebration.

The other mum was rude to text, but I do think he should have been included.

stressedsister1 Sun 17-Nov-13 19:18:00

I can see why her son was upset, he was the only boy in the year group not to be invited to what he believed was a birthday party.

Seeing as you knew there were only 3 other boys in his actual year group (and if you weren't sure you could have checked) you should have either allowed him to have only one friend over, or all 3.

It was rude for her to text you, but yes, you were a bit thoughtless.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 19:19:05

Hmm, you see, not a lot of thought went into it it was just OK invite 2 friends round. In all honesty I was surprised that he wanted the friends that he did and if had been other friends from other years the issue of someone being left out really wouldn't have arisen.

harticus Sun 17-Nov-13 19:19:29

It is hard when classes are so very small.
We have this problem all the time at our tiny village school.
Obviously the other lad felt left out.
Invite him round on his own for an X Box session.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 19:25:43

OK, so how should I deal with the situation now. I get the impression that this other mother is very angry.

Fairenuff Sun 17-Nov-13 19:30:07

I can see why her son was upset, he was the only boy in the year group not to be invited to what he believed was a birthday party.

Well, he made a mistake. OP just reply that it's not a birthday party and would 'x' like to come over to play on <insert date of choice>

SatinSandals Sun 17-Nov-13 19:31:49

Agree with Fairenuff.

Bowlersarm Sun 17-Nov-13 19:32:25

Go along with the story that it's just a play session. Downplay the birthday celebration bit.

I don't think she has the right to be angry about it though. That would annoy me.

Hulababy Sun 17-Nov-13 19:34:19

It sounds like a birthday celebration. I bet the three other boys said at school it was for your ds's birthday too. Ime children always talk about these things,

In that case I think you were unreasonable to leave just the one little boy out of your ds's birthday celebrations. Would one more really have mattered?

uptheanty Sun 17-Nov-13 19:35:14

I would probably just talk to her, txt her and ask her if she's at drop off and can you have a quick work. Just explain that it wasn't deliberate and you would hate her to think you would do anything intentionally to upset her son.

If shes gracious and open, I would probably ask her if her son would like to attend- if you're ds likes him that is and would be ok with that.

If she's self righteous I would give her a wide birth. You can't spend the next 5 years pandering to her......on the other hand if you can keep it sweet, all the better! smile

SatinSandals Sun 17-Nov-13 19:35:28

It wasn't a birthday celebration, he chose the present. It was two friends to play.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 19:36:42

Wasn't really giving it that much thought. Was working nights all week and just as I was going out the door gave DH numbers to send a couple of texts out. I suppose the fault lies in me being very distracted with other things and not really thinking it through.

Hulababy Sun 17-Nov-13 19:36:46

I suspect the mum is not so much angry as upset that her little boy has been left out, her boy is probably upset about it and mentioned it - as they believe it is a party and he is the only one of the 4 left out.

And let's face it. It is a get together to celebrate his birthday. Your Ds wanted a party, this was the compromise. So it is a birthday celebration in reality isn't it?

Hassled Sun 17-Nov-13 19:37:16

I think I'd bite the bullet and just invite the third boy. I can sort of see why the mother is upset, although it was a bit much to then text you to complain about it. It's the sort of perceived slight most people just suck up.

magesticmallow Sun 17-Nov-13 19:37:49

It's not a party, she was rude to text, you explained which is more than you needed to do so do no more. I hate things like this. Just be ready to explain to your ds why he is not invited to this other boys party when the time comes because you just know by this cheeky mare that she won't invite your ds

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 19:38:31

Too late to invite him the 'party' was today.

Hulababy Sun 17-Nov-13 19:44:57

When was his birthday?
When was the play date?
Did the three boys mention it at school, and did they mention it in relation to your ds's birthday?

Ime children really do talk, usually with great excitement, about play dates and parties and birthdays.

I am assuming the little boy picked up on this and realised he was the only one left out and he was probably upset and told his mum. She was then left with a sad child which probably made her feel sad about the situation. .

After all it is normal to assume a play date close to a birthday would be a birthday celebration. So she assumed her boy was left out of your child's celebration and that he was theory one to be left out.

I wouldn't have texted or called, but would have felt that my child had been slighted.

Just repeat that it was a playdate, not a party.

Hulababy Sun 17-Nov-13 19:46:06

As it has already happened there is nothing you can do really now. Depends on how well you know the mum and if your Ds and her son get on - if appropriate, Chat to her and just explain the situation.

Canthisonebeused Sun 17-Nov-13 19:46:10

I don't think you done anything wrong my dd is in a mixed year group class they are one class not two separate year groups as far she is concerned. So I don't think it's plausible to suggest he was the only one not invited as the rest of the class wasn't either.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 19:47:57

But loads of his other friends also were not invited they just don't happen to be in his actual year group. To include everyone would definitely been a party.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 17-Nov-13 19:49:47

The other mum sounds awful, how rude of her to text you

I think the year group thing is a bit of a red herring if there are other boys who they are all friends with, he chose two friends out of several I don't think you did anything wrong at all

elskovs Sun 17-Nov-13 19:50:50

Silly woman with her precious child. Fancy making such a dick of herself because of a party invite.

Id tell her she was being silly, and I most definitely wouldn't pander to her by inviting her son over another time.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 19:51:27

Thanks canthisone that's how I see it, in asfar as I gave it that much thought at all.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 19:53:59

I suppose the thing is I can kind of see it from her point of view, but when I texted her back to explain she just didn't reply (after having told me that I was being unfair) and so I think that she is not trying to see it from my perspective.

jellyboatsandpirates Sun 17-Nov-13 19:55:49

YANBU, and the other mum is a cheeky mare. I've got two small boys, and would never presume to just invite ourselves over and expect to be included in every celebration going.
Part and parcel of growing up is to know that you can't always be invited to everything or get everything you want, and it's your responsibility as a parent to explain to your kids that sometimes they can't be invited to everything and that never mind, they can do something else lovely instead, and there'll always be another time for parties.
Some people are just overly precious when it comes to their pfb's.

bellablot Sun 17-Nov-13 19:55:53

Erm, wtf, how dare she text you, plain rude and actually, out of order. I hope you told her where to go the cheeky cow!?

elskovs Sun 17-Nov-13 19:56:31

The type of person to text you in the first place wont be interested in seeing it from your side.

Ignore her

Her PoV is ridiculous - unless you seriously agree that all 4 boys in the year group will be doing everything together until the end of primary.

Rowlers Sun 17-Nov-13 20:00:31

Invite who you or your DS want(s) to invite.
Children need to accept they can't be invited to everything.
Can't believe someone would text you. What a loon.
(And I know it is hard for children when they feel left out; my DD is invited to only a handful of the parties which take place each year. But you need as a parent to teach them how to handle this)

bellablot Sun 17-Nov-13 20:01:04

Just read the rest of your posts Albert and you sound a bit 'soft'. For a start, do not entertain a text conversation or bicker session of any sort, juvenile and why do you feel you have to justify your decision as a parent, I'm intrigued. She sounds like a bully actually, you shouldn't have to explain yourself so why are you?

ZenNudist Sun 17-Nov-13 20:13:49

Hmmm difficult. If it were my dc there is no way if say anything to you. Very rude. As the mum of a left out boy I'd be concerned but only if it was a regular thing where it was always these 3 together. I'd encourage my ds to make friends with other boys. I'd invite your ds for a play date. I wouldn't text & ask for an invite. 3 boys on a play station is not a proper party.

livinglifeandgettinghappier Sun 17-Nov-13 20:32:04

Party invites are a minefield when there are huge numbers in a class never mind just 4 in this year which you knew about. :-/ Not for one second do I think you forgot the other little child on purpose, as that really would make you look horrible leaving out just one of the four. Her texting you was brave and I think she did it because her son must have felt excluded when his 3 peers talked/bragged about the play date as the birthday boy's treat. The Mum is upset and no you can't change what you thoughtlessly did. Hopefully your son will not be at the receiving end of the same treatment from the other Mums. You know how mean kids can be...friends one day and not the next. At this age many a mother actively works on keeping other Mums on side to minimise the risk of their child being unfairly treated. Or are you the Mum pally with these two kids Mums whilst the uninvited boy's Mum is not part of a tiny 'Mummy Mafia' clique.....

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 20:35:06

LoL at the idea of me being soft!!! Just making an effort to sound reasonable and balanced smile

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 20:37:03

No mummy mafia. Not interested in any of that. Had never spoken to one of the mum's whose child I invited and the other one I had forgotten her name. All I want is an easy life, have got too much else going on.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Sun 17-Nov-13 20:40:11

Also, as a side issue, my husband and I equally share the parenting and were equally involved in this ill fated even, so why is it automatically me the mummy that gets the blame.......but that's a whole other gripe!!

bellablot Sun 17-Nov-13 20:43:18

Albert, I say 'soft', I could also say 'nice' or 'diplomatic', far more than me who would have told her a) where to go and b) teach your son that he cannot be invited to everything all of the time.

lljkk Sun 17-Nov-13 20:46:14

Other mum is BVU.
You have to rise above.
Ask your son if he would like the other lad around sometime soon for play & when/if he comes make sure he gets some sweets or something a little bit extra.
I don't hold with the all-the-yr or minority rule, anyway. Being invited when you know you're not really wanted is just as bad if not worse than never invited at all. I would prefer to never be invited.

elskovs Sun 17-Nov-13 20:47:56

Brave? Shes a loon! Totally unreasonable behaviour. She should be laughed at not humoured

arethereanyleftatall Sun 17-Nov-13 20:50:15

You were not being unreasonable at all.
Its absolute bullshit to invite children for any other reason than that they're friends of your dc.
If someone isn't invited, perhaps they should look at their own behaviour rather than bleating that it isn't fair.

Mellowandfruitful Sun 17-Nov-13 20:52:39

But with such a small group this kind of stuff, while not maliciously meant, must be very noticeable hence her (poorly executed) reaction. I would do what some others have suggested and ask the boy around soon, not to appease the mum but to make the atmosphere better among the very small year group.

livinglifeandgettinghappier Sun 17-Nov-13 20:56:39

Who does not make mistakes sometime when they are upset over their child? OP, she prob regrets her text now. Still keep an eye on your boy as the loon Mum may be a little on the sensitive side and if she is could make it difficult for your boy if she is cliquey with the other PARENTS. I make an effort with the other Mums but don't bend over backwards. ;-) Have a glass of wine and be more alert to such things...for your child's sake and your own. It is nice being nice.

0utnumbered Sun 17-Nov-13 20:59:28

For me it would depend on if my child was close friends with the child when he came home upset about not being invited to a party. If they didn't really play together and he never mentioned the child I would in the nicest way possible tell him to get over it, you can't be best friends with everyone, there are number limits on things etc.

If they were really close friends and I knew the parents well I might speak to them and see if there had been any problems in the friendship group (if my son couldn't tell me anything) just so I could clear things up and explain things/help my son. I wouldn't go all guns blazing though asking why he wasn't invited, that's really cringey!

leafygreens Sun 17-Nov-13 21:14:19

I got a series of abusive text messages from a school mum earlier this yr because my DS hadn't invited her darling DD to his party.

After trying to justify myself by texting her back I quickly wised up and stopped texting her. She ignored me for a while at school and I have only exchanged very brief pleasantries with her since (many months have now passed). I am not interested in having someone like this in my life.

OP, the mum is crazy and way too over-involved in her son's life. I wouldn't bother engaging with her further on it - draw a line under it and move on. Be civil where appropriate and leave it at that. Her boy will learn he can't be invited to everything, as will yours when he's inevitably 'snubbed' next time her DS has a party. That's life!

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